if you're on Twitter, you've already read this. If you're Jeff Eastin, you need to call us.
Step one: Cut a hole in the pumpkin Transcribe all quotes from Twitter to LJ without context.
Step two: Attempt to use the quotes to contruct a loose outline of what happened this weekend.
Step three: Try to explain the beauty of Cardigan!Owen to the internet.
Step four: ?
Step five: Profit.
mcwonthelottery: "Has anyone told us how awesome we are yet?"
pocky_slash: "No! I don't know what the fuck is wrong with people."
mcwonthelottery: "They all have bad taste."
mcwonthelottery: "You know it's all going to end with a threesome with the Armless Hipster."
mcwonthelottery: "Look, if Matt Bomer were in Shark Attack 3, it would have been awesome. I would have paid money to hear him say, 'Let's go home and I'll eat your pussy.'"
pocky_slash: "Peter's eating an apple and hacking one handed."
mcwonthelottery: "Elizabeth comes in and is like, 'I got your message on the internet.'"
mcwonthelottery: "Clearly what was missing from this movie was sexual tension between Barrowman and Howard Dean."
"mcwonthelottery: "Oh my god. Shark/T-Rex OTP!"
pocky_slash: It's possible Ben Affleck just found his way into Torchwood: LA. As the pterosaur.
mcwonthelottery: "Why is that Ninja Turtle eating that crying milkshake? I didn't realize you shipped Mozzie/Barrowman."
pocky_slash: "Ew! Barrowman ruins everything good!"
pocky_slash: "I don't have my phone so if anything funny happens at the grocery store, you have to be all over that shit."
pocky_slash: "Based on the science I'm looking at here...."
pocky_slash: "The answer is science as indicated by these arrows!"
pocky_slash: "Man, I can't wait until we win the Nobel Prize in cooking!"
pocky_slash: "I know what I'm doing. I just pretended once and it worked!"
mcwonthelottery: "Step 5: check and see if anyone has said how awesome we are on the internet. Step 6: make a frickin' mess."
pocky_slash: "If only Howard Dean were here!"
pocky_slash: "If that happens, you'll have to drive me to the ER. Or, I guess I'll have to drive to the ER one handed."
mcwonthelottery: "If you can hack one handed, you can drive one handed."
pocky_slash: "But how will I eat an apple?"
mcwonthelottery: "I'll feed it to you."
pocky_slash: "Owen can be the crying milkshake with the stripe. Jack can be the other crying milkshake."
mcwonthelottery: "If you find that you can't write the T-Rex porn, feel free to write me Peter as the Doctor. Seriously."
mcwonthelottery: "Why isn't Jeff Eastin my best friend yet?"
pocky_slash: "I put the Torchwood discs back in random order."
mcwonthelottery: "But that screws up Toshiko's arc!"
pocky_slash: "Ahahahahah! Toshiko's arc! That is the most ridiculous thing you've said all weekend."
mcwonthelottery: "Jack's like, 'I didn't earn that Worst Boss of the Year mug by worrying about my employees!'"
Tosh: "How did it get here?"
mcwonthelottery: "It came through the rift, Tosh. Is this your first day?"
pocky_slash: "She wasn't paying attention at that part. She was thinking about how dreamy Owen is."
mcwonthelottery: "Ok. I can't fault her. I'd be doing the same thing."
pocky_slash: "In our new season of Torchwood. That takes place inside the shark. Where it's always Tuesday."
mcwonthelottery: "I didn't realize the Hub is inside the shark now."
pocky_slash: "Owen and Ianto are the only ones who followed the stun gun rule!"
mcwonthelottery: "Owen's like, 'I wanna bring a real gun.' Ianto's like 'No! Jack said stun guns only!'"
pocky_slash: "They get there and everyone has real guns. 'Everyone else brought real guns! We're the only ones with stun guns!'"
mcwonthelottery: "'Why did I listen to you? I hate that we're friends now!'"
pocky_slash: "You just undermined your own ship."
mcwonthelottery: "That's how Owen/Ianto goes."
mcwonthelottery: "We found the source of our problems--Continuity - Vicky Cole. Where's her number?"
mcwonthelottery: "Guess who doesn't win the prize?"
pocky_slash: "Jack? Because I'm going to fast forward through every scene he's in?"
mcwonthelottery: "Jack wasn't even eligible for the prize."
mcwonthelottery: "Why does Jack just carry around a video camera that transmits straight to the Hub? In case he's out and suddenly wants to vlog?"
mcwonthelottery: "You lie, it shoots a fucking laser into your face. I think that would be more effective."
[Cardigan Owen started here]
mcwonthelottery: "What is it with the fucking red back on this vest? I always wonder that."
pocky_slash: "I don't know, but I want to touch it. When it comes to Ianto, I frequently want to touch things.....like his penis."
mcwonthelottery: "Dear Diary, today was the worst day ever. My secret dinosaur lover never called, I was a serial killer..."
pocky_slash: "Jack read my diary..."
mcwonthelottery: "It's bad enough Kyle Patrick is hanging around and Greg Holden is following him around trying to feed him eggs."
pocky_slash: "Jack's like, 'How do all these people know about Torchwood?'"
mcwonthelottery: "'I lead a secret double life.'"
pocky_slash: "'I'm in a shitty blues band. I was too ashamed to tell you.'"
mcwonthelottery: "All of my clothes are gone! All of my condoms! My 77 different flavors of lube I've been collecting since I was 17!"
mcwonthelottery: "Did I win some fucking cardigan contest? This one's pink!...actually, I like that one."
mcwonthelottery: "I bet fucking Ianto signed me up for the Cardigan of the Month Club."
mcwonthelottery: "You can't write rules until you've fucked an alien. Let's be honest - pretty much everyone would be able to write rules."
pocky_slash: "I don't think the sitcom takes place in the shark. I think that's your birthday story. And the next season of Torchwood."
mcwonthelottery: "Torchwood: Shark Stomach."
"You don't understand! The cardigans are alive! They cry every night! They just want eggs! And someone named Greg."
mcwonthelottery: "Owen's like, 'I have a nest. No one's allowed in it, but you can sit in it with me. But you can't move the cardigans. You can just sit.'"
mcwonthelottery: "I have to take a picture of this shark tooth and put it on the internet so I can figure out what kind of shark we're inside."
mcwonthelottery: "You're not supposed to be a milkshake, you're just supposed to be wearing sexy dresses!"
mcwonthelottery: "Howard Dean shows up. 'What you got there?' 'We've upgraded from Find.com to Google.'"
mcwonthelottery: "The chick shows up, she's like, 'I found your post on the internet.' Tosh is like, 'I posted on StuckinaSharkStomach.com!'"
pocky_slash: "So now the chick's there, PC Andy's there..."
mcwonthelottery: "Oh my god, I totally ship that chick/PC Andy!"
pocky_slash: "What you and the cardigans do while I'm over there...."
mcwonthelottery: "You sat in my nest. You know how it goes."
mcwonthelottery: "I feel like this is one of those things that's gone so far so quickly that I have to remind myself how it started. Jack Harkness, vloging."
pocky_slash: "Because he has a camera with a direct feed to the Hub."
mcwonthelottery: "And now Owen and Ianto are sharing carrots in a nest of cardigans in a shark's stomach."
pocky_slash: "Thank god he keeps the cardigan with the dead horse embroidered on it on his person at all times."
Step two: Attempt to use the quotes to contruct a loose outline of what happened this weekend.
Step three: Try to explain the beauty of Cardigan!Owen to the internet.
Step four: ?
Step five: Profit.
mcwonthelottery: "Has anyone told us how awesome we are yet?"
pocky_slash: "No! I don't know what the fuck is wrong with people."
mcwonthelottery: "They all have bad taste."
mcwonthelottery: "You know it's all going to end with a threesome with the Armless Hipster."
mcwonthelottery: "Look, if Matt Bomer were in Shark Attack 3, it would have been awesome. I would have paid money to hear him say, 'Let's go home and I'll eat your pussy.'"
pocky_slash: "Peter's eating an apple and hacking one handed."
mcwonthelottery: "Elizabeth comes in and is like, 'I got your message on the internet.'"
mcwonthelottery: "Clearly what was missing from this movie was sexual tension between Barrowman and Howard Dean."
"mcwonthelottery: "Oh my god. Shark/T-Rex OTP!"
pocky_slash: It's possible Ben Affleck just found his way into Torchwood: LA. As the pterosaur.
mcwonthelottery: "Why is that Ninja Turtle eating that crying milkshake? I didn't realize you shipped Mozzie/Barrowman."
pocky_slash: "Ew! Barrowman ruins everything good!"
pocky_slash: "I don't have my phone so if anything funny happens at the grocery store, you have to be all over that shit."
pocky_slash: "Based on the science I'm looking at here...."
pocky_slash: "The answer is science as indicated by these arrows!"
pocky_slash: "Man, I can't wait until we win the Nobel Prize in cooking!"
pocky_slash: "I know what I'm doing. I just pretended once and it worked!"
mcwonthelottery: "Step 5: check and see if anyone has said how awesome we are on the internet. Step 6: make a frickin' mess."
pocky_slash: "If only Howard Dean were here!"
pocky_slash: "If that happens, you'll have to drive me to the ER. Or, I guess I'll have to drive to the ER one handed."
mcwonthelottery: "If you can hack one handed, you can drive one handed."
pocky_slash: "But how will I eat an apple?"
mcwonthelottery: "I'll feed it to you."
pocky_slash: "Owen can be the crying milkshake with the stripe. Jack can be the other crying milkshake."
mcwonthelottery: "If you find that you can't write the T-Rex porn, feel free to write me Peter as the Doctor. Seriously."
mcwonthelottery: "Why isn't Jeff Eastin my best friend yet?"
pocky_slash: "I put the Torchwood discs back in random order."
mcwonthelottery: "But that screws up Toshiko's arc!"
pocky_slash: "Ahahahahah! Toshiko's arc! That is the most ridiculous thing you've said all weekend."
mcwonthelottery: "Jack's like, 'I didn't earn that Worst Boss of the Year mug by worrying about my employees!'"
Tosh: "How did it get here?"
mcwonthelottery: "It came through the rift, Tosh. Is this your first day?"
pocky_slash: "She wasn't paying attention at that part. She was thinking about how dreamy Owen is."
mcwonthelottery: "Ok. I can't fault her. I'd be doing the same thing."
pocky_slash: "In our new season of Torchwood. That takes place inside the shark. Where it's always Tuesday."
mcwonthelottery: "I didn't realize the Hub is inside the shark now."
pocky_slash: "Owen and Ianto are the only ones who followed the stun gun rule!"
mcwonthelottery: "Owen's like, 'I wanna bring a real gun.' Ianto's like 'No! Jack said stun guns only!'"
pocky_slash: "They get there and everyone has real guns. 'Everyone else brought real guns! We're the only ones with stun guns!'"
mcwonthelottery: "'Why did I listen to you? I hate that we're friends now!'"
pocky_slash: "You just undermined your own ship."
mcwonthelottery: "That's how Owen/Ianto goes."
mcwonthelottery: "We found the source of our problems--Continuity - Vicky Cole. Where's her number?"
mcwonthelottery: "Guess who doesn't win the prize?"
pocky_slash: "Jack? Because I'm going to fast forward through every scene he's in?"
mcwonthelottery: "Jack wasn't even eligible for the prize."
mcwonthelottery: "Why does Jack just carry around a video camera that transmits straight to the Hub? In case he's out and suddenly wants to vlog?"
mcwonthelottery: "You lie, it shoots a fucking laser into your face. I think that would be more effective."
[Cardigan Owen started here]
mcwonthelottery: "What is it with the fucking red back on this vest? I always wonder that."
pocky_slash: "I don't know, but I want to touch it. When it comes to Ianto, I frequently want to touch things.....like his penis."
mcwonthelottery: "Dear Diary, today was the worst day ever. My secret dinosaur lover never called, I was a serial killer..."
pocky_slash: "Jack read my diary..."
mcwonthelottery: "It's bad enough Kyle Patrick is hanging around and Greg Holden is following him around trying to feed him eggs."
pocky_slash: "Jack's like, 'How do all these people know about Torchwood?'"
mcwonthelottery: "'I lead a secret double life.'"
pocky_slash: "'I'm in a shitty blues band. I was too ashamed to tell you.'"
mcwonthelottery: "All of my clothes are gone! All of my condoms! My 77 different flavors of lube I've been collecting since I was 17!"
mcwonthelottery: "Did I win some fucking cardigan contest? This one's pink!...actually, I like that one."
mcwonthelottery: "I bet fucking Ianto signed me up for the Cardigan of the Month Club."
mcwonthelottery: "You can't write rules until you've fucked an alien. Let's be honest - pretty much everyone would be able to write rules."
pocky_slash: "I don't think the sitcom takes place in the shark. I think that's your birthday story. And the next season of Torchwood."
mcwonthelottery: "Torchwood: Shark Stomach."
"You don't understand! The cardigans are alive! They cry every night! They just want eggs! And someone named Greg."
mcwonthelottery: "Owen's like, 'I have a nest. No one's allowed in it, but you can sit in it with me. But you can't move the cardigans. You can just sit.'"
mcwonthelottery: "I have to take a picture of this shark tooth and put it on the internet so I can figure out what kind of shark we're inside."
mcwonthelottery: "You're not supposed to be a milkshake, you're just supposed to be wearing sexy dresses!"
mcwonthelottery: "Howard Dean shows up. 'What you got there?' 'We've upgraded from Find.com to Google.'"
mcwonthelottery: "The chick shows up, she's like, 'I found your post on the internet.' Tosh is like, 'I posted on StuckinaSharkStomach.com!'"
pocky_slash: "So now the chick's there, PC Andy's there..."
mcwonthelottery: "Oh my god, I totally ship that chick/PC Andy!"
pocky_slash: "What you and the cardigans do while I'm over there...."
mcwonthelottery: "You sat in my nest. You know how it goes."
mcwonthelottery: "I feel like this is one of those things that's gone so far so quickly that I have to remind myself how it started. Jack Harkness, vloging."
pocky_slash: "Because he has a camera with a direct feed to the Hub."
mcwonthelottery: "And now Owen and Ianto are sharing carrots in a nest of cardigans in a shark's stomach."
pocky_slash: "Thank god he keeps the cardigan with the dead horse embroidered on it on his person at all times."