[GW] A Case of Crack (1/1)
Title: A Case of Crack
Pairing: Trowa, Wufei, and Pookie (with mentions of Heero/Duo/Quatre)
Rating: R
Warnings: Bad humor, crackfic of the utmost degree, descriptions of a possibly disturbing sex life, but no actual sex. Also... tentacles. Okay, and I'll have to warn for the implied drug use, necrophilia, and voyeurism.
Notes: Written for windsorblue's Anon Fic Meme. She couldn't guess me the frst time, so I had to be HARDCORE ME for this one. Which is probably why this fic is cracky and doesn't make sense.
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"So."
"So."
"Let me get this straight," Trowa said blithely, ignoring the mess of pornography and horror that lay scattered about the room. Wufei simply arched a brow, waiting for Trowa to go on, his own coal black eyes darting away from the more graphic of the imagery presented to them. "Heero is... apparently dead--"
"Undead."
"No, being undead means you're a vampire."
"I'm not getting into a debate about how to classify Yuy's state of non-being with you, Barton," Wufei snapped out. "This is disturbing enough already. Just get on with it."
Trowa just shrugged in response. "We're going to have to classify it in the Preventer's report anyway. We might as well agree on a word for it now. Revenant? Wraith?"
The Chinese man scowled even more. "Just call him a zombie, that's what he seems to be."
"See? That wasn't so hard."
"Shut up, Barton."
Trowa's hands ran over the edge of a desk, rustling through the papers piled there, and his eyes catching the glow from the laptop monitor. "Where was I? Oh yes, Heero is... a zombie, as illogical as that sounds. Duo is... what did happen to him anyway?"
"He's insane. Or under the influence of some mind-altering and libido-enhancing drug." The faint look of distaste crossed Wufei's face for a moment. "Maxwell was found with Yuy, as in with Yuy."
"But Heero is a zombie."
"Yes."
"Is this one of those reports where we're going to have to describe necrophilia again?"
"By all my ancestors, I hope not," Wufei returned, finally giving in to the urge to look over the materials spread over the top of the table. "Besides, Yuy is mobile, so I am not sure if necrophilia would be the appropriate term for... the act."
"And as far as I found out, Quatre was watching the whole scene and muttering about ZERO System and champagne glass-shaped bathtubs."
"I suspect he may be under the same influences that Maxwell was. It's only by luck that we two were spared. The information so far indicates that this was a plot set up for all five of us."
Trowa's brow furrowed in thought. "All five of us? The Gundam pilots, you mean? Do you think this might be some common enemy of ours?"
Wufei crossed his arms as he nodded. "It is possible. The five of us did manage to make many enemies during the war, though what sort of enemy would resort to... to utter depravity and licentiousness, I have no idea."
"Don't tell me that such revenge is unjust, Wufei," Trowa said, a small smile on his lips. "Afterall, what better way to break a Gundam pilot than to attack with the most unexpected of--"
Wufei blinked, turning back to look at Trowa, who had paused in mid-sentence. The taller man seemed to be lost in thought, as if trying to mentally put together the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
"Barton?"
"Wufei... do you smell something strange?"
With a frown, Wufei inhaled carefully, but there seemed to be nothing amiss. No telltale scents of poisons or gas, just a slightly... fruity scent. "Are you wearing cologne? Or using strong soap?"
Trowa's confusion finally melted away as he placed the scent. "No, I'm not. I thought it was you at first, but I doubt you've been drinking on the job."
"What?"
"Something smells like pina colada."
Alas, that the two men had their backs turned away from the darkest part of the room. They both completely missed the multi-appendeged thing silently humping its way across the floor towards them. Its playthings had been taken away... and Pookie was feeling frisky.
-- Owari --
Pairing: Trowa, Wufei, and Pookie (with mentions of Heero/Duo/Quatre)
Rating: R
Warnings: Bad humor, crackfic of the utmost degree, descriptions of a possibly disturbing sex life, but no actual sex. Also... tentacles. Okay, and I'll have to warn for the implied drug use, necrophilia, and voyeurism.
Notes: Written for windsorblue's Anon Fic Meme. She couldn't guess me the frst time, so I had to be HARDCORE ME for this one. Which is probably why this fic is cracky and doesn't make sense.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So."
"So."
"Let me get this straight," Trowa said blithely, ignoring the mess of pornography and horror that lay scattered about the room. Wufei simply arched a brow, waiting for Trowa to go on, his own coal black eyes darting away from the more graphic of the imagery presented to them. "Heero is... apparently dead--"
"Undead."
"No, being undead means you're a vampire."
"I'm not getting into a debate about how to classify Yuy's state of non-being with you, Barton," Wufei snapped out. "This is disturbing enough already. Just get on with it."
Trowa just shrugged in response. "We're going to have to classify it in the Preventer's report anyway. We might as well agree on a word for it now. Revenant? Wraith?"
The Chinese man scowled even more. "Just call him a zombie, that's what he seems to be."
"See? That wasn't so hard."
"Shut up, Barton."
Trowa's hands ran over the edge of a desk, rustling through the papers piled there, and his eyes catching the glow from the laptop monitor. "Where was I? Oh yes, Heero is... a zombie, as illogical as that sounds. Duo is... what did happen to him anyway?"
"He's insane. Or under the influence of some mind-altering and libido-enhancing drug." The faint look of distaste crossed Wufei's face for a moment. "Maxwell was found with Yuy, as in with Yuy."
"But Heero is a zombie."
"Yes."
"Is this one of those reports where we're going to have to describe necrophilia again?"
"By all my ancestors, I hope not," Wufei returned, finally giving in to the urge to look over the materials spread over the top of the table. "Besides, Yuy is mobile, so I am not sure if necrophilia would be the appropriate term for... the act."
"And as far as I found out, Quatre was watching the whole scene and muttering about ZERO System and champagne glass-shaped bathtubs."
"I suspect he may be under the same influences that Maxwell was. It's only by luck that we two were spared. The information so far indicates that this was a plot set up for all five of us."
Trowa's brow furrowed in thought. "All five of us? The Gundam pilots, you mean? Do you think this might be some common enemy of ours?"
Wufei crossed his arms as he nodded. "It is possible. The five of us did manage to make many enemies during the war, though what sort of enemy would resort to... to utter depravity and licentiousness, I have no idea."
"Don't tell me that such revenge is unjust, Wufei," Trowa said, a small smile on his lips. "Afterall, what better way to break a Gundam pilot than to attack with the most unexpected of--"
Wufei blinked, turning back to look at Trowa, who had paused in mid-sentence. The taller man seemed to be lost in thought, as if trying to mentally put together the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
"Barton?"
"Wufei... do you smell something strange?"
With a frown, Wufei inhaled carefully, but there seemed to be nothing amiss. No telltale scents of poisons or gas, just a slightly... fruity scent. "Are you wearing cologne? Or using strong soap?"
Trowa's confusion finally melted away as he placed the scent. "No, I'm not. I thought it was you at first, but I doubt you've been drinking on the job."
"What?"
"Something smells like pina colada."
Alas, that the two men had their backs turned away from the darkest part of the room. They both completely missed the multi-appendeged thing silently humping its way across the floor towards them. Its playthings had been taken away... and Pookie was feeling frisky.
-- Owari --