100 Things hide is no Longer Allowed to do at Exstacy Records.
Inspired by the far superior Skippy's List.
And yes, I made this all up. Just so's we're clear, mmmkay?
1. Superglue is not a styling product, and it wrong of me to tell Toshi otherwise.
2. I will not make porn using company resources.
3. Especially not of my bandmates.
4. Especially NOT without their permission.
5. And it most certainly wrong of me to try and sell it to our fans.
6. I will stop attempting to harvest a Pata's body hair for occult rituals.
7. Will stop attempting to train Pata's cats to "Get Yoshiki!"
8. Will not leave gum in bandmate's hair.
9. Will not leave gum anywhere on Pata's body.
10. I am not qualified to give breast exams.
11. Or prostate exams.
12. Not allowed to copy Heath's old porn movies over any official recording, no matter how much I think the fans will appreciate it.
13. Will stop secretly recording my band mates in the shower and selling the footage to fans.
14. I am not an evil alien overlord.
15. Will no longer walk around the offices in one of my Blue Blood outfits asking people if they would like to see their future in my balls.
16. If they say yes, I will not drop my pants and hike up my dress.
17. My name not Madam Zarathuthra and I will stop signing it as such.
18. I will no longer buy Yoshiki tampons.
19. Not allowed to use a cardboard cut-out as my stand-in during photoshoots.
20. It is not possible to get high off bananas, and I should stop trying to convince Pata otherwise.
21. Licking Pata will not give me a contact high.
22. Will no longer send out roadies to fetch items that do not exist.
23. Yoshiki is not a robot and INA is not qualified to repair him.
24. I will not have sex on company equipment and most certainly will not forget to clean up after myself.
25. Screaming "Hail Eris" and setting off fireworks is not a religious ritual.
26. There is absolutely no reason for me stick my hand down Yoshiki's pants to verify his gender.
27. Taiji's hat does not give me a skill bonus.
28. I will not wear Yoshiki's cymbals as hats.
29. Getting a stripper to perform a lapdance for my manger in the middle of a meeting does not not count as an act of charity, no matter how badly I think he needs to loosen up.
30. I will not feed Pata catnip.
31. Heath does not require my assistance undressing, no matter how tight his pants are.
32. I will not refer to Yoshiki as "The Annoying Bitch Queen from Hell."
33. Taiji's Fender is not haunted by the ghost of Jaco Pastorious, and I should stop trying exorcise it.
34. I will not attempt to raise snakes on company property.
35. Covering my sleeping bandmate's face in whipped cream and then licking it off of them is considered a form of sexual harassment.
36. I will not attempt to communicate using interpretive dance during band meetings.
37. I will cease making neighing noise at Yoshiki.
38. Taiji is not smuggling a budgie in his trousers and I should stop trying to free it.
39. Not allowed to boo Yoshiki during his solos.
40. Will not Superglue Yoshiki to his drum throne.
41. Will not Superglue Yoshiki to piano bench.
42. Will not attempt to Superglue Yoshiki to any object ever again.
43. Will no longer introduce Yoshiki as "Her Royal Highness, Princess Yoshiki."
44. Not allowed to use a giant plushie of myself as a body double.
45. Not allowed sell my bandmates' underpants to fans.
46. Not all problems an be solved by more strippers, and I should stop suggesting it.
47. No longer allowed to quote the wise words of Monty Python's Flying Circus ever again.
48. The "height rule" does not apply to band hierarchy.
49. Not allowed to fill out questionnaires using only the word "tits."
50. An eldritch abomination is not dwelling the practice room fridge.
51. Neither are any other intelligent lifeforms.
52. Or particularity unintelligent ones.
53. Will not give Wet Willies to members of the press, no matter how annoying they are.
54. A "Jack Daniels IV" is not medically advisable, and I should cease telling Pata otherwise.
55. Will not accuse inanimate objects of looking at me funny.
56. It is very wrong to wax Pata's chest while he is unconscious.
57. Will stop selling my pubic hair to fans.
58. I am not qualified to perform surgery on myself or others.
59. Will not stick my fingers any bandmember's bodily orifices without their permission.
60. Same goes for my tongue.
61. Pedestrians are not worth points and I should stop encouraging the driver to run them over.
62. A cockatoo is not a suitable replacement for Toshi.
63. Not allowed to fake my own kidnapping to get out of a press conference.
64. I am not allowed to send nude photos of myself to my bandmates' mothers, even if they requested it.
65. Yoshiki cannot be warded off with a cross.
66. I cannot channel of the powers of "Jesus Christ, Superstar."
67. Matches are not toys and I should not play with them.
68. Will no longer put condoms on the microphones.
69. Will not spike the band's coffee with LSD.
70. Will not attempt to start my own religion as a tax write-off.
71. A flame-thrower is not to be used as a prop or for lighting cigarettes.
72. I will stop siccing strippers on Pata just to watch him squirm.
73. Will not play Ceiling-Fan-Baseball with a real baseball.
74. Or a bowling ball.
75. Fireball is not an actual sport and I shouldn't attempt to start my own league.
76. Yoshiki's drumsticks are not to be used as sex toys.
77. I cannot have my body shot out of a cannon after I die.
78. Will stop leaving a sleeping Pata in doorways for people to trip over.
79. Cannot steal Yoshiki's drum hardware to build deathray.
80. No deathray-building, period.
81. I will no longer do the Heil Hitler towards the President of Sony.
82. I will not crawl around under the table and lick my bandmates' feet at band meetings.
83. I cannot have stripper pole installed in the studio.
84. Will not attempt to mail Toshi to the Shire.
85. Will cease to refer to myself as "Hideto the Pink."
86. Not allowed to use Yoshiki's thong as a slingshot, especially not while he's wearing it.
87. I am not authorized to perform marriage ceremonies.
88. I am not authorized to conduct funerals.
89. I will not attempt to summon the legions of the dead to do my bidding.
90. I will not use sex toys to wake up Pata.
91. There no such such thing as ass cancer and I will stop checking the staff for it.
92. Not allowed to recreate any of the scenes from "Seth et Holth" during rehearsal.
93. The Endless are fictional and I should stop trying to summon them for sex.
94. Sex with fat chicks does not constituent an act of charity and cannot be used as a tax deduction.
95. Will not attempt to give Pata a facial of any kind.
96. I will not attempt to build a kimono out of Fruit Roll-Ups.
97. I will stop snorting baking soda in public.
98. Not allowed top refer to Pata as "My Bitch" to the press.
99. My bandmate's pets are not to used for target practice or scientific experiments.
100. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL I CEASE TO FIND NEW AND INTERESTING WAYS TO MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF.
Part Two
x-posted like a whore, sahry.
And yes, I made this all up. Just so's we're clear, mmmkay?
1. Superglue is not a styling product, and it wrong of me to tell Toshi otherwise.
2. I will not make porn using company resources.
3. Especially not of my bandmates.
4. Especially NOT without their permission.
5. And it most certainly wrong of me to try and sell it to our fans.
6. I will stop attempting to harvest a Pata's body hair for occult rituals.
7. Will stop attempting to train Pata's cats to "Get Yoshiki!"
8. Will not leave gum in bandmate's hair.
9. Will not leave gum anywhere on Pata's body.
10. I am not qualified to give breast exams.
11. Or prostate exams.
12. Not allowed to copy Heath's old porn movies over any official recording, no matter how much I think the fans will appreciate it.
13. Will stop secretly recording my band mates in the shower and selling the footage to fans.
14. I am not an evil alien overlord.
15. Will no longer walk around the offices in one of my Blue Blood outfits asking people if they would like to see their future in my balls.
16. If they say yes, I will not drop my pants and hike up my dress.
17. My name not Madam Zarathuthra and I will stop signing it as such.
18. I will no longer buy Yoshiki tampons.
19. Not allowed to use a cardboard cut-out as my stand-in during photoshoots.
20. It is not possible to get high off bananas, and I should stop trying to convince Pata otherwise.
21. Licking Pata will not give me a contact high.
22. Will no longer send out roadies to fetch items that do not exist.
23. Yoshiki is not a robot and INA is not qualified to repair him.
24. I will not have sex on company equipment and most certainly will not forget to clean up after myself.
25. Screaming "Hail Eris" and setting off fireworks is not a religious ritual.
26. There is absolutely no reason for me stick my hand down Yoshiki's pants to verify his gender.
27. Taiji's hat does not give me a skill bonus.
28. I will not wear Yoshiki's cymbals as hats.
29. Getting a stripper to perform a lapdance for my manger in the middle of a meeting does not not count as an act of charity, no matter how badly I think he needs to loosen up.
30. I will not feed Pata catnip.
31. Heath does not require my assistance undressing, no matter how tight his pants are.
32. I will not refer to Yoshiki as "The Annoying Bitch Queen from Hell."
33. Taiji's Fender is not haunted by the ghost of Jaco Pastorious, and I should stop trying exorcise it.
34. I will not attempt to raise snakes on company property.
35. Covering my sleeping bandmate's face in whipped cream and then licking it off of them is considered a form of sexual harassment.
36. I will not attempt to communicate using interpretive dance during band meetings.
37. I will cease making neighing noise at Yoshiki.
38. Taiji is not smuggling a budgie in his trousers and I should stop trying to free it.
39. Not allowed to boo Yoshiki during his solos.
40. Will not Superglue Yoshiki to his drum throne.
41. Will not Superglue Yoshiki to piano bench.
42. Will not attempt to Superglue Yoshiki to any object ever again.
43. Will no longer introduce Yoshiki as "Her Royal Highness, Princess Yoshiki."
44. Not allowed to use a giant plushie of myself as a body double.
45. Not allowed sell my bandmates' underpants to fans.
46. Not all problems an be solved by more strippers, and I should stop suggesting it.
47. No longer allowed to quote the wise words of Monty Python's Flying Circus ever again.
48. The "height rule" does not apply to band hierarchy.
49. Not allowed to fill out questionnaires using only the word "tits."
50. An eldritch abomination is not dwelling the practice room fridge.
51. Neither are any other intelligent lifeforms.
52. Or particularity unintelligent ones.
53. Will not give Wet Willies to members of the press, no matter how annoying they are.
54. A "Jack Daniels IV" is not medically advisable, and I should cease telling Pata otherwise.
55. Will not accuse inanimate objects of looking at me funny.
56. It is very wrong to wax Pata's chest while he is unconscious.
57. Will stop selling my pubic hair to fans.
58. I am not qualified to perform surgery on myself or others.
59. Will not stick my fingers any bandmember's bodily orifices without their permission.
60. Same goes for my tongue.
61. Pedestrians are not worth points and I should stop encouraging the driver to run them over.
62. A cockatoo is not a suitable replacement for Toshi.
63. Not allowed to fake my own kidnapping to get out of a press conference.
64. I am not allowed to send nude photos of myself to my bandmates' mothers, even if they requested it.
65. Yoshiki cannot be warded off with a cross.
66. I cannot channel of the powers of "Jesus Christ, Superstar."
67. Matches are not toys and I should not play with them.
68. Will no longer put condoms on the microphones.
69. Will not spike the band's coffee with LSD.
70. Will not attempt to start my own religion as a tax write-off.
71. A flame-thrower is not to be used as a prop or for lighting cigarettes.
72. I will stop siccing strippers on Pata just to watch him squirm.
73. Will not play Ceiling-Fan-Baseball with a real baseball.
74. Or a bowling ball.
75. Fireball is not an actual sport and I shouldn't attempt to start my own league.
76. Yoshiki's drumsticks are not to be used as sex toys.
77. I cannot have my body shot out of a cannon after I die.
78. Will stop leaving a sleeping Pata in doorways for people to trip over.
79. Cannot steal Yoshiki's drum hardware to build deathray.
80. No deathray-building, period.
81. I will no longer do the Heil Hitler towards the President of Sony.
82. I will not crawl around under the table and lick my bandmates' feet at band meetings.
83. I cannot have stripper pole installed in the studio.
84. Will not attempt to mail Toshi to the Shire.
85. Will cease to refer to myself as "Hideto the Pink."
86. Not allowed to use Yoshiki's thong as a slingshot, especially not while he's wearing it.
87. I am not authorized to perform marriage ceremonies.
88. I am not authorized to conduct funerals.
89. I will not attempt to summon the legions of the dead to do my bidding.
90. I will not use sex toys to wake up Pata.
91. There no such such thing as ass cancer and I will stop checking the staff for it.
92. Not allowed to recreate any of the scenes from "Seth et Holth" during rehearsal.
93. The Endless are fictional and I should stop trying to summon them for sex.
94. Sex with fat chicks does not constituent an act of charity and cannot be used as a tax deduction.
95. Will not attempt to give Pata a facial of any kind.
96. I will not attempt to build a kimono out of Fruit Roll-Ups.
97. I will stop snorting baking soda in public.
98. Not allowed top refer to Pata as "My Bitch" to the press.
99. My bandmate's pets are not to used for target practice or scientific experiments.
100. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL I CEASE TO FIND NEW AND INTERESTING WAYS TO MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF.
Part Two
x-posted like a whore, sahry.