Bodyswap come Office Fic

[pheebs1]

Title: Work that Body.
Rating: PG 13
Warnings: Bad Language, some sex talk & mild Dean/OFC kissage
Genre: Humor, Gen.
Summary: Dean and Sam swap bodies; Dean has to work in an office to set them right.

Begun for spn_challenges, er, challenge, of ‘Sam and/or Dean get day jobs’ and has crossed with a bodyswap fic. My dear beta innie_darling and I have been affectionately calling this my megacrack. I owe innie a LOT for this. All the good ideas and words are hers.

Disclaimer: They aren’t mine and if they were I wouldn’t get much writing done.


Spoilers for Nightmare I guess...onto the fic

Dean got out of bed and shuffled toward the bathroom, yawning. He bumped into the other bed, saw a lump shift through half shut eyes, and grunted. He could have sworn he was in the one nearest the door. He mentally shrugged and felt his bleary-eyed way to the bathroom. He banged his head on the door and frowned; he was sure it wasn’t that low. He reached up to rub his head and knew something was wrong when he felt a mop of unruly hair.

Dean struggled to the bathroom mirror and looked at his reflection. Sam stared back at him. Dean looked and blinked and Sam blinked back at him. Hair fell in his eyes and Dean brushed it away impatiently. He turned away and then turned back, as if that would change the results. No, for some reason, he now looked like Sam.

‘Sam! Get up! Get up now!’ Dean shouted loudly and rushed back into the other room. If it was just him, if he and Sam were now some freaky kind of twins… how the hell had this happened anyway?

He looked at his own body sit up in bed and was relieved. At least he hadn’t gone anywhere.

‘Whassup Dean, why the…’ Sam sat up, or rather SaminDean sat up and looked in shock at Dean. ‘Why am I looking at myself?’

DeaninSam looked back.

‘How the fuck should I know? Why am I looking at myself?’

Sam got out of bed and they stood on opposing sides, staring at each other. Dean literally felt like he was looking in a mirror. There he was with bed head, imprint of his watch on the side of his face, the gray tee he remembered falling asleep in. It was odd, looking across and also sort of down on himself.

‘There must be some explanation.’ Sam said, his usual low let's-be-calm-about-this voice sounding strange in Dean’s deeper timbre.

‘Yes well, I sort of kinda thought there must be some whacked out reason why this had happened.’ Dean paused. ‘Heck I look good even at this hour.’ He looked himself up and down appraisingly.

‘Dude, are you checking me…you’re checking yourself out? That’s sick!’

‘Well you never really get to look at yourself do you?’ Dean shook his head, annoyed when his hair flapped into his eyes. He especially remembered comments that girls had made about his ass, something about… bouncing quarters off it? ‘Let me take a good look at my ass.’ Sam simply stared back at Dean so Dean figured he’d just take a look later. He reached up and brushed Sam's hair impatiently away. ‘Did we do anything yesterday that might have caused this?’

Sam sat down on the edge of the bed, reached up and paused when he reached Dean’s shorter, spikier hair. ‘No, we researched that haunting, we found the grave, we salted bones; that’s it. Otherwise we drove, ate dinner… talked to people about the haunting, all in a day’s work.’

‘It must be related to that haunting, right? Are there any other examples of this kind of thing?’

‘I’ll look through the journal.’ Sam said. ‘I don’t see how it’s haunting related. I’ll research.’ Sam sighed and pushed himself up onto his feet. ‘I’m gonna shower first though.’

‘You’re gonna what?’ Dean gave him a glare, wondering if it worked as effectively when he was having to do it using Sam’s puppy dog eyes.

‘Dean, I’m tired and I can’t think without a shower.’

‘But you’ll be . . . ’ Dean shifted uncomfortably. ‘That’s my body you’ll be touching, just . . .’

‘Ew. I’m not gonna jack off in your body, gees. You were the one just checking yourself out.’ Sam managed to give him a disgusted look - which worked much better coming from Dean’s piercing gaze - and went off to shower.

Dean started to look through the journal impatiently, finding nothing. It was strange turning the pages with Sam’s much longer fingers and he fumbled a couple of times, got a bitch of a papercut, and cursed himself. Sam came out and reached for his own clothes then paused. ‘Fuck. I’ve got to wear your stuff.’

‘You’re lucky, you get my wardrobe, I get your bad shirts,’ Dean grumbled. ‘Look man, I can’t find anything.’ He threw the journal onto the bed, grabbed a random selection of Sam’s clothes and went to shower.

He tried not to think about the shower later because frankly, having to wash his brother’s body was something he hadn’t done since Sam was four and it kind of squicked Dean out. He looked through Sam’s clothes and sighed when none of them were cool enough to pass muster. He eventually decided on just jeans and a black tee and then caught sight of Sam’s hip bone. There was a small scar there. Dean couldn’t remember Sam getting an injury there. What was that from? . He threw Sam’s boxers on, shouting, ‘this is girly underwear, Dude,’ through to the other room as he did so. Dean wandered back through to Sam, who was sat on the bed pulling one of Dean’s tees on, grimacing as he did so.

‘When did you get this?’ Dean pulled the top of the boxers down slightly to indicate the source of his curiosity. At the same time, he shifted his hips into the light to get a better look at it. This process inadvertently ended up with his hips about two inches away from Sam’s face.

‘Dean, I’ve seen it.’ Sam said, batting Dean away. ‘I got it in college, from a bar fight.’

‘When were you in a bar fight? Were you okay? Looks like a couple of stitches.’ Dean ran his fingers wonderingly over it, as if he could drink it in and take in all of Sam’s life that was lived apart from him.

‘It was nothing, Dean. Couple of guys were hassling Jess and I got mad and,’ Sam shrugged, ‘one of them had a knife. Two stitches, I’ve had much worse hunting. I would’ve called if it had been serious. Of course Jess, she freaked,’ Sam frowned at the memory, furrowed Dean’s brow while he remembered, ‘freaked more at how I handled myself, I think.’

Dean nodded in response and went to finish dressing. He looked at the rest of Sam’s scars as he did so, remembering when Sam had sustained them. He wondered if Sam had looked at Dean’s scars while he was changing; noticed all the injuries that Dean had gotten while Sam was away. Away supposedly being safe; not that there was any such thing. When he came back out Sam was sitting at the laptop pursing Dean’s lips out in a huge pout. He kept doing a flippy motion with his head and Dean supposed it was habit, to move his goddamn annoying hair but it just came across as some sort of weird tic. Sam was wearing the purple shirt that Dean hated over a tee.

‘I hate that shirt; trust you to pick it out.’

Sam glared at him and man, it was a scary look to be on the receiving end of, Dean realised, as he flinched from his own gaze. ‘Okay, so it was a regular haunting right?’

‘Right.’ Dean tried to get comfortable on a chair while he listened. His legs were too long and he ended up awkwardly wrapping them around the chair legs.

‘Yeah, so the guy was murdered by his wife, and then he haunted the house and drove people crazy for years until we ended it last night by salting the bones. Nothing in that to suggest body swaps. Maybe there's something else going on with the house. We should talk to the family again. Look into the local area too. We should go check out the town history, there might be something there.’

‘Sure,’ Dean said. ‘You know, there might be a simpler explanation.’ Sam looked at him puzzled and Dean continued. ‘Maybe you just wished to be me and it came true, I know I’m awesome,’ Dean laughed as Sam tried to push him off his chair. But Dean had the height advantage this time and he easily rocked the chair back and punched Sam lightly in the stomach. Not too hard, because Dean didn’t want to give himself bruises. Chicks liked scars, but bruises tended to freak them out.

‘I think that works with both people wishing it at the same time. I’ve seen that movie too, so unless you harbour hidden desires to be me,’ and Dean made a face at that, ‘then I don’t think that’s it.’

**

They went out to the car and Dean got in, then sighed when he had to readjust the seat and mirror to allow for Sam’s additional height.

‘How can four inches make so much difference?’ he muttered, then caught Sam’s eye and saw the giggle literally crawl over his face before bursting out of his mouth.

‘The ladies been lying to you Dean? Everybody knows size does matter.’

Dean scowled at Sam. ‘I’ve never had any complaints.’

It was strange, using Sam’s hands on the wheel; it didn’t fit quite as comfortably as normal. The worn patches weren’t quite right and the seat didn’t mold to his back quite as comfortably. He fidgeted impatiently the entire journey to the diner where they’d decided to grab lunch.

Dean banged his head on the way in and Sam smirked a really irritating smile that made Dean want to knock his block off.

‘Watch out for that door jamb.’

Dean was pleased to find that cuffing Sam’s head was a bit easier now he was a few inches shorter. They settled into their seats and a pretty brunette waitress with large brown eyes came over to take their order.

‘Hey guys. What can I getcha?’

‘Does it have to be something on the menu?’ Dean grinned. She looked at him and smiled, then looked over at Sam and Dean saw her check himself out. Or rather his body.

‘Maybe not.’ She said and grinned at Sam, who seemed oblivious.

‘The pasta of the day with a side salad please?’ He smiled and she blushed slightly. Dean couldn’t believe it.

‘I’ll get a burger and fries.’ Dean sighed, then decided to use what he did have to his advantage and he smiled Sam’s big smile at her, and looked at her soulfully with Sam’s big eyes. She melted underneath his look.

‘My pleasure Sir,’ and she gave Dean a wink as she left.

‘You totally cock blocked me,’ Sam said indignantly as she left. ‘She was flirting with me.’

‘She was flirting with me, idiot,’ Dean said. ‘That’s my body she was attracted to. Lucky I won her over with my charm.’

‘You won her over with my eyes you mean.’

‘Whatever,’ Dean waved his hand dismissively and accidentally knocked the menu over with it. ‘I’ll be the one with her number before we leave.’

‘Dean, you’re not,’ and Sam lowered his voice slightly, ‘fucking her in my body, alright?’

‘What? Why not?’ Dean asked indignantly. ‘You need to get laid; if I do it in your body it might still help relax you.’

‘Because it freaks me out, that’s why not. And Dean, would it have killed you to order something green? If you give me a break out I’ll smack you.’

‘Go right ahead. It’s your face you’re messing up,’ Dean grinned back at him.

Sam waved his hand, dismissing Dean, dismissing the argument, and Dean frowned and caught hold of it.

‘You took off my ring? I wear that every day, why’d you do that?’

Sam shrugged. ‘Dunno, I just did. It was bugging me. Dean, relax, it’s back in the room.’

Dean ate like he always did - impatiently and like he wasn’t sure where his next meal was coming from. He looked across and watched himself eating lunch, and it was strange, but he could really see Sam inside. See Sam look around and assess the room. See Sam’s expression in Dean’s own eyes as Sam tutted in exasperation. Dean didn’t think much about people’s souls and what happened to them, but he could see the essence of his brother in his own body.

‘We should go to the library, research see if anything has happened locally that might be similar.’ Sam said, tucking into his salad.

‘Headlines like, ‘Man swaps body with his wife: Spends all day feeling his tits?’ you mean?’ Dean tossed his bangs aside again. ‘Sam, I want to pin this back, how can you stand it.’

‘Put a pair of scissors anywhere near my head Dean…’ Sam said warningly.

**

They ended up at the library, Dean realizing that he could now read the titles of the books on the highest shelves without straining his neck.

‘I’m still not sure what we’re looking for.’ Dean grumbled, leafing through old town history books, bored out of his mind from talk of mayors and fetes. Sam was searching through computer microfiche, still tossing his head as if he had bangs. He glanced across at Dean.

‘Anything suspicious? If we don’t find anything then I guess we go talk to the family from yesterday, but that’s just gonna be a dead end.’ How did Sam manage to sound whiny in Dean’s own voice?

A pretty librarian walked past and checked them both out, lingering for a while on Dean’s - well Sam’s really - legs. She travelled up them to his body and Dean grinned. He shrugged Sam’s shirt off after she left.

‘What are you doing, undressing in the library, Dean?’

‘It’ll be better if she can see that you’ve got a chest. I’ve got a chest.’ Dean grinned.

‘I told you, no fucking in my body Dean. Not even a hot librarian, in a library.’ Sam rubbed his chin, tsking as he felt the stubble. ‘How can you stand not to shave. This ‘I haven’t been to bed’ look is annoying, Dean.’

‘But it’s attractive. You look hot Dude.’ Dean wished he hadn’t said that quite so loud because the librarian chose that moment to walk past. ‘I’m not... that’s me I’m…’ Dean said lamely after her.

Sam snorted a very annoying laugh, and went back to his microfiche. ‘It’s nice not to get backache from bending over computer screens.’ Sam added.

‘You’re hardly the Jolly Green Giant, okay Sam? A few inches do not make you so much better than me. I now have proof of that. It just means you bang your head more.’ Dean rubbed his head and went back to boring town history.

Several winks from students and four coffees later and Dean fidgeted his way over to Sam. He was buzzing from Sam’s body’s inability to cope with caffeine.

‘You need to get more used to black coffee. It’s all those vanilla latte girly nonsense drinks. You can’t take a man’s drink.’

‘And your body’s too horny,’ Sam hissed. Dean nearly fell over Sam’s big feet from laughing as he approached Sam.

‘Having trouble with my naturally active libido Sam? You’re the one whose dick twitches at every girl that walks past. You so need to get laid it’s ridiculous.’

‘Maybe it’s your libido doing that. Your brain in my body.’

‘Maybe it’s your desperation in my body.’ Dean added airily, draping his long arms over the corner of the desk. ‘Besides, Dude, I got nothing and if we’re talking to yesterday’s family before it’s tomorrow, we gotta shag ass.’

‘Okay.’ Sam rather too flamboyantly unwound himself from the chair, Dean’s arms not quite long enough for his usual motions. ‘Let’s go.’

**

They arrived at the Johnsons' house and knocked on the door. Mrs. Johnson answered, looking puzzled that they’d returned. Dean let Sam do the talking and she looked totally confused, probably because they were acting completely differently. Even in Dean’s body Sam was still better at getting them to trust him. He made Dean’s voice sound completely different, soft and low as he asked her for any information. Sam managed to question her about people acting differently or out of character without giving anything away, but she came up with nothing that might help.

They traced their steps slowly back to the car. Dean saw Sam slouching in his body. Dean always held himself tall but Sam often slouched. Having spent a day in Sam’s body knocking his head on everything, Dean could see why he held himself like that. It was weird seeing that habit carry over to his own body.

‘That’s that bright idea gone then,’ Dean grumbled.

‘You thought it was a good idea just now when it was our only lead. You made us leave to come here.’ Sam waved his hand and he must have been having trouble controlling Dean’s body too because he accidentally knocked Dean’s arm.

‘Watch it Sam.’

‘Afraid I’ll hurt ya?’ Sam grinned.

‘Please, I’ve got the height advantage now and that’s the only thing that helped you before.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Sam frowned and Dean could see Sam’s stubborn gaze, see Sam etched over Dean’s whole face, and he waited for the prod. He could read Sam like a book because sure enough Sam added, ‘Really,’ and poked Dean hard in the chest.

‘Really,’ Dean mimicked and went to smack Sam’s arm. Sam blocked it and aimed at Dean’s chest but Dean stopped it, overshot his mark, and ended up punching Sam hard in the shoulder. That pushed Sam over the edge and he hit Dean back and soon they were fighting. Both flailing and struggling to control strange bodies. Sam having to use Dean’s strength rather than his length and added height. Dean suddenly having extra inches all over to control.

Neither of them coped very well and they ended up on the floor, Sam half on top of Dean and Dean struggling to get out. Dean tried to flip Sam, but ending up just rolling them and bashing them both into a nearby tree.

They broke apart and stood, glaring at each other heavily. Dean was annoyed, angry at Sam and at himself, and smack, he whacked himself clear in the face.

‘Dean, for crying out…’ Sam moved far away from Dean. ‘Fuck.’

Dean felt immediately guilty. He didn’t know what had come over him. ‘I’m sorry Sam. I… I guess I have an annoying face.’

‘Yeah you do.’ Sam said, rubbing his chin. Dean looked around, not wanting to meet Sam’s hurt gaze which damn, Sam still had even in the wrong body, and he saw a woman watching them from a doorway across the road. He caught her gaze and she stared at him a moment too long, then moved back inside.

‘Sam, over there. That woman was watching us.’

‘I’d watch too if two brothers brawled in the street.’

‘There was something weird about her.’

Sam straightened up and listened, because Sam always paid attention to stuff like that. ‘What kind of weird?’

‘I don’t know. She looked. . . caught. Surprised. She stared at me, and not in a checking me out way. As if she wanted to talk to me but didn’t know how.’

They raced across the street to knock on her door. She didn’t open it immediately so Dean shouted through the letterbox. It hurt his back having to bend down that far.

‘Excuse me Ma’am. We know you’re in there.’ It didn’t sound as scary as it normally did.

Sam elbowed him out the way and added, ‘We just want to talk to you.’ Sam’s voice sounded high and Dean knew he was making an effort to remain calm. He looked at Dean and added, ‘We know what you did.’

They heard footsteps inside, then the woman opened the door wide, and looked them both up and down. As if she was examining them. ‘I’m sorry, I never thought…’ Her voice trailed off. She was small, around five foot, with long black hair. Fairly attractive, and not much older than Dean, he suspected.

‘Never thought what?’ Dean asked fiercely. She was tiny, he thought, or was he just extra high now?

‘I never thought it would work. It never has before.’

‘You mean, you’ve tried this before?’ Sam sounded incredulous. It wasn’t strange hearing his own voice with Sam’s inflections anymore, it sounded completely like Sam to Dean.

‘Often,’ She shrugged, not volunteering any more information.

‘Often? On who.’

‘I’m not going to tell you any more.’

‘Please. We won’t hurt you. Promise.’ Sam said, his comforting voice mixing with Dean’s, ‘I promise I only want coffee’ voice to create a potent mixture. ‘We’ll talk and maybe patch up my eye.’ He smiled and gestured at the blood.

‘I’m not worried you’ll hurt me. You’ll never get back if you do, after all.’ She eyed them both sternly. Dean had to hand it to her, she had a point there. He looked closely at her. She had to have a weakness, everybody did. She had opened the door willingly enough after all. To see her success he realised.

‘You’ll never work out why it worked if you don’t talk to us more.’ Dean tried. ‘Let us patch up Sam’s eye and maybe you’ll figure out why.’

She hesitated for a while but then stood aside and gestured for them to go in. They went past her into a small living room. She fetched a wet towel and Dean took it from her hand. ‘I’ll do it. Sam, sit.’

Sam sat awkwardly on a chair and she hovered behind them. ‘I’m Eileen by the way.’ Dean wasn’t sure that introducing themselves to the crazy lady who caused this was entirely appropriate but Sam muttered, ‘Sam,’ pointing to himself and, ‘Dean,’ pointing at Dean.

‘Only we’re usually the other way around.’ Dean added sarcastically.

‘Why did you want to do this anyway?’ Sam asked her. ‘Where did you learn how?’

Dean couldn’t see her because she stayed behind him as he cleaned Sam’s face. She explained how her family were witches, who practised some dark magic. She had never been very good at it and they’d spurned her. This was one spell she thought would work, would swap her into her younger sister’s body.

‘I’ve always lived in her shadow,’ Eileen said, for the first time sounding forlorn about it. ‘She can do no wrong.’

Dean couldn’t help understanding how that might feel as he cleaned his own soft lips. He paused and took too long cleaning them. He had the softest lips in the entire world. Women were very lucky to get to kiss them, he decided.

Sam smacked his hand away. ‘Dude, I think it’s done. Where did you find the spell, Eileen?’ Sam asked.

‘In a family book. I had to steal the book, I’m not worth of owning it of course.’ Now she sounded bitter and sarcastic. ‘I had to use a talisman so I used this ring of my grandfather’s…’ Eileen went over to the dresser and returned with a book and a gold ring.

Sam and Dean stared at the ring. Dean furrowed Sam’s large brow. ‘Sam, is it me or…’ He snatched the ring from her and she uttered a cry.

‘Give it back.’ Eileen said, holding her hand out to Dean.

‘It’s your ring Dean.’ Sam ignored her and held up his hand; they all looked at the empty finger.

‘Eileen, I have a ring just that like one. That I wear every day,’ Dean glared at Sam, ‘that must be why it worked this time.’ That stopped Eileen’s protests.

‘Where did you get this ring Dean?’ Sam asked, ‘I don’t remember you buying it.’

‘I don’t know, an old shop somewhere. I thought it looked cool. It’s not like, my grandfather’s or anything.’ Dean added unnecessarily to Eileen. He slipped the ring onto one of Sam’s larger fingers.

Sam stood up, slipped the ring off Dean’s finger and looked closely at it. ‘Eileen, we may have to take this ring, to work out how to get back. Is that ok? Do you have a reversal spell at all?’ Dean saw him looking closely at the book, reading the title.

‘No, there is no reversal as far as I know. And you can’t have it. Or the book.’ She eyed them both. ‘Your ring is at your home?’

‘I know you just asked us in to figure out why this worked.’ Dean felt defensive of his ring and bristled. ‘Listen hon. You can follow us home, you can cast a spell, you can call in the friggin Norse Army; I will swallow my ring myself if I have to, but you are not getting your hands on it.’

‘You aren’t having this one either.’

‘I seriously think we need it to reverse this, Eileen.’ Dean said.

‘Eileen, please, let us take it away,’ Sam echoed.

She shook her head. ‘No. I want that one back.’

Sam hesitated over returning it and her eyes darkened. She uttered a few words that Dean couldn’t quite catch and then the ring floated out of Sam’s hands and toward her. She caught it triumphantly. Sam and Dean stared at her, dumbfounded.

‘You aren’t that bad at magic, it seems to me.’ Dean said, finally finding his voice.

‘Okay Eileen. Fine.’ Sam said. ‘No ring. Let’s go Dean.’

Dean muttered expletives and curses in several languages, including a couple he didn’t know he knew, but he turned and followed Sam out. They were outside the door before he continued.

‘We just go? We GO Sam? Leave her to it? Leave her with it?’

‘Who knows what power she has Dean. She floated the damn thing toward her.’

They moved toward the car when a thought struck Dean. ‘Sam, do you suppose I could have floated the ring back to us? I mean… do I have your psychic-ness now?’

Sam shook his head. ‘Dean, I’ve no idea. I don’t know how to control it anyway, so even if you do, I doubt you could have.’

‘At least you’ll be without the visions.’ Dean added quietly, thinking that at least he could take that burden from his brother.

‘Who knows, they’ve probably followed me.’ Sam sighed and they paused next to the car. Sam turned toward Dean, ‘Even if they haven’t Dean, I want my own body back, headaches and all. My degree, everything is tied up in that body, and yours is legally dead. Besides,’ and Sam smiled, obviously trying to lighten the mood, ‘I’m kinda used to it.’

Dean didn’t pursue the subject any further. ‘So what’s the plan then? We can probably find the book elsewhere but we need the ring. My guess is we have to break it.’

‘Breaking it might leave us stuck like this.’ Sam said then added, ‘but yeah, either way we need that ring. We’ll just have to break in later. And if it’s not there, we’re gonna bug her every day, everywhere she goes, for the rest of her days; until she’s so sick of the sight of us, she bequeaths us the damn ring in her will. Or until we find it.’ Sam looked murderously angry, lifting Dean’s jaw into the stubborn expression Sam liked to wear.

They broke in that night, searching as quietly as possible without waking her up. Eileen didn’t have the ring anywhere obvious.

‘She must be sleeping with it.’ Dean said as they exited.

‘She’ll hide it somewhere when she goes out tomorrow,’ Sam sighed. ‘We can’t watch her every second. We’ll have to search for it wherever she goes and might hide it.’

**

‘I don’t see why I have to search her office.’

‘Dean, you got to search her car, while I searched her garbage. You got to search the park, and flirt with the hot single moms while I made a fool of myself in her local walmart. The next on the list are the gym and her office, and I’ll be damned if I spend the day typing while you flirt with the aerobics instructor. Plus you lost the coin toss.’ Sam fiddled with Dean’s tie, until he’d managed to make Dean as dorky as possible. Which wasn’t hard considering he was in Sam’s body, and dorky came pretty easily to the guy.

‘Coins hate me. I still don’t see why I have to go work in the office.’ Dean fiddled exasperatedly with the noose strangling him as soon as Sam let go of it. ‘I know we couldn’t break the lock but…’

‘But what Dean? We nearly tripped the alarm. It’s a high security system with motion sensors and anti tamper wiring; plus four separate locks on the door. It’d take me two days to hack into the computer and override the sensors, and you all night to break the lock. We can do it, but do we have that kind of time? Cause I’ll happily stay in your body the length of time that’ll take.’ Sam was putting some random pieces of paper into a girly looking briefcase as he spoke.

‘Fine, FINE dammit Sam. I’ll go work and search her office. Of course, she’ll be there and she’ll know why I’m there…’

‘It might scare her into handing it over.’ Sam said.

Dean shook his head and gave into having to go to work. ‘Do I really have to do up the top button, Sam? And wear slacks? I hate these slacks. Although,’ Dean stopped to admire his rear view in the mirror. ‘They do make your ass look good.’

‘You’re obsessed with how everyone’s ass looks!’ Sam shook his head exasperatedly as his brother. ‘Though I’m glad you’ve found comfort that mine looks good.’ Sam held the briefcase up to Dean but Dean didn’t take it. ‘Now hurry up and drive us into town.’

‘You’re just loving this.’ Dean grumbled.

‘"Loving it"’s a bit strong; enjoying seeing you squirm, yes.’ If Sam grinned any harder his ears would be in his mouth. Dean didn’t know he even had all those teeth.

‘I bet. Come on then, let’s go.’ Dean sighed, grabbed the dorky briefcase as Sam continued to hold it out, and exited the motel. Sam trotted along behind, his gym bag in hand. ‘That’s another thing. I had to get up at seven, seven, Sam. I don’t like having to see the first one of those in the day. I hope we at least have time to stop for coffee.’

‘Dean,’ Sam began and got in the car. Dean swung himself into the driver’s seat. ‘We’re running late already. You’ll have to wait and grab a cup later.’

‘I don’t know how you expect me to function without coffee.’ Dean drove them along into the city. ‘I can’t do anything without coffee.’ He paused at a crossroads a moment too long to demonstrate how incapable he was without caffeine.

‘You’ll cope.’ Sam said severely. ‘They hired you based on your CV but there’ll be a mini interview first. Don’t blow it. I hope you memorized my CV.’

Dean shrugged in response.

‘Dean! You mean you didn’t? What if they ask you questions?’ Sam would have sounded less horrified if Dean had announced he was solely responsible for global warming.

Sam proceeded to tell Dean all about Sam’s skills, which were of course, lengthy. As if Dean didn’t know what they were already.

‘What’s this company do again Sam, I can’t remember?’ Sam still didn’t realise he was being teased and he fell for it again.

‘Dean. I gave you this information to look at. They’re the administrative and promotional branch of a large manufacturing and retail company, that specialises in paper products for the transportation or storage of items.’ Sam said it automatically, and Dean knew that he’d locked it away into one of the many files that made up his brain.

‘You mean, they sell cardboard boxes.’ Dean said and didn’t wait for Sam to nod his assent. ‘Maybe if they said that they’d sell more.’

‘I’m guessing they sell enough from the size of that security system.’

Dean drew up outside the building and they both exited. Sam gestured down the street. ‘I have to get to the gym. All we need is that ring. And remember your name is Sam, and you have a reputation as a hard worker to keep up.’

‘Sam, I know.’ Dean stretched his arms out uncomfortably against the confines of a suit. Dressed in dark suit jacket, beige slacks and carrying a briefcase, he couldn’t feel less like Dean Winchester, demon hunter. He felt more like Sam Winchester, Chief Nerd.

‘Don’t blow the chat, okay? Good luck.’

‘Who needs luck when you’ve got charm?’ Dean shouted after his disappearing brother. Dean could have sworn Sam flipped him off as he rounded the corner.

The interview was with a middle-aged lady who was putty in Dean’s hands. It did help that Sam’s CV was of course, impressive, and anyone would hire him. Marjorie smiled as she led Dean to the door.

‘This all looks good. Your temp agency said you could start today?’

Dean nodded, smiled Sam’s most angelic smile and Marjorie looked flustered under the strength of it. She led him through to the main office, pointing out the cafeteria, mail room, rest rooms and kitchen. Kitchen was the only part Dean remembered. He was led away from the direction of the precious coffee and into the main office. Dean was amazed that at nine in the morning, nearly all of them were there. All in neatly pressed matching suits, blending one into another. It was like those fields of identical shrubbery that they’d drive past, each the same as the last. He scanned the room looking for Eileen but she wasn’t there yet.

Marjorie led Dean over to a bank of desks where three people were sitting, with one empty space. ‘Sam, this is Tom. You and Dawn and Sophie all report to him.’ Tom was sat underneath a framed poster that read ‘Team - Together Everyone Achieves More,’ and Dean couldn’t help but look disdainfully at him. Dawn and Sophie, he gave a big grin. ‘Log Sam in as Temp One, Dawn, and get him onto the data entry. Sam, I’ll leave you in Dawn’s capable hands.’

Dean bit back a reply of just how capable he thought Dawn’s hands were as Marjorie slid off back to her office. Dawn was a cute brunette wearing a shirt far too tight for her and she sidled over to Dean.

Dawn leant in far too close as she logged Dean onto the computer and brushed her breasts against his arm. Dean lost track of what he was supposed to do with all the figures because Dawn was leaning over him, and he could smell her musky perfume. He looked around and noticed that half of the women were glancing at him like he was a new piece of meat and they were trying to decide who got to have him as their prey. Dean smirked to himself. He should get a few dates out of this, at least.

Silence fell for a while and Dean shuffled the paper around on his desk, suddenly unsure what to do. He wanted to go and get some coffee but was conscious that everybody was sitting at their desks, typing industriously. Dean entertained himself for a few minutes spelling, ‘kill me now,’ out in paperclips on the desk and then jumped when Dawn leaned over the divide. He brushed them hurriedly into a pile.

‘I should show you where the mail room is,’ Dawn said suddenly. ‘You can help me stuff some envelopes while we’re there.’

She winked at Dean and Dean couldn’t follow her fast enough. He knew an invitation when he heard one.

Dean was nonplussed to get to the mail room and have Dawn shove several envelopes and pamphlets in his hand and leave him to it. He searched the room for the ring, fruitlessly, then realised he’d spent so long doing it that he hadn’t entered any of his precious figures and furthermore, hadn’t had any coffee yet. He called Sam.

‘You there yet?’ Sam’s voice rang out loud and clear.

‘Yeah, I’m in. Did you ever doubt it?’ Dean didn’t wait for Sam’s response but rolled right over whatever he tried to say next. ‘I’m bored out of my mind already. And I haven’t had any coffee yet. Eileen’s not here yet. I need to figure out which desk is hers.’

‘She must start late on a Tuesday, or have the day off, cause she’s here, at an aerobics class…’

‘Aerobics? Aw man. Is there stretching? Tell me there’s stretching.’ Dean closed his eyes and tried to imagine the scene. ‘I bet there’s bending too.’ Dean added.

‘There are all kinds of people exercising their bodies Dean, including the woman who got us into this mess. I’ve been avoiding her. I need to get into the girls’ locker room while she’s here to search her bag for the ring.’

‘Sam. Please.’ Dean rolled his eyes at how naïve Sam could be. ‘I knew I should have taken that job. You’ll just have to take one for the team that’s all.’

‘I don’t know what you’re suggesting.’ Sam said, in a tone that said that Sam knew exactly what Dean was suggesting.

‘Go talk to some girls. I’ll call you later.’

Dean had a second snoop around the mail room while he was there, but found nothing. He wandered slowly back into the main room, trying to work out where Eileen might sit. He planned on going to get some coffee when Tom materialised next to him.

‘Sam, you’ve been very absent this morning.’ Tom said in a disapproving tone.

‘I was helping Dawn stuff envelopes in the mail room…’ Dean started, then stopped himself, wondering why he was justifying himself to this dork.

‘I bet you were. Go enter those figures, and watch my phone for a bit.’

Dean opened his mouth to argue but nodded instead. Sam would never let him forget it if he got fired this early. Dean went back to his desk and refused to catch Dawn’s eye. He had a sneaking feeling he’d been had and he didn’t appreciate that. Tom’s phone rang and Dean ignored it.

‘Sam, I think you’re supposed to get that.’ Dawn piped up. Dean sighed and walked round the desk to get it. Perhaps he’d pass the wrong message on. Dean picked up the phone. ‘Hello?’

‘Hello, is Tom there?’

‘Dude, if he were here wouldn’t he have picked it up himself?’ Dean asked. Idiot.

‘There’s no need to take that tone, I was only asking. Can you please tell him Simon called, from… are you writing this down?’

‘You gonna read me the Declaration of Independence? I think I can remember. Simon called, got it, got a number Simon?’

‘I’m in accounts. He has the extension.’ Simon hung up without another word.

‘Simon in accounts.’ Dean scribbled it on a post-it and stuck it in the middle of Tom’s computer screen.

‘Tom likes you to use the message pad.’ Sophie said, approaching behind Dean. She pointed to the pad next to Tom’s phone that Dean had been absently doodling on. Doodling horned demons, it turned out. Dean ripped the page off and threw it away.

‘I’m sure he’ll cope,’ Dean grinned and Sophie smiled flirtatiously back at him before going back to work. Dean returned to his desk and for want of anything better to do for a minute, typed some numbers into the document. Dean’s reflexes were sharp and it turned out his typing was fast. He soon had half the figures entered and was wondering what to do with himself. He looked around him. Everyone had their heads down and were working hard. Dean fidgeted out of his seat and into the kitchen. He would search the kitchen after he’d drunk some friendly coffee. There was some already brewed and Dean drank two mugs in a row, hot and bitter and it tasted like sweet heaven to Dean. He made a third mug to take back to his desk and looked round the kitchen. No ring of course. It was starting to feel like a needle in a haystack. He was about to open the cupboard nearest the door when his phone rang.

‘Okay, how do you do it?’ It was Sam’s voice, impatient and loud over the phone.

‘Do what?’ Dean leaned against the counter and sipped his coffee. ‘Be that handsome and funny? It’s a tough job but somebody has to…’

‘Get girls so easily. I just got slapped by one and blank looks from the others. I… people are serious about working out here.’

Dean laughed. ‘I’d have thought my face would get you straight in the door. So to speak.’ He heard a loud sigh come over the phone. ‘Come on Sam, it’s easy. Widen your eyes at them, bat your eyelashes, women will fall over themselves to get you in that locker room.’

‘I guess.’ Sam sounded despondent. ‘How are you doing?’

‘Better now I’ve had coffee. And Sam, I’m about to die of boredom, how do people…’

Sam hung up on him, cutting him off. Dean went back into the main office and sat back at his desk, sighing as he knocked over the small toys that whoever usually had this desk had arranged on there. People started drifting out for lunch.

‘Coming Sam?’ Sophie asked, and Dean noticed that she was wearing freshly applied lip gloss. For his beneft, he assumed. It took all of Dean’s self control to refuse.

‘I can’t. I’m behind.’

Sophie looked disappointedly at him, but soon Dean was left in the office, alone except for a few remaining lurkers.. He searched under desks and behind cabinets as carefully as possible without drawing any attention to himself. He found only two dollars and a porn magazine. Dean then used searching the cafeteria as an excuse to buy lunch. He ended up with only dust balls and an upset stomach for his troubles.

Dean wandered back to his desk, thinking that he should really get another coffee, when Marjorie came by.

‘Not at lunch Sam? I see your reputation was well-earned.’

Dean smiled back at her.

‘I wasn’t getting on very fast I’m afraid so I wanted to catch up.’

‘I saw Dawn was distracting you. You wanna watch out for that one, she’ll get you to do all her work if she can.’

Dean grinned. ‘I may have fallen for that.’

Marjorie came to examine Dean’s pile of documents.

‘You’ve entered all of these?’ She sounded surprised.

‘Yeah.’ Dean answered. He wasn’t in the mood to give excuses.

‘That’s fantastic, Sam. Honestly, some people spend half the morning on the internet, the other half emailing. They pretend they’re working but they’re not. Really well done.’

Dean kicked himself for not having entertained himself on the internet earlier. He hadn’t even thought about it. Sam would have, Dean was sure. He wasn’t taking on Sam’s persona very well if he hadn’t at least surfed some geekboy research sites. He went to make himself another coffee and there was just enough to fill his mug.

Dean rang Sam while he sipped at his coffee, but it went straight to voicemail. Maybe Sam was finally getting somewhere with the aerobics girls. ‘I hope you are getting it on for the good of the team. Nothing here. At all. Pretending to work is killing me. Slowly and painfully.’

Dean went back to his desk and waited for Sam to call. Dawn was getting told off by Marjorie for ‘distracting Sam’ next to him and Dean tried to make himself as small as possible which was difficult when you were as tall as Sam. He didn’t want to be a tattle tale. Though that was the kind of thing Sam would do, he decided.

An envelope popped up on his screen and Dean went to check his inbox, wondering who it could be from. It was from Tom. Dean opened it out of curiosity.

‘Can you please collect 2 lever arch files, 4 erasers, and a box of paperclips from the stationery cupboard for me. Tom.’

Dean looked up, puzzled. Not only was the cupboard right behind Tom, but Dean could not understand why he would send an email when he was right across from Dean.

‘Dude, the cupboard’s just there, look I can see the erasers from here. You could reach if you tipped your chair back…’ Dean tipped his chair back in demonstration but Tom glowered back at him. ‘Whatever, man.’ Dean waved his hand at Tom and looked round the office. Where might Eileen sit? he wondered to himself.

Dean walked toward the reception area and as he did so he passed the photocopier. A girl from a nearby table was struggling with it.

‘Are you ok?’ Dean asked, flashing her a smile. She was cute.

‘Yeah it’s this damn photocopier. It tells me there’s a jam but I’ve removed all the paper.’

‘Let me see.’ Dean had a quick look and he soon identified the problem. ‘Ah see, this is it, this rotator thing here, isn’t connecting to this one so it thinks there’s paper stopping it, but it’s just missing a connection. Hang on.’ He fished in his pocket and drew out his paperclip. He twisted it and connected the two parts together. ‘You’ll have to get the man out to replace the part but it’ll work for now. And now I feel like a big dweeb explaining photocopiers to you.’ He stood up and flashed his smile. Or rather Sam’s smile, but it seemed to work just as well.

‘Not at all. You look like you’re good with your hands.’ She winked and Dean flexed Sam’s large hands at her.

‘Honey, you’ve no idea.’ Dean began and stopped short when Marjorie came past and frowned at him.

‘What’s going on here?’ She said.

‘Just fixing the photocopier Marjorie.’ Dean smiled. ‘I was explaining to…’

‘Madeleine,’ the girl supplied.

‘To Madeleine, here, that you need a new part. I bet the company keeps replacing one part or another and it’s the bit in between that’s broken, see?’ Marjorie softened at that.

‘Really? They do keep coming and replacing parts. Charge me a service fee every time too.’

‘Then they are ripping you off babe.’ Dean winked at Madeleine as he propelled Marjorie back toward the main reception area. Marjorie had her own office just off it and Dean sat her in it and proceeded to flirt with the receptionist and check the area at the same time. He found nothing except that the receptionist was a Capricorn who could put her feet behind her head.

As he walked back into the office he felt annoyed with himself at his lack of progress. He shook himself. It’s this place. One day and I want to kill myself. He walked back to his desk and sat down with a thud.

‘Sam?’ Sophie leaned over the partition. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Oh, just dandy. I spent the morning typing numbers in columns for Mr Teamwork over there, and all I had for lunch was a horrible sandwich. I’m skipping around for joy.’ He didn’t mean to be quite so sarcastic.

‘I don’t appreciate your…’ Tom began.

‘Yeah what do you appreciate in life, buddy? Just step off okay?’

Dean had checked his own desk earlier but he searched it again, for want of anything better to do. ‘Whose desk is this?’ Dean asked, irritated again by the soft toys that kept being knocked over by Sam’s overlong fingers.

‘It’s Eileen’s.’ Sophie said. ‘She’s got today off, I think. It’s a lot more boring when she isn’t here, but you’re doing a good job of entertaining me.’ She winked at Dean. ‘And you’re the only person I’ve seen drink as much coffee as her.’

‘I’m covering Eileen,’ Dean’s eyebrows disappeared into Sam’s hair. Admittedly they didn’t have far to go. ‘Who’d have thought it. Sat here all day.’ He added quietly to himself.

He searched every inch of Eileen’s desk but the only ring on him was his ring, firmly on his/Sam’s left hand and going nowhere. Dean decided his best course of action was to search everybody’s desks, one by one. They were the only places he had left to check.

Dean picked up his leftover coffee.

‘Tom, I’ve been meaning to ask you.’

‘What Sam?’ Tom asked irritably swinging round in his desk. Out of the corner of his eye Dean could see that Tom was surfing on ebay.

‘It’s about these figures. I don’t understand what you’re going to do with them, will you…’ Dean leaned in and poured his coffee all over Tom’s shirt and over part of his trousers. It gave him great satisfaction to hear Tom yelp and jump up, a neat pool of water making it look like he’d peed his pants. Dean wished the coffee had been hotter.

‘Tom!’ Sophie came round. ‘Tom, you should wash that to get the stain out, let me help.’ She led Tom off toward the bathrooms, and Dean saw her bite her lip to stop herself laughing. He surveyed the table. Just Dawn to get rid of, who was now giving him death stares.

‘Dawn,’ Dean smiled, but he got no further because Dawn walked off to chat to people. At least her ‘no work’ attitude was working in Dean’s favour now. Dean searched all three desks but found nothing. He entertained himself changing Tom’s password to ‘dickwad,’ and glueing Dawn’s drawer shut.

Several people went to the bathroom during the afternoon and Dean searched those as surreptitiously as possible. He was loitering next to a bunch of strong-bladdered, hard-working folks when his cell rang.

‘Yeah?’

‘Dean. She’s not here. The ring’s not here. It’s a bust.’ Sam was whispering into the phone and Dean had to strain to hear him.

‘Got over your inability to charm the ladies then?’

‘Yeah, hang on.’ Sam’s voice came back on at normal volume. ‘I did that thing you do with your lips and they fell for it.’

‘What thing? What thing do I do? Do I know I’m doing it? Should I do it some more?’ Dean turned away from the hard-workers and shouted over his shoulder. ‘What? Like work is more interesting that whatever I’m talking about? Losers.’

‘Dean. Have you been talking to people like that all day?’ Sam sounded despairing.

‘I’ve been sweetness and light.’

‘I bet. And I was kidding, Dean. I mean, I did do the lips, but I still had to lie. I told them my girlfriend was in the hospital and had lost the ring I gave her. They felt very sorry for me, and even helped me look.’ Sam sounded very proud of himself.

‘Dude, you missed a prime opportunity for making out…my body is wasted on you.’ Dean sighed. ‘Sam, it’s not here. I wanna go.’

‘Have you checked everywhere?’

Dean lowered his voice now, wandered away from people back toward the kitchen where the friendly coffee lived. ‘It’s impossible to do that Sam. It’s a huge office. I’ve checked most desks, all general areas. I think we’ve missed something. Maybe it’s on her, permanently. We should go try and charm her panties off.’

‘I can take that bullet if you like, I’m used to your body now…’ Sam joked. ‘Make sure you look everywhere Dean. I’ll meet you outside the office in an hour.’

‘Gotcha.’ Dean hung up and was nearly at the kitchen now. He heard the clack of footsteps behind him and smiled to himself. He turned and saw Sophie following him into the kitchen. ‘Joining me for a bitter brew, Sophie?’

‘Something like that,’ she murmured and moved close to him. He smiled down at her and she held his gaze. Dean leaned in to kiss her slowly on the lips. She didn’t respond at first, as if she was surprised that he was actually kissing her, but he pushed his tongue into her mouth and she moaned and opened her lips wider to accept it. Sam’s lips weren’t as soft as his own but they were full and the sensation of leaning even further down to kiss her, of having her hands pull into Sam’s too long hair… Dean felt like growing bangs himself. He was busy kissing her, long legs enjoying the feel of hers pressed against them when he heard a cough and an, ‘excuse me,’ from behind them.

‘Sorry, I guess we…’ Sophie jumped, glancing over her shoulder. Dean followed her gaze to meet… Eileen’s.

‘Dean. What are you doing here?’

‘You must have him mistaken, this is Sam.’ Sophie said, removing her hand from the back of Dean’s tee and moving away from him, growing pink. Dean saw Eileen’s eyes flick nervously around the kitchen, specifically toward the cupboard where the tea and coffee were kept. Crap, he must have missed something. Sophie had mentioned Eileen drank a lot of coffee…

‘You know why I’m here Eileen. I want that ring.’

‘Sam? You know Eileen?’ Sophie sounded incredulous.

‘It’s not your ring to have Dean.’

‘Why does she keep calling you Dean? What the hell is going on?’

‘That’s what I want to know.’ Bellowed a voice from the door and they all jumped as Tom came in, Marjorie close on his heels. Dean swallowed, this was not going to make it any easier to get the ring. He inched away from Sophie toward Eileen, who merely stuck closer and closer to the cupboard door.

‘Eileen, you only had a half day and you are very late. Get to your desk. Now.’ Tom said. Eileen looked from Tom to Dean and back to Tom. Evidently sizing up what was worth more to her. Dean smiled as insolently as Sam’s face would let him and she slunk off toward her desk in the end.

‘You two as well.’ Tom said. Sophie went out then paused when Dean didn’t follow her.

‘Sam?’

‘I’m going to make a coffee, then I’ll come.’ Dean said.

‘Either get to your desk right now or be fired.’

‘I’m fired then. Now, where’s the coffee?’ Dean rubbed his hands together; was at the cupboard, throwing stuff out of it as fast as he could before security came and no doubt threw him out. He looked for the coffee, shuffling jars and tins out of the way, ignoring Tom’s incredulous cries behind him.

In his peripheral vision he saw Eileen reappear, held back by Tom and the burly security guard who now appeared. Dean had about ten seconds before a fight, or before being lifted out of the building when Sam’s long fingers, thank God, closed over the coffee jar and slid inside. He pushed his hand in and felt the grains run through them, along with a hard metal object. Dean buried the ring in his hand and let himself be pulled out, refusing to catch anyone’s eye.

Sam had arranged Dean’s face into the most outraged expression it had ever seen, as Dean was escorted bodily from the building.

‘You got thrown out Dean, thrown out?’ Sam said, drawling exasperatedly at him.

‘Thrown out with two rings, Sam.’ Dean grinned, holding up Sam’s hands, matching rings now on each one. ‘Eileen will be straight out here though, let’s go.’

They made it into the car as Eileen exited the building.

‘Sam, floor it,’ Dean cried and was thrown against the window as Sam peeled out of the parking lot. Dean looked in the rear view mirror and saw Eileen watching them go, body slouched in defeat.

****

They spent the rest of the night arguing about what to do with the rings, Dean still wearing one on each hand.

‘I can’t believe that we’ve spent days finding the damn thing and now we don’t know what to do with it.’ Sam sighed.

‘What was your plan anyway? I say break it. Break ‘em both if we have to.’

‘I think we need an incantation, but …’

‘But the fifty you found and have tried haven’t worked? The copy of her family book we found was no help. Yeah, I get that. Come on Sam, let’s break ‘em. One of them at least. Hers.’

‘How would we break it even if we wanted to?’ Sam asked, examining the ring closely. ‘We can’t melt it.’

‘Maybe we could snap it somehow,’ Dean said. He fiddled with the bands on it. ‘This middle band moves round, maybe we could pop it out. This one feels looser than mine.’

‘Like a puzzle ring?’ Sam asked. ‘I can’t, I don’t want to break it.’

‘Sam, we’re gonna have to risk it,’ Dean said, twitchy to take action as soon as possible. ‘We at least have to give this a try. What do you suggest? We don’t take the risk and stay like this forever?’

‘Isn’t that better than taking it and maybe being stuck like this forever?’

Dean grimaced and laid back on the bed, head just hanging off the other side. ‘Whatever we do we have to leave town, she’ll come and look for us.’

‘I know.’ Sam sighed. There was silence for a long while.

‘Maybe I can get used to being you. You don’t use your height to your advantage, you know.’ Dean said, still lying down with his eyes on the ceiling.

‘Oh yeah?’ He could feel Sam grinning at him without looking over.

‘Yeah. Or your eyes on women, you could score a lot more than you do.’

‘You could be less horny. I got into that locker room just by being rational. Sometimes it’s about connecting to people Dean.’ Sam retaliated. ‘Though it’s nice not hitting my head all the time.’

Dean sat back up, grinned at Sam and locked eyes with him. Dean saw Sam’s soul shining out and knew as long as they both existed, and were okay, then they could handle anything. Sam opened those full lips to speak and wooomph. Dean felt everything go black and felt all the breath leave his body as if the rollercoaster had just started its descent.

He opened his eyes and was relieved to stare back at Sam, as Sam.

‘Thank God,’ Sam said with feeling and Dean echoed it.

‘Not that it was all bad being you,’ Sam added and Dean smiled. ‘Hey,’ Sam added, ‘you suppose that’s what fixed us, that we both thought that?’

‘Might be,’ Dean admitted. ‘Or it might be that I pulled the middle section out of this ring, one handed.’

He ducked to avoid Sam’s blow when it came.

*****

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