RPS: Pretty Gay, A Love Story
So I started out meaning to write Ranma ½-inspired crackfic in which Jensen turns into a girl and Jared turns into a Grizzly bear, but that's not what this is. Instead, Jensen turns into a girl and Jared thinks it's pretty cool, until it isn't. Alas. The crackfic would've gone something like this: "Hey Jared, do you like my new hooker boots? I got them on sale at Filene's." "Grrrrrr," says Jared, who as a bear, cannot form actually words. "GRRRRR!" "Hmm," says Jensen, "I think that means he likes them!"
…I think we're all glad that didn't get written. Instead, you get this.
Pretty Gay, A Love Story
Fandom: CWRPS
Pairings: Jensen/Chris, Jensen/Jared
Rating: R
Disclaimer: No truth will be found here, inconvenient or otherwise.
Comments: Thanks to everyone who read this beforehand and assured me that it was, in fact, okay to write a genderfuck fic that isn't really on crack. Or at least, not for a fic by me. So, to the Sisterhood of the Some Girls (Dance with Jensen): wendy, anasuede madame_d, notthequiettype, and keepaofthecheez. And a very special thanks to my own personal comma-nator (yeah, I'm clever like that), brynwulf. I hope you enjoyed the vodka! Written, of course, for rps_advent.
At first they think it has something to do with Canada and being so far north, like the air is different up here or something, hence the weirdness. It is Canada, after all, and Jared thinks that Canadians are quite possibly the weirdest people he's ever met. For one, they really like hockey, which Jared just doesn't get. Like, okay, street hockey is one thing, but Canadians are all about ice hockey, on actual ice, and if there's one thing Jared doesn't understand it's the desire to run around with blades strapped to your feet on ice that could give at any moment while other similarly-shod guys try to throw a hard plastic disc at you. With a stick.
So yeah, Canadians are pretty freaky and so at first they think the whole thing is just some weird Canadian plot with Jensen as the unfortunate victim. But then they find out from Mike who heard it from Jason Dohring that Kristin Bell wouldn't come out of her trailer the day before because apparently she had turned into a man between takes. So, you know, it wasn't just Jensen then, or Canada, because Veronica Mars films in San Diego, so. Not that, you know, Jensen turned into a man-it wasn't like, a puberty thing or whatever. Jared couldn't personally attest to Jensen possessing a dick pre-Canadian Plot That Wasn't, but the rumor was, it was a nice one.
Was being the operative word. Because when Jensen comes out of his trailer that day, he's on the verge of tears over his missing dick, but it's really hard for Jared to concentrate on that whole part because first off, Jensen is stacked, and secondly, Jensen is probably one of the prettiest girls Jared has ever seen. Way prettier than, well, anyone he can think of, really, even in his baggy guy jeans and Dean's leather jacket with his nose all snotty and his eyes all red from crying. He's tall, still, but shorter than he was and weirdly delicate, which Jared wasn't expecting. Not that he was especially expecting Jensen to randomly turn into a girl or anything, or he ever, you know, imagined such an occasion while masturbating or having sex with his girlfriend or any of that. Because that would be really weird.
"I'm a girl," Jensen says, and starts crying again. The rest of the cast seems deeply troubled by the entire thing, and Eric just looks resigned while the make up girls-Karen and Jody, or Julie, or something like that-rush forward and hustle Jensen into their trailer, saying something about wardrobe and doing something with his hair, which sort of resembles a long, ragged mop stuck on top of his head and weirdly does not detract from his prettiness, which is pretty undeniable. Jensen was pretty as a guy, and Jared always liked to make fun of him for it, and do long monologues about Jensen's eyelashes and his mouth, which was very red and pouty. It didn't seem weird at the time. But now that Jensen's a girl and he still has the eyelashes and the mouth and everything, but with the added bonus of a fantastic rack, the whole thing seems a little, well. Gay.
Jensen's a girl. Jensen's a very pretty girl, with a killer body. As Jensen's cast mate and friend, Jared decides he should probably like, make sure Jensen's okay, and take care of him and maybe try to figure out, you know, how or why the whole girl changing thing happened. Except, watching Jensen's seriously nice ass get hustled into the wardrobe trailer, Jared finds himself really not caring about the hows and whys. Jensen's a girl. It's pretty awesome.
*
Jensen's a girl, but he still talks and acts like Jensen, which basically means he swears a lot and flirts with every girl he sees, and every guy too, although now Jared can't remember if Jensen flirted with guys when he still had a dick, but he thinks probably yes. He emerges from the wardrobe trailer an hour later wearing a Jo cast-off. It's not even the sluttiest thing they put Alona in, but on Jensen it looks sort of, well, illegal, except in certain areas of Nevada and like, maybe Thailand. Jared's pretty sure that prostitution is still legal in Thailand, but really, Jensen probably would've made more money there as a boy.
Julie or Jodie or Jenny, whatever her name is, practically shoves Jensen out of trailer, and Jared has to admit, Jensen looks even better with his hair all cut and styled and wearing girl clothes and all that. The rack looks even more fabulous when it's not covered by a leather jacket, and his hair is really. Shiny, or something. It looks nice, like if Jared ran his fingers through it, it'd be soft and silky and feel really good on his thighs. Not, you know, that Jared would ever wonder what Jensen's hair would feel like on his thighs because that would be pretty weird. Pretty gay.
"So what the fuck is going on here," is how Jensen greets them as they shuffle into Eric's makeshift office to figure out what the hell they're going to do now.
Eric sighs and rubs the back of his neck and avoids looking at Jensen, who really maybe needs to learn how to sit like a lady, or really not, because all sprawled out like that, Jared can see right up his skirt. Jensen's wearing pink underwear. Jared clears his throat and tries to look away, really he does, but he thinks guy Jensen would totally understand, so he doesn't feel so bad. Jensen once admitted to Jared while extremely drunk how much he likes it when girls' underthings match, so. Jared would bet a hundred bucks right now that Jensen's wearing some sort of frilly pink bra, and. Yeah.
"The good news is, this isn't an isolated incident. It's probably not permanent, and the network is working non-stop to try to figure it out. The bad news is, it's the CW, so who knows how the fuck long that'll take." Eric shrugs. "Um. Sorry?"
"Sorry? That's all you got?! What about the show, man? I mean, we still have three episodes to film before winter hiatus!"
"Um, well. How would you feel about an episode arc where, um, Dean gets cursed by a scorned lover or something? Or. We could put you in a coma. I mean, it worked on Angel, right?"
"I think the word 'worked' should be used really loosely there," Jensen mumbles. Jared can't help but notice that Jensen's voice is a lot higher now. And cute. He sounds cute, for sure, even when he's mumbling and upset and should in no way be cute, and yet he is. But then again, that might be the rack talking.
"Plus like, what kind of scorned lover curses someone into switching genders? That's just retarded," Jared says. "How is that like, equal punishment? Is he supposed to be like, learning and growing as he experiences what it's like for a girl?"
"Uh. Yes?" Eric says. He looks at Jared like he thinks maybe Jared is the one who's retarded. "Anyway, if that's not going to work, we have some room in the schedule. We could go on break now, hope this whole thing, you know, passes over soon, and come back to filming a little earlier than planned."
"I vote the second," Jared says. "I mean, no offense Jensen, but there's no way I can concentrate with him like… that."
"Like what?" Jensen asks, eyes narrowed. He even sounds cute when he's angry now.
"You know. All, girlified, with the. Things, and stuff." Jared makes a sweeping gesture.
"You work with chicks all the time, fucker."
"Yeah, but they're not-" The prettiest girl in the world, comes to mind, who used to be a guy as of three hours ago. Jared stares at the wall above Eric's head and shuts up. There's just nothing good he can say right now that won't make him seem like a misogynist or a pervert. Which, okay, the second is probably pretty valid, but the last thing Jared wants is for Jensen to have that to mock him with when he finally changes back. Jensen still hasn't given up making fun of him for the time he tried to match shots with Chris and ended up puking right on the bar, so.
"Fine, whatever," Jensen says, standing up. "Let's take the break then. Can I go now?"
"Dude, where are you gonna go?" Jared asks.
"Oh, right," says Jensen, and starts crying again. Jared pats him on the back awkwardly, and tries really hard not to notice how smooth the bare skin of Jensen's shoulder is, or the hypnotic way Jensen's, um, girl parts move when he hiccups and takes long gasping breaths when he's trying to calm himself. "Being a girl sucks," he declares.
"We'll get you some fake ID," Eric says, looking like he's not quite sure how that's going to happen. Jared thinks maybe he should call up Lauren and see if she can't work some magic. He's pretty sure she has mob connections, or at the very least, can annoy the right people into doing what she wants just to get her to shut up.
"It'll be okay, Jen," Jared says, and pats him some more.
Jensen just glares at him, all watery with tears. "Don't call me that," he says, jerking away and folding his arms across his chest, which really just makes the rack that much more prominent. It's official-Jared is going to hell. "And stop staring at my fucking tits, you pervert. No wonder Sandy is always cheating on you. You can't hold your liquor, and you're a fucking pig. Christ!"
Jensen as a girl, it turns out, is a total bitch. So, he's still Jensen then. It's sort of comforting.
*
Eric manages to wrangle up some ID by the next day, which is both a minor miracle and a relief. Because Jared never realized it before, probably because there were always other things to do like drinking and picking up chicks and mocking the fangirls and watching porn, but spending every waking moment with Jensen is really really annoying. Especially now that he's a girl, and half their usual available options of things to do disappeared with Jensen's dick.
"Oh, come ON, I could totally pick up more chicks than you, easy," Jensen had said that night at the bar with a sly little smirk that in no way made Jared think about naked lesbians, or how it wouldn't really be lesbians because Jensen's a guy, really, and then Jensen had gone and started dancing with some random chick, like, all over her, and Jared's brain promptly exploded. BOOM, he thought, and vowed never to go out with Girl Jensen again, because obviously he's too retarded to handle even the idea of Jensen, as a girl, being with other girls, and. Yeah. BOOM.
"I still like porn, dude," Jensen had said after Jared dragged him home. "We should just get wasted and watch whatsit, the one with the girls with the huge freakshow tits."
"The one?" Jared said, all sarcastic and casual like this was totally normal, but he just couldn't, because yeah. It was too weird. It was too much like watching porn with Sandy, who always complained about the guys being too hairy or not hot enough or whatever, and then tried to make him watch that crap made by lesbians that's supposed to be good for women. Jared's not sure what makes it so awesome for chicks, but it definitely sucks for guys. Way too much kissing, pretty much no penetration, and the girls aren't even hot. Because like, for serious? There's only so much nipple-licking a guy can watch before even breasts start to get really boring. It's like when you say the same word over and over again until it stops meaning anything. Except with sex.
But anyway, the point is, that after one day, Jared's pretty much had enough of the whole Jensen being a girl thing. Jensen's much nicer to look at now, when Jared can forget the whole part where he's still Jensen under the great rack and the blowjob mouth, but he's fucking annoying and smug and always thinks he's right, which as a girl is a lot less cute than it is when he's a guy. Plus, now when Jensen goes off on one of his 'I'm so great' rants, Jared can't wrestle him to the floor and shove his face in the carpet until he stops being such an ass.
Well, he could, but it probably wouldn't go over very well, and he might accidentally break Jensen. He's all delicate now and shit. It really. It just kind of sucks.
Eric hands over the fake passport and tells Jared that it's his job to keep an eye on Jensen in LA, whatever that's supposed to mean. Jensen's a grown man. Woman. Person. Whatever. He's grown, and he doesn't need Jared around all the time watching out for him like he's some kind of dumb kid. Except that on the plane back to LA, Jensen nearly gets in two fights with guys he's sure are trying to "check out the merchandise, those perverted fuckers" and then tries to proposition the stewardess with a lewd smile and some meaningful nodding toward the toilets. So pretty typical Jensen behavior, really, but girl Jensen is a lot smaller and weaker than the real Jensen, and apparently the ladies aren't as interested.
To make up for the whole not having his first lesbian experience on an airplane disappointment, Jensen orders a drink, and then another, makes Jared pay ("Because dude, my credit cards are totally in a guy's name, and that would be fucking weird," to which Jared manfully resists the temptation to point out that 'Jensen' isn't exactly a masculine name to begin with), and gets immediately drunk.
It's not until Jared is helping a giggling, drunken Jensen off the plane and trying to find baggage claim that he gets a good look at Jensen's new passport.
"Dude. Bambi Snow? That's fucking. Awesome, is what it is. Bambi? It's like a porn name, dude. Hey, maybe Jenna can hook you up."
"I hate you," Jensen declares. They stop in front of their carousel and wait while the siren goes off and their flight's luggage comes tumbling around. Not that Jensen should really have luggage because of the whole girl thing, but he still managed to pack two full bags. Jared's sort of scared of what's in them.
"I hate you," Jensen says again, giggling to himself. "Hey. Hey maybe Sandy can like, hook me up with Maxim. I can get my own covered-in-oil spread, it'll be awesome."
*
Jensen somehow ends up staying in Jared's guest bedroom, even though he has an apartment of his own and doesn't really need Jared around after all. Sandy takes Jensen shopping with Jared's credit card except that Jared's not even clear on whether or not they're still dating or what, and Jensen comes back looking like a taller, thinner, sluttier version of Sandy, which does absolute nothing to help with the whole part where Jared would like to stop lusting after Jensen's new body. It would maybe help if he and Sandy were still sleeping together, but she always finds something to do or has an early audition or needs to study lines, so they aren't. They don't.
It pretty much sucks all around, especially with Jensen there, lounging in his little skirts and dresses and baby doll t-shirts with band logos on them. Bands that Jared is pretty sure Jensen's never even listened to before. He might not even know they're bands. After the first week of awkwardness, they settle into a sort of routine. Jensen still likes video games ("I didn't get a brain transplant, you moron," Jensen tells him, "so let's play some fucking Xbox already.") and drinking cheap beer and driving Jared's car way too fast, but he does it all in thigh high hooker boots now, and complains about the blisters on his feet and how much it sucks being a girl.
He drags Jared out to see Steve perform, and Chris is there, and of course he recognizes Jensen. The whole situation sort of freaks Jared out because, well, Jensen's a fucking girl, and it's pretty freaky in and of itself, but Chris just laughs and gives Jensen a hug and whistles admiringly at the Rack.
"Niiiiice," Chris says, all long and drawn out and, Jared thinks, completely pervertedly rude, and Jensen blushes, which sort of makes Jared want to hit Chris. Or Jensen. "It's a goddamn shame that no one turned out quite so pretty when this happened on Angel."
"Dude, Charisma turned into a guy? She was in a coma for a long fucking time. Please don't tell me it lasts that long." Jensen looks secretly pleased, and not like he wants to smack Chris the way he's always threatening Jared.
"No, dude, that was coke. It was Amy Acker, man. She made a terrifying dude. It's amazing what make up and lighting can do, though. Allyria, please. You thought that was a real plot line?"
"I totally made out with her when she was on the show," Jensen says smugly, tilting his head to the side and sticking one hip out, like he's considering something really important. "She was only okay." Chris looks amused and charmed. When they sit down at a table up front near the stage, Chris orders Jensen's drink for him and rests his arm across the back of Jensen's chair. Jensen just smiles wide, and Jared knows where this is going. It can't be good. Like, in any way imaginable.
And the thing is, it's not like Jared's jealous or something, because he isn't. It's just a really bad idea. Jared hasn't even been looking lately. Jared's been decidedly not looking, and mostly hiding in his bedroom, and sometimes now when he sees Jensen, it's like he's not even Jensen anymore, just some chick in his house spreading her bath shit all over his shower and burning vanilla-scented candles and watching like, the Home and Garden network. Jensen keeps claiming that he hasn't changed, it's just a different body or whatever, but Jared is pretty sure that Jensen never watched Trading Spaces before, or if he did, he hid it really well, which really was so much better. If Jared has to watch another hour of Hilde gluing horrible crap to some poor, innocent person's wall, he might break something.
But Jensen, he's been in love with Chris since like, forever, even if he would never admit it out loud, and now he's a girl, and this just is not good. In fact, it's so not good it's bad, but Jensen's an adult or whatever. If he wants to flirt with Chris and maybe give his girl body a test run and get his heart broken when Chris decides he's not gay, that's his business. Jared'll just be over here, not caring.
And really, he thinks as he watches them flirt while Steve sets up, watches them drink and touch and trade stories back and forth like old times except not because of all the fuck me looks they're exchanging, really he just. This just sucks all around. He misses Jensen.
*
Another week goes by, and Chris is at Jared's all the fucking time now, which makes no sense since Jensen doesn't even really live here, he's not even paying rent, for fuck's sake, and Chris has his own place they could go to. But they don't. They spend long, noisy hours in Jared's guest bedroom fucking, sounding like porn, which pretty effectively ruins porn for Jared and makes the lesbian-directed stuff even worse, not that Sandy has been around enough to make him watch it, but he bets that it'd be bad. He probably wouldn't get hard, even.
Now Jensen wears Chris's button-up plaid shirts around with those annoying boys underwear for girls that are so popular for no reason that Jared can see, and the shirts are too big and slip down his shoulders and it's all very Desperate Housewives. Jensen and Chris snuggle on Jared's couch all the time and Chris makes fun of Hilde and calls Jensen 'Jenny,' like he's a real girl or something, and Jensen doesn't smack him or even look annoyed. He looks happy, and comfortable, and Jared has to leave the room because he suddenly feels nauseous.
*
Jared hardly sees Jensen anymore, mainly because he's been hiding in his room or at Chad's, and it's sort of a relief, but it still sucks, too. He still misses Jensen, so when Chris has to fly to Nashville for a week to record, Jared tries to spend some time with him. They go out to the city courts and play one-on-one, but it's pretty ridiculous. Jared is too tall and Jensen sucks at basketball now. Like, he can't even do a lay up anymore, and lets Jared get all the rebounds. Everything sucks. They eat dinner and Jensen looks prettily bored. They play video games, but Jensen hates the new ProSkater and gives up pretty quickly.
Jared thinks the real Jensen would never do that, and wonders when he started thinking of this Jensen as fake. Probably around the same time the rack seemed less like a novelty and Jensen started fucking Chris. Someday you'll be a real boy, Jared thinks to himself, and goes over to Chad's to hide.
*
"Dude," Chad says to him, "you have to like, fucking get over this shit already. I mean, he's. She's. It's still Jensen."
"Except he's not. I mean. The stuff with Chris is pretty fucking weird. We don't have anything to talk about now. He wears like, these little dresses that make him look like jail bait trailer trash or something. It's just all. Fucking weird, okay?"
"I get it. It's weird. He's a girl, so yeah, that's weird." Chad looks annoyed, but whatever. Jared gets to complain, okay? No one on Chad's set randomly grew tits.
"He wasn't gay before. I mean, okay. It's not like I have a. You know I don't care, about people being. Gay and stuff. It's just. I'm pretty sure he was straight. He was straight, right?"
"I dunno, dude. He seemed pretty gay to me. Not like, Liberace, going to a leather bar call me daddy gay. But, you know. Pretty queer. He was always all particular about his hair."
"Yeah. But he didn't watch like, fucking Oprah before."
"Hey, Oprah is stimulating social commentary, man. Don't diss the O. She had Nicole Richie on last week to talk about eating disorders and the emotional trauma of associating with Paris. They should've had me on, man, I totally have stories. Plus, I'd get to meet Oprah, and maybe she'd give me a car, or an African village."
"Fuck you, dude. You're not helping."
Chad just shrugs. "It's me, Chad, remember? Since when do I help?"
Really, that's a pretty good point, but it only makes Jared miss Jensen even more. The best mirror is an old friend. Jared saw that on a bumper sticker once, so it must be true.
*
And then Chris comes back, and it's the return of the unnecessarily noisy sex. Jared tries to watch all the Battlestar Galactica that he missed while they were filming, but he only started watching because Jensen sat him down last Christmas and forced him to. It's hard to watch without Jensen because Jensen always knows what's going on and has all these theories, like that Adama is really a cylon, or the cylons represent the conservative right, but sometimes the fundamentalist Muslims. It makes sense when Jensen explains it, but when Jared tries to watch it alone it's just this unrelentingly depressing show and people keep fucking up and he doesn't get it. Eventually, he gives up.
He goes to Chad's and watches the reruns of Heroes instead, which SciFi shows about every five minutes. It's a show Jared gets, even if the whole 'Save the Cheerleader' tagline starts to really annoy him after the first couple episodes, especially when no one seems all that intent on saving her, and she's fucking invincible anyway, so. He comes home one day about a month after the whole Chris and Jensen thing started and finds Jensen huddled on the couch, wearing sweatpants and a thermal t-shirt and crying into a mug.
"Um," Jared says. He drops his bag onto the floor next to the coat rack and shoves his hands into his pockets. Jensen cries some more. "What's. What's going on?"
"Nothing," Jensen sniffs, fingers white around the mug. With his knees tucked up against his chest and his hair pulled back into a messy ponytail, he looks almost like the real Jensen. Almost.
"That's like. Obviously not true, man," Jared points out, then winces. Jensen isn't sensitive about pronouns anymore, but it still makes Jared feel weird. He never thinks of Jensen as 'her' or 'she' or whatever.
"What do you care? You don't even like me now." Jensen turns watery eyes on him, and Jared feels immediately guilty because, well, he's sort of right. If Jared wanted another girlfriend he never has sex with, well. He wouldn't, because one is enough, seriously, but that's pretty much what Jensen has become, and yeah, Jared doesn't like it, exactly. It pretty much sucks.
Jared sits down on the opposite end of the couch. "That's not true," he says finally. Jensen's only sort of right, really. Jared still likes Jensen, just, you know, the real Jensen, not this girl who ruins porn and doesn't like ProSkater and can't play ball and says shit like, "Just a salad for me, I'm watching my weight." Jared wonders briefly if that means he's incapable of being friends with girls, but decides he doesn't care. Jensen's not a girl, not really. So it's like, moot, or whatever.
"Come on," Jared says finally, because there's only so long he can take Jensen looking quite so pathetic. "Just. We're friends. We are. You're like my bro-person. Um. You know what I mean." He waves a hand around nervously. "What's going on?"
"Chris broke up with me," Jensen says, and starts crying again. He still looks pretty when he cries, but Jared's getting pretty good at ignoring the whole prettiest girl in the world thing now, so.
"Oh," Jared tries to sound surprised or disappointed or something, even though he totally knew it would happen and what he's really thinking is, Thank god, maybe now I can watch porn again. "Um. What happened?"
"He. He just said he had time to think when he was in Nashville, and. You know. That I would turn back and he's not gay, so."
"He's an asshole," Jared says firmly, which is apparently the right thing to say, because Jensen gives him a sad smile. But it's still a smile.
"Yeah. But we knew that already."
*
Things get better, after that, but they sort of stay the same, too. It turns out that Jensen still likes Battlestar, and Jared gets to rewatch all the episodes with Jensen's commentary, so that it makes sense again. He even stops hating Gaius after Jensen explains about how it's all like, some sort of Freudian metaphor or whatever. They take the dogs on long runs and throw sticks for them in the park near Jared's apartment, and sometimes they bring a football and just toss it back and forth. Jensen can still throw, mostly, and he likes to joke that the rack makes him a way better receiver because of the extra cushioning or something, even though Jared thinks they probably just get in the way.
Jensen stops wearing the scary boots and tiny dresses. He just wears jeans and t-shirts and sometimes a baseball cap with his hair pulled through the back fastening, which makes him look more like himself and less like a scary Barbie version of Jensen. They go out sometimes, but just to like, the movies or grocery shopping or whatever, and it's definitely better, but.
But it still kind of sucks, and Jared still really misses Jensen.
*
It happens one night when they're watching a movie from Netflix that Jared's only sort of following, because there are subtitles and he sort of hates trying to read and watch a movie at the same time, but saying that will make him seem dumb, so he entertains himself by thinking up different ways to make fun of Jensen when he comes back. Probably he'll have to mention the hooker boots even though, in retrospect, Jared sort of liked them, and definitely the strawberry-scented shower gel that makes the bathroom smell like an entire whorehouse threw up their daiquiris in it.
He's just trying to think of what clever and witty turn of phrase he'll use regarding Jensen's unhealthy love of shaving his legs when it happens. And by 'it' Jared means 'Jensen,' and by 'happens' he means 'crawls into Jared's lap and tries to freak him.' Well, sort of.
What actually happens is, Jensen says, "Hey," all slow, like he's drunk, even though they're just having diet soda tonight because "dude, the calories in beer are killing me." He says, "Hey," and sidles up beside Jared, and when that fails to illicit a reaction, he swings one leg over Jared's so he's like, all straddling Jared, and it's really fucking trippy and fucked up in too many ways to count. Jared kind of wants to run away, except that he's at his house, so that might make things even more fucked up.
"Jared," Jensen says all low and breathy, and kisses him.
And it's. Weird. Sort of bad weird, actually, because when he imagined kissing Jensen for the first time (not that he does that a lot, except, you know, lately, because he misses him and he still can't get his porn on and well, Jensen's a pretty hot guy, so), he didn't think Jensen would have breasts. And like, yeah, they're nice breasts, and if they were on, say, someone else who didn't used to be his friend or a guy, he might even want to touch them and stuff, but really. It's just weird. It feels weird. Wrong or something.
"Jensen. Stop. I-"
"Come ON, Jared. I'm fucking horny, okay? I know you want to so just-"
"No," Jared says firmly, and pushes Jensen off his lap. Not like hard, or whatever, and he doesn't stand up and drop Jensen onto the floor like he really wants to because now he's feeling really freaked out, but Jensen gets that look on his face anyway. The one that's all, like Jared drop kicked his puppy out the window of a really tall building or something. "Not. Not like this, okay?"
The qualifier doesn't seem to help. Now Jensen just looks confused as to why Jared is drop kicking puppies, and really, this whole metaphor is just making him feel like a really bad person-the kind that ends up forming a cult and leading hundreds of people to a silent, cherry-flavored kool aid death. He's turning down sex. Sex with a beautiful… person, thing, whatever… because, why? Because he's not Jensen. He's like, pod girl Jensen, who probably won't even want to do him anymore once he turns back, even if Chad does think Jensen was pretty gay to start with. But Chad is wrong like, a lot, so. So, whatever. He just. He needs to leave.
"I have to go," he says abruptly, and walks out the door without looking at Jensen. It's easier that way.
*
Jared goes to Chad's, who comforts him with enough weed to get all of Mexico high, and when he walks into his apartment the next morning at ass o'clock feeling like total shit with no idea how to fix this, Jensen is sitting on the couch playing ProSkater, his tongue poking out of the side of his mouth in concentration.
Jensen is sitting on the couch. The real Jensen, and he's all scruffy and, you know, manly looking of the not having breasts variety. He still has the ridiculous eyelashes and the cocksucker's mouth, but it's definitely Jensen. Jared wonders if Jensen's legs are still shaved, or how that works with the whole body transformation thing because his hair is back to normal and all, but thinking about it sort of makes his brain hurt and his dick twitch happily, which is confusing enough on its own. But it's good, because it's Jensen. Jared maybe wants to kiss him, he's so happy. Or just because. Because it's Jensen, and he missed him, and yeah.
He drops his bag in the front hallway instead, says, "Dude. You're back." He's smiling wide and silly. He can't help it.
"Never left," Jensen grunts, then swears at the game before tossing his controller on the carpet.
"The bathroom smelled like a whorehouse, and you couldn't play basketball and I haven't been able to watch porn in like, months, and-"
"Dude, can we like, mock me later? I didn't ask to turn into a frigging girl, you know. Now get your ass over here and kiss me, you pussy."
Jared does. He doesn't pause to think about like, the ramifications of kissing his co-star who just turned back into a guy after being a woman for two months and thirteen days. Sometimes thinking is bad, really. So he just does, and Jensen's a good kisser, which is something his totally freaked the fuck out mind didn't manage to notice the night before. Like, really good. Aggressive. His cocksucker's mouth is good for kissing too, and his tongue is all perfect hot sliding against Jared's teeth and licking inside his mouth, and yeah. It's pretty fucking fine, is what it is. Awesome.
"You," Jared says, all breathless. He has his hands in Jensen's hair, and it's just as soft as it looked and the short hairs scrape against his palms just so. Nice. "I really fucking missed you, man."
Jensen rolls his eyes. Grins, and kisses him again. "Jared, man," he mumbles between kisses. "You're such a fucking girl."
…I think we're all glad that didn't get written. Instead, you get this.
Pretty Gay, A Love Story
Fandom: CWRPS
Pairings: Jensen/Chris, Jensen/Jared
Rating: R
Disclaimer: No truth will be found here, inconvenient or otherwise.
Comments: Thanks to everyone who read this beforehand and assured me that it was, in fact, okay to write a genderfuck fic that isn't really on crack. Or at least, not for a fic by me. So, to the Sisterhood of the Some Girls (Dance with Jensen): wendy, anasuede madame_d, notthequiettype, and keepaofthecheez. And a very special thanks to my own personal comma-nator (yeah, I'm clever like that), brynwulf. I hope you enjoyed the vodka! Written, of course, for rps_advent.
At first they think it has something to do with Canada and being so far north, like the air is different up here or something, hence the weirdness. It is Canada, after all, and Jared thinks that Canadians are quite possibly the weirdest people he's ever met. For one, they really like hockey, which Jared just doesn't get. Like, okay, street hockey is one thing, but Canadians are all about ice hockey, on actual ice, and if there's one thing Jared doesn't understand it's the desire to run around with blades strapped to your feet on ice that could give at any moment while other similarly-shod guys try to throw a hard plastic disc at you. With a stick.
So yeah, Canadians are pretty freaky and so at first they think the whole thing is just some weird Canadian plot with Jensen as the unfortunate victim. But then they find out from Mike who heard it from Jason Dohring that Kristin Bell wouldn't come out of her trailer the day before because apparently she had turned into a man between takes. So, you know, it wasn't just Jensen then, or Canada, because Veronica Mars films in San Diego, so. Not that, you know, Jensen turned into a man-it wasn't like, a puberty thing or whatever. Jared couldn't personally attest to Jensen possessing a dick pre-Canadian Plot That Wasn't, but the rumor was, it was a nice one.
Was being the operative word. Because when Jensen comes out of his trailer that day, he's on the verge of tears over his missing dick, but it's really hard for Jared to concentrate on that whole part because first off, Jensen is stacked, and secondly, Jensen is probably one of the prettiest girls Jared has ever seen. Way prettier than, well, anyone he can think of, really, even in his baggy guy jeans and Dean's leather jacket with his nose all snotty and his eyes all red from crying. He's tall, still, but shorter than he was and weirdly delicate, which Jared wasn't expecting. Not that he was especially expecting Jensen to randomly turn into a girl or anything, or he ever, you know, imagined such an occasion while masturbating or having sex with his girlfriend or any of that. Because that would be really weird.
"I'm a girl," Jensen says, and starts crying again. The rest of the cast seems deeply troubled by the entire thing, and Eric just looks resigned while the make up girls-Karen and Jody, or Julie, or something like that-rush forward and hustle Jensen into their trailer, saying something about wardrobe and doing something with his hair, which sort of resembles a long, ragged mop stuck on top of his head and weirdly does not detract from his prettiness, which is pretty undeniable. Jensen was pretty as a guy, and Jared always liked to make fun of him for it, and do long monologues about Jensen's eyelashes and his mouth, which was very red and pouty. It didn't seem weird at the time. But now that Jensen's a girl and he still has the eyelashes and the mouth and everything, but with the added bonus of a fantastic rack, the whole thing seems a little, well. Gay.
Jensen's a girl. Jensen's a very pretty girl, with a killer body. As Jensen's cast mate and friend, Jared decides he should probably like, make sure Jensen's okay, and take care of him and maybe try to figure out, you know, how or why the whole girl changing thing happened. Except, watching Jensen's seriously nice ass get hustled into the wardrobe trailer, Jared finds himself really not caring about the hows and whys. Jensen's a girl. It's pretty awesome.
*
Jensen's a girl, but he still talks and acts like Jensen, which basically means he swears a lot and flirts with every girl he sees, and every guy too, although now Jared can't remember if Jensen flirted with guys when he still had a dick, but he thinks probably yes. He emerges from the wardrobe trailer an hour later wearing a Jo cast-off. It's not even the sluttiest thing they put Alona in, but on Jensen it looks sort of, well, illegal, except in certain areas of Nevada and like, maybe Thailand. Jared's pretty sure that prostitution is still legal in Thailand, but really, Jensen probably would've made more money there as a boy.
Julie or Jodie or Jenny, whatever her name is, practically shoves Jensen out of trailer, and Jared has to admit, Jensen looks even better with his hair all cut and styled and wearing girl clothes and all that. The rack looks even more fabulous when it's not covered by a leather jacket, and his hair is really. Shiny, or something. It looks nice, like if Jared ran his fingers through it, it'd be soft and silky and feel really good on his thighs. Not, you know, that Jared would ever wonder what Jensen's hair would feel like on his thighs because that would be pretty weird. Pretty gay.
"So what the fuck is going on here," is how Jensen greets them as they shuffle into Eric's makeshift office to figure out what the hell they're going to do now.
Eric sighs and rubs the back of his neck and avoids looking at Jensen, who really maybe needs to learn how to sit like a lady, or really not, because all sprawled out like that, Jared can see right up his skirt. Jensen's wearing pink underwear. Jared clears his throat and tries to look away, really he does, but he thinks guy Jensen would totally understand, so he doesn't feel so bad. Jensen once admitted to Jared while extremely drunk how much he likes it when girls' underthings match, so. Jared would bet a hundred bucks right now that Jensen's wearing some sort of frilly pink bra, and. Yeah.
"The good news is, this isn't an isolated incident. It's probably not permanent, and the network is working non-stop to try to figure it out. The bad news is, it's the CW, so who knows how the fuck long that'll take." Eric shrugs. "Um. Sorry?"
"Sorry? That's all you got?! What about the show, man? I mean, we still have three episodes to film before winter hiatus!"
"Um, well. How would you feel about an episode arc where, um, Dean gets cursed by a scorned lover or something? Or. We could put you in a coma. I mean, it worked on Angel, right?"
"I think the word 'worked' should be used really loosely there," Jensen mumbles. Jared can't help but notice that Jensen's voice is a lot higher now. And cute. He sounds cute, for sure, even when he's mumbling and upset and should in no way be cute, and yet he is. But then again, that might be the rack talking.
"Plus like, what kind of scorned lover curses someone into switching genders? That's just retarded," Jared says. "How is that like, equal punishment? Is he supposed to be like, learning and growing as he experiences what it's like for a girl?"
"Uh. Yes?" Eric says. He looks at Jared like he thinks maybe Jared is the one who's retarded. "Anyway, if that's not going to work, we have some room in the schedule. We could go on break now, hope this whole thing, you know, passes over soon, and come back to filming a little earlier than planned."
"I vote the second," Jared says. "I mean, no offense Jensen, but there's no way I can concentrate with him like… that."
"Like what?" Jensen asks, eyes narrowed. He even sounds cute when he's angry now.
"You know. All, girlified, with the. Things, and stuff." Jared makes a sweeping gesture.
"You work with chicks all the time, fucker."
"Yeah, but they're not-" The prettiest girl in the world, comes to mind, who used to be a guy as of three hours ago. Jared stares at the wall above Eric's head and shuts up. There's just nothing good he can say right now that won't make him seem like a misogynist or a pervert. Which, okay, the second is probably pretty valid, but the last thing Jared wants is for Jensen to have that to mock him with when he finally changes back. Jensen still hasn't given up making fun of him for the time he tried to match shots with Chris and ended up puking right on the bar, so.
"Fine, whatever," Jensen says, standing up. "Let's take the break then. Can I go now?"
"Dude, where are you gonna go?" Jared asks.
"Oh, right," says Jensen, and starts crying again. Jared pats him on the back awkwardly, and tries really hard not to notice how smooth the bare skin of Jensen's shoulder is, or the hypnotic way Jensen's, um, girl parts move when he hiccups and takes long gasping breaths when he's trying to calm himself. "Being a girl sucks," he declares.
"We'll get you some fake ID," Eric says, looking like he's not quite sure how that's going to happen. Jared thinks maybe he should call up Lauren and see if she can't work some magic. He's pretty sure she has mob connections, or at the very least, can annoy the right people into doing what she wants just to get her to shut up.
"It'll be okay, Jen," Jared says, and pats him some more.
Jensen just glares at him, all watery with tears. "Don't call me that," he says, jerking away and folding his arms across his chest, which really just makes the rack that much more prominent. It's official-Jared is going to hell. "And stop staring at my fucking tits, you pervert. No wonder Sandy is always cheating on you. You can't hold your liquor, and you're a fucking pig. Christ!"
Jensen as a girl, it turns out, is a total bitch. So, he's still Jensen then. It's sort of comforting.
*
Eric manages to wrangle up some ID by the next day, which is both a minor miracle and a relief. Because Jared never realized it before, probably because there were always other things to do like drinking and picking up chicks and mocking the fangirls and watching porn, but spending every waking moment with Jensen is really really annoying. Especially now that he's a girl, and half their usual available options of things to do disappeared with Jensen's dick.
"Oh, come ON, I could totally pick up more chicks than you, easy," Jensen had said that night at the bar with a sly little smirk that in no way made Jared think about naked lesbians, or how it wouldn't really be lesbians because Jensen's a guy, really, and then Jensen had gone and started dancing with some random chick, like, all over her, and Jared's brain promptly exploded. BOOM, he thought, and vowed never to go out with Girl Jensen again, because obviously he's too retarded to handle even the idea of Jensen, as a girl, being with other girls, and. Yeah. BOOM.
"I still like porn, dude," Jensen had said after Jared dragged him home. "We should just get wasted and watch whatsit, the one with the girls with the huge freakshow tits."
"The one?" Jared said, all sarcastic and casual like this was totally normal, but he just couldn't, because yeah. It was too weird. It was too much like watching porn with Sandy, who always complained about the guys being too hairy or not hot enough or whatever, and then tried to make him watch that crap made by lesbians that's supposed to be good for women. Jared's not sure what makes it so awesome for chicks, but it definitely sucks for guys. Way too much kissing, pretty much no penetration, and the girls aren't even hot. Because like, for serious? There's only so much nipple-licking a guy can watch before even breasts start to get really boring. It's like when you say the same word over and over again until it stops meaning anything. Except with sex.
But anyway, the point is, that after one day, Jared's pretty much had enough of the whole Jensen being a girl thing. Jensen's much nicer to look at now, when Jared can forget the whole part where he's still Jensen under the great rack and the blowjob mouth, but he's fucking annoying and smug and always thinks he's right, which as a girl is a lot less cute than it is when he's a guy. Plus, now when Jensen goes off on one of his 'I'm so great' rants, Jared can't wrestle him to the floor and shove his face in the carpet until he stops being such an ass.
Well, he could, but it probably wouldn't go over very well, and he might accidentally break Jensen. He's all delicate now and shit. It really. It just kind of sucks.
Eric hands over the fake passport and tells Jared that it's his job to keep an eye on Jensen in LA, whatever that's supposed to mean. Jensen's a grown man. Woman. Person. Whatever. He's grown, and he doesn't need Jared around all the time watching out for him like he's some kind of dumb kid. Except that on the plane back to LA, Jensen nearly gets in two fights with guys he's sure are trying to "check out the merchandise, those perverted fuckers" and then tries to proposition the stewardess with a lewd smile and some meaningful nodding toward the toilets. So pretty typical Jensen behavior, really, but girl Jensen is a lot smaller and weaker than the real Jensen, and apparently the ladies aren't as interested.
To make up for the whole not having his first lesbian experience on an airplane disappointment, Jensen orders a drink, and then another, makes Jared pay ("Because dude, my credit cards are totally in a guy's name, and that would be fucking weird," to which Jared manfully resists the temptation to point out that 'Jensen' isn't exactly a masculine name to begin with), and gets immediately drunk.
It's not until Jared is helping a giggling, drunken Jensen off the plane and trying to find baggage claim that he gets a good look at Jensen's new passport.
"Dude. Bambi Snow? That's fucking. Awesome, is what it is. Bambi? It's like a porn name, dude. Hey, maybe Jenna can hook you up."
"I hate you," Jensen declares. They stop in front of their carousel and wait while the siren goes off and their flight's luggage comes tumbling around. Not that Jensen should really have luggage because of the whole girl thing, but he still managed to pack two full bags. Jared's sort of scared of what's in them.
"I hate you," Jensen says again, giggling to himself. "Hey. Hey maybe Sandy can like, hook me up with Maxim. I can get my own covered-in-oil spread, it'll be awesome."
*
Jensen somehow ends up staying in Jared's guest bedroom, even though he has an apartment of his own and doesn't really need Jared around after all. Sandy takes Jensen shopping with Jared's credit card except that Jared's not even clear on whether or not they're still dating or what, and Jensen comes back looking like a taller, thinner, sluttier version of Sandy, which does absolute nothing to help with the whole part where Jared would like to stop lusting after Jensen's new body. It would maybe help if he and Sandy were still sleeping together, but she always finds something to do or has an early audition or needs to study lines, so they aren't. They don't.
It pretty much sucks all around, especially with Jensen there, lounging in his little skirts and dresses and baby doll t-shirts with band logos on them. Bands that Jared is pretty sure Jensen's never even listened to before. He might not even know they're bands. After the first week of awkwardness, they settle into a sort of routine. Jensen still likes video games ("I didn't get a brain transplant, you moron," Jensen tells him, "so let's play some fucking Xbox already.") and drinking cheap beer and driving Jared's car way too fast, but he does it all in thigh high hooker boots now, and complains about the blisters on his feet and how much it sucks being a girl.
He drags Jared out to see Steve perform, and Chris is there, and of course he recognizes Jensen. The whole situation sort of freaks Jared out because, well, Jensen's a fucking girl, and it's pretty freaky in and of itself, but Chris just laughs and gives Jensen a hug and whistles admiringly at the Rack.
"Niiiiice," Chris says, all long and drawn out and, Jared thinks, completely pervertedly rude, and Jensen blushes, which sort of makes Jared want to hit Chris. Or Jensen. "It's a goddamn shame that no one turned out quite so pretty when this happened on Angel."
"Dude, Charisma turned into a guy? She was in a coma for a long fucking time. Please don't tell me it lasts that long." Jensen looks secretly pleased, and not like he wants to smack Chris the way he's always threatening Jared.
"No, dude, that was coke. It was Amy Acker, man. She made a terrifying dude. It's amazing what make up and lighting can do, though. Allyria, please. You thought that was a real plot line?"
"I totally made out with her when she was on the show," Jensen says smugly, tilting his head to the side and sticking one hip out, like he's considering something really important. "She was only okay." Chris looks amused and charmed. When they sit down at a table up front near the stage, Chris orders Jensen's drink for him and rests his arm across the back of Jensen's chair. Jensen just smiles wide, and Jared knows where this is going. It can't be good. Like, in any way imaginable.
And the thing is, it's not like Jared's jealous or something, because he isn't. It's just a really bad idea. Jared hasn't even been looking lately. Jared's been decidedly not looking, and mostly hiding in his bedroom, and sometimes now when he sees Jensen, it's like he's not even Jensen anymore, just some chick in his house spreading her bath shit all over his shower and burning vanilla-scented candles and watching like, the Home and Garden network. Jensen keeps claiming that he hasn't changed, it's just a different body or whatever, but Jared is pretty sure that Jensen never watched Trading Spaces before, or if he did, he hid it really well, which really was so much better. If Jared has to watch another hour of Hilde gluing horrible crap to some poor, innocent person's wall, he might break something.
But Jensen, he's been in love with Chris since like, forever, even if he would never admit it out loud, and now he's a girl, and this just is not good. In fact, it's so not good it's bad, but Jensen's an adult or whatever. If he wants to flirt with Chris and maybe give his girl body a test run and get his heart broken when Chris decides he's not gay, that's his business. Jared'll just be over here, not caring.
And really, he thinks as he watches them flirt while Steve sets up, watches them drink and touch and trade stories back and forth like old times except not because of all the fuck me looks they're exchanging, really he just. This just sucks all around. He misses Jensen.
*
Another week goes by, and Chris is at Jared's all the fucking time now, which makes no sense since Jensen doesn't even really live here, he's not even paying rent, for fuck's sake, and Chris has his own place they could go to. But they don't. They spend long, noisy hours in Jared's guest bedroom fucking, sounding like porn, which pretty effectively ruins porn for Jared and makes the lesbian-directed stuff even worse, not that Sandy has been around enough to make him watch it, but he bets that it'd be bad. He probably wouldn't get hard, even.
Now Jensen wears Chris's button-up plaid shirts around with those annoying boys underwear for girls that are so popular for no reason that Jared can see, and the shirts are too big and slip down his shoulders and it's all very Desperate Housewives. Jensen and Chris snuggle on Jared's couch all the time and Chris makes fun of Hilde and calls Jensen 'Jenny,' like he's a real girl or something, and Jensen doesn't smack him or even look annoyed. He looks happy, and comfortable, and Jared has to leave the room because he suddenly feels nauseous.
*
Jared hardly sees Jensen anymore, mainly because he's been hiding in his room or at Chad's, and it's sort of a relief, but it still sucks, too. He still misses Jensen, so when Chris has to fly to Nashville for a week to record, Jared tries to spend some time with him. They go out to the city courts and play one-on-one, but it's pretty ridiculous. Jared is too tall and Jensen sucks at basketball now. Like, he can't even do a lay up anymore, and lets Jared get all the rebounds. Everything sucks. They eat dinner and Jensen looks prettily bored. They play video games, but Jensen hates the new ProSkater and gives up pretty quickly.
Jared thinks the real Jensen would never do that, and wonders when he started thinking of this Jensen as fake. Probably around the same time the rack seemed less like a novelty and Jensen started fucking Chris. Someday you'll be a real boy, Jared thinks to himself, and goes over to Chad's to hide.
*
"Dude," Chad says to him, "you have to like, fucking get over this shit already. I mean, he's. She's. It's still Jensen."
"Except he's not. I mean. The stuff with Chris is pretty fucking weird. We don't have anything to talk about now. He wears like, these little dresses that make him look like jail bait trailer trash or something. It's just all. Fucking weird, okay?"
"I get it. It's weird. He's a girl, so yeah, that's weird." Chad looks annoyed, but whatever. Jared gets to complain, okay? No one on Chad's set randomly grew tits.
"He wasn't gay before. I mean, okay. It's not like I have a. You know I don't care, about people being. Gay and stuff. It's just. I'm pretty sure he was straight. He was straight, right?"
"I dunno, dude. He seemed pretty gay to me. Not like, Liberace, going to a leather bar call me daddy gay. But, you know. Pretty queer. He was always all particular about his hair."
"Yeah. But he didn't watch like, fucking Oprah before."
"Hey, Oprah is stimulating social commentary, man. Don't diss the O. She had Nicole Richie on last week to talk about eating disorders and the emotional trauma of associating with Paris. They should've had me on, man, I totally have stories. Plus, I'd get to meet Oprah, and maybe she'd give me a car, or an African village."
"Fuck you, dude. You're not helping."
Chad just shrugs. "It's me, Chad, remember? Since when do I help?"
Really, that's a pretty good point, but it only makes Jared miss Jensen even more. The best mirror is an old friend. Jared saw that on a bumper sticker once, so it must be true.
*
And then Chris comes back, and it's the return of the unnecessarily noisy sex. Jared tries to watch all the Battlestar Galactica that he missed while they were filming, but he only started watching because Jensen sat him down last Christmas and forced him to. It's hard to watch without Jensen because Jensen always knows what's going on and has all these theories, like that Adama is really a cylon, or the cylons represent the conservative right, but sometimes the fundamentalist Muslims. It makes sense when Jensen explains it, but when Jared tries to watch it alone it's just this unrelentingly depressing show and people keep fucking up and he doesn't get it. Eventually, he gives up.
He goes to Chad's and watches the reruns of Heroes instead, which SciFi shows about every five minutes. It's a show Jared gets, even if the whole 'Save the Cheerleader' tagline starts to really annoy him after the first couple episodes, especially when no one seems all that intent on saving her, and she's fucking invincible anyway, so. He comes home one day about a month after the whole Chris and Jensen thing started and finds Jensen huddled on the couch, wearing sweatpants and a thermal t-shirt and crying into a mug.
"Um," Jared says. He drops his bag onto the floor next to the coat rack and shoves his hands into his pockets. Jensen cries some more. "What's. What's going on?"
"Nothing," Jensen sniffs, fingers white around the mug. With his knees tucked up against his chest and his hair pulled back into a messy ponytail, he looks almost like the real Jensen. Almost.
"That's like. Obviously not true, man," Jared points out, then winces. Jensen isn't sensitive about pronouns anymore, but it still makes Jared feel weird. He never thinks of Jensen as 'her' or 'she' or whatever.
"What do you care? You don't even like me now." Jensen turns watery eyes on him, and Jared feels immediately guilty because, well, he's sort of right. If Jared wanted another girlfriend he never has sex with, well. He wouldn't, because one is enough, seriously, but that's pretty much what Jensen has become, and yeah, Jared doesn't like it, exactly. It pretty much sucks.
Jared sits down on the opposite end of the couch. "That's not true," he says finally. Jensen's only sort of right, really. Jared still likes Jensen, just, you know, the real Jensen, not this girl who ruins porn and doesn't like ProSkater and can't play ball and says shit like, "Just a salad for me, I'm watching my weight." Jared wonders briefly if that means he's incapable of being friends with girls, but decides he doesn't care. Jensen's not a girl, not really. So it's like, moot, or whatever.
"Come on," Jared says finally, because there's only so long he can take Jensen looking quite so pathetic. "Just. We're friends. We are. You're like my bro-person. Um. You know what I mean." He waves a hand around nervously. "What's going on?"
"Chris broke up with me," Jensen says, and starts crying again. He still looks pretty when he cries, but Jared's getting pretty good at ignoring the whole prettiest girl in the world thing now, so.
"Oh," Jared tries to sound surprised or disappointed or something, even though he totally knew it would happen and what he's really thinking is, Thank god, maybe now I can watch porn again. "Um. What happened?"
"He. He just said he had time to think when he was in Nashville, and. You know. That I would turn back and he's not gay, so."
"He's an asshole," Jared says firmly, which is apparently the right thing to say, because Jensen gives him a sad smile. But it's still a smile.
"Yeah. But we knew that already."
*
Things get better, after that, but they sort of stay the same, too. It turns out that Jensen still likes Battlestar, and Jared gets to rewatch all the episodes with Jensen's commentary, so that it makes sense again. He even stops hating Gaius after Jensen explains about how it's all like, some sort of Freudian metaphor or whatever. They take the dogs on long runs and throw sticks for them in the park near Jared's apartment, and sometimes they bring a football and just toss it back and forth. Jensen can still throw, mostly, and he likes to joke that the rack makes him a way better receiver because of the extra cushioning or something, even though Jared thinks they probably just get in the way.
Jensen stops wearing the scary boots and tiny dresses. He just wears jeans and t-shirts and sometimes a baseball cap with his hair pulled through the back fastening, which makes him look more like himself and less like a scary Barbie version of Jensen. They go out sometimes, but just to like, the movies or grocery shopping or whatever, and it's definitely better, but.
But it still kind of sucks, and Jared still really misses Jensen.
*
It happens one night when they're watching a movie from Netflix that Jared's only sort of following, because there are subtitles and he sort of hates trying to read and watch a movie at the same time, but saying that will make him seem dumb, so he entertains himself by thinking up different ways to make fun of Jensen when he comes back. Probably he'll have to mention the hooker boots even though, in retrospect, Jared sort of liked them, and definitely the strawberry-scented shower gel that makes the bathroom smell like an entire whorehouse threw up their daiquiris in it.
He's just trying to think of what clever and witty turn of phrase he'll use regarding Jensen's unhealthy love of shaving his legs when it happens. And by 'it' Jared means 'Jensen,' and by 'happens' he means 'crawls into Jared's lap and tries to freak him.' Well, sort of.
What actually happens is, Jensen says, "Hey," all slow, like he's drunk, even though they're just having diet soda tonight because "dude, the calories in beer are killing me." He says, "Hey," and sidles up beside Jared, and when that fails to illicit a reaction, he swings one leg over Jared's so he's like, all straddling Jared, and it's really fucking trippy and fucked up in too many ways to count. Jared kind of wants to run away, except that he's at his house, so that might make things even more fucked up.
"Jared," Jensen says all low and breathy, and kisses him.
And it's. Weird. Sort of bad weird, actually, because when he imagined kissing Jensen for the first time (not that he does that a lot, except, you know, lately, because he misses him and he still can't get his porn on and well, Jensen's a pretty hot guy, so), he didn't think Jensen would have breasts. And like, yeah, they're nice breasts, and if they were on, say, someone else who didn't used to be his friend or a guy, he might even want to touch them and stuff, but really. It's just weird. It feels weird. Wrong or something.
"Jensen. Stop. I-"
"Come ON, Jared. I'm fucking horny, okay? I know you want to so just-"
"No," Jared says firmly, and pushes Jensen off his lap. Not like hard, or whatever, and he doesn't stand up and drop Jensen onto the floor like he really wants to because now he's feeling really freaked out, but Jensen gets that look on his face anyway. The one that's all, like Jared drop kicked his puppy out the window of a really tall building or something. "Not. Not like this, okay?"
The qualifier doesn't seem to help. Now Jensen just looks confused as to why Jared is drop kicking puppies, and really, this whole metaphor is just making him feel like a really bad person-the kind that ends up forming a cult and leading hundreds of people to a silent, cherry-flavored kool aid death. He's turning down sex. Sex with a beautiful… person, thing, whatever… because, why? Because he's not Jensen. He's like, pod girl Jensen, who probably won't even want to do him anymore once he turns back, even if Chad does think Jensen was pretty gay to start with. But Chad is wrong like, a lot, so. So, whatever. He just. He needs to leave.
"I have to go," he says abruptly, and walks out the door without looking at Jensen. It's easier that way.
*
Jared goes to Chad's, who comforts him with enough weed to get all of Mexico high, and when he walks into his apartment the next morning at ass o'clock feeling like total shit with no idea how to fix this, Jensen is sitting on the couch playing ProSkater, his tongue poking out of the side of his mouth in concentration.
Jensen is sitting on the couch. The real Jensen, and he's all scruffy and, you know, manly looking of the not having breasts variety. He still has the ridiculous eyelashes and the cocksucker's mouth, but it's definitely Jensen. Jared wonders if Jensen's legs are still shaved, or how that works with the whole body transformation thing because his hair is back to normal and all, but thinking about it sort of makes his brain hurt and his dick twitch happily, which is confusing enough on its own. But it's good, because it's Jensen. Jared maybe wants to kiss him, he's so happy. Or just because. Because it's Jensen, and he missed him, and yeah.
He drops his bag in the front hallway instead, says, "Dude. You're back." He's smiling wide and silly. He can't help it.
"Never left," Jensen grunts, then swears at the game before tossing his controller on the carpet.
"The bathroom smelled like a whorehouse, and you couldn't play basketball and I haven't been able to watch porn in like, months, and-"
"Dude, can we like, mock me later? I didn't ask to turn into a frigging girl, you know. Now get your ass over here and kiss me, you pussy."
Jared does. He doesn't pause to think about like, the ramifications of kissing his co-star who just turned back into a guy after being a woman for two months and thirteen days. Sometimes thinking is bad, really. So he just does, and Jensen's a good kisser, which is something his totally freaked the fuck out mind didn't manage to notice the night before. Like, really good. Aggressive. His cocksucker's mouth is good for kissing too, and his tongue is all perfect hot sliding against Jared's teeth and licking inside his mouth, and yeah. It's pretty fucking fine, is what it is. Awesome.
"You," Jared says, all breathless. He has his hands in Jensen's hair, and it's just as soft as it looked and the short hairs scrape against his palms just so. Nice. "I really fucking missed you, man."
Jensen rolls his eyes. Grins, and kisses him again. "Jared, man," he mumbles between kisses. "You're such a fucking girl."