Master and Commander: A parody script

[sahari]

Was inspired this morning and whipped this puppy up in a few hours. Contains spoilers for the movie, swearing, slash references and intimations of pederasty.


By Sahari

Master and Commander
A parody script
By Sahari

Exposition
It's a long time ago. These people are at war. They use ships.
Captain Jack Aubrey's orders are to find the ship the Acheron and open a can of whoop on her French privateer ass.

Some ocean, somewhere in the fog, the Surprise is sailing.
Surprise: La la la...
Lookout: Ooh, I heard something.
Hollom: Oh yeah? Well I saw a shape.
Calamy: Beat to quarters!
Hollom: Um, okay. Thanks for illustrating my incompetence.
Calamy: You're welcome.
Crew looks very busy, running everywhere.
Jack: A shape, you say? Good job! Otherwise this movie would be so very uneventful.
Pullings: (coming from nowhere) I am your right-hand man, sir.
Jack: And a very handsome one at that. Oh, look, flashes of light in the fog. Must be cannon-fire. Everyone down!
Chaos.
More chaos. A lot of shouting and destruction of previously pretty ship.
Surprise: Ow! Hey!
Pullings: Sir, we're having the crap blown out of us by the Acheron.
Jack: Get closer so we can fire back.
Surprise: Hey, that other ship has more guns, with longer range, and has a thicker hull! What the hell are we doing?!
Jack: Okay, run away into that fog bank over there.
Pullings: Excellent.

In the fog
Rowers: Ow. Ow. Fuckin' ow.
Audience sees Surprise clearly since the battle for the first time: Holy crap! And it still floats?
Surprise: I look like shit. Look at my spars! You assholes!

In the orlop (ie sick bay)
Jack: So, how'd it go?
Stephen: Nine wounded; twenty-seven killed.
Jack: Yeah, but how many important characters?
Stephen: Two wounded. See, here, this wacky, superstitious old guy. We need him for plot development.
Jack: Cool.
Stephen: He probably won't live out the night.
Jack: ....
Stephen: And, Lord Blakeney.
Blakeney: I'm cute and stalwart. It's just a flesh wound.
Jack: Sincerest platitudes. Don't worry; if Stephen has to take off your arm, he'll whip it off in two seconds and give you a lollypop.
Blackeny: I'd rather have opium, sir.
Stephen: That can be arranged. Here, Jack, let me take this sliver out of your neck.
Jack: Wow, I didn't even feel that one. Stephen, it was weird. He showed up right on our location, in the dark.
Stephen (winking broadly): Well, the French have spies, just like we do.
Audience who have read the books: Ooh, subtle acknowledgement!
Audience who have not read the books: (oblivious)

In the "great" (ie bigger than anyone else's) cabin
Master: Well, that was educational.
Mowett: We couldn't even dent her.
Pullings: And she was faster.
Jack: She had the weather gauge.
Stephen: I'm not very nautical and completely unaware of sailing diplomacy despite sailing with Jack for unnumbered years, so for the sake of character development and audience buy-in I will wonder what the weather gauge is.
Jack: I'll sketch it out for you, why don't I?
Killick: On the table, with a pen, on my nicely cleaned tablecloth?! I don't think so!
Jack: Bitch, bitch, bitch. The weather gauge is when the other ship is closer to the wind, Stephen. And by the way, everyone, we just got ourselves whooped.
Others: (stare at Jack)
Stephen: This ship is pretty old, right?
Others: (stare at Stephen)
Surprise: La la la...I'm not hearing this!
Jack: She isn't old, she's a lot of nautical things that make her sound really cool.
Stephen: ...okay.
Surprise. Thank you.
Master: So, we'll have to pull into port to repair.
Jack: No, we'll refit at sea.
Others: (stare at Jack)
Master: But...
Jack: I said we'll refit at sea.
Master: ...okay.

In the orlop (ie sick bay)
Blakeney: Hey, you're amputating my right arm!
Audience: Oh, Jesus. Ow.
Stephen: And aren't you a great patient! Have a lolly.
Jack: And here's a book on Nelson, who also lost his right arm. Now don't you feel much better?
Blakeney: I get no respect around this place.

Refitting at some shallow place, somewhere.
Surprise: Stupid war, look at my face, my railings! I'm going to get that bitch Acheron and show her ugly ass what for!
Stephen operates on the old sailor in an open cargo hold.
Stephen: And here are the superstitious old sailor's brains.
Crew: Oooooh.
Sailor: What a great guy. He's an actual surgeon.
Bonden: And a naturalist. He knows everything.
Stephen: Thank you. Thank you very much. And for my next act, I'll be screwing this piece of metal over the open place in this man's skull.
Crew: Ooh.
Bonden: Hey, pass the popcorn.

In the "great" (ie bigger than anyone else's) cabin
Killick: Here we go again, same thing all the time. Male bonding, my ass! The least the fuckers could pay a polka or somethin'.
Stephen: So here we are, me with my 'cello and you with your violin. Feeling aggressive, Jack? (suggestive leer)
Jack: Nah, let's rip into this Loticelli.
Stephen: (disappointed) ...okay.

Later, the Surprise frisks around the ocean
Surprise: Wee!
Jack: Woohoo, I'm king of the...
Stephen: Don't even!
Jack: Poo.

At some Latin American coast, with lots of native people in boats trading goods with the Surprise.
Stephen: Since I'm the only one who can speak Portuguese, I'll condescend to translate the native's news. The Acheron is way the hell ahead of us.
Jack: Poo.
Pretty native girl: (waves)
Jack: (looks longingly at girl)
Stephen: Don't even think it.
Jack: I'm so whipped.
Pullings: (looks longingly at Jack) I'll obediently do whatever you say.
Jack: Whatever. Let's get out of here.
Pullings: ...okay.

Somewhere in the ocean
Surprise: Hey, there's that bitch, the Acheron!
Pullings: Holy crap, she's been waiting for us!
Jack: What, is this personal? Is that French captain in love with me, or something?
Stephen: He has to wait in line.
Pulling: He'll never have you!
Jack: ... Anyway, we need to go as fast as possible. Put up every sail we have, and let's get some Surprise beauty shots while we're at it.
Surprise: I love you.
Jack: I'm so oblivious.
Stephen: Thank God.

At night, the Acheron closing in. The crew is rigging something that looks like a whole bunch of flotsam with a sail on top.
Calamy: Uh, sir, what the hell is that?
Jack: Your first command.
Calamy: To avoid a whipping I'll act thankful and only slightly apprehensive.
Jack: Down you go!
Calamy: When I'm captain, I'll get more respect than this.
The Surprise escapes using the HMS Flotsam, Calamy commanding, as a decoy. They reel in Calamy through shark-infested waters and leave the decoy to be blasted to bits as they escape.
Jack: Now, wasn't that fun?
Calamy: Where's my lollypop, you turds?
Jack: Bonden, take a sharp right.
Bonden: (showing scary teeth) Yessir.
Audience: It's scruffy!Pippin, yay!
Bonden: Shut up. I'm doing some serious acting here.

Morning. Miraculously, the Surprise winds up behind the Acheron.
Master: Now, that's impossible, by god! What a great captain!
Jack: Okay, let's get this sucker!
Surprise: Wee!

Later, it's really really high seas as they round the Cape
Surprise: Um, should we still be cracking on with all my sails up?
Jack: Right, let's get some of those sails down, despite horrendous weather conditions that will surely cost one or two men their lives.
Master: Hey, Hollom. Go up there and help that sailor fold up the sail.
Hollom: But sir, I'm a midshipman. We don't do those sorts of competent things.
Master: Get the hell up there. It's a plot point.
Hollom: Yes sir.
Part of the mast above Hollom breaks and drops into the ocean, taking a sailor with it.
Surprise: Woa. Suddenly I'm not going so fast. In fact, I think I'm about to sink. Help!
Crew belowdecks start praying.
Jack: Well, damn. We're going to have to chop that mast free and therefore kill a very popular sailor by leaving him in the ocean.
Surprise: What the hell are you waiting for?!
Jack: Um, yeah. Hand me an ax.

In the "great" (ie bigger than anyone else's) cabin
Stephen: You can't blame yourself. Blame war. Blame the tyranny of kings. You're perfect and blameless.
Jack: But he was popular.
Stephen: You're even more popular.
Killick opens door, sees the men "bonding" and retreats.
Jack: Oh, yeah? Tell me more.
Stephen: Well, I can't because I hate being an informer, because I'm Irish and an anarchist.
Jack: I thought you were Catholic.
Stephen: An anarchist believes in no government, Jack.
Jack: ...?
Stephen: Anyway, let's just say that if I was talking to my friend and not the captain....
Jack: Get on with it.
Stephen: We really shouldn't have come this far. Are you sure you're not in love with that French captain?
Jack: It's entirely out of sense of duty, although I've exceeded my orders a long time ago.
Stephen: Well, damn, that's not very reassuring.

Somewhere belowdecks.
Superstitious old sailor: It's a Jonah. It's evil. I'm very superstitious for no reason.
Crew: Hear him! We love the superstitious old coot.
Expositional sailor: Jonah was a godly man who made a ship go down.
Crew: So we have a godly, unlucky man on board.
Expositional sailor: No, just an unlucky one.
Audience: This superstition makes no sense at all.

The Doldrums (ie bad, hot place with no wind)
Surprise: Well, fuck. And now my tar is starting to run.
Crew: Boy is it hot.

Somewhere abovedecks. Sailors are scrubbing down the deck.
Drunken sailor: It's him, it's Hollom. He's the Jonah.
Crew: Hmm.
Drunken sailor: Every time he's involved, someone dies.
Crew: Hmm.

Drunken sailor refuses to salute Hollom. Jack has him imprisoned and gives Hollom a talking to.
Hollom: I try to be friendly, but they have it in for me.
Jack: Look, you can't be friendly with the common sailors. It's a sign of weakness.
Hollom: Okay.
Jack: Discipline. Strength.
Hollom: Okay. Discipline. Strength. I'll do better, sir.
Jack: You're not hearing a single thing I'm saying, are you?
Hollom: No sir.
Jack: (sighs) A shame we'll be whipping the wrong man tonight.

In the "great" (ie bigger than anyone else's) cabin
Stephen: For the sake of tension and absolutely regardless of the fact that my character is detached and hates arguing, I'll argue about how you shouldn't whip men who fail to salute.
Jack: The men need leadership. They need to be governed.
Stephen: Hello? Anarchist?
Jack: I thought you were Catholic. Anyway, what would you have me do?
Stephen: Get rid of the rum.
Jack: Are you out of your mind? Rum, sodomy and the lash are all we have in the Royal Navy. That would leave us with sodomy and the lash.
Stephen: And get rid of the whipping.
Jack: That would leave sodomy.
Stephen: Exactly.

A whipping occurs.
Audience: Where's the blood?
Everyone: (looks uncomfortable)
Sailors: (look death at Hollom)
Hollom: Ah, well there goes my life.

At night, still in the Doldrums. Blakeney manages to look cute despite sweating through four layers of Naval uniform.
Blakeney: Stupid watch. Stupid uniform. Stupid Doldrums.
Hollom: Yo.
Blakeney: Hey. What up?
Hollom: I just wanted to fondle this cannonball and tell you that you've been really nice to me.
Blakeney: ...okay...
Hollom: I'll be jumping overboard now. (He jumps and sinks.)
Blakeney: Holy crap!

The next morning. Still in the Doldrums. Hollom's funeral.
Jack: Forgive us, Lord. We should have treated him better, although Hollom was a doofus-brain with the backbone of a weevil, and...
The wind, for the first time in umpteen days, ruffles a sail. Jack instantly perceives.
Jack: ...a Jonah. Amen.
Crew: Amen!

At sea, the Surprise frollicks.
Surprise: Wee! I love wind!

In the "great" (ie bigger than anyone else's) cabin
Jack: Did I ever tell you about that time when Nelson -
Everyone: Yes!
Jack: Poo.
Stephen: There, there, dear. Why don't you tell us your weevil joke again?
Jack: Actually, I made Killick make us a huge pudding in the shape of our next destination.
Everyone: Cool. What a great captain.
Killick: Yeah, whatever.
Jack: So, anyone know what this is? Stephen? Pullings? Anyone?
Pullings: The Galapagos Islands?
Stephen: Damn, I should have known that one.
Jack: Good job, Pullings! Yes, the Galapagos. For some reason, I predict that the Acheron will go there in search of whalers.
Everyone: Oooh.
Jack: Eat, drink and be merry. And hey, let's sing some nautical songs.

The Galapagos Islands. The sailors are looking at the weird wildlife.
Stephen: Oh, look. A flightless cormorant.
Blakeney: A dragon.
Stephen: It's a type of iguana.
Blakeney: That swims.
Stephen: Holy fuck. I'm about to pee in my pants. I can't wait to start exploring these islands!
Jack (looking in the opposite direct of everyone else): Well, well, well. Looks like whaler flotsam. And here are some surviving whalers. I bet they know exactly where the Acheron went.
Stephen: No fucking way.
Jack: Okay, everyone. Forget the Galapagos. The Acheron is that way!
Crew: Yay! Prize money!
Stephen:....

In the "great" (ie bigger than anyone else's) cabin
Stephen: You know, that promise you made me, that I could explore the Galapagos...?
Jack: Null and void. The Navy comes first.
Stephen: But all the potential scientific discoveries?
Jack: Not important.
Stephen: After all we've been to each other?
Jack: Look, it's my ship and my battle. Your interests aren't important.
Stephen: You know, you are so no getting nooky from me anytime soon.
Jack: Well, damn.

On deck.
Stephen: (sulks at the backrail)
Everyone: Lover's quarrel. Not good.
Blakeney: Look, sir, I found a beetle for you. It's probably a Galapagos beetle.
Stephen: You're very cute and obviously trying to cheer me up.
Blakeney: You can have it.
Stephen: And curiously sexy for such a little boy.
Blakeney: I'll run off now.

As they chase the Acheron's trail
Jack: I love cannon practice! One more time, boys, with feeling!
Crew: Fuckin' A. What a slave driver.
Jack: ...or we could be saying "your highness" to Napoleon.
Crew: What a great captain!
Stephen: (sulks in his cabin)

That night, in Stephen's sleeping cabin
Stephen: (sulks) No nooky, ever.
Everyone is partying it up in the great cabin next door.
Stephen: Ever.

Some days later, still on Acheron's tail
Bonden: Look, doctor, there's a albatross. Or some other huge seabird.
Stephen: (goes all fanboy) Ooh! An albatross. Watch as I chase it heedlessly around.
Marine captain: Ooh! An albatross. Them's good eatin'. Hand me my rifle.
The Marine captain accidentally shoots Stephen.
Everyone, including audience: Oh my god!
Stephen: Well, hell, there goes my best shirt.

Belowdecks in the orlop. Higgins, the assistant surgeon, takes a look at Stephen's wound.
Higgins: Oh, Jesus. I think I'm going to throw up.
Jack: But can you make him better?
Higgins: I'll need to operate. There's part of a shirt in there with the bullet.
Jack: Anything I can do - ?
Higgins: You can get me his anatomy books, and a lot of rum. And stop this ship from rocking back and forth. And get me lots of light. And, what the hell, while you're at it, produce a proper surgeon.

Later. Higgins is still looking at anatomy books.
Bonden: Hey, it looks like we've found the Acheron!
Stephen: I am so dead.

Jack paces back and forth. The crew expectantly wait for the order to pursue what they think is the Acheron.
Pullings: Sir? Your orders?
Jack: French ship or Stephen? French ship or Stephen? Oh god, my brain hurts!
Pullings: Might I suggest you actually make a decision before one leaves or the other dies?
Jack: Damn.

The Galapagos Islands. Stephen is being carried in a stretcher.
Audience: Huh? Didn't they just sail away from the islands, like days ago?
Stephen: So you do love me!
Jack: Nah. I just needed some down time.
Stephen: I love you.
Surprise: Hey! Where's everyone going?

A tent. The stage is set for Stephen's surgery.
Higgins: Well, here goes nothing.
Stephen: No, I'll do it.
Higgins: Ya could've told me that, like weeks ago!
Stephen: Okay, Jack, press down on my stomach for no particular reason, so I can watch you go from gray to green during this rather messy surgery. Padeen, hold the mirror.
Audience who have read the books: Oh, that's Padeen!
Audience who haven't read the books: Who the hell is this guy?
Stephen: Higgins, hand me several complex instruments while I writhe in pain and pull the bullet out of my stomach.
Audience: Good god, this man has balls!
Stephen: See, there. Wasn't so bad. Jack, sit down before you faint.
Jack: Oh god, I'm going to throw up.

Stephen recoups in the tent, sleeping sexily.
Blakeney: Ooh, sir, we've caught some insects for you. Well, I caught them. Padeen stood around and held things.
Stephen: Your cuteness just grows in bounds.
Blakeney: I know.

Stephen and Jack walk together on a cliff overlooking the ocean and the Surprise.
Jack: We'll hang around a week or two.
Stephen: Jesus, have I told you how much I love you?
Jack: Name a shrub after me.
Stephen: A shrub, hell. A tortoise, because I love tortoises. They're big, and huggable, and I like to -
Jack: You know, you're a really weird person, in a sexy, abrasive way.
Stephen: I love you.
Jack: Um. Okay?
Surprise: Hey! I'm really not feeling the love here! Hello!

Stephen, Blakeney and Padeen go tromping about the Galapagos Islands.
Stephen: Ooh, iguanas! (chases)
Stephen: Ooh, tortoises! (measures)
Stephen: Ooh, lizards! (cages)
Stephen: Ooh, flightless cormorant! (climbs after)
Stephen: Ooh, Galapagos beetle! (scoops)
Stephen: Oh, crap. There's the Acheron. (turns around)

Aboard the Surprise.
Jack: Sorry you had to dump all your animals for me, Stephen.
Stephen: I expect nooky, and lots of it.
Blakeney: And here's something we were able to bring away with us.
Jack: A lovely twig.
Blakeney: (hands over magnifying glass)
Jack: Oh. That's really...creepy...and crawly...twig bug.
Blakeney: That disguises itself to confuse the predators.
Jack:..
Stephen: You know, like other things disguises themselves to escape detection: moths, snakes, ships...
Jack: ...
Stephen: Jesus, Mary and Joseph. No guessing who wears the brains in this family.
Jack: Oh, I get it! The Acheron is disguised as a twig!
Blakeney: Wow. I see what you mean.

Jack psyches up his crew for the upcoming battle.
Jack: Okay, so they think we're a whaler, you see, because we're emitting hemp smoke and are sailing all un-Navy-like. Oh, and we've covered up our uniforms. So what we do is we wait until she's right up alongside of us, and we hoist our real flag and reveal our real uniforms two seconds before we blast them out of the water.
Stephen: Isn't that a bit...dishonorable?
Pullings: Shhh.
Jack: Now, one side of cannons will have no wheels for this engagement, so you can aim at the mast.
Audience: They can't aim at the mast without taking off the wheels? That's not very efficient!
Jack: We'll all aim really well, turn around and blast them with our other cannons. Then we'll board and kill them all.
Everyone: Cool!
Jack: Because, you know, (waits a beat) Surprise is on our side.
Everyone except Stephen: Yay! What a great captain!
Stephen: I wrote that one for him.
Pullings: I expect so, sir.

A big battle occurs. Everything goes perfectly, except that many people die. Jack fights the good fight, and even Blakeney and Stephen get to join in the action. Jack goes looking for the French captain, and finds him in the sick bay.
French doctor: I ahm zorry. Zah capitan, he is dead.
Audience: Damn, that's one fine looking corpse!
French doctor: My Ingleish is so bahd, but zah capitan zed to gif you zis sword.
Jack: Oh, you're giving me the captain's sword! Neat!
Audience: That was convenient.

On the deck of the Surprise. The mass funeral for the dead.
Jack: And someone we don't know, and another sailor we could care less about, and (chokes) Calamy.
Audience: Waah!
Blakeney: Waah!

In Stephen's cabin
Blakeney: I'm so depressed.
Stephen: Here, take the Galapagos beetle and sketch him with your remaining hand.
Blakeney: Gee, that's awful kind of you.
Stephen: It was either that or seduce you.
Blakeney: I'm sketching! I'm sketching!

On the deck of the Surprise.
Jack: So, I think we'll take a leisurely cruise back to the Galapagos Islands, get some water, and let Stephen crawl around looking for specimens.
Pullings: Very good, sir. Might I be of service while he is absent?
Jack: Actually, I'm giving you command of the Acheron, Captain Pullings.
Pullings: (teary-eyed) Oh, sir. Thank you!
Everyone: Yay, Pullings got a ship!
Stephen: Thank God.

In the "great" (ie bigger than anyone else's) cabin:
Killick: There they go again. Get a room, already.
Stephen: So here we are again, me with my 'cello and you with your violin.
Jack: Yes, isn't it fine? No more worries or interruptions, and you get to return to the Galapagos.
Stephen: Well, I do worry about Higgins being the only doctor aboard that ship.
Jack: They have the French doctor.
Stephen: No they don't. He died months ago.
Audience who haven't read the books: How the hell does he know that?
Audience who have read the books: (snicker)
Jack: (stands) Are you telling me that the French doctor who gave me this sword is actually...
Stephen: ...
Jack: A zombie?
Stephen: Not quite.
Jack: You mean, he lied to me?!
Stephen: Which means the French doctor is really...?
Jack: Um, wait a minute. I'll figure it out.
Stephen: He's the captain, Jack. The captain disguised himself as the French doctor.
Jack: (brightens) Oh! (darkens) Oh.
Stephen: (realizes they're not going to the Galapagos) Oh.
Audience: Oh.

Surprise at sea, following the Acheron yet again.
Surprise: Wee!