Did You Get What You Hoped For? 1/? (Fic)
Title: Did You Get What You Hoped For? 1/?
Rating: PG (This Chapter)
Genre: Gen, hurt/comfort (ish, more so later on)
Pairing and Characters: Dean/female!Cas (Dean/fallen!female!Cas later), Sam, Bobby, Crowley (eventually)
Spoilers: Everything through 6x20
Warnings: Character death (sorta)
Word Count: 3,500
Note: Just a little story that came out of nowhere a couple days ago. My first Supernatural fic and it’s growing bigger than I thought it would.
Summary: Set in an AU after the end of Season 6. I’m making up how it will end and this is the aftermath. Dean has to deal with what happens to Castiel and he is surprised how Cas changes.
The explosion had been too bright. Dean couldn’t imagine it only coming from one angel. He and Sam had been far enough from the warehouse to avoid being injured by the blast, but the light still reached them. They stood in silence.
“Dean, that looked like an angel’s death.” Sam turned to look at his brother.
Dean clenched his jaw, “Let’s make sure it was the right one.” Dean ran off toward the warehouse where Cas and Raphael had met to face off. Both Winchesters kicked in the jammed front doors and Dean’s fear was realized. Lying on the floor were the vessels for both angels.
“Oh God.” Sam picked up an angel blade left on the floor and went to check Raphael’s vessel.
Dean rushed to Cas, falling to his knees beside him. “Cas!” Dean shook Cas’ shoulders. “Come on man, wake up! CAS!”
“Dean.” Sam grabbed his brother, “Stop, he’s gone.”
“No Sammy, he can’t be.” Dean pulled his arm out of his gigantor brother’s hold. Dean wasn’t going to let Cas leave now. He had finally won, finally beaten Raphael. He couldn’t die now. “Cas please, wake up.” Dean held the front of Cas’ trenchcoat, hoping for God to bring him back again. Dean could hope right?
But Dean knew better. When does he ever get what he hoped for?
Three weeks had passed. Sam and Dean had brought Jimmy Novak’s body back to Bobby’s and burned him there. Raphael’s vessel was burned in the warehouse. Cas deserved a funeral with family. Because that’s what Cas had been to all of them, family.
Of course Sam wanted to talk to Dean about it afterword. But he was fine. He’s been losing people he cares about all his life. Why would that change now? He avoided Sam and Bobby and started looking for new jobs in the area.
After a few successful cases and lives saved, Sam finally had enough. They had just taken care of a werewolf and were getting ready for another night in the cheap motel. Dean was slipping off his boots when Sam pulled up a chair in front of him and sat down. Dean looked up and leaned back on his hands. “We’re gonna have a talk aren’t we?”
Sam pursed his lips and let out a long breath. “Dean, I know how close you were to Cas…”
“Oh God, kill me now.” Dean stood up and walked past his brother and to the cooler they brought in. He reached down and opened the lid and grabbed a beer.
“Dean,” Sam stood and followed his brother, “you can’t pretend that what happened doesn’t affect you. I know you better than that.”
Dean rolled his eyes and took a drink from his beer.
“You’re acting just like you did when Dad died. You’re burying yourself in work so you won’t have to face how much you really miss him.”
Dean leaned against the small table he was next to and sat his beer down. Sam was staring at him. “What do
you want me to say Sam? That I miss him or that I wish it hadn’t happened? You want me to cry and curl up on the floor while you tell me it’s gonna be okay? Nothing you or I say will change anything or make anything better. So can we not?”
Sam was shaking his head and looking at Dean like he couldn’t believe what he was saying. He saw through the act, but he knew Dean would never crack while he was around. Just like Dad’s death. “Fine. Consider it dropped.”
Dean nodded and picked up his beer, “Thank God.” Dean finished off his bottle and headed to the shower. He then prepared himself for another fitful night of sleep.
His dreams had never been peaceful since his run in Hell, but now he didn’t see screaming souls and Alistair mocking him, he saw Cas. He saw him exploding in white light over and over. He heard his voice calling to him for help he couldn’t give. He saw the warehouse and felt the dread of not being able to help.
Dean woke with a shout and sat up in his bed. After frantically looking to find no threat whatsoever, he glanced over at Sam. His little brother shifted slightly in his sleep but otherwise didn’t make a sound. At least he hadn’t woken him up. Dean threw the covers of his bed and walked into the bathroom. He turned on the light and shut the door. He splashed cold water over his face and looked in the mirror. His eyes were blood shot and tired. Dark circles told more of his sleepless nights than Dean would admit to. He didn’t recognize the man he saw in the mirror. That face looked like someone who was broken and defeated, someone who needed help. Dean closed his eyes. “I’m sorry Cas. I should’ve…” Dean shook his head and grabbed a towel to dry his face. He climbed back into bed and tried to think of anything but Castiel.
Dean woke up again but this time it was to Sam hitting his feet and calling him.
“Dean get up.” Sam was packing his clothes when Dean rolled onto his stomach with no intention of moving again for a while. Sam rolled his eyes and threw one of Dean’s boots, hitting him on the back. “Get up!”
Dean growled half-heartedly into his pillow. He turned his head to look at Sam. “That hurt.” He chucked the boot back at his brother. He smacked it out of the air like King Kong swatting airplanes. “Bitch.”
“Jerk.” Sam zipped up his duffel bag and turned toward the door. “Seriously, get up. Bobby called and said he has a possible job for us. Come on.” Without waiting for a reply, he left Dean to get out of bed.
Dean sighed and sat up. He rubbed his hand over his face trying to wake himself up. He was considering letting Sam drive so he could sleep, but he thought better of it and got dressed. He was picking up his bag when Sam came back in. “So did Bobby say what the case involved?”
Sam shook his head, “No, just a few mysterious deaths in the area and he want us to check it out.”
“And why can’t he check it out himself? Not that I don’t want to see him or anything, but that doesn’t sound like anything too dangerous or complicated.”
“You know how things can turn. Maybe he just wants a little security.” Dean nodded and started walking toward Sam in the doorway when he heard a familiar flap of wings and felt an electric charge that meant one thing. Dean turned expecting a miracle return of Cas, but instead he saw a woman he didn’t recognize. She was dressed in black dress pants and a closed trenchcoat.
Sam and Dean exchanged a look before turning back to the woman. No angels or demons for that matter had bothered them since the big showdown.
“Who are you?” Sam reached for Ruby’s knife.
“Hello Dean, Sam.” The woman nodded to each in turn. Her voice was lower than her appearance warranted. Her eyes sparkled with an affection that Dean found odd coming from a stranger. Dean heard Sam gasp.
“Cas?”
The woman gave a small smile and nod. Dean dropped his bag and shook his head. There’s no way, Cas was dead. He had seen the wing impressions in the warehouse. “No, Cas is dead. Who are you?”
The woman tilted her head just like Cas always did when something confused him. “Dean, I’m sorry. I had to make everyone believe I was really dead. I should have come sooner.”
Sam laughed, “Oh my God. Cas I can’t believe it.” Sam pushed past Dean and pulled the woman into a tight bear hug. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” Dean couldn’t even see the woman behind Sam.
“Sam,” Dean grabbed him and freed the poor woman being crushed in his arms, “you don’t need to suffocate her.” Dean eyed the woman, who was smiling slightly. She was a little smaller than Cas had been and her vibrant red hair just passed her shoulders. “So Cas, you really have a thing for trenchcoats huh?”
Cas looked down and back to Dean with a blank expression, “I don’t choose my vessel’s clothing Dean.” The voice was so much like Cas Dean had a hard time not believing it was Cas.
“Cas, what happened in the warehouse?” Sam asked.
“Raphael was close to having Crowley open the door to purgatory. I showed up and told Crowley our deal was off. After he fled, Raphael came after me. I knew I would die in a fight against him so I did my best and set off an explosion that I knew would kill Raphael and probably me too. I knew Raphael was dead but I wanted his followers to believe I was dead as well, so I faked my death.”
“So you were alive when we ran in there? Why did you let us burn your body?” Dean was furious. “You could have trusted us to not tell anyone Cas.”
Cas shook her head. “No Dean, I knew the other angels would be watching you. It was the only way everyone would believe I was gone. As for my body, I wasn’t in it when you and Sam found it.”
“So what happened to Jimmy then?”
“He is in Heaven. He had given more than he ever should have. He was ready to move on.”
“Could you have come back to his body though if we hadn’t burned it?”
Cas locked eyes with Dean. Looking at him like he was searching for something. Dean shifted under the gaze. “I could have yes, but I had no intention to do so.”
“Why not?”
Cas looked to Sam. “Because I don’t want anyone to know I’m alive. They would recognize that vessel. Now I can go unnoticed.”
“Who are you possessing now? Who else is losing family to be your vessel Cas?” It came out more accusing than he meant, but Dean was upset that Cas had left like that.
She tilted her head again. “This girl has no family. No siblings, parents, nobody to endanger. Are you really upset with my vessel choice Dean, or just upset that I’m alive?”
Dean felt a hot pain in his chest. How could Cas think he didn’t want to see him, or her, alive? “I’m not upset you’re alive Cas.” Cas was staring at him again. Her eyes narrowed. “I just wish you would have told us about this.” Dean almost felt betrayed by Cas. He couldn’t believe he would fake dying and not tell him. He caught her eyes, they widened before she looked down. Dean thinks she might have heard what he was thinking.
“Cas, how would changing vessels help you hide? I thought all angels could recognize each other regardless of vessels.” Sam was mainly trying to change the subject before Dean started taking swings at Cas, but he was really curious.
After a moment, Cas nodded, “You’re right Sam vessels don’t matter to angels as far as identification goes, but I have a way of hiding who I really am from others. My old vessel would have made it impossible.”
“What, like some kind of spell to hide who you are?”
“In a way. I’m masquerading as another angel. I wanted to see the state of Heaven in my absence.”
“How is it up there?”
“Better. My comrades have taken control and are rearranging Heaven as it should be.” Castiel looked back to Dean who was glaring at the floor. She didn’t understand what was upsetting him so much.
“So who’s in charge up there?”
“No one.” Dean did look up then.
“What? What is everybody doing then? The angels I mean.”
“Whatever they want. It seems most of them are finally grasping the concept of freedom and choice. Most are staying in Heaven, but a few are visiting Earth.”
Dean finally spoke up, “So all the angels are doing whatever?” Castiel nodded. “Well that’s great,” he said sarcastically, “what if some other douche wad decides to start the apocalypse again like Raphael?”
“Then someone will stop them. Heaven is much different now.”
“Sure Cas, if that’s what you want to believe.” Dean picked up his bag and headed outside to put it in the Impala.
Sam left Cas inside and followed Dean. “Dean, what the Hell is wrong with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“What do I mean? Dean you just found out that Cas is alive and you hardly reacted at all. In fact you got angry. What’s wrong with you? Aren’t you happy at all?”
“Of course I’m happy Cas is alive! I just wish he could have trusted us that’s all.” Dean slammed his back door a little harder than necessary. He really didn’t want to talk about all of this now. Inside he wanted nothing more than to tell Cas how much he needed to see him, or her, damn it was weird to think of Castiel as a girl. Dean wanted to give her a hug like Sam had, but now it would be awkward.
“Dean, he didn’t want to risk our safety. I don’t see Cas having much of a choice.”
“Whatever Sam can we just go to Bobby’s now?” Dean started climbing into the driver’s seat.
Sam grabbed the door and held it open. “Let me get Cas first. I’m sure Bobby will want to know about this.” Dean waved an arm at him. Sam closed the car door and walked back to the motel room. Dean started the car and gripped the steering wheel tight. He really wanted to leave. Let Cas fly Sam to Bobby’s. He really wanted time to think about everything that was happening.
Sam climbed into the front seat as Castiel got in the back. Dean backed out of the parking lot and started the drive to Bobby’s. Thankfully they were only a few hours away.
After parking the Impala, Dean practically jumped out of the car and hurried into Bobby’s house. Sam watched his brother, he wondered how long it would take him to give in and tell Cas how much he had missed her. Sam started toward the house with Castiel following close behind.
Sam walked in and found Bobby sitting at his desk. “Hey Bobby.” Bobby stood holding a large leather-bound book.
“Hi Sam, thanks for getting here so fast.” Bobby shook his hand before noticing Castiel behind him. “Who’s this?”
Sam stood aside to let Bobby see her. “Bobby, it’s Castiel.”
Bobby’s mouth opened in surprise. “What? Cas?” He looked at the woman as if he would somehow see the angel now.
“Yes Bobby it’s me.” Cas stepped closer.
“I’ll be damned. How are you still alive? From what the boys told me there was no way.”
Cas nodded, “I needed to convince everyone I was gone. I’m sorry Bobby.”
“No, don’t apologize Cas. I’m just glad you’re okay.”
“Bobby where’s Dean?” Sam hadn’t seen him anywhere in sight.
Bobby gestured toward the kitchen. Sam nodded in understanding and went to drag his brother away from the alcohol. “Tell Dean he has to replace whatever beer he takes,” Bobby called after Sam.
Sam laughed, “I will.” He opens the doors to see Dean sitting at the table finishing what he hopes is his first beer. He sat down across from him. “What are you doing?”
Dean lifts his hands, “Isn’t it obvious?” He opens another beer on the table.
“Yeah.” Sam grabs the bottle from Dean before he can drink from it. “Stop it.”
“What?” Dean tries to grab the bottle back. Sam stands up and holds it up. “Dude, come on don’t use your overgrown body to deprive me of beer.” Dean stands up.
“I’m not letting you run away from what’s bothering you or let you drown it in alcohol.” Sam pushes Dean away as he tries to reach for the beer.
Dean huffs, “Fine.” He turns toward the refrigerator to get another beer out. Sam set the bottle down and grabs his brother, pulling him away from the fridge.
“Dean, why don’t you just go talk to Cas and get out what you need to get out.”
“I don’t have to get out anything. I’m fine.” Dean pushes Sam away from him.
“Right.”
“How ‘bout we just head out on that case Bobby has for us okay?” Dean moved past Sam and almost smacks right into Castiel. “Jeez Cas you still now how to sneak up on people I see.”
Castiel’s face doesn’t change. “Dean we need to talk.” Her voice left no room for argument.
“I’ll go see what Bobby has for us.” Moving faster than Dean thought possible, Sam was gone.
Cas walked into Dean’s personal space with a look of irritation and frustration. “What do you want Dean?” Her voice was a low growl that reminded Dean too much of the second time he talked to Cas when he threatened to throw him back in the pit. His stomach flipped from the sound of her voice and her proximity.
“What?”
“Over the years I have done everything for you that was possible. I died more than once for you and your cause. I abandoned my post in the war in Heaven to help you and your brother many times. And through all of this I’m having a hard time recalling a single moment of gratitude from you. What do you want from me Dean?” Cas’ eyes seemed almost alight with anger now.
Dean’s heart was pounding in his ears. “I don’t want anything from you.”
That was the wrong answer. Castiel took in a breath and moved even closer to Dean, causing him to move back. “You are by far the most frustrating, ungrateful, childish man I have ever met. Is there anybody that could ever satisfy you Dean?” Castiel’s movement had caused Dean to end up backed up against the counter.
Feeling like a cornered cat, Dean did the only thing he knew. “I guess not. Tell me Cas if you did so much for me and considered me a friend, which I assume you did, why did you start working with Crowley? Why did you lie over and over to all of us?” It was a low blow but Cas was starting to back off. Dean straightened and continued, “Why did you fake your own death and not let any of us know about it? A month Cas. You were dead to us for a month! Don’t you think we would have wanted to know you were alive? That I needed to know you were alive?”
Cas looked like someone had kicked a baby. “I’m sorry Dean. I wanted to tell you. I’m sorry that I caused you pain and nightmares.”
“Wait, what? How do you know about my nightmares? Were you spying on us again?”
“No Dean. I was aware of your dreams but I wasn’t watching.”
“Don’t you think maybe you could have popped into one of my dreams and told me you were alive, or given me some kind of hint of your plan?”
Cas narrowed her eyes and invaded Dean’s space again. Her voice was low and dangerous, “My cover is difficult to maintain in Heaven. I didn’t have the luxury of being able to drop my guard, even for a second. But I gave you hints Dean.”
Dean’s chest clenched, “What?”
“Every doubt that ever crossed your mind. Every dream of my survival or stray hope was me dropping hints and ideas. Trying to keep your faith in my survival. I didn’t want you to give up hope.”
Dean’s head was spinning. He remembered how occasionally it felt like Cas had been just out of sight or a whisper of his voice. He had given up though. He felt like he had failed Cas now.
Cas shook her head. Her eyes were swimming with emotions: anger, sadness, disappointment. “I guess I overestimated you.” With a flutter and burst of energy, Dean was alone still leaning away from a now invisible angel. Dean felt like he had been kicked in the stomach. He had let Cas down, again. He had only ever seen Cas like that when he was beating Dean to a pulp in a back alley after deciding to say yes to Michael. Dean turned and smacked his fist into the counter. Pain shot up his arm, but he didn’t care. He deserved it after everything. Cas was right, he had been ungrateful for all that Castiel had done for him and Sam.
Sam peeked into the kitchen and found Dean rubbing his right hand, leaning over Bobby’s counter. “Where’s Cas?” Dean jumped and turned to face Sam. The look on his face told him what happened. “What did you do?”
“Nothing.” Dean moved away from the counter and grabbed the file out of Sam’s hand as he passed. “Let’s work.” Without an answer, Dean moved past Bobby and out the door. Sam and Bobby exchanged knowing looks. With a nod Sam followed Dean and hoped his brother hadn’t ruined his friendship with Castiel.
TBC- http://pelagia911.livejournal.com/4009.html
Rating: PG (This Chapter)
Genre: Gen, hurt/comfort (ish, more so later on)
Pairing and Characters: Dean/female!Cas (Dean/fallen!female!Cas later), Sam, Bobby, Crowley (eventually)
Spoilers: Everything through 6x20
Warnings: Character death (sorta)
Word Count: 3,500
Note: Just a little story that came out of nowhere a couple days ago. My first Supernatural fic and it’s growing bigger than I thought it would.
Summary: Set in an AU after the end of Season 6. I’m making up how it will end and this is the aftermath. Dean has to deal with what happens to Castiel and he is surprised how Cas changes.
The explosion had been too bright. Dean couldn’t imagine it only coming from one angel. He and Sam had been far enough from the warehouse to avoid being injured by the blast, but the light still reached them. They stood in silence.
“Dean, that looked like an angel’s death.” Sam turned to look at his brother.
Dean clenched his jaw, “Let’s make sure it was the right one.” Dean ran off toward the warehouse where Cas and Raphael had met to face off. Both Winchesters kicked in the jammed front doors and Dean’s fear was realized. Lying on the floor were the vessels for both angels.
“Oh God.” Sam picked up an angel blade left on the floor and went to check Raphael’s vessel.
Dean rushed to Cas, falling to his knees beside him. “Cas!” Dean shook Cas’ shoulders. “Come on man, wake up! CAS!”
“Dean.” Sam grabbed his brother, “Stop, he’s gone.”
“No Sammy, he can’t be.” Dean pulled his arm out of his gigantor brother’s hold. Dean wasn’t going to let Cas leave now. He had finally won, finally beaten Raphael. He couldn’t die now. “Cas please, wake up.” Dean held the front of Cas’ trenchcoat, hoping for God to bring him back again. Dean could hope right?
But Dean knew better. When does he ever get what he hoped for?
Three weeks had passed. Sam and Dean had brought Jimmy Novak’s body back to Bobby’s and burned him there. Raphael’s vessel was burned in the warehouse. Cas deserved a funeral with family. Because that’s what Cas had been to all of them, family.
Of course Sam wanted to talk to Dean about it afterword. But he was fine. He’s been losing people he cares about all his life. Why would that change now? He avoided Sam and Bobby and started looking for new jobs in the area.
After a few successful cases and lives saved, Sam finally had enough. They had just taken care of a werewolf and were getting ready for another night in the cheap motel. Dean was slipping off his boots when Sam pulled up a chair in front of him and sat down. Dean looked up and leaned back on his hands. “We’re gonna have a talk aren’t we?”
Sam pursed his lips and let out a long breath. “Dean, I know how close you were to Cas…”
“Oh God, kill me now.” Dean stood up and walked past his brother and to the cooler they brought in. He reached down and opened the lid and grabbed a beer.
“Dean,” Sam stood and followed his brother, “you can’t pretend that what happened doesn’t affect you. I know you better than that.”
Dean rolled his eyes and took a drink from his beer.
“You’re acting just like you did when Dad died. You’re burying yourself in work so you won’t have to face how much you really miss him.”
Dean leaned against the small table he was next to and sat his beer down. Sam was staring at him. “What do
you want me to say Sam? That I miss him or that I wish it hadn’t happened? You want me to cry and curl up on the floor while you tell me it’s gonna be okay? Nothing you or I say will change anything or make anything better. So can we not?”
Sam was shaking his head and looking at Dean like he couldn’t believe what he was saying. He saw through the act, but he knew Dean would never crack while he was around. Just like Dad’s death. “Fine. Consider it dropped.”
Dean nodded and picked up his beer, “Thank God.” Dean finished off his bottle and headed to the shower. He then prepared himself for another fitful night of sleep.
His dreams had never been peaceful since his run in Hell, but now he didn’t see screaming souls and Alistair mocking him, he saw Cas. He saw him exploding in white light over and over. He heard his voice calling to him for help he couldn’t give. He saw the warehouse and felt the dread of not being able to help.
Dean woke with a shout and sat up in his bed. After frantically looking to find no threat whatsoever, he glanced over at Sam. His little brother shifted slightly in his sleep but otherwise didn’t make a sound. At least he hadn’t woken him up. Dean threw the covers of his bed and walked into the bathroom. He turned on the light and shut the door. He splashed cold water over his face and looked in the mirror. His eyes were blood shot and tired. Dark circles told more of his sleepless nights than Dean would admit to. He didn’t recognize the man he saw in the mirror. That face looked like someone who was broken and defeated, someone who needed help. Dean closed his eyes. “I’m sorry Cas. I should’ve…” Dean shook his head and grabbed a towel to dry his face. He climbed back into bed and tried to think of anything but Castiel.
Dean woke up again but this time it was to Sam hitting his feet and calling him.
“Dean get up.” Sam was packing his clothes when Dean rolled onto his stomach with no intention of moving again for a while. Sam rolled his eyes and threw one of Dean’s boots, hitting him on the back. “Get up!”
Dean growled half-heartedly into his pillow. He turned his head to look at Sam. “That hurt.” He chucked the boot back at his brother. He smacked it out of the air like King Kong swatting airplanes. “Bitch.”
“Jerk.” Sam zipped up his duffel bag and turned toward the door. “Seriously, get up. Bobby called and said he has a possible job for us. Come on.” Without waiting for a reply, he left Dean to get out of bed.
Dean sighed and sat up. He rubbed his hand over his face trying to wake himself up. He was considering letting Sam drive so he could sleep, but he thought better of it and got dressed. He was picking up his bag when Sam came back in. “So did Bobby say what the case involved?”
Sam shook his head, “No, just a few mysterious deaths in the area and he want us to check it out.”
“And why can’t he check it out himself? Not that I don’t want to see him or anything, but that doesn’t sound like anything too dangerous or complicated.”
“You know how things can turn. Maybe he just wants a little security.” Dean nodded and started walking toward Sam in the doorway when he heard a familiar flap of wings and felt an electric charge that meant one thing. Dean turned expecting a miracle return of Cas, but instead he saw a woman he didn’t recognize. She was dressed in black dress pants and a closed trenchcoat.
Sam and Dean exchanged a look before turning back to the woman. No angels or demons for that matter had bothered them since the big showdown.
“Who are you?” Sam reached for Ruby’s knife.
“Hello Dean, Sam.” The woman nodded to each in turn. Her voice was lower than her appearance warranted. Her eyes sparkled with an affection that Dean found odd coming from a stranger. Dean heard Sam gasp.
“Cas?”
The woman gave a small smile and nod. Dean dropped his bag and shook his head. There’s no way, Cas was dead. He had seen the wing impressions in the warehouse. “No, Cas is dead. Who are you?”
The woman tilted her head just like Cas always did when something confused him. “Dean, I’m sorry. I had to make everyone believe I was really dead. I should have come sooner.”
Sam laughed, “Oh my God. Cas I can’t believe it.” Sam pushed past Dean and pulled the woman into a tight bear hug. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” Dean couldn’t even see the woman behind Sam.
“Sam,” Dean grabbed him and freed the poor woman being crushed in his arms, “you don’t need to suffocate her.” Dean eyed the woman, who was smiling slightly. She was a little smaller than Cas had been and her vibrant red hair just passed her shoulders. “So Cas, you really have a thing for trenchcoats huh?”
Cas looked down and back to Dean with a blank expression, “I don’t choose my vessel’s clothing Dean.” The voice was so much like Cas Dean had a hard time not believing it was Cas.
“Cas, what happened in the warehouse?” Sam asked.
“Raphael was close to having Crowley open the door to purgatory. I showed up and told Crowley our deal was off. After he fled, Raphael came after me. I knew I would die in a fight against him so I did my best and set off an explosion that I knew would kill Raphael and probably me too. I knew Raphael was dead but I wanted his followers to believe I was dead as well, so I faked my death.”
“So you were alive when we ran in there? Why did you let us burn your body?” Dean was furious. “You could have trusted us to not tell anyone Cas.”
Cas shook her head. “No Dean, I knew the other angels would be watching you. It was the only way everyone would believe I was gone. As for my body, I wasn’t in it when you and Sam found it.”
“So what happened to Jimmy then?”
“He is in Heaven. He had given more than he ever should have. He was ready to move on.”
“Could you have come back to his body though if we hadn’t burned it?”
Cas locked eyes with Dean. Looking at him like he was searching for something. Dean shifted under the gaze. “I could have yes, but I had no intention to do so.”
“Why not?”
Cas looked to Sam. “Because I don’t want anyone to know I’m alive. They would recognize that vessel. Now I can go unnoticed.”
“Who are you possessing now? Who else is losing family to be your vessel Cas?” It came out more accusing than he meant, but Dean was upset that Cas had left like that.
She tilted her head again. “This girl has no family. No siblings, parents, nobody to endanger. Are you really upset with my vessel choice Dean, or just upset that I’m alive?”
Dean felt a hot pain in his chest. How could Cas think he didn’t want to see him, or her, alive? “I’m not upset you’re alive Cas.” Cas was staring at him again. Her eyes narrowed. “I just wish you would have told us about this.” Dean almost felt betrayed by Cas. He couldn’t believe he would fake dying and not tell him. He caught her eyes, they widened before she looked down. Dean thinks she might have heard what he was thinking.
“Cas, how would changing vessels help you hide? I thought all angels could recognize each other regardless of vessels.” Sam was mainly trying to change the subject before Dean started taking swings at Cas, but he was really curious.
After a moment, Cas nodded, “You’re right Sam vessels don’t matter to angels as far as identification goes, but I have a way of hiding who I really am from others. My old vessel would have made it impossible.”
“What, like some kind of spell to hide who you are?”
“In a way. I’m masquerading as another angel. I wanted to see the state of Heaven in my absence.”
“How is it up there?”
“Better. My comrades have taken control and are rearranging Heaven as it should be.” Castiel looked back to Dean who was glaring at the floor. She didn’t understand what was upsetting him so much.
“So who’s in charge up there?”
“No one.” Dean did look up then.
“What? What is everybody doing then? The angels I mean.”
“Whatever they want. It seems most of them are finally grasping the concept of freedom and choice. Most are staying in Heaven, but a few are visiting Earth.”
Dean finally spoke up, “So all the angels are doing whatever?” Castiel nodded. “Well that’s great,” he said sarcastically, “what if some other douche wad decides to start the apocalypse again like Raphael?”
“Then someone will stop them. Heaven is much different now.”
“Sure Cas, if that’s what you want to believe.” Dean picked up his bag and headed outside to put it in the Impala.
Sam left Cas inside and followed Dean. “Dean, what the Hell is wrong with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“What do I mean? Dean you just found out that Cas is alive and you hardly reacted at all. In fact you got angry. What’s wrong with you? Aren’t you happy at all?”
“Of course I’m happy Cas is alive! I just wish he could have trusted us that’s all.” Dean slammed his back door a little harder than necessary. He really didn’t want to talk about all of this now. Inside he wanted nothing more than to tell Cas how much he needed to see him, or her, damn it was weird to think of Castiel as a girl. Dean wanted to give her a hug like Sam had, but now it would be awkward.
“Dean, he didn’t want to risk our safety. I don’t see Cas having much of a choice.”
“Whatever Sam can we just go to Bobby’s now?” Dean started climbing into the driver’s seat.
Sam grabbed the door and held it open. “Let me get Cas first. I’m sure Bobby will want to know about this.” Dean waved an arm at him. Sam closed the car door and walked back to the motel room. Dean started the car and gripped the steering wheel tight. He really wanted to leave. Let Cas fly Sam to Bobby’s. He really wanted time to think about everything that was happening.
Sam climbed into the front seat as Castiel got in the back. Dean backed out of the parking lot and started the drive to Bobby’s. Thankfully they were only a few hours away.
After parking the Impala, Dean practically jumped out of the car and hurried into Bobby’s house. Sam watched his brother, he wondered how long it would take him to give in and tell Cas how much he had missed her. Sam started toward the house with Castiel following close behind.
Sam walked in and found Bobby sitting at his desk. “Hey Bobby.” Bobby stood holding a large leather-bound book.
“Hi Sam, thanks for getting here so fast.” Bobby shook his hand before noticing Castiel behind him. “Who’s this?”
Sam stood aside to let Bobby see her. “Bobby, it’s Castiel.”
Bobby’s mouth opened in surprise. “What? Cas?” He looked at the woman as if he would somehow see the angel now.
“Yes Bobby it’s me.” Cas stepped closer.
“I’ll be damned. How are you still alive? From what the boys told me there was no way.”
Cas nodded, “I needed to convince everyone I was gone. I’m sorry Bobby.”
“No, don’t apologize Cas. I’m just glad you’re okay.”
“Bobby where’s Dean?” Sam hadn’t seen him anywhere in sight.
Bobby gestured toward the kitchen. Sam nodded in understanding and went to drag his brother away from the alcohol. “Tell Dean he has to replace whatever beer he takes,” Bobby called after Sam.
Sam laughed, “I will.” He opens the doors to see Dean sitting at the table finishing what he hopes is his first beer. He sat down across from him. “What are you doing?”
Dean lifts his hands, “Isn’t it obvious?” He opens another beer on the table.
“Yeah.” Sam grabs the bottle from Dean before he can drink from it. “Stop it.”
“What?” Dean tries to grab the bottle back. Sam stands up and holds it up. “Dude, come on don’t use your overgrown body to deprive me of beer.” Dean stands up.
“I’m not letting you run away from what’s bothering you or let you drown it in alcohol.” Sam pushes Dean away as he tries to reach for the beer.
Dean huffs, “Fine.” He turns toward the refrigerator to get another beer out. Sam set the bottle down and grabs his brother, pulling him away from the fridge.
“Dean, why don’t you just go talk to Cas and get out what you need to get out.”
“I don’t have to get out anything. I’m fine.” Dean pushes Sam away from him.
“Right.”
“How ‘bout we just head out on that case Bobby has for us okay?” Dean moved past Sam and almost smacks right into Castiel. “Jeez Cas you still now how to sneak up on people I see.”
Castiel’s face doesn’t change. “Dean we need to talk.” Her voice left no room for argument.
“I’ll go see what Bobby has for us.” Moving faster than Dean thought possible, Sam was gone.
Cas walked into Dean’s personal space with a look of irritation and frustration. “What do you want Dean?” Her voice was a low growl that reminded Dean too much of the second time he talked to Cas when he threatened to throw him back in the pit. His stomach flipped from the sound of her voice and her proximity.
“What?”
“Over the years I have done everything for you that was possible. I died more than once for you and your cause. I abandoned my post in the war in Heaven to help you and your brother many times. And through all of this I’m having a hard time recalling a single moment of gratitude from you. What do you want from me Dean?” Cas’ eyes seemed almost alight with anger now.
Dean’s heart was pounding in his ears. “I don’t want anything from you.”
That was the wrong answer. Castiel took in a breath and moved even closer to Dean, causing him to move back. “You are by far the most frustrating, ungrateful, childish man I have ever met. Is there anybody that could ever satisfy you Dean?” Castiel’s movement had caused Dean to end up backed up against the counter.
Feeling like a cornered cat, Dean did the only thing he knew. “I guess not. Tell me Cas if you did so much for me and considered me a friend, which I assume you did, why did you start working with Crowley? Why did you lie over and over to all of us?” It was a low blow but Cas was starting to back off. Dean straightened and continued, “Why did you fake your own death and not let any of us know about it? A month Cas. You were dead to us for a month! Don’t you think we would have wanted to know you were alive? That I needed to know you were alive?”
Cas looked like someone had kicked a baby. “I’m sorry Dean. I wanted to tell you. I’m sorry that I caused you pain and nightmares.”
“Wait, what? How do you know about my nightmares? Were you spying on us again?”
“No Dean. I was aware of your dreams but I wasn’t watching.”
“Don’t you think maybe you could have popped into one of my dreams and told me you were alive, or given me some kind of hint of your plan?”
Cas narrowed her eyes and invaded Dean’s space again. Her voice was low and dangerous, “My cover is difficult to maintain in Heaven. I didn’t have the luxury of being able to drop my guard, even for a second. But I gave you hints Dean.”
Dean’s chest clenched, “What?”
“Every doubt that ever crossed your mind. Every dream of my survival or stray hope was me dropping hints and ideas. Trying to keep your faith in my survival. I didn’t want you to give up hope.”
Dean’s head was spinning. He remembered how occasionally it felt like Cas had been just out of sight or a whisper of his voice. He had given up though. He felt like he had failed Cas now.
Cas shook her head. Her eyes were swimming with emotions: anger, sadness, disappointment. “I guess I overestimated you.” With a flutter and burst of energy, Dean was alone still leaning away from a now invisible angel. Dean felt like he had been kicked in the stomach. He had let Cas down, again. He had only ever seen Cas like that when he was beating Dean to a pulp in a back alley after deciding to say yes to Michael. Dean turned and smacked his fist into the counter. Pain shot up his arm, but he didn’t care. He deserved it after everything. Cas was right, he had been ungrateful for all that Castiel had done for him and Sam.
Sam peeked into the kitchen and found Dean rubbing his right hand, leaning over Bobby’s counter. “Where’s Cas?” Dean jumped and turned to face Sam. The look on his face told him what happened. “What did you do?”
“Nothing.” Dean moved away from the counter and grabbed the file out of Sam’s hand as he passed. “Let’s work.” Without an answer, Dean moved past Bobby and out the door. Sam and Bobby exchanged knowing looks. With a nod Sam followed Dean and hoped his brother hadn’t ruined his friendship with Castiel.
TBC- http://pelagia911.livejournal.com/4009.html