"Grace", for miss_mandy
Title: Grace
Author: To be revealed
Rating: PG
Category: Angst, Season 1/Pre-series
Characters/Pairing: Lincoln, Veronica, Lincoln/Veronica, LJ, Nick, Abruzzi
Requested by: miss_mandy
Summary: Lincoln reflects on life and lessons learned on his last day at Fox River. A variation of the events in Episode 1.14 The Rat and Episode 1.15 By the Skin and the Teeth
Author’s note: Please CLICK! if you want some mood music, handsome faces and beautiful voices. It is what got me started on this path. This is for miss_mandy, who requested angst, preferably season 1 or pre-series. Her prompts included Fox River, winter/that time in May when it snowed, and blood on the snow. I hope this is something like you were looking for. Thanks so much to my beta who took time from her busy schedule for this.
Grace
10:00 AM
Lincoln squatted in the corner of his cell, like he did everyday. Breakfast had come and gone, and there wasn’t much to do while he waited.
“Hey, Stolte! What time is it?” He yelled through the small, square opening that sat low in the cell door. It was open today, probably would be all day long.
“Almost 10 o’clock, Linc,” the guard answered simply, softly. Not a trace of sarcasm or malice in his tone.
On this day, his last day, he did not expect to hear much flack from any of the guards. Other than that one punch, the one he had flattened Geary with outside the guard’s shack, Lincoln had never given any of them much of a problem. “Model prisoner,” he chuckled to himself.
He stood up then and ghosted his fingers across the cell wall, waiting for the sun to toast that spot. It had happened at 10 o’clock yesterday, and 10 o’clock the day before, so he kept his hand elevated and waited for the sun to take away the chill.
At least his last few days had come after winter. It was hard enough as it was, but to have to face his end without ever seeing sunlight again, that would really be Hell.
He raked his fingers across that spot for several minutes before glancing up toward the window expectantly. Maybe Stolte was wrong. Maybe it wasn’t time yet. So he kept his fingers pressed against the wall, waiting.
When he had first arrived at Fox River, his one hour of yard time had corresponded with those precious few minutes when the sun filtered through the bars into his cell, lighting up the dust and providing some semblance of normality. Just as the fingers of heat danced across his wall, the guard would call him to the door and those fleeting normal minutes were lost in the routine of shackling him in preparation for his outdoor excursion.
It had taken months to earn the privilege, but eventually Lincoln persuaded the guards to change his yard time to the afternoon. Something about not being a morning person had actually worked to his advantage. So now he could feel the sun on his skin-that sensation a normal person would take for granted-twice in the same day.
“I’ll be damned!” Stolte called, his face suddenly appearing in the small hole. “It’s snowing out there, Linc! I can’t remember the last time it snowed in May.”
Lincoln dropped his hand and let the weight of his body slump against that cold wall. He wouldn’t be seeing the sun today, or ever again, for that matter.
“I remember it,” Lincoln called out, his deep voice resonating off the four thick walls. It was that May when Veronica came back from college. That day had all the ingredients of a new beginning:
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but know I’m found
Was Blind, but now I see
“This is really great, Vee. Congratulations.” Lincoln smiled warmly, glancing at the party going on all around them. “You did it. I knew you would.”
Even though he had practiced them several times, the words did not come out as smoothly as he had planned. The room was crowded and the music was just a little too loud, making his tone harsher than he wanted. Everyone he knew was here today, but he only saw her.
“Lincoln!” Veronica shouted over the noise, smiling at him-that smile that lit up her whole face and made her smoky grey eyes seem even bigger.
God, he missed that smile!
“You’re happy.” Lincoln tried to smile in return, he really did.
“Congratulations, Veronica!” Another well-wisher walked up right then, and as quickly as Lincoln had gotten her attention, he lost it.
Lincoln shoved his hands in his pockets and turn toward the bar. Ten minutes, he told himself, just to appease Michael, and then they were leaving. He did not belong here.
Soft fingertips brushed the back of his shoulder and Lincoln turned around immediately.
God, he missed that touch, too!
“Where are you going, Lincoln?” Veronica looked up, slyly. She still wore that smile, except now it was only for him.
“I was, uh…”
“Did you drive?” Veronica didn’t give him a chance to answer. She grabbed his arm and headed toward the back door. Toward the kitchen, the fastest escape route out of one of these party halls. “A car with a heater that works, I hope. It feels like it’s getting colder out there.”
Lincoln kept his mouth closed. He did not want to say anything and ruin what was happening. He just nodded his head numbly and allowed her to pull him along.
The kitchen was even louder-glasses clinking and pans clanking and waiters screaming. People rushed around and between them, and the pair race-walked for the backdoor, laughing and holding hands like…like time had turned back or something.
Once they hit the outer door, the wind cut through Lincoln’s worn leather jacket and Veronica’s flimsy sweater. Neither of them was prepared for one last winter cold front.
Flakes started to float out of the sky, disappearing before they hit the ground. At first, there were just a few, but after several minutes, there was more snow white than cloud gray overhead. They stood and stared silently into the heavens, as the air grew even colder and the flakes began to stick and blanket the ground.
Veronica turned and wrapped her hands around his neck and suddenly he was sixteen again-thrilled to be here, pretty sure what she wanted, but terrified that he might have it all wrong. Hesitantly, he reached around her slim waist and drew her near. She looked up and Lincoln dipped his head down, barely brushing his lips against hers. Just enough to feel the warmth of her breath, but not really enough to taste her.
God, he missed that, too!
“Stop here!” Veronica cried out from the passenger seat, her fingers still interlaced with his.
Lincoln looked at her and groaned. A park on the outskirts of Chicago in the midst of a late-winter snowfall was not what he had in mind at the moment.
“Come on, Linc,” Veronica pleaded, “It’ll be fun.”
They ran and kicked up small piles of the freshly fallen snow. It was not enough for a snowman or anything, but they were able to collect and pack a few dirty snowballs, soon facing-off against each other. Neither of them was too careful with their aim and they missed more often than they connected.
“Ow!” Veronica called out, grabbing her left hand.
Lincoln rushed to her side. He carefully inspected her reddened knuckles and then looked down at the dots of blood in the snow. The layer of white was so thin there, that Veronica had scraped her hand across the underlying asphalt in her rush to gather more ammunition. Without hesitation, he lifted her hand to his mouth and licked away the pain.
“Hey, Lincoln!” Stolte called into the cell, reminding Lincoln of exactly where he was. “Don’t worry, you’ll still get your yard time today.”
Lincoln didn’t like the tone he heard in the guard’s voice. It made him feel like the ugly mutt at the animal shelter that no one was going to adopt. He had a feeling the whole day was going to be like that. For once, he longed for solitary-truly solitary-confinement.
As evening had set in that day, he and Veronica made slow, sweet love. He spent the last of his cash on the room and called in sick to work. He told her how quiet his mind was at the time and how good it felt. He reminded them both of all the mistakes he had made in his life and promised to make a new start.
That day he had felt fresh and alive, like his slate had been wiped clean.
His mind was quiet again today, and the sensation was oddly comforting. It swept down and covered his chaotic thoughts like the snow blanketed the ground.
He never did ask Michael how he got home from Veronica’s graduation party.
~~~
3:00 PM
Lincoln walked out into the yard and looked around, over toward gen-pop. No one was outside today. This was one of those days when they kept the inmates indoors-except him. Even with the wind howling, it was deafeningly quiet.
He bent down and tried to rustle up enough snow to pack into a ball. He laughed a little when his knuckles touched the asphalt beneath and gave up the endeavor. He really did not feel much like playing right now, anyway.
Lincoln walked around the perimeter fence a few times, stretching out his long legs like he never really could in his cell. He raked his fingers along the chain link, feeling the cold as he went.
On his third revolution, he slumped back against the wall close to the door, looking up at the sky. Maybe it was a good thing that there was no sun today. That way he wouldn’t miss it when he was gone.
He raised the collar of his jacket and dropped his head lower to cover his ears. It was definitely getting colder and darker outside.
LJ was born on a day like this. That was in April though; surprising snowfalls are more common in April.
T’was Grace that taught my heart to fear
And Grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed
“I can’t believe it,” Lincoln whispered, looking in awe at the bundle in Lisa’s arms. He had never done anything quite this right.
“I can,” Lisa grinned in response.
Lincoln gently extracted one tiny, pink arm from beneath the bulky blanket, and peered at the band on that wrist. “Burrows, boy,” it read. It matched the one on Lincoln’s own wrist, except the baby’s was blue.
The nurse came in with a wheelchair and both of Lisa’s parents glared at him intensely.
“Oh,” Lincoln scrambled, “Let me hold him while you get in the chair.” He looked at her hopefully, “Can I?”
“He’s yours, too,” Lisa’s voice was low, like the conversation was just between them, and Lincoln appreciated her for that more than anything.
Lincoln reached down and gently lifted the baby from her arms. He had held infants before, but never his own. He snuggled down close and grinned at the wrinkly, red thing in his arms. “Hey, LJ, I’m your dad,” he whispered, as he nuzzled against the baby-fine hair and kissed the crinkled forehead. He looked at Lisa with concern, “Are you sure he’s gonna be warm enough in this?”
“There’s another blanket over there if you want,” she sighed. “It won’t hurt him.”
Lincoln walked to the chair and grabbed the extra blanket. He spread it on the bed Lisa had just vacated and wrapped the additional layer around his newborn son. He kissed that wristband one more time before folding it underneath the secondary layer of warmth.
That day, he learned that there were some things worth living for, and some worth dying for.
Staring across the small yard, he knew with certainty that after tonight, LJ would be safe. Yes, some things were definitely worth it.
The door creaked open, so Lincoln wasn’t surprised by the guard’s voice. He stood up before hearing anything else.
“Time’s up, Linc.” Stolte spoke softly, the shackles clinking in his grip.
~~~
6:00 PM
“I came in here a man, give me the strength to walk out of here a man.” Lincoln repeated the mantra over and over again in the dark cell. He lifted his head, and then lowered it into his hands. With every repetition, he gained courage.
The overhead light came on without warning. He squinted and ducked his head as the door opened. It was not that bright, but a day without light or sun left his eyes extra sensitive.
“Sorry, Linc,” Stolte apologized. He held up the supplies in his hands, “I gotta do this.”
“S’ okay,” Lincoln replied, wondering why he was trying to make things easier for the guard. “You’re here late. Short staffed?”
“No,” Stolte tried to smile. He didn’t come anywhere close to meeting Lincoln’s eyes. “I’m staying until the end, Linc.”
Lincoln dropped onto the cot, leaning forward to make easy work of it. It took three fresh razors to complete the job.
He always wore his hair short, but it had been a long time since he shaved his head.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come
T’is Grace that brought me safe thus far
And Grace will lead me home
“Damn, Linc!” Derek slurred, “I can’t believe you let that chick walk away.”
Lincoln was leaning forward with both elbows on the bar. He started to lift the last of four shots to his lips and then set it back down, still full, next to the three empties. He even pushed his beer toward the bartender. “I’m outta here,” he huffed, wiping the excess liquid off his lips.
“Slow down,” Derek laughed, “She ain’t the only one here.”
The bar was always loud on Friday nights, the band had no idea how to wire the amps, and the bass was throbbing in Lincoln’s ears. There was no reason to look around to confirm Derek’s remark; he had left the “Howl at the Moon” with a woman hanging off of him more often than not.
Lincoln stood up quickly, regretting the movement immediately. His head was spinning. “Don’t need this anymore,” he mumbled as he staggered out the door.
That day he learned he had the strength to walk away. And he did. He did not touch another drink or smoke another joint for three weeks. Not until that night.
“Hey,” Stolte said. Lincoln nearly jumped off the cot. “Sorry, Linc. I, um, I got a message for you from Abruzzi.”
“Abruzzi?” Lincoln recovered quickly. “How did he do that?”
“I don’t know,” Stolte shrugged, “I got it from one of his guys. You wanna hear it?”
Lincoln rubbed his hands across his smooth scalp and squinted at the guard. “Uh, yeah, I guess.”
“He said, ‘I’ve got his back.’ That mean your brother?” Stolte looked into Lincoln’s face for the first time all day. It felt good. Human.
Warmth spread through Lincoln and he smiled-one less fear. “Sounds like. So, he’s gonna be back soon?”
“Sounds like,” Stolte mimicked Lincoln’s response. “Thanks for keeping your word, Linc.” He picked up his supplies and walked out.
The door slammed closed and the light went off. The small square remained open. It was the only light seeping into the cell. Lincoln shuddered as the light dimmed off and on for a few seconds.
“I came in here a man, give he the strength to walk out of here a man.” He repeated to himself. He took a slow, deep breath and smiled inwardly. He had it; he had the strength to walk away.
~~~
11:58 PM
When they came for him and led him down that last hallway, Lincoln considered himself the luckiest person on earth. This day he received two more gifts-foresight and calm. He thought those were sure to be his last.
Abruzzi would watch out for Michael until he was released. Nick would watch out for Veronica. He had sworn it to Lincoln on the phone earlier in the evening. And together, they would watch out for LJ until Michael could take over.
Veronica wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear, “I’ve loved you since the first day I saw you.” Her eyes were filled with tears, some slipping out no matter how hard she struggled to keep them in.
The only thing Lincoln regretted right now was not being able to wrap his arms around her and comfort her. She would get past this, he had seen it. She would not forget him, but she would move on.
They strapped his right wrist down just seconds before his left. Lincoln grabbed the wooden armrest in a firm grip. It was not out of fear, just reality. The flashes in his mind were going so fast now, that he needed to know what was the here and now, what was the past, and what was still to come.
When we’ve been here ten thousand years
Bright shining at the sun
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Then when we’ve first begun
Michael strode out the front gate at Fox River, wearing the same handsome suit he had worn at his sentencing hearing. He looked up and grinned, and Veronica and LJ ran up to greet him.
Nick stood in the distance, smiling at all three of them. His hands tucked in his pockets as he leaned against the car, waiting for the trio to get reacquainted.
Lincoln could see them from all different angles now. Michael looked the same, hadn’t aged a day or gained a pound. His hair was a little longer though.
There were subtle changes in LJ’s appearance. His face was slimmer and a little darker. Was that a 5 o’clock shadow? Lincoln got closer to get a better look.
“You look good, LJ,” Michael’s voice was soft and he smiled brightly. “How’s school going?”
“Good,” LJ grinned, “Same as last weekend at visitation when you asked me.”
“Come on guys,” Veronica gently tugged them toward the car. The sun shone brightly, but the wind was still biting out here in the open. “Let’s get Michael a decent meal.”
“So, um,” LJ hesitated. “Do you want me to stay with you?” He looked up and locked eyes with his uncle. “Can I?”
Michael grabbed his nephew into a big hug, holding tightly. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, LJ,” he whispered, scrunching his eyes closed against the tears. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Even though he thought he knew what to expect, the wet sponge shocked Lincoln, and he was in Fox River again. The cold water dripped down, drenching his face and white t-shirt.
The head restraint came next, the guards held his head still and he could hear the screw turning tighter and tighter with each twist, more water dripping down over his face. The chinstrap was pulled taut and buckled securely, keeping his teeth closely clenched.
And he was gone again.
“Yahoo, LJ!” Michael was yelling. He was standing in the middle of a packed auditorium, wearing a tan suit and clapping passionately. Who wears a tan suit, anyway?
“You did it!” Veronica stood close by, screaming as loud as she could. Her voice was nearly gone.
Lincoln panned back a little so he could take in the whole scene. He followed Michael’s eyes to the dais in the front of the huge hall. One after another, maroon-robed figures crossed the platform and shook hands with an official. Each moved the tassel from one side of their mortarboard to the other.
“Way to go, LJ!” Nick’s voice made Lincoln sweep in for a closer look.
LJ smiled meekly toward the voices in the audience as he accepted his diploma. Lincoln squinted to see the print on it: “Bachelor of Science, Mathematics. Loyola University, Chicago.”
Lincoln grinned from ear to ear. Who would have guessed it, but sure enough, that was his boy up there.
He heard the drape sliding across the viewing room window before he opened his eyes. He struggled to control his breaths. Just because his mind had reached acceptance did not mean his body had, and he wanted to be strong for them now, when they needed to feel his strength the most.
Lincoln looked from his brother to his love. They were both distraught and he wanted more than anything to quell their fears. He watched the tears streak down Veronica’s face, and silently willed God to allow her to see all the things he had seen today.
He had seen life.
Veronica walked into her office and let out a deep breath. She unzipped the long, black robe and hung it on the hook behind her door. She moved around and adjusted the huge leather chair so she could sink behind one of those thick mahogany desks Lincoln had only seen during plea agreements.
Lincoln watched from nearby and smiled. Her eyes still shined, but there were tiny crinkles beside them. Her hair draped across her shoulders with just the slightest hint of gray framing her face.
The door flew open with a thud and a little boy, no more than five, and a little girl, eight, maybe, came flying into the room.
“Mommy! Mommy!” They screamed in unison. Both voices were too high-pitched to be easy on the ears.
“My babies!” Veronica called out, pushing away from her desk and holding her arms out wide as the children slid into them.
“Love you, mommy!” They nestled in close.
And then Lincoln got to see that smile again, the one he loved so much, the one that made her eyes look even bigger.
“Love you, too, sweeties,” she whispered into their ears as she hugged. “Love you, too.”
Lincoln was grateful when the cloth was dropped over his face. He still could not slow down his breathing, but he could not hold back his smile either. And smiling would have scared them, he was sure of that.
He saw it all clearly now.
His job was done.
He could go home.
And he was ready.
~~~
1201 AM
Lincoln had thought he had been given all the gifts he would receive, but he was wrong. He received one more gift. That day he learned peace.
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see…
-The End-
Author: To be revealed
Rating: PG
Category: Angst, Season 1/Pre-series
Characters/Pairing: Lincoln, Veronica, Lincoln/Veronica, LJ, Nick, Abruzzi
Requested by: miss_mandy
Summary: Lincoln reflects on life and lessons learned on his last day at Fox River. A variation of the events in Episode 1.14 The Rat and Episode 1.15 By the Skin and the Teeth
Author’s note: Please CLICK! if you want some mood music, handsome faces and beautiful voices. It is what got me started on this path. This is for miss_mandy, who requested angst, preferably season 1 or pre-series. Her prompts included Fox River, winter/that time in May when it snowed, and blood on the snow. I hope this is something like you were looking for. Thanks so much to my beta who took time from her busy schedule for this.
Grace
10:00 AM
Lincoln squatted in the corner of his cell, like he did everyday. Breakfast had come and gone, and there wasn’t much to do while he waited.
“Hey, Stolte! What time is it?” He yelled through the small, square opening that sat low in the cell door. It was open today, probably would be all day long.
“Almost 10 o’clock, Linc,” the guard answered simply, softly. Not a trace of sarcasm or malice in his tone.
On this day, his last day, he did not expect to hear much flack from any of the guards. Other than that one punch, the one he had flattened Geary with outside the guard’s shack, Lincoln had never given any of them much of a problem. “Model prisoner,” he chuckled to himself.
He stood up then and ghosted his fingers across the cell wall, waiting for the sun to toast that spot. It had happened at 10 o’clock yesterday, and 10 o’clock the day before, so he kept his hand elevated and waited for the sun to take away the chill.
At least his last few days had come after winter. It was hard enough as it was, but to have to face his end without ever seeing sunlight again, that would really be Hell.
He raked his fingers across that spot for several minutes before glancing up toward the window expectantly. Maybe Stolte was wrong. Maybe it wasn’t time yet. So he kept his fingers pressed against the wall, waiting.
When he had first arrived at Fox River, his one hour of yard time had corresponded with those precious few minutes when the sun filtered through the bars into his cell, lighting up the dust and providing some semblance of normality. Just as the fingers of heat danced across his wall, the guard would call him to the door and those fleeting normal minutes were lost in the routine of shackling him in preparation for his outdoor excursion.
It had taken months to earn the privilege, but eventually Lincoln persuaded the guards to change his yard time to the afternoon. Something about not being a morning person had actually worked to his advantage. So now he could feel the sun on his skin-that sensation a normal person would take for granted-twice in the same day.
“I’ll be damned!” Stolte called, his face suddenly appearing in the small hole. “It’s snowing out there, Linc! I can’t remember the last time it snowed in May.”
Lincoln dropped his hand and let the weight of his body slump against that cold wall. He wouldn’t be seeing the sun today, or ever again, for that matter.
“I remember it,” Lincoln called out, his deep voice resonating off the four thick walls. It was that May when Veronica came back from college. That day had all the ingredients of a new beginning:
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but know I’m found
Was Blind, but now I see
“This is really great, Vee. Congratulations.” Lincoln smiled warmly, glancing at the party going on all around them. “You did it. I knew you would.”
Even though he had practiced them several times, the words did not come out as smoothly as he had planned. The room was crowded and the music was just a little too loud, making his tone harsher than he wanted. Everyone he knew was here today, but he only saw her.
“Lincoln!” Veronica shouted over the noise, smiling at him-that smile that lit up her whole face and made her smoky grey eyes seem even bigger.
God, he missed that smile!
“You’re happy.” Lincoln tried to smile in return, he really did.
“Congratulations, Veronica!” Another well-wisher walked up right then, and as quickly as Lincoln had gotten her attention, he lost it.
Lincoln shoved his hands in his pockets and turn toward the bar. Ten minutes, he told himself, just to appease Michael, and then they were leaving. He did not belong here.
Soft fingertips brushed the back of his shoulder and Lincoln turned around immediately.
God, he missed that touch, too!
“Where are you going, Lincoln?” Veronica looked up, slyly. She still wore that smile, except now it was only for him.
“I was, uh…”
“Did you drive?” Veronica didn’t give him a chance to answer. She grabbed his arm and headed toward the back door. Toward the kitchen, the fastest escape route out of one of these party halls. “A car with a heater that works, I hope. It feels like it’s getting colder out there.”
Lincoln kept his mouth closed. He did not want to say anything and ruin what was happening. He just nodded his head numbly and allowed her to pull him along.
The kitchen was even louder-glasses clinking and pans clanking and waiters screaming. People rushed around and between them, and the pair race-walked for the backdoor, laughing and holding hands like…like time had turned back or something.
Once they hit the outer door, the wind cut through Lincoln’s worn leather jacket and Veronica’s flimsy sweater. Neither of them was prepared for one last winter cold front.
Flakes started to float out of the sky, disappearing before they hit the ground. At first, there were just a few, but after several minutes, there was more snow white than cloud gray overhead. They stood and stared silently into the heavens, as the air grew even colder and the flakes began to stick and blanket the ground.
Veronica turned and wrapped her hands around his neck and suddenly he was sixteen again-thrilled to be here, pretty sure what she wanted, but terrified that he might have it all wrong. Hesitantly, he reached around her slim waist and drew her near. She looked up and Lincoln dipped his head down, barely brushing his lips against hers. Just enough to feel the warmth of her breath, but not really enough to taste her.
God, he missed that, too!
“Stop here!” Veronica cried out from the passenger seat, her fingers still interlaced with his.
Lincoln looked at her and groaned. A park on the outskirts of Chicago in the midst of a late-winter snowfall was not what he had in mind at the moment.
“Come on, Linc,” Veronica pleaded, “It’ll be fun.”
They ran and kicked up small piles of the freshly fallen snow. It was not enough for a snowman or anything, but they were able to collect and pack a few dirty snowballs, soon facing-off against each other. Neither of them was too careful with their aim and they missed more often than they connected.
“Ow!” Veronica called out, grabbing her left hand.
Lincoln rushed to her side. He carefully inspected her reddened knuckles and then looked down at the dots of blood in the snow. The layer of white was so thin there, that Veronica had scraped her hand across the underlying asphalt in her rush to gather more ammunition. Without hesitation, he lifted her hand to his mouth and licked away the pain.
“Hey, Lincoln!” Stolte called into the cell, reminding Lincoln of exactly where he was. “Don’t worry, you’ll still get your yard time today.”
Lincoln didn’t like the tone he heard in the guard’s voice. It made him feel like the ugly mutt at the animal shelter that no one was going to adopt. He had a feeling the whole day was going to be like that. For once, he longed for solitary-truly solitary-confinement.
As evening had set in that day, he and Veronica made slow, sweet love. He spent the last of his cash on the room and called in sick to work. He told her how quiet his mind was at the time and how good it felt. He reminded them both of all the mistakes he had made in his life and promised to make a new start.
That day he had felt fresh and alive, like his slate had been wiped clean.
His mind was quiet again today, and the sensation was oddly comforting. It swept down and covered his chaotic thoughts like the snow blanketed the ground.
He never did ask Michael how he got home from Veronica’s graduation party.
~~~
3:00 PM
Lincoln walked out into the yard and looked around, over toward gen-pop. No one was outside today. This was one of those days when they kept the inmates indoors-except him. Even with the wind howling, it was deafeningly quiet.
He bent down and tried to rustle up enough snow to pack into a ball. He laughed a little when his knuckles touched the asphalt beneath and gave up the endeavor. He really did not feel much like playing right now, anyway.
Lincoln walked around the perimeter fence a few times, stretching out his long legs like he never really could in his cell. He raked his fingers along the chain link, feeling the cold as he went.
On his third revolution, he slumped back against the wall close to the door, looking up at the sky. Maybe it was a good thing that there was no sun today. That way he wouldn’t miss it when he was gone.
He raised the collar of his jacket and dropped his head lower to cover his ears. It was definitely getting colder and darker outside.
LJ was born on a day like this. That was in April though; surprising snowfalls are more common in April.
T’was Grace that taught my heart to fear
And Grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed
“I can’t believe it,” Lincoln whispered, looking in awe at the bundle in Lisa’s arms. He had never done anything quite this right.
“I can,” Lisa grinned in response.
Lincoln gently extracted one tiny, pink arm from beneath the bulky blanket, and peered at the band on that wrist. “Burrows, boy,” it read. It matched the one on Lincoln’s own wrist, except the baby’s was blue.
The nurse came in with a wheelchair and both of Lisa’s parents glared at him intensely.
“Oh,” Lincoln scrambled, “Let me hold him while you get in the chair.” He looked at her hopefully, “Can I?”
“He’s yours, too,” Lisa’s voice was low, like the conversation was just between them, and Lincoln appreciated her for that more than anything.
Lincoln reached down and gently lifted the baby from her arms. He had held infants before, but never his own. He snuggled down close and grinned at the wrinkly, red thing in his arms. “Hey, LJ, I’m your dad,” he whispered, as he nuzzled against the baby-fine hair and kissed the crinkled forehead. He looked at Lisa with concern, “Are you sure he’s gonna be warm enough in this?”
“There’s another blanket over there if you want,” she sighed. “It won’t hurt him.”
Lincoln walked to the chair and grabbed the extra blanket. He spread it on the bed Lisa had just vacated and wrapped the additional layer around his newborn son. He kissed that wristband one more time before folding it underneath the secondary layer of warmth.
That day, he learned that there were some things worth living for, and some worth dying for.
Staring across the small yard, he knew with certainty that after tonight, LJ would be safe. Yes, some things were definitely worth it.
The door creaked open, so Lincoln wasn’t surprised by the guard’s voice. He stood up before hearing anything else.
“Time’s up, Linc.” Stolte spoke softly, the shackles clinking in his grip.
~~~
6:00 PM
“I came in here a man, give me the strength to walk out of here a man.” Lincoln repeated the mantra over and over again in the dark cell. He lifted his head, and then lowered it into his hands. With every repetition, he gained courage.
The overhead light came on without warning. He squinted and ducked his head as the door opened. It was not that bright, but a day without light or sun left his eyes extra sensitive.
“Sorry, Linc,” Stolte apologized. He held up the supplies in his hands, “I gotta do this.”
“S’ okay,” Lincoln replied, wondering why he was trying to make things easier for the guard. “You’re here late. Short staffed?”
“No,” Stolte tried to smile. He didn’t come anywhere close to meeting Lincoln’s eyes. “I’m staying until the end, Linc.”
Lincoln dropped onto the cot, leaning forward to make easy work of it. It took three fresh razors to complete the job.
He always wore his hair short, but it had been a long time since he shaved his head.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come
T’is Grace that brought me safe thus far
And Grace will lead me home
“Damn, Linc!” Derek slurred, “I can’t believe you let that chick walk away.”
Lincoln was leaning forward with both elbows on the bar. He started to lift the last of four shots to his lips and then set it back down, still full, next to the three empties. He even pushed his beer toward the bartender. “I’m outta here,” he huffed, wiping the excess liquid off his lips.
“Slow down,” Derek laughed, “She ain’t the only one here.”
The bar was always loud on Friday nights, the band had no idea how to wire the amps, and the bass was throbbing in Lincoln’s ears. There was no reason to look around to confirm Derek’s remark; he had left the “Howl at the Moon” with a woman hanging off of him more often than not.
Lincoln stood up quickly, regretting the movement immediately. His head was spinning. “Don’t need this anymore,” he mumbled as he staggered out the door.
That day he learned he had the strength to walk away. And he did. He did not touch another drink or smoke another joint for three weeks. Not until that night.
“Hey,” Stolte said. Lincoln nearly jumped off the cot. “Sorry, Linc. I, um, I got a message for you from Abruzzi.”
“Abruzzi?” Lincoln recovered quickly. “How did he do that?”
“I don’t know,” Stolte shrugged, “I got it from one of his guys. You wanna hear it?”
Lincoln rubbed his hands across his smooth scalp and squinted at the guard. “Uh, yeah, I guess.”
“He said, ‘I’ve got his back.’ That mean your brother?” Stolte looked into Lincoln’s face for the first time all day. It felt good. Human.
Warmth spread through Lincoln and he smiled-one less fear. “Sounds like. So, he’s gonna be back soon?”
“Sounds like,” Stolte mimicked Lincoln’s response. “Thanks for keeping your word, Linc.” He picked up his supplies and walked out.
The door slammed closed and the light went off. The small square remained open. It was the only light seeping into the cell. Lincoln shuddered as the light dimmed off and on for a few seconds.
“I came in here a man, give he the strength to walk out of here a man.” He repeated to himself. He took a slow, deep breath and smiled inwardly. He had it; he had the strength to walk away.
~~~
11:58 PM
When they came for him and led him down that last hallway, Lincoln considered himself the luckiest person on earth. This day he received two more gifts-foresight and calm. He thought those were sure to be his last.
Abruzzi would watch out for Michael until he was released. Nick would watch out for Veronica. He had sworn it to Lincoln on the phone earlier in the evening. And together, they would watch out for LJ until Michael could take over.
Veronica wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear, “I’ve loved you since the first day I saw you.” Her eyes were filled with tears, some slipping out no matter how hard she struggled to keep them in.
The only thing Lincoln regretted right now was not being able to wrap his arms around her and comfort her. She would get past this, he had seen it. She would not forget him, but she would move on.
They strapped his right wrist down just seconds before his left. Lincoln grabbed the wooden armrest in a firm grip. It was not out of fear, just reality. The flashes in his mind were going so fast now, that he needed to know what was the here and now, what was the past, and what was still to come.
When we’ve been here ten thousand years
Bright shining at the sun
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Then when we’ve first begun
Michael strode out the front gate at Fox River, wearing the same handsome suit he had worn at his sentencing hearing. He looked up and grinned, and Veronica and LJ ran up to greet him.
Nick stood in the distance, smiling at all three of them. His hands tucked in his pockets as he leaned against the car, waiting for the trio to get reacquainted.
Lincoln could see them from all different angles now. Michael looked the same, hadn’t aged a day or gained a pound. His hair was a little longer though.
There were subtle changes in LJ’s appearance. His face was slimmer and a little darker. Was that a 5 o’clock shadow? Lincoln got closer to get a better look.
“You look good, LJ,” Michael’s voice was soft and he smiled brightly. “How’s school going?”
“Good,” LJ grinned, “Same as last weekend at visitation when you asked me.”
“Come on guys,” Veronica gently tugged them toward the car. The sun shone brightly, but the wind was still biting out here in the open. “Let’s get Michael a decent meal.”
“So, um,” LJ hesitated. “Do you want me to stay with you?” He looked up and locked eyes with his uncle. “Can I?”
Michael grabbed his nephew into a big hug, holding tightly. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, LJ,” he whispered, scrunching his eyes closed against the tears. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Even though he thought he knew what to expect, the wet sponge shocked Lincoln, and he was in Fox River again. The cold water dripped down, drenching his face and white t-shirt.
The head restraint came next, the guards held his head still and he could hear the screw turning tighter and tighter with each twist, more water dripping down over his face. The chinstrap was pulled taut and buckled securely, keeping his teeth closely clenched.
And he was gone again.
“Yahoo, LJ!” Michael was yelling. He was standing in the middle of a packed auditorium, wearing a tan suit and clapping passionately. Who wears a tan suit, anyway?
“You did it!” Veronica stood close by, screaming as loud as she could. Her voice was nearly gone.
Lincoln panned back a little so he could take in the whole scene. He followed Michael’s eyes to the dais in the front of the huge hall. One after another, maroon-robed figures crossed the platform and shook hands with an official. Each moved the tassel from one side of their mortarboard to the other.
“Way to go, LJ!” Nick’s voice made Lincoln sweep in for a closer look.
LJ smiled meekly toward the voices in the audience as he accepted his diploma. Lincoln squinted to see the print on it: “Bachelor of Science, Mathematics. Loyola University, Chicago.”
Lincoln grinned from ear to ear. Who would have guessed it, but sure enough, that was his boy up there.
He heard the drape sliding across the viewing room window before he opened his eyes. He struggled to control his breaths. Just because his mind had reached acceptance did not mean his body had, and he wanted to be strong for them now, when they needed to feel his strength the most.
Lincoln looked from his brother to his love. They were both distraught and he wanted more than anything to quell their fears. He watched the tears streak down Veronica’s face, and silently willed God to allow her to see all the things he had seen today.
He had seen life.
Veronica walked into her office and let out a deep breath. She unzipped the long, black robe and hung it on the hook behind her door. She moved around and adjusted the huge leather chair so she could sink behind one of those thick mahogany desks Lincoln had only seen during plea agreements.
Lincoln watched from nearby and smiled. Her eyes still shined, but there were tiny crinkles beside them. Her hair draped across her shoulders with just the slightest hint of gray framing her face.
The door flew open with a thud and a little boy, no more than five, and a little girl, eight, maybe, came flying into the room.
“Mommy! Mommy!” They screamed in unison. Both voices were too high-pitched to be easy on the ears.
“My babies!” Veronica called out, pushing away from her desk and holding her arms out wide as the children slid into them.
“Love you, mommy!” They nestled in close.
And then Lincoln got to see that smile again, the one he loved so much, the one that made her eyes look even bigger.
“Love you, too, sweeties,” she whispered into their ears as she hugged. “Love you, too.”
Lincoln was grateful when the cloth was dropped over his face. He still could not slow down his breathing, but he could not hold back his smile either. And smiling would have scared them, he was sure of that.
He saw it all clearly now.
His job was done.
He could go home.
And he was ready.
~~~
1201 AM
Lincoln had thought he had been given all the gifts he would receive, but he was wrong. He received one more gift. That day he learned peace.
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see…
-The End-