like i am imprisoned (Kate/Ben, PG-13)
Title: like i am imprisoned
Fandom: LOST
Characters: Kate/Ben
Rating: PG-13 (spoilers for The End)
Word Count: 719
Summary: Ben brings Kate the bad news. (for 30_rock_office , requested here. Also part of the Playing With Matches 'verse)
Every time the doorbell rings, Kate's heart catches in her throat, and she thinks this time, this time it will be him. Every time the door opens, it drops right back into her stomach, because as much as she wants them to be, Sawyer and Carole and the door-to-door salesman and the pizza delivery boy are not Jack.
It's months before she stops hoping, before her heart is so dizzy from the up and down, up and down, that it settles back in her chest.
And then Ben Linus has to rip it back out.
He doesn't ring the bell, preferring two sharp knocks followed by heavy silence. For a moment that feels like eternity she finds that every muscle in her body has frozen, and she can do nothing but stare at him fidgeting on her doorstep.
"Can I come in?" Ben finally says, no exchange of hellos or questions or oh hey, you made it out alive's. She nods numbly and he follows her into the living room. The house is silent, with Claire and Aaron off at the beach with his grandmother.
Kate lowers herself stiffly onto the couch, and Ben remains standing. He speaks gently, tells her they found Jack, gave him a proper burial. He, Ben says. Him. His body. Because somehow he knows, knows she would shatter at the sound of his name.
She stumbles into the kitchen, makes him coffee to keep her hands busy, to keep away her fists from his jaw and her nails from his throat. She gives it to him black and boiling, and he drinks it down, quietly accepting her need to hurt him, her need for it to be somebody's fault.
"I'm sorry, Kate," he says, and she swallows, mouth dry, her own mug sitting untouched on the table.
And as much as she wants to hate him, to blame him, she says, "I forgive you."
Because Kate's never been good at forgiving herself.
-
Sometimes she dreams of him, her own personal harbinger of doom. He always knocks twice, and she opens the door to find Ben lurking between the trees, smiling mirthlessly. "Look at the mess we've made of things."
"No," she says, fingers clenching the doorknob like a weapon, "No. This is all you, Ben," and the words taste hot and bitter on her tongue.
She doesn't run, doesn't slam the door in his face. Instead she builds things, walls to protect her son and Ji Yeon and others like them, walls that Ben breaks, and they continue like this forever. Build and break, up and down, no one to fix their mess, no one to stop them from burning the jungle to the ground.
"I'm sorry," he tells her over and over, like he needs someone to hate him, and for reasons she can't fathom, he needs it to be her.
Ash and plaster rain down on their heads, coloring their hair white. "I forgive you."
-
At the sound of two hollow thuds, Kate lets out a breath that feels like it's been locked away in her chest for years. Ben looks like she knew he would, thin and aged and apologetic, his smudged glasses sliding halfway down his nose.
"Come in," she sighs, and leads him into the living room, the path all too familiar. He starts to stutter, and can't quite bring himself to say the word "body," Aaron was a good boy, Aaron took care of his friends, Aaron did-
"Ben." He sets his glasses on the coffee table and rubs his eyes, looking as old and tired as she sounds. "Stop." Kate won't let herself fall apart, not now, not in front of Ben. When Claire comes home she will cry as she breaks down her delusions, her denial of what Kate always knew, of what Ben had always told her would happen.
Ben touches her, and Kate kisses him, both burying their hands in ashy hair, pulling and pushing, building and breaking. This is how they punish themselves, by taking things that aren't his, by letting him steal everything that belongs to her. They revel in the hurt, the reminder of their shared sins.
"I'm not sorry," Ben mutters, mouth on her throat, the places where her heart used to live.
"I hate you," Kate lies in return.
Fandom: LOST
Characters: Kate/Ben
Rating: PG-13 (spoilers for The End)
Word Count: 719
Summary: Ben brings Kate the bad news. (for 30_rock_office , requested here. Also part of the Playing With Matches 'verse)
Every time the doorbell rings, Kate's heart catches in her throat, and she thinks this time, this time it will be him. Every time the door opens, it drops right back into her stomach, because as much as she wants them to be, Sawyer and Carole and the door-to-door salesman and the pizza delivery boy are not Jack.
It's months before she stops hoping, before her heart is so dizzy from the up and down, up and down, that it settles back in her chest.
And then Ben Linus has to rip it back out.
He doesn't ring the bell, preferring two sharp knocks followed by heavy silence. For a moment that feels like eternity she finds that every muscle in her body has frozen, and she can do nothing but stare at him fidgeting on her doorstep.
"Can I come in?" Ben finally says, no exchange of hellos or questions or oh hey, you made it out alive's. She nods numbly and he follows her into the living room. The house is silent, with Claire and Aaron off at the beach with his grandmother.
Kate lowers herself stiffly onto the couch, and Ben remains standing. He speaks gently, tells her they found Jack, gave him a proper burial. He, Ben says. Him. His body. Because somehow he knows, knows she would shatter at the sound of his name.
She stumbles into the kitchen, makes him coffee to keep her hands busy, to keep away her fists from his jaw and her nails from his throat. She gives it to him black and boiling, and he drinks it down, quietly accepting her need to hurt him, her need for it to be somebody's fault.
"I'm sorry, Kate," he says, and she swallows, mouth dry, her own mug sitting untouched on the table.
And as much as she wants to hate him, to blame him, she says, "I forgive you."
Because Kate's never been good at forgiving herself.
-
Sometimes she dreams of him, her own personal harbinger of doom. He always knocks twice, and she opens the door to find Ben lurking between the trees, smiling mirthlessly. "Look at the mess we've made of things."
"No," she says, fingers clenching the doorknob like a weapon, "No. This is all you, Ben," and the words taste hot and bitter on her tongue.
She doesn't run, doesn't slam the door in his face. Instead she builds things, walls to protect her son and Ji Yeon and others like them, walls that Ben breaks, and they continue like this forever. Build and break, up and down, no one to fix their mess, no one to stop them from burning the jungle to the ground.
"I'm sorry," he tells her over and over, like he needs someone to hate him, and for reasons she can't fathom, he needs it to be her.
Ash and plaster rain down on their heads, coloring their hair white. "I forgive you."
-
At the sound of two hollow thuds, Kate lets out a breath that feels like it's been locked away in her chest for years. Ben looks like she knew he would, thin and aged and apologetic, his smudged glasses sliding halfway down his nose.
"Come in," she sighs, and leads him into the living room, the path all too familiar. He starts to stutter, and can't quite bring himself to say the word "body," Aaron was a good boy, Aaron took care of his friends, Aaron did-
"Ben." He sets his glasses on the coffee table and rubs his eyes, looking as old and tired as she sounds. "Stop." Kate won't let herself fall apart, not now, not in front of Ben. When Claire comes home she will cry as she breaks down her delusions, her denial of what Kate always knew, of what Ben had always told her would happen.
Ben touches her, and Kate kisses him, both burying their hands in ashy hair, pulling and pushing, building and breaking. This is how they punish themselves, by taking things that aren't his, by letting him steal everything that belongs to her. They revel in the hurt, the reminder of their shared sins.
"I'm not sorry," Ben mutters, mouth on her throat, the places where her heart used to live.
"I hate you," Kate lies in return.