Fic: All I Ever Wanted (CM: JJ/Emily) (5/7)
Title: All I Ever Wanted (5/7)
Disclaimer: Not my characters, not used for profit.
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: JJ/Emily
Rating: PG
Summary: JJ's well-earned vacation doesn't quite go to plan.
Author's Note: This is unbeta'd, so apologies in advance for any typos. Comments and criticism welcome.
Spoilers: Up to and including 3:10 Birthright
Archiving: If P&P wants it, great. All others, please ask.
Cross-posted to cm_femslash
Part 1 * Part 2 * Part 3 * Part 4
* * *
JJ spent the rest of that long, miserable weekend stewing over her discovery.
Around and around she went, analyzing every aspect of what she had learned from Betsey. Again and again, she came to the same conclusions: She knew Betsey was almost certainly telling the truth about Strauss placing Emily into BAU. Emily wanted to be in the BAU. Strauss would certainly expect something in return. Strauss clearly had it in for Hotch. Therefore, Emily would pay back her favor by feeding her information on Hotch. It was simple, obvious, and... incredibly painful for JJ to consider.
Of course, they hadn't seen much of Strauss lately. But maybe Strauss had backed off since then because she knew she had someone in place, and could afford to bide her time. Oh, god, JJ thought. It all made perfect, twisted sense.
JJ's one lingering, fading shred of hope was that Betsey was wrong about Strauss actually successfully planning and pulling something like this previously. It seemed so... over the top, and unnecessary. This whole house of cards relied on Strauss actually being willing to go this far to get what she wanted. JJ did certainly recall the unexpected shake-up in White Collar Crime, so she would see what Garcia could find out about it.
She wished she could just call Emily and find out directly. But how could she? If this whole sickening scenario was true, then she didn't dare let Emily know she was aware of her double role. And if it wasn't... God, she wished that were the case. But right now, all the evidence pointed to a simple, frighteningly believable scenario. Strauss appoints Emily, so Emily helps out Strauss.
It made for a long, depressing two days.
* * *
Monday, after an agonizing weekend spent alternating between desperate efforts to believe in Emily's innocence and despair at the apparent inevitability of the truth, JJ popped into Garcia's office to get what verification she could.
"Hey, Garcia," she said. "Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure, the goddess is at your disposal," Garcia said cheerfully.
"Well, it's not really case related, so if you can't get the info, that's okay," JJ began.
"Can't get the info? Ha!" interjected Garcia.
JJ gave her a tired smile. "I was out with Betsey Friday night," JJ rolled her eyes and nodded at Garcia's sympathetic groan, "Yeah she caught me going out the door. Anyway, she told me this story about White Collar Crimes that I'm having trouble..." JJ trailed off, as Garcia had already started nodding. "What, you know about this?" JJ asked.
"Girlfriend, no need to go any further. I just can't believe you didn't know it! Wow, I guess sometimes I am kind of discreet. Anyway, since I'm only corroborating -- I presume that Betsey spilled about the Strauss Bomb? She forces in Ross, Ross takes out Brubaker, Ross takes over the division."
"Where did you hear it?"
"Well, I won't reveal my sources, but I will say that as far as it's possible, I verified it."
"Doesn't it seem a little over the top? I mean, it's just the FBI, it's not like..."
"I know, crazy. But I guess if this is all you got..."
JJ nodded wearily. Just what she didn't want to hear. Not only was Strauss capable of organizing something like planting Emily in the BAU -- she already had successfully done it to another division.
Garcia noticed the change in JJ's demeanor.
"Hey, girl, I know it's sad for Brubaker, but honestly, he was no prize..."
"What? Oh, no... I mean..." JJ visibly cheered herself up, "Anyway, how was your weekend?"
JJ was faced with the unpalatable truth. She had looked at it every way possible, and while she wanted not to believe -- she didn't have that luxury. If Betsey was right, and JJ was afraid she was, the woman she had been getting to know was just an illusion.
* * *
Emily noticed almost immediately that JJ had kept to her office all morning, only coming out for a visit to Garcia. While JJ working hard was not particularly news, she was usually out more often than this. And lately, a stop at Emily's desk had become a regular part of her daily routine.
Finally, Emily found a reasonable excuse for going up into JJ's office. Not that I need one, she thought defensively. We're friends, I can just stop by to see how she's doing.
JJ's door was open, so Emily knocked lightly on the door frame to get the other woman's attention.
JJ looked up briefly, and Emily saw something flicker in the blonde's eyes, but it was gone too quickly for her to interpret.
JJ's usual pleasant smile appeared briefly as she glanced up at the woman, before looking down at her case files again. "Hey. What can I do for you?"
"I wondered if you still had the back up documents for the Edmundson case - I need to clarify a few details before I can finish my report."
JJ shuffled through the stacks of files on her desk and unearthed the file in question, and handed it over to Emily wordlessly.
There was a brief, slightly uncomfortable pause, and then Emily said, "So, how was your weekend?"
"Oh, it was fine. I ran errands, you know, stuff like that," the blonde said vaguely. Still shuffling papers, she glanced up at Emily again, and then after a moment, as if the words were being forced out of her, said, "How about you? How's your mother?"
"She's fine. It was the usual dog and pony show -- I was just there for window-dressing," said Emily.
JJ looked down, moving some papers on her desk, not really looking at Emily. The conversation ground to a halt again.
Emily felt strange undercurrents flowing through the office, but was unable to pin down what was wrong.
"Well, okay, maybe I'll see you later?" she said slowly.
"Sure," said JJ, with a distracted smile and barely a glance up at the brunette in her doorway.
"Alright," said Emily, completely bewildered now, as she turned and left.
* * *
Emily walked thoughtfully back to her desk, a tiny crease between her brows. JJ had been perfectly pleasant, but... Recently, a visit to JJ's office lasted until one of them realized just how long Emily had been there. And they always had plenty to talk about. They had never -- not even when they first met each other -- had such an awkward, limping conversation as that.
What the hell? thought Emily, in confusion. She didn't usually have to employ her profiling skills in her personal life, but this was just baffling.
And then it hit her. JJ had been avoiding her eyes for the entire conversation. Which was... unusual, to say the least. So what on earth was making JJ want to avoid eye contact?
Was JJ mad at her? Because she had to go out of town this week? That was just... silly. And not like JJ at all.
There was something else about that conversation, she thought, now sitting at her desk, staring fiercely at her computer screen.
Holy shit, she nearly said out loud, as she sat up straight in her chair. That was JJ's press conference face and voice. She was talking to me like I was a complete stranger.
And again, she wondered in complete confusion, What the hell?
* * *
JJ slumped over her desk, dropping her head into her hands. God, that was awful, she thought miserably.
She had tried to brace herself all weekend for that first meeting. She had reminded herself constantly that the other woman was a mole for Strauss and tried to work up some righteous anger. But all for nothing. Her visceral attraction to the brunette was so strong it was as if nothing had happened. She wanted nothing more than to somehow forget what she knew and go back to that happy pre-Betsey place, rife with possibilities. Now that her very friendship with Emily hung in the balance, her previous fretting about anything more seemed silly.
It had been almost impossibly hard to maintain that cheery but impersonal demeanor. Part of her wanted to shout at Emily, and find out just what the hell made her think it was a good idea to cut a deal with Strauss. Part of her, when she saw the tiny crease in Emily's forehead, and the look of confusion, wanted to apologize and make it all better. JJ knew that for all that Emily had acted as if she had enjoyed the weekend, it must have been hard for her to spend the days with her mother. JJ wanted to be supportive, and find out how it really went, and ask her all the questions she knew the other woman was expecting. To have gotten up, as she usually might, and lean on the end of her desk so she was closer to the brunette. To put a hand out, and rub it along Emily's arm, to show her she was sympathetic about the trials of dealing with a family that just didn't understand you.
JJ couldn't decide what was worse: the look of sad confusion on Emily's face, the knowledge that she had put it there, or the fact that she still cared so much.
* * *
Emily had eventually decided that maybe JJ was just ... busy. She didn't really believe it, but she had no alternative that was better. So she decided to give JJ the benefit of the doubt.
But she was soon proven wrong. JJ had finally emerged from her office, and was interacting just fine with the rest of the team. Just not with Emily.
The first time it happened was that afternoon. JJ came into the bullpen with a file for Reid. She didn't particularly linger, but she seemed reasonably chatty with Reid; stopped for a moment to say "hello" to Morgan on her way by his desk; and completely ignored Emily. Well, not completely, but practically.
Emily had been watching JJ's progress across the room expectantly, waiting for JJ's usual visit to cap off her tour of the desks. When JJ instead turned her head toward Emily, offered up a quick "Hi" and left, Emily was nonplussed, to say the very least.
Again, she thanked her years of being a diplomat's child for providing her with what she hoped -- desperately, desperately hoped -- was an unruffled and pleasant demeanor.
Emily hadn't felt this way since she first joined the team. In those early days, she had hidden behind a facade of cool professionalism. She could tell that the team was wary at best about her skills as a profiler, and still felt obvious loyalty to the agent she had replaced. It wasn't until after a few weeks that she began to really interact with the other members. She'd even managed to overcome her rough start with Reid.
So it hurt something, deep inside, to feel like she had to crawl back into her protective shell, now that JJ was treating her like a virtual stranger. She just prayed nobody else could see the pain and bewilderment she was feeling.
* * *
Late Wednesday afternoon, after two more days of the same distant treatment, Emily finally had had enough.
Muttering something indistinct, she headed out of the bullpen and down to JJ's office. She knocked lightly on JJ's door frame, to announce her presence
"Hey, what's up," asked JJ, glancing up briefly with a friendly but bland smile before once becoming once more engrossed in the paper on her desk.
Emily looked at JJ for a long moment. Her silence eventually caused JJ to glance up again, and what she saw apparently got her attention, since JJ didn't look down again.
"Is something wrong?" asked Emily, finally.
"What?" said JJ, forcing a look of polite confusion onto her face.
"Did I do something to upset you?"
"No, of course not," replied JJ.
"You've just seemed a little distant," said Emily.
"What? No, I've just been really busy," JJ said with another of her professional smiles, although she couldn't hide the bit of discomfort that showed in her eyes.
Bullshit, thought Emily, bitterly. "Well, up for a raincheck of last weekend's dinner?" she asked, with her own false smile. "My turn to pick, remember."
JJ fixed a look of dismay on her face. "I'm sorry, Emily, but I have something else I have to do," she said with a polite look of dismissal.
Emily looked at JJ consideringly; watching as a faint, tell-tale blush rose below the other woman's fair skin. "Yeah, that's too bad," Emily replied, as insincerely as JJ's refusal.
She thought about pushing it further, but not here, not at the office. But she couldn't help herself from one parting shot as she stalked out the door. "You know, JJ, you're a terrible liar."
And with that, she turned on her heel, and stalked back to the bullpen.
* * *
Emily had no idea what the problem was, and thus no idea how to fix it, and that made it all somehow worse. She had tried asking JJ directly; and that had failed. Now she was left to wonder what had happened, watching as a relationship she had had such high hopes for abruptly came to a halt. She tried to maintain her usual friendly demeanor, but she felt confused, and saddened, and hollow inside. Emily's only defense was to retreat within herself, locking away the hurt and confusion someplace deep inside where she didn't have to dwell on it.
Emily didn't trust easily, and to have this relationship blow up in her face -- for no reason that she could see -- was like a gut shot. To have their relationship -- even if it was nothing more than friendship, even if it never came to more than that -- come crashing down around her hurt like nothing had in a long time.
She was spending long, restless nights, trying to figure out what could have happened over the weekend. Her bewilderment had slipped seamlessly into sadness.
Work was no better. Every time she saw JJ -- and got Agent Jareau instead of the woman she had been getting to know better -- it was like a fresh slap in the face. What on earth could have happened to make JJ stay away from her, when obviously it was clearly upsetting them both? She just couldn't understand it.
The only thing she could imagine couldn't be true, could it? The one thing that had, in the past, caused someone to literally end a friendship with her. But JJ wasn't like that, was she?
Emily forced herself to dispassionately compare JJ's reaction with that time in Cleveland. Emily, younger then, and more naive, had told a supposed friend in the office about the woman she had been dating at the time. The reaction, looking back, was very similar to what she was seeing from JJ -- a complete freeze out, while pretending there was nothing wrong.
Emily sighed heavily and dropped her head into her hands. Had she done something to tip off JJ; something that let the other woman know that she was interested in more than friendship? And now JJ was freaking out?
Emily tried to look on the bright side. If this really was the problem -- if JJ was so homophobic that she couldn't stand to be around Emily -- surely she'd be able to get over her attraction to the other woman easily enough. You keep telling yourself that, mocked her brain.
If only she knew what had happened!
Which left Emily back where she started, with her familiar refrain: What the hell?
* * *
JJ was doing no better. She was making a sizable dent in her wine collection, spending far too much time sitting in her dark living room, staring into space.
Her plan to just ignore Emily until she got over being so attracted to her was going about as well as she could have expected -- which is to say, it was failing miserably.
Every time she saw Emily, she experienced the same exhausting series of emotions: the initial, involuntary thrill of excitement and attraction; the rush of despair when she remembered what Emily had done; the disappointment in herself at not being able to get over it; and the deep, nagging concern that she might never get over it.
She was exhausted from her mental merry-go-round, and incredibly conflicted about what to do. Emily, after her visit on Wednesday, was ignoring JJ, as well. Of course, JJ was so perverse that she was actually disappointed by it.
The idea of working with Emily while nursing an unrequited crush had seemed so terrible; but it was infinitely better than harboring a helpless attraction for someone when you should certainly know better.
* * *
By the weekend, Emily was finally getting angry. At first she had thought that maybe she had done something wrong. But an obsessive review didn't show anything that merited the cold shoulder she was getting. And she had had about enough. Screw that. I'm past this high school crap. I deserve to know what the hell is wrong, she thought fiercely.
After brooding all day, Saturday evening Emily drove to JJ's house. JJ had claimed to have made other plans, but Emily would bet her last paycheck that JJ was just sitting at home.
Sure enough, Emily could see JJ's car in the driveway as she strode to the front door and knocked. There was a momentary delay, and then she could hear steps inside. She could feel the pause on the other side of the door as JJ registered her presence. And then the door swung open, and JJ was standing there.
"Emily?" JJ said, obviously surprised. "Is everything okay?" she asked with concern, obviously thinking it must be a work crisis.
"Everything's fine," Emily assured.
There was a pause. JJ still seemed stunned to see Emily standing on her doorstep.
"Can I come in for minute?" Emily finally asked.
JJ started. "Oh, um, sure, come on in," she finally said, to Emily's ears clearly reluctant to talk to her.
What could be so bad that she can't even stand to be alone with me? wondered Emily -- a part of her afraid she already knew.
"So, uh, what brings you to my neck of the woods," JJ asked as they walked through to her living room. JJ turned on the lights -- obviously she had been sitting in the dark -- and she gestured to Emily to take a seat in the living room.
Emily debated, and then sat on the couch -- she could see a wine glass and figured that's where JJ had been sitting. She was not surprised when JJ took the chair as far from her as possible.
"JJ, what's wrong?" Emily finally asked bluntly.
JJ had apparently been expecting something along these lines, because she didn't look surprised.
"Emily, I don't know what you..."
"JJ, cut the crap. Look, I get that you don't want to spend time with me any more," said Emily forcefully. "Hell, I think all of the BAU knows that too," she said bitterly. "I just want to know why -- I think you owe me that much."
JJ clearly hadn't expected such a direct approach. Something indefinable flickered across her face, and she hesitated for a moment before she said, "Really, Emily, I don't know what you're talking about."
Emily looked at her. "Is it that I had to go spend the weekend with my mother, and had to cancel our da... dinner plans?" God, she had nearly said date.
JJ looked horrified at the idea that Emily thought she could be that petty. "No, of course not, I know you had to go."
"Then what? Friday when I left, everything was fine. I come back Monday morning, it's like we've never met," she said. Actually, it was worse than if they had never met; because if they'd never met, she wouldn't know what she was missing. Knowing what it was like to be close to JJ, and then having it taken away? That was much, much worse.
Emily stared inquiringly at JJ.
JJ couldn't believe Emily was pushing this so hard. "Look, Emily, I'm sorry it seems like things have changed, but I've just been busy at work, and..." JJ trailed off, in the face of Emily's look of disbelief.
Emily stood up, too agitated to sit any more. "So busy sitting here alone with a glass of wine that we couldn't go to dinner tonight? Give me some credit. You're not too busy to talk to Reid, or Morgan, or Garcia. You're only too busy to talk to me."
JJ sat silently; unable to deny the obvious, and unwilling to lie any more.
"Did someone say something?" Emily stopped, looking at the other woman intently. JJ was good at controlling her feelings, but something had flickered across her face. "Wait, someone said something about me? Jesus Christ, JJ..." Emily's voice trailed off.
God, I hate profilers, thought JJ despairingly. Clearly she hadn't been able to hide her reaction when Emily's words triggered a response, since it was Betsey who had started this whole disaster. JJ stubbornly kept her silence, looking down at the table.
"I thought we were getting to be good friends," said Emily. Her throat constricted as she did the math. JJ had just as good as admitted that someone had told her something, and now JJ was reluctant to even be alone with her. God, could it be any clearer? She had forgotten what a small town the FBI could be when people were sharing gossip -- and JJ had connections everywhere, because of her job as their press liaison
"Is it..." Emily had to clear her throat, "Is it because I'm gay?"
JJ looked like she had been slapped. She just stared at Emily, stunned. If JJ thought things were bad before, now they had managed to get worse. It wasn't enough that Emily was betraying the entire team; no, now, NOW, she would find out she had actually had a chance with Emily. Brilliant, brilliant timing.
Emily's face had drained of color as she took in the look of shock that broke across JJ's expressive face. Emily felt almost light-headed. "That's it, isn't it. Someone told you I'm gay, and now you can't stand to be around me."
JJ realized what Emily was saying and leaped up. "NO, no, that's not it! I didn't even know you were gay," she said, defensively.
But Emily was pacing, not listening, "Oh, my god, I can't believe it, it's ridiculous, I thought people were past this."
JJ tried to interrupt, "Emily, no, of course that's not it..." but Emily was on a roll and couldn't be stopped.
"God, it explains everything, why you seem uncomfortable around me, the way you reacted to those women at the club," Emily continued.
JJ couldn't believe how this was getting out of hand, and finally shouted: "I found out about Strauss, okay?"
That brought Emily to a stop, and she spun around in amazement. The two women stared at each other in silence.
"You found out about Strauss?" Emily said blankly.
"Yes. I found out that Strauss put you into the BAU so you could spy on us and break up the unit." JJ held her breath unconsciously. This was the big moment -- now she would finally find out if it was true. She prayed that Emily would stare at her blankly, and ask her what she was smoking. She, Emily, would never work for Strauss. Surely JJ knew that?
But Emily's next words shattered JJ's hopes, and her heart.
"How did you find out about that?" asked Emily in bewilderment.
"Oh my god," said JJ, feeling as though she had just been punched in in the stomach. She actually took a half step back, as if it had been a physical blow.
JJ hadn't realized until just this moment how much she had believed that there must be some explanation. That it was a mistake. Something. To hear Emily admit it was true -- and so casually, like it was nothing -- was devastating. And the best way to deal with all that hurt was to channel it into anger, so she could ignore the pain.
"You wanted BAU so much that you were willing to betray us all? Take down Hotch? God, Emily, how could you?"
Emily, meanwhile, had finally caught up with conversation. It wasn't about her being gay. It was about Strauss. She had thought that only she, Hotch and Strauss knew about that horrible time.
Now Emily seemed to really hear what JJ was saying. She raised both her hands, and looked at JJ. "Wait a minute. You found out that Strauss arranged for me to join the BAU. And you believe that I would sell out the BAU to Strauss?" Emily asked, with disbelief in her voice.
"You just admitted it. What am I supposed to believe?"
"You're supposed to believe that I wouldn't do that!" said Emily, with hurt in her voice. She was stunned that JJ could believe her capable of something so calculating, so cold. Didn't JJ know her at all?
JJ stood her ground silently, staring accusingly at Emily.
After a moment, Emily continued. "You think that I would take a job knowing I'd have to betray everyone I was going to be working with," Emily asked, in a curiously dispassionate voice, as if she were simply confirming facts for a case.
"Tell me what else I'm supposed to think," JJ said, stubbornly, crossing her arms.
Emily looked at JJ for a long moment. She had stopped pacing, and now just stood there, unmoving. She tried hard to maintain her diplomat face, but she felt a sense of defeat seeping through her entire body. She felt awash in an indescribable mix of sorrow and pain and hurt and betrayal.
"You're supposed to know me well enough to know that I'd never, ever betray my friends," Emily said quietly. "You're supposed to believe in me, at least a little," Emily's voice sounded hollow.
"Emily -- look at the facts! Strauss parachutes you in; you owe her a favor; she hates Hotch. She's done it before! You have to admit, it makes sense," pointed JJ, with what Emily had to admit was inescapable logic. "I don't want to believe it, but..."
"I just thought you knew me better. But if you can believe me capable of this, then obviously I was wrong."
"Just tell me it's not true," JJ said, now pleading.
Emily rubbed her face in her hands. She was tired, so tired, of having people assume that because her mother played politics, she did, too. She had really hoped for better from JJ, and to be proven wrong...
"You want the truth? Ask Hotch, since you obviously don't trust me. I just can't believe I thought... Well, I guess we weren't even very good friends, if it's so easy for you to think the worst of me." Emily's voice was flat, and her face a frozen mask, but her eyes -- her eyes were anything but emotionless.
Those expressive dark eyes were showing enough devastation and pain that without realizing she was even doing it, JJ reached out, involuntarily, to provide comfort. Anything to get rid of that look.
"Emily?" JJ asked uncertainly.
Emily gave JJ one more glance, filled with pain, before she simply said, "Goodbye JJ," with an air of finality, and walked out.
* * *
Disclaimer: Not my characters, not used for profit.
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: JJ/Emily
Rating: PG
Summary: JJ's well-earned vacation doesn't quite go to plan.
Author's Note: This is unbeta'd, so apologies in advance for any typos. Comments and criticism welcome.
Spoilers: Up to and including 3:10 Birthright
Archiving: If P&P wants it, great. All others, please ask.
Cross-posted to cm_femslash
Part 1 * Part 2 * Part 3 * Part 4
* * *
JJ spent the rest of that long, miserable weekend stewing over her discovery.
Around and around she went, analyzing every aspect of what she had learned from Betsey. Again and again, she came to the same conclusions: She knew Betsey was almost certainly telling the truth about Strauss placing Emily into BAU. Emily wanted to be in the BAU. Strauss would certainly expect something in return. Strauss clearly had it in for Hotch. Therefore, Emily would pay back her favor by feeding her information on Hotch. It was simple, obvious, and... incredibly painful for JJ to consider.
Of course, they hadn't seen much of Strauss lately. But maybe Strauss had backed off since then because she knew she had someone in place, and could afford to bide her time. Oh, god, JJ thought. It all made perfect, twisted sense.
JJ's one lingering, fading shred of hope was that Betsey was wrong about Strauss actually successfully planning and pulling something like this previously. It seemed so... over the top, and unnecessary. This whole house of cards relied on Strauss actually being willing to go this far to get what she wanted. JJ did certainly recall the unexpected shake-up in White Collar Crime, so she would see what Garcia could find out about it.
She wished she could just call Emily and find out directly. But how could she? If this whole sickening scenario was true, then she didn't dare let Emily know she was aware of her double role. And if it wasn't... God, she wished that were the case. But right now, all the evidence pointed to a simple, frighteningly believable scenario. Strauss appoints Emily, so Emily helps out Strauss.
It made for a long, depressing two days.
* * *
Monday, after an agonizing weekend spent alternating between desperate efforts to believe in Emily's innocence and despair at the apparent inevitability of the truth, JJ popped into Garcia's office to get what verification she could.
"Hey, Garcia," she said. "Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure, the goddess is at your disposal," Garcia said cheerfully.
"Well, it's not really case related, so if you can't get the info, that's okay," JJ began.
"Can't get the info? Ha!" interjected Garcia.
JJ gave her a tired smile. "I was out with Betsey Friday night," JJ rolled her eyes and nodded at Garcia's sympathetic groan, "Yeah she caught me going out the door. Anyway, she told me this story about White Collar Crimes that I'm having trouble..." JJ trailed off, as Garcia had already started nodding. "What, you know about this?" JJ asked.
"Girlfriend, no need to go any further. I just can't believe you didn't know it! Wow, I guess sometimes I am kind of discreet. Anyway, since I'm only corroborating -- I presume that Betsey spilled about the Strauss Bomb? She forces in Ross, Ross takes out Brubaker, Ross takes over the division."
"Where did you hear it?"
"Well, I won't reveal my sources, but I will say that as far as it's possible, I verified it."
"Doesn't it seem a little over the top? I mean, it's just the FBI, it's not like..."
"I know, crazy. But I guess if this is all you got..."
JJ nodded wearily. Just what she didn't want to hear. Not only was Strauss capable of organizing something like planting Emily in the BAU -- she already had successfully done it to another division.
Garcia noticed the change in JJ's demeanor.
"Hey, girl, I know it's sad for Brubaker, but honestly, he was no prize..."
"What? Oh, no... I mean..." JJ visibly cheered herself up, "Anyway, how was your weekend?"
JJ was faced with the unpalatable truth. She had looked at it every way possible, and while she wanted not to believe -- she didn't have that luxury. If Betsey was right, and JJ was afraid she was, the woman she had been getting to know was just an illusion.
* * *
Emily noticed almost immediately that JJ had kept to her office all morning, only coming out for a visit to Garcia. While JJ working hard was not particularly news, she was usually out more often than this. And lately, a stop at Emily's desk had become a regular part of her daily routine.
Finally, Emily found a reasonable excuse for going up into JJ's office. Not that I need one, she thought defensively. We're friends, I can just stop by to see how she's doing.
JJ's door was open, so Emily knocked lightly on the door frame to get the other woman's attention.
JJ looked up briefly, and Emily saw something flicker in the blonde's eyes, but it was gone too quickly for her to interpret.
JJ's usual pleasant smile appeared briefly as she glanced up at the woman, before looking down at her case files again. "Hey. What can I do for you?"
"I wondered if you still had the back up documents for the Edmundson case - I need to clarify a few details before I can finish my report."
JJ shuffled through the stacks of files on her desk and unearthed the file in question, and handed it over to Emily wordlessly.
There was a brief, slightly uncomfortable pause, and then Emily said, "So, how was your weekend?"
"Oh, it was fine. I ran errands, you know, stuff like that," the blonde said vaguely. Still shuffling papers, she glanced up at Emily again, and then after a moment, as if the words were being forced out of her, said, "How about you? How's your mother?"
"She's fine. It was the usual dog and pony show -- I was just there for window-dressing," said Emily.
JJ looked down, moving some papers on her desk, not really looking at Emily. The conversation ground to a halt again.
Emily felt strange undercurrents flowing through the office, but was unable to pin down what was wrong.
"Well, okay, maybe I'll see you later?" she said slowly.
"Sure," said JJ, with a distracted smile and barely a glance up at the brunette in her doorway.
"Alright," said Emily, completely bewildered now, as she turned and left.
* * *
Emily walked thoughtfully back to her desk, a tiny crease between her brows. JJ had been perfectly pleasant, but... Recently, a visit to JJ's office lasted until one of them realized just how long Emily had been there. And they always had plenty to talk about. They had never -- not even when they first met each other -- had such an awkward, limping conversation as that.
What the hell? thought Emily, in confusion. She didn't usually have to employ her profiling skills in her personal life, but this was just baffling.
And then it hit her. JJ had been avoiding her eyes for the entire conversation. Which was... unusual, to say the least. So what on earth was making JJ want to avoid eye contact?
Was JJ mad at her? Because she had to go out of town this week? That was just... silly. And not like JJ at all.
There was something else about that conversation, she thought, now sitting at her desk, staring fiercely at her computer screen.
Holy shit, she nearly said out loud, as she sat up straight in her chair. That was JJ's press conference face and voice. She was talking to me like I was a complete stranger.
And again, she wondered in complete confusion, What the hell?
* * *
JJ slumped over her desk, dropping her head into her hands. God, that was awful, she thought miserably.
She had tried to brace herself all weekend for that first meeting. She had reminded herself constantly that the other woman was a mole for Strauss and tried to work up some righteous anger. But all for nothing. Her visceral attraction to the brunette was so strong it was as if nothing had happened. She wanted nothing more than to somehow forget what she knew and go back to that happy pre-Betsey place, rife with possibilities. Now that her very friendship with Emily hung in the balance, her previous fretting about anything more seemed silly.
It had been almost impossibly hard to maintain that cheery but impersonal demeanor. Part of her wanted to shout at Emily, and find out just what the hell made her think it was a good idea to cut a deal with Strauss. Part of her, when she saw the tiny crease in Emily's forehead, and the look of confusion, wanted to apologize and make it all better. JJ knew that for all that Emily had acted as if she had enjoyed the weekend, it must have been hard for her to spend the days with her mother. JJ wanted to be supportive, and find out how it really went, and ask her all the questions she knew the other woman was expecting. To have gotten up, as she usually might, and lean on the end of her desk so she was closer to the brunette. To put a hand out, and rub it along Emily's arm, to show her she was sympathetic about the trials of dealing with a family that just didn't understand you.
JJ couldn't decide what was worse: the look of sad confusion on Emily's face, the knowledge that she had put it there, or the fact that she still cared so much.
* * *
Emily had eventually decided that maybe JJ was just ... busy. She didn't really believe it, but she had no alternative that was better. So she decided to give JJ the benefit of the doubt.
But she was soon proven wrong. JJ had finally emerged from her office, and was interacting just fine with the rest of the team. Just not with Emily.
The first time it happened was that afternoon. JJ came into the bullpen with a file for Reid. She didn't particularly linger, but she seemed reasonably chatty with Reid; stopped for a moment to say "hello" to Morgan on her way by his desk; and completely ignored Emily. Well, not completely, but practically.
Emily had been watching JJ's progress across the room expectantly, waiting for JJ's usual visit to cap off her tour of the desks. When JJ instead turned her head toward Emily, offered up a quick "Hi" and left, Emily was nonplussed, to say the very least.
Again, she thanked her years of being a diplomat's child for providing her with what she hoped -- desperately, desperately hoped -- was an unruffled and pleasant demeanor.
Emily hadn't felt this way since she first joined the team. In those early days, she had hidden behind a facade of cool professionalism. She could tell that the team was wary at best about her skills as a profiler, and still felt obvious loyalty to the agent she had replaced. It wasn't until after a few weeks that she began to really interact with the other members. She'd even managed to overcome her rough start with Reid.
So it hurt something, deep inside, to feel like she had to crawl back into her protective shell, now that JJ was treating her like a virtual stranger. She just prayed nobody else could see the pain and bewilderment she was feeling.
* * *
Late Wednesday afternoon, after two more days of the same distant treatment, Emily finally had had enough.
Muttering something indistinct, she headed out of the bullpen and down to JJ's office. She knocked lightly on JJ's door frame, to announce her presence
"Hey, what's up," asked JJ, glancing up briefly with a friendly but bland smile before once becoming once more engrossed in the paper on her desk.
Emily looked at JJ for a long moment. Her silence eventually caused JJ to glance up again, and what she saw apparently got her attention, since JJ didn't look down again.
"Is something wrong?" asked Emily, finally.
"What?" said JJ, forcing a look of polite confusion onto her face.
"Did I do something to upset you?"
"No, of course not," replied JJ.
"You've just seemed a little distant," said Emily.
"What? No, I've just been really busy," JJ said with another of her professional smiles, although she couldn't hide the bit of discomfort that showed in her eyes.
Bullshit, thought Emily, bitterly. "Well, up for a raincheck of last weekend's dinner?" she asked, with her own false smile. "My turn to pick, remember."
JJ fixed a look of dismay on her face. "I'm sorry, Emily, but I have something else I have to do," she said with a polite look of dismissal.
Emily looked at JJ consideringly; watching as a faint, tell-tale blush rose below the other woman's fair skin. "Yeah, that's too bad," Emily replied, as insincerely as JJ's refusal.
She thought about pushing it further, but not here, not at the office. But she couldn't help herself from one parting shot as she stalked out the door. "You know, JJ, you're a terrible liar."
And with that, she turned on her heel, and stalked back to the bullpen.
* * *
Emily had no idea what the problem was, and thus no idea how to fix it, and that made it all somehow worse. She had tried asking JJ directly; and that had failed. Now she was left to wonder what had happened, watching as a relationship she had had such high hopes for abruptly came to a halt. She tried to maintain her usual friendly demeanor, but she felt confused, and saddened, and hollow inside. Emily's only defense was to retreat within herself, locking away the hurt and confusion someplace deep inside where she didn't have to dwell on it.
Emily didn't trust easily, and to have this relationship blow up in her face -- for no reason that she could see -- was like a gut shot. To have their relationship -- even if it was nothing more than friendship, even if it never came to more than that -- come crashing down around her hurt like nothing had in a long time.
She was spending long, restless nights, trying to figure out what could have happened over the weekend. Her bewilderment had slipped seamlessly into sadness.
Work was no better. Every time she saw JJ -- and got Agent Jareau instead of the woman she had been getting to know better -- it was like a fresh slap in the face. What on earth could have happened to make JJ stay away from her, when obviously it was clearly upsetting them both? She just couldn't understand it.
The only thing she could imagine couldn't be true, could it? The one thing that had, in the past, caused someone to literally end a friendship with her. But JJ wasn't like that, was she?
Emily forced herself to dispassionately compare JJ's reaction with that time in Cleveland. Emily, younger then, and more naive, had told a supposed friend in the office about the woman she had been dating at the time. The reaction, looking back, was very similar to what she was seeing from JJ -- a complete freeze out, while pretending there was nothing wrong.
Emily sighed heavily and dropped her head into her hands. Had she done something to tip off JJ; something that let the other woman know that she was interested in more than friendship? And now JJ was freaking out?
Emily tried to look on the bright side. If this really was the problem -- if JJ was so homophobic that she couldn't stand to be around Emily -- surely she'd be able to get over her attraction to the other woman easily enough. You keep telling yourself that, mocked her brain.
If only she knew what had happened!
Which left Emily back where she started, with her familiar refrain: What the hell?
* * *
JJ was doing no better. She was making a sizable dent in her wine collection, spending far too much time sitting in her dark living room, staring into space.
Her plan to just ignore Emily until she got over being so attracted to her was going about as well as she could have expected -- which is to say, it was failing miserably.
Every time she saw Emily, she experienced the same exhausting series of emotions: the initial, involuntary thrill of excitement and attraction; the rush of despair when she remembered what Emily had done; the disappointment in herself at not being able to get over it; and the deep, nagging concern that she might never get over it.
She was exhausted from her mental merry-go-round, and incredibly conflicted about what to do. Emily, after her visit on Wednesday, was ignoring JJ, as well. Of course, JJ was so perverse that she was actually disappointed by it.
The idea of working with Emily while nursing an unrequited crush had seemed so terrible; but it was infinitely better than harboring a helpless attraction for someone when you should certainly know better.
* * *
By the weekend, Emily was finally getting angry. At first she had thought that maybe she had done something wrong. But an obsessive review didn't show anything that merited the cold shoulder she was getting. And she had had about enough. Screw that. I'm past this high school crap. I deserve to know what the hell is wrong, she thought fiercely.
After brooding all day, Saturday evening Emily drove to JJ's house. JJ had claimed to have made other plans, but Emily would bet her last paycheck that JJ was just sitting at home.
Sure enough, Emily could see JJ's car in the driveway as she strode to the front door and knocked. There was a momentary delay, and then she could hear steps inside. She could feel the pause on the other side of the door as JJ registered her presence. And then the door swung open, and JJ was standing there.
"Emily?" JJ said, obviously surprised. "Is everything okay?" she asked with concern, obviously thinking it must be a work crisis.
"Everything's fine," Emily assured.
There was a pause. JJ still seemed stunned to see Emily standing on her doorstep.
"Can I come in for minute?" Emily finally asked.
JJ started. "Oh, um, sure, come on in," she finally said, to Emily's ears clearly reluctant to talk to her.
What could be so bad that she can't even stand to be alone with me? wondered Emily -- a part of her afraid she already knew.
"So, uh, what brings you to my neck of the woods," JJ asked as they walked through to her living room. JJ turned on the lights -- obviously she had been sitting in the dark -- and she gestured to Emily to take a seat in the living room.
Emily debated, and then sat on the couch -- she could see a wine glass and figured that's where JJ had been sitting. She was not surprised when JJ took the chair as far from her as possible.
"JJ, what's wrong?" Emily finally asked bluntly.
JJ had apparently been expecting something along these lines, because she didn't look surprised.
"Emily, I don't know what you..."
"JJ, cut the crap. Look, I get that you don't want to spend time with me any more," said Emily forcefully. "Hell, I think all of the BAU knows that too," she said bitterly. "I just want to know why -- I think you owe me that much."
JJ clearly hadn't expected such a direct approach. Something indefinable flickered across her face, and she hesitated for a moment before she said, "Really, Emily, I don't know what you're talking about."
Emily looked at her. "Is it that I had to go spend the weekend with my mother, and had to cancel our da... dinner plans?" God, she had nearly said date.
JJ looked horrified at the idea that Emily thought she could be that petty. "No, of course not, I know you had to go."
"Then what? Friday when I left, everything was fine. I come back Monday morning, it's like we've never met," she said. Actually, it was worse than if they had never met; because if they'd never met, she wouldn't know what she was missing. Knowing what it was like to be close to JJ, and then having it taken away? That was much, much worse.
Emily stared inquiringly at JJ.
JJ couldn't believe Emily was pushing this so hard. "Look, Emily, I'm sorry it seems like things have changed, but I've just been busy at work, and..." JJ trailed off, in the face of Emily's look of disbelief.
Emily stood up, too agitated to sit any more. "So busy sitting here alone with a glass of wine that we couldn't go to dinner tonight? Give me some credit. You're not too busy to talk to Reid, or Morgan, or Garcia. You're only too busy to talk to me."
JJ sat silently; unable to deny the obvious, and unwilling to lie any more.
"Did someone say something?" Emily stopped, looking at the other woman intently. JJ was good at controlling her feelings, but something had flickered across her face. "Wait, someone said something about me? Jesus Christ, JJ..." Emily's voice trailed off.
God, I hate profilers, thought JJ despairingly. Clearly she hadn't been able to hide her reaction when Emily's words triggered a response, since it was Betsey who had started this whole disaster. JJ stubbornly kept her silence, looking down at the table.
"I thought we were getting to be good friends," said Emily. Her throat constricted as she did the math. JJ had just as good as admitted that someone had told her something, and now JJ was reluctant to even be alone with her. God, could it be any clearer? She had forgotten what a small town the FBI could be when people were sharing gossip -- and JJ had connections everywhere, because of her job as their press liaison
"Is it..." Emily had to clear her throat, "Is it because I'm gay?"
JJ looked like she had been slapped. She just stared at Emily, stunned. If JJ thought things were bad before, now they had managed to get worse. It wasn't enough that Emily was betraying the entire team; no, now, NOW, she would find out she had actually had a chance with Emily. Brilliant, brilliant timing.
Emily's face had drained of color as she took in the look of shock that broke across JJ's expressive face. Emily felt almost light-headed. "That's it, isn't it. Someone told you I'm gay, and now you can't stand to be around me."
JJ realized what Emily was saying and leaped up. "NO, no, that's not it! I didn't even know you were gay," she said, defensively.
But Emily was pacing, not listening, "Oh, my god, I can't believe it, it's ridiculous, I thought people were past this."
JJ tried to interrupt, "Emily, no, of course that's not it..." but Emily was on a roll and couldn't be stopped.
"God, it explains everything, why you seem uncomfortable around me, the way you reacted to those women at the club," Emily continued.
JJ couldn't believe how this was getting out of hand, and finally shouted: "I found out about Strauss, okay?"
That brought Emily to a stop, and she spun around in amazement. The two women stared at each other in silence.
"You found out about Strauss?" Emily said blankly.
"Yes. I found out that Strauss put you into the BAU so you could spy on us and break up the unit." JJ held her breath unconsciously. This was the big moment -- now she would finally find out if it was true. She prayed that Emily would stare at her blankly, and ask her what she was smoking. She, Emily, would never work for Strauss. Surely JJ knew that?
But Emily's next words shattered JJ's hopes, and her heart.
"How did you find out about that?" asked Emily in bewilderment.
"Oh my god," said JJ, feeling as though she had just been punched in in the stomach. She actually took a half step back, as if it had been a physical blow.
JJ hadn't realized until just this moment how much she had believed that there must be some explanation. That it was a mistake. Something. To hear Emily admit it was true -- and so casually, like it was nothing -- was devastating. And the best way to deal with all that hurt was to channel it into anger, so she could ignore the pain.
"You wanted BAU so much that you were willing to betray us all? Take down Hotch? God, Emily, how could you?"
Emily, meanwhile, had finally caught up with conversation. It wasn't about her being gay. It was about Strauss. She had thought that only she, Hotch and Strauss knew about that horrible time.
Now Emily seemed to really hear what JJ was saying. She raised both her hands, and looked at JJ. "Wait a minute. You found out that Strauss arranged for me to join the BAU. And you believe that I would sell out the BAU to Strauss?" Emily asked, with disbelief in her voice.
"You just admitted it. What am I supposed to believe?"
"You're supposed to believe that I wouldn't do that!" said Emily, with hurt in her voice. She was stunned that JJ could believe her capable of something so calculating, so cold. Didn't JJ know her at all?
JJ stood her ground silently, staring accusingly at Emily.
After a moment, Emily continued. "You think that I would take a job knowing I'd have to betray everyone I was going to be working with," Emily asked, in a curiously dispassionate voice, as if she were simply confirming facts for a case.
"Tell me what else I'm supposed to think," JJ said, stubbornly, crossing her arms.
Emily looked at JJ for a long moment. She had stopped pacing, and now just stood there, unmoving. She tried hard to maintain her diplomat face, but she felt a sense of defeat seeping through her entire body. She felt awash in an indescribable mix of sorrow and pain and hurt and betrayal.
"You're supposed to know me well enough to know that I'd never, ever betray my friends," Emily said quietly. "You're supposed to believe in me, at least a little," Emily's voice sounded hollow.
"Emily -- look at the facts! Strauss parachutes you in; you owe her a favor; she hates Hotch. She's done it before! You have to admit, it makes sense," pointed JJ, with what Emily had to admit was inescapable logic. "I don't want to believe it, but..."
"I just thought you knew me better. But if you can believe me capable of this, then obviously I was wrong."
"Just tell me it's not true," JJ said, now pleading.
Emily rubbed her face in her hands. She was tired, so tired, of having people assume that because her mother played politics, she did, too. She had really hoped for better from JJ, and to be proven wrong...
"You want the truth? Ask Hotch, since you obviously don't trust me. I just can't believe I thought... Well, I guess we weren't even very good friends, if it's so easy for you to think the worst of me." Emily's voice was flat, and her face a frozen mask, but her eyes -- her eyes were anything but emotionless.
Those expressive dark eyes were showing enough devastation and pain that without realizing she was even doing it, JJ reached out, involuntarily, to provide comfort. Anything to get rid of that look.
"Emily?" JJ asked uncertainly.
Emily gave JJ one more glance, filled with pain, before she simply said, "Goodbye JJ," with an air of finality, and walked out.
* * *