The Fiercest Calm (5/??) - Otalia
Title: The Fiercest Calm (Chapter 5)
Author: DJ Shiva
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Nope
Summary: Rafe and Olivia talk.
Source Disclaimer: I don't own nuttin'.
Thanks: DiNovia for the early morning read-throughs. :D
Feedback is love. :)
Ch. 1 / Ch. 2 / Ch. 3 / Ch. 4
The Fiercest Calm (5/??)
"That's not what I meant, Olivia."
Olivia felt the blood rise to her face, her skin prickling with fear; caged animal eyes screaming to run. She cast a nervous glance toward Rafe, his brown eyes shining intensely. Swallowing the lump that had risen to her throat, she collected herself, squaring her shoulders and finally looking him dead on.
"What exactly do you mean, Raphael?" She was terrified, but if there was one thing Olivia Spencer knew how to do, it was put up a fight when she was cornered.
Rafe studied her face carefully. If there was anything he had learned in prison, it was how to read people. Sometimes your life could depend on it. He saw clearly the turmoil roiling behind clear green eyes belying the intractable set of her jaw, and he pointedly leaned back in the booth to give her space. When Rafe raised his eyes to hers again, blowing out a breath of air to release the tension in his own body, she saw nothing but kindness.
He has his mother's eyes.
The realization wrapped her fear in a blanket of calm as she opened her mouth to speak again, but the words caught in her throat. She looked for all the world like a fish out of water. It was one thing to speak of it, this...whatever it was...to Bill, or whomever fell victim to her random inner dialogue turned outward processing. But this...this was too close. Too close to Natalia. Her courage crumbled as her hands began to shake.
Rafe watched the parade of emotions marching its song across Olivia's face. He reached out and took her trembling hands in his own, suddenly feeling protective of her fragile state. He knew in that moment what she needed to hear most.
"It's OK, Olivia." Squeezing her hands gently, he decided the direct approach was the only way to get to the crux of the conversation. "You love her, don't you?"
Olivia's eyelids closed slowly, shuttering Rafe from the truth within their depths. She sighed heavily, but the shaking of her hands tapered off as she prepared to leap. There was no hiding this. She opened her eyes and shone the full weight of her feelings upon Rafe's questioning gaze.
"Yes." It was as if a dam broke inside of her heart, as her tongue loosened and her words became a stream unleashed. "I don't know how...it was just so...I mean, one minute it was nothing and the next I...she just..." A sharp intake of breath righted her senses momentarily as her coherence returned. "I didn't see it coming. But it did. And I do. And I have no idea what that means, or what to do now."
"Have you told her?"
"I...can't." The fear returned like a swift kick to her stomach until sarcasm replaced the pain in her gut. "I am pretty sure at least a few of her saints would have a tizzy over that." Shocked to hear the seemingly insensitive words escape her lips, her head shot up with a look of horror. She spoke with a grimace. "Dammit. Rafe, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so insulting."
Rafe surprised her with a hearty laugh. "Geez, she really has rubbed off on you hasn't she?" Olivia just sat there, partially mortified, partially confused. Rafe calmed himself long enough to reply. "Mom can certainly be a bit...old school, I know. Relax, Olivia. I'm aware it's the 21st century. I promise not to burn you at the stake or whatever." A brick in Olivia's defensive wall fell, as she found herself smiling at Rafe. His laughter reduced to an intermittent chuckle, Rafe shook his head amusedly.
"Old school. Yeah. You could say that." Her mood shifted again as she contemplated once again the reality of Natalia's faith and what that could mean. For me. For us. She didn't understand the mechanisms, the whys and what-fors, but she had certainly had enough time to think about the significance. Rafe saw her lapse into introspection, a far off look on her face, and waved a hand in front of her to capture her attention once more.
"Olivia, don't think so hard into it. I know a little bit about how Mom thinks." He paused to consider his words. "Her faith means everything to her; God is her friend, her guide. He's mine too, so I think I can speak to this with at least some authority. I don't know how I would have survived those months in jail without him." His gaze drifted for a moment, caught up in memory and thankful for the grace that allowed him each precious moment outside of his cell. Olivia turned away to give him a moment of privacy with his thoughts. Finally, he turned to her again. "Growing up, she taught me that God is never cruel, and that sometimes people get his words all twisted up and turn them into something that serves their interests. Religion can get a bit...weird. Faith is something entirely different." He absentmindedly rubbed his chin as he continued. "Mom just wants to do the right thing. You know that. And sometimes she's maddening in her focus." Olivia nodded emphatically. She knew that focus very well. "She wants to be as good a person as she can be, Olivia. And to her, that means being true to herself and to God. Sometimes, she has to work her way through it to find out where those two things meet in the middle. And trust me when I say that she knows sometimes the rules of the church have little to do with the God she knows." Rafe's brown eyes rose to meet Olivia's. "Ask her someday how the church treated her when she was pregnant with me. She has gone against doctrine before, because somewhere she knows God's plans would never be to ask her to forsake her own heart."
Olivia's brow furrowed as she thought back to the conversation in the kitchen, that terrible night after Frank's proposal. Somewhere between Natalia's emotional utterances of that evening, and Rafe's words from a moment ago, something important danced around the edges of her understanding. She tried to grasp it, but in her flustered state, it slipped from her fingers. She left it alone, hoping it would come to her later if she tried not to over think it.
"Mom is faithful, but she's not a saint, Olivia."
With a sigh, Olivia drifted back into her own memories. She looked up at him with a wistful smile. "Sometimes she does have the patience of one, though, I have to admit. I don't know that anyone else could have put up with me as long as she has." She absentmindedly rubbed the scar on her chest as a year of mental photographs flashed across her mind's eye.
Rafe couldn't help himself. "Yeah, I don't know how she did it either." Olivia looked up at him, her insulted retort falling short on her lips as she recognized a devilish gleam in his eye and a teasing grin on his face. She scrunched up her face and half stuck out her tongue in response. The young man with Natalia's eyes regarded her with quiet repose. "You really have changed a lot. I could see it when you came to visit me with Mom in the last few months, but now..." A pensive pause as he collected his thoughts. "She's changed too. She smiles a lot more. I like seeing her smile, Olivia."
Me too. You have no idea just how much.
He cast a reflective look over his shoulder toward the door his mother and Emma had exited. "Seeing you here, with Mom, with Emma..." He paused, almost embarrassed. "Being in love suits you."
In love. I haven't even said that to myself.
Damn you, Rafe.
Olivia's eyes filled with tears and her cheeks flushed as she tried to look anywhere but at Rafe. Silence hung heavy between them as she struggled to find words. She laughed nervously as what was meant to be sarcasm just came out as sadness. "You're more perceptive than your mother."
"I think you underestimate my mother."
And there it was. The thing hovering around the edges of her perception from a moment ago. Past connected with present; the impact like a punch to her chest.
"Maybe God has someone for me and it's just...not who I expected."
She was still mentally connecting the dots when the bell above the ice cream parlor door chimed, and Emma came running red-faced to the booth, Natalia a few steps behind. Rafe's hand gave hers another kind squeeze as if to punctuate the conversation.
The dark-haired woman stepped in front of the booth, still breathing heavily from chasing after Emma. She felt the change in the dynamic between Rafe and Olivia, knowing something important had passed between them in her brief absence. A mixture of curiosity and love washed over her at the sight of them. Her son. Her Rafe and her...
Natalia's thoughts were cut short by Emma's exuberant interjection. "Can I show Rafe the cows and the ducks and the barn, Mommy?" She looked back and forth between the two women.
"Of course you can." They spoke in synchronicity, quickly averted glances following shy smiles as Emma jumped into the booth and snuggled up to Rafe, rattling off a list of her favorite playground toys.
Rafe, casting sidelong glances between his mom and Olivia, could only shake his head and sigh.
TBC...
Author: DJ Shiva
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Nope
Summary: Rafe and Olivia talk.
Source Disclaimer: I don't own nuttin'.
Thanks: DiNovia for the early morning read-throughs. :D
Feedback is love. :)
Ch. 1 / Ch. 2 / Ch. 3 / Ch. 4
The Fiercest Calm (5/??)
"That's not what I meant, Olivia."
Olivia felt the blood rise to her face, her skin prickling with fear; caged animal eyes screaming to run. She cast a nervous glance toward Rafe, his brown eyes shining intensely. Swallowing the lump that had risen to her throat, she collected herself, squaring her shoulders and finally looking him dead on.
"What exactly do you mean, Raphael?" She was terrified, but if there was one thing Olivia Spencer knew how to do, it was put up a fight when she was cornered.
Rafe studied her face carefully. If there was anything he had learned in prison, it was how to read people. Sometimes your life could depend on it. He saw clearly the turmoil roiling behind clear green eyes belying the intractable set of her jaw, and he pointedly leaned back in the booth to give her space. When Rafe raised his eyes to hers again, blowing out a breath of air to release the tension in his own body, she saw nothing but kindness.
He has his mother's eyes.
The realization wrapped her fear in a blanket of calm as she opened her mouth to speak again, but the words caught in her throat. She looked for all the world like a fish out of water. It was one thing to speak of it, this...whatever it was...to Bill, or whomever fell victim to her random inner dialogue turned outward processing. But this...this was too close. Too close to Natalia. Her courage crumbled as her hands began to shake.
Rafe watched the parade of emotions marching its song across Olivia's face. He reached out and took her trembling hands in his own, suddenly feeling protective of her fragile state. He knew in that moment what she needed to hear most.
"It's OK, Olivia." Squeezing her hands gently, he decided the direct approach was the only way to get to the crux of the conversation. "You love her, don't you?"
Olivia's eyelids closed slowly, shuttering Rafe from the truth within their depths. She sighed heavily, but the shaking of her hands tapered off as she prepared to leap. There was no hiding this. She opened her eyes and shone the full weight of her feelings upon Rafe's questioning gaze.
"Yes." It was as if a dam broke inside of her heart, as her tongue loosened and her words became a stream unleashed. "I don't know how...it was just so...I mean, one minute it was nothing and the next I...she just..." A sharp intake of breath righted her senses momentarily as her coherence returned. "I didn't see it coming. But it did. And I do. And I have no idea what that means, or what to do now."
"Have you told her?"
"I...can't." The fear returned like a swift kick to her stomach until sarcasm replaced the pain in her gut. "I am pretty sure at least a few of her saints would have a tizzy over that." Shocked to hear the seemingly insensitive words escape her lips, her head shot up with a look of horror. She spoke with a grimace. "Dammit. Rafe, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so insulting."
Rafe surprised her with a hearty laugh. "Geez, she really has rubbed off on you hasn't she?" Olivia just sat there, partially mortified, partially confused. Rafe calmed himself long enough to reply. "Mom can certainly be a bit...old school, I know. Relax, Olivia. I'm aware it's the 21st century. I promise not to burn you at the stake or whatever." A brick in Olivia's defensive wall fell, as she found herself smiling at Rafe. His laughter reduced to an intermittent chuckle, Rafe shook his head amusedly.
"Old school. Yeah. You could say that." Her mood shifted again as she contemplated once again the reality of Natalia's faith and what that could mean. For me. For us. She didn't understand the mechanisms, the whys and what-fors, but she had certainly had enough time to think about the significance. Rafe saw her lapse into introspection, a far off look on her face, and waved a hand in front of her to capture her attention once more.
"Olivia, don't think so hard into it. I know a little bit about how Mom thinks." He paused to consider his words. "Her faith means everything to her; God is her friend, her guide. He's mine too, so I think I can speak to this with at least some authority. I don't know how I would have survived those months in jail without him." His gaze drifted for a moment, caught up in memory and thankful for the grace that allowed him each precious moment outside of his cell. Olivia turned away to give him a moment of privacy with his thoughts. Finally, he turned to her again. "Growing up, she taught me that God is never cruel, and that sometimes people get his words all twisted up and turn them into something that serves their interests. Religion can get a bit...weird. Faith is something entirely different." He absentmindedly rubbed his chin as he continued. "Mom just wants to do the right thing. You know that. And sometimes she's maddening in her focus." Olivia nodded emphatically. She knew that focus very well. "She wants to be as good a person as she can be, Olivia. And to her, that means being true to herself and to God. Sometimes, she has to work her way through it to find out where those two things meet in the middle. And trust me when I say that she knows sometimes the rules of the church have little to do with the God she knows." Rafe's brown eyes rose to meet Olivia's. "Ask her someday how the church treated her when she was pregnant with me. She has gone against doctrine before, because somewhere she knows God's plans would never be to ask her to forsake her own heart."
Olivia's brow furrowed as she thought back to the conversation in the kitchen, that terrible night after Frank's proposal. Somewhere between Natalia's emotional utterances of that evening, and Rafe's words from a moment ago, something important danced around the edges of her understanding. She tried to grasp it, but in her flustered state, it slipped from her fingers. She left it alone, hoping it would come to her later if she tried not to over think it.
"Mom is faithful, but she's not a saint, Olivia."
With a sigh, Olivia drifted back into her own memories. She looked up at him with a wistful smile. "Sometimes she does have the patience of one, though, I have to admit. I don't know that anyone else could have put up with me as long as she has." She absentmindedly rubbed the scar on her chest as a year of mental photographs flashed across her mind's eye.
Rafe couldn't help himself. "Yeah, I don't know how she did it either." Olivia looked up at him, her insulted retort falling short on her lips as she recognized a devilish gleam in his eye and a teasing grin on his face. She scrunched up her face and half stuck out her tongue in response. The young man with Natalia's eyes regarded her with quiet repose. "You really have changed a lot. I could see it when you came to visit me with Mom in the last few months, but now..." A pensive pause as he collected his thoughts. "She's changed too. She smiles a lot more. I like seeing her smile, Olivia."
Me too. You have no idea just how much.
He cast a reflective look over his shoulder toward the door his mother and Emma had exited. "Seeing you here, with Mom, with Emma..." He paused, almost embarrassed. "Being in love suits you."
In love. I haven't even said that to myself.
Damn you, Rafe.
Olivia's eyes filled with tears and her cheeks flushed as she tried to look anywhere but at Rafe. Silence hung heavy between them as she struggled to find words. She laughed nervously as what was meant to be sarcasm just came out as sadness. "You're more perceptive than your mother."
"I think you underestimate my mother."
And there it was. The thing hovering around the edges of her perception from a moment ago. Past connected with present; the impact like a punch to her chest.
"Maybe God has someone for me and it's just...not who I expected."
She was still mentally connecting the dots when the bell above the ice cream parlor door chimed, and Emma came running red-faced to the booth, Natalia a few steps behind. Rafe's hand gave hers another kind squeeze as if to punctuate the conversation.
The dark-haired woman stepped in front of the booth, still breathing heavily from chasing after Emma. She felt the change in the dynamic between Rafe and Olivia, knowing something important had passed between them in her brief absence. A mixture of curiosity and love washed over her at the sight of them. Her son. Her Rafe and her...
Natalia's thoughts were cut short by Emma's exuberant interjection. "Can I show Rafe the cows and the ducks and the barn, Mommy?" She looked back and forth between the two women.
"Of course you can." They spoke in synchronicity, quickly averted glances following shy smiles as Emma jumped into the booth and snuggled up to Rafe, rattling off a list of her favorite playground toys.
Rafe, casting sidelong glances between his mom and Olivia, could only shake his head and sigh.
TBC...