attempt number twenty-eight ♓ (dictated/action)

[autophoenix]

[ Claire is down at the gym, beating up the punching bags -- with a lot of gusto, too. Okay, so maybe it wasn't the healthiest way to deal with Akihiko leaving -- because she's spent so long buried in her training and trying to be stronger and be a hero and be more than just some ... stupid human shield, that she hasn't really done anything else

Comments

this woman ]

[historyrepeater]

I take not aging here for granted but other people in the castle who could back home...

It must be horrible for you. And it never gets easier, watching friends and loved ones pass you right on by. When the Friday night discussion turns to 'would you ever want to be immortal.' And you hear yourself. You know you're being selfish and yet, here you are, asking.

And then people leave here -- and we can't do anything about it. And we're never there when it happens. It happens so suddenly.

A dead friend of mine is here. She died. And now, she's here. And I'm happy, ecstatic at points but, now she's stuck. Now, along with everyone else she's stuck. She can't age.

[ And now, suddenly, something occurs to him personally. And he cuts himself off. ]

this guy ]

[autophoenix]

[ Does he -- But, how? She stares at the journal for a long moment before replying, trying to figure it out. But a part of her just feels relieved by it instead of scared. ]

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of everyone in my life ... dying and leaving while I never do. Even here, where we're all stuck. And the castle just keeps moving and things just keep changing. People leave and no one cares. Like the castle doesn't even notice that everything hurts.

Your life can be leveled and no one else would even blink an eye.

A man I killed showed up here, too. Once. [ Of course, she didn't kill him the last time, but she had killed him in the past. It seems like the best way to refer to Sylar. ] It shouldn't have been possible.

this woman ]

[historyrepeater]

[ The way she talks, she sounds like back home she didn't die. Was she immortal? ]

People care. People notice.

The importance of neighbors has disappeared. Being a neighbor now entails getting out of your car and going into your house. Friendliness fell by the wayside.

...Are you a vampire, as well?

this guy ]

[autophoenix]

Am I a -- [ Oh shit. ] No. No, it's not like that.

claire;

[ofmywill]

I know what you mean.

...what's up?

minato;

[autophoenix]

... Nothing. Nothing's up. This wasn't supposed to ... You weren't supposed to hear it.

claire;

[ofmywill]

Figured. But I did.

...talk to me, Claire.

minato;

[autophoenix]

... He's really gone, isn't he?

[tehoniongirl]

It's never easy. Some people just hide it better than others.

It's not a set timeline. There's not a point where it's too late. If you really want to move on, you will. When you're ready.

[autophoenix]

I'm ready to be moved on. I've been ready to be moved on, but I can't. [ Because when she moves on, that's when he's really gone. ]

This Girl

[tehoniongirl]

Then you're not. Or you're trying to do too much on your own.

Moving on isn't just something where you wave your hand and the past stops mattering. It always matters. The things we remember or, hell, even the things we forget. They changed us. So if you're trying to move on from what you've been through, those memories will stay. And sometimes that hurts to the point of being unbearable.

So you stay busy. And you spend time with friends. And you laugh and you cry and you tell your story or you listen to someone else's and it takes time. But it will get to the point where it's not the only important thing in your life.

[she won't say that it doesn't stay important. Sometimes it does. Some things are just too good or too bad to stop mattering. But they can settle to something more bearable]

This Girl

[autophoenix]

What if I don't know how to laugh anymore? What if that part of me went with him?

[clarklike]

I feel like I could have written this every year, when I was younger. Fortunately, though, that was home -- I wasn't stuck in a castle full-time, then.

But as long as we can make any sort of impact on those around us, we still have power. Power isn't being able to break out of things or throw off all restrictions and do whatever we please. We still have free will here, and we can still make changes to the world around us, and on the people around us.

[autophoenix]

But, does it really count as making a change when the castle is just going to go back to the exact same way it was when everything is over, and as soon as any given person goes home, any change you made on them just ... vanishes? They don't remember it. You won't even remember it, sooner or later.

[clarklike]

I don't know, Claire, by that logic, does anything really matter at home, either, when people die all the time and everything in history is forgotten eventually? What happens now is a lot more important. Now there are people who need help. Now there are people who want to see change. Now there are people who care about each other, and care about you.

[autophoenix]

People who are all going to leave sooner or later. They care so much right up until the castle takes them from me. How do you live in the now knowing that sooner or later it's always going to be this? I don't -- How would you feel if Lois left? If she just disappeared one day.

It's like the castle took a part of me away. [ wah wahh overdramatic teenager you don't understaaaand. ]

DIctated - Filtered to Claire Bennet - Assume this is before he flies off to go be a Super Hero =3

[decibel_chamber]

I's never easy, Claire. Believe me. I'd give mos' anythin' t'get back th' people I've lost, but at th' same time, most of 'em are better off goin' home than bein' stuck here.

I've learned t'jus' get me feelin's out, an' get back t'th' life I've made here. There're people here countin' on me, people I care about, an' I owe it to 'em t'keep me head in th' here an' now.

I'm around if ya wanna talk. I'mna be headed out soon t'see to th' folks Riful an' her dogs kidnapped, but when this is all over, we'll talk. I promise.

Jono

[autophoenix]

I know. I know, you're busy. Everyone's busy. I should be out there helping too, I just ... I feel like I can barely breathe sometimes. It was stupid to think we could actually have something good here, I should have -- I was stupid. I made a mistake, and now it's like I had to lose a part of myself to learn.

Even if he was better off at home. How am I supposed to deal with still being here? With being left behind?

Claire

[decibel_chamber]

Hey, yer grievin', I get that. I am too. Seems like every bleedin' month here I lose someone else who meant somethin' t'me. I's gotten to th' point where all I can do is keep an eye on th' few folks close t'me, hope they don' take off in th' middle o' th' night, an' leave me here t'pick up th' pieces.

Y'make th' best o' it. Tha's all any o' us can do. It don' do any o' us any good t'dwell on what we had, or what we coulda had. Tha's lettin' this place get t'us, an' we can't let it do that. I'm not sayin' y'should close yer heart off, or not grieve fer yer lost beau, but y'gotta keep it all in perspective.

Jono

[autophoenix]

Maybe closing myself off isn't such a bad idea. I mean, you're right. People leave all the time -- without warning. Cassie, Kara, Tim, Akihiko. They all just vanished. And I cared about all of them.