Handcuffs... (fanfic)
Title: Handcuffs… (Part 2 of Five Conversations)
Fandom/Genre: J2, angst, hurt/comfort
Pairing/Characters: Jared/Jensen, with mentions of Alexis Bledel, Mike Rosenbaum, Christian Kane, Tom Welling, Allison Mack, Kristin Kruek, Sandy McCoy, Chad Michael Murray
Warnings: discussion of past non-con, m/m sex, language, mention of het
Rating: NC-17 (for past non-con and language)
Word Count: 4, 149 (22,890 for all of Five Conversations)
Disclaimer: I own nothing; the characters belong to themselves, and this doesn’t reflect anyone’s true sexual orientation or any events that really happened; purely for entertainment purposes; no money is being made.
A/N: Part of my reallymet!verse; understanding of this story would be greatly enhanced by familiarity with the events of “The Story of How We (*really*) Met. While some real people are portrayed as villains that is only for the purposes of this story. I bear them no ill-will and am sure they’re really quite nice and wonderful in real life.
Summary: Jensen knows he has skeletons in his closet, but sometimes he forgets that Jared isn’t just a happy-go-lucky guy without a care in the world. A conversation about Fuzzy Handcuffs brings a ghost of Jared's past to the surface.
Handcuffs… (April 2006)
They’d been out to dinner with friends-Allie, Tom, Jamie, Kristin, Mike, and Chris were all there. Somewhere along the line there had been a little too much alcohol and the group had probably gotten a little too comfortable-they had started the evening at 1181-and the conversation had taken a turn for the colorful. It was exactly the sort of situation that would have sent Jensen running or hiding back in the old days, but he was happy to report he was actually comfortable enough with himself now, and secure enough in his relationships and friendships that the prospect of his friends discussing their sex lives comfortable, ok. Of course, he had drunk two beers-which with his tolerance meant he was pretty much trashed-and he did feel like the whole evening was a bit scandalous, but he found that invigorating instead of terrifying.
In fact, by the time he and Jared had made it back to Jensen’s (their) condo and were getting out of the taxi, Jensen felt like continuing the conversation. He was still feeling a little giddy from the exhilaration of being himself for an evening without being afraid, and couldn’t seem to get Mike and Allie’s discussion of the joys of fuzzy handcuffs out of his head. Well, Chris’s beet-red expression throughout the entire conversation had definitely helped cement the idea in his mind.
“So, Jared,” Jensen said excitedly as they climbed the steps to the front door. “What do you think about handcuffs? Should we get some fuzzy handcuffs?” Jensen could feel himself blushing as he asked and knew he was smiling like a giddy fool. What could he say, Jensen had a bit of a submissive streak, and with Jared he felt safe indulging it, because he could trust Jared. And for that, Jensen was really, really grateful.
“Let’s just get inside,” Jared said soberly, maybe a little stiffly, deflecting Jensen’s comment, as he opened the door and stepped into the darkened condo.
Shit, Jensen thought, looking around, was I loud, did someone hear me? he wondered. But that didn’t quite make sense, there was no one around. The street was quiet. On top of that, Jared was usually much more comfortable talking about sex, their relationship, or pretty much anything that made Jensen wary of onlookers and paparazzi than Jensen was. So, huh, that was odd. Why didn’t Jared want to talk? He tried to think if Jared had acted strangely about the handcuff conversation during dinner, but realized, much to his dismay, he’d been too distracted by Chris turning red and trying to hide his embarrassment behind his beer mug to have paid proper attention to Jared’s reaction.
Jensen continued to muse about the oddity that was Jared-usually so much more open and eager to try new things than Jensen-deflecting a conversation about something as benign as fuzzy handcuffs. Maybe he was making a bigger deal out of it than it really was, he pondered as they climbed the stairs to the bedroom. Maybe Jared thought he was drunk and would regret the conversation later? Jensen continued musing as he brushed his teeth, took his meds, and changed into pyjama bottoms. Maybe Jared thought Jensen wanted to use the handcuffs on him? That could be, and it shouldn’t be too hard to clear up the misunderstanding.
As they were getting into bed, Jensen was still debating whether it was worth bringing up the handcuffs again. They were a fun idea, but really, was it worth starting some sort of disagreement over?
Jensen looked over at Jared who seemed strangely distant as he got ready for bed. Jared’s actions seemed so disconnected and methodical. He was staring off into space as he stripped down to his boxers and didn’t even glance at Jensen as he slipped into his side of the bed.
Ok then. Jensen was going to have to bring it up just to clear the air. He didn’t know what was going on, and it just made him feel so confused and lost and… “Hey, I’m sorry if I freaked you out with the handcuffs comment,” Jensen blurted out, feeling himself blush again.
Jared turned tired, wary eyes on Jensen.
Jensen realized he was picking invisible lint off the sheets. Bad habit. “Look, I just thought it would be fun, I mean, the handcuffs would be for me, you could handcuff me to the bed and fuck me senseless… you know, play cuffs, they have emergency releases, and really, I kind of like the idea… it’s not like a holdover of any bad relationship experiences it just turns me on,” Jensen babbled.
Jared still hadn’t said anything and was now looking haunted almost.
“I’m sorry for bringing it up, it’s not a big deal,” Jensen tried he was growing increasingly desperate as he’d never seen Jared so distant or still. He slid forward on the bed to reach for Jared, just squeeze his shoulder or do something to get his attention or snap him out of whatever funk he’d fallen into when Jared flinched, and pulled away from Jensen.
Jensen froze, his hand still hovering halfway between his body and Jared’s. He was pretty sure he let out an audible gasp he was so surprised. Why would Jared be afraid of me? What did I do? He felt nothing but confusion. “Jared, Jay, baby, what’s wrong, I’m sorry…” Jensen didn’t know what to say this was really unprecedented territory for them. Sure, he’d been skittish early on in their relationship, still was sometimes, but Jared had never pulled away from him before, and it was all Jensen could do to keep his mind from spiraling off in too many dark directions.
“It’s not,” Jared started, his voice catching a little. He seemed to shake himself and turned to face Jensen. “It’s not you. It’s not your fault, I’m sorry I pulled away,” Jared continued, running his hands through his too-long hair, as if tugging it would be the answer to some great problem.
Jensen was shocked to see tears in Jared’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” he tried again. “I didn’t know it would upset you it’s just…” He was going to say just silly fuzzy handcuffs, but realized that whatever was going on with Jared, handcuffs weren’t just anything and they certainly weren’t silly.
“It’s not your fault Jensen,” Jared sighed. “I don’t…” Jared stopped and gulped hard, reaching to take Jensen’s hands in his. “I don’t really want to talk about it, but you deserve an explanation. It… I… Alexis…” Jared started his voice trailing off and his eyes growing distant again.
Jensen instantly sobered, any lingering warm glow of the evening’s beers left him in an instant. He could feel his eyes grow wide, probably comically so, it was all he could do to keep his jaw from dropping. How could I be so stupid? he thought. Here he was, so wrapped up in his own issues that he completely forgot that Jared wasn’t exactly problem or baggage free. Jensen spent a few moments in silence feeling like a selfish idiot for thinking the problem was with him. Was he really that self-centered? But that was just it, Jared always seemed so strong and solid and worry-free-like a happy puppy-that it was all too easy to forget the dark ugly wounds and scars of his past. Especially when they’d never talked about them that much… Hell, Jensen had talked to Sandy more about Jared’s disastrous and abusive relationship with Alexis than he had with Jared.
“We don’t have to talk about it. I’m sorry for pushing,” Jensen said at last turning his eyes apologetically to Jared.
“What? No, Jen,” Jared started, his attention drifting back to Jared. His eyes were still teary, but looked more determined now. “Don’t do that,” Jared added giving Jensen’s hand a squeeze. He slid further onto the bed, a little shaky, but otherwise seeming ok. Without letting go of Jensen’s hands, Jared tucked his knees up in front of his chest, and faced Jensen, making himself look like an overgrown child curled up in a ball. “You really should know. It’s just… I haven’t really told anyone else aside from my therapist. I mean Sandy kind of figured it out the one time handcuffs came up in conversation. I’m just out of practice, and it’s kind of scary, and I’m really ok talking about it, especially to you.”
The similarity of Jared’s words to his own was not lost on Jensen. He knew all too well how difficult, terrifying, painful, but also freeing it could be to share that kind of painful memory with someone-someone he really loved and trusted. “You’re scared, but you know you’ll feel better if you can get it out there,” he offered with a wan smile.
Jared nodded silently, his hands shaking a little around Jensen’s.
Jensen slid closer and wrapped his right arm around Jared’s back, still more or less facing him and letting Jared keep a solid grip on his left hand. “Was it something that happened a lot with her or was it… Was it something that happened when she…”
“Alexis hand cuffed me to the cabinet in my trailer when she… raped me,” Jared explained his voice a little shaky, but remarkably strong.
Jensen nodded absentmindedly. “I’m really sorry,” he added.
“You had no way of knowing. Sandy didn’t tell you about that, and we never,” Jared pointed back and forth between them. “We never talked about it until now.”
“It’s ok, you don’t have to say anymore,” Jensen said reassuringly.
“I think you deserve to know. I mean, it’s not something that comes up that often, especially now that I’m not working with Alexis every day, but when something triggers it… I don’t always handle it that smoothly. Like tonight. I should have just explained rather than letting you twist yourself in knots.” Jared paused looking down at his and Jensen’s entwined hands. “Sandy told you that Alexis flew to Australia, right, and that she threatened Paris and then followed me back to my trailer, right?”
Jensen nodded, thinking back to his conversation with Sandy on their fake “date,” what was it… over two years ago? “She said Alexis hit you and kicked you?” Jensen recalled.
“Yeah, she used to do that all the time,” Jared said sadly. “She used to demand sex too, and usually it was ok, I mean, I wasn’t really into it, but Alexis is pretty hot… if you like chicks, and I wasn’t even 19 when we got together and so, I just figured I was lucky. Most guys my age would give anything to get to fuck her, so why should I complain about it?” Jared shrugged. “I should have known better. But I was young, and she was a year older than me, and we were both from Texas, and I was homesick.”
“But that time was different?” Jensen supplied.
Jared let out a long, shaky sigh. “We were arguing, and she was just crazy, jealous, possessive. Kept saying that she owned me and that I was gonna listen to her. I mean, it was scary. She was screaming, and she just kept hitting me, slaps and punches, hard enough to leave bruises. Her face was bright red, and her voice was so loud it was hurting my ears. Then she started kicking again, I mean, driving her pointy toes into my shins as hard as she could. I didn’t know what to do. I asked her to leave. I wanted to push her off me, but you know, my momma told me never to hit a girl, and she’s tiny, and I’m well, not, and I was afraid to hurt her, but she just wouldn’t stop.”
Jensen listened patiently, feeling his ire towards Alexis awaken anew. He’d known she’d fucked Jared up and fucked with his head a lot, but hearing his lover describe what had happened, seeing the pain it still caused him, was different. It was much worse than he had thought.
Jared raised his eyes and met Jensen’s. “Finally, I just said I wanted to break up, wanted her to leave. I shouted and told her to ‘get the fuck out now.’ I even grabbed her by the arm and tried to drag her to the door, but she threw herself against it and hit the lock so I couldn’t open it. When I tried to reach around her, she pulled a pair of real handcuffs from her back pocket, I think, like the police-issue kind without any emergency releases, and slapped them around my wrist. Before I even realized what was happening, she’d cuffed the other end to the handle of one of the kitchen cabinets that was near the door. Then she just shoved me until I fell over. She knocked herself over in the process, so then she slapped me in the face saying it was my fault.”
“God, I’m so sorry, Jared,” Jensen supplied when Jared paused. He started rhythmically petting at Jared’s back, trying to sooth Jared, trying to reassure himself.
Jared gave a kind of pained, lopsided, ironic grin, tears pooling in his eyes. “She said, I was gonna make it up to her like her good boy. I said I wasn’t hers; she insisted I was. She started pulling at my belt, and I said ‘no.’ I could hardly believe it, I mean, who would believe that me, someone my size, would get pushed around by little, tiny Alexis. I probably could have forced her off of me, even handcuffed, but I would have had to hurt her, and I didn’t want to do that. I also couldn’t get away. I couldn’t even reach the door anymore… I didn’t have my phone,” Jared shuddered. “I kept saying ‘no’ and she wouldn’t stop. I was scared that if I tried anything I would get blamed. I didn’t know what the law was like in Australia, and I was terrified that she was going to turn the whole thing around on me…. I tried screaming for help, thought maybe Chad would believe me-after all he knew things had gotten bad between us. But then she took my belt and held it up to my face and threatened to gag me with it if I didn’t shut up. After that… I just tuned out. Tried to pretend like I wasn’t there or it wasn’t happening. She… she pulled my dick out and started jacking it so hard it hurt. I didn’t want her touching me and at first nothing happened, she squeezed my balls too hard and that hurt, but then she got frustrated that I wasn’t getting hard, so she eased up a little, and after a while I started responding. I felt so… betrayed by my own body. Then she just climbed on my lap and sat down. Wasn’t even wearing any panties, like she’d planned it… I mean she must have planned it, why else would she have brought handcuffs?” Jared asked, half to himself. His voice was haunted and rushed, as if plowing through the recollection of the experience was the only way he could get it out.
“She just fucked herself on me until I came… no condom, no birth control, no nothing. I didn’t move, couldn’t really… it was like I was frozen. When she was done she stayed there, wouldn’t get up, and pretty much stuck her tongue down my throat until I couldn’t breathe anymore. Then she got up like nothing had happened and uncuffed me. Told me to stay there and be her good boy or she wouldn’t be so nice next time. Then she just left. Flew home again not long after that. I ended up telling the set manager not to let her back on the lot, but I guess it didn’t really matter.”
“Jesus Jared, I had no idea… I mean, I knew, but I didn’t,” Jensen felt his voice catch and realized there were tears in his eyes.
“Well, at least that was the last time I ever had sex with her,” Jared responded. “She kept stalking me after that, but… Chad figured out something had happened. He never liked Alexis… maybe that should have been a clue. Anyway, he threatened to tell the producers on Gilmore Girls, and talked me into seeing a doctor to get myself tested, make sure she didn’t give me anything. And Chad convinced me to threaten Alexis with a restraining order… I was too terrified of her reaction to ever go through with it, but it was enough to get her to back off. I started having flashbacks and managed to flip out on the very first date I went on after that, so I finally talked myself into seeing a therapist when I got back to LA. That really helped. I’d probably be a mess otherwise… or well, a bigger mess,” Jared snorted through is tears.
Jensen couldn’t help but give a sympathetic snort in response. “You’re pretty ok, I’d say,” he said, wanting to lean forward and kiss Jared, but not sure if Jared was in the right headspace for that.
Jared let out another long sigh and took a deep breath. When he started talking again, his voice was much more steady and empowered, and his eyes were a little clearer. “You know what’s kind of crazy though, for the longest time, well, I guess it was about three months afterwards, but it felt like forever, I was most scared that Alexis was going to tell me she was pregnant. We’d always used condoms before then, and I was really scared that she’d do something like that on purpose, to try to tie me to her forever or something. But luckily either she wasn’t that crazy, or it didn’t work.”
“You’d make a good dad though,” Jensen said without really thinking. He made sort of an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I mean, I think you’d be a great dad some day, but not with Alexis and not like that.”
“No, definitely not like that,” Jared agreed, finally leaning down and capturing Jensen’s lips in a gentle kiss. “So…” he said hesitantly after breaking the kiss.
“So…” Jensen replied, the silence was a little awkward, but there wasn’t really any tension between them, just companionship, and Jensen’s brain rapidly trying to process everything he’d just learned. “No handcuffs then, even if they’re fuzzy, and even if we use them to tie me up because it’s just too much of a reminder?” he asked at last, wanting to make sure he understood as fully as he’d be able.
“Yeah, but more that I just… even though I know you’d be enjoying it, that you’d want it, it terrifies me to even think about using that kind of power over someone in the context of sex. I see the handcuffs, and all I can think about is how powerless and trapped I felt. And then, there’s pretty much no way I can really do anything after that, and I definitely couldn’t be with you while you were handcuffed,” Jared explained.
Jensen hugged him tighter, relieved to feel Jared sag into him. Jensen tugged a little more, and managed to get Jared to reposition himself out of his tight curled ball and gradually lie down next to Jensen under the covers. “I think I get it. I can do with out the handcuffs, it’s not a problem.”
“Good,” Jared said, sounding very relieved.
A thought occurred to Jensen. “We use handcuffs on ‘Supernatural’ though, that doesn’t bother you?” He asked, genuinely curious.
“Well, in case you haven’t noticed, it’s usually you, or rather Dean, getting cuffed,” Jared said, his voice a little lighter, teasing. “But for me, well, it’s not great. I prefer when I don’t have to work with them, but as long as it’s not involving sex, it’s ok. If Sera ever writes Sam a sex scene involving handcuffs, I’d probably have a problem,” Jared concluded, his voice more serious again.
They settled under the covers, just lying there holding each other. Eventually, Jensen reluctantly wriggled free to get up and turn off the light, but when he returned to bed, Jared immediately settled back into his arms. They lay together in the dark and silence with Jared’s head resting on Jensen’s chest, Jensen’s hand carding gently through Jared’s hair. It was the reverse of a position they’d shared many times on many nights, but usually it was Jensen being comforted and Jared doing the comforting. Jensen felt a huge swell of admiration and pride and love and trust in Jared for trusting Jensen enough to share his story.
They were both still a little restless, though, and Jensen could feel his heart pounding in his chest, feel the rise and fall of Jared’s chest signifying he was still awake too. Just ask… Jensen’s brain prompted him. He was pretty sure Jared felt like the conversation wasn’t quite done either. “Did…” Jensen cleared his throat. “Did you ever think about pressing charges? I mean if not for what happened in Australia then for any of the other crap she did?”
Jared was silent for a moment. “I didn’t want to testify. And beyond that well, I’m not the most sympathetic domestic violence victim-people don’t think of six-foot-five guys getting beat up by their tiny girlfriends. Plus, it just felt too personal, too raw. It was hard enough to get up the courage to ask my brother for a recommendation for a good psychiatrist or psychologist, and he’s a doctor,” Jared explained into Jensen’s chest, his voice sending vibrations up and down Jensen’s torso.
“I can understand that,” Jensen said, trying-but failing-to suppress an involuntary shudder. He remembered what it felt like to be asked to testify… it wasn’t just the whole “possibly admitting he was gay” thing that had kept him silent, it was the prospect of the awkward, painful, personal nature of talking about something so painful and traumatic with complete strangers and then being interrogated about his story, like being victimized over again, that had deterred him.
Jared turned his head, looking up at Jensen.
Jensen raised his head to get a better view and smiled.
“Thanks for that,” Jared said gratefully.
They laid their heads back down and both let out another shaky sigh. Jensen was stroking his hand up and down Jared’s body, trying to smooth out and soothe away the nervous tremors that were still there.
“Were you still in therapy when I met you?” Jensen asked, curious. He’d thought of himself as such a complete basket case at the time, and Jared had seemed so grounded and steady.
“Yeah,” Jared answered. “But by that time, only once every other week unless something particularly bad happened.” He chuckled. “The day of your ‘date’ with Sandy…”
Jensen swore he could hear the air quotes in Jensen’s voice.
“Alexis was being particularly shitty to me. I probably would have called my therapist if I hadn’t been getting ready for you to come over,” Jared admitted.
Jensen let out a chuckle, and quickly kissed the top of Jared’s head. “That’s funny, ‘cause you know the whole date with Sandy thing made me call my shrink.”
Jared laughed back, his laugh’s reverberating against Jensen’s ribs and seeming to warm Jensen from the outside. “We’re really quite a pair, aren’t we?” he asked rhetorically.
Jensen answered with another kiss to his head.
“But you don’t go to therapy now?” Jensen asked, pretty sure he knew the answer, but wanting to check.
“You know I don’t,” Jared chuckled. Then more serious, “getting away from Alexis made a big difference. When I stopped working with her every day-thanks in part to your encouragement to go out and audition,” Jensen could feel Jared’s lips smiling against his chest, “-a lot of the stuff I was still working through kind of resolved itself. Or, at least got easier handle on my own. Now,” he shrugged. “Now, I know my therapist is only a call away, and I feel like I can manage. I feel good most of the time, and that makes me feel like I have more control, so I’m ok.”
They quieted again, this time, more settled, the import of the conversation sinking in.
“Thank you for trusting me, Jay,” Jensen whispered into Jared’s hair, placing a chaste kiss on the crown of his head.
“Thank you for listening and accepting me, Jen,” Jared replied with a sleepy yawn.
“Always, always,” Jensen answered into the darkness.
As they drifted off to sleep, Jensen realized that, while they hadn’t gotten to fantasize about the joys of handcuffs, they’d shared something much more important, their relationship growing and strengthening in the process. And for that, Jensen was very, very glad.
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