IBARW: Random nidgy things that I've noticed in the past two weeks

[oyceter]

Someone on ap_racism commented to the effect: once you start noticing racism, it feels like it's everywhere, which may be why it seems like talking about racism causes racism.

So. Things that I've noticed or thought about in the past two weeks in real life:

Things that make me conscious of being Asian:

1. I've seen Snapple's "What is white tea commercial a few times, and it made me nidgy. Today, I stopped and thought, "Huh. There is a Chinese peasant in the fields picking tea leaves and explaining what white tea is to the white tourist/traveller." "Ok, nidgy," I thought. "Ok... his English is so bad that they subtitle it in the commercial. Ok... so why didn't they just have him speak Chinese and subtitle that?" *sigh*
2. Best Western's latest "I've been everywhere, yeah" commercial has a family with a white father and an Asian (?) mother. On one hand, yay! Asians in the media! On the other hand, nidgy realization that most white-Asian couples are white men and Asian women, coupled with the memory of people joking about Asian fetishes (I also participated in this, which I'm not proud of). I don't know if I would notice this negatively if I weren't so sensitive to the Asian-woman-white-man thing (my last boyfriend was white).

These next few questions are things that I think almost all the time. I don't always voice them, even to myself, but somewhere in the back of my head, they lurk...

Also,if you have asked me these questions, it's ok, it really is.

1. Do people underestimate me because I'm a young Asian woman?
2. Do people confuse me and two of my co-workers at work because we're all Asian? Or is it because we're rouching the same height with the same length hair? Usually, I just dismiss it and think that we are around the same height with similar coloring and heavy glasses. But it's still in the back of my head.
3. Did the people I got my rats from think it was weird that I was Asian? Am I out of place?
4. Do the people at the coffeeshop I go to for my knitting circle think it's weird that most of us are Asian? Does the non-Asian there feel weird for being non-Asian? Does anyone wonder if I ever feel weird about being the only Asian?
5. Are people asking me about Asia/China/Japan/etc. because I am Chinese? Or because I am an East Asian Studies major who studied Japanese in college?
6. Is it an innocent question when people tell me that my English is so good, knowing that I grew up in Taiwan (obviously, this is a valid question, but part of me always wonders)? Do I never get the "No, where are you really from?" question only because I immediately tell people I'm from Taiwan?
7. Why do half the pieces of mail I get spell my name wrong?
8. What do the mostly white neighbors think of me? Am I too loud? Am I not being nice enough when I see them? Will they think I am a Chinese person with no understanding of manners in America?

And now...

Please note, I am not noting my own racist responses so that people can reassure me. I'm doing it to be honest and to show that even though I can blog about racism here, it's very, very difficult for me to change my own mindset and reactions. I am not the poster child for anti-racism; I live and breathe the same racial smog that we all do. My id is angry at Asians who look bad or who assume I'm like them; at blacks and Latinos, who make me feel awkward and guilty;* at white people who make me feel out of place or make me feel even more Asian. My ego and superego realize that this is a reaction that really doesn't help anything.

* Also, I am rereading this after I type it, and I would like to note the language that I used. Of course, it's the Asians who look bad. Of course, the blacks and the Latinos are somehow making me feel guilty. *headdesk* Please witness, aversive racism at work!

And just seeing how I so easily slip back into blaming other people of color, how can I honestly blog against racism if I don't talk about my own?

Things that make me realize how easy it is to be racist:

1. A few days ago, a well-dressed black man on a bicycle yelled at a car that cut him off on the street, saying, "Fuck you, turn on your blinker ahead of time!" My first reaction was fear. My second was to check how he was dressed. My third was to notice my first two reactions, try to justify them to myself ("Anger is scary! People who swear scare me! His being black had nothing to do with it!"), then realize that yes, my instinctive reaction is a racist one, and I must remember to think to myself, "I totally yell stuff like that when I'm in the car, why shouldn't he? Why should it make me afraid? Why did I check to see how he was dressed?" I must remember that I cannot combat aversive racism unless I notice it in the first place.
2. At the library sale the other week, a white woman accused an Asian man of cheating (I couldn't quite figure out how, but it had to do with hiding books or something). I had to stop and wonder if it had to do with race, even though I knew nothing about the incident, particularly after I noticed all the librarians were white. When the man defended himself in badly accented and broken English, I hugged my books closer to my chest and wanted to disappear. I wondered if anyone else would think that I were a stingy Chinese person intent on getting the best deal even at library sales, and if anyone would start questioning how many books I had clutched to my chest. I was embarrassed by and angry at the man for making me look bad, and I tried to reassure myself by noting that there were many other Asians there, most of whom seemed well-behaved. (This also goes under the first part)
3. I get irritated when I talk to people with accents at work, and I wish they would speak better English. I remember jokes about all tech support jobs going to India. I try to remember how I feel when people make fun of my Chinese.
4. Casual comments about black people from friends, casual comments about Jews, casual comments about Hispanics. How easy it is to be silent to not argue with a friend or a co-worker.
5. Did I date a white guy because I subconsciously think they are sexier then Asian men?
6. I avoid eye contact with people of color on the street, and then I attempt to make eye contact and smile. I feel like they know I am racist, and considering that I instinctively avoid eye contact, they are right.

And because I know how frustrating it is to have a giant list of "Do not do this!" and how it leads to flailing and not knowing what to do, another list! Added caveat being, this is my own, personal list, and as such, it probably leaves off a number of things, because (as demonstrated above), I have giant, giant blind spots when it comes to race.

Things I try to do to not be racist:

1. Remember that being Asian means that I do not necessarily understand the experiences of other people of color, and as much as I can try and help and sympathize, it's not the same thing.
2. Remember that "I don't mind it when people do such-and-such" does not equate "He/she doesn't mind it when people do such-and-such."
3. Try not to talk over other POC talking about their experiences.
4. Non-British/Scottish/European/American/Australian accented-English only means one thing: someone is not that familiar with the language. I should know from my own, very limited, experience that halting words don't mean halting thoughts. I say all the "non-" bits above because I think those accents are usually perceived more favorably, or as less ignorant, than an Indian accent or a Chinese accent.
5. Asia does not equate China and Japan. Asia does not equate East Asia. Asia is very large and encompasses a great many countries and people and cultures and traditions, and I should know better than to define it soley by the two countries I am most familiar with.
6. Whenever someone white makes me feel awkward, try and remember the privileges that I get from being financially well-off and Asian (as opposed to black, Latino, or Native American). This doesn't mean that Asians aren't discriminated against; my admission of privilege does not take away oppression in another area. Conversely, when I feel awkward around other people of color, try and remember how I feel when people say random things about Asians. But also remember, my experiences of racism don't equate other people's experiences.

Do you have lists? What are they?

ETA: corrected typos