The Pieces That Still Fit (Broken Walls and Cracked Hearts)
Title: The Pieces That Still Fit (Broken Walls and Cracked Hearts)
Word Count: 1,756
Group/Pairing: NEWS; Koyama/Yamapi, very little Ryo/Koyama
Notes: Beta-ed by madpig4life. It's a whole lot of angst and introspection.
Remix of To Shatter the Pieces More by shatteredtenshi
---
When I was 6 years old, I remember my mother had fixed one of my favorite toys that some bully had broken. It seemed like magic at the time, but now I know it was superglue. I remember asking her if it could fix anything, and her response was “as long as you still have the pieces that are broken and if they still fit.” I asked how it was done once, as any young boy curious about magic would. She replied, “There are people in this world who are smart enough to make things like this.” And then she kindly encouraged me to become one of those people; fixing things that were thought impossible. I’m slowly trying to figure out how to mend things with my own ability, but I am also wondering who will mend me when I have broken down.
---
Ryo has been watching me recently, I can feel it. I don’t know why he’s gotten such a sudden interest in me, but I hope it has nothing to do with me and Yamapi. I may not have been discreet enough with my short-lived relationship with him, but then again they are best friends. I can only hope that Yamapi’s got sense enough not to talk about such private issues like that.
I should have known it wasn’t going to work out from the very beginning. The way he asked me out so casually, the way he could just call me and tell me ‘something came up,’ and I would accept it. When I finally found the courage to ask him what was actually going on, it had been months in, and I think I realized I was asking too much of him. It was too much for him to be with me, knowing that he could be with several people at once. Thinking back on it, I truly believe he did try, for a little while at least, but even then, I couldn’t take it anymore.
”Sorry,” Yamapi said, lowering his head, guilty.
"You...you don't have to apologize." I replied trying to hold back the torrent of emotions.
“But-”
I cut him off, I knew it was for the best.
I thought I was the forgiving type, I thought I would never give up on something that I cared about. I was wrong.
And now…I’m slowly falling apart.
I know I am. People are starting to realize it too, but they don’t know the whole story.
---
Ryo keeps staring at me. I think he’s trying to read my mind, see through the façade that I’ve rebuilt. I guess the walls can only hold up for so long before they crumble, eroded by time and hardships.
Those walls that I’ve created had several cracks already, I’m sure. There definitely would be one labeled “Yamashita Tomohisa.” Even if I knew someone who would help seal those cracks, it wouldn’t last forever.
A warm, firm hand on my shoulder shakes me from my reverie. I manage a smile at Shige who’s sitting next to me, looking concerned. I joke that I’m only daydreaming and pretend to browse the magazine still in my hand, and he shakes his head calling me an airhead. At times like these, I am really grateful I have such close friends around, but then I remember that one of them is missing from the room; the one who’s on my mind that probably doesn’t even realize he’s always there.
---
I want to hate myself for giving up so easily, especially when there were moments I can recall with that hint of, what I want to call love, from him.
“Kei-chan,” Yamapi said in a sing-song manner as he plopped himself next to me.
“Yes?” I said, as I snuggled closer to him. It was one of those rare nights when we were both off and actually having an at-home movie date. We were just about to start the movie when he had decided to make some popcorn and hot cocoa to share.
He made himself comfortable next to me, and then slid the hot cup over to my side. We had one bowl of popcorn shared between us. Sometimes, our hands would go in at the same time, and instead of letting me pull my hand away, he’d grab it and squeeze it for a moment. And even though it was the simplest of moments, perhaps even silly, he would then let go and feed me some popcorn…I couldn’t help but think that there was something there that could last.
But then again, I read into situations all the time; I have to in order to understand and help when trouble comes up in our group, but I wish I could turn it off sometimes. I was just beginning to feel okay again, feeling like I could see Yamapi in the dressing room and not need to be the first person he speaks to. Time and forgetting had helped stop the cracks from growing in my not-so-solid walls, and it would have become a stronger defense, if I hadn’t let him get to me.
“Koyama,” his voice suddenly sounded too close.
I flinch away from it for a second before I realize that I’ve been thinking staring at the same page of the magazine for the past half hour.
“Look, do you think we could talk?” His voice sounded pleading.
I motioned for us to step outside for a moment into the hallway. I look at him expectantly.
“Koyama, I’m sorry.”
“For what? If it’s about the past, it’s the past, I can get ov-”
“No, I still wanted to say it. I know I’ve said it before, but it hurts me to see you this way.”
“Oh,” is all I could manage. “I guess I’ve been pretty obvious.” I chuckle a little, trying to shake the awkwardness with it.
Yamapi shifts a little, “Would it be really bad if I said I wanted to give it a second try…”
A million thoughts are running through my head and I want to scream “Yes, let’s try again,” but I am too selfish; I need to protect myself from breaking again.
“I-“
The next thing I know, his warm breath is against my neck and I can feel the beat of his heart against my own chest. I never did understand the term ‘melting,’ but feeling him now, it’s all too real.
I push away, stare at him shocked for a few moments, and ran down the hall. It might have seen like such an irrational thing to do at the time, but it was all I could to get away before my defenses started crumbling again.
Somehow, I find myself standing on the rooftop. It used to be used often for smoke breaks, but people are finding better places to relieve their stress. For the moment, I was free of any distraction. The thoughts in my mind could just flow out and nothing would happen.
No one knew me there. I would be just another person under the vast sky. I wouldn’t be Koyama Keiichiro. I wouldn’t be the guy who couldn’t let go. I wouldn’t be the person who needed to rebuild my crumbling walls.
---
Ryo found me later. I’m starting to think that he can read minds. He says it’s just coincidence, but I think he knows more than he’s letting on.
---
He sees my cracks. I don’t know how he’s doing it, but he sees them. I’m only thinking metaphorically, so that I can picture my heart breaking, so that I can suffer through it and just start over, but he sees this. I don’t know how, but Ryo sees that I’m slowly falling apart. Even as I’m thinking it, he’s walking over here, handing me some superglue, and telling me to fix myself. I would cry if I had it left in me, but Ryo’s already walked away, and I’m pretty sure he’s waiting for something to happen.
I look at the superglue in my hand and wonder if my mother was right. If the pieces still fit, would I still be able to glue the parts back together?
---
“Will you please stop staring at me, Nishikido-kun?” I’m trying to be nice about, but it’s really kind of rude.
“Only if you stop acting like you’re going to fall apart with one touch,” Ryo replies, not looking up from the meal he’s slowly eating.
“Look, Ryo, I understand you’re looking out for me, and I’m thankful for that, but don’t you think I need some time for this?” I’m almost wishing he could be a little easier on me, but that’s not in his nature. He’s only doing this because he thinks it’s for the best. And I’m only doing this because it’s the only way for me to move on.
“No, you need to get a clue. Start taking action. Time isn’t going to do you any favors.”
---
In the end, talking to him only makes it worse. He keeps reminding me, telling me that I better not break into a thousand pieces.
I never had that many to begin with.
When you love someone, they almost always take a little piece of you with them.
I guess that’s why, I don’t think I can ever be fixed.
Alternate Ending
“I’m not as dense as people might think I am. I knew what you meant when you handed me that superglue.” I say to Ryo one day, a few months after my confrontation with him. He’s found me on the roof again, but this time, it’s a welcomed presence.
“Yea? Did you finally learn how to use it?” Ryo says, staring ahead.
“Superglue can’t piece me back together, Ryo-chan.” I smile a little, remembering my mother’s advice. “I’m better off trying to fix other things than myself.”
“Who fixes you then?” Sometimes I still wonder how Ryo can read my thoughts, especially ones even I had forgotten.
“Other people who can’t fix themselves?” I joke.
Ryo scoffs. “Oh great.”
He speaks up after a few moments. “The heart doesn’t break that easily, Koyama. It is the most resilient muscle in our body. It continues to beat even when it’s tired and strained. But if it’s one thing I believe, it’s that we don’t die of old age. We die when our hearts can’t fight off the tiredness anymore. That’s when it breaks.”
I look at him and he glances over at me for a moment. “You don’t need to be fixed just yet, Koyama.”
Word Count: 1,756
Group/Pairing: NEWS; Koyama/Yamapi, very little Ryo/Koyama
Notes: Beta-ed by madpig4life. It's a whole lot of angst and introspection.
Remix of To Shatter the Pieces More by shatteredtenshi
---
When I was 6 years old, I remember my mother had fixed one of my favorite toys that some bully had broken. It seemed like magic at the time, but now I know it was superglue. I remember asking her if it could fix anything, and her response was “as long as you still have the pieces that are broken and if they still fit.” I asked how it was done once, as any young boy curious about magic would. She replied, “There are people in this world who are smart enough to make things like this.” And then she kindly encouraged me to become one of those people; fixing things that were thought impossible. I’m slowly trying to figure out how to mend things with my own ability, but I am also wondering who will mend me when I have broken down.
---
Ryo has been watching me recently, I can feel it. I don’t know why he’s gotten such a sudden interest in me, but I hope it has nothing to do with me and Yamapi. I may not have been discreet enough with my short-lived relationship with him, but then again they are best friends. I can only hope that Yamapi’s got sense enough not to talk about such private issues like that.
I should have known it wasn’t going to work out from the very beginning. The way he asked me out so casually, the way he could just call me and tell me ‘something came up,’ and I would accept it. When I finally found the courage to ask him what was actually going on, it had been months in, and I think I realized I was asking too much of him. It was too much for him to be with me, knowing that he could be with several people at once. Thinking back on it, I truly believe he did try, for a little while at least, but even then, I couldn’t take it anymore.
”Sorry,” Yamapi said, lowering his head, guilty.
"You...you don't have to apologize." I replied trying to hold back the torrent of emotions.
“But-”
I cut him off, I knew it was for the best.
I thought I was the forgiving type, I thought I would never give up on something that I cared about. I was wrong.
And now…I’m slowly falling apart.
I know I am. People are starting to realize it too, but they don’t know the whole story.
---
Ryo keeps staring at me. I think he’s trying to read my mind, see through the façade that I’ve rebuilt. I guess the walls can only hold up for so long before they crumble, eroded by time and hardships.
Those walls that I’ve created had several cracks already, I’m sure. There definitely would be one labeled “Yamashita Tomohisa.” Even if I knew someone who would help seal those cracks, it wouldn’t last forever.
A warm, firm hand on my shoulder shakes me from my reverie. I manage a smile at Shige who’s sitting next to me, looking concerned. I joke that I’m only daydreaming and pretend to browse the magazine still in my hand, and he shakes his head calling me an airhead. At times like these, I am really grateful I have such close friends around, but then I remember that one of them is missing from the room; the one who’s on my mind that probably doesn’t even realize he’s always there.
---
I want to hate myself for giving up so easily, especially when there were moments I can recall with that hint of, what I want to call love, from him.
“Kei-chan,” Yamapi said in a sing-song manner as he plopped himself next to me.
“Yes?” I said, as I snuggled closer to him. It was one of those rare nights when we were both off and actually having an at-home movie date. We were just about to start the movie when he had decided to make some popcorn and hot cocoa to share.
He made himself comfortable next to me, and then slid the hot cup over to my side. We had one bowl of popcorn shared between us. Sometimes, our hands would go in at the same time, and instead of letting me pull my hand away, he’d grab it and squeeze it for a moment. And even though it was the simplest of moments, perhaps even silly, he would then let go and feed me some popcorn…I couldn’t help but think that there was something there that could last.
But then again, I read into situations all the time; I have to in order to understand and help when trouble comes up in our group, but I wish I could turn it off sometimes. I was just beginning to feel okay again, feeling like I could see Yamapi in the dressing room and not need to be the first person he speaks to. Time and forgetting had helped stop the cracks from growing in my not-so-solid walls, and it would have become a stronger defense, if I hadn’t let him get to me.
“Koyama,” his voice suddenly sounded too close.
I flinch away from it for a second before I realize that I’ve been thinking staring at the same page of the magazine for the past half hour.
“Look, do you think we could talk?” His voice sounded pleading.
I motioned for us to step outside for a moment into the hallway. I look at him expectantly.
“Koyama, I’m sorry.”
“For what? If it’s about the past, it’s the past, I can get ov-”
“No, I still wanted to say it. I know I’ve said it before, but it hurts me to see you this way.”
“Oh,” is all I could manage. “I guess I’ve been pretty obvious.” I chuckle a little, trying to shake the awkwardness with it.
Yamapi shifts a little, “Would it be really bad if I said I wanted to give it a second try…”
A million thoughts are running through my head and I want to scream “Yes, let’s try again,” but I am too selfish; I need to protect myself from breaking again.
“I-“
The next thing I know, his warm breath is against my neck and I can feel the beat of his heart against my own chest. I never did understand the term ‘melting,’ but feeling him now, it’s all too real.
I push away, stare at him shocked for a few moments, and ran down the hall. It might have seen like such an irrational thing to do at the time, but it was all I could to get away before my defenses started crumbling again.
Somehow, I find myself standing on the rooftop. It used to be used often for smoke breaks, but people are finding better places to relieve their stress. For the moment, I was free of any distraction. The thoughts in my mind could just flow out and nothing would happen.
No one knew me there. I would be just another person under the vast sky. I wouldn’t be Koyama Keiichiro. I wouldn’t be the guy who couldn’t let go. I wouldn’t be the person who needed to rebuild my crumbling walls.
---
Ryo found me later. I’m starting to think that he can read minds. He says it’s just coincidence, but I think he knows more than he’s letting on.
---
He sees my cracks. I don’t know how he’s doing it, but he sees them. I’m only thinking metaphorically, so that I can picture my heart breaking, so that I can suffer through it and just start over, but he sees this. I don’t know how, but Ryo sees that I’m slowly falling apart. Even as I’m thinking it, he’s walking over here, handing me some superglue, and telling me to fix myself. I would cry if I had it left in me, but Ryo’s already walked away, and I’m pretty sure he’s waiting for something to happen.
I look at the superglue in my hand and wonder if my mother was right. If the pieces still fit, would I still be able to glue the parts back together?
---
“Will you please stop staring at me, Nishikido-kun?” I’m trying to be nice about, but it’s really kind of rude.
“Only if you stop acting like you’re going to fall apart with one touch,” Ryo replies, not looking up from the meal he’s slowly eating.
“Look, Ryo, I understand you’re looking out for me, and I’m thankful for that, but don’t you think I need some time for this?” I’m almost wishing he could be a little easier on me, but that’s not in his nature. He’s only doing this because he thinks it’s for the best. And I’m only doing this because it’s the only way for me to move on.
“No, you need to get a clue. Start taking action. Time isn’t going to do you any favors.”
---
In the end, talking to him only makes it worse. He keeps reminding me, telling me that I better not break into a thousand pieces.
I never had that many to begin with.
When you love someone, they almost always take a little piece of you with them.
I guess that’s why, I don’t think I can ever be fixed.
Alternate Ending
“I’m not as dense as people might think I am. I knew what you meant when you handed me that superglue.” I say to Ryo one day, a few months after my confrontation with him. He’s found me on the roof again, but this time, it’s a welcomed presence.
“Yea? Did you finally learn how to use it?” Ryo says, staring ahead.
“Superglue can’t piece me back together, Ryo-chan.” I smile a little, remembering my mother’s advice. “I’m better off trying to fix other things than myself.”
“Who fixes you then?” Sometimes I still wonder how Ryo can read my thoughts, especially ones even I had forgotten.
“Other people who can’t fix themselves?” I joke.
Ryo scoffs. “Oh great.”
He speaks up after a few moments. “The heart doesn’t break that easily, Koyama. It is the most resilient muscle in our body. It continues to beat even when it’s tired and strained. But if it’s one thing I believe, it’s that we don’t die of old age. We die when our hearts can’t fight off the tiredness anymore. That’s when it breaks.”
I look at him and he glances over at me for a moment. “You don’t need to be fixed just yet, Koyama.”