Unexpected Destinies Chapter 13
Title Unexpected Destinies
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: up to and including Exile on Main St., AU from the end of season 5
Warnings: AU
Word Count: 2,403
Summary: Dean ponders everything Castiel said about Sam.
PAST
When Dean finally stopped driving, he was four states from where he'd started and in the middle of a deserted stretch of highway that extended off into the distance as far as the eye could see. He'd always liked Arizona and therefore wasn't very surprised that he'd chosen here to pull to the side of the road. He sat looking at the slowly sinking sun as the Impala's engine ticked while cooling. He'd have to give her a thorough check soon. Sure, he'd repainted her trunk after the werewolf incident, but it was about time that he checked everything else.
Although he'd stopped whenever she needed gas, Dean knew that he'd been riding his baby hard these past few days but he hadn't been able to help it. He thought best while on the road and his last conversation with Castiel had definitely given him a lot to think about. The fact he could think of the angel without any of the anger he'd felt when he'd stormed out of that motel room was a clear indication that he'd worked through most of the issues raised.
Oh, Dean wasn't stupid enough to think that he'd dealt with all of it, but he no longer felt the blinding pain he'd had before every time he thought of Sam and what his brother had done. Yes, it still hurt like a son of a bitch, but now at least he could think about it somewhat rationally. The rest would only come with time and he was glad Castiel had pointed out that this was something that he currently had enough of. At least as far as this particular issue was concerned. Sam still thought him to be at Lisa's and thus he wouldn't see his brother for a while. For nearly the first time in his life, he felt that was a good thing.
Much as he hated to admit it, Castiel had been right about Sam. His little brother had betrayed him several times in the past year and it hadn't been his own fault. He had done his best to make Sammy see the truth about Ruby and had tried to steer him back on track, but his brother had refused to listen to him. What more could he have done short of forcing Sam to do what he wanted? If he'd known how things would turn out, then he'd have been tempted to do precisely that, but at the time... Like Castiel had said, he valued free will too much to take it away without a damn good reason, especially from his own brother.
With a sigh, Dean pulled his cell from his pocket. He hesitated briefly before he sent a text with his approximate location to Cas.
Within seconds there was the flutter of wings and Castiel sat beside him in the passenger seat. The rapid response made Dean feel guilty as he had no doubt that the angel had been waiting for his message. He'd left without telling him where he was going and hadn't bothered to contact him since.
"Sorry," Dean apologized.
"You needed time to think and you do that best while on the road."
It never failed to amaze Dean just how well Castiel knew him. Logically it made sense, the angel had literally held his soul in the palm of his hand after all, but emotionally... Well, he'd never had that before, that type of connection with someone else. Even his father hadn't known him as well as Cas seemed to.
"Thanks."
For understanding, for not pestering him these past few days, for being there when he was ready.
Castiel merely nodded, but when Dean looked closer, he could almost detect something that looked like fear or nervousness in the angel's eyes. Oddly enough, that only served to warm Dean even more. The angel had done what he had despite knowing that it might adversely affect their relationship and all because he'd felt it was necessary for Dean.
And it was. Dean could see that now. It had hurt like hell, it still hurt like hell, but now that he'd been able to put some perspective on it, he could admit that it had been necessary. His drinking had seriously started getting out of hand, even more so than before Stull and it had been bad then. Oh, that wasn't to say that he hadn't had serious provocation, but he could now see that it was neither helpful nor necessary. Nor would it allow him to do his best to try and finish this Goddamn Apocalypse once and for all. The last thing he wanted was to fail in that because he'd been too drunk off his ass to take an opportunity if it presented itself.
No, not if, when. When it presented itself.
To his amazement, Dean found that he could be more positive without the alcohol. He'd originally turned to it in a desperate attempt to dull the pain and the emptiness, but all it had done was serve to make everything that much more bleak. He found that his head was clearer now, that he was better able to see things as they really were, then he ever could with the whiskey. Well, it was a combination of the lack of alcohol and the truth that Castiel had stuffed down his throat in such a manner that even he could no longer avoid it, despite all of his best efforts.
Which brought him right back around to the angel's nervousness and fear now. When Dean had first taking off, it had been in anger, pain and denial. He'd done his best to outrun their confrontation and everything that Castiel had said. He'd hoped that by putting physical distance between himself and that motel room, he'd be able to put an equal distance between himself and those words. Needlessly to say, he'd failed, spectacularly.
Not that Dean was in the least regretful of that right now. No, if anything, he was thankful for it because although it had hurt worse than anything he'd thought possible, he now felt freer and lighter than he had in years. Which wasn't to say that he felt anything remotely like what a normal person would classify as 'okay,' but for him it was fantastic. Even if it had come at the expense of one of the worst driving experiences he'd ever had. He didn't even want to think of his state of mind all through Arkansas and Oklahoma and he wouldn't, ever again, if he could help it.
He wasn't miraculously cured or anything stupid like that, but Dean now at least felt like he could handle things without having a complete melt down. Despite everything, thinking of Sam and what he'd done still hurt like a bitch, but it wasn't the all consuming, mind-numbing pain from before.
"I'm sorry."
The words were whispered, but Dean heard them loud and clear. "For what?"
"For hurting you."
"You were trying to help me."
"But I still hurt you and for that I'm sorry."
Dean could hear the sincerity in those words and gave Castiel a strained smile. The angel meant it, he really meant it and that meant more to him than he could say. He just hoped that Cas would be able to read that from him the way he seemed to be able to read so many other things from him.
"Yeah, you did, but it was needed so, thanks, Cas."
"Your welcome, Dean."
The silence stretched between them, but it was not uncomfortable and, for once, Dean didn't feel the need to try and fill it. He was just surprised that he'd either turned his music off at some point or had never turned it on to begin with. Somewhat disturbingly, he found that he didn't know which of the two it was.
When he glanced back at the angel, Dean found that he was watching him. Their eyes locked and he took comfort from the now familiar connection. The time when this had not only been foreign, but uncomfortable for him was but a distant and vague memory. Now he enjoyed the companionship and security those blue eyes had come to represent. Castiel was the only person he had left and that was...
Something he really didn't want to think about right now. "So, any news about the cage or those strange occurrences?"
"Nothing of import. We have found the causes of some of the occurrences, but they inevitably are things which should not have transpired."
"Great."
"As for the cage, it continues to deteriorate at the rate that I predicted."
"Okay, so T minus ten weeks until show time."
"I am unfamiliar with that reference."
Dean laughed, that was just so typical Cas that it was relaxing. "It's another way to talk about a countdown."
"Ah, I see, then yes, it is about ten weeks until the cage should be insufficiently strong to continue to hold my brothers."
"And I don't suppose you've got a lead on anything that might help us?"
"Not yet, though I have started looking through resources that were previously inaccessible to me."
"Yeah?"
"Heaven has a vast library with many volumes unavailable on Earth."
"Heaven, library, check. Something else I can add to the list of things I don't like about that place," Dean stated.
Castiel's jaw tightened and he looked angry, though Dean didn't think that it was directed at him. At a guess, he'd say it was directed at Zachariah for that stunt he'd pulled back when Roy and Walt had killed him and Sam. He didn't know if the angel had asked Sam for details or whether his brother had chosen to just tell Cas about them, but either way he knew that his friend was aware of exactly what Zachariah had done in that last memory of his. Of how he had twisted one of the few remaining memories he had of his mother and turned her into some horrible caricature of herself so that the bastard could use her against him. For that alone, he'd gladly have killed the son of a bitch, the rest had just been a bonus.
"Heaven is no longer what you remember it to be," Castiel began. "Not that you saw a very normal version of it to begin with."
"That's good. So, books?"
"Yes, far older ones than even most of Bobby's collection and from a different point of view."
"I know I'm going to regret this, but do you need any help?"
"Another set of eyes would be useful, yes."
Even as he said this, Castiel was reaching out towards him with two fingers. Dean eyed them resignedly but didn't reach out to interfere. It made sense to get right at it and the nearest motel was probably another hour or two's drive away. His lack of reaction seemed to surprise the angel who paused and looked at him inquiringly.
"What?" Dean demanded.
"You normally stop me until you know precisely what I'm going to do."
A shrug. "I trust you, Cas, you're not going to do anything untoward. Besides, aren't you just planning on taking me somewhere?"
"No, I know you prefer to drive unless it's an emergency."
Dean frowned a little, pleased that Castiel had gotten that message, but not sure what that left. "Okay, so what are you planning on doing?"
"The books are in Enochian, I would like to give you the ability to both read and understand them."
"You're gonna download a language into my head?" Dean's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Isn't that like, against the rules or something?"
"Not if I say so as I make the rules now."
"Is this gonna hurt? 'Cause I gotta say, Cas, it sounds like it will."
"No, not really. It will probably give you a headache and make your head swim for a minute while the knowledge sinks in, but then everything will be fine."
Dean sighed as he thought about this for a second. It didn't sound particularly nice, but on the other hand, it was Enochian. If Lucifer and Michael really were coming back for round two, then it was a really good idea for him to know the language. Besides, much as he hated researching, he'd rather do that than sit around on his ass all day, just waiting for the fight to come to him. Things would be much better off if they could find a way to keep the devil and his brother in their cage.
"Okay, hit me with it."
Castiel's lips twitched at the wording and Dean smiled himself at the reminder of the last time he'd used those words. The overall topic hadn't been great, but that little moment they'd shared, teasing each other, was nice. It was the little things that counted these days.
Then Castiel's fingers were on his forehead and all other thoughts fled Dean's mind. The feeling of what happened next was indescribable as he had no real frame of reference for it. It was almost like something was being poured into his head though it felt neither like a liquid nor any other kind of fluid he knew. It made his brain swell and it felt like it was going to burst from his skull. And, fuck, Cas hadn't been kidding when he said there'd be a headache! By the time he could almost feel the knowledge settle in, he was already tuning out, not able to handle all of the details.
When Dean came back to himself, he was resting his head against Castiel's shoulder who'd moved closer to him and the angel had an arm wrapped around his waist, supporting him. He blinked a few times, trying to reorient himself and waiting for the remaining sense of fullness to fade away. Christ, if this was how it felt to gain a little knowledge, he really didn't want to know what having an entire angel inside his meatsuit alongside him would feel like. Thank God Castiel had prevented him from finding that one out first hand!
The angel was murmuring softly to him and it took Dean a few moments to realize that the meaningless words had a different rhythm and flow to them from normal. From English. He jerked his head up and stared wide-eyed at Castiel as he realized that his friend was speaking in Enochian.
Chapter 14
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: up to and including Exile on Main St., AU from the end of season 5
Warnings: AU
Word Count: 2,403
Summary: Dean ponders everything Castiel said about Sam.
PAST
When Dean finally stopped driving, he was four states from where he'd started and in the middle of a deserted stretch of highway that extended off into the distance as far as the eye could see. He'd always liked Arizona and therefore wasn't very surprised that he'd chosen here to pull to the side of the road. He sat looking at the slowly sinking sun as the Impala's engine ticked while cooling. He'd have to give her a thorough check soon. Sure, he'd repainted her trunk after the werewolf incident, but it was about time that he checked everything else.
Although he'd stopped whenever she needed gas, Dean knew that he'd been riding his baby hard these past few days but he hadn't been able to help it. He thought best while on the road and his last conversation with Castiel had definitely given him a lot to think about. The fact he could think of the angel without any of the anger he'd felt when he'd stormed out of that motel room was a clear indication that he'd worked through most of the issues raised.
Oh, Dean wasn't stupid enough to think that he'd dealt with all of it, but he no longer felt the blinding pain he'd had before every time he thought of Sam and what his brother had done. Yes, it still hurt like a son of a bitch, but now at least he could think about it somewhat rationally. The rest would only come with time and he was glad Castiel had pointed out that this was something that he currently had enough of. At least as far as this particular issue was concerned. Sam still thought him to be at Lisa's and thus he wouldn't see his brother for a while. For nearly the first time in his life, he felt that was a good thing.
Much as he hated to admit it, Castiel had been right about Sam. His little brother had betrayed him several times in the past year and it hadn't been his own fault. He had done his best to make Sammy see the truth about Ruby and had tried to steer him back on track, but his brother had refused to listen to him. What more could he have done short of forcing Sam to do what he wanted? If he'd known how things would turn out, then he'd have been tempted to do precisely that, but at the time... Like Castiel had said, he valued free will too much to take it away without a damn good reason, especially from his own brother.
With a sigh, Dean pulled his cell from his pocket. He hesitated briefly before he sent a text with his approximate location to Cas.
Within seconds there was the flutter of wings and Castiel sat beside him in the passenger seat. The rapid response made Dean feel guilty as he had no doubt that the angel had been waiting for his message. He'd left without telling him where he was going and hadn't bothered to contact him since.
"Sorry," Dean apologized.
"You needed time to think and you do that best while on the road."
It never failed to amaze Dean just how well Castiel knew him. Logically it made sense, the angel had literally held his soul in the palm of his hand after all, but emotionally... Well, he'd never had that before, that type of connection with someone else. Even his father hadn't known him as well as Cas seemed to.
"Thanks."
For understanding, for not pestering him these past few days, for being there when he was ready.
Castiel merely nodded, but when Dean looked closer, he could almost detect something that looked like fear or nervousness in the angel's eyes. Oddly enough, that only served to warm Dean even more. The angel had done what he had despite knowing that it might adversely affect their relationship and all because he'd felt it was necessary for Dean.
And it was. Dean could see that now. It had hurt like hell, it still hurt like hell, but now that he'd been able to put some perspective on it, he could admit that it had been necessary. His drinking had seriously started getting out of hand, even more so than before Stull and it had been bad then. Oh, that wasn't to say that he hadn't had serious provocation, but he could now see that it was neither helpful nor necessary. Nor would it allow him to do his best to try and finish this Goddamn Apocalypse once and for all. The last thing he wanted was to fail in that because he'd been too drunk off his ass to take an opportunity if it presented itself.
No, not if, when. When it presented itself.
To his amazement, Dean found that he could be more positive without the alcohol. He'd originally turned to it in a desperate attempt to dull the pain and the emptiness, but all it had done was serve to make everything that much more bleak. He found that his head was clearer now, that he was better able to see things as they really were, then he ever could with the whiskey. Well, it was a combination of the lack of alcohol and the truth that Castiel had stuffed down his throat in such a manner that even he could no longer avoid it, despite all of his best efforts.
Which brought him right back around to the angel's nervousness and fear now. When Dean had first taking off, it had been in anger, pain and denial. He'd done his best to outrun their confrontation and everything that Castiel had said. He'd hoped that by putting physical distance between himself and that motel room, he'd be able to put an equal distance between himself and those words. Needlessly to say, he'd failed, spectacularly.
Not that Dean was in the least regretful of that right now. No, if anything, he was thankful for it because although it had hurt worse than anything he'd thought possible, he now felt freer and lighter than he had in years. Which wasn't to say that he felt anything remotely like what a normal person would classify as 'okay,' but for him it was fantastic. Even if it had come at the expense of one of the worst driving experiences he'd ever had. He didn't even want to think of his state of mind all through Arkansas and Oklahoma and he wouldn't, ever again, if he could help it.
He wasn't miraculously cured or anything stupid like that, but Dean now at least felt like he could handle things without having a complete melt down. Despite everything, thinking of Sam and what he'd done still hurt like a bitch, but it wasn't the all consuming, mind-numbing pain from before.
"I'm sorry."
The words were whispered, but Dean heard them loud and clear. "For what?"
"For hurting you."
"You were trying to help me."
"But I still hurt you and for that I'm sorry."
Dean could hear the sincerity in those words and gave Castiel a strained smile. The angel meant it, he really meant it and that meant more to him than he could say. He just hoped that Cas would be able to read that from him the way he seemed to be able to read so many other things from him.
"Yeah, you did, but it was needed so, thanks, Cas."
"Your welcome, Dean."
The silence stretched between them, but it was not uncomfortable and, for once, Dean didn't feel the need to try and fill it. He was just surprised that he'd either turned his music off at some point or had never turned it on to begin with. Somewhat disturbingly, he found that he didn't know which of the two it was.
When he glanced back at the angel, Dean found that he was watching him. Their eyes locked and he took comfort from the now familiar connection. The time when this had not only been foreign, but uncomfortable for him was but a distant and vague memory. Now he enjoyed the companionship and security those blue eyes had come to represent. Castiel was the only person he had left and that was...
Something he really didn't want to think about right now. "So, any news about the cage or those strange occurrences?"
"Nothing of import. We have found the causes of some of the occurrences, but they inevitably are things which should not have transpired."
"Great."
"As for the cage, it continues to deteriorate at the rate that I predicted."
"Okay, so T minus ten weeks until show time."
"I am unfamiliar with that reference."
Dean laughed, that was just so typical Cas that it was relaxing. "It's another way to talk about a countdown."
"Ah, I see, then yes, it is about ten weeks until the cage should be insufficiently strong to continue to hold my brothers."
"And I don't suppose you've got a lead on anything that might help us?"
"Not yet, though I have started looking through resources that were previously inaccessible to me."
"Yeah?"
"Heaven has a vast library with many volumes unavailable on Earth."
"Heaven, library, check. Something else I can add to the list of things I don't like about that place," Dean stated.
Castiel's jaw tightened and he looked angry, though Dean didn't think that it was directed at him. At a guess, he'd say it was directed at Zachariah for that stunt he'd pulled back when Roy and Walt had killed him and Sam. He didn't know if the angel had asked Sam for details or whether his brother had chosen to just tell Cas about them, but either way he knew that his friend was aware of exactly what Zachariah had done in that last memory of his. Of how he had twisted one of the few remaining memories he had of his mother and turned her into some horrible caricature of herself so that the bastard could use her against him. For that alone, he'd gladly have killed the son of a bitch, the rest had just been a bonus.
"Heaven is no longer what you remember it to be," Castiel began. "Not that you saw a very normal version of it to begin with."
"That's good. So, books?"
"Yes, far older ones than even most of Bobby's collection and from a different point of view."
"I know I'm going to regret this, but do you need any help?"
"Another set of eyes would be useful, yes."
Even as he said this, Castiel was reaching out towards him with two fingers. Dean eyed them resignedly but didn't reach out to interfere. It made sense to get right at it and the nearest motel was probably another hour or two's drive away. His lack of reaction seemed to surprise the angel who paused and looked at him inquiringly.
"What?" Dean demanded.
"You normally stop me until you know precisely what I'm going to do."
A shrug. "I trust you, Cas, you're not going to do anything untoward. Besides, aren't you just planning on taking me somewhere?"
"No, I know you prefer to drive unless it's an emergency."
Dean frowned a little, pleased that Castiel had gotten that message, but not sure what that left. "Okay, so what are you planning on doing?"
"The books are in Enochian, I would like to give you the ability to both read and understand them."
"You're gonna download a language into my head?" Dean's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Isn't that like, against the rules or something?"
"Not if I say so as I make the rules now."
"Is this gonna hurt? 'Cause I gotta say, Cas, it sounds like it will."
"No, not really. It will probably give you a headache and make your head swim for a minute while the knowledge sinks in, but then everything will be fine."
Dean sighed as he thought about this for a second. It didn't sound particularly nice, but on the other hand, it was Enochian. If Lucifer and Michael really were coming back for round two, then it was a really good idea for him to know the language. Besides, much as he hated researching, he'd rather do that than sit around on his ass all day, just waiting for the fight to come to him. Things would be much better off if they could find a way to keep the devil and his brother in their cage.
"Okay, hit me with it."
Castiel's lips twitched at the wording and Dean smiled himself at the reminder of the last time he'd used those words. The overall topic hadn't been great, but that little moment they'd shared, teasing each other, was nice. It was the little things that counted these days.
Then Castiel's fingers were on his forehead and all other thoughts fled Dean's mind. The feeling of what happened next was indescribable as he had no real frame of reference for it. It was almost like something was being poured into his head though it felt neither like a liquid nor any other kind of fluid he knew. It made his brain swell and it felt like it was going to burst from his skull. And, fuck, Cas hadn't been kidding when he said there'd be a headache! By the time he could almost feel the knowledge settle in, he was already tuning out, not able to handle all of the details.
When Dean came back to himself, he was resting his head against Castiel's shoulder who'd moved closer to him and the angel had an arm wrapped around his waist, supporting him. He blinked a few times, trying to reorient himself and waiting for the remaining sense of fullness to fade away. Christ, if this was how it felt to gain a little knowledge, he really didn't want to know what having an entire angel inside his meatsuit alongside him would feel like. Thank God Castiel had prevented him from finding that one out first hand!
The angel was murmuring softly to him and it took Dean a few moments to realize that the meaningless words had a different rhythm and flow to them from normal. From English. He jerked his head up and stared wide-eyed at Castiel as he realized that his friend was speaking in Enochian.
Chapter 14