Unexpected Destinies Chapter 12
Title Unexpected Destinies
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: up to and including Exile on Main St., AU from the end of season 5
Warnings: AU
Word Count: 2,433
Summary: "But that is not what we need to discuss at this time."
PAST
"Sure it is," Dean replied, taking a seat on the bed. "Seeing as we've got the Apocalypse looming again, I think it's a very important topic of conversation and one that needs much discussion."
"Indeed it does, but not at this time."
"You know what they say, Cas, there's no time like the present."
"No, I did not know that they say that, but it's now time to face the truth, Dean."
"Cas, I-"
"Sam betrayed you, Dean. Again."
The hunter flinched at the harsh words and Castiel felt bad for hurting him. Unfortunately, however, it was necessary or he would never subject his charge to this emotional torture. If Dean didn't confront this, not only would he continue his self-destructive behavior, but he would be leaving himself wide open to the enemy. There was little doubt in his mind that Lucifer would use Sam against Dean in any way he could. As for Michael... well, he wouldn't put it past him either if he felt it might gain him his intended vessel.
Instead of replying, Dean seemed to pull into himself and it broke Castiel's heart, knowing what he had to do next, but there was no way around it. With two steps, he completely invaded the hunter's personal space and grasped his chin, forcing the human to look him in the eye. He wasn't going to allow Dean to do anything but hear and acknowledge what he was saying.
"Dean, your whole life you have given everything to your brother, everything. When you felt it necessary, you even sold your soul for him, something which no one deserves." Predictably, the hunter started to open his mouth to protest. "No, Dean, your soul is your most precious possession. It is your very essence, who and what you are at your very core. No one is worthy of that gift, no one. And yet, despite that, you gave it away for Sam, you sold it and went to Hell for him. And what did your brother do then, Dean?"
"He tried to get me out, he tried to save me!" Dean replied desperately, his hands coming up to clutch the angel's wrist.
Castiel knew his friend wanted to break free, to look away and yet he applied no great force to the hand constraining him. Whether that was because he felt it futile or because some part of him recognized that they had to get this, all of this, out into the open, he didn't know, but he desperately hoped it was the latter even though he doubted that was the case.
"Did he? Did he really?" Castiel questioned. "Or was he simply trying to assuage his own guilt for having put you in that position in the first place?"
"Huh?"
"From what I heard, he was sorry that he couldn't get you out, that he had failed to save you or that he hadn't been able to help," Castiel pushed relentlessly. "Never once did I hear him say that he was glad you'd been saved, regardless of how it was done or who did it."
Dean closed his eyes and swallowed deeply, attempting to shake his head in denial.
"And how did he repay you, Dean? How did Sam thank you for your unbelievable sacrifice?"
The hunter was starting to tremble now though Castiel noted that since he'd started, Dean hadn't asked him to stop. The fingers at his wrist now dug into his vessel's skin, as the other hand did in his trench coat, but Dean wasn't pushing or pulling. Dean wasn't attempting to shove him away. He took it as a good sign, not that he'd have stopped otherwise. This merely made it marginally easier. Marginally.
"He betrayed you, Dean. For what you'd done, for all that you'd suffered, he betrayed you. For a demon."
This, finally, seemed to have more of an effect. Dean jerked in his grasp and seemed to come to life.
"No! He didn't do it on purpose, he wasn't himself," Dean denied, forcefully pulling his chin free. "It was the blood, the demon blood was affecting him, twisting him into something he's not!"
"And how did he come to be on the demon blood?"
Castiel wasn't going to give Dean an inch of mercy. Not in this. Not when his friend was so good at using any and all opportunities he could to justify Sam's behavior and blame himself instead for whatever his brother had done. Dean deserved better than that and he was determined to make sure that the hunter came to realize this too. Helping his charge overcome the vicious cycle he'd fallen into regarding Sam was the single best gift he could give him. If not, he knew it was only a matter of time before Dean caved and contacted Sam, who'd then feed him some story, or before he justified Sam's behavior to himself on his own. Either option would end with Dean going back to Sam and opening himself up for this kind of hurt all over again.
No, it was high time that Dean understood his own worth and Castiel wanted desperately to help him get there. Once that was accomplished, then Dean could go back to Sam if he wished, so long as he stood up for himself when it really mattered. In truth, though, he hoped that once Dean was at that point, that he'd no longer need his brother as blindly as he did now.
"I don't know," Dean whispered.
"Yes, you do," Castiel pushed. "Sam decided to start taking it. Whatever you want to say about what he did while under its influence and taint, at the beginning he made a conscious choice to start drinking it."
"We don't know that! For all we know, it was forced onto him."
"Did Sam tell you that, Dean?"
"No."
"Then what did he say?"
"Nothing."
"Did you ask him about it?"
Dean looked away from him, his hands clenching at his side.
"Did you ask him about it, Dean?"
"No, okay? I didn't ask him about it. There, are you happy now?"
"I will be happy when you are once more."
The hunter snorted, anger starting to leak through. Castiel was almost surprised at how long it had taken to surface. That was one of Dean's other defense mechanisms.
"Then maybe you should stop with the twenty questions."
"I intend to ask more than twenty questions."
"No, it's a- never mind, it means I don't like this."
"If you did, you wouldn't be you."
"Are you actually going anywhere with this bullshit?"
"Yes. Why didn't you ask him about it?"
Dean turned to glare at him before starting to rise from the bed. Castiel moved to block him.
"You didn't because you were afraid that you wouldn't like the answer. One does not get addicted from one exposure, it takes a few repetitions as with most drugs."
"No," softly, denial.
"You knew you wouldn't like it because you knew he'd made a conscious decision to start drinking Ruby's blood."
"It's not his fault!"
"Why not?"
"He was desperate. Hell, I sold my soul when in his place!"
"And if you'd been able to stop it from happening or take it back afterwards, without adversely affecting the results of the deal, would you have?"
"Of course, you know we tried."
"So why didn't Sam stop when you'd gotten out? Why did he choose to continue down a path he knew could only lead to darkness?"
"I- I don't know," Dean admitted.
"Was his quest for vengeance for what he'd suffered really that much more important than you, Dean? Than your welfare after such a traumatic experience?"
"That's not what it was!"
"No? So Sam asked if you wanted to go after Lilith the way you did? Because he made a choice, Dean, a conscious choice to focus on going after her despite the fact that you were back and needed help-"
"I didn't need help!"
"- to ignore that you were suffering as a result of what had happened to you. To the horrors you had experienced. He chose vengeance over you long before he chose Ruby over you, Dean."
The pain was clear in the hunter's green eyes now and it hurt Castiel twice as bad to know that he'd put it there. It tempted him to just stop, to let it go, but he couldn't. That would only serve to hurt Dean more in the long run and make his present suffering pointless.
"Sam hasn't always made the best of choices," Dean said and Castiel felt the human urge to snort. "But that's my fault."
"How?"
"I'm the one who raised him, who taught him what was right and wrong, or was supposed to anyway. Clearly, I fucked that up like everything else."
"Dean, no!" Castiel exclaimed, horrified. "That is not true, you did the best you could. It was a remarkable job given that you too were only a child."
"Yeah? Then why'd he do all that?"
"Because he chose to, Dean, that's why. Parents, or others who raise a child, are not responsible for everything that child does. All they can do is teach them what's right and guide them on their way, that's all. What happens beyond that is entirely up to the child."
"But-"
"No, Dean. It's called free will, that thing you value so much. Sam's got his and has, of his own volition, chosen the path that he's currently on. You advised him against it on numerous occasions, but he still chose it. Yes, he had many obstacles placed in his path and, yes, you made mistakes, but in the end he and only he chose what to do with those. What to make of them. He chose to break his promise to you never to use his powers, he chose to start drinking demon blood, he chose to not let you know of his escape from Hell and he chose to reveal your secrets to the hunters he is currently staying with. Those are all decisions that he and he alone made."
"But I made mistakes, you said so yourself."
Castiel fought the urge to try shaking some sense into the hunter. Of course that was what he'd heard.
"Of course you made mistakes, Dean, all parents do and you weren't even that. You were a child yourself. That meant there were many things regarding Sam's upbringing that you couldn't control, such as whether or not you stayed in one place for any length of time. Besides, would you leave a child to raise another child, Dean?"
"It depends."
"No, it doesn't. Would you?"
The silence stretched for so long that Castiel feared he wouldn't get an answer, but then it came, very quietly. "No."
"And I only need to look at the other child you raised to know that you aren't to blame."
"Huh? What other child?"
"You, Dean. In addition to raising Sam, you raised yourself and, of the two, you should have been the more difficult. The one less likely to turn out right."
"Hey!"
"You were exposed to a severe trauma at a very young age, Dean, that often has negative consequences. Then you were exposed to the supernatural, told you were constantly in danger and given the responsibility of looking after your brother. Most would have cracked under that pressure, but you didn't. You even managed to shelter Sam from the truth and allowed him to be a child for as long as you could and even then it wasn't your fault when the truth came out."
Dean half laughed, bitter and regretful at once. "Sammy never could curb his curiosity."
Castiel could tell that, despite the comment, some of what he was saying was getting through. Some of the hunter's defensiveness was fading. Perhaps, on some level buried deep and never consciously acknowledged, Dean already knew all of this. He suddenly had a disturbing image of a young Dean, desperately seeking confirmation for his feelings. His anger at John and Sam grew.
"Dean, your brother has betrayed you numerous times despite the fact that you have given him all that you have."
Suddenly Dean was on his feet, shoving him back and Castiel allowed it, happy to finally get a real reaction out of him. The fire and passion in those eyes right now was something he'd sorely missed since he'd left Earth to restore order to Heaven. This was why it was so vital for the hunter to work through this, it was sapping him of all that he truly was.
"Shut up!" Dean yelled, voice edging on desperation and something else Castiel hoped was acknowledgement. "Just shut up! Why are you doing this? Why can't you just leave it alone?"
"Because it is time that you admitted the truth to yourself, Dean. You have done everything for Sam and he has done nothing but throw it all back in your face. He's not worth all this pain you put yourself through."
"He's my brother, damnit!"
"And Uriel and Zachariah were mine, just because someone is a sibling doesn't mean that they can't be dicks, you've noted this often enough yourself," Castiel pressed on, knowing this type of opportunity was unlikely to ever arise again. He'd caught the hunter off-guard while under the influence of enough alcohol to loosen him up a bit. The next time Dean would be prepared, masks and shields in place and vulnerability well hidden. "If anything, the very fact that they are related to us allows them to do far more damage than they could otherwise, because we let them. We let them in, Dean, and we have to stop doing that. Just because Sam is your brother and because you love him dearly does not give him the right to treat you the way that he has been. It does not give him the right to hurt you, time and again. You have to stop letting him."
"How?"
"By accepting that though you love him, he is not someone you can trust. Not with your emotional wellbeing."
"I don't know if I can do that, Cas."
"I did not say that it would be easy or even quick, but you currently have the advantage of time and space. Sam still believes you to be with Lisa, so you are free to take as long as you need to think this over. Just be aware that once Lucifer and Michael break free, they will most likely use your brother and what he has done against you."
Chapter 13
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: up to and including Exile on Main St., AU from the end of season 5
Warnings: AU
Word Count: 2,433
Summary: "But that is not what we need to discuss at this time."
PAST
"Sure it is," Dean replied, taking a seat on the bed. "Seeing as we've got the Apocalypse looming again, I think it's a very important topic of conversation and one that needs much discussion."
"Indeed it does, but not at this time."
"You know what they say, Cas, there's no time like the present."
"No, I did not know that they say that, but it's now time to face the truth, Dean."
"Cas, I-"
"Sam betrayed you, Dean. Again."
The hunter flinched at the harsh words and Castiel felt bad for hurting him. Unfortunately, however, it was necessary or he would never subject his charge to this emotional torture. If Dean didn't confront this, not only would he continue his self-destructive behavior, but he would be leaving himself wide open to the enemy. There was little doubt in his mind that Lucifer would use Sam against Dean in any way he could. As for Michael... well, he wouldn't put it past him either if he felt it might gain him his intended vessel.
Instead of replying, Dean seemed to pull into himself and it broke Castiel's heart, knowing what he had to do next, but there was no way around it. With two steps, he completely invaded the hunter's personal space and grasped his chin, forcing the human to look him in the eye. He wasn't going to allow Dean to do anything but hear and acknowledge what he was saying.
"Dean, your whole life you have given everything to your brother, everything. When you felt it necessary, you even sold your soul for him, something which no one deserves." Predictably, the hunter started to open his mouth to protest. "No, Dean, your soul is your most precious possession. It is your very essence, who and what you are at your very core. No one is worthy of that gift, no one. And yet, despite that, you gave it away for Sam, you sold it and went to Hell for him. And what did your brother do then, Dean?"
"He tried to get me out, he tried to save me!" Dean replied desperately, his hands coming up to clutch the angel's wrist.
Castiel knew his friend wanted to break free, to look away and yet he applied no great force to the hand constraining him. Whether that was because he felt it futile or because some part of him recognized that they had to get this, all of this, out into the open, he didn't know, but he desperately hoped it was the latter even though he doubted that was the case.
"Did he? Did he really?" Castiel questioned. "Or was he simply trying to assuage his own guilt for having put you in that position in the first place?"
"Huh?"
"From what I heard, he was sorry that he couldn't get you out, that he had failed to save you or that he hadn't been able to help," Castiel pushed relentlessly. "Never once did I hear him say that he was glad you'd been saved, regardless of how it was done or who did it."
Dean closed his eyes and swallowed deeply, attempting to shake his head in denial.
"And how did he repay you, Dean? How did Sam thank you for your unbelievable sacrifice?"
The hunter was starting to tremble now though Castiel noted that since he'd started, Dean hadn't asked him to stop. The fingers at his wrist now dug into his vessel's skin, as the other hand did in his trench coat, but Dean wasn't pushing or pulling. Dean wasn't attempting to shove him away. He took it as a good sign, not that he'd have stopped otherwise. This merely made it marginally easier. Marginally.
"He betrayed you, Dean. For what you'd done, for all that you'd suffered, he betrayed you. For a demon."
This, finally, seemed to have more of an effect. Dean jerked in his grasp and seemed to come to life.
"No! He didn't do it on purpose, he wasn't himself," Dean denied, forcefully pulling his chin free. "It was the blood, the demon blood was affecting him, twisting him into something he's not!"
"And how did he come to be on the demon blood?"
Castiel wasn't going to give Dean an inch of mercy. Not in this. Not when his friend was so good at using any and all opportunities he could to justify Sam's behavior and blame himself instead for whatever his brother had done. Dean deserved better than that and he was determined to make sure that the hunter came to realize this too. Helping his charge overcome the vicious cycle he'd fallen into regarding Sam was the single best gift he could give him. If not, he knew it was only a matter of time before Dean caved and contacted Sam, who'd then feed him some story, or before he justified Sam's behavior to himself on his own. Either option would end with Dean going back to Sam and opening himself up for this kind of hurt all over again.
No, it was high time that Dean understood his own worth and Castiel wanted desperately to help him get there. Once that was accomplished, then Dean could go back to Sam if he wished, so long as he stood up for himself when it really mattered. In truth, though, he hoped that once Dean was at that point, that he'd no longer need his brother as blindly as he did now.
"I don't know," Dean whispered.
"Yes, you do," Castiel pushed. "Sam decided to start taking it. Whatever you want to say about what he did while under its influence and taint, at the beginning he made a conscious choice to start drinking it."
"We don't know that! For all we know, it was forced onto him."
"Did Sam tell you that, Dean?"
"No."
"Then what did he say?"
"Nothing."
"Did you ask him about it?"
Dean looked away from him, his hands clenching at his side.
"Did you ask him about it, Dean?"
"No, okay? I didn't ask him about it. There, are you happy now?"
"I will be happy when you are once more."
The hunter snorted, anger starting to leak through. Castiel was almost surprised at how long it had taken to surface. That was one of Dean's other defense mechanisms.
"Then maybe you should stop with the twenty questions."
"I intend to ask more than twenty questions."
"No, it's a- never mind, it means I don't like this."
"If you did, you wouldn't be you."
"Are you actually going anywhere with this bullshit?"
"Yes. Why didn't you ask him about it?"
Dean turned to glare at him before starting to rise from the bed. Castiel moved to block him.
"You didn't because you were afraid that you wouldn't like the answer. One does not get addicted from one exposure, it takes a few repetitions as with most drugs."
"No," softly, denial.
"You knew you wouldn't like it because you knew he'd made a conscious decision to start drinking Ruby's blood."
"It's not his fault!"
"Why not?"
"He was desperate. Hell, I sold my soul when in his place!"
"And if you'd been able to stop it from happening or take it back afterwards, without adversely affecting the results of the deal, would you have?"
"Of course, you know we tried."
"So why didn't Sam stop when you'd gotten out? Why did he choose to continue down a path he knew could only lead to darkness?"
"I- I don't know," Dean admitted.
"Was his quest for vengeance for what he'd suffered really that much more important than you, Dean? Than your welfare after such a traumatic experience?"
"That's not what it was!"
"No? So Sam asked if you wanted to go after Lilith the way you did? Because he made a choice, Dean, a conscious choice to focus on going after her despite the fact that you were back and needed help-"
"I didn't need help!"
"- to ignore that you were suffering as a result of what had happened to you. To the horrors you had experienced. He chose vengeance over you long before he chose Ruby over you, Dean."
The pain was clear in the hunter's green eyes now and it hurt Castiel twice as bad to know that he'd put it there. It tempted him to just stop, to let it go, but he couldn't. That would only serve to hurt Dean more in the long run and make his present suffering pointless.
"Sam hasn't always made the best of choices," Dean said and Castiel felt the human urge to snort. "But that's my fault."
"How?"
"I'm the one who raised him, who taught him what was right and wrong, or was supposed to anyway. Clearly, I fucked that up like everything else."
"Dean, no!" Castiel exclaimed, horrified. "That is not true, you did the best you could. It was a remarkable job given that you too were only a child."
"Yeah? Then why'd he do all that?"
"Because he chose to, Dean, that's why. Parents, or others who raise a child, are not responsible for everything that child does. All they can do is teach them what's right and guide them on their way, that's all. What happens beyond that is entirely up to the child."
"But-"
"No, Dean. It's called free will, that thing you value so much. Sam's got his and has, of his own volition, chosen the path that he's currently on. You advised him against it on numerous occasions, but he still chose it. Yes, he had many obstacles placed in his path and, yes, you made mistakes, but in the end he and only he chose what to do with those. What to make of them. He chose to break his promise to you never to use his powers, he chose to start drinking demon blood, he chose to not let you know of his escape from Hell and he chose to reveal your secrets to the hunters he is currently staying with. Those are all decisions that he and he alone made."
"But I made mistakes, you said so yourself."
Castiel fought the urge to try shaking some sense into the hunter. Of course that was what he'd heard.
"Of course you made mistakes, Dean, all parents do and you weren't even that. You were a child yourself. That meant there were many things regarding Sam's upbringing that you couldn't control, such as whether or not you stayed in one place for any length of time. Besides, would you leave a child to raise another child, Dean?"
"It depends."
"No, it doesn't. Would you?"
The silence stretched for so long that Castiel feared he wouldn't get an answer, but then it came, very quietly. "No."
"And I only need to look at the other child you raised to know that you aren't to blame."
"Huh? What other child?"
"You, Dean. In addition to raising Sam, you raised yourself and, of the two, you should have been the more difficult. The one less likely to turn out right."
"Hey!"
"You were exposed to a severe trauma at a very young age, Dean, that often has negative consequences. Then you were exposed to the supernatural, told you were constantly in danger and given the responsibility of looking after your brother. Most would have cracked under that pressure, but you didn't. You even managed to shelter Sam from the truth and allowed him to be a child for as long as you could and even then it wasn't your fault when the truth came out."
Dean half laughed, bitter and regretful at once. "Sammy never could curb his curiosity."
Castiel could tell that, despite the comment, some of what he was saying was getting through. Some of the hunter's defensiveness was fading. Perhaps, on some level buried deep and never consciously acknowledged, Dean already knew all of this. He suddenly had a disturbing image of a young Dean, desperately seeking confirmation for his feelings. His anger at John and Sam grew.
"Dean, your brother has betrayed you numerous times despite the fact that you have given him all that you have."
Suddenly Dean was on his feet, shoving him back and Castiel allowed it, happy to finally get a real reaction out of him. The fire and passion in those eyes right now was something he'd sorely missed since he'd left Earth to restore order to Heaven. This was why it was so vital for the hunter to work through this, it was sapping him of all that he truly was.
"Shut up!" Dean yelled, voice edging on desperation and something else Castiel hoped was acknowledgement. "Just shut up! Why are you doing this? Why can't you just leave it alone?"
"Because it is time that you admitted the truth to yourself, Dean. You have done everything for Sam and he has done nothing but throw it all back in your face. He's not worth all this pain you put yourself through."
"He's my brother, damnit!"
"And Uriel and Zachariah were mine, just because someone is a sibling doesn't mean that they can't be dicks, you've noted this often enough yourself," Castiel pressed on, knowing this type of opportunity was unlikely to ever arise again. He'd caught the hunter off-guard while under the influence of enough alcohol to loosen him up a bit. The next time Dean would be prepared, masks and shields in place and vulnerability well hidden. "If anything, the very fact that they are related to us allows them to do far more damage than they could otherwise, because we let them. We let them in, Dean, and we have to stop doing that. Just because Sam is your brother and because you love him dearly does not give him the right to treat you the way that he has been. It does not give him the right to hurt you, time and again. You have to stop letting him."
"How?"
"By accepting that though you love him, he is not someone you can trust. Not with your emotional wellbeing."
"I don't know if I can do that, Cas."
"I did not say that it would be easy or even quick, but you currently have the advantage of time and space. Sam still believes you to be with Lisa, so you are free to take as long as you need to think this over. Just be aware that once Lucifer and Michael break free, they will most likely use your brother and what he has done against you."
Chapter 13