Unexpected Destinies Chapter 119
Title: Unexpected Destinies
Rating: R
Spoilers: up to and including Exile on Main St., AU from the end of season 5
Warnings: AU, slash
Word Count: 2,614
Summary: His mate sounded raw and Castiel suddenly knew that he'd just broken Dean.
PAST
Shock was the first and foremost emotion that Dean felt as the feelings and memories that Castiel had used to complete the initiation of their kalsika swept through him. As with him, their kalsika had clearly pulled out some memories that his lover wouldn't normally have shared, but even those overwhelmed him. He'd always known that he'd pissed Castiel off with his little attempt to go find and give himself to Michael but he'd never realized exactly how hurt his lover had been nor how terrified. It put things into a whole new perspective and he longed to ease the guilt that Castiel still felt about that day. It was totally unnecessary and he shuddered to think how things might have turned out of his angel hadn't stopped him. They would never have found each other and Earth would probably have been destroyed in the process as well.
The other memories that washed over him were mostly better and Dean smiled at the number of times that Castiel had spent the night just watching him even before they'd become lovers. Thinking back on that and all of his angel's other quirks (or at least that was how he'd thought of them at the time), it had been almost inevitable that they'd end up together and he couldn't understand why he hadn't seen that from the start. He was soon distracted from that thought though and was stunned at the sheer depth of his lover's feelings for him and how strongly Castiel felt them even when doing something as simple as holding him while he slept at night.
Dean had known that Castiel loved him, he really had, but this was so far beyond what he'd been expecting that it shocked him to his very core. It wasn't that he'd doubted his angel's feelings for him but rather that he hadn't even known that it was possible to love someone that much or that deeply and his mind seemed completely unable to process it all. His eyes slipped shut and his head fell forwards as the love continued to wash over him, the power of the kalsika allowing it to bathe his very soul with its warmth and comfort.
The other thing that came to Dean was the possessiveness Castiel felt towards him and instead of it scaring him as he'd have thought it would, it seemed to almost heal something deep inside of him that he'd never dared acknowledge was hurt, even if himself. He'd always wanted to be needed and this possessiveness was an extreme version of that paired intimately with Castiel's desire to never let him go and that was something he craved on such a deep, visceral level that getting it overrode any and all objections he might have had on principle of anyone feeling like that about him.
Dean hadn't even realized that his whole body was trembling slightly with the sheer intensity of it all until he felt his lover's hand on his face and when he opened his eyes it was to find them wet.
"Cas," Dean finally managed to whisper after several failed attempts.
He wanted to say more, to say how he felt about it all, but he just couldn't. All Dean could do was swallow thickly, the emotions rising up within him far too overpowering to express.
/
His mate sounded raw and Castiel suddenly knew that he'd just broken Dean. Not at all like Alastair had in Hell, but broken nonetheless. It had been almost inevitable in a way, he suddenly realized and long overdue. Almost all of his life, his hunter had built his life and his happiness around others, around his family, but it had been a life where Dean had always needed to be strong and to look after others; his father, his brother and the innocents they protected. They had been his mate's responsibility in a way and both of the other Winchesters had depended heavily on Dean even if they hadn't realized it, relying on his hunter to take care of things and never giving Dean back a fraction of what he deserved and never what his mate had either wanted or needed.
Topped off with betrayal after betrayal, from both John and Sam as well as Bobby, Castiel now knew that it had been inevitable that the sudden exposure to what he truly felt for his mate had been too much for Dean. But it was a good thing, he knew as his hunter had spent far too long feeling like he'd failed everyone as they kept seeking to leave him and not give him what it was that Dean so desperately sought and needed. To finally get that and much, much more after so long, especially after his mate had long since given up all real hope of ever actually obtaining it, let alone thinking that he was worthy of it, was simply too much for Dean and his mate needed time to not only process it but to start to rebuild his very foundations around it.
Castiel brought one of his inner wings up and around so that it touched the kalsika (as he too couldn't bear to be parted from it right now) and then he carefully gathered him mate up in his arms and flew them into the bedroom. He removed their clothing with a thought and then lowered Dean onto the center of the bed. The shifting of weight caused the stuffed bear his mate had given him to be dislodged from its place on a pillow and fall down the bed. He smiled as he picked it up and returned it to its place, thinking of the first time he had left it in their bed only to return later that night to find his hunter asleep with it clutched in his arms. He'd later learned that it smelled of him and that Dean kept unconsciously gravitating towards it in his absence. Today, however, that would not be necessary as he had absolutely no intention of leaving his mate any time soon.
With one of his inner wings still touching their kalsika, Castiel used his Grace to close the room's curtains before joining Dean in bed, wrapping his wings around them when he'd placed one hand back on their kalsika. His mate instantly curled into him, trapping their kalsika between them, still trembling and burying his head into the crook of Castiel's neck. With their kalsika resting against his chest, its soft luminescent light filling the room, he wrapped one arm around Dean's waist and let the other brush his mark on his hunter's arm before reaching up to soothingly run his fingers through his mate's hair.
When all of the tension had completely drained from Dean and he could feel his mate beginning to heal instead, Castiel felt himself relax and he opened himself completely to their bond and their kalsika. Dean's love and need for him washed over him once more and he basked in it, also finding it somewhat hard to believe that all of this was for him. He'd always known how completely his mate gave himself to the people that he loved and how strongly Dean loved despite the tough, macho persona that he tried to portray to the outside world, but this seemed too powerful even for all of that and once again he found himself amazed by his mate. Instead of questioning it, though, he simply accepted it and allowed his Grace to soak it up while he held his mate.
He wasn't sure how long they lay there like that, both physically and emotionally wrapped up together in each other, but Castiel became a bit more aware when he felt a change within Dean. He couldn't quite say what it was, especially not with them as intertwined as they were at moment allowing him to feel and detect changes so small that even his mate probably wasn't normally aware of them, but it roused him from the near trance-like state he'd fallen into. He carefully checked the area but found everything to be okay before turning his attention back to his hunter. Dean was pressed as closely against him as it was possible for his mate to get and seemed to be somewhere half between asleep and awake, that strange realm Dean liked to linger in when waking up beside him. Today he didn't think that this was the case as he was sure that his mate hadn't actually fallen asleep, but rather it seemed that Dean was better able to deal with everything while like this, where his conscious and subconscious were both close to the surface.
Castiel brushed a kiss to the top of his mate's head, letting his hands run over Dean's body, slowly bringing his hunter back to full consciousness. Dean stirred in his arms and wings, muttering something unintelligible. It made him smile, knowing he was the only one with whom his mate roused so slowly and languidly. Even with his father around, Dean had never done this as John'd had a habit of testing his sons' reaction times to ensure that they would always be ready to defend themselves and Dean, with his need to try and please his father at all times, had become such a light sleeper as to almost lose the ability to linger in Morpheus' arms even when he wanted to do so. It was an honor he cherished even as he teased his mate about it sometimes.
"Don' wanna," Dean protested, trying to burrow deeper into his embrace.
"Aren't you hungry?"
"No."
Dean's tone was petulant and his mate's grip on him tightened, clearly not wanting to let him go. "Shh," Castiel soothed. "I'm not going anywhere. Ever."
His mate shifted against him slightly, just enough to be able to look down at their kalsika between them and Castiel moved his head slightly so he could do so as well. In addition to the colors it had already displayed from Dean, their kalsika was now shot through with gold and silver from himself and the colors swirled around lazily, easily mixing together much as they'd done with their lives and essences. They'd have to let their kalsika go eventually, he knew as it was only meant to be a means with which to share their emotions and memories with each other in order to prepare them for the intensity of the actual bonding ceremony itself, but he was loath to part with it so long as they didn't have the complete bond.
He never wanted to be that separated from Dean again and he knew his mate had no desire for it either.
"I know."
Dean's reply was soft and Castiel had to think back a moment to remember what it was a response to as he'd gotten lost in his thoughts, but then his Grace swelled within him. There had been absolutely no doubt whatsoever in his mate's words even if there were still echoes of the shock that his hunter had experienced. To know that Dean now knew precisely how he felt about him and could no longer convince himself that it was anything else was the greatest gift Castiel could ever have desired to receive. Instead of trying to reply, he leaned down and nudged his mate slightly until Dean moved his head enough so he could kiss him. Their kalsika flared between them and he felt how vulnerable Dean still was, though his mate was already starting to recover, stronger than before.
It would not be an easy process though and Castiel knew exactly how to help. Part of why this was as overwhelming as it was to his mate was because Dean had always been a physical being, constantly distancing himself as much as possible from the emotional. So to now have their connection blown wide open like this in a way that flooded his mate with all of his love and affection for Dean was like literally blasting his hunter with something for which he had little to no defenses. Luckily he knew exactly how to help his mate anchor it all down.
Castiel slowly changed the intention of the kiss from one type of intensity to another. He knew the moment that Dean caught on as the way his mate clutched him changed from trying to keep him from leaving, to trying pull him closer. He happily complied, pulling his hunter even closer and making Dean moan as their kalsika flared even brighter still, casting dazzling colors in every direction. Dean had instantly started responding, rocking against him but while there was need there, it was not frantic as it so often was between them. Although now sexualized, the sheer emotional intensity of having their kalsika between them hadn't faded any and was still there, conveying exactly how he felt about his mate to Dean. The only difference was that now he was giving his hunter something more familiar to both comprehend and anchor it down with as he worshipped his mate both physically and emotionally.
"Cas, Cas, Cas, Cas," Dean chanted when he pulled back enough to look at his mate.
There was still shock and amazement rolling off of Dean and into the air around them, crackling along the power their kalsika emitted, but Castiel could also detect acceptance and longing while his mate greedily took everything he offered. Their movements were perfectly synchronized as they moved together, giving and taking pleasure as they shared everything that they were with each other and Dean's breathing soon hitched, his mate's eyes wide as his love continued to flow unabated directly into Dean's soul. Even when he finally reached down to prepare his hunter with his own oils, he refused to break their eye contact despite the fact that Dean was trembling once more with the sheer intensity of it all. Not only could he detect no desire to slow things down, but the flow of Dean's feelings for him in and around his Grace was not something he could give up.
His mate's feelings surged around Castiel as he slid into Dean, uniting them physically as surely as they were both emotionally and spiritually. The power now crackled even more brightly in the room around them, visible even to normal human eyes, and yet his mate made absolutely no move to glance away from his gaze even though he knew that they were so far past Dean's normal comfort zone for emotional closeness and intimacy. It was such a clear indicator of how much his mate had already healed and been affected by the bond of their kalsika that it caused a strange tightness in his vessel's chest. He had always wanted see Dean's healed enough for his mate to be able to simply accept how special he was and how much he meant to someone that to see the first indicators of it were almost too much to bear. He had never truly let himself hope that it would be him who would one day be able to achieve that goal.
When Dean reached up to pull him down, it wasn't to break their gaze with a kiss but rather to create another point of contact between them as his mate guided him so their foreheads were resting together and they could gaze at each other from inches away. The power of their kalsika grew even stronger and the intensity of their connection was beyond anything Castiel had ever believed possible, tying them so close together that when they came it was together, their physical release merely imitating their emotional and spiritual completion.
A.N.: Wow, this chapter was surprisingly difficult to write as it was so emotionally charged!
Chapter 120
Rating: R
Spoilers: up to and including Exile on Main St., AU from the end of season 5
Warnings: AU, slash
Word Count: 2,614
Summary: His mate sounded raw and Castiel suddenly knew that he'd just broken Dean.
PAST
Shock was the first and foremost emotion that Dean felt as the feelings and memories that Castiel had used to complete the initiation of their kalsika swept through him. As with him, their kalsika had clearly pulled out some memories that his lover wouldn't normally have shared, but even those overwhelmed him. He'd always known that he'd pissed Castiel off with his little attempt to go find and give himself to Michael but he'd never realized exactly how hurt his lover had been nor how terrified. It put things into a whole new perspective and he longed to ease the guilt that Castiel still felt about that day. It was totally unnecessary and he shuddered to think how things might have turned out of his angel hadn't stopped him. They would never have found each other and Earth would probably have been destroyed in the process as well.
The other memories that washed over him were mostly better and Dean smiled at the number of times that Castiel had spent the night just watching him even before they'd become lovers. Thinking back on that and all of his angel's other quirks (or at least that was how he'd thought of them at the time), it had been almost inevitable that they'd end up together and he couldn't understand why he hadn't seen that from the start. He was soon distracted from that thought though and was stunned at the sheer depth of his lover's feelings for him and how strongly Castiel felt them even when doing something as simple as holding him while he slept at night.
Dean had known that Castiel loved him, he really had, but this was so far beyond what he'd been expecting that it shocked him to his very core. It wasn't that he'd doubted his angel's feelings for him but rather that he hadn't even known that it was possible to love someone that much or that deeply and his mind seemed completely unable to process it all. His eyes slipped shut and his head fell forwards as the love continued to wash over him, the power of the kalsika allowing it to bathe his very soul with its warmth and comfort.
The other thing that came to Dean was the possessiveness Castiel felt towards him and instead of it scaring him as he'd have thought it would, it seemed to almost heal something deep inside of him that he'd never dared acknowledge was hurt, even if himself. He'd always wanted to be needed and this possessiveness was an extreme version of that paired intimately with Castiel's desire to never let him go and that was something he craved on such a deep, visceral level that getting it overrode any and all objections he might have had on principle of anyone feeling like that about him.
Dean hadn't even realized that his whole body was trembling slightly with the sheer intensity of it all until he felt his lover's hand on his face and when he opened his eyes it was to find them wet.
"Cas," Dean finally managed to whisper after several failed attempts.
He wanted to say more, to say how he felt about it all, but he just couldn't. All Dean could do was swallow thickly, the emotions rising up within him far too overpowering to express.
/
His mate sounded raw and Castiel suddenly knew that he'd just broken Dean. Not at all like Alastair had in Hell, but broken nonetheless. It had been almost inevitable in a way, he suddenly realized and long overdue. Almost all of his life, his hunter had built his life and his happiness around others, around his family, but it had been a life where Dean had always needed to be strong and to look after others; his father, his brother and the innocents they protected. They had been his mate's responsibility in a way and both of the other Winchesters had depended heavily on Dean even if they hadn't realized it, relying on his hunter to take care of things and never giving Dean back a fraction of what he deserved and never what his mate had either wanted or needed.
Topped off with betrayal after betrayal, from both John and Sam as well as Bobby, Castiel now knew that it had been inevitable that the sudden exposure to what he truly felt for his mate had been too much for Dean. But it was a good thing, he knew as his hunter had spent far too long feeling like he'd failed everyone as they kept seeking to leave him and not give him what it was that Dean so desperately sought and needed. To finally get that and much, much more after so long, especially after his mate had long since given up all real hope of ever actually obtaining it, let alone thinking that he was worthy of it, was simply too much for Dean and his mate needed time to not only process it but to start to rebuild his very foundations around it.
Castiel brought one of his inner wings up and around so that it touched the kalsika (as he too couldn't bear to be parted from it right now) and then he carefully gathered him mate up in his arms and flew them into the bedroom. He removed their clothing with a thought and then lowered Dean onto the center of the bed. The shifting of weight caused the stuffed bear his mate had given him to be dislodged from its place on a pillow and fall down the bed. He smiled as he picked it up and returned it to its place, thinking of the first time he had left it in their bed only to return later that night to find his hunter asleep with it clutched in his arms. He'd later learned that it smelled of him and that Dean kept unconsciously gravitating towards it in his absence. Today, however, that would not be necessary as he had absolutely no intention of leaving his mate any time soon.
With one of his inner wings still touching their kalsika, Castiel used his Grace to close the room's curtains before joining Dean in bed, wrapping his wings around them when he'd placed one hand back on their kalsika. His mate instantly curled into him, trapping their kalsika between them, still trembling and burying his head into the crook of Castiel's neck. With their kalsika resting against his chest, its soft luminescent light filling the room, he wrapped one arm around Dean's waist and let the other brush his mark on his hunter's arm before reaching up to soothingly run his fingers through his mate's hair.
When all of the tension had completely drained from Dean and he could feel his mate beginning to heal instead, Castiel felt himself relax and he opened himself completely to their bond and their kalsika. Dean's love and need for him washed over him once more and he basked in it, also finding it somewhat hard to believe that all of this was for him. He'd always known how completely his mate gave himself to the people that he loved and how strongly Dean loved despite the tough, macho persona that he tried to portray to the outside world, but this seemed too powerful even for all of that and once again he found himself amazed by his mate. Instead of questioning it, though, he simply accepted it and allowed his Grace to soak it up while he held his mate.
He wasn't sure how long they lay there like that, both physically and emotionally wrapped up together in each other, but Castiel became a bit more aware when he felt a change within Dean. He couldn't quite say what it was, especially not with them as intertwined as they were at moment allowing him to feel and detect changes so small that even his mate probably wasn't normally aware of them, but it roused him from the near trance-like state he'd fallen into. He carefully checked the area but found everything to be okay before turning his attention back to his hunter. Dean was pressed as closely against him as it was possible for his mate to get and seemed to be somewhere half between asleep and awake, that strange realm Dean liked to linger in when waking up beside him. Today he didn't think that this was the case as he was sure that his mate hadn't actually fallen asleep, but rather it seemed that Dean was better able to deal with everything while like this, where his conscious and subconscious were both close to the surface.
Castiel brushed a kiss to the top of his mate's head, letting his hands run over Dean's body, slowly bringing his hunter back to full consciousness. Dean stirred in his arms and wings, muttering something unintelligible. It made him smile, knowing he was the only one with whom his mate roused so slowly and languidly. Even with his father around, Dean had never done this as John'd had a habit of testing his sons' reaction times to ensure that they would always be ready to defend themselves and Dean, with his need to try and please his father at all times, had become such a light sleeper as to almost lose the ability to linger in Morpheus' arms even when he wanted to do so. It was an honor he cherished even as he teased his mate about it sometimes.
"Don' wanna," Dean protested, trying to burrow deeper into his embrace.
"Aren't you hungry?"
"No."
Dean's tone was petulant and his mate's grip on him tightened, clearly not wanting to let him go. "Shh," Castiel soothed. "I'm not going anywhere. Ever."
His mate shifted against him slightly, just enough to be able to look down at their kalsika between them and Castiel moved his head slightly so he could do so as well. In addition to the colors it had already displayed from Dean, their kalsika was now shot through with gold and silver from himself and the colors swirled around lazily, easily mixing together much as they'd done with their lives and essences. They'd have to let their kalsika go eventually, he knew as it was only meant to be a means with which to share their emotions and memories with each other in order to prepare them for the intensity of the actual bonding ceremony itself, but he was loath to part with it so long as they didn't have the complete bond.
He never wanted to be that separated from Dean again and he knew his mate had no desire for it either.
"I know."
Dean's reply was soft and Castiel had to think back a moment to remember what it was a response to as he'd gotten lost in his thoughts, but then his Grace swelled within him. There had been absolutely no doubt whatsoever in his mate's words even if there were still echoes of the shock that his hunter had experienced. To know that Dean now knew precisely how he felt about him and could no longer convince himself that it was anything else was the greatest gift Castiel could ever have desired to receive. Instead of trying to reply, he leaned down and nudged his mate slightly until Dean moved his head enough so he could kiss him. Their kalsika flared between them and he felt how vulnerable Dean still was, though his mate was already starting to recover, stronger than before.
It would not be an easy process though and Castiel knew exactly how to help. Part of why this was as overwhelming as it was to his mate was because Dean had always been a physical being, constantly distancing himself as much as possible from the emotional. So to now have their connection blown wide open like this in a way that flooded his mate with all of his love and affection for Dean was like literally blasting his hunter with something for which he had little to no defenses. Luckily he knew exactly how to help his mate anchor it all down.
Castiel slowly changed the intention of the kiss from one type of intensity to another. He knew the moment that Dean caught on as the way his mate clutched him changed from trying to keep him from leaving, to trying pull him closer. He happily complied, pulling his hunter even closer and making Dean moan as their kalsika flared even brighter still, casting dazzling colors in every direction. Dean had instantly started responding, rocking against him but while there was need there, it was not frantic as it so often was between them. Although now sexualized, the sheer emotional intensity of having their kalsika between them hadn't faded any and was still there, conveying exactly how he felt about his mate to Dean. The only difference was that now he was giving his hunter something more familiar to both comprehend and anchor it down with as he worshipped his mate both physically and emotionally.
"Cas, Cas, Cas, Cas," Dean chanted when he pulled back enough to look at his mate.
There was still shock and amazement rolling off of Dean and into the air around them, crackling along the power their kalsika emitted, but Castiel could also detect acceptance and longing while his mate greedily took everything he offered. Their movements were perfectly synchronized as they moved together, giving and taking pleasure as they shared everything that they were with each other and Dean's breathing soon hitched, his mate's eyes wide as his love continued to flow unabated directly into Dean's soul. Even when he finally reached down to prepare his hunter with his own oils, he refused to break their eye contact despite the fact that Dean was trembling once more with the sheer intensity of it all. Not only could he detect no desire to slow things down, but the flow of Dean's feelings for him in and around his Grace was not something he could give up.
His mate's feelings surged around Castiel as he slid into Dean, uniting them physically as surely as they were both emotionally and spiritually. The power now crackled even more brightly in the room around them, visible even to normal human eyes, and yet his mate made absolutely no move to glance away from his gaze even though he knew that they were so far past Dean's normal comfort zone for emotional closeness and intimacy. It was such a clear indicator of how much his mate had already healed and been affected by the bond of their kalsika that it caused a strange tightness in his vessel's chest. He had always wanted see Dean's healed enough for his mate to be able to simply accept how special he was and how much he meant to someone that to see the first indicators of it were almost too much to bear. He had never truly let himself hope that it would be him who would one day be able to achieve that goal.
When Dean reached up to pull him down, it wasn't to break their gaze with a kiss but rather to create another point of contact between them as his mate guided him so their foreheads were resting together and they could gaze at each other from inches away. The power of their kalsika grew even stronger and the intensity of their connection was beyond anything Castiel had ever believed possible, tying them so close together that when they came it was together, their physical release merely imitating their emotional and spiritual completion.
A.N.: Wow, this chapter was surprisingly difficult to write as it was so emotionally charged!
Chapter 120