Part 01 - Chapter 06 - 1 Step Forward 1 Step Back
Chapter 06 - 1 Step Forward 1 Step Back
The night had pretty much gone as expected by Alistair, the Doctor achieving only short stretches of nightmare-interrupted sleep. After the third such distressing episode, the Doctor sat at the head of his bed staring blankly at the opposite wall and refused to even try to go back to sleep. He was exhausted yet sleep held no refuge for him. He hated anyone seeing him in this state but the thought of being alone was worse.
After the Doctor had recaptured his composure he had moved to sit curled up with his arms wrapped around his legs rocking himself very slowly.
Alistair knew that Time Lords didn’t need to sleep much but they did need to do so occasionally for their general health as well as to heal from physical injuries. From the looks of the Doctor he hadn’t done much resting in this past week in spite of his unconscious state when they had arrived.
With the Doctor stubbornly keeping himself awake to prevent further nightmares, the TARDIS decided to let Alistair know that the Doctor was becoming dehydrated. He started at the unexpected images. He had never had her speak to him directly and it unnerved him a bit. On an intellectual level he knew the TARDIS was sentient, as he had seen her communicate with the Doctor more then once. She had never given any indication that she would be willing to speak to anyone else, well not before the message when he first came on board. Even now she really hadn’t spoken per say but had shown him the Doctor drinking a tall glass of clear liquid and had project a feeling of intense thirst followed by the image of the Doctor connected up to an IV.
He couldn't help but wonder at the change in the TARDIS' behavior. In answer she projected to him several scenes both past and present where he had helped the Doctor accompanied by an intense wave of gratitude.
It had become obvious that the Doctor wasn’t going to speak with him or even acknowledge his presence, in spite of his ships new acceptance, unless he was forced to do so. So he went over to the sink in the connected bathroom to get him some water and hopefully get him to talk on that pretext. As he’d anticipated, the Doctor didn’t even blink as he crossed his line of vision and he doubted he was even seeing the wall across from him.
Looking around he saw a cup on the sink, which, after a quick scan for cleanliness, he filled. Coming back into the bedroom he came around the bed to sit on its edge, making a small noise as he sat, he offered the water to the Doctor. When, as he expected, he received no response he spoke quietly “Doctor?” Pausing for a moment to see if the Time Lord would give any indication of responding. At his unmoved expression he tried again. “Doctor, you need to drink something.”
Slowly turning his head to stare in the Brigadier’s direction, the Doctor asked “Why?”
What Alistair saw in the Time Lord’s eyes almost made him gasp in shock; they seemed so devoid of life it made him think of a corpse with its eyes open. Never in a living person had he seen such frightful emptiness. It almost made him forget the question that he needed to answer.
“You’re going to need to drink to avoid dehydration.” He said practically, his voice coming out a shade higher then he intended, trying to make clear that he wouldn't just let the Doctor sit and waste away.
The Doctor just looked at him for a long moment, as if considering if he wanted to continue ignoring him. At that point the TARDIS projected to him as sense of intense thirst. Furious that she had obviously been talking to some else about him, yet one more traitorous sign, he slammed his mind shut on her and he turned his head away from Alistair stating “So you think you will get your way by convincing him to do your dirty work for you do you? Not going to happen!”
Alistair realized that he was replying verbally to some conversation that he wasn’t party to and that he too was being put on notice that the Doctor was not going to cooperate with either of them. Making his own stance clear Alistair said, “Doctor if you don’t drink something, then so help me when Harry gets back I will help him put in an IV with or with out your cooperation.”
Replying caustically the Doctor responded “I could easily kill you long before Harry got back.”
Well, Alistair thought, at least anger was a reaction, far better then the way he had been just a few minutes before, maybe they were starting to get though to him. Looking the man straight in the eye, Alistair said, “Could you? Do you really feel like killing someone else who cares about you?”
For a long time the Doctor didn’t move, just stared at him. The Time Lord was so still Alistair wasn’t even sure he was still breathing. Just as he thought that maybe he had pushed too far, that he wasn’t going to reply, the Doctor broke his gaze and responded.
The Doctor was stunned that the man had said he cared, about him. How could he? Didn't he understand what a monster he was? Didn't he realize how dangerous? He was a mass murderer how could Alistair say such a thing let alone think something like that? Why did he think that he would hesitate to kill him after killing everyone on his home planet? Parmutations of these thoughts spun through his mind at a frenetic pace. Yet he knew the man was right, the idea of killing anyone else at this point made him nauseous.
So he responded in the only way he could, with an almost imperceptibly quiet, “No.”
Taking a second to register what it was the Doctor had mumbled, Alistair grabbed the advantage, “Then make things easy on both of us and drink something.”
The Doctor’s only response was to look down at the glass the other man was holding out to him again. After a long moment he reached out and took it, emptying it in one draw. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the headboard, at the same time putting the glass down on the bed.
With satisfaction Alistair accepted that small victory, picking up the glass to take it back to the bathroom. In a bit he figured he would try to get him to drink some more.
Alistair was half way to the bathroom when a voice from the bed said quietly “Thank you, Brigadier”
Both of them knew it wasn’t just for the water. Looking over he said gently “Do you want some more?”
Thinking on that for a moment, the Doctor replied as quietly as before, sounding almost embarrassed. “Yes please”.
Giving him a small smile, the Brigadier walked over and refilled the glass. Bringing it back to the Doctor, he said as he handed it to him, “Anytime my friend.”
After the Doctor had finished his water they both returned to their own thoughts. Later as Alistair was sitting in the recliner he heard an odd noise. Looking up he realized the Doctor had fallen asleep sitting up and had begun to snore. He was concerned for his comfort but decided getting some sleep was more important then waking him up trying to get him to lie down in a more comfortable position.
He wondered how long he would sleep before the next nightmare yanked him awake.
**********************************************
Around 9 pm Harry returned, carrying in a pile of sandwiches and a very large pot of tea, which he placed on a small table that Alistair was certain hadn’t been there earlier. Looking over he noted, much to his relief, that the Doctor was still asleep. As he turned to pour a cup of tea and get one of the sandwiches he heard a voice so close behind him that he almost dropped his cup.
“Is that Earl Grey?”
Recovering quickly he looked back and at his elbow stood the Doctor, grinning almost manically like a cat that had caught the canary at the Brigadier’s reaction. Alistair noted he looked years younger when he smiled and decided he liked his new smile. He was at the same moment annoyed and relieved that the man had found amusement at sneaking up on his friend and catching him unawares. He replied casually in a tone that said ‘you really didn’t catch me off guard’, even though they both knew he had, “Yes, would you like some?”
He handed the Doctor a cup of quickly prepared tea, made the way he had last known the Doctor to like it, only to see him grimace as he took the first taste.
Recognizing the confused expression on the Brigadier’s face, the Doctor tried to say casually “New taste buds”. If it weren’t for the dark look in his eyes when he said it he would have pulled off making it sound like it was no big deal.
Trying to ease the sudden tension in the room Harry said, “Need more sugar, or maybe some milk?”
Taking another much smaller taste to avoid looking at the other men, he said after a moment, “Yes, both I think.” After four sugars and another generous dollop of milk he declared it drinkable. After a few moments of companionable quiet the tension in the room began to rise again forcing the Doctor into movement. Turning his back on the other two, he walked over to the corner to retrieve two folding chairs and bring them over.
As he did so, Alistair finally had to ask about the furniture appearing when he knew it hadn’t been there before.
For a moment The Doctor froze realizing that the TARDIS had been doing what she always had, anticipating his needs and trying to help make things simpler for him. That thought had him mentally scrambling to make sure that his shields were still intact and that she couldn’t read his mind. He was still mad at her for what she had done and keeping her out was his way of telling her what he felt about her actions. He was angrier with her then he really should be but it was easier shut her out than to admit, let alone address, his own feelings.
Seeing the Doctor frozen Alistair said gently, “Doctor?”
Snapping alert, the Doctor replied again, trying and failing to sound casual about the matter. “Oh it’s just something the TARDIS does to help out.” Mumbling under his breath loud enough that he knew only the TARDIS would hear. “Even when she’s just helping herself.”
At the Doctor's ungrateful comment the TARDIS felt a surge of resentment. After all she had done for him this last week and trying to keep his body and mind together and he kicks her out of his head and then, to add insult to isolation, he says something like that. Well two could play that game; let’s see how he likes being shut out, she thought to herself. All of the men were startled by the sudden loud unmistakable pop of a light bulb bursting in the bathroom.
Harry said “Odd, don’t think I have ever seen a light bulb burn out in here.” Walking over to inspect the shattered bulb he turned to ask “Doctor do you…” his voice ground to halt as he caught the expression on the Doctor’s face. He didn’t think he had ever seen someone this side of living quite so pale.
Alistair whipped round to look at the Doctor after looking up and seeing Harry’s expression, “Doctor?”
Harry came hurrying over to help Alistair guide the Doctor back over to sit on the bed. Saying, “It was just a light bulb bursting, Doctor, nothing to be concern…” again he trailed off as the Doctor began to vigorously shake his head. “Doctor?”
Hoarse and almost sobbing he said, “She… She doesn’t just blow out bulbs.” Trying to not sound as panicked as he felt, he threw open his mental barriers, eyes glazing over as he hunted for the presence of his time ship only to find… Nothing at all! Nothing but haunting silence in his head, which set off a wave of almost uncontrollable shaking as he slid forward off the bed so fast he took both men next to him by surprise as he landed heavily on the floor.
Both men staggered backward at his verbal and mental scream of “Noooooooooooo!”.
They stared dumbly at the Doctor crumpled on the floor between them; looking for the entire world like he was trying to dig the side of his face and his hands into the floor as if trying to grasp at something he couldn’t reach. The rest of his body was plastered flat as if he was trying to get as much of his body in contact with the floor as possible.
Then with a stunning wave of grief, followed by what felt like the equivalent of a smothering hug layered with wave after wave of regret, as the TARDIS surrounded the Doctor.
As a consequence of their proximity, the two men standing above the Doctor also felt her powerful emotional broadcast. Looking at each other confused, they tried to figure out what was going on, unsure what it was about a light bulb burning out that had triggered this reaction. Together they tried to pick up the Doctor up off of the floor to put him back in the bed. As they attempted to move him he began to flail wildly to prevent even the smallest physical separation between himself and the TARDIS. In that motion he caught Alistair hard in the jaw and missed Harry by fractions of an inch. Alistair was thrown back into a sitting position, half dazed by the strength of the blow and quickly scrambled out of range. Harry followed suit getting far enough back from the Doctor so that he could react if he struck out again.
As the moved to regroup the Doctor began sobbing. “I… I thought… I couldn’t hear… please… I’m sorry…” with that he trailed off in a helpless whimper, a sound so desperate and lost it rent both men’s hearts to hear “Ppp… please don’t do that again. Please, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”
Still not completely sure what had happened, other then it had to do with some interaction of the Doctor and the TARDIS, the two men backed off uncertain what to do till the man and his sentient machine had worked whatever it was out.
Harry looking over at Alistair gently working his injured jaw said quietly, “You okay?”
Nodding he whispered back, “Forgot how strong he is.”
Harry sympathized, continuing their hushed conversation, “Sit, I’ll get you some ice. It doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere soon.” He gestured to the Doctor who had again flattened as much his body as he could against the TARDIS floor. With that Harry slipped from the room, leaving Alistair to wonder what had set the Doctor off again, although he did have some guesses based on what the Doctor had said.
The Doctor was still sobbing, essentially unmoved from his previous position, when Harry came back. The gut wrenching anguished sobs seemed to have lessened some, so he hoped that sometime soon they would get some proper explanation as to what happened.
Finally the noises from the Doctor turned from sobs to snuffles and, just as they thought he might finally be coming to grips, they turned to quiet snoring. At the first snores the two men looked at each other in resignation, knowing neither of them had the heart to wake him up to get answers. At that decision Harry said to Alistair, “I will look after him, go get some rest.”
“See if you can get him to drink and eat something when he wakes up will you, Harry?” Taking a final sad look at the Doctor looking so fragile there on the floor, he left to go get a late dinner and some sleep.
Noticing Alistair’s pause, Harry realized that if the Doctor was going to be on the floor for awhile he probably should at least get him covered up with a blanket so he didn’t get a chill. With a dignified tenderness, Harry covered the Doctor in a blanket and settled back to watch over him as he slept.
Chapter 07 - Purpose
Story Index
The night had pretty much gone as expected by Alistair, the Doctor achieving only short stretches of nightmare-interrupted sleep. After the third such distressing episode, the Doctor sat at the head of his bed staring blankly at the opposite wall and refused to even try to go back to sleep. He was exhausted yet sleep held no refuge for him. He hated anyone seeing him in this state but the thought of being alone was worse.
After the Doctor had recaptured his composure he had moved to sit curled up with his arms wrapped around his legs rocking himself very slowly.
Alistair knew that Time Lords didn’t need to sleep much but they did need to do so occasionally for their general health as well as to heal from physical injuries. From the looks of the Doctor he hadn’t done much resting in this past week in spite of his unconscious state when they had arrived.
With the Doctor stubbornly keeping himself awake to prevent further nightmares, the TARDIS decided to let Alistair know that the Doctor was becoming dehydrated. He started at the unexpected images. He had never had her speak to him directly and it unnerved him a bit. On an intellectual level he knew the TARDIS was sentient, as he had seen her communicate with the Doctor more then once. She had never given any indication that she would be willing to speak to anyone else, well not before the message when he first came on board. Even now she really hadn’t spoken per say but had shown him the Doctor drinking a tall glass of clear liquid and had project a feeling of intense thirst followed by the image of the Doctor connected up to an IV.
He couldn't help but wonder at the change in the TARDIS' behavior. In answer she projected to him several scenes both past and present where he had helped the Doctor accompanied by an intense wave of gratitude.
It had become obvious that the Doctor wasn’t going to speak with him or even acknowledge his presence, in spite of his ships new acceptance, unless he was forced to do so. So he went over to the sink in the connected bathroom to get him some water and hopefully get him to talk on that pretext. As he’d anticipated, the Doctor didn’t even blink as he crossed his line of vision and he doubted he was even seeing the wall across from him.
Looking around he saw a cup on the sink, which, after a quick scan for cleanliness, he filled. Coming back into the bedroom he came around the bed to sit on its edge, making a small noise as he sat, he offered the water to the Doctor. When, as he expected, he received no response he spoke quietly “Doctor?” Pausing for a moment to see if the Time Lord would give any indication of responding. At his unmoved expression he tried again. “Doctor, you need to drink something.”
Slowly turning his head to stare in the Brigadier’s direction, the Doctor asked “Why?”
What Alistair saw in the Time Lord’s eyes almost made him gasp in shock; they seemed so devoid of life it made him think of a corpse with its eyes open. Never in a living person had he seen such frightful emptiness. It almost made him forget the question that he needed to answer.
“You’re going to need to drink to avoid dehydration.” He said practically, his voice coming out a shade higher then he intended, trying to make clear that he wouldn't just let the Doctor sit and waste away.
The Doctor just looked at him for a long moment, as if considering if he wanted to continue ignoring him. At that point the TARDIS projected to him as sense of intense thirst. Furious that she had obviously been talking to some else about him, yet one more traitorous sign, he slammed his mind shut on her and he turned his head away from Alistair stating “So you think you will get your way by convincing him to do your dirty work for you do you? Not going to happen!”
Alistair realized that he was replying verbally to some conversation that he wasn’t party to and that he too was being put on notice that the Doctor was not going to cooperate with either of them. Making his own stance clear Alistair said, “Doctor if you don’t drink something, then so help me when Harry gets back I will help him put in an IV with or with out your cooperation.”
Replying caustically the Doctor responded “I could easily kill you long before Harry got back.”
Well, Alistair thought, at least anger was a reaction, far better then the way he had been just a few minutes before, maybe they were starting to get though to him. Looking the man straight in the eye, Alistair said, “Could you? Do you really feel like killing someone else who cares about you?”
For a long time the Doctor didn’t move, just stared at him. The Time Lord was so still Alistair wasn’t even sure he was still breathing. Just as he thought that maybe he had pushed too far, that he wasn’t going to reply, the Doctor broke his gaze and responded.
The Doctor was stunned that the man had said he cared, about him. How could he? Didn't he understand what a monster he was? Didn't he realize how dangerous? He was a mass murderer how could Alistair say such a thing let alone think something like that? Why did he think that he would hesitate to kill him after killing everyone on his home planet? Parmutations of these thoughts spun through his mind at a frenetic pace. Yet he knew the man was right, the idea of killing anyone else at this point made him nauseous.
So he responded in the only way he could, with an almost imperceptibly quiet, “No.”
Taking a second to register what it was the Doctor had mumbled, Alistair grabbed the advantage, “Then make things easy on both of us and drink something.”
The Doctor’s only response was to look down at the glass the other man was holding out to him again. After a long moment he reached out and took it, emptying it in one draw. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the headboard, at the same time putting the glass down on the bed.
With satisfaction Alistair accepted that small victory, picking up the glass to take it back to the bathroom. In a bit he figured he would try to get him to drink some more.
Alistair was half way to the bathroom when a voice from the bed said quietly “Thank you, Brigadier”
Both of them knew it wasn’t just for the water. Looking over he said gently “Do you want some more?”
Thinking on that for a moment, the Doctor replied as quietly as before, sounding almost embarrassed. “Yes please”.
Giving him a small smile, the Brigadier walked over and refilled the glass. Bringing it back to the Doctor, he said as he handed it to him, “Anytime my friend.”
After the Doctor had finished his water they both returned to their own thoughts. Later as Alistair was sitting in the recliner he heard an odd noise. Looking up he realized the Doctor had fallen asleep sitting up and had begun to snore. He was concerned for his comfort but decided getting some sleep was more important then waking him up trying to get him to lie down in a more comfortable position.
He wondered how long he would sleep before the next nightmare yanked him awake.
**********************************************
Around 9 pm Harry returned, carrying in a pile of sandwiches and a very large pot of tea, which he placed on a small table that Alistair was certain hadn’t been there earlier. Looking over he noted, much to his relief, that the Doctor was still asleep. As he turned to pour a cup of tea and get one of the sandwiches he heard a voice so close behind him that he almost dropped his cup.
“Is that Earl Grey?”
Recovering quickly he looked back and at his elbow stood the Doctor, grinning almost manically like a cat that had caught the canary at the Brigadier’s reaction. Alistair noted he looked years younger when he smiled and decided he liked his new smile. He was at the same moment annoyed and relieved that the man had found amusement at sneaking up on his friend and catching him unawares. He replied casually in a tone that said ‘you really didn’t catch me off guard’, even though they both knew he had, “Yes, would you like some?”
He handed the Doctor a cup of quickly prepared tea, made the way he had last known the Doctor to like it, only to see him grimace as he took the first taste.
Recognizing the confused expression on the Brigadier’s face, the Doctor tried to say casually “New taste buds”. If it weren’t for the dark look in his eyes when he said it he would have pulled off making it sound like it was no big deal.
Trying to ease the sudden tension in the room Harry said, “Need more sugar, or maybe some milk?”
Taking another much smaller taste to avoid looking at the other men, he said after a moment, “Yes, both I think.” After four sugars and another generous dollop of milk he declared it drinkable. After a few moments of companionable quiet the tension in the room began to rise again forcing the Doctor into movement. Turning his back on the other two, he walked over to the corner to retrieve two folding chairs and bring them over.
As he did so, Alistair finally had to ask about the furniture appearing when he knew it hadn’t been there before.
For a moment The Doctor froze realizing that the TARDIS had been doing what she always had, anticipating his needs and trying to help make things simpler for him. That thought had him mentally scrambling to make sure that his shields were still intact and that she couldn’t read his mind. He was still mad at her for what she had done and keeping her out was his way of telling her what he felt about her actions. He was angrier with her then he really should be but it was easier shut her out than to admit, let alone address, his own feelings.
Seeing the Doctor frozen Alistair said gently, “Doctor?”
Snapping alert, the Doctor replied again, trying and failing to sound casual about the matter. “Oh it’s just something the TARDIS does to help out.” Mumbling under his breath loud enough that he knew only the TARDIS would hear. “Even when she’s just helping herself.”
At the Doctor's ungrateful comment the TARDIS felt a surge of resentment. After all she had done for him this last week and trying to keep his body and mind together and he kicks her out of his head and then, to add insult to isolation, he says something like that. Well two could play that game; let’s see how he likes being shut out, she thought to herself. All of the men were startled by the sudden loud unmistakable pop of a light bulb bursting in the bathroom.
Harry said “Odd, don’t think I have ever seen a light bulb burn out in here.” Walking over to inspect the shattered bulb he turned to ask “Doctor do you…” his voice ground to halt as he caught the expression on the Doctor’s face. He didn’t think he had ever seen someone this side of living quite so pale.
Alistair whipped round to look at the Doctor after looking up and seeing Harry’s expression, “Doctor?”
Harry came hurrying over to help Alistair guide the Doctor back over to sit on the bed. Saying, “It was just a light bulb bursting, Doctor, nothing to be concern…” again he trailed off as the Doctor began to vigorously shake his head. “Doctor?”
Hoarse and almost sobbing he said, “She… She doesn’t just blow out bulbs.” Trying to not sound as panicked as he felt, he threw open his mental barriers, eyes glazing over as he hunted for the presence of his time ship only to find… Nothing at all! Nothing but haunting silence in his head, which set off a wave of almost uncontrollable shaking as he slid forward off the bed so fast he took both men next to him by surprise as he landed heavily on the floor.
Both men staggered backward at his verbal and mental scream of “Noooooooooooo!”.
They stared dumbly at the Doctor crumpled on the floor between them; looking for the entire world like he was trying to dig the side of his face and his hands into the floor as if trying to grasp at something he couldn’t reach. The rest of his body was plastered flat as if he was trying to get as much of his body in contact with the floor as possible.
Then with a stunning wave of grief, followed by what felt like the equivalent of a smothering hug layered with wave after wave of regret, as the TARDIS surrounded the Doctor.
As a consequence of their proximity, the two men standing above the Doctor also felt her powerful emotional broadcast. Looking at each other confused, they tried to figure out what was going on, unsure what it was about a light bulb burning out that had triggered this reaction. Together they tried to pick up the Doctor up off of the floor to put him back in the bed. As they attempted to move him he began to flail wildly to prevent even the smallest physical separation between himself and the TARDIS. In that motion he caught Alistair hard in the jaw and missed Harry by fractions of an inch. Alistair was thrown back into a sitting position, half dazed by the strength of the blow and quickly scrambled out of range. Harry followed suit getting far enough back from the Doctor so that he could react if he struck out again.
As the moved to regroup the Doctor began sobbing. “I… I thought… I couldn’t hear… please… I’m sorry…” with that he trailed off in a helpless whimper, a sound so desperate and lost it rent both men’s hearts to hear “Ppp… please don’t do that again. Please, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”
Still not completely sure what had happened, other then it had to do with some interaction of the Doctor and the TARDIS, the two men backed off uncertain what to do till the man and his sentient machine had worked whatever it was out.
Harry looking over at Alistair gently working his injured jaw said quietly, “You okay?”
Nodding he whispered back, “Forgot how strong he is.”
Harry sympathized, continuing their hushed conversation, “Sit, I’ll get you some ice. It doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere soon.” He gestured to the Doctor who had again flattened as much his body as he could against the TARDIS floor. With that Harry slipped from the room, leaving Alistair to wonder what had set the Doctor off again, although he did have some guesses based on what the Doctor had said.
The Doctor was still sobbing, essentially unmoved from his previous position, when Harry came back. The gut wrenching anguished sobs seemed to have lessened some, so he hoped that sometime soon they would get some proper explanation as to what happened.
Finally the noises from the Doctor turned from sobs to snuffles and, just as they thought he might finally be coming to grips, they turned to quiet snoring. At the first snores the two men looked at each other in resignation, knowing neither of them had the heart to wake him up to get answers. At that decision Harry said to Alistair, “I will look after him, go get some rest.”
“See if you can get him to drink and eat something when he wakes up will you, Harry?” Taking a final sad look at the Doctor looking so fragile there on the floor, he left to go get a late dinner and some sleep.
Noticing Alistair’s pause, Harry realized that if the Doctor was going to be on the floor for awhile he probably should at least get him covered up with a blanket so he didn’t get a chill. With a dignified tenderness, Harry covered the Doctor in a blanket and settled back to watch over him as he slept.
Chapter 07 - Purpose
Story Index