Fic - I'd Be Rich
It wasn’t long after her split (could you call it a break up if there had been no relationship?) with Ted when Robin discovered twenty boxes of Kraft dinner in her cupboard.
“Ted?”
“Yeah?”
“Why did you buy all of this?”
“I didn’t. Anyway, I thought Canadians liked Kraft dinners.”
She threw a box at his head.
* * *
Kraft dinner, down. Next up, a fake fur coat and a real green dress. Barney hadn’t quite figured out where to build a tree house in New York City, but whatever. He’d make it work.
He probably did have a million dollars, somewhere.
Furniture For Your House
“Barney, why are we shopping for an ottoman?” Normally Lily loved shopping, but this was so... weird.
“Or a Chesterfield.”
“An ottoman and a Chesterfield are nothing alike. Why wouldn’t it matter what you got?”
“Lil, you’re always telling me that it’s the thought that counts. So help me.”
“Whatever. Ooh, there’s this really nice end table. Would that work?”
“No, no, no! It’s either an ottoman, a Chesterfield, or nothing!” He sighed, huffily. “Jesus, you’d think you could listen to simple instructions.”
Lily’d learned a long time ago not to demand answers from Barney Stinson.
Fur Coat, Green Dress
Robin looked stunning in green.
“And they just showed up!” Robin said, as she sat down at the booth.
“Sounds like you have a secret admirer,” said Marshall.
“Please, Marshall,” Barney scoffed. “This isn’t junior high.”
Both Ted and Lily gave him their stupid meaningful looks. He ignored them.
“What happened to that fur coat?” Ted asked. Robin shrugged.
“It was kind of scratchy.”
“Would you prefer a real one?” Barney asked. “I mean, I’m assuming he got you a fake coat. Who’d drop $2000 on a gift like that?”
Lily raised an eyebrow. “Robin, can I have that coat?”
Some Art
“Robin, your secret admirer left you something again,” Ted said, as he picked up the package. It was kind of flat and rectangular.
“What the hell?” Robin said. She was obviously trying to sound annoyed, but Ted could tell that she didn’t mind at all. “First the ottoman, then the clothes, then this.”
“Don’t forget the Kraft dinner.” Ted handed Robin the painting. “So, you going to open it?”
Robin tore at the paper to reveal a Cubist painting. “What’s this? A Picasso?”
“Only if Picasso ever drew Art Garfunkel.”
At the bottom was signed “L. Aldrin”. She denied it.
Like A Llama, or an Emu
“Hey, listen to this.
“Dear Robin Scherbatsky. You have made a donation to the Save the Emus fund. Thanks to your contribution, we can protect emus and their natural habitat.
“We sincerely thank you, Ms. Robin Scherbatsky, for donating money to provide a poor Peruvian family with their very llama. Llamas can help the peasants survive, providing milk and labor for years to come.
“Ms. Scherbatsky, you have donated money to our Endangered Monkey Wildlife Preserve. We would like to thank you personally, and, with your help, we can save them from extinction.
“Figures I’d be stalked by an environmentalist.”
All Them Crazy Elephant Bones
Robin began to suspect that these gifts all had a pattern.
They were so random, for one thing, varying from Kraft dinner to a fake fur coat to donations to “save the animals” foundations. Who would put so much effort into buying her such insignificant things?
“Unless,” she said, as she explained her theory to Barney, “they’re not insignificant at all. I have to figure out what they mean.”
“Aren’t you putting a little too much thought into this?”
“Maybe.”
Robin stared into her beer. Barney started to hum.
“At least he hasn’t gotten you anything really weird, like remains.”
A Limousine
Barney had left the bar early, complaining of a headache. Normally that would raise Robin’s suspicions, but she was too busy trying to figure out what the pattern was behind the gifts.
But as soon as she stepped out of MacLaren’s, she saw a limo, driven by Ranjit.
“Ranjit!” Robin said. “Who hired this limo?”
“Hello, Robin! Barney told me to pick you up and take me to his place.”
“Barney? Barney did this?”
“Yes. Are you getting inside?”
“Of course,” Robin said. She needed to think this through.
As she slid in, Ranjit turned up the music. Barenaked Ladies.
Because It Costs More
Robin’s head was spinning.
If I had $1,000,000...
Barney? Barney had gone through all of this trouble, gone to all this expense, just for her?
I’d buy you some art, a Picasso or a Garfunkel...
It all made sense, now. He’d gotten Lily to paint that picture. He’d been able to get into their apartment to put in the Kraft dinner. And he was insanely rich.
To buy your love...
Did he love her? She couldn’t imagine that he didn’t. Or was this an attempt to sleep with her again?
He could’ve just asked.
They were there. Deep breath, Scherbatsky.
Your Love
Barney was thinking about calling Robin when someone knocked on his door. He opened it.
“You do realize that this was completely creepy and hopelessly nerdy?”
“Yeah.”
“And you can’t just buy my love, you know.”
“Duh, Scherbatsky. Otherwise I would’ve just sent you the million dollars.”
She laughed. He smiled.
“So, why the Barenaked Ladies?”
“Well, they’re Canadian and awesome. So are you. But you’re actually a lady.”
“You’re going to ask me to get naked?”
“Would you if I did?”
“Depends. Where’s my car?”
“I was saving that for if you said no.”
Robin grinned and kissed him.
“Ted?”
“Yeah?”
“Why did you buy all of this?”
“I didn’t. Anyway, I thought Canadians liked Kraft dinners.”
She threw a box at his head.
* * *
Kraft dinner, down. Next up, a fake fur coat and a real green dress. Barney hadn’t quite figured out where to build a tree house in New York City, but whatever. He’d make it work.
He probably did have a million dollars, somewhere.
Furniture For Your House
“Barney, why are we shopping for an ottoman?” Normally Lily loved shopping, but this was so... weird.
“Or a Chesterfield.”
“An ottoman and a Chesterfield are nothing alike. Why wouldn’t it matter what you got?”
“Lil, you’re always telling me that it’s the thought that counts. So help me.”
“Whatever. Ooh, there’s this really nice end table. Would that work?”
“No, no, no! It’s either an ottoman, a Chesterfield, or nothing!” He sighed, huffily. “Jesus, you’d think you could listen to simple instructions.”
Lily’d learned a long time ago not to demand answers from Barney Stinson.
Fur Coat, Green Dress
Robin looked stunning in green.
“And they just showed up!” Robin said, as she sat down at the booth.
“Sounds like you have a secret admirer,” said Marshall.
“Please, Marshall,” Barney scoffed. “This isn’t junior high.”
Both Ted and Lily gave him their stupid meaningful looks. He ignored them.
“What happened to that fur coat?” Ted asked. Robin shrugged.
“It was kind of scratchy.”
“Would you prefer a real one?” Barney asked. “I mean, I’m assuming he got you a fake coat. Who’d drop $2000 on a gift like that?”
Lily raised an eyebrow. “Robin, can I have that coat?”
Some Art
“Robin, your secret admirer left you something again,” Ted said, as he picked up the package. It was kind of flat and rectangular.
“What the hell?” Robin said. She was obviously trying to sound annoyed, but Ted could tell that she didn’t mind at all. “First the ottoman, then the clothes, then this.”
“Don’t forget the Kraft dinner.” Ted handed Robin the painting. “So, you going to open it?”
Robin tore at the paper to reveal a Cubist painting. “What’s this? A Picasso?”
“Only if Picasso ever drew Art Garfunkel.”
At the bottom was signed “L. Aldrin”. She denied it.
Like A Llama, or an Emu
“Hey, listen to this.
“Dear Robin Scherbatsky. You have made a donation to the Save the Emus fund. Thanks to your contribution, we can protect emus and their natural habitat.
“We sincerely thank you, Ms. Robin Scherbatsky, for donating money to provide a poor Peruvian family with their very llama. Llamas can help the peasants survive, providing milk and labor for years to come.
“Ms. Scherbatsky, you have donated money to our Endangered Monkey Wildlife Preserve. We would like to thank you personally, and, with your help, we can save them from extinction.
“Figures I’d be stalked by an environmentalist.”
All Them Crazy Elephant Bones
Robin began to suspect that these gifts all had a pattern.
They were so random, for one thing, varying from Kraft dinner to a fake fur coat to donations to “save the animals” foundations. Who would put so much effort into buying her such insignificant things?
“Unless,” she said, as she explained her theory to Barney, “they’re not insignificant at all. I have to figure out what they mean.”
“Aren’t you putting a little too much thought into this?”
“Maybe.”
Robin stared into her beer. Barney started to hum.
“At least he hasn’t gotten you anything really weird, like remains.”
A Limousine
Barney had left the bar early, complaining of a headache. Normally that would raise Robin’s suspicions, but she was too busy trying to figure out what the pattern was behind the gifts.
But as soon as she stepped out of MacLaren’s, she saw a limo, driven by Ranjit.
“Ranjit!” Robin said. “Who hired this limo?”
“Hello, Robin! Barney told me to pick you up and take me to his place.”
“Barney? Barney did this?”
“Yes. Are you getting inside?”
“Of course,” Robin said. She needed to think this through.
As she slid in, Ranjit turned up the music. Barenaked Ladies.
Because It Costs More
Robin’s head was spinning.
If I had $1,000,000...
Barney? Barney had gone through all of this trouble, gone to all this expense, just for her?
I’d buy you some art, a Picasso or a Garfunkel...
It all made sense, now. He’d gotten Lily to paint that picture. He’d been able to get into their apartment to put in the Kraft dinner. And he was insanely rich.
To buy your love...
Did he love her? She couldn’t imagine that he didn’t. Or was this an attempt to sleep with her again?
He could’ve just asked.
They were there. Deep breath, Scherbatsky.
Your Love
Barney was thinking about calling Robin when someone knocked on his door. He opened it.
“You do realize that this was completely creepy and hopelessly nerdy?”
“Yeah.”
“And you can’t just buy my love, you know.”
“Duh, Scherbatsky. Otherwise I would’ve just sent you the million dollars.”
She laughed. He smiled.
“So, why the Barenaked Ladies?”
“Well, they’re Canadian and awesome. So are you. But you’re actually a lady.”
“You’re going to ask me to get naked?”
“Would you if I did?”
“Depends. Where’s my car?”
“I was saving that for if you said no.”
Robin grinned and kissed him.