Fic: Girlfriends
Yeah, yeah, more girl!Barney. To be fair, I've been living with her in my head for quite some time now. So deal. (This is also officially the longest thing I have written by myself in a hella long time. Yay me!)
Title: Girlfriends
Previously On: Stranger Things
Fandom: HIMYM
Characters: girl!Barney, Lily
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 1750
Warning: some language, genderfuck
Summary: Lily insists that she and Barney spend girl time together. Barney is less than cooperative.
Barney always knew that she and Lily weren’t going to be friends, right from the first moment that they met. It took Lily slightly longer to wash her hands of Barney.
It was Lily who insisted on the two of them spending “girl time” together. Barney only let her drag her to the mall because Lily was, in a word, smoking hot. She was short, but perfectly proportioned, and she had that sweet and corruptible look about her. Also, her name ended in -ly, which meant that she had to be amazing in the sack. Sure, there was the issue of her boyfriend the man-mountain, but Lily had to know that she could do way better. Besides, she had repressed bisexual written all over her.
But Barney had never gotten the appeal of shopping - her mom had never had much time or money for it, but Rhonda had taken her a few times, and each one was more mind-numbingly dull than the last. And even after she got her job at Altrucell, and could afford to buy the fancy dresses in the window that she had just been able to stare at when she was younger, Barney still preferred going to the tailor’s and getting something fitted.
It didn’t help that Lily was the most obnoxious sort of shopper - she’d spend five hours trying things on, and then deciding that she didn't like any of them. Plus, her dress sense was probably the complete opposite of Barney's - Lily liked full skirts and soft patterns, whereas Barney wore suits. Pantsuits, at that. (The last time she wore a skirt was in 1998. Barney remembers the exact date.)
"So, what do you think?" Lily asked, coming out into the hallway. Barney was occupied with the Business section of the New York Times, and mumbled something along the lines of "fine". "Barney, you're not even looking."
Barney sighed, lifted her eyes briefly, and then looked back down. "Fine."
Lily let out an irritated groan. "Do you think the skirt's too short?"
This peaked Barney's interest. "Lily, there's no such thing as too short a skirt."
She looked in the mirror. "Of course you'd say that." Barney smirked. Lily pretended to be a paragon of friendliness, but only a few hours had passed and she was making passive-aggressive remarks. All girls really were the same.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Barney asked, playfully.
"You only like sluts."
"Wrong. You haven't put out yet and I'm still here."
Lily shook her head. "You're a jerk."
Barney picked up her paper again. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm not the one whose ass looks fat." Barney peeked over the top of the page to see Lily glare at her. Then the other girl turned to face away from the mirror, looked over her shoulder, and visibly blanched.
Barney chuckled. Chicks were way too easy.
* * *
When Lily tired of shopping, Barney suggested going to get a manicure, and Lily seemed pleased that they had found some common ground. Naturally, it didn’t exactly work out the way that Lily had hoped.
“So I was yelling at Tyler to put the water gun down, and in comes my principal!” Lily said to the bored Korean girl filing her nails, laughing loudly. Barney rolled her eyes as she took a business call. She’d never been the sort of girl who blabbed to the hairdresser or the manicurist about her ordinary life - not that her life was ordinary. Her life was awesome. But most of it was either classified information, or none of their damn business.
Barney ended the call and looked over to the TV screen, which was playing an old episode of some Korean drama.
“So,” Lily said, and Barney realized that she was talking to her, “you do this often?”
“Yeah, every week.”
Lily nodded. “It’s nice here.”
Barney never really got the small talk thing. It’s useful for business reasons, sometimes, but it was so dull.
“Yeah, that’s sort of the reason why I like it,” Barney said, drily. Lily looked at her like maybe she was going to go into her schoolteacher lecture (oh, man, Barney would have so much fun with schoolteacher fantasies if and when she managed to talk Lily into bed), but she didn’t.
“What’s happening on the screen?” Lily asked.
“The flat-chested chick’s sad because her boyfriend with the stupid haircut left her,” Barney replied. She wasn’t entirely sure, actually - these things tended to be really complicated - but Lily would never know.
“Right.”
Barney looked over at Lily’s nails. “Wow, your cuticles really need some work.”
Lily rolled her eyes. “I was just trying to make conversation.”
“Lily, you’re hot and all, but if you think we’re going to be girlfriends, you’re sorely mistaken.”
Lily blinked, and turned back to the girl doing her nails.
Barney suggested going back to the bar once they had finished. Lily agreed.
* * *
"You," Lily said, accusingly, during Girl Time, Take Three, "are trying to get me drunk." (She still took the shot.)
"Why would you say that, Lily?" asked Barney, innocently.
"You think that I'm going to sleep with you."
Barney raised a perfectly waxed eyebrow. "I am shocked and appalled at that accusation. You have a dirty mind."
"This isn't about my dirty mind. It's about yours."
Barney grinned. "So you admit you have one?"
Lily just glared, holding her shot glass. "You’re a bitch.”
“You kiss your mother with that mouth?”
“I was trying to be nice to you.”
"Well, you're doing a stellar job of it so far." Barney took a sip of her scotch and soda. Lily just grumbled, and leaned back in her chair.
"You're a jerk," she said, for the second time that day. They then proceed to drink in silence.
"So, what," said Barney, after a while, "is that it? That's all you've learned from Girl Time? That I'm a jerk?"
"Pretty much." Lily laid her palms out flat on the table. Her fingernails were perfect and pink. Lily didn't even thank her for that, either.
"Seems like a waste of time to me."
"Maybe it was." Lily sighed. “I don’t get to hang out with other women very much.”
“I don’t, either.”
“Yeah, you do.”
“I sleep with them. That’s not the same.”
Lily rolled her eyes. “God, you’re not one of those lesbians that hates hanging out with straight people, are you?”
“I like Ted and Marshall just fine.”
“So, it’s me, then. Because I’m not interested in you.”
Barney didn’t say anything. Lily laughed. “God, you have to have some serious mother issues or something.”
"Yeah," Barney said. "Me and everyone else on the planet. You're a shitty psychologist, Aldrin."
Lily opened her mouth, as if to offer a rebuttal, and then shut it again. Barney smiled, triumphantly.
* * *
Lily was right, of course. Growing up with someone who thought that Barnaby Ann was a lovely name for a little girl was bound to give you issues. Along with everything else.
Life was easier, she thought sometimes, for James. He was naturally outgoing and friendly. Plus, he was a boy. Barney had never been like that - she'd been the smart one, the one who got a free ride to college, the one who always did their homework on Saturday night. But, although she was given crap for being a nerd, that was nothing compared to being dirty.
Barney loved her mom, but she hadn't exactly been the most responsible person on the face of the earth. There'd been times when she forgot to pay the water bill, and they were stuck, unable to shower or wash their clothes or brush their teeth, for weeks on end. And, even when the water was working, Barney learned the value of keeping her clothes (her cheap Sears-brand clothes) immaculate, because if you stained it, it could be a month before Mom remembered to do the laundry.
It was easier for James. No one noticed, or cared, if a football-playing boy smelled a little. But girls were different. Barney couldn't afford the stuff for her face to get rid of acne. She couldn't afford makeup, or hair product, or anything to make her pretty like the other girls in class.
And girls were crueler than guys. If a guy didn’t like you, he told you, usually with his fists. If a girl didn’t like you, she found a way to get under your skin and really hurt you.
She still remembered the time that she’d been invited to Ellie Larson’s birthday party. Ellie had been held back a year, and she was practically a woman - she had breasts and hips, which appealed to Barney in ways that she couldn’t put a name to at the time. Nothing special. But for the weird, nerdy, grimy girl who lingered too long in the locker rooms, it was like a ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.
Ellie had gone up to her personally to tell her that it was cancelled, pouting her lips sadly. Barney had been disappointed, but she’d told her she understood. Of course, when she heard about how great Ellie’s party had been through overhead chatter on Monday morning, it had stung.
Every girl Barney knew gossiped. Every girl she knew talked trash about her friends. Even Shannon had turned out to be that way. At least guys were honest.
Girls were bitches. She didn’t know any exceptions.
* * *
“You wouldn’t be doing this if I wasn’t a woman,” Barney said. “Well, we’re not going to be gal pals.”
“You wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t attractive,” Lily replied. “And I’m not going to have sex with you.”
Barney nodded. “Just as long as we’re clear on that.”
Marshall entered the bar and sat down in the booth next to Lily. “Hey. How was your day?”
Barney went up to get another scotch before she could hear the reply. When she turned back to the bar, she saw Marshall’s big arm wrapped, gently, around Lily’s small shoulders. It was the sort of image you saw on fiftieth anniversary cards, and Barney found that her lips were curled, slightly, into a smile.
It was a strange moment, and it passed quickly.
* * *
It took Barney a long time to admit that perhaps she and Lily were friends after all.
It took Lily three months and one plane ticket longer.
Link to next part
Title: Girlfriends
Previously On: Stranger Things
Fandom: HIMYM
Characters: girl!Barney, Lily
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 1750
Warning: some language, genderfuck
Summary: Lily insists that she and Barney spend girl time together. Barney is less than cooperative.
Barney always knew that she and Lily weren’t going to be friends, right from the first moment that they met. It took Lily slightly longer to wash her hands of Barney.
It was Lily who insisted on the two of them spending “girl time” together. Barney only let her drag her to the mall because Lily was, in a word, smoking hot. She was short, but perfectly proportioned, and she had that sweet and corruptible look about her. Also, her name ended in -ly, which meant that she had to be amazing in the sack. Sure, there was the issue of her boyfriend the man-mountain, but Lily had to know that she could do way better. Besides, she had repressed bisexual written all over her.
But Barney had never gotten the appeal of shopping - her mom had never had much time or money for it, but Rhonda had taken her a few times, and each one was more mind-numbingly dull than the last. And even after she got her job at Altrucell, and could afford to buy the fancy dresses in the window that she had just been able to stare at when she was younger, Barney still preferred going to the tailor’s and getting something fitted.
It didn’t help that Lily was the most obnoxious sort of shopper - she’d spend five hours trying things on, and then deciding that she didn't like any of them. Plus, her dress sense was probably the complete opposite of Barney's - Lily liked full skirts and soft patterns, whereas Barney wore suits. Pantsuits, at that. (The last time she wore a skirt was in 1998. Barney remembers the exact date.)
"So, what do you think?" Lily asked, coming out into the hallway. Barney was occupied with the Business section of the New York Times, and mumbled something along the lines of "fine". "Barney, you're not even looking."
Barney sighed, lifted her eyes briefly, and then looked back down. "Fine."
Lily let out an irritated groan. "Do you think the skirt's too short?"
This peaked Barney's interest. "Lily, there's no such thing as too short a skirt."
She looked in the mirror. "Of course you'd say that." Barney smirked. Lily pretended to be a paragon of friendliness, but only a few hours had passed and she was making passive-aggressive remarks. All girls really were the same.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Barney asked, playfully.
"You only like sluts."
"Wrong. You haven't put out yet and I'm still here."
Lily shook her head. "You're a jerk."
Barney picked up her paper again. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm not the one whose ass looks fat." Barney peeked over the top of the page to see Lily glare at her. Then the other girl turned to face away from the mirror, looked over her shoulder, and visibly blanched.
Barney chuckled. Chicks were way too easy.
* * *
When Lily tired of shopping, Barney suggested going to get a manicure, and Lily seemed pleased that they had found some common ground. Naturally, it didn’t exactly work out the way that Lily had hoped.
“So I was yelling at Tyler to put the water gun down, and in comes my principal!” Lily said to the bored Korean girl filing her nails, laughing loudly. Barney rolled her eyes as she took a business call. She’d never been the sort of girl who blabbed to the hairdresser or the manicurist about her ordinary life - not that her life was ordinary. Her life was awesome. But most of it was either classified information, or none of their damn business.
Barney ended the call and looked over to the TV screen, which was playing an old episode of some Korean drama.
“So,” Lily said, and Barney realized that she was talking to her, “you do this often?”
“Yeah, every week.”
Lily nodded. “It’s nice here.”
Barney never really got the small talk thing. It’s useful for business reasons, sometimes, but it was so dull.
“Yeah, that’s sort of the reason why I like it,” Barney said, drily. Lily looked at her like maybe she was going to go into her schoolteacher lecture (oh, man, Barney would have so much fun with schoolteacher fantasies if and when she managed to talk Lily into bed), but she didn’t.
“What’s happening on the screen?” Lily asked.
“The flat-chested chick’s sad because her boyfriend with the stupid haircut left her,” Barney replied. She wasn’t entirely sure, actually - these things tended to be really complicated - but Lily would never know.
“Right.”
Barney looked over at Lily’s nails. “Wow, your cuticles really need some work.”
Lily rolled her eyes. “I was just trying to make conversation.”
“Lily, you’re hot and all, but if you think we’re going to be girlfriends, you’re sorely mistaken.”
Lily blinked, and turned back to the girl doing her nails.
Barney suggested going back to the bar once they had finished. Lily agreed.
* * *
"You," Lily said, accusingly, during Girl Time, Take Three, "are trying to get me drunk." (She still took the shot.)
"Why would you say that, Lily?" asked Barney, innocently.
"You think that I'm going to sleep with you."
Barney raised a perfectly waxed eyebrow. "I am shocked and appalled at that accusation. You have a dirty mind."
"This isn't about my dirty mind. It's about yours."
Barney grinned. "So you admit you have one?"
Lily just glared, holding her shot glass. "You’re a bitch.”
“You kiss your mother with that mouth?”
“I was trying to be nice to you.”
"Well, you're doing a stellar job of it so far." Barney took a sip of her scotch and soda. Lily just grumbled, and leaned back in her chair.
"You're a jerk," she said, for the second time that day. They then proceed to drink in silence.
"So, what," said Barney, after a while, "is that it? That's all you've learned from Girl Time? That I'm a jerk?"
"Pretty much." Lily laid her palms out flat on the table. Her fingernails were perfect and pink. Lily didn't even thank her for that, either.
"Seems like a waste of time to me."
"Maybe it was." Lily sighed. “I don’t get to hang out with other women very much.”
“I don’t, either.”
“Yeah, you do.”
“I sleep with them. That’s not the same.”
Lily rolled her eyes. “God, you’re not one of those lesbians that hates hanging out with straight people, are you?”
“I like Ted and Marshall just fine.”
“So, it’s me, then. Because I’m not interested in you.”
Barney didn’t say anything. Lily laughed. “God, you have to have some serious mother issues or something.”
"Yeah," Barney said. "Me and everyone else on the planet. You're a shitty psychologist, Aldrin."
Lily opened her mouth, as if to offer a rebuttal, and then shut it again. Barney smiled, triumphantly.
* * *
Lily was right, of course. Growing up with someone who thought that Barnaby Ann was a lovely name for a little girl was bound to give you issues. Along with everything else.
Life was easier, she thought sometimes, for James. He was naturally outgoing and friendly. Plus, he was a boy. Barney had never been like that - she'd been the smart one, the one who got a free ride to college, the one who always did their homework on Saturday night. But, although she was given crap for being a nerd, that was nothing compared to being dirty.
Barney loved her mom, but she hadn't exactly been the most responsible person on the face of the earth. There'd been times when she forgot to pay the water bill, and they were stuck, unable to shower or wash their clothes or brush their teeth, for weeks on end. And, even when the water was working, Barney learned the value of keeping her clothes (her cheap Sears-brand clothes) immaculate, because if you stained it, it could be a month before Mom remembered to do the laundry.
It was easier for James. No one noticed, or cared, if a football-playing boy smelled a little. But girls were different. Barney couldn't afford the stuff for her face to get rid of acne. She couldn't afford makeup, or hair product, or anything to make her pretty like the other girls in class.
And girls were crueler than guys. If a guy didn’t like you, he told you, usually with his fists. If a girl didn’t like you, she found a way to get under your skin and really hurt you.
She still remembered the time that she’d been invited to Ellie Larson’s birthday party. Ellie had been held back a year, and she was practically a woman - she had breasts and hips, which appealed to Barney in ways that she couldn’t put a name to at the time. Nothing special. But for the weird, nerdy, grimy girl who lingered too long in the locker rooms, it was like a ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.
Ellie had gone up to her personally to tell her that it was cancelled, pouting her lips sadly. Barney had been disappointed, but she’d told her she understood. Of course, when she heard about how great Ellie’s party had been through overhead chatter on Monday morning, it had stung.
Every girl Barney knew gossiped. Every girl she knew talked trash about her friends. Even Shannon had turned out to be that way. At least guys were honest.
Girls were bitches. She didn’t know any exceptions.
* * *
“You wouldn’t be doing this if I wasn’t a woman,” Barney said. “Well, we’re not going to be gal pals.”
“You wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t attractive,” Lily replied. “And I’m not going to have sex with you.”
Barney nodded. “Just as long as we’re clear on that.”
Marshall entered the bar and sat down in the booth next to Lily. “Hey. How was your day?”
Barney went up to get another scotch before she could hear the reply. When she turned back to the bar, she saw Marshall’s big arm wrapped, gently, around Lily’s small shoulders. It was the sort of image you saw on fiftieth anniversary cards, and Barney found that her lips were curled, slightly, into a smile.
It was a strange moment, and it passed quickly.
* * *
It took Barney a long time to admit that perhaps she and Lily were friends after all.
It took Lily three months and one plane ticket longer.
Link to next part