I'm kind of using the stories to do that. I think if this keeps up, I'm going to be forced into a position where I have to have definitive answers for questions. Hopefully the answers will come. :)
I'm glad to see you're continuing this ... I love the way you're describing the Fire. As I've followed this from the first couple installments, I've really seen this start to take shape as the weeks have gone on, and I can really appreciate the work that's gone into it. Great job!
I'm glad you're enjoying the ride! Thanks for sticking around to see the changes. You think it's different now, you should see the rewrite I did for that for installment. Not even the same story anymore.
It is an intriguing idea, these stories, how there must be a cleansing 'something' somewhere, and some'one' to do it. And these 'ones' have the same minds as the humans... I have strange mind-pictures arising from these of humans in white robes. But I have to read on, you are leading me to...
GeneralYour opening’s a good hook, especially how it is revealed that Mark is a seasoned hitman after his nattering on about inconsequential day-to-day things
( ... )
from the vendor’s stands-this implies that there’s only one vendor in the market, to avoid this, just cancel the vendor’s?
The words of the Imperial News Network scrolled by his eyes, unseen. (add comma)
Mark breathed slowly and let his soul fall into the Fire (that would be the grammatically correct option, but I do get why you might want to choose slow in this case.)
He could see the white burning of the man's soul like a beacon. Suggested rewrite: He could see the man’s soul, white, burning like a beacon. Or however you choose to reword it, it’s just that white burning sounds awkward.
The Fire beckoned to him, and he felt the draw of it, but this time he resisted. Suggested rewrite: The Fire beckoned to him, and though he felt its draw, he resisted. The third part of the sentence sounds clumsy otherwise.
There’s no need to introduce Suhar as his master, Suhar if Mark is going to address him as Master immediately after that introduction, it’s quite obvious and saying it twice is repetitive.
-You actually go into the story. You dig into the guts of it to see whether it works or not - and then you tell me so.
-You catch all the little inconsistencies in how I've written that I didn't notice, so that I can go back and see them and fix them.
-Strong line-edits don't hurt any either.
Honestly, I'd given up hope that I'd ever see a strong edit like this. I thought I was just going to have to make do with pithy "nice story" and a bunch of line edits that would never really tell me how to get better as a writer. There's a reason I keep begging the community for "No Holds Barred."
You brought it. I wish all the editors were strong like this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I like this. Good use of the prompt with the "sorry" coming as a sort of revelation to the fledgling assassin. I'd like to see this character developed, too.
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Well done.
You should look into continuing this universe and setting up its parameters.
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I like this, very much... please lead me further.
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GeneralYour opening’s a good hook, especially how it is revealed that Mark is a seasoned hitman after his nattering on about inconsequential day-to-day things ( ... )
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from the vendor’s stands-this implies that there’s only one vendor in the market, to avoid this, just cancel the vendor’s?
The words of the Imperial News Network scrolled by his eyes, unseen. (add comma)
Mark breathed slowly and let his soul fall into the Fire (that would be the grammatically correct option, but I do get why you might want to choose slow in this case.)
He could see the white burning of the man's soul like a beacon. Suggested rewrite: He could see the man’s soul, white, burning like a beacon. Or however you choose to reword it, it’s just that white burning sounds awkward.
The Fire beckoned to him, and he felt the draw of it, but this time he resisted. Suggested rewrite: The Fire beckoned to him, and though he felt its draw, he resisted. The third part of the sentence sounds clumsy otherwise.
There’s no need to introduce Suhar as his master, Suhar if Mark is going to address him as Master immediately after that introduction, it’s quite obvious and saying it twice is repetitive.
You care to ( ... )
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You. You are the best editor EVER. Here's why:
-You actually go into the story. You dig into the guts of it to see whether it works or not - and then you tell me so.
-You catch all the little inconsistencies in how I've written that I didn't notice, so that I can go back and see them and fix them.
-Strong line-edits don't hurt any either.
Honestly, I'd given up hope that I'd ever see a strong edit like this. I thought I was just going to have to make do with pithy "nice story" and a bunch of line edits that would never really tell me how to get better as a writer. There's a reason I keep begging the community for "No Holds Barred."
You brought it. I wish all the editors were strong like this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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