Your opening’s a good hook, especially how it is revealed that Mark is a seasoned hitman after his nattering on about inconsequential day-to-day things.
I get the feeling that you were going for a choppy, abrupt style, thus the consistently short sentences that do have strength in their simplicity. The use of this technique was sustained throughout the piece, but I don’t get why you would opt for what can be a rather jarring method when the use of longer, more flowing sentences would allow the reader to better empathize with the inner calm that Mark felt. Perhaps longer sentences might be used up till the point where Mark felt the flash light up his mind? Also, that event was arguably the turning point of this piece, so maybe more emotion/description could’ve been put into it, since I came away from my reread feeling that it should’ve been more dramatic to effect such a sudden revelation on Mark’s part.
Also, I thought more could be done to make a clear differentiation in personality between Mark and the person he had to kill. (Btw, not giving him a name was an excellent choice, it nods to the fact that to Mark, he was no one special, and contributes to a starker contrast in the second part.) By making Mark notice plenty of small details (as his job would require him to do so) that were relevant to his job and making the…murderee? notice flowers, of all things, would set up a greater shock for when it is later revealed that he is not the innocent man he is portrayed to be.
Anyway. Plot wise, it’s beautiful and very human, and the sense of impending danger in the first part really comes across. I love that Mark learns to come off his moral high ground as someone who murders murderers and learns to see all of them as simply people who have more than one facet to them. It’s a great story :D
(Also, I’m sort of new and haven’t been following you and so if there’s stuff I don’t get because they’re references to past works, I do apologize!)
from the vendor’s stands-this implies that there’s only one vendor in the market, to avoid this, just cancel the vendor’s?
The words of the Imperial News Network scrolled by his eyes, unseen. (add comma)
Mark breathed slowly and let his soul fall into the Fire (that would be the grammatically correct option, but I do get why you might want to choose slow in this case.)
He could see the white burning of the man's soul like a beacon. Suggested rewrite: He could see the man’s soul, white, burning like a beacon. Or however you choose to reword it, it’s just that white burning sounds awkward.
The Fire beckoned to him, and he felt the draw of it, but this time he resisted. Suggested rewrite: The Fire beckoned to him, and though he felt its draw, he resisted. The third part of the sentence sounds clumsy otherwise.
There’s no need to introduce Suhar as his master, Suhar if Mark is going to address him as Master immediately after that introduction, it’s quite obvious and saying it twice is repetitive.
You care to tell me what's going on? I don’t have a suggested rewrite for this, or any…logical explanation why, but the first impression I got from that line was that Suhar was a cold, calculative superior who didn’t care for Mark as a person and only valued him for his abilities. That isn’t the person who Suhar is by the end of the piece, so maybe a more… Suhar-ish line, as it were, would be more appropriate? Especially since this is the first line he delivers, which sets the tone for his character.
They'd been on his back in the shower, scrubbing at himself to make them go away. Sounds awkward, maybe: They’d been on his back in the shower, stubbornly resisting his attempts to scrub them away. or something like that. (Also, I love your next line, you do the contrasting imagery really, really well!)
I didn’t really understand your Better than the dream of someone. line.
Deep breath in and deep breath out. Mark knew that Suhar did not take 'I don't know' for an answer. But one thing came to mind and he spit it out before he could think about it. This paragraph sounds jarring as a whole, especially the last sentence, there’s probably no need to have that bit in a separate sentence. It’s also quite abrupt to suddenly switch to second person pov (of sorts) with the deep breath in and deep breath out without having used it anywhere before or after this point. In this case, Mark took a deep breath, fully aware that Suhar did not take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. probably works as well.
You missed a fullstop! After Mark nodded.
Mark didn't suppose he had another choice. also sounds awkward, and anyway, I’d expect him to be more resigned than that-little things like shoulders sagging, or posture stiffening, those help to convey the same idea across too.
-You actually go into the story. You dig into the guts of it to see whether it works or not - and then you tell me so.
-You catch all the little inconsistencies in how I've written that I didn't notice, so that I can go back and see them and fix them.
-Strong line-edits don't hurt any either.
Honestly, I'd given up hope that I'd ever see a strong edit like this. I thought I was just going to have to make do with pithy "nice story" and a bunch of line edits that would never really tell me how to get better as a writer. There's a reason I keep begging the community for "No Holds Barred."
You brought it. I wish all the editors were strong like this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
General
Your opening’s a good hook, especially how it is revealed that Mark is a seasoned hitman after his nattering on about inconsequential day-to-day things.
I get the feeling that you were going for a choppy, abrupt style, thus the consistently short sentences that do have strength in their simplicity. The use of this technique was sustained throughout the piece, but I don’t get why you would opt for what can be a rather jarring method when the use of longer, more flowing sentences would allow the reader to better empathize with the inner calm that Mark felt. Perhaps longer sentences might be used up till the point where Mark felt the flash light up his mind? Also, that event was arguably the turning point of this piece, so maybe more emotion/description could’ve been put into it, since I came away from my reread feeling that it should’ve been more dramatic to effect such a sudden revelation on Mark’s part.
Also, I thought more could be done to make a clear differentiation in personality between Mark and the person he had to kill. (Btw, not giving him a name was an excellent choice, it nods to the fact that to Mark, he was no one special, and contributes to a starker contrast in the second part.) By making Mark notice plenty of small details (as his job would require him to do so) that were relevant to his job and making the…murderee? notice flowers, of all things, would set up a greater shock for when it is later revealed that he is not the innocent man he is portrayed to be.
Anyway. Plot wise, it’s beautiful and very human, and the sense of impending danger in the first part really comes across. I love that Mark learns to come off his moral high ground as someone who murders murderers and learns to see all of them as simply people who have more than one facet to them. It’s a great story :D
(Also, I’m sort of new and haven’t been following you and so if there’s stuff I don’t get because they’re references to past works, I do apologize!)
Reply
from the vendor’s stands-this implies that there’s only one vendor in the market, to avoid this, just cancel the vendor’s?
The words of the Imperial News Network scrolled by his eyes, unseen. (add comma)
Mark breathed slowly and let his soul fall into the Fire (that would be the grammatically correct option, but I do get why you might want to choose slow in this case.)
He could see the white burning of the man's soul like a beacon. Suggested rewrite: He could see the man’s soul, white, burning like a beacon. Or however you choose to reword it, it’s just that white burning sounds awkward.
The Fire beckoned to him, and he felt the draw of it, but this time he resisted. Suggested rewrite: The Fire beckoned to him, and though he felt its draw, he resisted. The third part of the sentence sounds clumsy otherwise.
There’s no need to introduce Suhar as his master, Suhar if Mark is going to address him as Master immediately after that introduction, it’s quite obvious and saying it twice is repetitive.
You care to tell me what's going on? I don’t have a suggested rewrite for this, or any…logical explanation why, but the first impression I got from that line was that Suhar was a cold, calculative superior who didn’t care for Mark as a person and only valued him for his abilities. That isn’t the person who Suhar is by the end of the piece, so maybe a more… Suhar-ish line, as it were, would be more appropriate? Especially since this is the first line he delivers, which sets the tone for his character.
They'd been on his back in the shower, scrubbing at himself to make them go away. Sounds awkward, maybe: They’d been on his back in the shower, stubbornly resisting his attempts to scrub them away. or something like that. (Also, I love your next line, you do the contrasting imagery really, really well!)
I didn’t really understand your Better than the dream of someone. line.
Deep breath in and deep breath out. Mark knew that Suhar did not take 'I don't know' for an answer. But one thing came to mind and he spit it out before he could think about it.
This paragraph sounds jarring as a whole, especially the last sentence, there’s probably no need to have that bit in a separate sentence. It’s also quite abrupt to suddenly switch to second person pov (of sorts) with the deep breath in and deep breath out without having used it anywhere before or after this point. In this case, Mark took a deep breath, fully aware that Suhar did not take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. probably works as well.
You missed a fullstop! After Mark nodded.
Mark didn't suppose he had another choice. also sounds awkward, and anyway, I’d expect him to be more resigned than that-little things like shoulders sagging, or posture stiffening, those help to convey the same idea across too.
Reply
You. You are the best editor EVER. Here's why:
-You actually go into the story. You dig into the guts of it to see whether it works or not - and then you tell me so.
-You catch all the little inconsistencies in how I've written that I didn't notice, so that I can go back and see them and fix them.
-Strong line-edits don't hurt any either.
Honestly, I'd given up hope that I'd ever see a strong edit like this. I thought I was just going to have to make do with pithy "nice story" and a bunch of line edits that would never really tell me how to get better as a writer. There's a reason I keep begging the community for "No Holds Barred."
You brought it. I wish all the editors were strong like this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Reply
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