WHAT THE HOLY FUCK IS THIS

[ld_sk]

WHO: Kakuzu and Hidan
WHAT: The results of their little 'bet'.
WHEN: October 1st (shut up this was 46 pages long)
WHERE: Almost everywhere on the damn island.
WARNINGS: EVERYTHING.


The shower was still. Fucking. Freezing.

Hidan muttered curses under his breath, pushing his hair back with one hand, the other barely keeping the lemon-coloured fluffy towel around his hips. The blond muttered a few more creative words when he opened the medicine cabinet to find that his brush wasn’t there and flung the towel into the washing basket, picking up another one to sling around his shoulders and catch the water that dripped from his hair.

Cold fucking water, shitty apartment with paper thin walls (he could hear the overdramatic sweep of some shitty musical from next door a-fucking-gain). Hidan was sick of this place.

Seriously.

He made his way to the fridge, looking for a beer or something alcoholic to settle him, the cold air brushing against his naked body and making him even colder (not that by now he cared). His hand curled around a can of Foster’s (what the f--) and pulled it out.

Well, better than nothing, he supposed, leaning against the counter and taking a swig of the bitter drink.

All things considered, Kakuzu didn't mind too much that they lacked hot water in their shower. Really, a cold shower was supposed to be good for you and did wonders at waking you up in the morning anyway. His room mate was the one who moaned and groaned about every little thing, and as such, a month prior, they had made a little bet.

A bet that, on the first of the month, Hidan had officially lost.

He had, apparently, failed to find them a better apartment for the same rent. When he'd heard the shower go off, he marked off the page in his book, setting it aside and waited for the opportune moment. By no stretch of the imagination was he one to let go of a bet he'd won. Especially when he realized that he hadn't named the conditions in the first place. Which in turn meant that he could now name whatever price he wanted, and he had a few devious thoughts up his sleeve. He wasn't particularly a vengeful person, but he could be rather vindictive when it came to Hidan, and really only him. Hidan was the only person who managed to grate on his nerves that much.

As the fridge door closed, Kakuzu was standing there, trying his hardest to not look directly at his sky-clad roommate, wondering when it was the man had deemed it proper to walk around the apartment without any clothes.

"I think we have something to talk about," he said, with the slightest hint of a smirk. "Regarding our little...bet."

Hidan was known for his sexual deviance- even if he threw religion around like rice at a wedding- not that much ever really came from that (they were all rumours) but the way he talked and some of the things he did (he was a slut). But for nudity- it wasn’t a sexual thing. Hell, the Lord made them come into the world naked and it wasn’t like it was anything his roommate wouldn’t have seen before (though sometimes he made Hidan wonder). He drank some more of the alcohol and placed it on the counter, folding his arms defensively.

The stupid fucking bet. It wasn’t like Hidan hadn’t tried to find a place; just most landlords didn’t like being threatened with grievous bodily harm if they didn’t listen to the blond.

And that stupid fucking smirk. It wasn’t the first time Hidan had seen it- he knew it wouldn’t be the last either- and he wanted to wipe it off Kakuzu’s face every time it appeared.

Fuck if he didn’t hate that Kakuzu wore it when he was in the right.

“Yeah, yeah. How much do you want?” The greedy bastard only ever wanted money, after all. Hidan could deal with that easy. Money was something he had plenty of- mostly from his family. His dance major had yet to be used for anything. (Because this fucking island lacks any fucking legitimate ways for a dancer to earn money- Hell if Hidan was wasting all his talent in ballroom and jazz to shake his ass in a spangled thong... no matter how good he looked in it.)

The thought of taking money had been tempting, especially to Kakuzu of all people. But then he realized that it would all go back into rent and groceries anyway. No, he wanted something that money couldn't buy from this, and he'd thought long and hard about what he was going to do. He wanted to buy revenge. But not flat-out revenge. If he wanted to kick Hidan's ass, he probably could. That would be easy enough, seeing how he couldn't even defend himself against a brat with a baseball bat.

And then it had come to him.

The one thing that Hidan would hate more than anything Kakuzu could ever do or say. The one thing that was bound to be humbling, no matter what. And he knew he could get the blond to do it, because he was of the sincere opinion that he was a lot more persuasive than Hidan gave him credit for.

"Oh, it's not a how much," Kakuzu replied, his grin growing a bit as he took a step forward. He was baiting his room mate, just so the punchline would be that much sweeter. He expected to encounter some resistance of course, which was just going to make it even better when he came out on top.

It was never good when Kakuzu seemed this happy. And when he said it wasn’t how much. Kakuzu always thought in terms of money. Hidan gulped, leaning back slightly. What the fuck was going through the fucker’s mind? He didn’t like this.

Trying to seem less than worried, he forced a cocky grin onto his face. “Wait- you’re not wanting money? Did you get smacked on the head or something?” He joked, fingers tightening against the counter.

Hidan really hated that he couldn’t read the bastard’s mind. He’d always had Kakuzu down as the (more) predictable out of the two- but Hidan had always sucked at self-reflection- anything could be solved with money.

“Seriously- you don’t want cash?” There was a hint of worry to his voice this time. If Kakuzu didn’t want money... well... fuck. This just left so many horrible things it could be- especially with that grin on Kakuzu’s face.

"There are some things that money can't buy," Kakuzu reminded Hidan, waggling a finger dramatically. He could sense the apprehension in the other man's voice, and rightfully so. If Kakuzu didn't want money...then it should only follow that he had something devious up his sleeve.

He disappeared for a few moments, back to his room, returning with a large mass of cloth in his arms. If he held it out by the shoulders, it would have been easy to see that it was the same dress he had made at work. The one Hidan had absolutely hated. And what might not be automatically noticeable was that it had been custom tailored. What was also not noticeable was the pair of ladies underwear clenched in his fist, obscured by folds of fabric.

He did indeed have something devious up his sleeve.

"You should know better than to make a bet and not name the conditions up front," Kakuzu said, same smirk still plastered in place, as he held the dress out. "So my terms? For the next twenty four hours, you will do whatever I say, starting by putting this on."

It was the most sadistic thing that he had ever done, but not only would he be able to hold this over Hidan's head for the entire rest of the time they knew each other, it would become amazing blackmail.

What.

WHAT.

Hidan spluttered in shock, face drained of what little colour there ever was in it. He eyed the dress with the same contempt and disbelief he’d held when he first saw the frilly, lacy disaster of a thing. Fuck. Why him. Seriously. There were so many other things Kakuzu could have done. Hidan hadn’t done anything too bad lately- why was he being punished with the worst of the worst? If Kakuzu wanted a model for that atrocity there were plenty of other fuckers on this island he could ask. Like that little girl- what the fuck was her name... Mika? Fuck if Hidan knew or cared- he fucked around with whenever. Seriously.

“Are you high or something, Kakuzu? No, seriously dude, this is way overkill,” he moaned, looking at the red and black... thing. (It was such a good thing Hidan couldn’t see what else was in Kakuzu’s hand. He’d only complain more and louder.)

His eyes still trained on the dress like a trainwreck, and he shuddered.

It was everything Kakuzu could do to not burst out laughing at Hidan's reaction. This was payment enough, really, but just like he liked to stretch every dollar, he was going to stretch this too. But already he knew that he'd come up with the perfect plan. He persisted in holding out the dress, taking another few steps forwards so that he was practically shoving it into the other man's chest.

"Before you agreed, you didn't wait for me to specify what I'd get if I won," Kakuzu explained calmly, managing to keep his composure, despite how much he wished he had a camera on hand. Alas, it was back in his room. "I'm trying to teach you something about making bets. Now put it on before I put it on for you."

And he was entirely serious. If Hidan didn't put it on willingly in the next thirty seconds, he would force it on him, even if he had to knock him out first. He was going to see Hidan in that dress and he was going to get a nice set of photographs from it, whether the other man liked it or not.

Hidan didn’t even like the material being pressed against him, forget wearing it. The blond gritted his teeth, fingers slowly wrenching off the counter. Unfortunately he knew Kakuzu too well to assume that he wasn’t being serious about putting it on.

“Fine. Fucking fine,” he growled, snatching the kimono-like thing from Kakuzu’s hands with no pretence of gentility, marching off towards the bathroom with a furious stalk. One day he’d kill the smug greedy bastard.

And then said bastard could burn in Hell and Hidan would laugh. He was always telling Kakuzu that his sinful ways would land him there and Hidan knew it would be by his hand. He deserved that much, he felt.

Of course, Hidan was still very much oblivious to the other thing Kakuzu had in his hand.

"Ah but wait, you didn't get all of it!"

Kakuzu gave chase, which really wasn't difficult with the size of the apartment. He held out his palm, presenting the pair of ladies underwear he'd managed to pick up as well. As embarrassing as it had been to obtain them, it was going to prove worth it. They were black like the cloth of the dress, with a small red bow at the front and mesh trim. It went perfectly with the rest of the outfit, as to be expected. Kakuzu would never make Hidan wear something that didn't match. He watched, still stifling a chuckle, to see what Hidan would do, wondering if the blond even know what to do with underwear, let alone women's underwear, so it would be amusing no matter what the outcome. He would have the camera waiting for when Hidan finally managed to get it on, as it would probably take him a little while.

And if Hidan thought that this was all Kakuzu had planned for him, he was going to be rather disappointed. He was going to take full advantage of the next twenty-four hours.

Hidan looked at the material in Kakuzu’s palm and then back up to the other man with a look that clearly said ‘you are fucking nuts, dude’ and placed a hand on his hip, dress slung over his other arm.

“You are such a fucking ass,” he muttered, snatching the panties out of the other man’s hand and stalking into the bathroom. He’d rather go commando than wear these things. Seriously. At least that was comfortable.

As soon as he closed the door he tossed the underwear in the bin and made about with trying to put the damn thing on. (How he hated Kakuzu. Oh how he hated him. This stunt was just the latest straw in a string of reasons to hate the bastard.) Folds of red and black enveloped his torso until eventually the damned thing was on. Luckily dancing meant that his legs were constantly hair free (not that blond hair was ever particularly visible) and though perhaps a bit too muscular... ah, Hell. He didn’t look half bad in this damned thing. Even if it was ridiculous.

Swallowing the little scraps of pride he had left, Hidan opened the door, one arm stretched above his head and grasping the doorframe idly as he leant into it.

“Happy?” He demanded, glowering as threateningly as possible through this stupid outfit and loose blond locks that he’d tamed slightly since the battle with this... thing.

As Hidan reemerged, Kakuzu made sure he was ready with the camera, snapping a few shots before lowering, same smug grin in place as he finally let out a chuckle. To his own credit, he'd managed to tailor the horrendous thing without even having Hidan's measurements, merely guessing as to where to let it out and where to take it in, and how long to make it. And as much as Kakuzu hated to admit it, it looked pretty damn good on him.

No, those weren't thoughts he should be thinking. He had more important things to tend to other than thinking that his room mate actually looked better than most girls did in that dress. Of course there was more. The clock was still ticking down.

"Elated," he replied, lowering the hand holding the camera so that it hung at his side. "Now that's not all. Until these twenty-four hours are up, you can not bitch. Or whine. Or moan. Or complain. About anyone or anything. And each time you do complain, you have to say something nice about me. Any questions?"

Sadism at its best. Kakuzu knew these were high stakes, because Hidan both enjoyed complaining and hated saying nice things about Kakuzu, as far as he was concerned. He wondered if he could actually manage to make the compromise. It was almost like a little experiment.

“WHAT?!” Hidan screeched, voice raising a couple of pitches in shock. He wasn’t sure which part of losing this bet he hated the most.

Oh yeah, Kakuzu’s smugness. He wondered how much penance he’d have to pay for punching the bastard straight in the face. Probably a lot. Gritting his teeth, he managed to only curl his hand into a fist and not break the camera or Kakuzu’s face.

‘I hate him, I hate him and that smug grin, fucking ass. Fucking little cunt...’ The thoughts continued to be filled with more creative insults as he pushed himself off the doorframe, skirt flaring slightly around his thighs, walking towards the main living space to flop down on the couch heavily, the frills exploding around him while he crossed his legs and folded his arms, scowling.

He would find his payback. Oh how he swore he would. Ideas were already floating in his head and the scowl turned into a slight smirk.

“Fine. My liege,” he responded, voice filled with sarcasm.

Kakuzu knew that Hidan was probably plotting his demise right now, but this...this was just too much. It was just too hilarious, but Kakuzu needed to sit back and think some more for now. There were so many obvious uses for this, but they would come in due time. For now, he would simply take comfort that Hidan couldn't complain for once, which he didn't think had ever happened since he'd known the man.

"That's it for now," Kakuzu said, sitting on the other end of the couch, taking up his newspaper from the coffee table. "I must say though, you look absolutely adorable. You should try that style more often."

His voice was dripping with more sarcasm than you could shake a stick at. It was fun toying with Hidan, and Kakuzu had every intention of trying the man to breaking point. If he knew Hidan well at all, and he liked to think he did, he had a rather short fuse and it wouldn't be too long before he was forcing the blond to say something nice.

Hidan deliberately shifted away from Kakuzu, body language making it more than a little obvious that he was not at all pleased with his roommate. His eye twitched as Kakuzu baited him and he had to literally bite down on his tongue to stop from hurling a plethora of insults towards the dark-haired man.

“Oh, I think you’d suit it more,” he replied tensely, tugging at the sleeve of the dress in an effort to distract himself, looking up at the clock.

Hurry. The fuck up. Seriously. He just knew today would drag. The blond reclined further back in the couch and ran a hand through his hair to shove the strands that hung by his face back from it as they tickled his cheeks.

The clock barely passed a few seconds.

Hidan groaned loudly.

"I made it just for you, though," Kakuzu shot back, feigning sweetness. Then again, it was true. He did have to custom make it, and he wondered for a moment how much money he'd actually put into it. More than he usually put into himself, he realized, but this...this was something that money could never buy. He almost wished it was within his price range to have set up cameras all over the apartment...or rather, he wished he'd thought of it before. The profit he could make selling the videos to students at the school would make up for the money he spent. The photos would have to be enough. He should have thought of this earlier, knowing that Hidan probably would be too stupid to set the parameters of a bet before agreeing to it. Although Kakuzu had to wonder...why was he agreeing to it so easily? He chuckled at the thought that Hidan might actually sort of enjoy the crossdressing, whether or not it was actually true.

Hidan couldn’t resist throwing the bird to Kakuzu in a mindless gesture of annoyance, gaze shifting back to the other man for all of a second to add in an eye roll.

He was only agreeing because it would get this over with. If he shut up for a day Kakuzu could get his cheap laughs and what-the-fuck-have-you. (Hidan, for all his cynicism, hadn’t stopped to consider the photos being sold.) And Hell, he wasn’t going to deny that he pulled off this crazy shit well. He’d never fucking wear these stupidly poofy dresses again, but he did look good in them. And now he could laugh at all the girls who looked idiotic in them for more reasons.

“What the Hell is so funny now?” He asked, leaning an arm against the armrest of the couch and turning his body slightly towards his roommate. Surely Kakuzu couldn’t still be laughing at this dress. Seriously, that was just sad.

"You," Kakuzu replied simply, opening up the paper to the approximate middle before digging in, and realized, in his merriment, he'd forgotten to grab his reading glasses. He looked over the top, to the coffee table, where his glasses definitely weren't, then over to Hidan. It wasn't that Kakuzu was really lazy, but hey, if you had your own personal slave for the day, why bother doing anything, when you could take advantage of every second of it?

"Now would you be a doll and get me my reading glasses? They're on my bedside table," he asked, in that persistently over sweet voice that didn't fit him. Luckily, coming from him, it came off as condescending, exactly as he intended. It wasn't normally him, until you understood his motives. Although he had to applaud Hidan: he'd gotten this far with only one rude gesture, which Kakuzu had debated punishing, and decided to let it slide just that once.

The grumbles under Hidan’s breath definitely weren’t those of a sweet little doll and he pushed himself up off the couch, skirt flying up a little too generously and his hands automatically pushed the thing back down, cheeks staining slightly with colour (because, for some unfathomable reason, it was just more embarrassing in a skirt). He continued to gripe in quiet, creative curses about making his so-called ‘friend’ burn in Hell as he snatched the case off the bedside table, but not before ‘accidentally’ dropping Kakuzu’s latest read in the trash.

The blond stalked back to the main room, dropping the glasses case into Kakuzu’s lap as he flopped onto the couch, skirt again flying around him in frills (though not as revealing as before). He sighed, heavily and overdramatically, leaning forward to pick up the TV remote and switch something on, so he was distracted from the horribly heavy presence of the man next to him.

Kakuzu just happened to notice the slight flip of the material, and just as his room mate seemed to flush, Kakuzu had to clear his throat and bury himself behind the paper. What the heck made it so different when he was in a dress, then when he was just standing buck naked in the kitchen? Although he silently cursed that he'd gone through all the trouble to get those panties and Hidan wasn't wearing them. He wouldn't admit it, but he actually thought the man could pull it off, somewhere deep down at least.

When Hidan returned, Kakuzu took the glasses with a short 'thanks', more out of habit than anything, putting them on before turning back to the paper, not really reading it but mulling over the words anyway. He couldn't believe this. He was just too distracted with the fact that Hidan was actually taking this better than he'd anticipated.

And that he looked good in that damned dress.

He pushed the thought out of his mind, turning back to the columns of finances and politics, but finding little solace in them, even after several minutes. What he did not notice was that the TV wasn't even bothering him as it usually would, absorbed more in his thoughts than reading. Too distracted, he folded it back up and set it on the table again, having made no progress. What now? A quick glance at the clock, luckily, told him it was near lunch time, and he turned again to Hidan, smirk back in place.

"Well then, what do you plan on making for lunch? I'm getting hungry, you know."

Hidan looked over at Kakuzu, a quirk of the brow the closest thing to concern or curiosity that would be revealed by the blond. Did Kakuzu just throw away the paper with little interest? Hidan wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box but he was at least that perceptive when it came to his roommate.

Said concern flew out of the window at the question. He bit back the ‘I’m not your fucking maid,’ well aware that for today, he was.

“Takeout,” he replied shortly. Hidan had cooked once in the past. A long time ago.

The repairs bill went through the roof. Needless to say he didn’t get his security deposit back for that apartment.

He stood up again, making his way to the phone. Fine, just fine, he’d pay for it. Still cheaper than the repairs.

“Yeah, sixteen inch pizza- pepperoni, anchovies and pineapple topping,” Hidan ordered, twirling the cord around his finger idly and leaning against the wall as he gave their address to the place on the other end of the phone. If it was his decision for what to make for dinner, he was picking the toppings, and picking his favourites. (And he knew Kakuzu didn’t like pizza- fucking weird, seriously.)

“Happy?” You slave driver?

The apartment was small enough that Kakuzu could hear Hidan putting in the order. They had food in the fridge that he could easily prepare without much work, which was what he had been going for, but that’s what he got for not specifying. Still, he knew that Hidan had only placed the order to piss him off. That okay today, though. It was perfectly okay because Kakuzu would easily have his revenge. It wasn’t only that he didn’t like pizza, really, or that he didn’t like junk food in general. He only disliked those things because they had the tendency to make him ill. A learned sort of dislike, but one nonetheless. Still, the gears were turning as to how he could not only how he could counteract Hidan’s rather spiteful act, but how he could further get back at him. And it was all too easy.

“Food. Food, Hidan, as in something…edible,” Kakuzu replied, acting as if he wasn’t planning a single thing. “That shit is not edible, and it’s bad for you, too. If you don’t watch it, you’re going to die of a heart attack.”

Hidan sat down on the arm of the couch, stretching his legs out lazily and reclining slightly with sublime balance (hey, there were some things he was good at!) He looked over at Kakuzu with a withering glance and folded his arms.

“I can eat it just fine. For such a cheap bastard you sure as Hell have one heck of a Princess’s stomach. Perhaps you should wear the dress, not me... princess.” Hidan should have probably remembered that he was supposed to be playing nice, but he really, really couldn’t care. (And he had the attention span of a fish, some would say.)

It wasn’t like Hidan had ordered it from some cheap little place on the island either. Fuck no. Just because he ate junk food every so often, didn’t mean he ate the shit that cost next-to-nothing. He liked not having food poisoning, thank you very much. No- this place wasn’t cheap at all. But Hidan liked to spend money. After all, what else was it there for?

Normally, Kakuzu would have given a slight wince, grumbled, and gone back to what he was doing, mostly to avoid getting into a fist fight with his roommate. The last thing he needed to do was have to pay the medical bills for the bastard, not to mention he could easily be sued. As much as he wanted to beat Hidan down sometimes, it just wasn’t an option. But today, he didn’t need fists. He didn’t need to get physical at all. All he had to do was shoot Hidan a glance, staring at him smugly, grinning just as much so as he looked at the other man rather expectantly. He knew it would only be a matter of time before Hidan bitched again. He swore it was like a second nature to the blond, maybe even an involuntary reflex. It certainly seemed that way most of the time. And just as one could avoid blinking for only so long, it had been inevitable that Hidan would say something, eventually, and probably sooner rather than later.

“I’m proud, you managed to get this far, but the rules are the rules. And I won’t take any bullshit-make it something good, hmm?”

Oh how he was going to enjoy this.

Hidan had, perhaps not amazingly to anyone who knew him, completely forgotten about that rule in that moment. He swore under his breath- several creative curses, some in other languages (that was all he knew of foreign languages and all he ever needed to know)- and clenched his fists into the folds of fabric, leaning forward as if this would lessen the pain of the verbal vomit he was about to spew up.

What to say, what to say... complementing Kakuzu was second on his most hated things to do list. Number one was going a day without being thoroughly clean- where Kakuzu was a health nut, Hidan was a clean freak... at least for his own body.

“K--” Fuck. He was never betting again. EVER. “Kakuzu--” Seriously. He grimaced. “Kakuzu is more intelligent than I’ll ever be.” A truth he only ever acknowledged to himself. He shuddered like it was an unpardonable sin for him to have admitted this out loud.

“Music to my ears.” If there was any sort of feeling beyond smugness, something even stronger, it was what Kakuzu was feeling right now as he basked in the lingering humiliation. As far as he knew, Hidan hadn’t meant a word of it, but he had sounded sincere, and that was the important part. He knew that was the hardest part, so it was all that much sweeter to hear it. It didn’t lessen it any that Kakuzu could positively sense that Hidan was about ready to commit ritual suicide. That was just a given.

“You’re dismissed then,” Kakuzu finally said, after he’d savored it as much as he could, giving a wave of his hand. All that was left was to wait for the next step. He’d hate every bite of the vile excuse for food Hidan had ordered, but the result would make up for it and then some. It was a simple matter of cost and benefit, which would cost Hidan a whole hell of a lot, and benefit Kakuzu even more.

Hidan stared at Kakuzu in disbelief, raising his brows as his dark-haired roommate waved him off. “Che!” He muttered, crossing one leg over the other and folding his arms. In that case he was staying wherever the Hell he wanted to. Like right on the armrest of this couch.

The blond turned his attention back to the TV, flicking through channels and snorting as the familiar scenes of Bambi passed his eyes on one station. He glanced back to the clock, remote dropping onto the seats of the couch and leaving the children’s animation on. Standing up, Hidan smoothed out the poofy skirt as best he could, walking to his bedroom to pick up his wallet for when the pizza arrived. He barely thought to realise that he’d have to answer the door dressed like this, and when he did the swear could be heard from his bedroom.

“FUCK!”

It had only been a matter of time before the curse graced Kakuzu’s ears, which only served to prolong his grin. He had been waiting for the dawning realization, but even that wouldn’t be the coup de grace. He was wishing more and more that he had invested in a video camera, and was realizing that the monetary loss would have been worth everything he’d gain, including that extra bit of blackmail, as if the photos he’d taken weren’t enough. And this…Hidan had done this to himself. He’d decided to order out all on his own, even though it really wasn’t all that difficult to mash a few pieces of bread and meat together.

“Is there a problem?” Kakuzu called in reply to the rather loud swearing, pretending as if he hadn’t a clue what the problem could be. “I hope you didn’t order more than you could pay for, because I’m not spotting you any cash…”

Hidan sighed and stalked back into the main room, dropping his wallet on a nearby table and falling back onto the couch in a growing all too familiar flurry of frills. “Not a thing, your majesty,” he drawled. Hell, even when Kakuzu wasn’t gloating, Hidan knew the cheap-assed bastard wouldn’t lend him jack shit. He looked back at the TV and tilted his head- Bambi’s mother was about to die. Well, this could be amusing, at least. He settled down properly--

-- and the doorbell rang. Swearing under his breath, the manservant (for the day) grabbed his wallet and headed to the door, thrusting change at the pizza boy and swearing to him that if the kid laughed, he’d turn the kids’ guts into another topping for the food.

Slamming the door closed in the poor, paled kid’s face; Hidan dropped the take out box on the coffee table and proceeded to tuck in.

“How can you even eat this on a regular basis?” Kakuzu sneered, looking at the revolting concoction, wondering who the hell had thought to put such contrasting ingredients together in the first place. Of course he knew the answer-Americans, who seemed to be able to eat just about anything, no matter how disgusting, and seemed to have no problem in destroying an otherwise delicious Italian dish, all for the sake of profit. Although profit wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, the pretend food in front of him was. But still, he managed to choke it down. It was going to make him ill and he knew they were out of anything to combat it, which was part of the entire plan. It was only a matter of waiting.

Shrugging, Hidan took a slice of the pizza, easily wolfing it down. “Seriously, dude, it’s not that bad...” he trailed off between mouthfuls, licking his fingers free of the small amount of tomato sauce that always got on them and smiled to himself- that kind of self-satisfied, smirking smile that one got during plans- even stupidly obvious plans like this.

Well, there was something to be said for plans and pizza. Better than ice-cream revenge, that’s for sure. Come to think of it... did they have any ice cream? Hidan perked up slightly, looking over at the kitchen curiously. Because yes, ladies and gentleman, Hidan could eat anything, and stay in good shape... well, mostly because he exercised too much and only partially because he was one of those lucky bastards who stayed thin no matter what crap they forced down their throats.

“It really is that bad,” Kakuzu replied, minus his usual level of annoyance as he tried not to get ill at just the smell. He had to wonder what had Hidan looking so interested all of the sudden, and somewhat hoped that the blond had finally processed how much this disgusted him. In fact, that was what he had been hoping for, as it would serve to emphasize the punchline. It wouldn’t take long before Kakuzu was lamenting in his spot on the couch, acting as if he might die. In fact, it was merely a stomach ache, and he might get ill if he ate any more, but he wasn’t above playing it up. Sometimes, he surprised himself that he hadn’t gone into acting, as he grumbled in anguish about how he’d never touch that shit now, and he was going to make sure Hidan was very sorry for ordering it in the first place-which he would, soon enough-but would wait until the other man seemed to be finished to make his next request. The more time he had to bemoan his over-exaggerated situation, the more power he could wield, when it couldn’t just be brushed off as a quickly passing thing.

A couple more slices went down Hidan’s throat- a good half of the pizza still left. “Ah Hell, we can leave this for later, right?” He asked, not completely oblivious to Kakuzu’s grumblings, but very good at ignoring it. He stood up, moving to the kitchen.

“Oi, Kakuzu, do we have any ice-cream?” He asked as an afterthought, leaning against the door lightly, hip jutting out under the thousand folds of red. His lips curled into a dramatically thinking pout. Both of them were equally suited to the drama queen role when they wanted to be- Hidan was just more renowned for it, with all the bitching and complaining.

Following Hidan to the kitchen, albeit a little delayed, Kakuzu leaned against a wall for support and stared his roommate down, half out of hatred, half out of deviousness. Indeed his stomach was disagreeing with the amount of grease and other sordid things he’d just consumed, but he was nowhere near the stomach-clenching that he was doing. And he also knew that they had long been out of most medications, the medicine cabinet containing only a bottle of rubbing alcohol, a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, assorted bandaids, and a bottle of migraine relievers. Perhaps some other assorted pill bottles, but they were definitely lacking any anti-indigestion medicine, none of that disgusting pink stuff, none of anything that would help. And he also happened to know that there was a pharmacy not too far down the street.

“We’re not having ice cream,” Kakuzu grumbled, even though that was one of the few things he could stomach if he wanted to. He usually didn’t want to, but in moderation, in social situations, it was bearable. At the moment, he had other things on his mind. “We’re going to the drug store.”

Hidan looked over to Kakuzu, stuffing the pizza box into the fridge with some difficultly. He was having a hard time understanding how his favourite pizza would affect anyone like that- but hey, there were many things Hidan didn’t understand (so long as he could still recite the pages of the Bible on command, it was fine.)

At least he wasn’t stupid enough to forget that he was in this damn dress this time. He shut the fridge door and leant against it, opening his mouth to start on another diatribe of bitching.

“You’re not that fucking bad- I’m sure you can walk the five minutes to that place. Seriously. Or I’m wearing trousers- have you seen the fucking weather? Step outside like this and I’ll be hacking up a lung for the next fortnight, and I don’t have the fucking time to be sick, Kakuzu. I have things to do next week and I can’t fucking be sick because of your sadistic transgendered fetishes. Bloody freak.” And Hidan meant it. Why the fuck else would he want his roommate in a miniskirted dress? Seriously?

“First off, I think I’ll have to count that as three separate instances of bitching.” Kakuzu only smirked a little more, holding up three fingers. The comments weren’t even phasing him today when he knew he’d get full retribution.

“Second off, if you hadn’t bitched about how ugly it was, I wouldn’t have made you wear it. At least you look halfway decent in it-most of the bitches who bought it couldn’t pull it off half as well.” It was sort of an off-handed comment, not one he thought about very much. It didn’t process until after he’d said it how it might come off. He was thinking of ‘looking good’ in terms of how the garment actually fit and pulled out Hidan’s features, and not so much that his roommate might actually have looked attractive in it, but it certainly came off something like that. Instead of trying to cover it up-which would mean acknowledging the mistake in the first place-he trudged off to his room, returning with a pair of platform Mary Janes and a scrunched up pair of thigh-high socks, thrusting them both in Hidan’s direction.

“Third off, don’t be such a big baby.” There would probably be more bitching to add to the score, but Hidan could be thankful that Kakuzu hadn’t thought to bring the heels with him. He’d looked at them when finding the right size, and figured that giving Hidan a sprained ankle wasn’t quite worth it.

Sighing, loudly, Hidan counted up some things that wouldn’t kill him too much. He’d done the smarter thing...

“Kakuzu has impeccable fashion taste.” His smile came off forced and pained, but he wasn’t lying there either. At least the shit Kakuzu picked matched. Hidan could say a little less for that one mall runway show he’d done years ago. “He’s an incredibly talented seamstress-” Hidan paused- was there a male equivalent to seamstress? “And-” He shuddered, the words already leaving a sour taste on his tongue- “you look nice and shit.” Happy?

Hidan grumbled incessantly once Kakuzu’s watchful eyes had left him, though his lips did curl into something vaguely pleased at that non-committal offhanded comment of Kakuzu. He did give a new meaning to ‘can wear anything’ (and to ego), he supposed.

His jaw dropped when Kakuzu held out the shoes. “Y’know. Dude. Seriously, I’m beginning to think you’ve got some fucked up kinks.” He took them, reluctantly, and pulled them on.

Fucking bastard better start sleeping with one eye open...

“Tailor, Hidan. Tailor.” If Kakuzu had sensed any maliciousness in the word’s use, he might have taxed the blond another compliment, but it seemed as if Hidan was merely too stupid to know the male equivalent, which didn’t surprise Kakuzu in the least. And as much as he would have liked to, he couldn’t punish him on the base of stupidity. He was cruel, but not entirely unreasonable. “And I most certainly do not have some ‘fucked up kinks’. For one, cross dressing is actually a rather common practice, especially among gay couples.” How the hell did he know this, and how could he state it so plainly, as if he was giving someone directions to the nearest shopping center. “And two, it just so happens to make excellent blackmail, don’t you think? Not to mention how easily you’re going along with it. Maybe you’re the one with some ‘fucked up kinks’, hmm? Now come on, let’s go.”

In fact, his stomach was starting to kill a little more, and he’d rather get this over with, but it was still nothing like he was making it out to be. Not to mention that the thought of Hidan walking out in public like that was going to be absolutely mind-boggling, and he wondered why the other hadn’t flat out refused.

“Che.” Tailor, seamstress- what was the difference? Women always bitched about not getting the same titles as men so they might as well be interchangeable to shut those bitches up. Hidan almost rolled his eyes at the explanation until it got to the bit about gay couples. He looked up from making sure the platforms were secure, hair falling into his face and face the picture of annoyance

“Kakuzu. I’m going to say this very simply-” he took a breath and stood up, satisfied with their security. “DO WE LOOK LIKE A FUCKING GAY COUPLE TO YOU?” Maybe the seamstress was, but Hidan couldn’t be gay. Fucking Hell, he just could not be.

He would refuse. If he didn’t think it completely pointless to do so. He would bitch, Kakuzu would make him say some complementary shit and probably think of something worse. And, like Kakuzu himself said, Hidan looked good in this shit.

Kakuzu merely gave Hidan a flat, disinterested look, as if none of those words had really affected him. He didn’t really put much value into what he was saying, and never really took much to the implications, but since when had he worded things so poorly? Bad move, he decided, but perhaps he was just being lazy, seeing how the day was shaping up to be. That, and having one of your male friends standing in front of you, with an extremely short dress on, and nothing underneath…it didn’t help too much that his words would be influenced in that direction. But he was completely confident in his own sexuality that he wasn’t bothered in the least. Or that’s what he told himself.

“I didn’t say we did, Hidan, I merely said that it wasn’t all that odd of a kink to have, if I had it in the first place,” he replied simply. “Now let’s go before I get even sicker.”

Considering having said male friend dress up in the short dress was Kakuzu’s own idea, perhaps Kakuzu should have thought this through a little better. Hidan was (enjoying this) going to pretend nothing was wrong and flaunt his body in this silly dress until twenty-four hours were up. So, let’s go.

“But you also said, ‘especially among gay couples,’” Hidan countered, quoting Kakuzu verbatim about before, hands on his hips. The blond rolled his eyes, hands not moving from his hips until he pushed the kitchen door open. “Fine, fine,” he muttered, holding the door open in a mock-gentlemanly way for Kakuzu, bowing low and trying not to be annoyed by the dramatics he had to put on and just holding in the gag that tortured him to be let out.

Kakuzu tried to shrug it off, but he had said that, and it had come out exactly the wrong way. He was too used to rambling off statistics and numbers, what with having considered going into accounting with his natural head for money. It was just how the statistics played out, and it meant little more than clarification to his point. He hadn't been trying to imply anything, except that they were, in fact, two men, and if he were interested in men, which his pseudo-girlfriend demonstrated was not true at all, that having such a fetish would not be the least bit odd. But how to explain that to Hidan in words small enough to understand? And how to explain that the man who was usually rather articulate and careful with his words had made a rather grave, and disturbing implication? (Of course, he would tell himself that he was just getting cocky because of the power rush all of the sudden, but he knew that wasn't really it.)

"You might want to try curtseying from now on, by the way," Kakuzu commented as he passed Hidan on the way out the door. "Especially if you plan on going...commando."

It was hard to pretend as if you were gravely ill when, for one, your stomach was practically eating itself from the inside out, and for two, you were trying very, very hard not to laugh and break down all at the same time. Oh, Kakuzu was good at multitasking, and he would manage, but it was hard to get the trudge down the stairs just right. Once on the street, he wasn't sure how he was going to contain his normally-composed self.

Regardless of how much it freaked Hidan out (on some level he knew it wasn’t as much as he would make it out to be) he was going to take the opportunity to rub such things into his roommate’s face as often as humanly possible. Though he wobbled sometimes in the platforms, his balance overall wasn’t too bad going down the stairs or in the building at all.

“How on Earth do you expect me to curtsey in these things?” He asked finally, just missing losing his balance on a bottle top that littered the floor of the stairs. (He’d complain, but he was pretty sure it was one of his.) The blond slunk behind Kakuzu as they reached the door, the plan of ‘have it and flaunt it skirt be damned’ taking a backseat to ‘holy fuck it is cold and this looks fucking stupid’.

But he did exit the building, after a moment of bitching quietly. People stared- of course they fucking did, he would have too- and Hidan turned his head to threaten a bunch of little shits who laughed, not watching where he was going...

And consequently tripping right over a crack in the pavement. He just about managed to grab onto the nearest thing (Kakuzu) as he fell.

Just mind your own business, Kakuzu told himself, slumping in his walk, as he normally wouldn’t. Pretend that you have no clue who the man walking next to you is. He only wanted to humiliate Hidan and not himself, although he was quick enough to fend off anyone stupid enough to ask questions. He couldn’t help but crack a smile as he heard the snickering from outside his field of vision, a smile which quickly turned to angry shock as a hand grabbed at him, a strong grip, and pulled him down. Caught off guard, he was unable to keep his balance, and began to topple towards the street, putting his hands out. His eyes squeezed shut out of reflex as his palms hit the pavement, scraping them up rather badly, his knees hitting the ground at about the same time. It took a few seconds to process that Hidan had tripped and reached out for the nearest thing-or person, as it turned out-but the first thing he could think of was whether his ¥7,000 pants would end up with a hole in them or not.

“Fuck it, Hidan, if these pants are ruined, I am going to fucking…strangle…you…”

His angered threats lost a considerable amount of steam as he forced his eyes open, noticing first precisely where he had landed, second the compromising position he was now inadvertently in, and third, the small yet rather interested crowd. And for everything he was, he merely froze, blinking in slight confusion. Him, of all people, who could get himself out of any argument, and pinch, was petrified there on his hands and knees, on the sidewalk.

Because Hidan was, well, Hidan, when he wound up on the floor it was still spectacular, whether he had been in this dress (which he was now pushing down with both hands) or not. He looked up at Kakuzu, more than a little annoyed and, once satisfied with himself being well and truly covered, propped himself up with his elbows as best he could without smacking his head against his so-called-friend’s and sighed heavily. He turned to the small crowd;

“WHAT. THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, BITCHES?” He demanded loudly to the (mostly female) crowd that gathered around. “HAVEN’T YOU EVER SEEN SOMEBODY FALL- FUCK! Get a life or something and move the fuck on!” He turned back to Kakuzu as the crowd began to disperse and tapped his fingers against the pavement. “Hey, genius. Try moving?” He asked- not nicely at all- glaring at Kakuzu intensely. Wasn’t this supposed to go the other way around? Hidan spluttered and got stuck while Kakuzu sorted it out? The fuck. The holy fucking fuck? The blond’s face shifted from annoyance to confusion as he tried to-- was that Kakuzu’s body heat? It was kind of ni- wait what?!-- discern this.

It took quite a bit-the literal butting of heads, Hidan’s screeching, and then some-before Kakuzu finally pushed himself back, sitting for a second, the world around him slightly spinning as he regained his senses. He managed to get to his feet, first inspecting his hands and finding them scraped and lightly bleeding, cursing at the fact, then his pants, which luckily were just a little dirty. He really would have strangled Hidan if there had been a hole in his pants. But his self-inspection was over too quickly, and he found it rather difficult to push the scene of a few seconds ago out of his mind. Particularly that he wasn’t completely and utterly disgusted, and rather only fairly miffed. And that was the most confusing part about it, wondering how he could keep calm as he gave the remaining crowd a stern glare and watched them finish dissipating.

“Watch where you’re walking from now on, Hidan,” Kakuzu commanded, clearing his throat, unsure of what else there really was to say. He made no movement to help the other up, trying to brush the dirt and gravel off himself without getting blood on his clothes. “And get up. Dust yourself off.”

Brushing it off as nothing was the only way he could avoid thinking about it, because thinking about it didn’t conjure nearly enough feelings of anger and awkwardness to be normal. He wasn’t nearly pissed enough, not nearly embarrassed enough, and so he was just going to pretend that it never happened. Pretend that he hadn’t thought, for a split second, that Hidan looked sort of good from that position. Because Kakuzu did not think of such things, and refused to consider them. He liked to think he had that much control over his thoughts and emotions.

Hidan groaned- sighing with relief (though- nah, he wasn’t faking it, seriously) when Kakuzu got up from off him. He sat up and used the wall to stand upright, checking the dress carefully with his own eyes, twisting this way and that until he was satisfied with there being no tears in it and proceeded to dust the dirt from it.

“That wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t decided to be an ass and make me wear this shit outside, seriously man,” he replied flippantly. Hidan paused for a moment before adding- “Shit, I’m dressed like a lady; you could have at least been a gentleman and helped me up.”

At least the pharmacy was close. This was the only fact Hidan could take comfort in. It was a short trip, then he could go home and laze around until the bastard wanted something and go to bed and Kakuzu would have forgotten all about this.

“Oh, and do you want to try walking in these shoes one fucking day? Would it have killed you to let me wear flats at least?” He asked as they neared the convenient little store.

For the rest of the trip, Kakuzu made absolutely certain to stay out of arms reach in any direction of Hidan. Logic was screaming that the same thing wasn’t bound to happen twice in one trip, and that even if it did, he would be much more ready to avoid falling into an awkward position. Still, with his entire sexual identity riding on the line-because word around here did tend to travel fast, and there was no doubt the entire school would be talking about it in a week or so with how many people had seen-he was more than ready to be a little cautious. Paranoia. Embarrassment. These were not things that Kakuzu was used to, and he was doing his best to work through them in a calm, logical fashion, but that was proving to be difficult. When he’d collected what he’d needed-the bottle of disgusting looking pink liquid, and a roll of bandages for his hands-he briskly made his way to the counter, where the girl at the register gave him a funny look. And normally he would have paid her no mind. He often got odd looks for his strikingly bright green eyes, so he was used to it by now, but as the girl’s eyes darted from him to the oddly-dressed man next to him, he shot the girl a nasty sneer, slamming the cash on the counter to snap her from whatever things she was thinking. That was enough to divert her eyes, and she kept them on the money or the register or her hands the entire rest of the transaction.

Just as soon as he had stormed out of the small store, he’d pulled the bottle from the bag, tearing the cap open-or rather trying to, what with the child-proof capping and all-and guzzled down what felt like approximately half the bottle. Wasteful, as a capful would have done just as nicely, but he wasn’t caring. He didn’t care…he didn’t care that he was wasting, and fuck, what the hell was going on, and why was he swearing so much, even if it was only inwardly? Things suddenly weren’t so amusing when he realized how oddly he was acting, how unlike him he was being.

Back at the apartment, he barely took enough time to kick off his shoes before he was storming off to the bathroom to bandage his hands, taking care of that quick enough before stomping off to the living room to claim the couch for his own, stretching his legs out, letting his arms fall over his eyes. At least he was in charge today to ward off any distractions while he tried to convince himself that his odd behaviour was just nerves.

Hidan was quite easily led around the shop by Kakuzu. So long as the smug bastard wasn’t talking and the few people who were in the store paid him no heed or turned their heads, he was fine. Just dandy. Even with his wandering mind that kept going back to-- no. Just concentrate on flaunting it, Hidan reminded himself as he saw the cute cashier girl who kept checking him out, flashing her a dash--

Fucking Kakuzu. Hidan growled quietly at the sudden outburst from Kakuzu, hands curling into fists and shooting his roommate a glare. Like it wasn’t bad enough he was being dragged around looking like a freak, the one girl who didn’t start giggling hopelessly (who was actually cute) was suddenly off limits? And Kakuzu could go fucking around with that little slut from his class?

Hypocritical. Fucking. Bastard.

Hidan stalked out behind Kakuzu, no happier than the other man about recent events and barely paying him any heed as they returned to the apartment building. He kicked off the Mary Janes as quickly as possible when they got into the apartment and shutting the door with a loud kick. Striding past the couch, he spared a glance to Kakuzu before storming into his room and slamming the door shut, collapsing on his bed and not caring how the dress landed. He didn’t fucking care about jack- fucking- shit. He was sick of today already- sick of the dress, sick of Kakuzu, sick of this shitty apartment and more than anything, sick of whatever the fuck went on when they were outside. And sick of his fucking head as it kept replaying the fucking scene to him constantly.

FUCK.

Kakuzu was unaware of how long he lay there, having paid no attention to the clock when he’d come in, and barely giving it a glance when he finally pulled his arms from over his head. Perhaps an hour, maybe two, which brought him to mid-afternoon, having spent the entire time trying not to think, trying not to ponder why in the world he had locked up there on the pavement, and why he hadn’t tried to strangle Hidan right there and then. Because people were watching? No, that wasn’t likely to stop him. Because…no, there was no chance in all world that he harbored some sort of fondness for the man, in any sense, platonic or otherwise. (And not thinking of the ‘otherwise’ was even more difficult.) He absolutely despised the blond, although there was the undeniable fact that no matter how much he hated Hidan, he never kicked his ass out. Why hadn’t he kicked him out yet anyway?

By that point, he was getting hungry, since his lunch had been anything but productive, but it was far too early for dinner. Plus, what were they going to do? He wasn’t eating leftovers, that was for sure, and he wasn’t in any mood to be cooking. It looked like they would be eating out, and given Kakuzu’s mood, some place nice, because that was simply what he did. Some people ate a lot when they were in a bad mood, some people didn’t eat at all, and others, like him, spoiled themselves rotten then always managed to feel bad afterwards. The only difference was that Kakuzu could afford to splurge on the most expensive restaurant around. Doing a few mental calculations, mostly regarding time and money, he nodded to himself, having come to his decision.

“Hidan, get out here, now!” he called from his position, still on the couch. He had no clue what the man had done to occupy his own time, and was curious to see whether he’d started to rebel and removed the dress. Unfortunately, Kakuzu wasn’t even sure he had it in him to dole out the punishment if he had.

(part 2)
(part 3)