Comments | only_thing_left: I don't need a better thing (I'd settle for less)

prodigal_slayer in only_thing_left

I don't need a better thing (I'd settle for less)

Aug 17, 2005 02:08

By the time I stepped off the letters in the Hollywood hills I was lost. Maybe I'd always been kinda lost but this time it felt way different. Spent my entire life bein' alone but this time I'd come back to a completely different world full of strangers. You spend a decade or so in a swirl of nothing but one other person you kinda get used to havin ( Read more... )

Comments 38

mr_angel August 17 2005, 17:42:49 UTC

He was gone. Doyle was gone and he wasn't coming back. No one ever came back, not really. They'd come and stare at me, pretend they cared, and then ask why I wasn't there when they needed me most. Why couldn't I even save them when I called myself a champion. I wasn't a champion. I was just a vampire who got himself a soul to be reminded of all the sins he committed ( ... )

prodigal_slayer August 18 2005, 18:19:47 UTC

I frowned at him as suddenly he declared that I wasn't here or real. Couldn't lie, it wasn't exactly the homecoming I'd been hopin' for-- then again I'd never expected to come home at all. If you could even call this place home. Nothin' but bad memories if you asked me. Not that anyone was akin' me, mostly I was just bein' told that I wasn't real which kinda pissed me off a little bit after everything I'd been through the last few days. Not real? I was more real than he was if you counted a beating heart ( ... )

mr_angel August 19 2005, 02:47:57 UTC

Jerking away from her, I pressed myself harder into the brick wall behind me. I wasn't going to fall for their tricks again. Just tricks. I'd fallen for the illusion that one of them had come back once already tonight and I wouldn't let myself do it again. She wasn't real. Couldn't be real. Faith was dead. She was dead and I wasn't able to do anything to stop it from happening.

Just like I wasn't able to stop any of their deaths. Some I even let die. Fred, Wesley, Gunn, hell even Doyle. I let that thing take over Fred's body when I knew a way to keep it from happening. Wesley and Gunn.. why did I think they'd survive that fight? Even if they went into it willingly, that didn't mean that as their so-called leader I had to lead them into it. Why did I come out of that battle alive and not either one of them? I didn't deserve to be here, they did.

As for Doyle, I was supposed to be the one to die that day. If he hadn't.. if I'd only jumped sooner.. he'd still be here. His death wasn't meaningless to me, but it was ( ... )

prodigal_slayer August 19 2005, 08:59:12 UTC

Just as I was sure he'd bought it, he looked into my eyes and I could see that faint flicker of recognition there. As quickly as it'd come it passed and he shoved me off away from him before standin' up. Tensing my muscles I just watched him for a minute pace back and forth. He was crazy. Whatever had happened to him while I'd been dead? It'd made him totally nuts. I gotta say this was still preferable to the psycho crazy that he got when he got his happy on but right now? This was a totally different animal, and I didn't know what to expect ( ... )

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mr_angel September 4 2005, 18:01:20 UTC

I did my best to listen to her, I really did. I tried to believe what she was saying, but there was a whisper in my head telling me otherwise. She was telling me it wasn't my fault, that the reason they'd all died hadn't been because of me or had been my fault. Closing my eyes for a moment, I sighed. I fought hard to just concentrate on what Faith had said and fighting to block out the voice that seemed so easy to believe ( ... )

prodigal_slayer September 4 2005, 20:15:44 UTC

It was almost impossible to get to the nasty old motel he was shackin' up in. He'd start to walk towards it, then he'd stop and let me start leadin' the way like I had any clue at all where I was goin'. Sure, I kind've knew my way around L.A. but it'd been awhile and there was no way for me to know where he'd been shackin' up. Soon enough we were both standin' in front of the beat up old motel and I made a face. Please. Just let it have running water and I'd be happy. For real ( ... )

mr_angel September 5 2005, 05:31:14 UTC

The room I led her to was exactly how I'd left it. A few things strewn around the room, but not much. I hadn't collected that many things over the last few years anyway. The place had been abandoned for several years now and anything of any value was either taken when the place closed or stolen not long after ( ... )

prodigal_slayer September 5 2005, 06:51:47 UTC

Soon as I heard the water start runnin' in the bathroom I breathed a sigh of relief. A shower. That was a good first step, right? Hell if I knew. A good first step for me was turnin' myself over to the cops but I didn't think Soul Boy was gonna get much use outta that tactic, ya know? Whatever. First step was the clothes, next was the digs and after that....well, I'd figure that out eventually, right ( ... )

Thread 14

mr_angel October 12 2005, 04:58:33 UTC

The way she was looking at me and the way she spoke at first only strengthened the feeling of running back to my hole in the wall, but there was something about my being here and being here with her that kept me from leaving. Someone finally expected me to be something I'd been trying so hard not to be. The one I'd been running away from because I was certain I'd failed ( ... )

prodigal_slayer October 16 2005, 07:23:00 UTC

Couldn't lie and say I wasn't relieved when he let the stake clatter loudly to the floor. Last thing I wanted was for him to be dead but bein' dead was better than what he was now. Seein' him this way was so fucking hard. Did he have any idea? No. He hadn't really bothered to find out what happened, why I was back. How he wasn't the only one who was so fucking lost, but he shouldn't be. He didn't need time to adjust. He'd been here the whole damn time and he hadn't been doin' shit with it. Didn't he know what it felt like to see this? It felt like I had no reason anymore and I needed him right now ( ... )

_faceofanangel_ October 19 2005, 02:58:24 UTC

I could do what? Be him again? It sounded like some nice fairytale, but in reality I wasn't so sure. She'd changed back during the time she'd shown up in LA, but had she spent over a decade playing the same game back then? Wallowing in nothing but her own guilt for that long? I kicked myself mentally for even comparing the two situations, but I couldn't help it. Did she really remember who that person was she knew all those years ago? Maybe so. After all, Faith knew me-..him better than most. Not just because she was able to witness the darker side of me on just some mind trip, but because she'd lived it herself ( ... )

prodigal_slayer October 21 2005, 04:16:50 UTC

"What do you think I'm doin'?" I took another step forward, towards him and wasn't surprised when he backed away a little bit more. I waited a second to see if there was some flicker, some spark of the old him in there somewhere but I didn't see anything except him shootin' this surprised and hurt look at me. Oh c'mon, he'd kicked my ass a few good times he shouldn't be scared of me ( ... )

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