I don't need a better thing (I'd settle for less)

[prodigal_slayer]

By the time I stepped off the letters in the Hollywood hills I was lost. Maybe I'd always been kinda lost but this time it felt way different. Spent my entire life bein' alone but this time I'd come back to a completely different world full of strangers. You spend a decade or so in a swirl of nothing but one other person you kinda get used to havin

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[prodigal_slayer]

Soon as I heard the water start runnin' in the bathroom I breathed a sigh of relief. A shower. That was a good first step, right? Hell if I knew. A good first step for me was turnin' myself over to the cops but I didn't think Soul Boy was gonna get much use outta that tactic, ya know? Whatever. First step was the clothes, next was the digs and after that....well, I'd figure that out eventually, right?

Sneakin' into the bathroom I tried to stay wicked quiet as I picked up his nasty old clothes off the bathroom floor. No way in fucking hell was I lettin' him put those back on. I couldn't even barely stand to pick 'em up. Holdin' 'em far away at an arm's length I walked back into the other room and quickly out the door. Tossin' 'em in the dumpster nearby I shook my head and brushed off my hands. Hopefully Angel's slayer radar wouldn't start tickin' the minute I left. Only gonna be gone for a bit. Sure he'd manage just fine on his own.

Besides, he didn't have any clothes. Where the hell was he gonna go? I almost snickered at that, wonderin' if he was gonna be pissed. Hell, I hoped he was gonna be pissed. At least it'd be something. I barely even recognized that vamp anymore. He changed for real and hopefully not for good.

We'd passed a run down outlet mall on the way to the motel and it was way after hours so I figured it'd be an easy snatch and grab even if they did have alarms. Fuck me. I was gonna have to invade the Gap. How sad was that? Whatever. At least they were dry warm clothes that would hopefully fit.

It was a pretty easy job. They had an alarm but I was in and out of there so quick I knew the cops wouldn't be able to catch up with me. Stole a ton of clothes and a handful of bills out of the cash register before the blue lights even started to crest the hill. Gotta love slayer speed.

Next stop was the butcher shop. Now that I had bank I could buy Soul Boy some of that fancy pig blood. Oh yeah, we were eatin' fancy tonight. McDonald's for me and pig's blood for Angel. None of that white trash bar leftovers or rat's blood for us. We were gonna live it up.

When I opened up the door to the motel room there was a flurry of activity and suddenly the moldy bedspread was yanked off the bed and wrapped around Angel's waist faster than I could blink. Okay....

Settin' down the paper bag full of food (his and mine) and the plastic bags overfilling with clothes I looked back at Angel who looked wicked uncomfortable.

"What? You think I never saw anything like that before?" I asked him innocently.

[mr_angel]

I wasn't sure how long I stood there just letting the water hit me. When I first entered the shower I saw that Faith had turned the water liberally over to the warm side. For the length of time I let the water beat down on my chest I didn't feel the warmth. It was almost like ice, but then again I barely felt that either. Could I feel much of anything anymore? I had tonight when I'd seen Faith in that alley, but would that fade away too?

The only thing I'd felt over the past years was nothing. I felt it acutely, but it was still nothing. There was a numbness, yes, but it was more than that. It wasn't as if there was something physically beating me back. No, I'd prefer that I think. The nothing was much more painful. There was a time that I was able to live with myself and what I'd done. When the nothing took over I'd forgotten who that someone was. I still had to a point.

After finally opening my eyes, I searched around for some sort of something to wash myself off with that might be laying around. It wasn't much, but in the corner of the shower on the floor I saw a leftover piece of soap. It was about one-forth of its original size, but at least it was something. Faith would be proud, huh?

Rinsing off and simply wetting my hair, I stepped out of the shower to find there wasn't a towel to use. Frowning, I stared at the spot on the floor where my clothes had been. I stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do. There was nothing else to use. Then I paused and listened. More nothing. Had Faith.. had she left? I hadn't fallen for.. no. I knew I hadn't, couldn't have.

Slowly I reached for the door handle and pulled open the door. "F-Faith?" I asked though already knowing she wasn't anywhere to be found. Fully opening the door, I hesitantly stepped out of the doorway. I felt exposed, hell I was exposed. Did it matter? Faith was gone.. had she left for good? She wouldn't have done that would she? She'd said she wanted to help. Maybe she decided I couldn't be helped anymore.

Just then I heard footsteps growing louder and coming towards the room. I froze and frantically searched the room for something to hide behind or use to cover myself up. The door began to open and I quickly grabbed the closet thing in sight which happened to be the bedspread and wrapped it around my waist. Faith entered the room again and I stared blankly at the overflowing bags of clothes she sat down.

Though that wasn't what I noticed most. The smell of blood filled the room the moment she walked inside not to mention my senses. Startled by her voice, I looked up at Faith. "I-..my things were-.. Where did you go?"

[prodigal_slayer]

Was he ever gonna stop talkin' in a stutter? I mean, not that I had anything against stutterers it was just I was kinda used to the lurky wanna be suave Angel who really? Pretty rarely stuttered and looked around like a scared little girl. Was he terrified when I left? Suddenly I felt wicked bad because I thought he'd get that I was only leavin' for a few minutes. Just when I tried to forget how different he was when I found him from memories that were at least a decade old he reminded me.

"Dumped your clothes, they were seriously nasty. No way in hell you were puttin' that shit back on. And these?" I glanced down at the baggy sweats I still had on from that car I'd stolen. "Not exactly my style. So I went and got you some clothes. Hope they fit cause I kinda had to do a smash and grab." Lookin' inside one of the bags that was only filled with men's clothes I tossed 'em to Angel. Good to see that some of his instincts were in tact cause he caught the bag easily and started to paw through it.

Turnin' back to the table I pulled some of the containers out of the paper bag I'd brought with me. "Stopped at the butcher's too. Because eatin' rats? Really about time you kicked that phase in the ass. So I got you whatever they had, pig's blood or something. I dunno. Figure it's gotta taste like gourmet after what you been eatin'." I cringed at that. Blood and gourmet. It just sounded all kinds of wicked gross.

Goin' through the other bag I finally pulled out a pair of low rise faded jeans and a tank, a small half smile twitchin' up the corner of my mouth. I was gonna feel so much better after I put these on, I just knew it.

Without even really thinkin' about it I just kicked off my own clothes and started pullin' on the other one's. First off, I ain't shy. Second off, I spent an eternity bein' trapped with Wes. And before that? Prison. Privacy didn't really exist for me.

Glancing up after I'd changed I saw Angel was still just staring at the bag of clothes in his hand.

"Ummm...unless you wanna hang out in town dressed in a bedspread? You should probably get dressed and eat something."

That wasn't a bad idea actually. I was kinda starved and I'd forgotten how it felt to be hungry. Dressed up in the new clothes and I still didn't feel any better. I missed Wes.

[mr_angel]

I was staring at all the bags she'd brought in not to mention the smell of the blood I hadn't seen but knew was there. The next thing I knew I saw one of the bags of clothing coming towards me. At the last minute I held open my arms and caught the bag only to quickly grab at the bedspread that was falling. Holding it in place, I looked inside the bag of clothes and started to ask her where she'd gotten it all, but stopped when I realized the answer was obvious. Smash and grab?

At the mention of the blood, my eyes turned to her again. My senses were heightened at everything that had gone on tonight and now there was blood in the room. The last time I'd had any blood besides well, rat's blood was.. I honestly couldn't remember.

Faith started to change and I watched her for a while, but quickly turned my eyes to the clothes in my arm. Clearing my throat at her voice, I sat the things down on the bed and nodded a bit. I still held onto the bedspread that was wrapped around me as I went through a few of the things in the bag.

Picking out a dark pair of pants and a black shirt to go with them, I laid them on the bed and tried to figure out the best way to get this done. I could just do as Faith did and simply change, but for some reason I felt too self conscious. Picking up the pair of pants, I quickly slipped them on underneath the bedspread as best I could though it wasn't working out extremely well. Soon after, I had the shirt pulled over my head.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets and took a few steps towards her. My eyes went to the containers of blood sitting on the table then to her again. "I-.. thanks," I said quietly, but not quite as much as earlier. "Did um, did you get anything?" I asked as she handed me a jar of blood.

Suddenly, I felt awkward with the blood in my hand, but knew that I shouldn't. This wasn't the first time Faith had ever seen me drink blood and from the situation we were both in I knew it wouldn't be the last. Even still, it had taken a while before I'd even gotten comfortable drinking in front of Cordelia and Wes. The thought of my two best friends who'd been gone over ten years now brought back a hint of pain to my chest.

After a moment or so, I opened the jar of blood and sat the lid down on the table. Soon enough, I'd lifted the blood to my lips and hungrily drink from the jar. It had been so long since I'd had any decent amount of blood to speak of that this almost tasted like human blood. Almost.

[prodigal_slayer]

I tried not to pay too much attention to Angel who seemed wicked sheepish about everything from gettin' changed in front of me to drinkin' blood in front of me. What was that noise all about? Not like he had anything I hadn't already seen and it wasn't like I didn't have a front row seat for what he was or what he lived on that one time he drank from me. Course, that wasn't really him, it was his badass evil twin but close enough. Still him. I knew. Knew exactly what he was and it was kinda tickin' me off that he suddenly got all shy in front of me.

Angel was drinkin' up that pig's blood which was good. Cause I was left wonderin' if maybe the reason why he was so crazy was cause he'd been drinkin' from rats for way too long.

Taking a deep breath I sat down at the small table already feelin' a little better now that I was in my regular clothes. Opening the bag of McDonald's I started shovin' fries into my mouth as Angel sat on the bed and tried his best not to look at me as he hungrily gulped down all the blood in the little container. There was more where that came from too, but I wasn't sure that this place even had a fridge. We were gonna have to find somewhere better to stay than this dump. But I guessed that could wait.

At least Angel bein' crazy gave me something to focus on other than being wicked sad about Wesley. Confused cause I was shoved back into this world and I wasn't even really sure why. To kill something, but I didn't know what. And I didn't really even care. It seemed pointless to be back if Wes was gonna be trapped up in Limbo without me. Maybe I should've offered to feed myself to Angel. Then he could have some warm human blood and I could go back to my boring little post in the sky or wherever the hell Limbo actually was.

Instead I shoved more fries into my mouth.

[_faceofanangel_]

I sat down on the edge of the bed, still holding the blood in my hand. For some reason even though I knew Faith was no doubt alright with seeing me drink, I still felt nervous. Not that I'd actually tell her that. So instead I lifted the blood to my lips again, drinking hungrily. It wasn't warm, but I didn't care. This was more blood than I had at one sitting in a long time.

Not long after I sat down on the bed I'd finished off the blood and was again almost unsure what to do with myself. I lifted my eyes to look at Faith and watched as she ate the food she'd gotten for herself. I licked my lips a bit and looked down at the now empty container of blood in my hands. Clearing my throat slightly, I raised my eyes to her again. "I-uh, thank you," I said again.

Initially, I'd meant for it to just have been a thank you for the blood and clothes but as I thought about the words, they went much deeper. The fact that I was sitting here with her with fresh clothes and with a fuller stomach that I've had in months was all thanks to Faith. If not for her, I'd still be back in that alley pacing back and forth or trying to talking to myself. It occured to me then that the noises that I'd grown accustomed to for so long were much quieter than they'd ever been. I knew they weren't gone. Had they really ever been gone? But, having mental fights inside of my head had ceased for the time being.

There was also the way she'd forced me to see her, to really see her. I often wondered over the past few years that if someone from my past were to see me if they'd turn up their nose in disgust of their former 'champion' and pass on by. But she didn't. For the first time in over a decade I actually felt something again. Something real.

Holding up the container of blood, I nodded at it indicating that I was grateful for her having gone out and gotten it all. I leaned forward and sat the jar down on the table and sighed a little when I settled back on the bed. There were so many questions I wanted to ask her. Where had she been all this time? How did she get back? But most importantly, why was she back and why now?

[prodigal_slayer]

"Don't mention it." I replied moodily, finally finishin' up my fries and gatherin' up the garbage in the paper bag. We were gonna have to find some place else to stay and quick. This place was just wicked depressing. Least it had running water and the not so disgusting smell radiating from Angel was proof of that. He needed a shower in the worst way and this place was fine for that but we were gonna have to go somewhere else. Not that I knew where. Or what I was supposed to do now. I felt kinda...helpless. Because I was sent back to kill...something, but the powers never said what. Wesley was gone. Angel was kinda crazy. Just me against the world. The way it had been back in the day. 'Cept I'd learned a few things since then. Or ya know, a lot of things.

Losin' Wes was kinda losin' an arm, or a leg. I'd gotten so used to him for the last ten years and Angel was so quiet. Wes could get all broody sometimes too but usually the two of us found ways around it. Like swapping snarky barbs back and forth for a couple hours. That never got boring and neither of us were in short supply of insults to hurl at the other one. It was comforting in it's own fucking strange way, ya know?

"Feel better?" I asked him in the offhand kind've way that clearly stated that I didn't really give a shit. Except I did, it was just hard when I was wrapped up in my own thoughts. Fuck. I just needed Angel to be Angel. You know, the way he used to be before he gave up on the whole world and hid himself away in the closest dark alley to munch on rats like little scurrying happy meals. Seriously nasty. Thought he was over that phase for real, but I guess I was wrong.

After a few minutes I realized that I was bein' a total fucking whirlwind. Just flyin' around the room like a hurricane pickin' up garbage and tossin' it into that bed. Aimlessly pickin' up the comforter and throwin' it back on the bed. It wasn't until I suddenly felt the heat of his gaze on my back that I realized what the hell I was doin'. At least it was something. I'd spent so long with a whole lot of nothing and now I just....now I just felt kinda lost.

"What?!" I demanded angrily watchin' him flinch back like he expected me to lash out at him. "Stop doing that!" What the fuck? Since when was Angel scared of me? He used to be the only one who wasn't and now he was just...now I was just gettin' wicked pissed off cause he was bein'...not the way I wanted him to be right now. The way I needed him to be. "What's wrong with you?! This isn't you! You fucking gave up!"

[mr_angel]

I sat there on the bed for a few minutes staring at my hands. What was I supposed to do with myself? For the past however long I'd made myself believe that I wasn't worth anything or anyone's attempt at trying to get me back in the world. What exactly was I good for anymore? Faith had gotten me out of that alley and for now, sure, I was grateful. But what was next? Did she just expect me to go back to the way things were before she.. I didn't know who I was supposed to be.

After Faith had finished eating her food, I watched her curiously as she started picking up a few things around the room. At first I though she was just cleaning up a little, but then she started simply throwing whatever she could find up on the bed. Standing just as she threw the comforter on the bed, I stared at her. The minute she looked back at me I wished that I could make it so I hadn't been staring at her just then, but I couldn't.

Flinching automatically at her words, I shrinked back a step towards the wall behind me. She was starting to yell, and all I could do was stare at her and blink my eyes towards the door. The feeling to run back to my hole of solitude and away from the situation that was forcing me to be different was overwhelming. I knew I couldn't leave, but the way she was looking at me in such.. disappointment was almost too much. What did she mean this wasn't me? She expected me to be the same as I'd been the last time she saw me, but I wasn't. I wasn't the same demon I was all those years ago and a part of me wondered if I ever would be. Though I think I knew. I wouldn't, couldn't be the same as I had been before because I barely knew who he'd been.

I knew I'd given up, but the words weren't any easier to hear knowing it. Who wouldn't have? I'd lost everything I ever cared anything about. Faith herself had been listed in that group before she showed up at the other end of that alley tonight. Which was another something I didn't understand. The how and more importantly why she was back and now of all times. Everyone I'd ever cared about was gone and the one person who wasn't? Well, he didn't need me anymore. Hell, he really never needed me did he? Connor would've probably been so much better off if I'd been the one to stake myself that night along with Darla.

"I'm sorry," I told her. "I-.. I'm just not-," Him. I'm not him anymore. Am I? "Who do you want me to be?"

[prodigal_slayer]

"Shut up!" I instantly snapped at him when he started to apologize. Fuck! I was dead. Did he get that? This was what I had to come back to. Why did the fucking powers even bother to send me back? To see this? To deal with this shit? All that taking and wondering and this was the farthest thing from what Wes and I suspected Angel was up to. Now I was just wicked disappointed and frustrated because I was back and this was it. This was what had become of my hero. We all died and he did too.

I instantly felt bad for snappin' at him like that when he got this wounded little puppy expression over his face. What the fuck? I hadn't meant to hurt his feelings I just...I didn't come back for this. I couldn't come back to this. This was just...this was too hard. Because if Angel gave up then it was like all that fighting was for nothing. All that pain. Nothing.

"I want you to be Angel! Who you were when I left! I didn't wanna come back to fucking bizarro world to catch you munchin' on rats and actin' like the world doesn't exist anymore!"

Without thinkin' about it I just lashed out, my foot hitting the paper bag I'd left on the floor. The bag and it's contents went spraying across the opposite wall. Pig's blood etching a strange pattern into the drab blue paint. Great. Now I was gonna have to go to the butcher's for him again. Whatever! I was pissed off and I needed an outlet. So I took one. It'd been a long time since I'd been able to just be destructive.

He took a step towards me and I glanced up at him sharply, enough to halt him in his tracks. Wondered if it was the look in my eyes that froze him or just part of his new wuss lifestyle.

[mr_angel]

She wanted me to be someone I didn't know anymore? How was I supposed to tell her that? That her hero from the past didn't exist now. Whether she liked it or not that's how it was. Why didn't she see that?

The next thing I knew bags and blood were scattered and the blood on the wall across the room. I drew back at the sound of the crash then slowly looked to her again, inching forward. My steps came to a halt when she shot a loot to me again. There was something in her eyes when she looked at me that way that I couldn't place.

"I'm-" The spark in her eye again caused me to stop. It was almost as if she was daring me to say that I was sorry again. "The Angel you knew is someone I haven't seen in a long time," I finally told her. "After-.. I don't even know who he is anymore."

I wondered if she'd come at me again. Actually speaking the words sounded worse than they had when I'd thought them over and over for the past few years. Why did my standing here in front of Faith make me almost want to be something else besides a failure again?

"You died," I said, looking at her directly. "You, everyone. Doyle, Darla, Cordelia, Fred, Gunn, Wesley.. Buffy. I don't deserve to have any sort of life anymore. I couldn't-.. How am I supposed to be someone who lets everyone he cares about turn to dust in their graves?"

[prodigal_slayer]

I just glared at him when he announced that I died like it was some kind of accusation. Well damn. Excuse me for bein' mortal. If he wanted people to last forever he should've just sired us all and we could be an orgy of soulless fucking freaks. Wouldn't that be swell?

"We're human, Angel! We have a tendency to die! We're not built to last forever. What the hell did you think was gonna happen? That's part of bein' you. You gotta live with outlasting all the rest of us. It's just something you have to deal with! But you know what? You're fucking right. This?! This is what happened to you? You're a fucking waste. You bet your ass you don't deserve any sort of life if all you're gonna do is fucking waste it. You think this is what B woulda wanted for you? She would've wanted you to give up? Whole world of monsters to fight, whole world of people who need savin' and this is what you do, you fucking hide. Well, ya know what?"

Turnin' away from him suddenly my hand gripped around the wooden post on the bed frame and I yanked it free with one loud splintering sound. Good old fashioned makeshift stake. For a minute I didn't wanna part with it. It'd been so long and it just felt right in my hand. Instead I thrust it towards Angel, for a second he probably thought I was gonna stake him but instead I just shoved it in his hands and crossed my arms defensively.

"Go ahead. You don't wanna live anymore. You just wanna give up everything. DO IT! GIVE UP! Give up on it all! Give up...on me...."

I wasn't sure what I'd do if he actually listened to himself and went ahead and did it. I guess I was just hopin' on too much, bankin' on the fact that he wouldn't turn me away now. The old Angel wouldn't, but I wasn't sure about the new and not so improved version.