i really loved breaking your heart

[mirac0li]

WHO: Gamzee Makara & Karkat Vantas
WHERE: Their shitty one bedroom apartment. 
WHAT: motherfucking SOBRIETY.

Comments

[excoriating]

[ Karkat does hear it, and he fucking knows before Gamzee even got home what would happen. Because he knows that he's been sobering up, that the last almost-two-weeks have been pretty much fucking hell. He's gotten the fucking texts from his bandmates, received all the warnings and heads up that they could have possibly provided him with, because they know. They know just the way Karkat does

[excoriating]

[ There's a quiet sigh and Karkat squirms a little in his grip, reaches over behind them to the table beside the bed and flicks his music player on. It's some soft bullshit music, playlist that he keeps to try and stop the insanity when Gamzee goes sober. Shit that's easy to recognize so Gamzee can focus on it instead of whatever is going on in his head.

And through it all, Karkat just curls against him, runs his fingers along his arm and chest, and mostly just tries to keep it together. It's fucking worrying and terrifying, because he realizes at any moment Gamzee could go off the deep end and melt down. That his anger could flare to life.

But whatever, right. He can stay there; doesn't he always? But sometimes he worries, you know. Worries that it'll be Gamzee who doesn't come back. For whatever reason.

Because as much as Gamzee is a dick when he's sober, Karkat knows that he's an asshole all the time, and how easy is that to live with? So he curls closer, mumbles against Gamzee's chest, so fucking quiet

[mirac0li]

[A sudden wave of misery seeps into Gamzee's blood and reverse it back to his brain and it feels like he's drowning with an anvil on his chest. Rage becomes panic and Gamzee doesn't dwell on leaving, but he dwells on life without Karkat. He thinks about sleeping alone and waking up early to an empty place beside him. He thinks about being alone at nights; coming from shows to silence. He thinks about feeling like this and not having Karkat there to soothe him down or rip a new one. He honest to god thinks he's having a panic attack and curls around Karkat more and squeezes him tight

[excoriating]

[ But Gamzee won't really have a chance for that break in sobriety, because rather suddenly, Karkat is up on him, leaning in and kissing him a little too hard, a little too desperate. But he's aching and needy and he fucking hates how weak and dependent he feels on him.

But-

But it's okay, right? Because it's Gamzee and not some random fuckface that he knows. It's his best friend, for better or worse. Except that maybe that's what makes it so fucking hard. That if Gamzee bails, if he loses him, then who the fuck else would he have left? It's even harder, when Gamzee's sober, to believe that he'd stick around. He knows what Gamzee thinks, knows how important social classes can be to him.

Except that right now it's kind of irrelevant because it's all about how Karkat's pressed against him, kissing him as hard as he can, gripping at his shirt and making a really fucking pathetic noise against his mouth. ]

[mirac0li]

[That catches him by surprise; Gamzee starts and his eyes widen in surprise, hands awkwardly gripping at Karkat's hips. For a moment, Gamzee doesn't even think about social classes or what they mean. For a moment, he is just surprised and then kind of happy, and then he kisses Karkat back a little weakly-

And then the shock wears off and Gamzee thinks who the fuck does he think he is? He kisses back harder; keeps it deceptively like he is not flipping the fuck out in his mind and pushes Karkat onto his back and crawls on top of him. Kisses him hard again and this time, there's bite and it might feel just as needy as Karkat's, but the truth is Gamzee wants Karkat so fucking much sometimes; high, sober - whatever the fuck he is, there's always want in his chest

[excoriating]

[ It's the Vantas that really catches him and Karkat freezes under his hands, barely kisses back. Because he fucking hates this so much, hates how easy it is for Gamzee to get to him. It's how close they are, the risks of having a best friend, regardless of circumstances.

Because it means that they're the ones who can hurt you the most because they know you the best.

So as much as he missed him, as much as he aches for him, Karkat hates the whole situation. Hates how deep he's in this with him. How he knows he's in for the long haul, because now? This is it. Breaking points are null and void, but there are still moments like these. Moments where Karkat wants to just shove him off and walks away for a few minutes.

Because out of everyone in the fucking world, he can't handle feeling like shit with Gamzee. It weighs down his chest and makes that ache of hate for himself hurt even more. So he pulls back from the kiss, pushes Gamzee away a bit. ]

Go shower, you smell like shitty liquor and the bus.

[mirac0li]

[He doesn't want to get up or shower. He doesn't give a flying fuck about how he smells, doesn't give a fuck about anything. He does care that Karkat pushes him away, like he can't stand to be near him and he think, well aren't you such a hypocritical little fucker? Because he gets that Karkat is scared of him (and he won't lie and say that it doesn't thrill him), he gets it.

He grunts and doesn't move. Stays where he is defiantly, face going blank and then he leans down and very gently and very tenderly, places a kiss against Karkat's cheek. Gamzee knows how to play this game - knows he needs to stop saying what's on his mind otherwise he'll get kicked out again and Gamzee doesn't want to deal with Vriska and her fucking smart ass remarks. ]

Later, motherfucker. Making up for lost time first, you know? Missed my best motherfucking friend a whole fucking lot.

[excoriating]

Fucking don't.

[ And this is the part he hates most of all; the mindgames. The one piece of Gamzee that he can not completely handle. The part that knows just how to pull him out, get him right where he wants him, just so he can fuck with him. And after not seeing Gamzee for so long, he's not sure if he can take it. ]

Don't fucking play games with me, fuckass. Not tonight. I am not in the fucking mood for that shit. If you want to fuck with me, just fucking do it, don't pretend like you're okay.

[ Because he's not okay. He's sober and he's an asshole and Karkat doesn't really know what to do.

So he just lays there, staring up at him with narrowed eyes. ]

[mirac0li]

What the fuck do you want from me, Karkat?

[Gamzee sits up, and he sounds exhausted suddenly. He sits up and frowns; no scowls or grins or anything, but just a frown because he honestly doesn't have a fucking clue anymore.

So he sits, frowning and suddenly feels really small. Feels so tiny and unsure and he sighs; lifts a hand and runs it through his hair and shakes his head.]

Fuck.

[And at that, he rolls off of Karkat and he feels so frustrated with himself. Doesn't understand why he cares so much about stupid shit instead of just being fucking happy with what he has. And he genuinely can't find an answer other than because your'e a motherfucking asshole and we're just better than all those other motherfuckers. ]

[excoriating]

Because when you're sober, I never know what's you being you or what's you trying to fuck with me, alright?

[ Karkat sits up and glances at the bed, stares at it and tangles his fingers in the sheets. It sucks because it's the truth and he doesn't really know what to do about it. Fucking rough on both of them and Karkat knows it.

He sighs after a minute, eventually leans over and kisses just under his jaw to avoid that stupid make up on his face, winding an arm around him. ]

Go shower, asshole. Seriously.

[mirac0li]

They're the same motherfucking thing.

[There isn't really any bite to it. It sounds subdued and still so tired, and Gamzee rolls onto his back and lets Karkat wind his around him. Smiles at the kiss even, even though it's small and barely there.

He moves his arm to wrap around Karkat's shoulder, his hand settling into his hair and then he sighs.]

You still gonna be here when I get out?

[excoriating]

They're fucking not.

[ But whatever, he doesn't want to argue about such stupid bullshit details, and he's pretty sure they're both too tired to bother with it right now. The exhaustion settles heavy against him, and he ends up curling closer to him.

He presses his lips a little further down his neck, and then bites it when Gamzee asks a retarded question. ]

Fucking idiot, of course I'll be here.

[mirac0li]

Sure they are.

[He makes a quiet noise in the back of his throat when Karkat bites him and suddenly he just doesn't really want to shower right now. He wants to stay right where he is, with Karat curled up beside him. But he knows that he probably wreaks of everything from the bus, to whiskey and cigarettes. He knows that the warm water will probably help him finally chill the fuck out physically at least.

He twirls a finger in Karkat's hair and makes a reluctant, grumpy noise.]

Don't wanna get up, motherfucker.

[Except he does anyway. He moves his arm from around Karkat's shoulders and slowly peels himself away, and then sits up, huffing under his breath.]

[excoriating]

[ Once he pulls away, Karkat rolls over on the bed, dropping his legs over the side so he can stand. He needs some fucking caffeine, needs to call Vriska and tell her shit is alright.

Before either of them fully gets out of bed, Karkat crawls back over towards him, slides his arms around Gamzee's shoulders to hug him. He rests his chin on top of Gamzee's head, exhales slow. He's not a sentimental fucker, but sometimes-

Well, maybe sometimes he wants to be. Just a bit.

So his arms tighten, bringing a hand up to drag fingers through his hair. His voice is soft when he speaks. ]

I wouldn't leave you.

[mirac0li]

[He tenses for a second, and then relaxes. He lifts a hand and holds onto Karkat's wrist; lets his eyes fall shut for a little bit and smiles. He feels - well. He feels better, hearing that again. He feels relieved more than he feels anything else.

He lets out a breath he hadn't realised he's been holding.]

Yea, [he says quietly.] I'd motherfucking leave me though, you know?

[He's smiling though. A genuine smile.]

Come on; gotta go clean myself up.