i really loved breaking your heart
WHO: Gamzee Makara & Karkat Vantas
WHERE: Their shitty one bedroom apartment.
WHAT: motherfucking SOBRIETY.
( we're all stars )
WHERE: Their shitty one bedroom apartment.
WHAT: motherfucking SOBRIETY.
( we're all stars )
Gamzee's a pretty terrible fucking person when he's sober.
So there's a whole lot of hesitation when he comes out of his room, takes his time in walking down the hall. He texts Vriska before he goes, lets her know that if she doesn't hear from him in an hour or two that she needs to get over there and help him out. Sometimes it gets that bad -- Karkat can't judge on if it's one of those nights yet or not. All in due fucking time, right?
He stops at the kitchen, leans against the doorway and doesn't really say anything. The kitchen looks fucking trashed and it really pisses him off, but he's not looking for a fight, even though he knows that's exactly what Gamzee wants. ]
Better fucking clean this shit up tomorrow.
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But of course Karkat knows. Gamzee doesn't doubt the little fuckers been keeping tabs him the entire time. He thinks he should probably be touched, but mostly he's just fucking irritated. Like Karkat treats him like a child all the fucking time.
He keeps grinning.]
What's happening my best of motherfucking friends?
[He sounds normal even. Gamzee's just so very good at pretending - he remembers acting stoned for a week before laying into Karkat, just for kicks. And yes - Gamzee is just a very nice person when he's sober.
He gets to his feet slowly and kicks the fridge door closed. He looks so normal, even when they both know he's a time bomb.]
I know you can't be telling me to clean this motherfucking mess up, bets friend, because that's just not how shit motherfucking works.
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Which he is, and Karkat knows it. He hates these retarded games that Gamzee likes to play, the pretending and the acting and all of the attempts he makes so Karkat will believe otherwise just so he can
slide
right under his skin and fucking tear him apart when he's good and fucking ready to.
Karkat hates him for it, sometimes, and there's the occasional fleeting thought of if it's really worth dealing with the sobriety. He should want him sober, right? He shouldn't hate him when he is.
But whatever. Whatever. He just sighs. ]
It does fucking work that way when you're actually acting like yourself.
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He shrugs, rather lazily and very much like he isn't itching to punch Karkat in the face. He keeps himself steady and in control and then walks to him; kicks a packet of chips out of the way, a bottle of whatever too and then when he's close enough, he leans in. Places an arm above Karkat's head and hovers over him.
He can run, of course, if he wants. Gamzee never traps him because there's just no motherfucking fun in that. He leans down, and he keeps grinning all friendly like, and it feels like it's going to split his face in two.]
You sound so motherfucking disappointed, motherfucker.
[And he leans in further- and this is where the grin changes. Where it becomes nasty and malicious and his eyes narrow, and he bears his teeth. His hand dips down low enough that his fingers can toy with Karkat's hair and Gamzee laughs low in his throat.
Terezi called him a monster once; a predator, and Gamzee doesn't think she was really wrong.]
Don't you motherfucking like me best friend? When I'm off all that toxic shit and acting like my fine, motherfucking self?
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Karkat wants to shove him off, push him away and walk the fuck out. Wants to more than anything. Just crash out on Terezi's couch for a while or Vriska's. Wait until Gamzee straightens his shit out. But he doesn't -- no. Of course he doesn't. Instead he just stares back at him as fucking defiantly as he can. ]
I like you when you're being your fucking self. Not this fucked up asshole who thinks it's all fucking hilarious to fuck with people like a total asshole. You're not some shitstain on the earth so I don't get why you fucking act like you are.
[ As soon as he says it, he knows that he's going to see that anger in Gamzee's eyes. He knows it and waits and fucking expects it. And Karkat knows that he should leave now. Should duck out from between him and the wall and just leave instead of staying. But he doesn't. He doesn't go, doesn't even try to move, because he fucking missed him, missed the Gamzee that he actually knows, and even though it looks like he's home, Karkat's still waiting. ]
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And what the fuck is Karkat? Gamzee's blood boils and he's furious because who the fuck does Karkat think he is to lecture him?
If Gamzee wants to fuck with people; if he wants to mess the around and manipulate them and tear them apart, then he fucking can. He remembers Vriska calling him a self-entitled asshole once, and in turn him calling her a hypocritical bitch.
He's furious, but he cracks up laughing.]
The only motherfucking shitstain here is you, motherfucker.
[He's so angry, and really, deep down it's not because Karkat is talking back.
It's because: why can't you motherfucking like every part of me, even the asshole?
His fist clenches, knuckles brushing against Karkat's hair and Gamzee leans and presses their heads together. He lifts his other hand and grips Karkat's shirt with it and Karkat had his chance to leave.
Gamzee wets his lips, and he's honestly not sure what he wants to do right now. Fight Karkat until they're both spitting blood and Karkat kicks him out, or-]
It really hurts my motherfucking feelings, best friend, when you say shitty things like that. But you know, I'm just such a nice motherfucker, and I can forgive you for being such a shitty best friend.
[Gamzee isn't sure whether he wants to fight him or just kiss him or maybe call Vriska instead.]
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Gamzee's words dig in against him. Even if he might think them about himself, it's always harder hearing it from the one person he used to think would never say it. So when they come, it's fucking difficult to not punch Gamzee right in the face for it.
Because yeah, maybe he does love him in a million different fucking ways for all the bad and the good shit that he might be. But there are parts of him that Karkat can't stand and would rather be without.
Karkat shrinks away from him, finally, just fucking stops trying. He knows it ends badly when they fight, when it gets really violent. And he isn't sure if he can deal with that much bullshit right now. ]
Yeah, the shittiest best friend.
[ He stares up at him, looks him right in the eye and never once glances away. His tone is so fucking cold and disconnected and it doesn't even hold that normal bite of anger that Karkat seems to always hold in his voice. ]
Don't really know how you fucking stand it. Dealing with someone who makes sure you're alive when you fuck off on tours and keeps you fucking stable when you think that sobriety is the cool fucking thing for you to fucking do. Yeah, so fucking sorry for giving a shit about you. I'll stop doing that in the fucking future so you don't have to deal with how shitty that must be.
[ And that's when he reaches up and forces Gamzee's hand away from him and shoves him off enough so Karkat can walk away. Just enough so he can grab his phone and text Vriska, that's all he really needs. ]
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Gamzee remembers that feeling of terror; of not having control over his emotions, and from then on it's been anger he forces out, because he hates feeling miserable. He remembers Dr. Egbert saying, 'son - the mood swings are going to happen whether you want them to or not,' and 'son, this isn't the best way to do this.'
He hadn't listened then, and now-
Now the fury sort of twists and warps in his veins and skews itself around and Gamzee panics again because yes, he has a fucking ego, but he needs Karkat even if he hates admitting it.
He wants to scream, don't you motherfucking say that to me you motherfucking asshole. He wants to scream so much because that tone is ice cold and Gamzee isn't used to that. He isn't used to this; to Karkat giving up on him and it fucking hurts. Like a knife in the heart and Gamzee reaches out in blind panic and grabs the back of Karkat's shirt and pulls him back.
Doesn't give a fuck if he stumbles because Gamzee doesn't want him to go.]
Fuck, [he hisses. He's so angry and irritable, but his eyes sting and he feels like a fucking wreck.] Don't you dare motherfucking leave me.
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He waits until his breathing steadies out before he moves, and finally turns around in his arms. It takes him a minute to fully react, but when he does, he wraps his arms around Gamzee's neck and pulls him down against him, holding on so fucking tight that his arms ache a bit. Karkat buries his face between his arm and Gamzee's neck and just fucking stays there, doesn't say anything at first.
Because like he'd ever fucking go. Like he'd ever give up. If there's one thing in his life that Karkat's going to hold onto with the force of everything he has, it's Gamzee.
He lifts one of his hands, tangles his fingers in Gamzee's hair and just fucking clings to him, because this shit sucks so fucking bad, and he missed him so much. It's just such a shitty situation. ]
Fuck. Never.
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And yet; his hands twist in the fabric of Karkat's shirt and buries his face into his hair. He feels miserable and guilty.
And yet-
And yet; why the fuck does Karkat make him feel so weak? The rage doesn't really leave him, but Gamzee feels it boiling to the surface again but he pushes it down. Dips his head down to burrow into Karkat's shoulder and sighs.]
I motherfucking missed you, [he murmurs quietly, tilting his head and placing pressing a chaste kiss against Karkat's neck.] Shit's just been so motherfucking balls, you know?
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Karkat sighs, rests his head against Gamzee's shoulder and just stops moving. It's tiring for both of them, and he knows it. That it's fucking exhausting, wears them both down to nothing. But there isn't any other way to be, right? So it's just this circle fuck that they make of Gamzee being drugged up or sober and alternating in anger and hate and resentment into being friends and Gamzee making him not so uptight and just chilling the fuck out together.
And fuck, he missed him. ]
I know. [ Another sigh, a slow exhale. He'd heard about all the bullshit already. ] Missed you, too. [ Not something he wants to admit, but- Whatever, man. ]
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But he's been waiting to hear Karkat say that and now that he has, the tension in his shoulders unwinds and he sort of flops against him.
Truthfully, Gamzee doesn't know what he fuck he's feeling right now. He's desperate for a cigarette or a joint, but he doesn't want to give in because he's so tired of feeling like this. The truth is; Gamzee is really kind of an asshole, and the drugs make him a better person. Sometimes, he thinks he wants Gamzee to do the same thing so he can give it all up for good.
But he knows that's not fair. Knows he should be making the effort himself, because he fucking cares about Karkat, even when he is an asshole and tearing him down piece by piece. Sometimes he just wants Karkat to need him as much as Gamzee needs Karkat.]
Can we motherfucking lay down? Head's all in a motherfucking mess.
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But-
Better to not think of that right now, right?
So instead he tightens his arms a bit, breathes out slow. He needs to text Vriska and tell her to get in touch with that guy Gamzee talks to when he starts sobering up. Maybe he'll make a house call or something. Karkat mostly just wants to make sure he stays as sane as he can, until someone can help him out a bit. ]
Yeah.
[ It's a simple agreement and it doesn't take long for Karkat to unwind his arms from him, pulling back so he can head for the bedroom. ]
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He still wants to smash Karkat's face into the nearest wall as much as he wants to pull him close and hug him again.]
Thanks, motherfucker.
[And Gamzee lets him take the lead. His head is pounding, but he doesn't feel tired. His adrenaline is pumping with the effort to keep himself in check, but he's hoping it'll all crash soon so he can sleep this bullshit mood off.]
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For now, he reaches up, smooths Gamzee's hair out, curls up as close as he can to him. Karkat should have dragged him to the bathroom first and shoved him in the shower to wash off the grime of the road and the facepaint and maybe let the hot water relax him, but- He doesn't feel like fighting him just to get him in there.
So he says nothing, moves his hand down to rub at the back of Gamzee's neck, up to his temples. He's memorized every point of Gamzee's sobriety, so it's mostly just second nature at this point. ]
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It's an out time, erratic sound that Gamzee knows will settle down if he manages to relax more than he is now. He sighs, wraps his arms around Karkat tightly and murmurs nonsense into his hair.
He evens out his breathing and his mind refuses to shut down, but it's fine. He can pretend everything is fine for five minutes, by just having Karkat here and-
And he fucking hates that he has to rely on Karkat, who isn't worth-
And fuck, he thinks. He can never quite tell if that's the withdrawal talking or if that is just genuinely what he thinks. And it's sad, it's so fucking sad because Karkat might be lower than dirt on the social ladder, but Gamzee adores him.
And that probably answers his own question.]
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