Fic: Touch the Face of the Stars (Lily)

[lyras]

Title: Touch the Face of the Stars
Author: Lyras
Rating: PG-13 for adult themes
Wordcount: Just under 7,000 words
Warnings: Character death
Summary: Lily tries to work out what is worth living - or dying - for. This story inevitably contains some Lily/James, but it is essentially gen.
Notes: Gift for such_heights as part of hp_summergen, now updated to be DH-compliant (ie there are spoilers within). You can read the original (spoiler-free) version here if you prefer.

The title and the last two section headings are taken from the Loreena McKennitt song 'Dante's Prayer'. The section heading 'Care for them and help them take their place' comes from the Anglican baptismal service. Some dialogue is quoted from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Thank you to pasi for beta-reading at short notice!


All your dreams come true

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
8 September 1971

Dear Mum and Dad,

I can't believe it's Wednesday and I haven't had a minute to write to you yet! Everything is brilliant here, although very strange. There are ghosts and all sorts! The ghosts aren't scary, though, except for one, so don't worry. One of them even showed me where to find the Transfiguration classroom yesterday when I got lost.

Lessons are hellishly good! Transfiguration is turning things into other things, and there's Charms, which is spells to move things around, I think. I lifted a feather today. By magic, I mean. It's harder than you'd think! Then there's Potions, which I think is like Domestic Science for wizards (only the boys have to do it, too, not like in Petunia's class) and Herbology, which is gardening. We have our first flying lesson tomorrow. I can't wait to fly like the people in Gobbolino the Witch's Cat!

Most people have magical parents and houses and things, so everything they know is magic. That must be really weird, like living in a fairytale. Some of them call me names because I'm not a pure witch, but there are plenty of people like me, too. There's a girl in my dormitory called Emmeline, and she's from Wales, so she's got a funny accent, but she's really nice. Today we both did better in Charms than these three pure-blood boys in our house, and they were furious. One of them tried to put a spell on me, so I got angry and set his hair on fire. I didn't exactly mean to, but it was funny, at least it was once I worked out how to put out the flames.

We have houses here, like Petunia's school, only they're named after famous wizards and witches instead of Captain Cook and people like that. I'm in Gryffindor, after Godric Gryffindor, one of the people who founded the school. Nobody seems to know much about him, except that he was valiant and brave. I'm going to be just like him.

Severus is in Slytherin, where he wanted to be. I'm sorry we can't be in the same house, but I'm sure we'll see lots of each other anyway.

Lots of love,
Lily

I was never yours

When Severus entered The Three Broomsticks on the Hallowe'en of their seventh year, Lily made her excuses and walked outside. He was accompanied by a group of adults of whom she recognised only one, Bellatrix Lestrange, but that was enough for her to suspect the nature of their gathering.

Emmeline barely noticed, wrapped up in her flirtation with Stephen Prout of Ravenclaw, and so Lily's exit went unprotested. Outside, she breathed in the scent of dead leaves and tried to calm herself. It was not that she was upset on her own account, although she missed her friendship with Severus, and the innocent pleasure that she had once taken in his company. What distressed her was the change she had noticed in him in the year or so since their final argument. He had always had a violent temper, but his outbursts were particularly vicious these days, whether he was taking on Potter and his cohorts or a defenceless first year. Moreover, she only ever saw him talking to people whom she disliked at the very least, and whom she suspected of having joined the Death Eaters at worst.

Emmeline did not understand her concern. "Snape's a nasty piece of work, that's all," she had said the last time Lily had mentioned him. "I know you were friends at home, but honestly, Lily, he was always going to turn out that way. Forget about him."

But Lily remembered a little boy who had been kind to her despite the differences in their home lives, and often wondered whether she might have helped him by acting differently. Perhaps if she'd been Sorted into Slytherin...

She shuddered and drew her cloak tightly around her. Not even for her erstwhile best friend could she have borne being in Slytherin House - at least, not at present, when Muggle-borns were constantly ridiculed and victimised. And yet, mightn't she have kept Severus from becoming quite so prejudiced? She could not like him any longer, but she still worried for him.

She had been ambling along twilit backstreets in the hope of avoiding other students, with little awareness of the passing of time. Now, she suddenly realised that the darkness was not entirely caused by the gloomy weather: dusk was falling. Quickening her stride, she headed back to the main street. As Head Girl, it was vital that she set a good example.

First battle

When she heard a succession of small bangs, she looked around for the fireworks. If any of the kids had let those off in anticipation of Bonfire Night, she'd have them in detention for a week!

Afterwards, she was never sure of the order in which events unfolded. Screams erupted, and a man yelled in despair. Above her loured, not the smoky-glittery light of fireworks, but a grinning skull picked out in dull green vapour. Lily sprinted down the street towards it, until she reached the small section of grass on the northern fringe of the village.

Eliza Fenchurch, the seventh year Hufflepuff prefect, and a young man Lily couldn't place were battling several figures wearing white masks that were beginning to look horribly familiar. Eliza's friend Annie was sprawled at her feet.

Without thinking, Lily charged into the fray, attacking the Death Eater closest to her and distracting him from Eliza just as James Potter hurried from a cross-street and began throwing fists and hexes at anyone not in school uniform. A sixth year Slytherin prefect hurried towards them with his wand out, lips already forming an incantation, and Lily glimpsed a group of younger students hovering on the opposite pavement.

"Stay back!" she called sharply. "Lisa! All of you, go to The Three Broomsticks and tell everyone there to get back to school. Now!" She didn't wait to check that her order was obeyed, because a curse brushed the hand that she'd been gesturing with. She cried out in shock, but there was no time for pain; instead, she turned around and peppered her assailant with hexes. He swore and dodged around to the other side of the green, presumably looking for an easier target.

Lily had never expected a battle to be so noisy and confusing. The Death Eaters outnumbered them, but did not seem to be fighting with any particular intent. People were slipping on the mud churned up by running feet and the impact of magic. There were bangs and sizzles as various spells connected with their targets. Potter and Hopkirk, the Slytherin who had joined them, were yelling instructions to one another. Eliza was sobbing loudly in between shrieking frantic incantations which had little effect on the Death Eater with whom she was duelling, a heavyset man with blonde hair straggling past his mask. Lily had no time to do more than glance at Annie, horribly still amid the chaos, because one of the masked figures called out, "Another Mudblood - the ginger girl!"

It was a woman's voice. Lily's thoughts turned inexorably to Bellatrix Lestrange, last seen entering the pub alongside Severus. Was he here? She had no time to look around for him, because a very tall Death Eater was striding towards her, disregarding the chaos around him. He moved sinuously through the storm of spells that jigsawed the green, slipping one way and then the other to avoid crossfire.

"Impedimenta," called Lily, and then, "Stupefy!"

The man blocked her attacks, barely pausing in his advance towards her. She repeated the incantations and followed them up with several more, but he merely continued walking. Why didn't he bloody attack her? "Stupefy!" she yelled again.

His laughter, barely audible over the yells and bangs, was like an icy wind at her back.

"Evans!" Potter yelled, his Head Boy badge glinting in the eerie light cast by all the magic. Perhaps he had witnessed her fruitless attempts to defend herself, because he threw himself towards the masked man, shoving him aside. "Evans, get out of here, you do not want to be here, get aw-" Stunned by the man he had been grappling with, he fell heavily onto the grass.

"Fool!" The man's voice was disdainful. He turned towards Lily once more, and she raised her wand - there would be time to worry about Potter later - but suddenly the air was full of loud pops as Aurors Apparated all around them.

The Death Eater called out, "Retire! Fall back; we've done what we came for." He inclined his head towards Lily, and again she felt a wave of coldness that had nothing to do with the chilly evening. Who on earth was he?

Before she could react, he had Disapparated, leaving his fellow Death Eaters to do likewise.

Potter had not moved, and Lily crouched at his side. "Potter?" Damn, why did he always have to be so rash? He was brave, yes, but utterly wrong-headed at times. "Potter!"

She took a deep breath and pointed her wand. "Rennervate." Potter stirred, his eyes fluttering open, and she closed her eyes in relief.

A moment later, he was sitting up and brushing mud from his coat, his face fuzzy as if he had just woken from a deep sleep. Even amid the chaos, he managed to cast a cheeky glance in her direction and demand to know if she had been worried about him.

"Idiot," she retorted, setting his glasses straight. She was still too shaken by her encounter with the tall Death Eater to be patient with his banter.

"Hey!" He rubbed his forehead. "I just saved-"

"I know," she interrupted. "Thanks. Honestly, thanks."

He looked up at her, and for once his expression was perfectly serious. "Lily, do you realise who that was?" He was still very pale.

"No." She thought carefully. "I mean, I thought I recognised one of the other voices, but not his." She remembered the strange effect that the Death Eater had had on her and shivered. "Are you all right to stand up now?" She put her hand in his and began pulling him to his feet.

"That was him," he said seriously. "Lily, you're going to have to be bloody careful after this."

They stared at one another; then a man swore loudly behind them. Turning, Lily saw that a crowd had gathered around Eliza, Annie and the unknown young man. Without a word, they hurried over.

First death

"You can cure her, can't you?" the young man was saying in a monotone. Lily belatedly recognised him as a Hufflepuff who had left the previous year. "She'll be all right, won't she, a few days in St Mungo's and she'll be better, she will, won't she?"

The Auror who had been bending over Annie looked up and shook his head. "I'm so sorry," he said. "She's gone. There's nothing doing with that spell."

Eliza collapsed onto the mud beside Annie, still weeping uncontrollably. A female Auror bent down to comfort her. The ex-student swore and knelt down beside her. "It should've been me," he said blankly, "I'm the one who was going out with a Muggle-born. I shouldn't have put her in that position." He brushed a strand of dark hair off the dead girl's face. "It's my fault."

"It's nobody's fault except for those damned Death Eaters," remarked another man with ruddy hair that clashed with his purple robes. He noticed Lily watching him, and straightened. "Ah, prefects. The Head Girl and Head Boy, no less! Listen, you need to take this lot back to the school." He gestured at the growing crowd of students, many of whom were sobbing and showing signs of panic. "We'll bring these three along." He glanced down at the pair crouching beside Annie. "What's your name, love?"

"She's Eliza," said Lily, when the younger girl showed no sign of having heard him. "I'm sorry, I don't rem-"

"I'm Julius Wellesley," the young man put in. He was getting paler by the second.

Lily nodded at him, lost for anything to say, and glanced at Potter, who straightened and walked confidently towards the huddle of onlookers. "All right, everybody," he called. "The Death Eaters are long gone; there's nothing to be afraid of any more. We're going to walk back to school together. Prefects!" He looked at Hopkirk, who nodded. "Help the younger students, please. Everyone get into pairs, and nobody leave the path for any reason, got that? We'll pick up any stragglers as we go through the village. You go at the front," he added to Lily, "and I'll follow on behind."

She nodded at him and began rounding up the people nearest to the Hogwarts road, claiming three shivering third year girls to keep her company at the front. Just as they were about to start walking, Sirius Black came hurrying down the street and stared aghast at the green, where Eliza was being helped to her feet.

"What the hell happened?"

"Death Eaters," said Lily curtly. "I think Annie Lyall's..." She couldn't finish. "Help us get this lot back to school, will you, Sirius? Those kids in the middle of the line could do with someone to keep an eye on them."

"I'll be back soon," he said absently. "Got to find - need to check...sorry, Lily, bye." He sprinted back up the street, ignoring her indignant shout. She looked around, but Potter was still busy organising the back of the line; there was nothing for her to do but lead off towards school.

Be near me

It wasn't until much later, after each group of students had been delivered to their respective corridors and after Lily and James had completed interviews with the Headmaster, the Deputy Headmistress and two Aurors, that Lily had a chance to speak to James about Sirius's strange behaviour.

"I wondered about that," said James quietly as they walked back to Gryffindor Tower. "Sirius worries about-" He broke off. "Well, he feels responsible for - people."

Lily could think of only one person he might be referring to. "You mean he was looking for his brother? But surely he didn't think Regulus would be mixed up in that, did he? He's too young!"

James brushed his hair off his forehead self-consciously. "I shouldn't think he was, no," he said, his gaze fixed resolutely on the tapestry at the end of the corridor.

Lily wondered again whether Severus had been among the attackers. It was impossible to know; the masks, hoods and robes hid the identifies of their wearers effectively.

"God." Unexpectedly, tears started in her eyes and she blinked hard. "This is all so horrible. So pointless, and that just makes it more awful. Poor Annie, all she did was go out with a pure-blood who they happened to be keeping an eye on...What are those bloody idiots thinking about?"

"Nothing." James's bitter tone shocked her. "They're not thinking at all. They're like children carried away by romance, playing games with death." She stared at him, unused to seeing such a serious side to his personality, and he shrugged. "Or so my dad used to say." His hand brushed hers briefly, his fingers leaving warm traces on her skin. "Come on," he said, "it's about time the Head Girl got to relax, don't you think?"

She looked up at him suspiciously. "What do you have in mind?"

"Nothing too terrible," he said. "Just a quiet butterbeer in your study before you go back to being all responsible again in the Common Room."

"Maybe I could manage that," she said with a wan smile. His grin lit up his face, and she wondered at the way her heart lurched even after everything that had happened that day.

They were so happy for you

When Lily stepped through the portrait hole, she could tell that everyone in the Gryffindor Common Room knew about her parents' murders. Every conversation halted; everyone carefully did not look in her direction.

James and Emmeline were seated by the fire, along with the rest of the seventh years. Emmeline looked as if she'd been crying. Both rose at the same moment; they looked at one another, and then Emmeline sat down again, throwing a tiny smile in Lily's direction.

It couldn't have been, but it seemed much longer than a few seconds before James took her hands and gazed dumbly down at her.

"I'm all right," she said and realised how silly that sounded. "Well, I'm not. But. It's all-" She gave up. "Going up to my room for a bit."

"But I can't follow you there." His eyes were anguished behind his glasses.

"I know." She looked up at him, and then away. "I - I do want to. Be with you. But I just need to be by myself first."

He nodded, his hands holding hers tightly. "I'll wait here," he promised. "Whenever you're ready, I'll be here for you." He kissed her forehead, and she had to pull away because if she let him get any closer, she would burst into tears right there in front of everyone, and she thought if that happened she might never be able to stop. She pressed her lips to his and hurried across the room, tears already spilling over as she ran up the stairs.

Being grown up

The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix are located in the upstairs parlour of the Hog's Head Inn, Hogsmeade.

As they followed Professor McGonagall into the parlour, James gave Lily a confident smile that did nothing to reassure her, clutched her hand and strode to greet Sirius, whose tense expression dissipated into delight when he saw them. The two men shook hands heartily but confined their conversation to a murmur. Even they, it seemed, were overawed by their first meeting as members of the fabled Order of the Phoenix.

Lily hugged Sirius and then felt herself seized from behind. Her hands went involuntarily to her belly, even as she realised the identity of her assailant.

"Peter!" She turned to hug him, feeling obscurely guilty. "You too?" Across the room, she saw Professor McGonagall chatting amiably to a couple she didn't know.

"Yeah!" Peter's smile was half terror, she thought, and half enthusiasm. "All of us together. It's brill, isn't it?"

"No Remus?" she asked indignantly. Had the Order decided that he wasn't trustworthy?

"Remus is, in fact, working for the Order of the Phoenix already," said Professor Dumbledore's voice behind them; Lily and Peter jumped. "He is currently doing some research on my behalf, although I hope you will see him later."

"Professor!" Lily hesitated only a second before throwing her arms around the old man, who returned her embrace with interest. She smelled lemons on his breath, and suddenly the world didn't seem like such a terrifying place to bring a child into after all. "Thank you so much for trusting us," she said earnestly. "We can't wait to do our bit."

Dumbledore smiled, and only when recalling the encounter afterwards did she wonder at the sadness that tinged his expression. "It is my very great pleasure to have you here, Lily," he said. "All of you." He opened his arms to encompass James, Peter and Sirius, who were listening. "Now," he added, "we have much to discuss."

Worthy of the cause, or a cause worth dying for

"Dumbledore was pretty serious, wasn't he?" remarked Sirius as they made their way to The Three Broomsticks for a post mortem. "All that, 'This is not a responsibility to be undertaken lightly,' and 'There may come a time when you will be asked to give your life to our cause'." He declaimed Professor Dumbledore's words in dramatic fashion, arm outstretched for effect.

"Yeah, I hadn't counted on that," put in Peter, who looked rather pale. "I thought it'd be like being an Auror, only a bit safer, because Aurors sometimes die in the-"

"That's because you're an idiot, Wormy," said Sirius. "Of course we have to be prepared to die. Didn't McGonagall say that when she told you about the Order?"

"She didn't," Peter said resentfully. "I mean, she never talked to me about that. It was Gideon Prewett. He lives near my mum, see; I've known him since I was a nipper."

They filed into the pub and found a table near the fireplace, which glowed warmly but gave off no heat, since it was the height of summer. "Right," announced James, "Ogden's Old Peculiars all round, I reckon, with a whisky chaser. Any idea what time Remus is turning up, Sirius?"

Lily caught his arm as he turned to the bar. "No celebrations, remember?" she said into his ear. "Nothing that could give away what we've been doing."

James kissed her quickly. "I thought you knew what this lot were like." He grinned. "This is how we start off an ordinary Saturday night, my darling. I'll let you off with a butterbeer, though." His eyes drifted downwards, and his kiss was tenderer this time, his hand tight on hers. "Just in case."

She smiled at him and turned back to the table. Sirius and Peter were still wrangling.

"I think it would be worth it," Sirius said decisively. "If I can stop - help stop those idiots doing what they're doing," his eyes flicked over Lily self-consciously, "then I think it would be worth it. I wouldn't want to - I mean, I'm not going to volunteer, or anything - thanks, James!" He accepted a steaming mug of ale and took a hearty swig. "Ah! But if it happens, well, I hope I'll have the courage to do what's right."

"So do I," said Peter, but he did not look happy. "I'm just not sure I will."

And I'm worried that we're all being completely stupid, thought Lily. She realised that her hand had crept to her belly yet again, and placed it firmly on the table.

Apart from not yet being sure whether she was pregnant, she wasn't sure whether she wanted to be, either. It wasn't that she wouldn't like to have a baby. Just thinking of the life that might be unfolding inside her filled her joy. But the idea of having a baby now, when Voldemort was more powerful than ever, when Muggle-borns like her were walking targets, seemed criminally negligent in some ways. And to join the Order of the Phoenix, on top of all that...

But Sirius was right, wasn't he? This was a cause worth fighting for, and - if it came down to it - dying for. Wasn't it?

Lily folded her hands over her belly and listened to the debate.

Guaranteeing the future

"Are we being completely stupid, do you think?" she asked Alice Longbottom a few months later when they were relaxing after the Muggle coffee-morning they'd been keeping an eye on.

Alice sipped her tea and sighed with pleasure. "Ah, that's better. For this, you mean?" She patted her bump gently, and Lily nodded.

"No," said Alice decisively. "No, I don't. I mean, it's not exactly an ideal time to have a baby, I know that. But how else are we going to get through this if we don't live? The only way we can get through this is by living, by fighting what Voldemort stands for. If we don't do that, what's the point?"

"I just worry," said Lily, warming her fingers around her cup. "What kind of world are we bringing them into? What awful things are they going to face that we couldn't prevent?"

Alice shrugged. "Frank's mother couldn't prevent him being bullied when we were at Hogwarts, and" - she grimaced - "at the other end of the scale, Annie Lyall's mother couldn't prevent her daughter's murder. There's nothing we can do to guarantee our children's happiness. All we can do is try our best to help them live, and live well." She laughed. "Listen to me, I sound like a right old philosopher."

Lily smiled at her gratefully. "You're a wise old philosopher," she countered.

"Oi! I'm not that much older than you, you cheeky monkey." But Alice's round face was smiling again; then she looked at the clock and sighed. "I'd better get off. I'm working this afternoon and I think Moody's got plans for us. I'll see you on Monday, all right?"

Lily nodded and stood up. "I've got to get going, too. I said I'd report in before I went home."

They made their way out onto the dim street and trudged off through the rain in opposite directions. As she walked, Lily pondered Alice's words. The only way we can get through this is by living. She longed to talk to Petunia, who (she had been informed in a curt letter) was also pregnant. But Petunia didn't want to see her any more, and Lily could not see any good in drawing attention to her Muggle sister.

The rain intensified; she pulled her coat more tightly around her and sped up. The sooner she got to headquarters, the sooner she could get home to James.

Care for them and help them take their place

Harry was a week old when he was christened. "Of course, nothing's going to happen to us," James had said too heartily when they'd discussed the matter with Sirius, "but it's common sense to make sure that we've got someone in place, just in case."

There was no 'just in case' about it. The deaths of Gideon and Fabian Prewett, of various Aurors and Death Eaters, the disappearance of quiet Dorcas Meadows only a week earlier, testified to that. Lily and James had encountered Voldemort himself for the second time four months previously, escaping narrowly thanks to the arrival of Alice and her husband Frank. After that, Professor Dumbledore had insisted that Lily and Alice stay away from confrontations, which had meant several frustrating months of Muggle-watching and research work.

Petunia did not come to the christening, and Lily was surprised to find that she didn't mind. She had lost her sister the day she had left for Hogwarts, and she couldn't blame her for wanting to stay far away from the people who had murdered their parents. Besides, Petunia's little boy was only five weeks old; no doubt, Lily thought with her newfound awareness of motherhood, he was her first and only priority.

She gazed around the old stone church, lined with sarcophagi dating back eight hundred years, while the vicar talked of youth and hope and faith. Harry slept as Lily, James and Sirius repeated their vows, waking only when the vicar made the sign of the cross on his forehead with holy water. His sleepy blinking charmed the elderly clergyman and elicited a chorus of 'Aahhhs' from the congregation, but all Lily could feel was terror at seeing her son at the mercy of a stranger.

Into the marvellous light

Afterwards, James and Sirius got drunk on firewhisky, and Lily didn't have the heart to reproach them. They kept vigil in the living room late into the summer evening, the curtains charmed into transparency from the inside so that they could watch the sun set over the hill at the back of the house and - although none of them articulated the thought - keep an eye out for intruders.

Despite everything she'd imagined while she had been pregnant, Lily's own feelings about Harry had taken her by surprise. She knew that James felt the same, and often caught him watching Harry with an expression that matched her own emotions: joy, fear and overwhelming love.

For all that, she certainly had not been prepared to deal with the adoration that Sirius showered on Harry. He turned up nearly every day, sometimes accompanied by Remus or Peter, but more often alone, bearing gifts of all kinds. His pièce de résistance was a miniature tricycle that bore a striking resemblance to his own black motorcycle, on which he constantly threatened, half-seriously, to take Harry for a ride.

As well as Sirius, the Potter home increasingly became a magnet for Remus and Peter, Emmeline and any girlfriends or boyfriends who happened to be around. The guests entertained Harry with varying degrees of awkwardness; the women brought food and the men alcohol, and the evenings were full of quiet happiness made all the sweeter by the sense that it could be snatched away at any moment.

Alice and Frank dropped in with their son occasionally, and the four of them had fun speculating on the adventures that Harry and Neville would have when they were old enough for Hogwarts. Neville would be Head Boy, they decided, and Harry would be Quidditch Captain and the best Chaser Hogwarts had seen for decades.

"Although they've got loads of time for that," James said cheerfully. "They'll have plenty of fun first. Be all over the castle and winding up the giant squid before the Christmas of their first year, I bet." He bounced Harry on his knee in an effort to keep his questing fingers from his glasses. "And I'm not sure about this Head Boy business for Neville. He looks like too much of a tinker to me."

Lily and Alice looked at one another and collapsed into giggles.

"What?" demanded James, holding Harry out to Lily. "Here. He wants his mum now, don't you, Harry? Time to pull Mummy's hair, eh?" He stared at Alice and Lily. "What on earth is so funny?"

"You, of all people, assuming that Neville's too naughty to be Head Boy," retorted Lily as she took Harry into her arms.

"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs: the greatest pranksters Hogwarts has ever seen," James acknowledged grandly. "May Harry and Neville follow in our glorious footsteps."

The murder of the innocents

Shortly before Harry's first birthday, their days of quiet enjoyment came to an end. On Professor Dumbledore's orders, they lived quietly in Godric's Hollow, visited only by neighbourhood friends such as Peter, Bathilda Bagshot and Dumbledore himself, since he owned a house in the village and could come and go unobtrusively. It was frustrating, but they kept themselves going with hope. Perhaps it would blow over; perhaps Voldemort would turn his attention to other matters. It was only a prophecy, after all.

But when summer waned and Professor Dumbledore summoned them to the Hog's Head along with Alice and Frank, Lily knew that it had not blown over at all.

"I am not going into hiding," said James loudly when the Fidelius charm was put forward as a solution. "It's bad enough not being able to help as it is, without hiding away altogether like a damn coward!"

"My dear James," said Professor Dumbledore, rather more acerbically than usual, "if you would consent to 'hide away', you would place considerably less strain on the Order's resources than you do at present, given that we currently have several members guarding Godric's Hollow each day."

James sagged back into his seat. He did not look at Lily, hugging Harry beside him."Don't understand why he's after Harry and Neville anyway," he muttered. "What harm could two babies do to him?"

Professor Dumbledore sighed. "I admit that they look perfectly harmless to me," he said. "However, Voldemort has never been the most rational of men, and now, when he is so close to taking power, he seems to have become increasingly paranoid."

"But that's it, exactly," put in Frank, fending off Neville's questing hands, which were reaching for his wand. "He is close to taking power. We're losing this war one dead body at a time. I'm sorry," he said as Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak, "but it's true. And what sort of selfish idiots would we be if we didn't help at a time like this?"

"We have not lost yet." Dumbledore's voice was unusually stern. "Things look bad, yes, but there is hope in the darkest of moments. Recent developments have given me extra cause to believe in our success."

"What developments?" asked Frank bleakly. "The news that Voldemort's branching out into babies?"

"I have acquired another spy," answered Dumbledore, "and I think his information may prove extremely helpful."

James laughed bitterly. "Like the spy who's feeding details of everyone's whereabouts to Voldemort?" He looked at Lily searchingly, as if trying to elicit an answer to an unspoken question, and added, "I agree with Frank. We can't possibly just give up and go into hiding." As if to illustrate his point, he bounced upright and began pacing up and down beside the long table.

Lily hugged Harry to her breast and looked across at Alice, who was biting her lip as she stared down at Neville, clasped in her husband's arms.

I hope it will never come to this, but I must be clear: our foes are deadly, our work dangerous, Dumbledore had once said, and There may come a time when you will be asked to give your life to our cause. Was this that time? But this wasn't her life they were talking about: it was Harry's. And what right did they have to make a choice for a child not old enough to walk yet?

"I can't force you, of course." Dumbledore sounded exhausted, and Lily wondered how much sleep he had had recently. "Ladies? You must have your say in this, of course."

Lily looked at him, and then at James, still pacing lionlike up and down the parlour.

"We should use the Fidelius charm," she said firmly. James spluttered a protest, but she ignored him. "James, you can put your own life on the line, and I won't like it, but I'll put up with it. But you have no right to risk Harry's life."

Alice nodded slowly. "Lily's right," she said. "We're parents. Our first responsibility is to our children."

Frank had been gazing down at his son; he looked up and nodded at Alice's words. "I hate it," he said, "but I agree."

"If you don't agree," Lily added, because James still looked mutinous, "I'll take Harry and go into hiding without you." His hurt expression cut her to the heart. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'd much rather have you with us, but I will do it if I have to."

"I - I wouldn't leave you," he muttered. She held out her hand; he grasped it and sat down beside her. After a long moment, he looked up at Dumbledore. "So I suppose we need to choose a Secret-Keeper."

The other side of happiness

In some ways, it was the sweetest time of all. Lily knew she loved James and that he loved her, but their time had always been spent with other people. Now she discovered that he was a wonderful storyteller, and found that she had a talent for self-sufficiency. They invented endless games in an effort to forget about the outside world, about Voldemort's encroaching power. One evening, they sat down separately and wrote letters to Harry, to be opened on his seventeenth birthday, and left them ready to post the next time Peter came with their groceries.

"Terribly morbid of us, really," James said as they lay entwined together that night, alternately laughing and sighing over Harry's infant snores, which rose from the nearby cot.

"Nah," murmured Lily. "Just imagine the look on his face when he gets them!"

James was silent for so long that she thought he'd fallen asleep when he spoke again. "I wish I knew we'd be around to see it."

She snuggled closer around him. "We can only do our best."

Take these crumbled hopes

Lily was putting Harry to bed when a loud bang sounded from the direction of the front door.

"Lily, take Harry and go! It’s him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off." James's voice echoed up the stairs. For an instant, Lily froze, all too aware that her wand was on the coffee table alongside James's. Had he picked his up before hurrying to face Voldemort? Oh, James! God, James, James, please be all right!

A loud thud from the hall brought her back to life, and she let out a wail. Oh, James! My love, my darling, my... But there wasn't time for grieving, there wasn't time, there wasn't time.

Harry began whimpering; she kissed his forehead and laid him down in his cot, then slammed the door and began hurling things against it: boxes, her nursing chair, a heavy old copy of Hogwarts: A History; anything to stall Voldemort long enough for help (oh, Sirius, Sirius, why didn't you trust yourself?) to arrive.

When everything of use was stacked against the door, she seized Harry and paced desperately around the little room. There must be some way of escape; she couldn't Apparate without her wand, but surely she could do something.

And then it was too late. The doorhandle turned; a second later, her makeshift barricade was pushed aside and Lily came face to face with Lord Voldemort for the fourth time. Unmasked, he looked even worse than she had imagined, his features distorted into an obscene caricature of some mythical serpent-god. She dropped Harry into the cot behind her and spread her arms wide.

"Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!"

Voldemort looked past her at Harry and smiled thinly. "Stand aside, you silly girl...stand aside, now..."

"Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead-" Lily's voice rose an octave in her desperation, but Voldemort's only reaction was to step towards her.

"This is my last warning-"

"Not Harry!" Lily was weeping now, her words bursting between sobs. "Please...have mercy...have mercy... Not Harry!" Mum, Dad, James, Severus, but not Harry, not Harry. "Not Harry! Please, I'll do anything-"

He stepped closer still, his eyes flashing red in the lamplight. "Stand aside - stand aside, girl."

Lily faced him, taking a deep, slow breath. Save him, she thought desperately. Save Harry. She set her jaw and stretched her arms wide again in an unconscious echo, had she known it, of her friend Alice's favourite Keeper stance.

Voldemort was now so close that she could almost feel his wand against her breast. She watched him, but her thoughts focused on Harry, silent behind her in his cot. Save him!

"Now!" Voldemort demanded, and waited no longer. Lily took a breath-

Save him.

Touch the face of the stars

Dear Harry,

I really hope I'm there to see the look on your face when the post owl delivers this letter, because I think you'd make me laugh, and I could do with that at the moment. But whether I am or not, I need to wish you a very happy seventeenth birthday!

You can't even walk at the moment, and your favourite word is 'Dada'. Your favourite game is 'Row, row your boat', and you love it when Daddy does the animal noises in 'Old MacDonald had a farm'. Already, you've got so much personality that I feel like my heart's going to burst with love when I look at you, and when you smile at me I'm so happy that I want to cry.

We're going through a pretty difficult time at present, and I have to tell you that you are doing a great job of single-handedly keeping your parents sane - and entertained, which is an equally big challenge in the circumstances.

When I imagine you at seventeen, I'm both terrified and excited. You're going to be a great Quidditch player, you know. It's in your genes: the Potters have always been sporting stars, or so your dad tells me. Although I probably shouldn't listen to him; he's a terribly boaster. Anyway, I want to know so much about you. Does your hair still have a life of its own? What's your favourite school subject? Do you have a girlfriend? What's she like? Does she love you, and do you love her? Who are your friends? You are your father's son, my darling, and I can tell you that means you'll have many wonderful, loyal friends throughout your life.

Don't feel too bad if we're no longer with you, Harry. As your Uncle Sirius once said, some things are worth dying for, and if we die fighting Voldemort, I can promise you, it will have been worth it to us if it meant that you got to live and to be free. If we're not around, for that reason or any other, know that we did our best to live, to be joyous and free, and to create a better, happier, less prejudiced world for you and your friends.

All my love. Seventeen years' worth, from nearly sixteen years in the past. Take care, darling.

Your loving mother and biggest fan,

Lily