FIC for: such_heights
Title: Touch the Face of the Stars
Recipient: such_heights
Fic or Art: Fic
Rating: PG-13 for adult themes
Characters: Lily, James, others of that generation
Warnings: Character death
Summary: Lily tries to work out what is worth living - or dying - for.
Notes: Written for such_heights, who likes character-driven stories and Lily. I hope you like this, too :-). Thank you to the lovely D for beta-reading. The title and the last two section headings are taken from the Loreena McKennitt song 'Dante's Prayer'. The section heading 'Care for them and help them take their place' comes from the Anglican baptismal service. Some dialogue is quoted from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
All your dreams come true
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
8 September 1971
Dear Mum and Dad,
I can't believe it's Wednesday and I haven't had a minute to write to you yet! Everything is brilliant here, although very strange. There are ghosts and all sorts! The ghosts aren't scary, though, except for one, so don't worry. One of them even showed me where to find the Transfiguration classroom yesterday when I got lost.
Lessons are hellishly good! Transfiguration is turning things into other things, and there's Charms, which is spells to move things around, I think. I lifted a feather today. By magic, I mean. It's harder than you'd think! Then there's Potions, which I think is like Domestic Science for wizards (only the boys have to do it, too, not like in Petunia's class) and Herbology, which is gardening. We have our first flying lesson tomorrow. I can't wait to fly like the people in Gobbolino the Witch's Cat!
Most people have magical parents and houses and things, so everything they know is magic. That must be really weird, like living in a fairytale. Some of them call me names because I'm not a pure witch, but there are plenty of people like me, too. My best friend is called Emmeline, and she's from Wales, so she's got a funny accent, but she's really nice. Today we both did better in Charms than these three pure-blood boys in our house, and they were furious. One of them tried to put a spell on me, so I got angry and set his hair on fire. I didn't exactly mean to, but it was funny, at least it was once I worked out how to put out the flames.
We have houses here, like Petunia's school, only they're named after famous wizards and witches instead of Captain Cook and people like that. I'm in Gryffindor, after Godric Gryffindor, one of the people who founded the school. Nobody seems to know much about him, except that he was valiant and brave. I'm going to be just like him.
Love,
Lily
It's not like you haven't seen it before, but
On Hallowe'en, Lily left The Three Broomsticks early on the pretext of needing something from the Post Office. Emmeline and Stephen Prout of Ravenclaw had been looking increasingly intimate, and she felt it was only fair to leave them in peace for a while. Avoiding the main road, which was teeming with students, she ambled through the twilit backstreets, breathing in the scent of dead leaves and relishing her solitude.
When she heard a succession of small bangs, she looked around for the fireworks. If any of the kids had let those off, she'd have them in detention for a week!
Afterwards, she was never sure of the order in which events unfolded. Screams erupted, and a man yelled in despair. Above her loured, not the smoky-glittery light of fireworks, but a grinning skull picked out in dull green vapour. Lily sprinted down the street towards it, until she reached the small section of grass on the northern fringe of the village.
On the green, Eliza Fenchurch, the seventh year Hufflepuff prefect, and a young man Lily couldn't place were battling several figures wearing white masks that were beginning to look horribly familiar. Eliza's friend Annie was sprawled at her feet.
Without thinking, Lily charged into the fray, attacking the Death Eater closest to her and distracting him from Eliza just as James Potter hurried from a cross-street and began throwing both fists and hexes at anyone not in school uniform. A sixth year Slytherin prefect hurried towards them with his wand out, lips already forming his first incantation, and Lily glimpsed a group of younger students hovering on the opposite pavement.
"Stay back!" she called sharply. "Lisa! All of you, go back to The Three Broomsticks. Tell everyone there to get back to school. Now!" She didn't wait to check that her order was obeyed, because a curse brushed the hand that she'd been gesturing with. She cried out in shock, but there was no time for pain; instead, she turned around and peppered her assailant with hexes. He swore and dodged around to the other side of the green, presumably looking for an easier target.
Lily had never expected a battle to be so noisy and confusing. People were slipping on the mud churned up by running feet and the impact of magic. There were bangs and sizzles as various spells connected with their targets. Potter and Hopkirk, the Slytherin who had joined them, were yelling instructions to one another. Eliza was sobbing loudly in between shrieking frantic incantations which had little effect on the Death Eater with whom she was duelling, a heavyset man with blonde hair straggling past his mask. Lily had no time to do more than glance at Annie, horribly still amid the chaos, because one of the masked figures called out in a voice that she almost recognised.
"Another Mudblood - the ginger girl!"
A very tall Death Eater turned towards her instantly. The commotion did not seem to affect him; he moved sinuously through the storm of spells that jigsawed the green, slipping one way and then the other to avoid crossfire.
"Impedimenta," called Lily, and then, "Stupefy!" The man blocked her attacks, barely pausing in his advance towards her. She repeated the incantations and followed them up with several more, but he merely continued walking. Why didn't he bloody attack her? "Stupefy!" she yelled again.
His laughter, barely audible over the yells and bangs, was like an icy wind at her back.
"Evans!" Potter yelled, his Head Boy badge glinting in the eerie light cast by all the magic. Perhaps he had witnessed her fruitless attempts to defend herself, because he threw himself towards the masked man, shoving him aside. "Evans, get out of here, you do not want to be here, get aw-" His voice cut off as the man he was grappling with Stunned him and he fell heavily onto the grass.
"Fool!" The man's voice was tight with cold fury. He turned towards Lily once more, and she raised her wand - there would be time to worry about Potter later - but suddenly the air was full of loud pops as Aurors Apparated all around them.
The Death Eater called out, "Retire! Fall back; we've done what we came for." He inclined his head towards Lily, and again she felt a wave of coldness that had nothing to do with the chilly evening. Who on earth was he?
"Until next time, Mudblood." He Disapparated, leaving his fellow Death Eaters to do likewise.
Potter had not moved, and Lily crouched at his side. "Potter?" Damn, why did he always have to be so rash? He was brave, yes, but utterly wrong-headed at times. "Potter!" She took a deep breath and pointed her wand. "Rennervate." Potter stirred, his eyes fluttering open, and she closed her eyes in relief.
A moment later, he was sitting up and brushing mud from his coat, his face fuzzy as if he'd just woken from a deep sleep. "Were you worried about me, Evans?" he asked muzzily. He looked very pale, but otherwise just as usual.
"Idiot," she retorted, setting his glasses straight. She was still too shaken by her encounter with the tall Death Eater to be patient with his banter.
"Hey!" He rubbed his forehead. "I just saved-"
"I know," she interrupted. "Thanks. Honestly, thanks."
He looked up at her, and for once his expression was perfectly serious. "Lily, do you realise who that was?"
"No." She thought carefully. "I mean, I thought I recognised one of the other voices, but not his." She remembered the strange effect that the Death Eater had had on her and shivered. "Are you all right to stand up now?" She put her hand in his and began pulling him to his feet.
"That was him," he said seriously. "Lily, you're going to have to be bloody careful after this."
They stared at one another, and then jumped as someone swore loudly behind Potter. Lily looked past him and saw that a crowd had gathered around Eliza, Annie and the unknown young man. Wordlessly, she pulled Potter across to them.
"You can cure her, can't you?" the young man, whom Lily belatedly recognised as a Hufflepuff who'd left the previous year, was saying in a monotone. "She'll be all right, won't she, a few days in St Mungo's and she'll be better, she will, won't she?"
The Auror who had been bending over Annie looked up and shook his head reluctantly. "I'm so sorry," he said. "She's gone. There's nothing doing with that spell."
Eliza collapsed into the mud beside Annie, still weeping uncontrollably; a female Auror bent down to comfort her. The ex-student swore and knelt down beside her. "It should've been me," he said blankly, "I'm the one who was going out with a Muggle-born. I shouldn't have put her in that position." He brushed a strand of dark hair off the dead girl's face. "It's my fault."
"It's nobody's fault except for those damned Death Eaters," remarked another man with ruddy hair that clashed with his purple robes. He noticed Lily watching him, and straightened. "Ah, prefects. The Head Girl and Boy, no less! Listen, you need to take this lot back to the school." He gestured at the growing crowd of students, many of whom were sobbing and showing signs of panic. "We'll bring these three along." He glanced down at the couple crouching beside Annie. "What's your name, love?"
"She's Eliza," said Lily, when the younger girl showed no sign of having heard him. "I don't rem-"
"I'm Julius Wellesley," the young man put in. He was getting paler by the second, as if the shock was only just sinking in.
Lily nodded at him, lost for anything to say, and glanced at Potter, who straightened and walked confidently towards the huddle of onlookers. "All right, everybody," he called. "The Death Eaters are long gone; there's nothing to be afraid of any more. We're going to walk back to school together. Prefects!" He looked at Hopkirk, who nodded. "Help the younger students, please. Everyone get into pairs, and nobody leave the path for any reason, got that? We'll pick up any stragglers as we go through the village. You go at the front," he added to Lily, "and I'll follow on behind."
She nodded at him and began rounding up the people nearest the path back to Hogwarts, claiming three shivering third year girls to keep her company at the front. Just as they were about to start walking, Sirius Black came hurrying down the street and stared aghast at the green, where Eliza was being helped to her feet.
"What the hell happened?"
"Death Eaters," said Lily curtly. "I think Annie Lyall's..." She couldn't finish. "Help us get this lot back to school, will you, Sirius? Those kids in the middle of the line could do with someone to keep an eye on them."
"I'll be back soon," he said absently. "Got to find - need to check...sorry, Lily, bye." He sprinted back up the street, ignoring her indignant shout. She looked around, but Potter was still busy organising the back of the line; there was nothing for her to do but lead off towards school.
Be near me
It wasn't until much later, after each group of students had been delivered to their respective corridors and after Lily and James had completed interviews with the Headmaster, the Deputy Headmistress and two Aurors, that Lily had a chance to speak to James about Sirius's strange behaviour.
"I wondered about that," said James quietly as they walked back to Gryffindor Tower. "Sirius worries about-" He broke off. "Well, he feels responsible for - people."
Lily could think of only one person he might be referring to. "You mean he was looking for his brother? But surely he didn't think Regulus would be mixed up in that, did he? He's too young!"
James brushed his hair off his forehead self-consciously. "I shouldn't think he was, no," he said carefully. Lily stared at him, but he looked resolutely down the corridor.
"God." Unexpectedly, tears started in her eyes and she blinked hard. "This is all so horrible. So pointless, and that just makes it more awful. Poor Annie, all she did was go out with a pure-blood who they happened to be keeping an eye on...What are those bloody idiots thinking about?"
"Nothing." James's bitter tone shocked her. "They're not thinking at all. They're like children carried away by romance, playing games with death." He caught her staring at him and shrugged. "Or so my dad used to say." His hand brushed hers briefly, his fingers leaving warm traces on her skin. "Come on," he said, "it's about time the Head Girl got to relax, don't you think?"
She looked up at him suspiciously. "What do you have in mind?"
"Nothing too terrible," he said. "Just a quiet butterbeer in your study before you go back to being all responsible again in the Common Room."
"Maybe I could manage that," she said with a wan smile. His grin lit up his face, and she wondered at the way her heart lurched even after everything that had happened that day.
They were so happy for you
When Lily stepped through the portrait hole, she could tell that everyone in the Gryffindor Common Room knew about her parents' murders. Every conversation halted briefly; everyone carefully did not look in her direction.
James and Emmeline were seated by the fire, along with the rest of the seventh years. Emmeline looked as if she'd been crying. Both rose at the same moment; they looked at one another, and then Emmeline sat down again, throwing a tiny smile in Lily's direction.
It couldn't have been, but it seemed much longer than a few seconds before James took her hands and gazed dumbly down at her.
"I'm all right," she said and realised how silly that sounded. "Well, I'm not. But. It's all-" She gave up. "Going up to my room for a bit."
"But I can't follow you there." His eyes were anguished behind his glasses.
"I know." She looked up at him, and then away. "I - I do want to. Be with you. But I just need to be by myself first."
He nodded, his hands holding hers tightly. "I'll wait here," he promised. "Whenever you're ready, I'll be here for you." He kissed her forehead, and she had to pull away because if she let him get any closer, she'd burst into tears right there in front of everyone, and she thought if that happened she might never be able to stop. She pressed her lips to his and hurried across the room, tears already spilling over as she ran up the stairs.
Being grown up
The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix are located...
As they followed Professor McGonagall into the parlour, James gave Lily a confident smile that did nothing to reassure her, clutched her hand and strode to greet Sirius, whose tense expression dissipated into delight when he saw them. The two men shook hands heartily but confined their conversation to a murmur. Even they, it seemed, were overawed by their first meeting as members of the fabled Order of the Phoenix.
Lily hugged Sirius and then felt herself seized from behind. Her hands went involuntarily to her belly, even as she realised the identity of her assailant.
"Peter!" She turned to hug him, feeling obscurely guilty. "You too?" Across the room, she saw Professor McGonagall chatting amiably to a couple she didn't know.
"Yeah!" Peter's smile was half terror, she thought, and half enthusiasm. "All of us together. It's brill, isn't it?"
"No Remus?" she asked indignantly. Had the Order decided that he wasn't trustworthy?
"Remus is, in fact, a trusted operative," said Professor Dumbledore's voice behind them; Lily and Peter jumped. "He is currently working on my behalf, although I hope you will see him later."
"Professor!" Lily hesitated only a second before throwing her arms around the old man, who returned her embrace with interest. She smelled lemons on his breath, and suddenly the world didn't seem like such a terrifying place to bring a child into after all. "Thank you so much for trusting us," she said earnestly. "We can't wait to do our bit."
Dumbledore smiled, and only when recalling the encounter afterwards did she wonder at the sadness that tinged his expression. "It is my very great pleasure to have you here, Lily," he said. "All of you." He opened his arms to encompass James, Peter and Sirius, who were listening. "Now," he added, "we have much to discuss."
Worthy of the cause, or a cause worth dying for
"Dumbledore was pretty serious, wasn't he?" remarked Sirius as they made their way to The Three Broomsticks for a post mortem. "All that, 'This is not a responsibility to be undertaken lightly,' and 'There may come a time when you will be asked to give your life to our cause'.'"
"Yeah, I hadn't counted on that," put in Peter, who looked rather pale. "I thought it'd be like being an Auror, only a bit safer, because Aurors sometimes die in the-"
"That's because you're an idiot, Wormtail," said Sirius. "Of course we have to be prepared to die. Didn't McGonagall say that when she told you about the Order?"
"She didn't," Peter said resentfully. "I mean, she's never talked to me about that. It was Gideon Prewett. He lives near my mum, see."
They filed into the pub and found seats near the bar. "Right," announced James, "Ogden's Old Peculiars all round, I reckon, with a whisky chaser. Any idea what time Remus is turning up, Sirius?"
Lily caught his arm as he turned to the bar. "No celebrations, remember?" she said, so quietly that only he could hear. "Nothing that could give away what we've been doing."
James kissed her quickly. "I thought you knew what this lot were like." He grinned. "This is how we start off an ordinary Saturday night, my darling. I'll let you off with a butterbeer, though." His eyes drifted downwards, and his kiss was tenderer this time, his hand tight around hers. "Just in case."
She smiled at him and turned back to the table, where Sirius and Peter were still wrangling.
"I think it would be worth it," Sirius said decisively. "If I can stop - help stop those idiots doing what they're doing," his eyes flicked over Lily self-consciously, "then I think it would be worth it. I wouldn't want to - I mean, I'm not going to volunteer, or anything - thanks, James!" He accepted a steaming mug of ale and took a hearty swig. "Ah! But if it happens, well, I hope I'll have the courage to do what's right."
"So do I," said Peter, but he did not look happy. "I'm just not sure I will."
And I'm worried that we're all being completely stupid, thought Lily. She realised that her hand had crept to her belly yet again, and placed it firmly on the table.
Apart from not yet being sure whether she was pregnant, she wasn't sure whether she wanted to be, either. It wasn't that she didn't want a baby. Just thinking of the life that might be unfolding inside her filled her with emotions so complex that she couldn't articulate them, although 'joy' came close. But the idea of having a baby now, when Voldemort was more powerful than ever, when Muggle-borns like her were walking targets, seemed criminally negligent in some ways. And to join the Order of the Phoenix, on top of all that...
But Sirius was right, wasn't he? This was a cause worth fighting for, and - if it came down to it - dying for. Wasn't it?
Lily folded her hands over her belly and listened to the debate.
Guaranteeing the future
"Are we being completely stupid, do you think?" she asked Alice Longbottom a few months later when they were relaxing after the Muggle coffee-morning they'd been keeping an eye on.
Alice sipped her tea and sighed with pleasure. "Ah, that's better. For this, you mean?" She patted her bump gently, and Lily nodded.
"No," said Alice decisively. "No, I don't. I mean, it's not exactly an ideal time to have a baby, I know that. But how else are we going to get through this if we don't live? The only way we can get through this is by living, by fighting what Voldemort stands for. If we don't do that, then what's the point?"
"I just worry," said Lily, warming her fingers around her cup. "What kind of world are we bringing them into? What awful things are they going to face that we couldn't prevent?"
Alice shrugged. "Frank's mother couldn't prevent him being bullied when we were at Hogwarts, and" - she grimaced - "at the other end of the scale, Annie Lyall's mother couldn't prevent her daughter's murder. There's nothing we can do to guarantee our children's happiness. All we can do is try our best to help them live, and live well." She laughed self-consciously. "Listen to me, I sound like a right old philosopher."
Lily smiled at her gratefully. "You're a wise old philosopher," she countered.
"Oi! I'm not that much older than you, you cheeky monkey." But Alice's round face was smiling again; then she looked at the clock and sighed. "I'd better get off. I'm working this afternoon and I think Moody's got plans for us. I'll see you on Monday, all right?"
Lily nodded and stood up. "I've got to get going, too. I said I'd report in before I go home." They made their way out onto the dim street and trudged off through the rain in opposite directions. As she walked, Lily pondered Alice's words. The only way we can get through this is by living.
The rain intensified; she pulled her coat more tightly around her and sped up. The sooner she got to headquarters, the sooner she could get home to James.
Care for them and help them take their place
Harry was a week old when he was christened. "Of course, nothing's going to happen to us," James had said too heartily when they'd discussed the matter with Sirius, "but it's common sense to make sure that we've got someone in place, just in case."
There was no 'just in case' about it. The deaths of Gideon and Fabian Prewett, of various Aurors and Death Eaters, the disappearance of quiet Dorcas Meadows only a week earlier, bore testament to that. Lily and James had encountered Voldemort himself for the second time four months previously, escaping narrowly thanks to the arrival of Alice and her husband Frank. After that, Professor Dumbledore had insisted that Lily and Alice stay away from confrontations, which had meant several frustrating months of Muggle-watching and research work.
Petunia did not come to the christening, and Lily was surprised to find that she didn't mind. She couldn't blame her sister, really, for wanting to stay far away from the people who had murdered their parents. Besides, Petunia's little boy was only five weeks old; no doubt, Lily thought with her newfound awareness of motherhood, he was her first and only priority.
She gazed around the old stone church, lined with sarcophagi dating back eight hundred years, while the vicar talked of youth and hope and faith. Harry slept as Lily, James and Sirius repeated their vows, waking only when the vicar made the sign of the cross on his forehead with holy water. His sleepy blinking charmed the elderly clergyman and elicited a chorus of 'Aahhhs' from the congregation, but all Lily could feel was terror at seeing her son in the arms of a stranger.
Into the marvellous light
Afterwards, James and Sirius got drunk on firewhisky, and Lily didn't have the heart to reproach them. They kept vigil in the living room late into the summer evening, the curtains charmed into transparency from the inside so that they could watch the sun set over the hill at the back of the house and - although none of them articulated the thought - keep an eye out for intruders.
Despite everything she'd imagined while she had been pregnant, Lily's own feelings about Harry had taken her by surprise. She knew James felt the same, and often caught him watching Harry with an expression that matched her own emotions: joy, fear and overwhelming love.
For all that, she certainly had not been prepared to deal with the adoration that Sirius showered on Harry. He turned up nearly every day, sometimes accompanied by Remus or Peter, but more often alone, bearing gifts of all kinds. His pièce de résistance was a miniature tricycle that bore a striking resemblance to his own black motorcycle, on which he constantly threatened, half-seriously, to take Harry for a ride.
As well as Sirius, the Potter home increasingly became a magnet for Remus and Peter, Emmeline and any girlfriends or boyfriends who happened to be around. The guests entertained Harry with varying degrees of awkwardness; the women brought food and the men alcohol, and the evenings were full of quiet happiness made all the sweeter by the sense that it could be snatched away at any moment.
Alice and Frank dropped in with their son occasionally, and the four of them had fun speculating on the adventures that Harry and Neville would have when they were old enough for Hogwarts. Neville would be Head Boy, they decided, and Harry would be Quidditch Captain and the best Chaser Hogwarts had seen for decades.
"Although they've got loads of time for that," James said cheerfully. "They'll have plenty of fun first. Be all over the castle and winding up the giant squid before Christmas in their first year, I bet." He bounced Harry on his knee in an effort to keep his questing fingers from his glasses. "And I'm not sure about this Head Boy business for Neville. He looks too much of a tinker to me."
Lily and Alice looked at one another and collapsed into giggles.
"What?" demanded James. He held Harry out to Lily. "Here. He wants his mum now, don't you, Harry? Time to pull Mummy's hair, eh?" He stared at Alice and Lily. "What on earth is so funny?"
"Oh, just listening to the pot calling the kettle black," remarked Lily as she took Harry into her arms.
A Herod for our time
"You mean - he's after Harry?" asked James incredulously. "And Neville? But why? Why would he worry about two babies? What harm could they do to him?"
Professor Dumbledore sighed. "I admit that they look perfectly harmless to me," he said. "However, Voldemort has never been the most rational of men, and now, when he is so close to taking power, he seems to have become increasingly paranoid."
"But that's it, exactly," put in Frank Longbottom. "He is close to taking power. We're losing this war one dead body at a time. I'm sorry," he said as Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak, "but it's true. And what sort of selfish idiots would we be if we left you and hid away at a time like this?"
"We have not lost yet." Dumbledore's voice was unusually stern. "Things look bad, yes, but there is hope in the darkest of moments. Recent developments have given me extra cause to believe in our success."
"What developments?" asked Frank bleakly. "The news that Voldemort's branching out into babies?"
"I have acquired another spy," answered Dumbledore, "and I think his information may prove extremely helpful."
James laughed bitterly. "Like the spy who's feeding details of our whereabouts to Voldemort?" He looked at Lily searchingly, as if trying to elicit an answer to an unspoken question, and added, "I agree with Frank. We can't possibly just give up and go into hiding."
Lily hugged Harry to her breast and looked across at Alice. She was biting her lip as she stared down at Neville, who was playing with her necklace.
I hope it will never come to this, but I must make it clear: our foes are deadly, our work dangerous, Dumbledore had once said, and There may come a time when you will be asked to give your life to our cause. Was this that time? But this wasn't her life they were talking about: it was Harry's. And what right did they have to make a choice for a child not old enough to walk yet?
"I can't force you, of course." Dumbledore sounded exhausted, and Lily suddenly wondered whether he'd even been to bed. "Ladies? You must have your say in this, of course."
Lily looked at him, and then at James, who was pacing lionlike around the study.
"We should go into hiding," she said firmly. James spluttered a protest, but she ignored him. "James, you can put your own life on the line, and I won't like it, but I'll put up with it. But you have no right to risk Harry's life."
Alice nodded slowly. "Lily's right," she said. "We're parents. Our first responsibility is to our children."
"If you don't agree," Lily added, because James still looked mutinous, "I'll take Harry and go into hiding without you." His hurt expression cut her to the heart. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'd much rather have you with us, but I will do it if I have to."
"I - I wouldn't leave you," he muttered. She held out her hand; he grasped it and sat down beside her. After a long moment, he looked up at Dumbledore. "Where do you suggest we go?"
Dumbledore picked up a quill and parchment. "There are several possibilities," he said. "There is a cottage which belongs to me, in a village called Godric's Hollow, in Herefordshire. It was left to me by the last remaining descendant of..."
The other side of happiness
In some ways, it was the sweetest time of all. Lily knew she loved James and that he loved her, but their time had always been spent with other people. Now she discovered that he was a wonderful storyteller, and rediscovered her own talent for self-sufficiency. They invented endless games in an effort to forget about the outside world, about Voldemort's encroaching power. One evening, they sat down separately and wrote letters to Harry, to be opened on his seventeenth birthday, and left them ready to post the next time Peter came with their food.
"Terribly morbid of us, really," James said as they lay entwined together that night, alternately laughing and sighing over Harry's infant snores, which rose from the nearby cot.
"Nah," murmured Lily. "Just imagine the look on his face when he gets them!"
James was silent for so long that she thought he'd fallen asleep when he spoke again. "I wish I knew we'd be around to see it."
She snuggled closer around him. "We can only do our best."
Take these crumbled hopes
"Lily, take Harry and go! It’s him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off-" James's last words were yelled; he was already halfway down the hall. Harry's gurgle of contentment when Lily picked up his carry-cot was drowned out by a loud bang that sounded like the front door being broken open. Damn. Oh, James! Oh, James, James, please be all right, she prayed.
Just as she hurried through the other doorway into the kitchen, she heard a loud, horribly final thud from the hall and swallowed a sob. Oh, James, my love, my darling, my... But there wasn't time for grieving, there wasn't time.
She kissed Harry's forehead as she reached the back door and began fumbling with the key, which seemed to be jammed. Footsteps sounded in the living room; she shook herself irritably and pointed her wand. The door burst outwards; the damp autumn night flowed inside just as her wand flew from her hand, and Lily gave a wail of frustration. She would have to try and stall him long enough for help (oh, Sirius, Sirius, why didn't you trust yourself?) to arrive.
She kissed Harry's smooth forehead one last time, and laid his carry-cot down on the counter next to the back door. His whimpering became an earnest wail, and not picking him up again was the hardest thing she'd ever done - until she turned around to face Voldemort and saw him unmasked for the first time.
He looked past her at Harry and smiled thinly. Lily threw herself towards him, forgetting all her initial revulsion at his appearance, and grabbed the front of his robes. "Not Harry! Not Harry! Please, I'll do anything-"
Voldemort brushed her off effortlessly, but she crawled straight back in front of him. In front of him and between him and Harry.
He frowned. "Stand aside. Stand aside, girl!"
"Not Harry," she gasped, Mum, Dad, James, but not Harry, not Harry, "not Harry, please, not Harry!"
His spell blasted her off her feet, but she scrambled upright and flung herself towards Harry this time, desperately shielding him, making herself as broad and solid as possible.
"Stand aside, you silly girl." The irritation was clearly audible now. Lily faced him, taking a deep, slow breath. Save him, she thought desperately. Save Harry. She set her jaw and straightened, arms out to each side in unconscious echo, had she known it, of her friend Alice's favourite Keeper stance.
Voldemort was glaring now, his eyes red as fire. "Stand aside," he ordered.
She looked at him, but her thoughts focused on Harry, bawling behind her in his cot. Save him!
"Now!" Voldemort demanded, and waited no longer. Lily took a breath-
Save him.
Touch the face of the stars
Dear Harry,
I really hope I'm there to see the look on your face when the post owl delivers this letter, because I think you'd make me laugh, and I could do with that at the moment. But whether I am or not, I need to wish you a very happy seventeenth birthday!
You can't even walk at the moment, and your favourite word is 'Dada'. Your favourite game is 'Row, row your boat', and you love it when Daddy does the animal noises in 'Old MacDonald had a farm'. Already, you've got so much personality that I feel like my heart's going to burst with love when I look at you, and when you smile at me I'm so happy that I want to cry.
We're going through a pretty difficult time at present, and I have to tell you that you are doing a great job of single-handedly keeping your parents sane - and entertained, which is an equally big challenge in the circumstances.
When I imagine you at seventeen, I'm both terrified and excited. You're going to be a great Quidditch player, you know. It's in your genes: the Potters have always been sporting stars, or so your dad tells me. But I want to know so much about you. Does your hair still have a life of its own? What's your favourite school subject? Do you have a girlfriend? What's she like? Does she love you, and do you love her? Who are your friends? You are your father's son, my darling, and I can tell you that means you'll have many wonderful, loyal friends throughout your life.
Don't feel too bad if we're no longer with you, Harry. As your Uncle Sirius once said, some things are worth dying for, and if we die fighting Voldemort, I can promise you, it will have been worth it to us if it meant that you got to live and to be free. If we're not around, for that reason or any other, know that we did our best to live, to be joyous and free, and to create a better, happier, less prejudiced world for you and your friends.
All my love. Seventeen years' worth, from nearly sixteen years in the past. Take care, darling.
Your loving mother and biggest fan,
Lily
Recipient: such_heights
Fic or Art: Fic
Rating: PG-13 for adult themes
Characters: Lily, James, others of that generation
Warnings: Character death
Summary: Lily tries to work out what is worth living - or dying - for.
Notes: Written for such_heights, who likes character-driven stories and Lily. I hope you like this, too :-). Thank you to the lovely D for beta-reading. The title and the last two section headings are taken from the Loreena McKennitt song 'Dante's Prayer'. The section heading 'Care for them and help them take their place' comes from the Anglican baptismal service. Some dialogue is quoted from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
All your dreams come true
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
8 September 1971
Dear Mum and Dad,
I can't believe it's Wednesday and I haven't had a minute to write to you yet! Everything is brilliant here, although very strange. There are ghosts and all sorts! The ghosts aren't scary, though, except for one, so don't worry. One of them even showed me where to find the Transfiguration classroom yesterday when I got lost.
Lessons are hellishly good! Transfiguration is turning things into other things, and there's Charms, which is spells to move things around, I think. I lifted a feather today. By magic, I mean. It's harder than you'd think! Then there's Potions, which I think is like Domestic Science for wizards (only the boys have to do it, too, not like in Petunia's class) and Herbology, which is gardening. We have our first flying lesson tomorrow. I can't wait to fly like the people in Gobbolino the Witch's Cat!
Most people have magical parents and houses and things, so everything they know is magic. That must be really weird, like living in a fairytale. Some of them call me names because I'm not a pure witch, but there are plenty of people like me, too. My best friend is called Emmeline, and she's from Wales, so she's got a funny accent, but she's really nice. Today we both did better in Charms than these three pure-blood boys in our house, and they were furious. One of them tried to put a spell on me, so I got angry and set his hair on fire. I didn't exactly mean to, but it was funny, at least it was once I worked out how to put out the flames.
We have houses here, like Petunia's school, only they're named after famous wizards and witches instead of Captain Cook and people like that. I'm in Gryffindor, after Godric Gryffindor, one of the people who founded the school. Nobody seems to know much about him, except that he was valiant and brave. I'm going to be just like him.
Love,
Lily
It's not like you haven't seen it before, but
On Hallowe'en, Lily left The Three Broomsticks early on the pretext of needing something from the Post Office. Emmeline and Stephen Prout of Ravenclaw had been looking increasingly intimate, and she felt it was only fair to leave them in peace for a while. Avoiding the main road, which was teeming with students, she ambled through the twilit backstreets, breathing in the scent of dead leaves and relishing her solitude.
When she heard a succession of small bangs, she looked around for the fireworks. If any of the kids had let those off, she'd have them in detention for a week!
Afterwards, she was never sure of the order in which events unfolded. Screams erupted, and a man yelled in despair. Above her loured, not the smoky-glittery light of fireworks, but a grinning skull picked out in dull green vapour. Lily sprinted down the street towards it, until she reached the small section of grass on the northern fringe of the village.
On the green, Eliza Fenchurch, the seventh year Hufflepuff prefect, and a young man Lily couldn't place were battling several figures wearing white masks that were beginning to look horribly familiar. Eliza's friend Annie was sprawled at her feet.
Without thinking, Lily charged into the fray, attacking the Death Eater closest to her and distracting him from Eliza just as James Potter hurried from a cross-street and began throwing both fists and hexes at anyone not in school uniform. A sixth year Slytherin prefect hurried towards them with his wand out, lips already forming his first incantation, and Lily glimpsed a group of younger students hovering on the opposite pavement.
"Stay back!" she called sharply. "Lisa! All of you, go back to The Three Broomsticks. Tell everyone there to get back to school. Now!" She didn't wait to check that her order was obeyed, because a curse brushed the hand that she'd been gesturing with. She cried out in shock, but there was no time for pain; instead, she turned around and peppered her assailant with hexes. He swore and dodged around to the other side of the green, presumably looking for an easier target.
Lily had never expected a battle to be so noisy and confusing. People were slipping on the mud churned up by running feet and the impact of magic. There were bangs and sizzles as various spells connected with their targets. Potter and Hopkirk, the Slytherin who had joined them, were yelling instructions to one another. Eliza was sobbing loudly in between shrieking frantic incantations which had little effect on the Death Eater with whom she was duelling, a heavyset man with blonde hair straggling past his mask. Lily had no time to do more than glance at Annie, horribly still amid the chaos, because one of the masked figures called out in a voice that she almost recognised.
"Another Mudblood - the ginger girl!"
A very tall Death Eater turned towards her instantly. The commotion did not seem to affect him; he moved sinuously through the storm of spells that jigsawed the green, slipping one way and then the other to avoid crossfire.
"Impedimenta," called Lily, and then, "Stupefy!" The man blocked her attacks, barely pausing in his advance towards her. She repeated the incantations and followed them up with several more, but he merely continued walking. Why didn't he bloody attack her? "Stupefy!" she yelled again.
His laughter, barely audible over the yells and bangs, was like an icy wind at her back.
"Evans!" Potter yelled, his Head Boy badge glinting in the eerie light cast by all the magic. Perhaps he had witnessed her fruitless attempts to defend herself, because he threw himself towards the masked man, shoving him aside. "Evans, get out of here, you do not want to be here, get aw-" His voice cut off as the man he was grappling with Stunned him and he fell heavily onto the grass.
"Fool!" The man's voice was tight with cold fury. He turned towards Lily once more, and she raised her wand - there would be time to worry about Potter later - but suddenly the air was full of loud pops as Aurors Apparated all around them.
The Death Eater called out, "Retire! Fall back; we've done what we came for." He inclined his head towards Lily, and again she felt a wave of coldness that had nothing to do with the chilly evening. Who on earth was he?
"Until next time, Mudblood." He Disapparated, leaving his fellow Death Eaters to do likewise.
Potter had not moved, and Lily crouched at his side. "Potter?" Damn, why did he always have to be so rash? He was brave, yes, but utterly wrong-headed at times. "Potter!" She took a deep breath and pointed her wand. "Rennervate." Potter stirred, his eyes fluttering open, and she closed her eyes in relief.
A moment later, he was sitting up and brushing mud from his coat, his face fuzzy as if he'd just woken from a deep sleep. "Were you worried about me, Evans?" he asked muzzily. He looked very pale, but otherwise just as usual.
"Idiot," she retorted, setting his glasses straight. She was still too shaken by her encounter with the tall Death Eater to be patient with his banter.
"Hey!" He rubbed his forehead. "I just saved-"
"I know," she interrupted. "Thanks. Honestly, thanks."
He looked up at her, and for once his expression was perfectly serious. "Lily, do you realise who that was?"
"No." She thought carefully. "I mean, I thought I recognised one of the other voices, but not his." She remembered the strange effect that the Death Eater had had on her and shivered. "Are you all right to stand up now?" She put her hand in his and began pulling him to his feet.
"That was him," he said seriously. "Lily, you're going to have to be bloody careful after this."
They stared at one another, and then jumped as someone swore loudly behind Potter. Lily looked past him and saw that a crowd had gathered around Eliza, Annie and the unknown young man. Wordlessly, she pulled Potter across to them.
"You can cure her, can't you?" the young man, whom Lily belatedly recognised as a Hufflepuff who'd left the previous year, was saying in a monotone. "She'll be all right, won't she, a few days in St Mungo's and she'll be better, she will, won't she?"
The Auror who had been bending over Annie looked up and shook his head reluctantly. "I'm so sorry," he said. "She's gone. There's nothing doing with that spell."
Eliza collapsed into the mud beside Annie, still weeping uncontrollably; a female Auror bent down to comfort her. The ex-student swore and knelt down beside her. "It should've been me," he said blankly, "I'm the one who was going out with a Muggle-born. I shouldn't have put her in that position." He brushed a strand of dark hair off the dead girl's face. "It's my fault."
"It's nobody's fault except for those damned Death Eaters," remarked another man with ruddy hair that clashed with his purple robes. He noticed Lily watching him, and straightened. "Ah, prefects. The Head Girl and Boy, no less! Listen, you need to take this lot back to the school." He gestured at the growing crowd of students, many of whom were sobbing and showing signs of panic. "We'll bring these three along." He glanced down at the couple crouching beside Annie. "What's your name, love?"
"She's Eliza," said Lily, when the younger girl showed no sign of having heard him. "I don't rem-"
"I'm Julius Wellesley," the young man put in. He was getting paler by the second, as if the shock was only just sinking in.
Lily nodded at him, lost for anything to say, and glanced at Potter, who straightened and walked confidently towards the huddle of onlookers. "All right, everybody," he called. "The Death Eaters are long gone; there's nothing to be afraid of any more. We're going to walk back to school together. Prefects!" He looked at Hopkirk, who nodded. "Help the younger students, please. Everyone get into pairs, and nobody leave the path for any reason, got that? We'll pick up any stragglers as we go through the village. You go at the front," he added to Lily, "and I'll follow on behind."
She nodded at him and began rounding up the people nearest the path back to Hogwarts, claiming three shivering third year girls to keep her company at the front. Just as they were about to start walking, Sirius Black came hurrying down the street and stared aghast at the green, where Eliza was being helped to her feet.
"What the hell happened?"
"Death Eaters," said Lily curtly. "I think Annie Lyall's..." She couldn't finish. "Help us get this lot back to school, will you, Sirius? Those kids in the middle of the line could do with someone to keep an eye on them."
"I'll be back soon," he said absently. "Got to find - need to check...sorry, Lily, bye." He sprinted back up the street, ignoring her indignant shout. She looked around, but Potter was still busy organising the back of the line; there was nothing for her to do but lead off towards school.
Be near me
It wasn't until much later, after each group of students had been delivered to their respective corridors and after Lily and James had completed interviews with the Headmaster, the Deputy Headmistress and two Aurors, that Lily had a chance to speak to James about Sirius's strange behaviour.
"I wondered about that," said James quietly as they walked back to Gryffindor Tower. "Sirius worries about-" He broke off. "Well, he feels responsible for - people."
Lily could think of only one person he might be referring to. "You mean he was looking for his brother? But surely he didn't think Regulus would be mixed up in that, did he? He's too young!"
James brushed his hair off his forehead self-consciously. "I shouldn't think he was, no," he said carefully. Lily stared at him, but he looked resolutely down the corridor.
"God." Unexpectedly, tears started in her eyes and she blinked hard. "This is all so horrible. So pointless, and that just makes it more awful. Poor Annie, all she did was go out with a pure-blood who they happened to be keeping an eye on...What are those bloody idiots thinking about?"
"Nothing." James's bitter tone shocked her. "They're not thinking at all. They're like children carried away by romance, playing games with death." He caught her staring at him and shrugged. "Or so my dad used to say." His hand brushed hers briefly, his fingers leaving warm traces on her skin. "Come on," he said, "it's about time the Head Girl got to relax, don't you think?"
She looked up at him suspiciously. "What do you have in mind?"
"Nothing too terrible," he said. "Just a quiet butterbeer in your study before you go back to being all responsible again in the Common Room."
"Maybe I could manage that," she said with a wan smile. His grin lit up his face, and she wondered at the way her heart lurched even after everything that had happened that day.
They were so happy for you
When Lily stepped through the portrait hole, she could tell that everyone in the Gryffindor Common Room knew about her parents' murders. Every conversation halted briefly; everyone carefully did not look in her direction.
James and Emmeline were seated by the fire, along with the rest of the seventh years. Emmeline looked as if she'd been crying. Both rose at the same moment; they looked at one another, and then Emmeline sat down again, throwing a tiny smile in Lily's direction.
It couldn't have been, but it seemed much longer than a few seconds before James took her hands and gazed dumbly down at her.
"I'm all right," she said and realised how silly that sounded. "Well, I'm not. But. It's all-" She gave up. "Going up to my room for a bit."
"But I can't follow you there." His eyes were anguished behind his glasses.
"I know." She looked up at him, and then away. "I - I do want to. Be with you. But I just need to be by myself first."
He nodded, his hands holding hers tightly. "I'll wait here," he promised. "Whenever you're ready, I'll be here for you." He kissed her forehead, and she had to pull away because if she let him get any closer, she'd burst into tears right there in front of everyone, and she thought if that happened she might never be able to stop. She pressed her lips to his and hurried across the room, tears already spilling over as she ran up the stairs.
Being grown up
The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix are located...
As they followed Professor McGonagall into the parlour, James gave Lily a confident smile that did nothing to reassure her, clutched her hand and strode to greet Sirius, whose tense expression dissipated into delight when he saw them. The two men shook hands heartily but confined their conversation to a murmur. Even they, it seemed, were overawed by their first meeting as members of the fabled Order of the Phoenix.
Lily hugged Sirius and then felt herself seized from behind. Her hands went involuntarily to her belly, even as she realised the identity of her assailant.
"Peter!" She turned to hug him, feeling obscurely guilty. "You too?" Across the room, she saw Professor McGonagall chatting amiably to a couple she didn't know.
"Yeah!" Peter's smile was half terror, she thought, and half enthusiasm. "All of us together. It's brill, isn't it?"
"No Remus?" she asked indignantly. Had the Order decided that he wasn't trustworthy?
"Remus is, in fact, a trusted operative," said Professor Dumbledore's voice behind them; Lily and Peter jumped. "He is currently working on my behalf, although I hope you will see him later."
"Professor!" Lily hesitated only a second before throwing her arms around the old man, who returned her embrace with interest. She smelled lemons on his breath, and suddenly the world didn't seem like such a terrifying place to bring a child into after all. "Thank you so much for trusting us," she said earnestly. "We can't wait to do our bit."
Dumbledore smiled, and only when recalling the encounter afterwards did she wonder at the sadness that tinged his expression. "It is my very great pleasure to have you here, Lily," he said. "All of you." He opened his arms to encompass James, Peter and Sirius, who were listening. "Now," he added, "we have much to discuss."
Worthy of the cause, or a cause worth dying for
"Dumbledore was pretty serious, wasn't he?" remarked Sirius as they made their way to The Three Broomsticks for a post mortem. "All that, 'This is not a responsibility to be undertaken lightly,' and 'There may come a time when you will be asked to give your life to our cause'.'"
"Yeah, I hadn't counted on that," put in Peter, who looked rather pale. "I thought it'd be like being an Auror, only a bit safer, because Aurors sometimes die in the-"
"That's because you're an idiot, Wormtail," said Sirius. "Of course we have to be prepared to die. Didn't McGonagall say that when she told you about the Order?"
"She didn't," Peter said resentfully. "I mean, she's never talked to me about that. It was Gideon Prewett. He lives near my mum, see."
They filed into the pub and found seats near the bar. "Right," announced James, "Ogden's Old Peculiars all round, I reckon, with a whisky chaser. Any idea what time Remus is turning up, Sirius?"
Lily caught his arm as he turned to the bar. "No celebrations, remember?" she said, so quietly that only he could hear. "Nothing that could give away what we've been doing."
James kissed her quickly. "I thought you knew what this lot were like." He grinned. "This is how we start off an ordinary Saturday night, my darling. I'll let you off with a butterbeer, though." His eyes drifted downwards, and his kiss was tenderer this time, his hand tight around hers. "Just in case."
She smiled at him and turned back to the table, where Sirius and Peter were still wrangling.
"I think it would be worth it," Sirius said decisively. "If I can stop - help stop those idiots doing what they're doing," his eyes flicked over Lily self-consciously, "then I think it would be worth it. I wouldn't want to - I mean, I'm not going to volunteer, or anything - thanks, James!" He accepted a steaming mug of ale and took a hearty swig. "Ah! But if it happens, well, I hope I'll have the courage to do what's right."
"So do I," said Peter, but he did not look happy. "I'm just not sure I will."
And I'm worried that we're all being completely stupid, thought Lily. She realised that her hand had crept to her belly yet again, and placed it firmly on the table.
Apart from not yet being sure whether she was pregnant, she wasn't sure whether she wanted to be, either. It wasn't that she didn't want a baby. Just thinking of the life that might be unfolding inside her filled her with emotions so complex that she couldn't articulate them, although 'joy' came close. But the idea of having a baby now, when Voldemort was more powerful than ever, when Muggle-borns like her were walking targets, seemed criminally negligent in some ways. And to join the Order of the Phoenix, on top of all that...
But Sirius was right, wasn't he? This was a cause worth fighting for, and - if it came down to it - dying for. Wasn't it?
Lily folded her hands over her belly and listened to the debate.
Guaranteeing the future
"Are we being completely stupid, do you think?" she asked Alice Longbottom a few months later when they were relaxing after the Muggle coffee-morning they'd been keeping an eye on.
Alice sipped her tea and sighed with pleasure. "Ah, that's better. For this, you mean?" She patted her bump gently, and Lily nodded.
"No," said Alice decisively. "No, I don't. I mean, it's not exactly an ideal time to have a baby, I know that. But how else are we going to get through this if we don't live? The only way we can get through this is by living, by fighting what Voldemort stands for. If we don't do that, then what's the point?"
"I just worry," said Lily, warming her fingers around her cup. "What kind of world are we bringing them into? What awful things are they going to face that we couldn't prevent?"
Alice shrugged. "Frank's mother couldn't prevent him being bullied when we were at Hogwarts, and" - she grimaced - "at the other end of the scale, Annie Lyall's mother couldn't prevent her daughter's murder. There's nothing we can do to guarantee our children's happiness. All we can do is try our best to help them live, and live well." She laughed self-consciously. "Listen to me, I sound like a right old philosopher."
Lily smiled at her gratefully. "You're a wise old philosopher," she countered.
"Oi! I'm not that much older than you, you cheeky monkey." But Alice's round face was smiling again; then she looked at the clock and sighed. "I'd better get off. I'm working this afternoon and I think Moody's got plans for us. I'll see you on Monday, all right?"
Lily nodded and stood up. "I've got to get going, too. I said I'd report in before I go home." They made their way out onto the dim street and trudged off through the rain in opposite directions. As she walked, Lily pondered Alice's words. The only way we can get through this is by living.
The rain intensified; she pulled her coat more tightly around her and sped up. The sooner she got to headquarters, the sooner she could get home to James.
Care for them and help them take their place
Harry was a week old when he was christened. "Of course, nothing's going to happen to us," James had said too heartily when they'd discussed the matter with Sirius, "but it's common sense to make sure that we've got someone in place, just in case."
There was no 'just in case' about it. The deaths of Gideon and Fabian Prewett, of various Aurors and Death Eaters, the disappearance of quiet Dorcas Meadows only a week earlier, bore testament to that. Lily and James had encountered Voldemort himself for the second time four months previously, escaping narrowly thanks to the arrival of Alice and her husband Frank. After that, Professor Dumbledore had insisted that Lily and Alice stay away from confrontations, which had meant several frustrating months of Muggle-watching and research work.
Petunia did not come to the christening, and Lily was surprised to find that she didn't mind. She couldn't blame her sister, really, for wanting to stay far away from the people who had murdered their parents. Besides, Petunia's little boy was only five weeks old; no doubt, Lily thought with her newfound awareness of motherhood, he was her first and only priority.
She gazed around the old stone church, lined with sarcophagi dating back eight hundred years, while the vicar talked of youth and hope and faith. Harry slept as Lily, James and Sirius repeated their vows, waking only when the vicar made the sign of the cross on his forehead with holy water. His sleepy blinking charmed the elderly clergyman and elicited a chorus of 'Aahhhs' from the congregation, but all Lily could feel was terror at seeing her son in the arms of a stranger.
Into the marvellous light
Afterwards, James and Sirius got drunk on firewhisky, and Lily didn't have the heart to reproach them. They kept vigil in the living room late into the summer evening, the curtains charmed into transparency from the inside so that they could watch the sun set over the hill at the back of the house and - although none of them articulated the thought - keep an eye out for intruders.
Despite everything she'd imagined while she had been pregnant, Lily's own feelings about Harry had taken her by surprise. She knew James felt the same, and often caught him watching Harry with an expression that matched her own emotions: joy, fear and overwhelming love.
For all that, she certainly had not been prepared to deal with the adoration that Sirius showered on Harry. He turned up nearly every day, sometimes accompanied by Remus or Peter, but more often alone, bearing gifts of all kinds. His pièce de résistance was a miniature tricycle that bore a striking resemblance to his own black motorcycle, on which he constantly threatened, half-seriously, to take Harry for a ride.
As well as Sirius, the Potter home increasingly became a magnet for Remus and Peter, Emmeline and any girlfriends or boyfriends who happened to be around. The guests entertained Harry with varying degrees of awkwardness; the women brought food and the men alcohol, and the evenings were full of quiet happiness made all the sweeter by the sense that it could be snatched away at any moment.
Alice and Frank dropped in with their son occasionally, and the four of them had fun speculating on the adventures that Harry and Neville would have when they were old enough for Hogwarts. Neville would be Head Boy, they decided, and Harry would be Quidditch Captain and the best Chaser Hogwarts had seen for decades.
"Although they've got loads of time for that," James said cheerfully. "They'll have plenty of fun first. Be all over the castle and winding up the giant squid before Christmas in their first year, I bet." He bounced Harry on his knee in an effort to keep his questing fingers from his glasses. "And I'm not sure about this Head Boy business for Neville. He looks too much of a tinker to me."
Lily and Alice looked at one another and collapsed into giggles.
"What?" demanded James. He held Harry out to Lily. "Here. He wants his mum now, don't you, Harry? Time to pull Mummy's hair, eh?" He stared at Alice and Lily. "What on earth is so funny?"
"Oh, just listening to the pot calling the kettle black," remarked Lily as she took Harry into her arms.
A Herod for our time
"You mean - he's after Harry?" asked James incredulously. "And Neville? But why? Why would he worry about two babies? What harm could they do to him?"
Professor Dumbledore sighed. "I admit that they look perfectly harmless to me," he said. "However, Voldemort has never been the most rational of men, and now, when he is so close to taking power, he seems to have become increasingly paranoid."
"But that's it, exactly," put in Frank Longbottom. "He is close to taking power. We're losing this war one dead body at a time. I'm sorry," he said as Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak, "but it's true. And what sort of selfish idiots would we be if we left you and hid away at a time like this?"
"We have not lost yet." Dumbledore's voice was unusually stern. "Things look bad, yes, but there is hope in the darkest of moments. Recent developments have given me extra cause to believe in our success."
"What developments?" asked Frank bleakly. "The news that Voldemort's branching out into babies?"
"I have acquired another spy," answered Dumbledore, "and I think his information may prove extremely helpful."
James laughed bitterly. "Like the spy who's feeding details of our whereabouts to Voldemort?" He looked at Lily searchingly, as if trying to elicit an answer to an unspoken question, and added, "I agree with Frank. We can't possibly just give up and go into hiding."
Lily hugged Harry to her breast and looked across at Alice. She was biting her lip as she stared down at Neville, who was playing with her necklace.
I hope it will never come to this, but I must make it clear: our foes are deadly, our work dangerous, Dumbledore had once said, and There may come a time when you will be asked to give your life to our cause. Was this that time? But this wasn't her life they were talking about: it was Harry's. And what right did they have to make a choice for a child not old enough to walk yet?
"I can't force you, of course." Dumbledore sounded exhausted, and Lily suddenly wondered whether he'd even been to bed. "Ladies? You must have your say in this, of course."
Lily looked at him, and then at James, who was pacing lionlike around the study.
"We should go into hiding," she said firmly. James spluttered a protest, but she ignored him. "James, you can put your own life on the line, and I won't like it, but I'll put up with it. But you have no right to risk Harry's life."
Alice nodded slowly. "Lily's right," she said. "We're parents. Our first responsibility is to our children."
"If you don't agree," Lily added, because James still looked mutinous, "I'll take Harry and go into hiding without you." His hurt expression cut her to the heart. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'd much rather have you with us, but I will do it if I have to."
"I - I wouldn't leave you," he muttered. She held out her hand; he grasped it and sat down beside her. After a long moment, he looked up at Dumbledore. "Where do you suggest we go?"
Dumbledore picked up a quill and parchment. "There are several possibilities," he said. "There is a cottage which belongs to me, in a village called Godric's Hollow, in Herefordshire. It was left to me by the last remaining descendant of..."
The other side of happiness
In some ways, it was the sweetest time of all. Lily knew she loved James and that he loved her, but their time had always been spent with other people. Now she discovered that he was a wonderful storyteller, and rediscovered her own talent for self-sufficiency. They invented endless games in an effort to forget about the outside world, about Voldemort's encroaching power. One evening, they sat down separately and wrote letters to Harry, to be opened on his seventeenth birthday, and left them ready to post the next time Peter came with their food.
"Terribly morbid of us, really," James said as they lay entwined together that night, alternately laughing and sighing over Harry's infant snores, which rose from the nearby cot.
"Nah," murmured Lily. "Just imagine the look on his face when he gets them!"
James was silent for so long that she thought he'd fallen asleep when he spoke again. "I wish I knew we'd be around to see it."
She snuggled closer around him. "We can only do our best."
Take these crumbled hopes
"Lily, take Harry and go! It’s him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off-" James's last words were yelled; he was already halfway down the hall. Harry's gurgle of contentment when Lily picked up his carry-cot was drowned out by a loud bang that sounded like the front door being broken open. Damn. Oh, James! Oh, James, James, please be all right, she prayed.
Just as she hurried through the other doorway into the kitchen, she heard a loud, horribly final thud from the hall and swallowed a sob. Oh, James, my love, my darling, my... But there wasn't time for grieving, there wasn't time.
She kissed Harry's forehead as she reached the back door and began fumbling with the key, which seemed to be jammed. Footsteps sounded in the living room; she shook herself irritably and pointed her wand. The door burst outwards; the damp autumn night flowed inside just as her wand flew from her hand, and Lily gave a wail of frustration. She would have to try and stall him long enough for help (oh, Sirius, Sirius, why didn't you trust yourself?) to arrive.
She kissed Harry's smooth forehead one last time, and laid his carry-cot down on the counter next to the back door. His whimpering became an earnest wail, and not picking him up again was the hardest thing she'd ever done - until she turned around to face Voldemort and saw him unmasked for the first time.
He looked past her at Harry and smiled thinly. Lily threw herself towards him, forgetting all her initial revulsion at his appearance, and grabbed the front of his robes. "Not Harry! Not Harry! Please, I'll do anything-"
Voldemort brushed her off effortlessly, but she crawled straight back in front of him. In front of him and between him and Harry.
He frowned. "Stand aside. Stand aside, girl!"
"Not Harry," she gasped, Mum, Dad, James, but not Harry, not Harry, "not Harry, please, not Harry!"
His spell blasted her off her feet, but she scrambled upright and flung herself towards Harry this time, desperately shielding him, making herself as broad and solid as possible.
"Stand aside, you silly girl." The irritation was clearly audible now. Lily faced him, taking a deep, slow breath. Save him, she thought desperately. Save Harry. She set her jaw and straightened, arms out to each side in unconscious echo, had she known it, of her friend Alice's favourite Keeper stance.
Voldemort was glaring now, his eyes red as fire. "Stand aside," he ordered.
She looked at him, but her thoughts focused on Harry, bawling behind her in his cot. Save him!
"Now!" Voldemort demanded, and waited no longer. Lily took a breath-
Save him.
Touch the face of the stars
Dear Harry,
I really hope I'm there to see the look on your face when the post owl delivers this letter, because I think you'd make me laugh, and I could do with that at the moment. But whether I am or not, I need to wish you a very happy seventeenth birthday!
You can't even walk at the moment, and your favourite word is 'Dada'. Your favourite game is 'Row, row your boat', and you love it when Daddy does the animal noises in 'Old MacDonald had a farm'. Already, you've got so much personality that I feel like my heart's going to burst with love when I look at you, and when you smile at me I'm so happy that I want to cry.
We're going through a pretty difficult time at present, and I have to tell you that you are doing a great job of single-handedly keeping your parents sane - and entertained, which is an equally big challenge in the circumstances.
When I imagine you at seventeen, I'm both terrified and excited. You're going to be a great Quidditch player, you know. It's in your genes: the Potters have always been sporting stars, or so your dad tells me. But I want to know so much about you. Does your hair still have a life of its own? What's your favourite school subject? Do you have a girlfriend? What's she like? Does she love you, and do you love her? Who are your friends? You are your father's son, my darling, and I can tell you that means you'll have many wonderful, loyal friends throughout your life.
Don't feel too bad if we're no longer with you, Harry. As your Uncle Sirius once said, some things are worth dying for, and if we die fighting Voldemort, I can promise you, it will have been worth it to us if it meant that you got to live and to be free. If we're not around, for that reason or any other, know that we did our best to live, to be joyous and free, and to create a better, happier, less prejudiced world for you and your friends.
All my love. Seventeen years' worth, from nearly sixteen years in the past. Take care, darling.
Your loving mother and biggest fan,
Lily