My mother greeted me, as is her custom on such occasions, with broadly opened arms and a hearty outburst of song. I had just arrived from a brief vacation to Disney's Animal Kingdom, and she was both glad to have me home and eager to have news of my trip. I began, as is my custom on such occasions, by complaining. The variety of wildlife was, I ( Read more... )

The ice-specked winter wind howls menacingly at our backs, falling on our forces like the barbed whips of a vicious master on the shattered spines of his helpless slaves. Months ago (how it seems years!), we marched proudly into Moscow with liberty and equality on our lips - now we crawl ingnominously away with the nauseating taste of horse flesh ( Read more... )

Last night I had the singular misfortune of dreaming. The substance of my dream was as follows ( Read more... )

Two years on and the war's been a disaster - we've been in a disorganized rout since the catastrophe at Salamis. Xerxes has relinquished control of the land army to General Hydernes, fleeing Athens himself via the Asiatic waterway. Our ship is overpacked with the King's bloated entourage, and the cruel howl of fate rides heavily on the wind; if we ( Read more... )

"Stop peeing on me ( Read more... )

I was enjoying my lunch at school in the customary fashion (that is, at a table) with my reporter friend Scoop, when a greasy young stranger slithered over. The grease on this particular character wouldn't have bothered me quite so much if it hadn't been coupled with a bristly, full blown moustache. It's a well known fact that anyone with a ( Read more... )

As I entered the library a couple of minutes ago, a stranger crept up alongside me and whispered, "Boy, that was weird, huh ( Read more... )

Work went reasonably well that day. By about five in the afternoon all of the sweets were in place (a fact which I, being a trained professional, could easily discern from the pictures of candy shelves I kept in my pockets). The Truffles had proven a bit of a challenge, but aside from that it was pretty smooth going. I received the appropriate ( Read more... )

Over the Winter holiday, I had the tremendous good fortune of landing a job rearranging candy shelves in drug stores. The work involved using insultingly obvious little blueprints called 'plan-o-grams,' which are really just pictures of shelves with candy on them. Apparently this is a highly valued skill in the merchandising world, because ( Read more... )

Affecting a bad British accent, an unshaven and altogether shabby looking Eldys stands behind his bedpost, situating himself as though he were preparing to lecture at a podium. Speaking into a peculiar statuette of a sailor made out of a coconut (a treasured gift from his sister purchased on one of her many vacations), he pretends to address the ( Read more... )