[fic post] Are You Somewhere
Title: Are You Somewhere
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst/Humor/Pre-slash
Pairings or Characters: Dean/Castiel, Sam, Bobby
Warnings: spoilers for 5.18, and blanket s5 spoilers
Word Count: 2425
Summary: Cas has grown on him since then. No, more than that. He's become part of the family. Coda to 5.18.
Author Notes: Originally, this was going to be another short coda/fix!it fic (around 850 words) and then I kept adding a little bit more and a little bit more until I couldn't stop, and eventually it just spilled out into this thing that (hopefully) conveys properly what I feel the Dean/Cas relationship has the potential to become, even with Dean being a jerk and Cas being angry. Also, "And So It Goes" is so their song. Just sayin'.
Are You Somewhere
Dean doesn't smile with Sam. He's back on the wagon, back to giving the finger to the man upstairs and his dick angels, and Zachariah is dead, so that's one obstacle out of the way. But the way the world works, they'll end up with three new ones by the end of the week.
And Cas is missing.
They still don't know what's happened to Adam. Whether Michael's using him as his angel condom or he's dead -- again -- and back in heaven, they have no idea. It nags at him, because he said he wasn't going to let the kid take his place, and he may have just gone and let him anyway.
Bobby looks relieved when the two of them walk in the door. They're tired, but in far better shape than they normally show up in on his doorstep.
"So what happened?" he asks and Dean fills him in.
His eyebrows go up when Dean explains about the saying 'yes' part and Michael showing up with Adam still trapped in the green room, but his guess as to what happened is as good as theirs.
Sam goes to bed, still a little sore from his brief hemorrhaging, and Bobby heads to his room to give Dean space, even if he doesn't actually hit the hay for another few hours. Dean stays in the kitchen, sitting at the table and tapping his fingers on his knee.
He stays up all night, but Cas never comes back.
Dean knows he's been a dick. He doesn't really have an excuse, and he doesn't blame Cas for beating him up, even if it had felt like his bones were splintering beneath his punches. But this isn't the first time he's been mean to the angel. Hell, a year and a half ago, he wouldn't have been upset if he never showed up again.
Got me out of hell? Okay, great. Thanks. Now go fuck yourself.
But Cas has grown on him since then. No, more than that. He's become part of the family. Not as close as Sam -- never, ever as close as Sam -- but Dean can do things with Cas he can't with anyone else. He can laugh. He can breathe. He can unwind and not focus on him and Sam being vessels, or the awful, awful future he got to see and promised he'd stop from ever happening. Until Cas started showing the worst signs of that future coming true.
Maybe that's why he got so angry when he really shouldn't have been, Dean thinks. Cas slowly losing his grace was the first step, and he couldn't really fix that. But Cas getting drunk? He should've seen that coming. He should've stopped him. And the bottle of aspirin wasn't such a great idea, either. It all led down that road. The road to constant highs and orgies and all other sorts of unangelic behaviors that really didn't suit him.
He had even sworn off the idea of taking Cas to another brothel, hilarious as that experience had been, to avoid that road.
And now, he's gone and done it. Dean hasn't just angered him, he's disappointed him, and that feels so much worse. Cas, with his unshakable, unwavering faith, doesn't believe in him any more. He's abandoned his home, his brothers and sisters, his Father, all for Dean, and now he doesn't have Dean -- or anything else -- to believe in and know that everything has been worth it.
After everything, Cas has stayed with him. Cas has become something just as irreplaceable as Sam or Bobby, a constant in his shitty, ridiculous life that he never realized was so terrifying to have missing until he was genuinely afraid he wouldn't come back. Not because he couldn't, but he because he simply didn't want to.
Dean stays up, waiting at the kitchen table, until the sun rises and light starts filling the room as Sam stumbles down the stairs. He moves to get a bowl out for cereal, but does a double take when he walks past Dean.
"Dude. Did you stay up all night?"
Dean doesn't say anything, staring at his hand on the table.
"... Any particular reason?"
Dean pushes up from his chair and starts stalking towards the stairs when Sam finally catches on.
"Did Cas come back?"
"No," he spits, and he sounds angrier than he is as he leaves Sam with his bowl of cornflakes.
He storms up the staircase and into his room, slamming the door before banging his fist against it, again and again. He doesn't care if Sam and Bobby can hear him, and he keeps at it until his knuckles are bleeding. When he finally stops, his whole body is shaking, and he feels sick to his stomach.
If Cas can't come back because he's trapped or dead or whatever, Dean will personally march right back into heaven if he has to and kill everything he sees until someone agrees to give him back.
If Cas doesn't come back, because he has nothing to come back for, Dean has no one to blame but himself.
~~~
Dean sleeps until two in the afternoon, and he still feels ill. He used to worry about Sam plenty in the past, but right now, thinking about Cas, he wonders if he's actually going to give himself an ulcer. Bobby doesn't say anything beyond a brief, "About time you woke up, princess," when he comes downstairs, and Sam just nods his head and goes back to one of the big books. Either they didn't hear him pounding on his door, or they're graciously not bringing it up.
Dean doesn't grab anything to eat and heads directly outside. He slides into the Impala and sits, key in the ignition, but can't bring himself to turn it on and just drive. It always makes him feel better, just cruising in his baby, no real direction in mind. But he knows if he leaves, Cas won't be able to find him, and so he doesn't.
He ends up not moving for nearly two hours. He wasn't keeping track, but Sam comes down and informs him, because he's worried, and Sam likes talking about these things when Dean would rather drive and forget everything.
"He'll come back, Dean. If he can."
"Yeah."
"I'm serious. He always does, right? So come on, get out of the car already."
Dean doesn't say anything, but he pulls the key out of the ignition and shoves it in his pocket.
"Dude, really. You're freaking us out with all your moping."
"I'm not moping."
"You so are."
Dean grunts and gets out of the car, ignoring Sam's smug expression.
"Shuddap."
~~~
Three more days go by, and no word from Cas.
No sign of Adam or Michael, either, but he's barely thinking of that right now. Sam and Bobby have definitely noticed Dean's attitude, and he can tell it's getting harder and harder for them to hold their tongues. He's gotten so irritable, he spends all of his time in his room or out in the junk yard, because if he's around anyone, he won't be able to stop himself from flipping out at them.
Sam calls to him, letting Dean know that he and Bobby are heading out to go grab some new books from a friend one state over. They'll be back in two days, but they don't bother warning Dean not to leave. They know he isn't going anywhere as long as Castiel is still MIA.
As soon as they're gone, Dean heads inside and sits back down at the kitchen table with a beer in his hand. He makes sure he can see the front door, even though Cas probably wouldn't bother with proper human etiquette and would just pop into the middle of the house if he decided to show up. He nurses his beer while thinking about what he'll say to the angel if he sees him again.
Oh, hey. You're back! That's awesome. Well, I just wanted to say sorry for being a huge douche. And, y'know, I've been worrying about you so much I'm pretty sure my stomach has several holes in it right now. So if you don't hate me, I'd love it if you could stick around and keep me company so I don't go crazy without you.
Yeah, that's great, just talk to him like a twelve-year old girl with a crush, he thinks to himself.
He's had plenty of time to think of what he'll say if Cas ever does come back, and he's noticed each scenario he imagines getting more and more like some girlfriend greeting her returning boyfriend after he found out she was cheating on him.
He is horrified by how accurate that example is, and drowns all thoughts of it with another three beers.
~~~
The next day, Sam and Bobby are still out, and Dean's sitting on the stairs, staring at the front door like a dog waiting for its owner to come home. It's about five in the afternoon when there's a sudden gust of wind indoors, and he looks to his right to see Cas standing in Bobby's living room.
His shirt is open, and carved into him is the angel disappearing spell. His face is bruised and his nose is still dripping blood, and though the rest of him is covered by clothes, Dean is pretty sure the it's just as beat up as his face.
Dean had spent the last twenty-four hours thinking of the first thing he'd say to Cas. It had turned into some unbelievably gushy confession of some sort that was embarrassing and horrifying by the seventeenth hour, and for a few terrifying, stifling seconds, he was afraid the words would actually start tumbling out of his mouth.
Instead, all he says is, "Jesus, Cas. So that's what you did with that box cutter."
Cas sways, and Dean realizes he's probably using the last of his strength to even stand up right now, and rushes over. Cas collapses against him, and he slowly carries him over to the bed by the windows. He grabs a chair and pulls it over to sit in, and he realizes he's hovering, but he knows Cas doesn't care.
"You son of a bitch," he laughs, because he's just so goddamn relieved, "Where have you been?" Dean can't stop himself from asking, even if Cas looks ready to go to pass out and not wake up for the next week or so.
"Recovering," he coughs, eyes shut.
"This is recovered?"
"I did not have enough energy to get myself here until a few moments ago."
"Oh." And then he pauses, registers that last sentence, and his eyes go wide. "You... You were going to come back?"
"Of course."
"Even after-- Even after what a--"
"An irritating, misguided, stubborn jackass you have been?"
"Right. That."
"Yes. I always intended to come back, if I was able."
"... Why?"
Because, really, Dean doesn't have any idea. Cas slowly blinks open his eyes and stares up at him, and Dean realizes he's being literally gazed into. Later, he's going to have to give Cas a talk about personal space and how looking into a person's soul is a little too far past his comfort zone for it to be okay, but right now, he's just too damn happy that the angel is even here to really mind at the moment.
"You are certain that everyone will eventually leave you, Dean."
And, okay, everyone knows that. Anyone who's been with him while some evil asshat has given a mocking victory speech has heard that sentence in some form or another. But when Cas says it, Dean knows he understands.
"But I will not."
"Even if I--"
"Slip back into your jackass ways and I have to beat you up again, yes."
The laugh that comes out of him is finally, truly relieved.
"Dean," Cas adds, eyes falling closed again.
"Yeah?"
"I have nowhere else to go."
Cas has admitted to that before, but not like this. He sounds sad and broken as he says it, and Dean knows exactly how that feels, so he reaches over and grabs the angel's hand and squeezes.
"You don't need anywhere else."
He's pretty sure the angel passes out after he says that, and he doesn't know if it's because he's relieved to hear Dean say it or just so exhausted he can't stay conscious anymore. Either way, with Cas asleep -- and when the angel is out, the angel is out -- it makes the next bit easier to say.
"Sammy and Bobby, they... They're all I've had. For a long time now. But you. You just won't leave me alone, so. Now you're stuck with me, too, got it?"
And he still sounds like a girl and he won't let go of Castiel's hand, but goddamnit, he's earned the right by now to be a little mushy. He can always blame Sam for influencing him, if need be.
~~~
Dean doesn't leave the angel's side the whole day, and when Sam and Bobby come back, they find him asleep in the chair beside the bed and Cas clean and bandaged up. Bobby rolls his eyes and wheels himself into the kitchen to make himself some coffee, and Sam laughs, because his brother is such a mother hen it's kind of ridiculous. Of course, there's a lot more to it than that, especially with Dean's recent behavior, but he's not ready to really think about that yet, so he grabs a blanket and covers his brother before heading upstairs to rest for a bit.
When Dean wakes up, Bobby tells him, "I'm happy your angel buddy is back in one piece and all, but we've got some work to do, so if you don't mind, make yourself useful and start readin'."
And Dean just smiles and looks down at the bed, because it's true. Cas is back. He remembers how angry and worried he'd been at the thought that he wouldn't come ever again, because Dean had failed him and stopped being his reason to bother fighting anymore. But even if it's just because he can't go anywhere else, Cas will always return.
But if Cas can't, because he's stuck somewhere or practically dead or doing all the dirty work for his stupid human friends again, the forces of heaven and hell combined can't stop Dean from getting him back.
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst/Humor/Pre-slash
Pairings or Characters: Dean/Castiel, Sam, Bobby
Warnings: spoilers for 5.18, and blanket s5 spoilers
Word Count: 2425
Summary: Cas has grown on him since then. No, more than that. He's become part of the family. Coda to 5.18.
Author Notes: Originally, this was going to be another short coda/fix!it fic (around 850 words) and then I kept adding a little bit more and a little bit more until I couldn't stop, and eventually it just spilled out into this thing that (hopefully) conveys properly what I feel the Dean/Cas relationship has the potential to become, even with Dean being a jerk and Cas being angry. Also, "And So It Goes" is so their song. Just sayin'.
Are You Somewhere
Dean doesn't smile with Sam. He's back on the wagon, back to giving the finger to the man upstairs and his dick angels, and Zachariah is dead, so that's one obstacle out of the way. But the way the world works, they'll end up with three new ones by the end of the week.
And Cas is missing.
They still don't know what's happened to Adam. Whether Michael's using him as his angel condom or he's dead -- again -- and back in heaven, they have no idea. It nags at him, because he said he wasn't going to let the kid take his place, and he may have just gone and let him anyway.
Bobby looks relieved when the two of them walk in the door. They're tired, but in far better shape than they normally show up in on his doorstep.
"So what happened?" he asks and Dean fills him in.
His eyebrows go up when Dean explains about the saying 'yes' part and Michael showing up with Adam still trapped in the green room, but his guess as to what happened is as good as theirs.
Sam goes to bed, still a little sore from his brief hemorrhaging, and Bobby heads to his room to give Dean space, even if he doesn't actually hit the hay for another few hours. Dean stays in the kitchen, sitting at the table and tapping his fingers on his knee.
He stays up all night, but Cas never comes back.
Dean knows he's been a dick. He doesn't really have an excuse, and he doesn't blame Cas for beating him up, even if it had felt like his bones were splintering beneath his punches. But this isn't the first time he's been mean to the angel. Hell, a year and a half ago, he wouldn't have been upset if he never showed up again.
Got me out of hell? Okay, great. Thanks. Now go fuck yourself.
But Cas has grown on him since then. No, more than that. He's become part of the family. Not as close as Sam -- never, ever as close as Sam -- but Dean can do things with Cas he can't with anyone else. He can laugh. He can breathe. He can unwind and not focus on him and Sam being vessels, or the awful, awful future he got to see and promised he'd stop from ever happening. Until Cas started showing the worst signs of that future coming true.
Maybe that's why he got so angry when he really shouldn't have been, Dean thinks. Cas slowly losing his grace was the first step, and he couldn't really fix that. But Cas getting drunk? He should've seen that coming. He should've stopped him. And the bottle of aspirin wasn't such a great idea, either. It all led down that road. The road to constant highs and orgies and all other sorts of unangelic behaviors that really didn't suit him.
He had even sworn off the idea of taking Cas to another brothel, hilarious as that experience had been, to avoid that road.
And now, he's gone and done it. Dean hasn't just angered him, he's disappointed him, and that feels so much worse. Cas, with his unshakable, unwavering faith, doesn't believe in him any more. He's abandoned his home, his brothers and sisters, his Father, all for Dean, and now he doesn't have Dean -- or anything else -- to believe in and know that everything has been worth it.
After everything, Cas has stayed with him. Cas has become something just as irreplaceable as Sam or Bobby, a constant in his shitty, ridiculous life that he never realized was so terrifying to have missing until he was genuinely afraid he wouldn't come back. Not because he couldn't, but he because he simply didn't want to.
Dean stays up, waiting at the kitchen table, until the sun rises and light starts filling the room as Sam stumbles down the stairs. He moves to get a bowl out for cereal, but does a double take when he walks past Dean.
"Dude. Did you stay up all night?"
Dean doesn't say anything, staring at his hand on the table.
"... Any particular reason?"
Dean pushes up from his chair and starts stalking towards the stairs when Sam finally catches on.
"Did Cas come back?"
"No," he spits, and he sounds angrier than he is as he leaves Sam with his bowl of cornflakes.
He storms up the staircase and into his room, slamming the door before banging his fist against it, again and again. He doesn't care if Sam and Bobby can hear him, and he keeps at it until his knuckles are bleeding. When he finally stops, his whole body is shaking, and he feels sick to his stomach.
If Cas can't come back because he's trapped or dead or whatever, Dean will personally march right back into heaven if he has to and kill everything he sees until someone agrees to give him back.
If Cas doesn't come back, because he has nothing to come back for, Dean has no one to blame but himself.
~~~
Dean sleeps until two in the afternoon, and he still feels ill. He used to worry about Sam plenty in the past, but right now, thinking about Cas, he wonders if he's actually going to give himself an ulcer. Bobby doesn't say anything beyond a brief, "About time you woke up, princess," when he comes downstairs, and Sam just nods his head and goes back to one of the big books. Either they didn't hear him pounding on his door, or they're graciously not bringing it up.
Dean doesn't grab anything to eat and heads directly outside. He slides into the Impala and sits, key in the ignition, but can't bring himself to turn it on and just drive. It always makes him feel better, just cruising in his baby, no real direction in mind. But he knows if he leaves, Cas won't be able to find him, and so he doesn't.
He ends up not moving for nearly two hours. He wasn't keeping track, but Sam comes down and informs him, because he's worried, and Sam likes talking about these things when Dean would rather drive and forget everything.
"He'll come back, Dean. If he can."
"Yeah."
"I'm serious. He always does, right? So come on, get out of the car already."
Dean doesn't say anything, but he pulls the key out of the ignition and shoves it in his pocket.
"Dude, really. You're freaking us out with all your moping."
"I'm not moping."
"You so are."
Dean grunts and gets out of the car, ignoring Sam's smug expression.
"Shuddap."
~~~
Three more days go by, and no word from Cas.
No sign of Adam or Michael, either, but he's barely thinking of that right now. Sam and Bobby have definitely noticed Dean's attitude, and he can tell it's getting harder and harder for them to hold their tongues. He's gotten so irritable, he spends all of his time in his room or out in the junk yard, because if he's around anyone, he won't be able to stop himself from flipping out at them.
Sam calls to him, letting Dean know that he and Bobby are heading out to go grab some new books from a friend one state over. They'll be back in two days, but they don't bother warning Dean not to leave. They know he isn't going anywhere as long as Castiel is still MIA.
As soon as they're gone, Dean heads inside and sits back down at the kitchen table with a beer in his hand. He makes sure he can see the front door, even though Cas probably wouldn't bother with proper human etiquette and would just pop into the middle of the house if he decided to show up. He nurses his beer while thinking about what he'll say to the angel if he sees him again.
Oh, hey. You're back! That's awesome. Well, I just wanted to say sorry for being a huge douche. And, y'know, I've been worrying about you so much I'm pretty sure my stomach has several holes in it right now. So if you don't hate me, I'd love it if you could stick around and keep me company so I don't go crazy without you.
Yeah, that's great, just talk to him like a twelve-year old girl with a crush, he thinks to himself.
He's had plenty of time to think of what he'll say if Cas ever does come back, and he's noticed each scenario he imagines getting more and more like some girlfriend greeting her returning boyfriend after he found out she was cheating on him.
He is horrified by how accurate that example is, and drowns all thoughts of it with another three beers.
~~~
The next day, Sam and Bobby are still out, and Dean's sitting on the stairs, staring at the front door like a dog waiting for its owner to come home. It's about five in the afternoon when there's a sudden gust of wind indoors, and he looks to his right to see Cas standing in Bobby's living room.
His shirt is open, and carved into him is the angel disappearing spell. His face is bruised and his nose is still dripping blood, and though the rest of him is covered by clothes, Dean is pretty sure the it's just as beat up as his face.
Dean had spent the last twenty-four hours thinking of the first thing he'd say to Cas. It had turned into some unbelievably gushy confession of some sort that was embarrassing and horrifying by the seventeenth hour, and for a few terrifying, stifling seconds, he was afraid the words would actually start tumbling out of his mouth.
Instead, all he says is, "Jesus, Cas. So that's what you did with that box cutter."
Cas sways, and Dean realizes he's probably using the last of his strength to even stand up right now, and rushes over. Cas collapses against him, and he slowly carries him over to the bed by the windows. He grabs a chair and pulls it over to sit in, and he realizes he's hovering, but he knows Cas doesn't care.
"You son of a bitch," he laughs, because he's just so goddamn relieved, "Where have you been?" Dean can't stop himself from asking, even if Cas looks ready to go to pass out and not wake up for the next week or so.
"Recovering," he coughs, eyes shut.
"This is recovered?"
"I did not have enough energy to get myself here until a few moments ago."
"Oh." And then he pauses, registers that last sentence, and his eyes go wide. "You... You were going to come back?"
"Of course."
"Even after-- Even after what a--"
"An irritating, misguided, stubborn jackass you have been?"
"Right. That."
"Yes. I always intended to come back, if I was able."
"... Why?"
Because, really, Dean doesn't have any idea. Cas slowly blinks open his eyes and stares up at him, and Dean realizes he's being literally gazed into. Later, he's going to have to give Cas a talk about personal space and how looking into a person's soul is a little too far past his comfort zone for it to be okay, but right now, he's just too damn happy that the angel is even here to really mind at the moment.
"You are certain that everyone will eventually leave you, Dean."
And, okay, everyone knows that. Anyone who's been with him while some evil asshat has given a mocking victory speech has heard that sentence in some form or another. But when Cas says it, Dean knows he understands.
"But I will not."
"Even if I--"
"Slip back into your jackass ways and I have to beat you up again, yes."
The laugh that comes out of him is finally, truly relieved.
"Dean," Cas adds, eyes falling closed again.
"Yeah?"
"I have nowhere else to go."
Cas has admitted to that before, but not like this. He sounds sad and broken as he says it, and Dean knows exactly how that feels, so he reaches over and grabs the angel's hand and squeezes.
"You don't need anywhere else."
He's pretty sure the angel passes out after he says that, and he doesn't know if it's because he's relieved to hear Dean say it or just so exhausted he can't stay conscious anymore. Either way, with Cas asleep -- and when the angel is out, the angel is out -- it makes the next bit easier to say.
"Sammy and Bobby, they... They're all I've had. For a long time now. But you. You just won't leave me alone, so. Now you're stuck with me, too, got it?"
And he still sounds like a girl and he won't let go of Castiel's hand, but goddamnit, he's earned the right by now to be a little mushy. He can always blame Sam for influencing him, if need be.
~~~
Dean doesn't leave the angel's side the whole day, and when Sam and Bobby come back, they find him asleep in the chair beside the bed and Cas clean and bandaged up. Bobby rolls his eyes and wheels himself into the kitchen to make himself some coffee, and Sam laughs, because his brother is such a mother hen it's kind of ridiculous. Of course, there's a lot more to it than that, especially with Dean's recent behavior, but he's not ready to really think about that yet, so he grabs a blanket and covers his brother before heading upstairs to rest for a bit.
When Dean wakes up, Bobby tells him, "I'm happy your angel buddy is back in one piece and all, but we've got some work to do, so if you don't mind, make yourself useful and start readin'."
And Dean just smiles and looks down at the bed, because it's true. Cas is back. He remembers how angry and worried he'd been at the thought that he wouldn't come ever again, because Dean had failed him and stopped being his reason to bother fighting anymore. But even if it's just because he can't go anywhere else, Cas will always return.
But if Cas can't, because he's stuck somewhere or practically dead or doing all the dirty work for his stupid human friends again, the forces of heaven and hell combined can't stop Dean from getting him back.