Primogeniture - Chapter 02: Second Son
Title: Primogeniture
Summary: Merlin is happy to dedicate his life and soul to Arthur when he comes to Camelot, even though he knows the dragon is wrong, and Arthur will never be king. How can he be, when he is the second son?
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4400
Pairings/Character: Arthur/Merlin, OMC
Warnings/Content: violence, non-con, dub-con, (forced) intoxication, (possible) incest
Beta: none
Notes: Written here for this prompt at kinkme_merlin.
~*~
Master Post
<< Previous Chapter
A few weeks later, Merlin was standing outside the council doors alongside Lancelot, and inside, Madog and Arthur were arguing over him.
"I should leave," Lancelot murmured. "You're the one who killed the griffin. And I will not be the cause of a rift between the two brothers."
Merlin shook his head. "You didn't cause it."
"But I widened it."
And yes - when Lancelot had lied to get into the knighthood, when Arthur had known and done nothing about it...Madog was furious. Uther was, too, though less for being fooled by a peasant and more for Arthur lying to him.
"Stay," Merlin pleaded.
Lancelot shook his head. He took a deep breath, looking like he was steeling himself for something, and barged into the council chambers.
Arthur and Madog were on opposite sides of the table, facing each other angrily, while Uther seemed to be presiding.
"What is the meaning of this?" Uther demanded.
And as Merlin stood there and listened to Lancelot refuse to continue lying and refuse to cause a rift between the brothers or among the knights and endanger Camelot in the process, Merlin wondered what use he was to Arthur when he couldn't even help one sodding knight, and how he was supposed to help a prince, and help a kingdom.
"Lancelot!" Arthur called when Lancelot turned to walk away. The now-knight-errant turned to Arthur. "You are a true knight, if not a knight of Camelot. Go with honor."
When Lancelot was gone, Madog said, "You truly believe such a liar could have honor?"
"He told one lie to circumvent one stupid rule!" Arthur cried out.
"Stupid rule?!" Madog shouted. "You would have us open the doors of knighthood to everyone?"
"Yes," Arthur ground out.
"Arthur," Uther snapped. "You know how dangerous this could be-"
"And how dangerous would it be if Lancelot hadn't been here? If he hadn't killed that damned griffin?" Arthur demanded, though his words were still directed at his brother.
Madog never answered. Uther dismissed them both.
~*~
The next few weeks are chaos. Arthur causes some disorder in the court when falling for that mysterious girl.
Merlin was rather surprised - not of her, but of Arthur's enthusiasm.
Because Arthur and romance...
"Who do you love, sire?"
"I love my father, I love my brother, I-"
"You know what I mean, Arthur. I know enough about nobles that no one ever loves who they're married to. Who would you court, go to for true romance?"
"I don't need true romance, Merlin."
"Everyone does...have you ever had an affair? Plenty of willing maidservants around."
"..."
"Arthur?"
"Once. A laundry maid, a while back. It...it didn't go well."
"What do you mean?"
"She was only interested in my looks and what my appearance could offer. I...I..."
"You what?"
"...I was hoping for...well, romance and sex are two different things, aren't they? I get enough sex - and the girl wasn't interested in romance."
"So the tumble was bad?"
"It's always bad."
"...no, it's-"
"It's overrated is what it is. Romance and love and sex are all overrated."
"There a part of being human."
"No - they're a part of being a person. You don't have to be a person to be a human."
...did not mix.
Arthur got enough of 'love' from the nobles Uther sold his son to, and Merlin knew Arthur hated the idea of chasing after other girls or boys or whatever he would be interested in...because he wasn't - Arthur was too scared and too broken to bother with being interested.
Seeing Arthur's isolation, induced by his father's hunger for power, made Merlin's blood boil - because no one should be made to fear love. And yet that's exactly what had happened to Arthur.
So Merlin, who had once pondered an advance on the prince, knew better than to try - at best, he would be rejected, and at worst, Arthur would fire him - for real, this time - and send him far away where he couldn't hurt Arthur.
When Sophia came and Arthur was head over heels in love and chasing after whole heartedly - Merlin was surprised, but happy, because finally, maybe Arthur was recovering, and he was smiling and happy and yes, love works, sex works, romance was real, and-
-it turned out to be a spell. A sidhe enchantment, and Merlin would've been sorely tempted to just leave the spell in place if it weren't for the fact the fairies were planning to kill Arthur.
Merlin hated the despondent look in Arthur's eyes a week later, when Uther let a lower noble than he usually allowed to have Arthur.
Something sacred turned into something hated.
Merlin continued to watch and protect and adore from afar.
~*~
"Stop, or I'll run you through."
Merlin was steadily panicking as he sat in his bed wondering what the hell to do, because Morgana had almost managed to escape with the Druid boy, but then Madog had to go and capture Morgana. She was currently locked up and so was the boy and Merlin just found out the boy was going to one day kill Arthur and, and, and-
"Merlin," Arthur said that evening.
"...he's a little boy," Merlin muttered. "Helpless." Merlin didn't know whether he meant the boy or himself.
Arthur sunk deeper into thought. "Helpless," he murmured
And days later, Merlin found himself thinking that maybe he wasn't loyal enough to Arthur if he was helping the boy live.
"His name is Mordred," Arthur said conversationally when they were safely back in his chambers. "Rather nice boy, actually."
Merlin nodded numbly, wishing he felt that he'd just made the biggest mistake of his life, instead of just knowing it.
~*~
The Black Knight finished off Sir Pellinore, and Merlin watched as he threw down the gauntlet again.
The knight was already dead, and would not stop until the knights of Camelot were no more.
Madog leaped up to take up the gauntlet and accept the challenge, when Uther held him back. "Let the knights of Camelot have the chance to prove themselves," he said blandly.
So, of course, Arthur took advantage of his father's distraction, jumped down, and picked up the gauntlet.
Merlin watched in horror as Arthur gazed at the dead man and said, "I accept your challenge."
Madog raged and Uther mourned, and Merlin wondered why the hell Arthur would do such a thing.
"You heard my father," Arthur said later. "To let the knights of Camelot prove themselves."
With the way Arthur was practicing his sword forms in his chambers, Merlin blurted out, "Your father's pride will be useless if you are dead."
Arthur froze, before slowly turning a cold gaze, ice cold, on Merlin.
"Get out."
Merlin had enough experience to do so, going instead to beg help from the dragon.
Considering how determined Arthur had been the night before, Merlin was rather shocked when Uther walked into the armory the next morning.
"Prepare me for battle," Uther said, ignoring Merlin's protests.
Merlin did so with shaking hands, watching in surprise as Uther took the sword, the sword meant for Arthur, and took it.
"You have shown admirable loyalty to my son," Uther said, testing out the blade. "That is a rare quality, especially as he is my second son."
"We...you could say we have a bond, sire," Merlin said, finishing up with the gauntlets.
"...I'm glad," Uther said, sword hand finally stilling. "He needs someone to look after him."
Merlin was caught between wanting to shout that Arthur isn't as useless as Uther thinks and wanting to be glad that that someone was him.
Uther walked out to his not-doom. Merlin followed, and saw Madog looking around the royal viewing box in confusion, which turned to horro when he saw his father, and-
The battle was quick. Apparently, Tristan wasn't the greatest of sword fighters while dead, and Uther landed a blow that with the magical sword actually killed the damn undead knight, this time.
Later, when Merlin was helping Uther get the armor off, he blurted out, "Why did you do this, sire? You're the king, and Arthur is...is only, the...second son. You..."
Uther took a deep breath. "Second son he may be - he is still my son."
And he left, and Merlin stared after him in amazement. He didn't think he'd ever understand the king, and now he was fairly certain he would never want to.
Later still, when he was throwing the sword in the lake, Merlin wondered at Arthur's willingness to die for his father's pride, and Uther's willingness to die for his son.
...they were an absolutely insane family.
~*~
Merlin found himself under Arthur's scrutiny, weeks later, on their way back from Ealdor. They were stopped for camp, that night. Gwen and Morgana were giving him some distance to let him mourn his best friend, but Arthur was remaining firmly pressed to his side.
"...you grew up with a sorcerer?" Arthur asked.
Merlin sighed. "I don't care what you think, sire, but Will's not dangerous, not to me. He's only ever helped, or tried to."
"Tried to?"
"...sometimes he messed up," Merlin said quietly. "But he always fixed it, one way or another."
He hated building more lies into Arthur's life, but he had no choice.
"He may not have had ill intentions, but he was powerful."
"So are you, and that hasn't stopped me yet."
"I'm not that powerful, Merlin, I had to defer to my father and my brother-"
"That's not what I was talking about," Merlin said. "You could kill me with your sword at any given moment and I'd be helpless." He wouldn't, actually, and would probably win, but that was beside the point. "And I'm still here. It seems I'm helpless wherever I go. At least Will was my best friend, and I knew he'd never hurt me."
It took him a moment to realize what he said, and once he did, he sorely wished he knew a way to turn back time.
"...I'm not your friend?" Arthur asked quietly, his voice badly masking a wretched tone.
"You're my master, and you're a Prince of Camelot. I'm just a servant."
There was more silence, before Arthur got up and went to his bedroll without another word.
Well, no - he said one thing. "Even if I'm not your friend, you're that of mine, and the best one I've ever had. And maybe the only true one."
And then he went to sleep.
Merlin couldn't look him in the eye the rest of the way home.
~*~
They eventually managed to get back to normal, just in time for Merlin to watch in horror as Arthur killed a unicorn. Couldn't the prat see what he had done?!
But of course he couldn't - his father's pride outshone everything else, and as Uther crowed about his son, his youngest, having killed a unicorn, Merlin knew that Arthur could see nothing else.
Until his people started starving.
And then, he was trying to sodding poison himself.
"You're the prince," Merlin said, as they poured the first goblet's contents into the second. "Camelot needs you."
"Camelot has my brother. The people need me to die," he said, and then with a lightening fast strike he took the goblet, drained it, and collapsed.
Even when it just turned out to be a sleeping drought, even when it all ended up being a test, even when they'd buried the horn and resurrected the unicorn in the process, Merlin pondered Arthur, and wondered how his father, his brother, and his kingdom, could all be so blind as to what they had before them.
~*~
Merlin watched in a concussive haze, Sidhe staff limp in his hands, as Tauren's body fell off Morgana's knife, his grip on Uther's throat slipping as he landed next to the unconscious Madog. At the last minute, Madog and Uther fought the assassin, but it's Morgana who killed him. Morgana, even after she set up this entire deal. Morgana, who had spent the last hour talking quietly with Uther, while Madog watched dispassionately.
He was in a bit of a confused daze as he stumbled back home. He pushed the staff under his bed and wandered up to Arthur's rooms.
It was still empty, inside - Arthur was still consoling Gwen, then. He was there when Arthur had argued with his brother, and won, to let Gwen stay, despite her father's crime. Madog distrusted her, especially around Morgana, saying the woman would never be able to defend herself.
Merlin's lips only quirked at the memory of Arthur reminding his brother that Morgana would have no compunctions about castrating him if she ever heard that.
He took a deep breath, and tried to shove away the memories of Morgana's attempted assassination, of Madog's attempted murder of the assassin, of Gwen's attempts to cope with her father's death, and of his own attempts to make things right.
Because that's all they were: attempts.
~*~
This time, it was in horror that Merlin watched as the monster - it looked like a Questing Beast, according to Gaius's books - approached the hunting party.
"Arthur, move!" he shouted. But Arthur could only go so fast with his half-conscious brother's body slung over his shoulder.
They managed a moment of respite long enough to get the Crown Prince back on his feet and supported by his knights, before Arthur turned and went after the Questing Beast.
"ARTHUR!" Merlin shouted as he ran after the stupid prat, because why the hell else would he go after the damn thing?!
He found Arthur in the cave, and heard the crown prince and the rest of the knights following around the mouth of the cave as he and Arthur waited for the Questing Beast to show itself.
"We need to get out of her, Arthur," Merlin hissed. "This thing's magic - one small wound, a scratch, and you're dead!"
"Then I can't allow this thing to live to terrorize the people!" Arthur hissed back equally, and then turned when the damned thing showed itself and-
Merlin could do nothing, nothing as he tried to heal Arthur. The beast ran away after injuring Arthur, and Merlin knew exactly what that meant: the beast was sure that Arthur was going to die.
~*~
Uther collapsed under the weight of carrying his son halfway across the courtyard, sobbing for all the people to see.
Madog took Arthur in his arms, a blank expression on his face as he turned and continued onto the path. Sir Leon helped the king to his feet for them to follow briskly.
That night, the Court of Camelot watched in shock as for the first time in almost a decade, Uther unleashed true fury on his golden son.
"You were supposed to protect him!"
"There wasn't much I could do once he ran after the damn thing!"
"You should have stopped him-"
"I was barely even conscious by then, I tried, but Arthur was too far ahead of us and goading the creature!"
And so on.
~*~
Later, in Arthur's room, closer to dawn than proper, Merlin was finishing up washing his unconscious prince when he heard Uther tell Madog, "Do you remember what I told you? When Arthur was born? When you asked why he came, as he took your mother away?"
"...that he was mine to protect."
For the first time, it was the eldest brother who had failed. He clearly didn't take well to failure, not as accustomed to it as Arthur.
Merlin could see it in the glares Madog sent towards his dying brother.
Finally, when Leon got Madog back to his own chambers and Gaius persuaded Uther to go get some rest, Merlin was left alone to tend to Arthur in his bed.
The price will be a life in order to save Arthur's.
"I'll get you well," Merlin murmured to Arthur's still form. "You'll be a great king. I don't know how, or when, but you will."
He almost ended it there, but remembering all the hardships Arthur had endured and would continue to endure once he was better, this time without Merlin, the warlock leaned over and kissed Arthur on the forehead, granting him one last show of love and affection that wasn't tainted with intent or meaning or expectation. Just...just him.
"Goodbye, Arthur," Merlin said quietly, before he left the room, left the castle, and left Camelot.
~*~
It was in a sort of daze that Merlin returned home, the curing water clutched in his hand.
He breathed a sigh of relief when Arthur woke, and was up and well, and Uther, for once, hugged his son in joy.
It was brief and Uther had stepped away from Arthur immediately after, to put a manly and proper amount of space back between them. But the grin on Arthur's face and happiness in his eyes at finally, finally, finally receiving such acknowledgment from his father made Merlin secure in his knowledge that his sacrifice of his life would not be in vain. If nothing else, seeing, for once, the look of pride and joy on Arthur's face was worth his life.
Merlin drank it in, knowing that it wouldn't last.
Or so he had thought.
"The Crown Prince has fallen gravely ill," Gaius said, almost baffled, just a day later.
The Crown Prince was dying. Merlin wasn't.
"This wasn't how it was supposed to go," Merlin whispered to Gaius in horror when he saw Uther yet again greiving his son - this time, his oldest. This time, it was Arthur who sat by his father as they kept vigil over Madog.
"It is your destiny to help Arthur become king," Gaius said.
"Not at the cost of his brother's life!"
"Are you so sure?"
Merlin's jaw hardened. "Nimueh has taken too much from this family already," he said. "I will not let her take anymore."
Gaius nodded distractedly, tending after the prince he had watched grow up from a bright-eyed boy into a knight in command, into the Crown Prince of Camelot. Merlin could see the mourning in his eyes, too, the same look he had held for Arthur, for Morgana, for Merlin.
Camelot had suffered enough. She could stand to lose a servant, but not a Prince, not another member of its royal family.
He wanted to say goodbye to Arthur. Want to give him one last loving kiss, the last Arthur might ever get. Wanted to hug him at least once, himself, before facing his death. But Arthur couldn't bear to pull away from his brother.
Goodbye, Arthur, Merlin thought to himself as he quietly shut the door to Madog's chamber when he left. Don' be a prat. Be a good king to the people. I'll miss you. Please don't forget me.
And mostly, I love you.
~*~
It was an oddly harrowing experience to have to ride back, practically carrying Gaius on his horse, from the Isle of the Blessed. His veins were thrumming with power inherited from Nimueh, and he wasn't quite sure what to do with himself when he followed Gaius up the castle steps and back into Madog's room. Already, he was improving.
He was awake when the king and prince returned in the morning.
"Thank you, Gaius, so much," Uther said, holding the physician's hand dearly as his eyes kept flickering back to his two sons on Madog's bed, sharing their lunch like they were little boys again. The two boys nodded along with Uther in gratitude.
"It wasn't me, sires," Gaius said, suddenly, and for a brief, hysterical moment, Merlin felt panic as he thought Gaius was about to expose his magic- "Merlin was the one who had found the cures. When I was about to pronounce them dead, in both cases, he took that one last desperate try."
Madog just stared incredulously, and Arthur smiled at him with pride, and Uther turned to him, put his hands on his shoulders, and said sincerely, "You have done much for my family, Merlin. Despite your impudence, your protection and care of my family has fallen far beyond the measure of any normal servant, and Camelot truly owes you a debt for your loyalty to my sons."
"I-i-it's nothing, sire," Merlin said. "They were just stabs in the dark that got lucky." This was wrong, he wasn't supposed to be thanked, because he had failed to protect Arthur, and then it was him that had gotten Madog sick, and this was all wrong, wrong, wrong. "Just my duty to the Crown, sire."
"This has fallen far beyond duty, Merlin," Arthur called out.
"And for that," Uther said. "We thank you."
With one final squeeze, he turned and strode back to his sons, who were sitting on the bed and turned to face their father, and Merlin stumbled back the last few steps. First Arthur dying, then the prince, then killing Nimueh, then getting her power, then Uther thanking him, this was impossible, all of it was impossible, and it was just too much, too much, too much-
"Merlin," Gaius said quietly. "If you cannot regain your senses, perhaps you should go back to your own room and rest for a bit. You have had a long and trying day."
Merlin nodded, seeing Madog's still disbelieving look, and Arthur's more scrutinizing gaze, looking for something as he looked at Merlin, and he left before Arthur could find it.
~*~
"What's wrong?" Merlin was greeted with that night when Arthur opened the door to his chambers.
"Nothing," Merlin said hurriedly, finishing up turning down Arthur's bed and setting out the water and medicines. "The only one you need to worry about is taking this one when you wake up, Gaius will be here to help with the rest tomorrow morning, and I've set out your nightclothes, and-"
"That's not what I meant."
The timber of Arthur's voice had Merlin freezing up as he smoothed out Arthur's nightclothes over the bed spread, before going back to it, trying to ignore the shaking of his hands.
"Well, then, sire, I can't help you, because I did all my chores right..."
He trailed off into silence when he felt a large, warm hand on his shoulder. Following the pressure of the hand, Merlin let himself be turned around to face Arthur. He stood there, regal as ever, with with his arm in a sling, a concerned look on his face. It didn't belong there, not for Merlin. "What's wrong? You looked like you were in a panic when my father thanked you. And you've been inordinately nervous, today. And you've been acting...strange, ever since I woke up from the poison."
"Just...worried, is all, for both of you, and-"
"Merlin," Arthur said, firmly. He pushed down on Merlin's shoulder, forcing him to sit on the bed as Arthur paced around slowly in front of him. "You don't...you're not...this isn't..."
He sighed. "If there's one thing I've gained from being...from the private liaisons I've had with all the nobles necessary for Camelot's benefit-" From being whored out by your father, a protective part of Merlin's mind translated. "-it's perception. It's necessary for that kind of political seduction, and it's useful everywhere else. Something is wrong, more than just worry for our health. You looked guilty when my father thanked you, and you were panicked. You seem..." he sighed. "You seem not you. Something is going on. So tell me, for god's sake!"
"It's nothing to do with you, and I'm still doing my chores as usual, so I don't see why I have to tell you ever detail of my life!" Merlin cried back.
Arthur gave him a long, shrewd look, before turning away, his gaze locked on the flames in the fireplace.
"...you don't have to," Arthur said quietly. "I would like you to. You know every shameful detail of my life - I only ask that you return the favor, so I can help you as much as you have helped me."
A long pause.
"There is no helping me, Arthur," Merlin said quietly, looking down at the rug in front of the fireplace, twisting the hem of his shirt in nervous fingers. "Please - let's just get to our beds and sleep and work towards your and your brother's good health in the morning."
Arthur laughed with no trace of humor. "Is that it, Merlin? You know my secrets but I don't get to know yours?"
"It's my job to know your secrets and manage them for you," Merlin said. "Your job doesn't need my own."
Arthur sighed. "I know you don't think of us as friends-"
"I do, Arthur," Merlin said, looking up, his fingers stilling where they were tangled in the wool of his shirt. "You are."
"Then why won't you tell me anything about you? Especially when you know so much about me?"
"...your secrets won't get you killed, Arthur. Mine will. It's...I'd rather not do that to you, or anyone, and I'd rather...it's easier. Simpler, this way."
"You're not making any sense, Merlin," Arthur said, turning back around to face him, even crouching slightly to face Merlin, before wincing and opting to see on the bed, instead, bringing one leg up and one foot on the floor, so his knee was digging into Merlin's thigh. Merlin was staring at where the tip of his boot pressed into the side of Merlin's. "I'm the Prince of Camelot - I can protect you from anyone in the kingdom."
"Except from your own family," Merlin said. "Except from the laws of Camelot."
Arthur frowned in confusion. "Are you doing something illegal, Merlin?"
Merlin bit his lip and shut his eyes. There was no getting out of this.
He nodded.
It was just as well - if he was going to die somewhere in this debacle, perhaps by Arthur's hand was the best way to go.
A long pause, before Arthur slowly wrapped gentle fingers around Merlin's wrist.
"Tell me," he pleaded. And Merlin couldn't resist by then. This was all too much, and after everything else, there was no way he could deal with lying his way out of this one. The easiest way would be to tell the truth.
So he did.
~*~
Next Chapter >>
Master Post
Summary: Merlin is happy to dedicate his life and soul to Arthur when he comes to Camelot, even though he knows the dragon is wrong, and Arthur will never be king. How can he be, when he is the second son?
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4400
Pairings/Character: Arthur/Merlin, OMC
Warnings/Content: violence, non-con, dub-con, (forced) intoxication, (possible) incest
Beta: none
Notes: Written here for this prompt at kinkme_merlin.
~*~
Master Post
<< Previous Chapter
A few weeks later, Merlin was standing outside the council doors alongside Lancelot, and inside, Madog and Arthur were arguing over him.
"I should leave," Lancelot murmured. "You're the one who killed the griffin. And I will not be the cause of a rift between the two brothers."
Merlin shook his head. "You didn't cause it."
"But I widened it."
And yes - when Lancelot had lied to get into the knighthood, when Arthur had known and done nothing about it...Madog was furious. Uther was, too, though less for being fooled by a peasant and more for Arthur lying to him.
"Stay," Merlin pleaded.
Lancelot shook his head. He took a deep breath, looking like he was steeling himself for something, and barged into the council chambers.
Arthur and Madog were on opposite sides of the table, facing each other angrily, while Uther seemed to be presiding.
"What is the meaning of this?" Uther demanded.
And as Merlin stood there and listened to Lancelot refuse to continue lying and refuse to cause a rift between the brothers or among the knights and endanger Camelot in the process, Merlin wondered what use he was to Arthur when he couldn't even help one sodding knight, and how he was supposed to help a prince, and help a kingdom.
"Lancelot!" Arthur called when Lancelot turned to walk away. The now-knight-errant turned to Arthur. "You are a true knight, if not a knight of Camelot. Go with honor."
When Lancelot was gone, Madog said, "You truly believe such a liar could have honor?"
"He told one lie to circumvent one stupid rule!" Arthur cried out.
"Stupid rule?!" Madog shouted. "You would have us open the doors of knighthood to everyone?"
"Yes," Arthur ground out.
"Arthur," Uther snapped. "You know how dangerous this could be-"
"And how dangerous would it be if Lancelot hadn't been here? If he hadn't killed that damned griffin?" Arthur demanded, though his words were still directed at his brother.
Madog never answered. Uther dismissed them both.
~*~
The next few weeks are chaos. Arthur causes some disorder in the court when falling for that mysterious girl.
Merlin was rather surprised - not of her, but of Arthur's enthusiasm.
Because Arthur and romance...
"Who do you love, sire?"
"I love my father, I love my brother, I-"
"You know what I mean, Arthur. I know enough about nobles that no one ever loves who they're married to. Who would you court, go to for true romance?"
"I don't need true romance, Merlin."
"Everyone does...have you ever had an affair? Plenty of willing maidservants around."
"..."
"Arthur?"
"Once. A laundry maid, a while back. It...it didn't go well."
"What do you mean?"
"She was only interested in my looks and what my appearance could offer. I...I..."
"You what?"
"...I was hoping for...well, romance and sex are two different things, aren't they? I get enough sex - and the girl wasn't interested in romance."
"So the tumble was bad?"
"It's always bad."
"...no, it's-"
"It's overrated is what it is. Romance and love and sex are all overrated."
"There a part of being human."
"No - they're a part of being a person. You don't have to be a person to be a human."
...did not mix.
Arthur got enough of 'love' from the nobles Uther sold his son to, and Merlin knew Arthur hated the idea of chasing after other girls or boys or whatever he would be interested in...because he wasn't - Arthur was too scared and too broken to bother with being interested.
Seeing Arthur's isolation, induced by his father's hunger for power, made Merlin's blood boil - because no one should be made to fear love. And yet that's exactly what had happened to Arthur.
So Merlin, who had once pondered an advance on the prince, knew better than to try - at best, he would be rejected, and at worst, Arthur would fire him - for real, this time - and send him far away where he couldn't hurt Arthur.
When Sophia came and Arthur was head over heels in love and chasing after whole heartedly - Merlin was surprised, but happy, because finally, maybe Arthur was recovering, and he was smiling and happy and yes, love works, sex works, romance was real, and-
-it turned out to be a spell. A sidhe enchantment, and Merlin would've been sorely tempted to just leave the spell in place if it weren't for the fact the fairies were planning to kill Arthur.
Merlin hated the despondent look in Arthur's eyes a week later, when Uther let a lower noble than he usually allowed to have Arthur.
Something sacred turned into something hated.
Merlin continued to watch and protect and adore from afar.
~*~
"Stop, or I'll run you through."
Merlin was steadily panicking as he sat in his bed wondering what the hell to do, because Morgana had almost managed to escape with the Druid boy, but then Madog had to go and capture Morgana. She was currently locked up and so was the boy and Merlin just found out the boy was going to one day kill Arthur and, and, and-
"Merlin," Arthur said that evening.
"...he's a little boy," Merlin muttered. "Helpless." Merlin didn't know whether he meant the boy or himself.
Arthur sunk deeper into thought. "Helpless," he murmured
And days later, Merlin found himself thinking that maybe he wasn't loyal enough to Arthur if he was helping the boy live.
"His name is Mordred," Arthur said conversationally when they were safely back in his chambers. "Rather nice boy, actually."
Merlin nodded numbly, wishing he felt that he'd just made the biggest mistake of his life, instead of just knowing it.
~*~
The Black Knight finished off Sir Pellinore, and Merlin watched as he threw down the gauntlet again.
The knight was already dead, and would not stop until the knights of Camelot were no more.
Madog leaped up to take up the gauntlet and accept the challenge, when Uther held him back. "Let the knights of Camelot have the chance to prove themselves," he said blandly.
So, of course, Arthur took advantage of his father's distraction, jumped down, and picked up the gauntlet.
Merlin watched in horror as Arthur gazed at the dead man and said, "I accept your challenge."
Madog raged and Uther mourned, and Merlin wondered why the hell Arthur would do such a thing.
"You heard my father," Arthur said later. "To let the knights of Camelot prove themselves."
With the way Arthur was practicing his sword forms in his chambers, Merlin blurted out, "Your father's pride will be useless if you are dead."
Arthur froze, before slowly turning a cold gaze, ice cold, on Merlin.
"Get out."
Merlin had enough experience to do so, going instead to beg help from the dragon.
Considering how determined Arthur had been the night before, Merlin was rather shocked when Uther walked into the armory the next morning.
"Prepare me for battle," Uther said, ignoring Merlin's protests.
Merlin did so with shaking hands, watching in surprise as Uther took the sword, the sword meant for Arthur, and took it.
"You have shown admirable loyalty to my son," Uther said, testing out the blade. "That is a rare quality, especially as he is my second son."
"We...you could say we have a bond, sire," Merlin said, finishing up with the gauntlets.
"...I'm glad," Uther said, sword hand finally stilling. "He needs someone to look after him."
Merlin was caught between wanting to shout that Arthur isn't as useless as Uther thinks and wanting to be glad that that someone was him.
Uther walked out to his not-doom. Merlin followed, and saw Madog looking around the royal viewing box in confusion, which turned to horro when he saw his father, and-
The battle was quick. Apparently, Tristan wasn't the greatest of sword fighters while dead, and Uther landed a blow that with the magical sword actually killed the damn undead knight, this time.
Later, when Merlin was helping Uther get the armor off, he blurted out, "Why did you do this, sire? You're the king, and Arthur is...is only, the...second son. You..."
Uther took a deep breath. "Second son he may be - he is still my son."
And he left, and Merlin stared after him in amazement. He didn't think he'd ever understand the king, and now he was fairly certain he would never want to.
Later still, when he was throwing the sword in the lake, Merlin wondered at Arthur's willingness to die for his father's pride, and Uther's willingness to die for his son.
...they were an absolutely insane family.
~*~
Merlin found himself under Arthur's scrutiny, weeks later, on their way back from Ealdor. They were stopped for camp, that night. Gwen and Morgana were giving him some distance to let him mourn his best friend, but Arthur was remaining firmly pressed to his side.
"...you grew up with a sorcerer?" Arthur asked.
Merlin sighed. "I don't care what you think, sire, but Will's not dangerous, not to me. He's only ever helped, or tried to."
"Tried to?"
"...sometimes he messed up," Merlin said quietly. "But he always fixed it, one way or another."
He hated building more lies into Arthur's life, but he had no choice.
"He may not have had ill intentions, but he was powerful."
"So are you, and that hasn't stopped me yet."
"I'm not that powerful, Merlin, I had to defer to my father and my brother-"
"That's not what I was talking about," Merlin said. "You could kill me with your sword at any given moment and I'd be helpless." He wouldn't, actually, and would probably win, but that was beside the point. "And I'm still here. It seems I'm helpless wherever I go. At least Will was my best friend, and I knew he'd never hurt me."
It took him a moment to realize what he said, and once he did, he sorely wished he knew a way to turn back time.
"...I'm not your friend?" Arthur asked quietly, his voice badly masking a wretched tone.
"You're my master, and you're a Prince of Camelot. I'm just a servant."
There was more silence, before Arthur got up and went to his bedroll without another word.
Well, no - he said one thing. "Even if I'm not your friend, you're that of mine, and the best one I've ever had. And maybe the only true one."
And then he went to sleep.
Merlin couldn't look him in the eye the rest of the way home.
~*~
They eventually managed to get back to normal, just in time for Merlin to watch in horror as Arthur killed a unicorn. Couldn't the prat see what he had done?!
But of course he couldn't - his father's pride outshone everything else, and as Uther crowed about his son, his youngest, having killed a unicorn, Merlin knew that Arthur could see nothing else.
Until his people started starving.
And then, he was trying to sodding poison himself.
"You're the prince," Merlin said, as they poured the first goblet's contents into the second. "Camelot needs you."
"Camelot has my brother. The people need me to die," he said, and then with a lightening fast strike he took the goblet, drained it, and collapsed.
Even when it just turned out to be a sleeping drought, even when it all ended up being a test, even when they'd buried the horn and resurrected the unicorn in the process, Merlin pondered Arthur, and wondered how his father, his brother, and his kingdom, could all be so blind as to what they had before them.
~*~
Merlin watched in a concussive haze, Sidhe staff limp in his hands, as Tauren's body fell off Morgana's knife, his grip on Uther's throat slipping as he landed next to the unconscious Madog. At the last minute, Madog and Uther fought the assassin, but it's Morgana who killed him. Morgana, even after she set up this entire deal. Morgana, who had spent the last hour talking quietly with Uther, while Madog watched dispassionately.
He was in a bit of a confused daze as he stumbled back home. He pushed the staff under his bed and wandered up to Arthur's rooms.
It was still empty, inside - Arthur was still consoling Gwen, then. He was there when Arthur had argued with his brother, and won, to let Gwen stay, despite her father's crime. Madog distrusted her, especially around Morgana, saying the woman would never be able to defend herself.
Merlin's lips only quirked at the memory of Arthur reminding his brother that Morgana would have no compunctions about castrating him if she ever heard that.
He took a deep breath, and tried to shove away the memories of Morgana's attempted assassination, of Madog's attempted murder of the assassin, of Gwen's attempts to cope with her father's death, and of his own attempts to make things right.
Because that's all they were: attempts.
~*~
This time, it was in horror that Merlin watched as the monster - it looked like a Questing Beast, according to Gaius's books - approached the hunting party.
"Arthur, move!" he shouted. But Arthur could only go so fast with his half-conscious brother's body slung over his shoulder.
They managed a moment of respite long enough to get the Crown Prince back on his feet and supported by his knights, before Arthur turned and went after the Questing Beast.
"ARTHUR!" Merlin shouted as he ran after the stupid prat, because why the hell else would he go after the damn thing?!
He found Arthur in the cave, and heard the crown prince and the rest of the knights following around the mouth of the cave as he and Arthur waited for the Questing Beast to show itself.
"We need to get out of her, Arthur," Merlin hissed. "This thing's magic - one small wound, a scratch, and you're dead!"
"Then I can't allow this thing to live to terrorize the people!" Arthur hissed back equally, and then turned when the damned thing showed itself and-
Merlin could do nothing, nothing as he tried to heal Arthur. The beast ran away after injuring Arthur, and Merlin knew exactly what that meant: the beast was sure that Arthur was going to die.
~*~
Uther collapsed under the weight of carrying his son halfway across the courtyard, sobbing for all the people to see.
Madog took Arthur in his arms, a blank expression on his face as he turned and continued onto the path. Sir Leon helped the king to his feet for them to follow briskly.
That night, the Court of Camelot watched in shock as for the first time in almost a decade, Uther unleashed true fury on his golden son.
"You were supposed to protect him!"
"There wasn't much I could do once he ran after the damn thing!"
"You should have stopped him-"
"I was barely even conscious by then, I tried, but Arthur was too far ahead of us and goading the creature!"
And so on.
~*~
Later, in Arthur's room, closer to dawn than proper, Merlin was finishing up washing his unconscious prince when he heard Uther tell Madog, "Do you remember what I told you? When Arthur was born? When you asked why he came, as he took your mother away?"
"...that he was mine to protect."
For the first time, it was the eldest brother who had failed. He clearly didn't take well to failure, not as accustomed to it as Arthur.
Merlin could see it in the glares Madog sent towards his dying brother.
Finally, when Leon got Madog back to his own chambers and Gaius persuaded Uther to go get some rest, Merlin was left alone to tend to Arthur in his bed.
The price will be a life in order to save Arthur's.
"I'll get you well," Merlin murmured to Arthur's still form. "You'll be a great king. I don't know how, or when, but you will."
He almost ended it there, but remembering all the hardships Arthur had endured and would continue to endure once he was better, this time without Merlin, the warlock leaned over and kissed Arthur on the forehead, granting him one last show of love and affection that wasn't tainted with intent or meaning or expectation. Just...just him.
"Goodbye, Arthur," Merlin said quietly, before he left the room, left the castle, and left Camelot.
~*~
It was in a sort of daze that Merlin returned home, the curing water clutched in his hand.
He breathed a sigh of relief when Arthur woke, and was up and well, and Uther, for once, hugged his son in joy.
It was brief and Uther had stepped away from Arthur immediately after, to put a manly and proper amount of space back between them. But the grin on Arthur's face and happiness in his eyes at finally, finally, finally receiving such acknowledgment from his father made Merlin secure in his knowledge that his sacrifice of his life would not be in vain. If nothing else, seeing, for once, the look of pride and joy on Arthur's face was worth his life.
Merlin drank it in, knowing that it wouldn't last.
Or so he had thought.
"The Crown Prince has fallen gravely ill," Gaius said, almost baffled, just a day later.
The Crown Prince was dying. Merlin wasn't.
"This wasn't how it was supposed to go," Merlin whispered to Gaius in horror when he saw Uther yet again greiving his son - this time, his oldest. This time, it was Arthur who sat by his father as they kept vigil over Madog.
"It is your destiny to help Arthur become king," Gaius said.
"Not at the cost of his brother's life!"
"Are you so sure?"
Merlin's jaw hardened. "Nimueh has taken too much from this family already," he said. "I will not let her take anymore."
Gaius nodded distractedly, tending after the prince he had watched grow up from a bright-eyed boy into a knight in command, into the Crown Prince of Camelot. Merlin could see the mourning in his eyes, too, the same look he had held for Arthur, for Morgana, for Merlin.
Camelot had suffered enough. She could stand to lose a servant, but not a Prince, not another member of its royal family.
He wanted to say goodbye to Arthur. Want to give him one last loving kiss, the last Arthur might ever get. Wanted to hug him at least once, himself, before facing his death. But Arthur couldn't bear to pull away from his brother.
Goodbye, Arthur, Merlin thought to himself as he quietly shut the door to Madog's chamber when he left. Don' be a prat. Be a good king to the people. I'll miss you. Please don't forget me.
And mostly, I love you.
~*~
It was an oddly harrowing experience to have to ride back, practically carrying Gaius on his horse, from the Isle of the Blessed. His veins were thrumming with power inherited from Nimueh, and he wasn't quite sure what to do with himself when he followed Gaius up the castle steps and back into Madog's room. Already, he was improving.
He was awake when the king and prince returned in the morning.
"Thank you, Gaius, so much," Uther said, holding the physician's hand dearly as his eyes kept flickering back to his two sons on Madog's bed, sharing their lunch like they were little boys again. The two boys nodded along with Uther in gratitude.
"It wasn't me, sires," Gaius said, suddenly, and for a brief, hysterical moment, Merlin felt panic as he thought Gaius was about to expose his magic- "Merlin was the one who had found the cures. When I was about to pronounce them dead, in both cases, he took that one last desperate try."
Madog just stared incredulously, and Arthur smiled at him with pride, and Uther turned to him, put his hands on his shoulders, and said sincerely, "You have done much for my family, Merlin. Despite your impudence, your protection and care of my family has fallen far beyond the measure of any normal servant, and Camelot truly owes you a debt for your loyalty to my sons."
"I-i-it's nothing, sire," Merlin said. "They were just stabs in the dark that got lucky." This was wrong, he wasn't supposed to be thanked, because he had failed to protect Arthur, and then it was him that had gotten Madog sick, and this was all wrong, wrong, wrong. "Just my duty to the Crown, sire."
"This has fallen far beyond duty, Merlin," Arthur called out.
"And for that," Uther said. "We thank you."
With one final squeeze, he turned and strode back to his sons, who were sitting on the bed and turned to face their father, and Merlin stumbled back the last few steps. First Arthur dying, then the prince, then killing Nimueh, then getting her power, then Uther thanking him, this was impossible, all of it was impossible, and it was just too much, too much, too much-
"Merlin," Gaius said quietly. "If you cannot regain your senses, perhaps you should go back to your own room and rest for a bit. You have had a long and trying day."
Merlin nodded, seeing Madog's still disbelieving look, and Arthur's more scrutinizing gaze, looking for something as he looked at Merlin, and he left before Arthur could find it.
~*~
"What's wrong?" Merlin was greeted with that night when Arthur opened the door to his chambers.
"Nothing," Merlin said hurriedly, finishing up turning down Arthur's bed and setting out the water and medicines. "The only one you need to worry about is taking this one when you wake up, Gaius will be here to help with the rest tomorrow morning, and I've set out your nightclothes, and-"
"That's not what I meant."
The timber of Arthur's voice had Merlin freezing up as he smoothed out Arthur's nightclothes over the bed spread, before going back to it, trying to ignore the shaking of his hands.
"Well, then, sire, I can't help you, because I did all my chores right..."
He trailed off into silence when he felt a large, warm hand on his shoulder. Following the pressure of the hand, Merlin let himself be turned around to face Arthur. He stood there, regal as ever, with with his arm in a sling, a concerned look on his face. It didn't belong there, not for Merlin. "What's wrong? You looked like you were in a panic when my father thanked you. And you've been inordinately nervous, today. And you've been acting...strange, ever since I woke up from the poison."
"Just...worried, is all, for both of you, and-"
"Merlin," Arthur said, firmly. He pushed down on Merlin's shoulder, forcing him to sit on the bed as Arthur paced around slowly in front of him. "You don't...you're not...this isn't..."
He sighed. "If there's one thing I've gained from being...from the private liaisons I've had with all the nobles necessary for Camelot's benefit-" From being whored out by your father, a protective part of Merlin's mind translated. "-it's perception. It's necessary for that kind of political seduction, and it's useful everywhere else. Something is wrong, more than just worry for our health. You looked guilty when my father thanked you, and you were panicked. You seem..." he sighed. "You seem not you. Something is going on. So tell me, for god's sake!"
"It's nothing to do with you, and I'm still doing my chores as usual, so I don't see why I have to tell you ever detail of my life!" Merlin cried back.
Arthur gave him a long, shrewd look, before turning away, his gaze locked on the flames in the fireplace.
"...you don't have to," Arthur said quietly. "I would like you to. You know every shameful detail of my life - I only ask that you return the favor, so I can help you as much as you have helped me."
A long pause.
"There is no helping me, Arthur," Merlin said quietly, looking down at the rug in front of the fireplace, twisting the hem of his shirt in nervous fingers. "Please - let's just get to our beds and sleep and work towards your and your brother's good health in the morning."
Arthur laughed with no trace of humor. "Is that it, Merlin? You know my secrets but I don't get to know yours?"
"It's my job to know your secrets and manage them for you," Merlin said. "Your job doesn't need my own."
Arthur sighed. "I know you don't think of us as friends-"
"I do, Arthur," Merlin said, looking up, his fingers stilling where they were tangled in the wool of his shirt. "You are."
"Then why won't you tell me anything about you? Especially when you know so much about me?"
"...your secrets won't get you killed, Arthur. Mine will. It's...I'd rather not do that to you, or anyone, and I'd rather...it's easier. Simpler, this way."
"You're not making any sense, Merlin," Arthur said, turning back around to face him, even crouching slightly to face Merlin, before wincing and opting to see on the bed, instead, bringing one leg up and one foot on the floor, so his knee was digging into Merlin's thigh. Merlin was staring at where the tip of his boot pressed into the side of Merlin's. "I'm the Prince of Camelot - I can protect you from anyone in the kingdom."
"Except from your own family," Merlin said. "Except from the laws of Camelot."
Arthur frowned in confusion. "Are you doing something illegal, Merlin?"
Merlin bit his lip and shut his eyes. There was no getting out of this.
He nodded.
It was just as well - if he was going to die somewhere in this debacle, perhaps by Arthur's hand was the best way to go.
A long pause, before Arthur slowly wrapped gentle fingers around Merlin's wrist.
"Tell me," he pleaded. And Merlin couldn't resist by then. This was all too much, and after everything else, there was no way he could deal with lying his way out of this one. The easiest way would be to tell the truth.
So he did.
~*~
Next Chapter >>
Master Post