Lionheart, Chapter 5: "You are my heroooiineeee!"
Today was cleaning day as usual. AND LONG WEEKEND! Glorious. Also went to see The Lightning Thief with Liz after school yesterday. It was okay, not what I expected though.
And a certain awesome person I talk about a lot is in need of lulz, so here we go! with Lionheart! ( Chapter 4!!!!!!!!)
Chapter 5; AKA “You are my heroooiineeee!”
I just wanted to remind everyone that this is my grade for this book.
So, we're on the chapter 5 and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. What else can not happen?
Oh, right, Lionheart can not see that Vanora is obviously missing.
Yes, Lionheart hasn't seen Vanora in 3 days since she went to bed sick and Mair refuses to let anyone in to see her. So he's debating with her when Giles skitters up. Apparently Llewellyn's army is marching on Cragdon! Oh no!
(Vanora's Plan: Just failed.)
Lionheart runs off, leaving Mair in a state of Urgency. She's worried Lionheart will kill Vanora because he wants to kill the White Knight so badly! (I don't know if I ever pointed out that there is actually no reason for Lionheart hating the White Knight given. Except maybe Lionheart used one of these shortly before going into battle:
Mair thinks she should maybe talk to Caddoc, but he's off in the village on a “mission of mercy”, PRESUMABLY last rites for someone, but maybe he's delivering mercy in the form of sexing up someone who never gets any? Ahahaha that was horrible of me, I'm sorry. But it doesn't specify what his mission is, so....
Lionheart and Sir Brandon make a plan of attack. Their plain entails surprising Llewellyn's army by surrounding them (remember, they think Lionheart has no idea what's up-which brings up the question: If they were so good at hiding, why didn't they consider that there would be PATROLS!? HERE, have a poster for this idiocy:
and cutting off their escape route. Badaboom.
Anyways, cut to Vanora, who's riding alongside Llewellyn. Apparently this guy beats whatever Daffid wanted, so she is allowed to fight. She muses over how weird Daffid acted while she was at Draymere, and comments on how happy she is that Sir Ren (remember, that guy who said he was the White Knight) and all the other Cragdon knights are with them. Vanora realizes she's not sure if she could kill Lionheart. I thought she hated him? But no! Here...she can't kill him! DUN DUN DUUUUNNN.
HOLY SHIT IT'S AN ARMY
D:
And Vanora suddenly finds herself having to do all sorts of crazy things to stay alive, like ride a horse! And swing a sword! And realize that she could die! OH, THE DRAMA. I MIGHT DIE FROM THE THRILLS.
Vanora sees Lionheart THUNDERING towards her and she's all ready to start doing all these epic horse moves when Sir Ren tells her to flee. Well Vanora won't so he makes a circle with a few other knights around her and they start herding her away! Like sheep! And Lionheart thinks she's being a coward and Vanora can only look back at him all “D8”
(It doesn't totally fit, but when I saw this I kind of stopped looking.)
Anyways, Vanora's riding back to Cragdon since she can't fight anymore (and the battle was a total FAILURE for Wales, dude, it's not even funny) and she decides that she's going to make Lionheart's life miserable as revenge.
Once she arrives at the castle Caddoc meets her and asks about the battle. He talks about how Mair heard them planning the attack. Vanora says most of the soldiers were probably able to hide somewhere since apparently Wales is a good place to find hiding spots. (Ultimate Hide-and-Seek location?)
Vanora heads off to bed.
Lionheart is angry AGAIN when he gets back (he's angry whenever he leaves Cragdon, guys! It's a sign! When he's not around Vanora he's angry! They're meant to be together! It's foreshadowing!) because he couldn't defeat the White Knight, who he apparently wants to kill more than Llewellyn. Which is kind of funny, because he needs to kill Ole Lle if he wants Wales. I think he's starting to lose focus.
Anyways they couldn't find the rest of Llewellyn's army (they went and hid again, of course) but guess what? THEY HAVE A PRISONER. And who is it? DAFFID AP DEVERELL! Vanora's betrothed! (shit!)
Lionheart thinks that Daffid looks like a savage Welsh man who would be abusive (...as if Lionheart isn't already?) and he really hates the idea that Vanora will marry him.
Lionheart decides to question him. Now, you will recall that Lionheart knew some Welsh (did I mention that? I think I did. Well, whatever, now you know if you didn't) but not much. Apparently he is now fluent enough in it as he decides to ask his questions in Welsh.
Daffid says Llewellyn does not confide in him, then lies and says they were never at Cragdon and he doesn't know who the White Knight is. At least he's loyal. He then asks how Vanora is.
Lionheart doesn't know, so he consults Mair, who is magically nearby (remember the Creepy Door-Watching?). She says Vanora's fever has broken, so Lionheart reports this to Daffid.
Daffid then DOES SOMETHING HORRIBLE.
“Has my betrothed been ill?” Daffid asked with mock concern. His contemptuous gaze settled on Lionheart. “Have you made her your whore?”
OH NO YOU DI'NT, YOU BASTARD.
Lionheart storms off after ordering Daffid be thrown in the dungeon. He runs into Father Caddoc, who asks him what he plans to do with Daffid. Lionheart says he may execute the guy to make an example of him.
Lionheart was so angry with Daffid he would gladly strangle the man himself. Calling Vanora a whore was beyond despicable. Even if Lionheart had taken Vanora's maidenhead, labeling her a whore would be unfair.
So basically, if Lionheart did make Vanora have sex with someone she wasn't married to (remember, a HUGE no-no in these times- it would be considered promiscuous) she wouldn't be a whore. First of all:
whore
-noun 1. a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet.
Secondly, it would have been HIS FAULT. Ahahahahaha fail.
Caddoc asks if he can speak to Daffid, but Lionheart says no, then stomps off to go see Vanora. He looks in on her as she's asleep, decides she's okay, and goes to bed.
In the morning, Vanora's taking her bath (kind of funny, since I don't think baths were all that common during this time even among the nobility if you hadn't been doing something particularly dirty-making) when Lionheart barges in.
Vanora yells at him to GET OUT and Lionheart doesn't, instead staring at her as she's wrapped in a towel and remarking how long her legs are. Vanora says she's like other women, Lionheart says she's not, and Vanora says he must find her too masculine. (Maybe she got one of his Male Potency Kits.)
Lionheart laughs at her and says it's interesting that she has muscles.
Lionheart laughed. “Masculine? Hardly. You are sleek ans lithe like a cat but fleshed out in places that proclaim your womanhood.” He stared at her bare arms. “Are those muscles I spy, my lady? How come you by muscles?” His gaze slid down her torso. “Have you thigh muscles to match those in your arms?”
HOW CAME YOU BY MUSCLES?
Gee, Iunno. The corner store?
Also, apparently Lionheart has magical color-changing eyes in varying shades of gray.
Vanora is ready to run out of the room but Lionheart grabs her towel, laughs at her, pulls her to him, and starts touching her. Vanora tells him to stop. Lionheart says he'll have her anyways (← uh.)
They talk a bit and then Lionheart realizes how he can get Vanora in bed. He tells her about Daffid and says he's “most definitely” decided to execute him. Vanora asks how she can save him.
HAHAHAHA HE'S GOT HER NOW!
“Have sex with me!”
Vanora says NO. But Lionheart, ohhhh, he's a wily beast. He starts kissing her again, and Vanora frets about how she can't resist him.
CALLING FATHER CADDOC!
He barges in, tells Lionheart to GTFO once more, and says if Lionheart wants Vanora, he'll have to marry her. Lionheart walks out laughing and Caddoc calls him Satan.
So I totally didn't realize until I posted this that I have Anne Frank and Hitler in the same post. And it ends with Satin SATAN. It's like I'm sending hidden messages. OOOOHHHH. (AND I have Jesus!)
(Quadruple famous person score!) (CHEATER.)