Abuse Cravings
Sunday
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Part of my attachment to being forced, used or abused in relationship comes from my desire for someone to be so attached to me, so needy, that they are willing to do unreasonable things in order to ensure that I stay. These "unreasonable" things may include brain-washing techniques, threats and bribes.
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I want the response to my ( Read more... )

Starting at the beginning of August 2015 I began logging a short sentence as the "highlight of my day" or more realistically, whatever was the most memorable to me about the day at the end of it or the next morning when I wrote the sentence. At the end of the month I read through them and then took the most meaningful of the sentences and compiled ( Read more... )

Wednesday evening I noticed that I no longer seemed hurt by Paladin's sparse contact. It's as though I've internalized our 'breakup' and am becoming okay with it. Each parting easier than the last.
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It was as simple as my needs being met, which was particularly underscored while watching Teal's latest video, Jealousy and Envy. Three minutes in, ( Read more... )

My Wednesday: Poetry, song lyrics, resonance and still processing my grief for Paladin, this time, specifically my grief for his inability to dominate me. Discussion with Knotweed about polyamory and travel plans. Writing to White Whale at last. On the Wednesday morning of October 14th, 2015, it begins ( Read more... )

I fell asleep Monday night only a little after ten o'clock. I had recorded myself reading aloud two chapters of Empress and sent the first of the two recordings off to Hibiscus to listen to while he spent time overseas.
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I woke a little after four o'clock in the morning and didn't feel like I wanted to back to sleep. This was highly unusual for me. ( Read more... )

Excerpt:
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"Shatter me," I cried. Please, I'm begging you. "Break me," I commanded, demanding death with certainty of need. "Hurt me with your passion. Take me, don't ask for permission."
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And abruptly another part of me came forward, my voice changing pitch and tune: "Honor me, care for me, see me, see the truth behind all the lies that I've told ( Read more... )

Thursday afternoon I asked Paladin if he had contacted Leopardus yet.
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"No," he said.
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"It's after five o'clock. You said that he said he was coming by on Thursday. I would imagine it would be good to find out what time."
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"I don't feel like contacting him," Paladin said.
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I closed my eyes in frustration and walked away. I sat down at my computer and I ( Read more... )

Alternate Title Ideas:
Goals Reached; Gratitude Felt
Gossip With Mermaid
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I woke feeling safer and I happier than I could recall feeling in years. I blinked and wondered: Where are my princess dresses? I want to wear one! Then I became awake enough to realize that they still existed only as items on a wishlist I'd sent to Hibiscus the previous ( Read more... )

"I enjoy your stories."
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"If you bring forth the darkest part of yourself to listen, I'll tell it to you."
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He hesitated for a moment, and then, with his startlingly beautiful blue eyes locked on my own, he nodded..
( Read more... )

I'm starting to become myself again, I thought. As deeply as I missed Paladin, it was nice to reclaim myself. My inner child was coming forth in more and more ways.
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Saturday I began writing a fantasy novel again for the first time in over four years. It was something I thought I couldn't do as long as I kept up that mindset of having to work. But ( Read more... )