A Kiss I Sold For Groceries & A Heart I Gave Freely
Wednesday, September 9th, 2015
.
Today I was curious to see if what I said to Hibiscus about my old writing was true. I said to him, "I journaled a lot between the ages of ten and eighteen. I'm sure most of it is drivel, especially the constant writing I kept up when I was with Wolf and after he left me."
.
I started looking through some old writing and decided to post this, from 2004, which contains direct writing from when I was fifteen and madly in love with Wolf.
.
I'm struck by how much I am still me, the same me, eleven years later.
.
February 11th, 2004, I wrote:
.
"I have tried to sleep. But I can't, the thoughts keep coming, the tears keep coming. I love him. I typed that three-word sentence so fast that I didn't know I had thought it until it appeared on screen. I have the burning urge to write, and the bigger urge to be with Wolf - to at least talk to him."
.
September 9th 2015, I wrote:
.
The burning urge to write is alive and well in me. The driving force of not wanting to be alone - my core negative incentive behind all of my actions - has been ever-present in me.
.
Last night was a very new experience for me. I've been keen to prevent a repeat of what happened with Panda in the summer of 2014. I had fallen for Panda because of his charisma, his power to manipulate a crowd. He was powerfully positive in his messages, cheerful, and full of fascinating information. I fell for him a little when he helped me identify weeds I didn't recognize in my garden - particularly comfrey. I fell for him a little when he talked about how he felt about sex, love and romance. I fell for him a little when he talked about his views on polyamory.
.
I fell for him harder when he demonstrated his organizational abilities, showed his leadership, and facilitated large events - some of which drew thousands of people from the local area. I thought to myself, here is a man operating at my level. Here is a man who knows his power and wields it shamelessly.
.
I thought I was meeting someone worthy of me, and I felt myself a worthy prize for him. The only hiccup? Panda is very large - not just a little overweight - he's around seventy pounds overweight, maybe more. He's one of those die-hard vegans who believes eating deep-fried wheat is a better idea than raw goat milk. He'd eat tofurky, but wouldn't touch honey. He'd eat conventional papayas and soy even though they are genetically modified, but he wouldn't have a slice of locally-sourced, grass-fed, organic cheese.
.
I should have realized that his religious veganism was a symptom of our incompatibility. But I was so desperate for an active sex life. I wanted someone outside of Paladin to share fantasies with, and Panda offered that to me.
.
I still wasn't sure that I wanted anything sexual to do with such a large man. Panda isn't just fat - he's also very tall. I'm not into large men in general, even very fit ones. I like men to be of similar stature to myself - the way Paladin is almost exactly my height and size feels natural to me in a way that no other body quite can. There is something magical when hearts, emotions, bodies, and minds all match up in such unity and love. Something magical that is heart-breaking when it repeatedly disappoints in the bedroom, and I was deep in the pain of that in the summer of 2014, and I was ready for change.
.
This time I took care of myself emotionally. This time I let myself explore Hibiscus's body slowly before having sex with him. I'd never done anything like that before prior to sex. I took my time with it.
.
It was fitting.
.
Earlier that day, when we'd gone shopping, I was in the mind-frame of being bought. I was enjoying being his arm decoration. I wanted to feel what it would be like to be a sugar-baby.
.
"I have three thoughts about how to interpret that," Hibiscus said, his hands on the steering wheel of his hybrid car.
.
"Oh?" I said.
.
"But you'll have to kiss me to hear them," he said. We were on a highway without much traffic. His hybrid cruised along quietly, almost silent at times.
.
Very quietly I moaned a "uhm..."
.
"Was that a yes?" he asked. He didn't wait for me to answer. "I think that was a yes," he said, hearing what he wanted to hear somehow in my unsureness.
.
I have to kiss him some time, I thought.
.
I don't want to kiss him, another part thought.
.
He's paying for me. Tonight we're going to give him everything he wants, so let him have the kiss.
.
I found myself wet at the idea of selling myself to him, once again. I leaned in and kissed him.
.
The passion in it surprised him, even if it was brief and not very deep physically, he sensed the depth of my focus, my intention.
.
"I didn't expect that," he said quietly.
.
It was perfect for him to buy that kiss from me, but later to have sex as a meeting of hearts - not as a business transaction. Yes, I enjoy that fantasy, but a first time with someone carries connotation. I'm glad it was an exchange of love, freely given.
.
In the morning I wrote to Paladin, "I was up until four again myself, and I'm awake again already, which is pretty close to an all-nighter. I've never done what I did last night before - taking the time to get emotionally comfortable... Every single part of self, one at a time, for as long as it takes without any self-blame about not being a perfect."
.
Today I was curious to see if what I said to Hibiscus about my old writing was true. I said to him, "I journaled a lot between the ages of ten and eighteen. I'm sure most of it is drivel, especially the constant writing I kept up when I was with Wolf and after he left me."
.
I started looking through some old writing and decided to post this, from 2004, which contains direct writing from when I was fifteen and madly in love with Wolf.
.
I'm struck by how much I am still me, the same me, eleven years later.
.
February 11th, 2004, I wrote:
.
"I have tried to sleep. But I can't, the thoughts keep coming, the tears keep coming. I love him. I typed that three-word sentence so fast that I didn't know I had thought it until it appeared on screen. I have the burning urge to write, and the bigger urge to be with Wolf - to at least talk to him."
.
September 9th 2015, I wrote:
.
The burning urge to write is alive and well in me. The driving force of not wanting to be alone - my core negative incentive behind all of my actions - has been ever-present in me.
.
Last night was a very new experience for me. I've been keen to prevent a repeat of what happened with Panda in the summer of 2014. I had fallen for Panda because of his charisma, his power to manipulate a crowd. He was powerfully positive in his messages, cheerful, and full of fascinating information. I fell for him a little when he helped me identify weeds I didn't recognize in my garden - particularly comfrey. I fell for him a little when he talked about how he felt about sex, love and romance. I fell for him a little when he talked about his views on polyamory.
.
I fell for him harder when he demonstrated his organizational abilities, showed his leadership, and facilitated large events - some of which drew thousands of people from the local area. I thought to myself, here is a man operating at my level. Here is a man who knows his power and wields it shamelessly.
.
I thought I was meeting someone worthy of me, and I felt myself a worthy prize for him. The only hiccup? Panda is very large - not just a little overweight - he's around seventy pounds overweight, maybe more. He's one of those die-hard vegans who believes eating deep-fried wheat is a better idea than raw goat milk. He'd eat tofurky, but wouldn't touch honey. He'd eat conventional papayas and soy even though they are genetically modified, but he wouldn't have a slice of locally-sourced, grass-fed, organic cheese.
.
I should have realized that his religious veganism was a symptom of our incompatibility. But I was so desperate for an active sex life. I wanted someone outside of Paladin to share fantasies with, and Panda offered that to me.
.
I still wasn't sure that I wanted anything sexual to do with such a large man. Panda isn't just fat - he's also very tall. I'm not into large men in general, even very fit ones. I like men to be of similar stature to myself - the way Paladin is almost exactly my height and size feels natural to me in a way that no other body quite can. There is something magical when hearts, emotions, bodies, and minds all match up in such unity and love. Something magical that is heart-breaking when it repeatedly disappoints in the bedroom, and I was deep in the pain of that in the summer of 2014, and I was ready for change.
.
This time I took care of myself emotionally. This time I let myself explore Hibiscus's body slowly before having sex with him. I'd never done anything like that before prior to sex. I took my time with it.
.
It was fitting.
.
Earlier that day, when we'd gone shopping, I was in the mind-frame of being bought. I was enjoying being his arm decoration. I wanted to feel what it would be like to be a sugar-baby.
.
"I have three thoughts about how to interpret that," Hibiscus said, his hands on the steering wheel of his hybrid car.
.
"Oh?" I said.
.
"But you'll have to kiss me to hear them," he said. We were on a highway without much traffic. His hybrid cruised along quietly, almost silent at times.
.
Very quietly I moaned a "uhm..."
.
"Was that a yes?" he asked. He didn't wait for me to answer. "I think that was a yes," he said, hearing what he wanted to hear somehow in my unsureness.
.
I have to kiss him some time, I thought.
.
I don't want to kiss him, another part thought.
.
He's paying for me. Tonight we're going to give him everything he wants, so let him have the kiss.
.
I found myself wet at the idea of selling myself to him, once again. I leaned in and kissed him.
.
The passion in it surprised him, even if it was brief and not very deep physically, he sensed the depth of my focus, my intention.
.
"I didn't expect that," he said quietly.
.
It was perfect for him to buy that kiss from me, but later to have sex as a meeting of hearts - not as a business transaction. Yes, I enjoy that fantasy, but a first time with someone carries connotation. I'm glad it was an exchange of love, freely given.
.
In the morning I wrote to Paladin, "I was up until four again myself, and I'm awake again already, which is pretty close to an all-nighter. I've never done what I did last night before - taking the time to get emotionally comfortable... Every single part of self, one at a time, for as long as it takes without any self-blame about not being a perfect."