Impulsive Choices: Dolphin & I Sorting Things Out
Dolphin writes, "I still feel really out of sorts and I have to see how much of myself I've collected by Saturday."
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With a sigh, I reply, "I see, I kinda thought so since I had not heard from you. Are you feeling like perhaps saying "yes" to being my girlfriend was fairly impulsive and you're not sure how you feel about it now? If it is something else, or if I'm being vain to assume it is about me, well, that's fine too."
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Dolphin writes me back, "I do feel like it was impulsive, and it's not that I am distraught over being with you, because I love spending time with you and I think you are a beautiful person inside and out."
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I sit back and reflect for a moment. Do I really even think of her as my girlfriend? She said "being with you," so that means she thinks of it that way. But despite asking her and her acceptance, I sense her misgivings. I sense that it may have been too quick of a response without giving her time to think. I did ask rather spontaneously, right in the middle of having a lot of emotions about having just kissed her.
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Dolphin continues, "What is up in the air for me is 'Who am I? What do I want? What fits best for me?' I've been answering those questions before you asked me to be your girlfriend - months before... And I don't think what I want and what works best for me fits with a poly lifestyle."
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Internally I cringe a bit. I've had some of those same thoughts about myself.
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Dolphin continues, "I have to many concerns and insecurities about it and I don't want to bring that kind of doubt to any relationship, especially if it would mean potentially ruining our friendship. I feel cowardly telling you this via facebook message. It was not my original intent, but you hit on something valid that I wasn't even sure how to express. And I just.. well... I didn't want to simply ignore this feeling for days because it would be better to discuss it in person. And it still can be. I don't want to run away and hide because you are important to me.
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"Also, I need time to get my physical space together. I've been living in a cluttered mess, literally jumping from chair to bed because I can barely walk through my room. I need to get myself sorted out."
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And I write back, carefully considering and collecting my thoughts as much as I can:
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I understand. A cluttered space is often a reflection of a cluttered internal struggle, and as one starts to clean up the emotions and "clear the air" the inspiration to clean up the external clutter comes, and it becomes more and more of a strain to have external clutter, to the point where it can halt the clarifying of internal clutter. At least, that is my experience of it.
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I know you're unsure about your future, and what you really want/need, and whether or not you're really poly or not. But you have a place in my heart, and that isn't going anywhere regardless of titles of lifestyles or even distance. I've never been as close to any other woman as I am to you.
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I think there is a balance somewhere between being spontaneous and being rational, and because you're so good at listening to your heart, and also because you're good at rationally looking at things, it can be confusing... Because what is considered "appropriate" usually doesn't follow logic or heart... "Appropriate" usually has to do with false pretense, corporate interest and severe emotional blockages that are trying to perpetuate themselves.
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Every time we're together I feel more connected with my feelings afterward. That is priceless to me. :D
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I am very insecure too, but I don't wear my heart on my sleeve as much as you do (at this juncture in my life, but who knows about later on), and it doesn't show as much. But it is there. I have been questioning whether I am really cut-out for poly, whether I hold strong to my own values, whether or not I'm actually doing what is best for my health out of love for myself or just out of fear of pain...
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I question how people receive me when they meet me. I wonder if I make good impressions. I often critique myself harshly after social interactions thinking that I didn't do the "right" thing or the "best" thing. I often worry that I'm making others feel uncomfortable by being so "out there" but there in a desperate desire to feel loved for who I am I keep pushing my most outlandish facets of myself on other people, internally begging them to love me anyway.
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I have come to the conclusion that nearly everyone is really insecure. This society seems to breed insecurity very profoundly.
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Oryx brought me the breakthrough understanding that nobody really feels 100% one way about anything. Somewhere in us we can find at least 1% that feels otherwise, and for most of the things in our lives, we feel 40% one way, 20% another way, and 40% yet some other way, you know?
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And society doesn't accept that. It says, "How do you feel?" and wants a 100%-one-way sort of answer. Like, "I feel totally 100% happy about the idea of going on a hike with you." But that's never true. There are little tiny bits that feel other ways, or even large bits. And that's okay. In fact, it is good. It means we're capable of flexibility.
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You seem to show your parts that don't agree more often than most people, but then it seems like maybe you get a little shy about it, like, "Well, I said that, but I also said that, and those contradict each other, and I don't want to be a hypocrite." So see, you're being rational, in-touch with your emotions, and also trying to be appropriate at the same time. At well, I think sometimes being smart, logical and in-touch-with-one's-heart means being totally "inappropriate" - being labelled a hypocrite, or being perceived as "immature", or some other such nonsense.
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Being rational plus in-touch implies things like sunbathing naked in one's garden... Not considered appropriate. It implies sometimes talking about controversial topics at gatherings where some may feel uncomfortable, which can be seen as inappropriate.
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Anyway, I get this strong sense that you're struggling with this, even though you have not said so, and so maybe I'm just exploring a concept and maybe it isn't as relevant as I think it is... But what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to follow societal norms/okays with me. Just do what feels right and seems logical to you. [big grins]
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[hugs]