A paler shade of white
Title: A paler shade of white
Author: alles_luege
Pairing: Frank/Gerard, Ryan/Spencer/Brendon, Pete/Patrick, also kind of Travis/William/Vicky/Gabe
Rating: R
Summary: Gerard is only eight years old when he dies and his unlife begins. Roughly 70 years of Gerard being tiny and emo, Ryan being mean and Travis being awesome. Also, with bonus Pete/Patrick!
Warning(s): kissing, sex, vampires, mentions of violence and child abuse
Author’s Notes: Important! This is loosely based on theopteryx 's and shoemaster 's not!fic. Prequel to 'Shades of black or Gerard the littlest vampire'. Can be read on its own. Posted in two parts for length.
Word Count: 14.851
Beta: figilio_vampiri and tygermine (Thank you both so much!)
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real.
~1~
Mikey is sick. He has been sick since that day they were caught in the rain. And it was Gerard's fault. It's Gerard's fault Mikey is sick. Because Gerard is older and he should have known better.
It's only natural that his mom sends him to fetch the doctor, even if it's getting dark outside already. His dad is away and Gerard doesn't know when he will be back. They never know.
“Don't forget your scarf!” she yells after him, and he grabs it and makes for the door. It's cold outside and it starts to rain again, but that's okay, because no one will see him cry. He needs to hurry so Mikey will get better soon.
He rounds a corner in full speed and crashes into something solid. He staggers and would have fallen, but a hand grabs his wrist lightening fast. He gasps, tries to say something - a thank you, maybe - and then everything goes black.
~+~
“Oh NO!” The voice sounds angry and he struggles to sit up, to open his eyes, but everything feels so heavy, so far away and his body just doesn't want to cooperate with him.
“I couldn't resist! Look at him! Like a black-wrapped candy! Soft and delicious...” another voice says.
“He is a child. Ryan!” the first voice says.
“Don't sound so disapproving, he is not dead, for god's sake!” Ryan answers, he sounds a bit annoyed.
“Will he make it?” the other voice asks, it sounds hopeful. Gerard begins to understand that they are talking about him, but he can't remember what happened. He needs to get up and get a doctor so Mikey will be alright again.
“Ahem...” Ryan says.
“Ryan!” A third voice says, it sounds pissed off and stern.
“He killed a child, Spencer!” The second voice says. He sounds like he is going to cry. Gerard tries to get up again. It just doesn't work, he feels so weak.
“Ryan!”
“He is not dead, Brendon, and besides, look at him. Cute as a button...” Ryan says again. He leans over Gerard and strokes his face, his fingers feel...not exactly cold, but chilly.
“He is not going to survive...” Brendon says.
“Dispose of him before he dies, I don't want to deal with it,” Spencer says.
“He could, we can't! He is a child... We could, maybe we could keep him?” Brendon sounds hopeful.
“We can't keep a dead body,” Spencer says annoyed.
“NO!” Brendon answers.
“No,” Ryan says as things fall in place. Gerard is still confused and weak.
“We are not letting him die.”
This time Brendon sounds stern. And then he looks down at Gerard and he looks so pretty and smiles at Gerard and Gerard can't help it. He smiles back “I'm going to make you better...you'll see.”
“Okay...” Gerard manages to whisper.
“Here you need to drink this. It's medicine,” Brendon says. And Gerard trusts him, or maybe he is too weak to fight and it really tastes good...
~+~
It's dark outside when he wakes up and he has no idea how much time has passed. Someone sits beside his bed, just, it's not his bed.
“Where am I?” he asks. Everything smells sharp and delicious and he is really hungry.
“At our house, you can stay here,” Brendon says, softly. He is stroking a cold hand over Gerard's cheek.
“I need to fetch a doctor for Mikey... I can't stay here.”
“Are you feeling better then?” Brendon asks.
“Yes, hungry though.”
“Of course,” Brendon says and gets up. He comes back a few minutes later with a glass full of something red.
“I'm not supposed to drink wine,” Gerard says a bit confused and his head hurts from all the noise. Where is all the noise coming from anyway?
“Just drink it, you will feel better after,” Brendon says with a smile and Gerard just takes the glass and doesn't argue. It tastes delicious, like nothing he has ever tasted and it makes the hunger go away as well.
“Thank you,” he says giving the glass back.
“You should sleep now,” Brendon answers and Gerard nods.
~+~
He slips away as soon as Brendon leaves the house with the other two people that are living there. The streets smell sharp and delicious and he is hungry again, but he needs to go back home. Needs to make sure his mom is okay and that a doctor was there to make Mikey better. He finds the house dark and cold.
It smells all wrong and he can't even put a finger on it. There is ash in the fireplace, but it seems old. He shivers, not from the cold of the small house, but from something else he can't describe properly.
“Here you are,” Brendon says quietly behind him.
“Where is Mikey? And my mom?” He doesn't ask about the baby because it was still inside his mom and he really, really wants a baby sister.
“Mikey is gone and your mom...and your dad they moved away,” Brendon says.
“But?” He can't understand this, he is here and where is Mikey? “Where is Mikey?” he asks.
“He is dead, Gerard, he died...” Brendon answers softly. Gerard shakes his head, denying what Brendon is saying. It can’t be true. It just can’t.
“Why are they gone?” he asks. He is going to cry any second now. He knows it.
“Hey, no... Come here,” Brendon says, Gerard shakes his head violently. He doesn't want comfort. He doesn't deserve comfort. It was his fault Mikey died, he...no. It was Ryan. Ryan kept him away.
“No,” he says, but Brendon is stronger and bigger and he just wraps his arms around Gerard's small body and Gerard can't help it: he cries light pink tears that stain Brendon's white shirt.
“You need to come home with me now. Spencer and Ryan are worried sick already I imagine.”
Gerard takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to go home to Ryan. Ryan did this. This is Ryan's fault. Besides this is his home. This cold, small, empty house.
“I don't. I want to be with my mom.”
“She is gone. Moved away...” Brendon says and Gerard doesn't know what to answer.
Later he will, later when he finds out that Ryan gave them money and told them their kid was dead and that they need to think of the future, of the unborn little girl inside his mom. And he will hate Ryan. Hate him with all he has, and it will take him years, decades to forgive Ryan and Spencer and Brendon for not being able to stop Ryan. For giving in. For loving him and letting this happen.
Brendon picks him up and lets him cry and takes him back home.
~+~
“I don't even care,” Ryan says pissed off. “You wanted him, you can teach him stuff. I will not baby sit that brat,” he finishes.
“You should be glad! You would have killed him!”
“I don't care about that. And you well fucking know it. They are just food to me,” Ryan answers.
“And still, you turned me,” Brendon says. His voice quiet but firm. Gerard is tired of their arguing, it's not like with his parents, but it's still unsettling.
“Bren...” Ryan says softly, grabbing Brendon's neck gently and making their foreheads touch before he kisses Brendon on the lips. Gerard gasps. He has never seen two men kiss and he doesn't think it's right. Ryan turns to glare at Gerard and Gerard tries to disappear into the big chair he has curled up in.
“Ryan,” Brendon says, softly. His right hand is curled around Ryan's scarf, tugging gently.
“You better get over it and fast kid,” Ryan says with a mean look, before he turns to kiss Brendon again.
And that's the day Gerard learns that there are more forms of love than the one his parents share. It's also the day Ryan makes him kill his first victim. And the day he begins to hate Ryan.
He thinks he would leave if he knew where to go, if he thought he already knew everything that would make him survive on his own. He feels still weak three hours before sunrise.
“It's because you are a child,” Brendon tells him one night. He has lived with them for three months now. He hunts with Brendon or Spencer, but his favourite is Brendon. He is sitting on Brendon's lap, listening to a fairytale. He likes Brendon the best. Brendon always reads him stories before sunrise and doesn't make him kill.
He learned that Spencer doesn't particularly care either way, he just doesn't want witnesses. So it's okay to hunt with Spencer, besides Spencer buys him nice clothes and a lot of shoes. It's hard to hate someone like Spencer anyway, because when he smiles, the room seems to get brighter.
~+~
His sixth year in he asks about why he doesn't grow up and Brendon looks lost and sad and Spencer's face closes off and Ryan says: “You will always be like this!” in a voice that bears no argument.
“It's because you made me this...this thing,” Gerard answers sharply.
“A vampire, use the fucking word, it will not bite you. I will. Your head off if you snap at me again like that!” Ryan snaps. And Gerard knows better, but he is angry and he hates Ryan so much at times that it scares him.
“So finish the job!” he yells. Brendon takes a sharp breath, standing up.
“Ryan,” he says, because Ryan looks murderous.
“Don't you think for one second I won't!” he says sharply. His voice cold as ice.
“Oh, I don't doubt it, cos you are a heartless bastard on your best days!” Gerard yells back. He doesn't even see it coming - suddenly he is hitting the opposite wall hard. His head hurts, like everything else as he slides down and lands in a heap on the carpet. He was hit so hard there is blood on the pale beige wallpaper.
“Ryan!” Spencer says sharply and Ryan glares at him and then he just sits down.
“Take him away, out of my fucking sight,” Ryan says and his voice is full of things Gerard can't understand.
“Gerard, honey...come here,” Brendon says. He picks Gerard up carefully and brings him upstairs into his room where he lays Gerard on the bed, sitting down beside him. They can hear arguing, raised voices and Ryan hissing at Spencer from the living room.
“I hate him,” Gerard says quietly, with cold fury. And he knows it's true.
“Gerard...” Brendon sighs, he is stroking Gerard's head with his cold fingers and Gerard leans into the touch. Brendon did never anything to hurt him.
“I don't hate you,” Gerard whispers, because that's the truth as well.
“Maybe you should,” Brendon answers, his fingers stilling, tangled in Gerard's hair.
“I could never hate you,” Gerard says.
“But I wanted this,” Brendon answers. Gerard smiles, he knows that. He remembers.
“But it was him who killed me, who took me away, because I was a black-wrapped candy...”
Brendon gasps. “You remember,” he whispers.
“Yeah, everything. I don't hate you, you made me better. Stronger...” Gerard answers.
“Hush,” Brendon says, kissing Gerard's head. He rips his wrist open and lets Gerard drink. It helps instantly.
“Thank you,” Gerard says tired.
“I love you,” Brendon whispers.
“I love you too,” Gerard says and knows that's the only reason he is still alive.
~+~
He's sixteen. Sixteen in an eight year old body. He counts the days, the years, earlier he even counted the hours. Nothing is changing. He is still a delicious looking petit four, as Brendon calls him sometimes, as Ryan mocks him sometimes. He wants to rip Ryan's throat out when he does, and he knows Ryan knows he does and that he can't, because he is just not strong enough. Will maybe never be.
~+~
The first time it does something to him - seeing Ryan biting Spencer's throat - is when he's fourteen. He dismisses it as blood lust. It doesn't stop and one evening when he walks in on Ryan and Brendon he growls low in his throat. He can't help it. He sees Ryan smirk the split second before Spencer shuts the door firmly.
Something inside him clenches and wants out. Something low in his stomach. Something he can't name, isn't sure how to describe, how to get.
~+~
“He loves you!” Ryan says. Gerard is standing just outside the kitchen and he doesn't dare move, because movement would give him away. It's freaky how Ryan always knows he is nearby. And the only reason he can imagine why Ryan doesn't seem to sense him now is maybe because he is too deep into whatever they are discussing now without Gerard.
“Of course,” Brendon answers calmly.
“No, Brendon, he is in love with you,” Spencer says.
“He is a child,” Brendon replies, denying any implications.
“He is sixteen. Sixteen, Brendon. I see how he looks at you, how he looks at Spencer!” Ryan answers. Gerard can hear him pacing the kitchen. He doesn't even know why they have one. As none of them eats real food. Maybe because it would be suspicious to not have one? “How he looks at me and let me tell you, it's not fucking pretty. This will end badly and soon,” Ryan finishes.
“What are you talking about?” Brendon asks faintly.
“He needs to go,” Ryan answers, his voice hard.
“No fucking way am I sending Gerard away!” Brendon shouts. Gerard hears Spencer take a sharp breath.
“Brendon,” he says.
“No way, Spencer. I don't care, he never liked Ryan. From the beginning he hated you. You made him hate you...” Brendon says to Ryan, his voice a whisper on the last few words.
And Gerard really doesn't want to hear anymore.
~+~
He's lying in bed a few hours away from sunset, restless, shifting, thinking about Brendon. Brendon's lips, his hands, his teeth. His hands clenching in the sheets. Something inside him screaming for release. He just doesn't know how.
He doesn't hear Brendon entering.
“Hey...you not hungry?” he asks softly.
Gerard's eyes snap open. “No, I'm not.”
Brendon sits down on the bed and looks out of the window. It's still dark outside. He reaches out to stroke Gerard's hair and Gerard, he doesn't even mean to, jerks away.
“Gerard, honey...” Brendon says. He looks lost, Gerard thinks. He turns his head into the pillow so he doesn't need to look at Brendon's sad face.
“I just can't. Not tonight, okay?” Gerard mumbles into his pillow.
“Can I... Is it okay if I kiss you goodnight?” Brendon asks. Gerard nods, not looking at Brendon. Brendon's lips feel cold and dry and he smells faintly like Spencer and blood. “Goodnight, Gerard,” Brendon says.
“Night, Brendon.”
~+~
He doesn't know why Ryan lets him watch. Because he knows that Ryan knows he is there, standing at the door which isn't closed firmly shut, like it usually is. He hears Brendon moan and takes a sharp breath. His lip is bleeding, because he bit it so hard preventing himself from making any sounds.
Gerard knows that Brendon is usually too far gone to notice his presence. What with Ryan biting, licking, kissing his skin. Full of blood, he smells delicious. Sharp and, he can't really place the other smell. It makes him heady like blood does sometimes.
Gerard had a vague idea of what they are doing when they are alone. Usually not even in the house, as Spencer doesn't like doing it with Gerard there, Gerard knows, but he never has seen it. Has never seen Brendon gasp and beg, has never seen Spencer flushed like this, has never seen how Ryan goes down on Brendon, he heard things about this kind of sex, but he had no idea. He takes another breath and tries to make his heart stop beating so loud in his chest. (It still beats, slower, but it beats, he still breathes when there is blood in his veins.) He turns and leans against the wall in the hall. He doesn't think he can just go, doesn't think he wants to, but he knows he can't watch either, just listening to it makes him ache. Makes him want to touch, Brendon and Spencer and grab Ryan's hair and pull, bite, lick and he doesn't know what, how, he just doesn't know, because his body wants something he can't get.
~+~
It takes him another year before he leaves. It’s the day he learns what Ryan did. That Spencer and Brendon, his Brendon, knew about it and just let it happen. Sent his family away, made them believe he was dead. He doesn't even know where they are now.
“You made them leave me!” he yells and Ryan looks murderous. Like this one day years ago when he hit Gerard for the first time (and the last, Spencer made sure of that) and Spencer steps in front of Gerard. Gerard's hands are clenched into tiny fists. He feels so angry and he thought, he told Brendon he couldn't ever hate him, but in this moment he's really close to hating Brendon.
“You were dead! You are dead!” Ryan answers sharply.
“You took me away from them. For stupid selfish reasons! You took me away and it's your fault Mikey died!” Gerard screams. It's the truth, if Ryan hadn't taken him, then Gerard would have been able to fetch the doctor and maybe Mikey would be still alive and he wouldn't be a monster. Feeding off people. Children.
“Gerard...” Brendon tries.
“And you knew! You knew what he did! All these years you knew and...I trusted you! I loved you!” he yells and what makes him even angrier is that he still loves Brendon and that Brendon will never love him back! Not like he loves Ryan, not like he loves Spencer, not like Gerard wants him to love him! Brendon flinches as if burned and Ryan takes a step towards Gerard.
“Don't you fucking dare!” he hisses. His voice cold as ice. And why? Why couldn't Ryan love him as well?!
“You made me like this! That's what you did!” Gerard answers.
“Gerard,” Spencer says in warning, not looking away from Ryan.
“What? It's true, he made me a monster and he never wanted me here and he never loved me like he loves you and you!” here he turns around to look at Brendon, “You never loved me like you love him!” he finishes. Brendon's eyes are wide and sad and he looks like he is going to burst into tears any second now.
“You little bastard!” Ryan yells, making a sudden move, but Brendon is at Gerard's side in an instant, taking the punch Spencer wasn't fast enough to stop. Ryan looks shocked, as does Spencer. There is blood on Brendon's face from his split lip.
“I hate you!” Gerard spits at Ryan, clinging to Brendon's leg, because he is too small to reach his hips or shoulders. He hears Ryan take a deep breath.
“I want him gone tomorrow or I swear I'm going to kill him,” he says.
“No way!” Brendon whispers harshly. He picks Gerard up and his blood smears, Gerard kisses it away.
“I'm sorry,” he whispers. “I'm sorry,” licking Brendon clean.
“It's not your fault, honey. I didn't think. I didn't think it would be like this. I didn't think you would grow up so fast,” Brendon says softly, kissing his cheek. Gerard wants to kiss his lips, wants all these things Brendon does with Ryan and Spencer.
“I wish I didn't,” Gerard says and Brendon does break into tears. They fall pale pink on his light blue shirt; staining it.
“I'm sorry,” Brendon says and Gerard kisses his lips. Just a soft press of his lips to Brendon's, that tastes like blood and salty tears.
“I want him gone,” Ryan repeats, but the fight is drained from him as he falls heavily onto the couch.
“Ryan,” Spencer says sharply.
“I mean it,” Ryan answers, closing his eyes. “He needs to go, not only for my sake, but for his and Brendon's as well,” he adds.
“No,” Brendon says, clinging to Gerard.
“I've seen how you look at him. You want to love him like he wants you to. I know you. It will break you,” Ryan says. Brendon bites his lower lip until it bleeds again.
“I'm sorry,” Gerard says, kissing the blood away. Spencer looks away from them and Gerard knows it's because he wants that too, that he wants Gerard too. “Let me down,” he whispers and Brendon does. “I will go,” he tells Ryan. Ryan just nods.
“Maybe William will take him...for a while,” Spencer says, biting his lip as well, his right hand finding Gerard's shoulder and squeezing it.
“Yeah, I'll write to him immediately,” Ryan answers, getting up and leaving them alone.
“You need to drink,” Spencer says.
“I'm not hungry,” Gerard answers and it's the truth. He is not. He feels drained and weak.
“You need to drink, you need to be strong,” Spencer says, opening his veins for Gerard like he did before. Spencer lets him feed off him once a month, so he grows strong, so he can be on his own, Gerard realizes. Because Spencer knew it would come to this. And he tried to do his best to make Gerard strong, to prepare him for a time when Spencer wouldn't be able to protect him anymore.
~2~
William is tall and beautiful and has a nice smile and Gerard thinks he hates him as well. Maybe it's because he doesn't want to allow himself to like anyone anymore. It would be too painful.
“So, which one made you?” William asks as they're getting into William's car.
“Brendon,” Gerard says. He is not going to talk much. It's one of his rules. He will not make William love him, he will not love William back.
“Should have known that...” William answers with a sigh. He starts the car and keeps silent except for singing something under his breath. He has a nice voice, Gerard thinks.
~+~
William lives in a hotel. Which is surprising to Gerard.
“Well, I don't like staying in one place too long,” William says upon entering.
“Oh...”
“Yeah, we will go to Sweden for a while, I need a change of air. And you need it too,” William answers. Sweden, Gerard thinks, is really far away from here. “Besides Travis hates it here anyway,” William adds.
“Damn right!” a voice says from the bedroom. Gerard doesn't jump but it's a close thing. “All this crap about skin colour, damn I hate this country a fucking lot,” Travis says, as he enters the living room. He is black and Gerard never saw a black man clothed like this and being well...
“He's not a servant,” Gerard says and Travis laughs out loud.
“He is cute as a button,” Travis says.
“Don't say that!” Gerard yells, suddenly angry. Travis looks at him.
“You need to get out of this fucking country as well.” He nods his head for emphasis. He takes out a cigarette, lights it and passes it over to William.
“Thanks,” William says.
“So, which one made him?”
“Brendon,” William answers, taking a deep drag.
“Should have known. Fuck,” Travis says with emphasis, he rubs his face with his free hand and takes another drag of his cigarette. Gerard sits down on one of the two couches.
“It's not normal to do that, right? To turn someone so small?” he asks.
“No, it's not. Even if you are strong for such a young one. Your body...”
“I can never grow up, I know...” Gerard says. Travis and William share a look, but Gerard is suddenly too tired to ask about it.
“Come on, you need to feed,” William says, opening the window and throwing the butt outside.
“Okay,” he answers, Travis picks him up and he snuggles into his chest. He needs to be close to someone and Travis seems like a good guy and he is so different from them. Like William is.
~+~
He learns that William is a snob when it comes to his food. He likes to hunt in company and he likes to play with his food, but he is not cruel about it. He seduces his victims and more often than not doesn't even kill them. Travis doesn't seem to care at all. But not one of them kills children. In fact Travis tries to stick to bad people. Murderers, child molesters, smugglers. It doesn't work always, but most of the time he is right.
Travis lets him feed off his victims and William from his veins and he feels like a spoiled child.
~+~
William meets Maja three months into their stay in Sweden. Gerard thinks she looks like an icequeen and she finds it funny. Her voice sounds like tiny bells when she laughs.
“He is really cute,” she says to William and William nods.
“He is also smart and an artist!” Travis throws in. He is lounging on the couch, smoking a cigarette and staring into his coffee, he doesn't drink it, but he likes how it smells and the warmth. Winter in Sweden is really fucking cold, even for vampires. Gerard thinks he feels it more than they do because he is still so fucking young, not even twenty years old yet.
“So, you paint little one?” she asks, her fingers stroking soft over his skin, he nods. “What do you paint?”
“A bit of everything, I guess,” he answers shrugging.
“I bet.” She sits down on the couch. William is standing at the window looking into the dark winter night. There are snowflakes spinning around in the wind.
She stays with them for four months and Gerard paints her several times in pale blue and shades of silver.
He cries when they part and she tells him he could stay and part of him wants to. But he doesn't think he can leave William and Travis who are like his parents now. He doesn't want to be an orphan. She kisses him goodbye and he thinks he will remember her scent - like snow and fresh blood and wood - for the rest of his life.
~+~
They meet Greta by chance. She is running away from someone and Travis just breaks that someone's neck. Snaps it in two.
“Oops”? he says, letting the body fall to the ground. She doesn't scream. She nods her thanks and leans against a wall. It's late autumn in Germany and Gerard wanted to go out and see The Berlin Wall.
“Thanks,” she says. Travis smiles at her; his fangs carefully hidden. Her English is really good and she doesn't seem freaked out. “So, where are you from?” she asks, as she is able to breathe again.
“America, the great land of...everything I guess.”
“This your way of protesting Vietnam?” she asks. It's not, Gerard knows, this is Travis’ way of protesting everything that is wrong with the country he was born in, but he nods, because it's not a lie either.
“I'm Travis,” he says.
“Greta,” she answers with a smile. “And you?” she asks Gerard.
“Gerard,” he answers. He wants to paint her. She is just so beautiful. Not like Maja, who looks like an icequeen forever young and cold, but like a sunny afternoon.
“Wanna come back to our hotel?” Travis asks and Gerard gives him a look. He likes her, he doesn't want her eaten! She laughs.
“Sure,” she answers.
~+~
She puts flowers into her hair and doesn't mind that they never seem to eat and that they're living in an expensive hotel, she stays. And Gerard paints her.
“You are really a talented little guy, aren't you?” she asks one evening, she smells like hay and wild flowers.
“Guess so,” he answers shrugging.
“So...William and Travis, are they...together?” she asks with a small move of her hand.
“Don't think so, they aren't sleeping together,” Gerard answers, because he really doesn't think it's like with Brendon and Ryan and Spencer with them. They are just friends.
“They seem close. You seem close.”
“We are,” William says from behind her and she jumps a bit.
“You need to stop doing that, I'll die of a heart attack one of these days if you keep it up.” She laughs as she says it, so Gerard doesn't worry.
“I'll try,” he says, lighting a cigarette.
“Hey...can I ask you something?” she says.
“Sure.”
“You are not human, are you?” she asks. Gerard shots William a look, but William just smiles. He looks beautiful when he does and young. Really young.
“No, we're not,” he answers. She nods.
“Thought so,” she says and that's all.
They leave Germany in the middle of the 80's. Heading for Great Britain. Gerard leaves her a family portrait. Him, William, Travis and Greta. Because she became part of their family even if she never got turned. It's not that William didn't ask her, she just refused with a soft laugh, kissing his cheek. Neither of them drank from her. Because a vampire or not, she was theirs.
William promises to write, and Gerard knows him, knows he will until his letters will be sent back to him.
~+~
On the second night William runs into Gabe and Vicky. He brings them back to the hotel and Travis laughs out loud as he sees them and William's flushed cheeks. They are both really young and maybe runaway kids. Not older than fourteen. Gerard doesn't understand at first. Some things are still unclear to him as he is forced to behave like a child. Sometimes it's easier to be a child. Sometimes he feels himself slip.
“Oh my god! He is so adorable!” Vicky says and picks him up before he can even blink. “Is he yours?” she asks William.
“He is ours,” Travis throws in.
“Really? He doesn't look like you at all...” she answers. Travis laughs.
“But like him?” he asks.
“Well, he is pale like Bill,” she answers, shrugging. Gerard loves how she smells and her hair and how her blue dress clings to her soft curves.
He loves Gabe's loud laugh and stupid colourful clothes and tight jeans and big glasses. He paints them in bright colours and even sometimes uses glitter.
Time is slipping through his fingers and Britain is great and loud and wonderful. Gabe thinks so as well. Vicky works part time at a club and lets William feed off her sometimes. Gerard can smell her on William. Her blood and her sweat and other things he has words for now, but doesn't like to think about. With Vicky and Gabe things are shifting, changing. They form a new kind of family. Not like with Greta, like with those intense months with Maja where everything seemed a good idea. This is different and dangerous, because Gabe is reckless and Vicky wicked. It doesn't matter in the long run, he loves them and he knows William and Travis do as well. It's just a matter of time before they ask and Gerard knows they will say yes.
He begins to miss his home, America, in the early 90's. He feels restless and like they should move.
“I want to go home,” he says one Wednesday evening. William is lying curled up around Gabe, Vicky stroking his hair. Travis doesn't look up from the book he is reading, but Gerard knows he is paying attention.
“Great Britain too small for you?” William asks.
“No, I just want to go home...I want to,” he sighs and looks up from the drawing he was working on, one of Vicky.
“We don't know where they are,” Travis says carefully. Gerard swallows. He was thinking about Brendon in the last few months more, but that is not the only reason he wants to go home.
“It's not that, I want to find my family,” Gerard answers. William sits up and Gabe makes a displeased noise low in his throat. Vicky smiles and begins to pet his hair.
“Your human family? You have a human family?” William asks.
“Yes, Ryan made them go away, but I know I have a sister, at least I have a sister,” Gerard answers, and Ryan's name still tastes bitter on his tongue. William opens his arms and he gets up and crawls into his lap and lets William pet his hair and kiss his face and listens to William's slow heartbeat, because he hasn’t fed for a few days.
They leave for Chicago a month later and they're taking Gabe and Vicky with them.
~3~
Chicago is everything he remembers and completely different. He was away nearly 50 years; of course it was bound to change.
Travis makes William rent an apartment in the city. Gerard knows he had help from Vicky and Gabe, who might be a bit sick of hotels. Or maybe Travis just wants a place of his own for a while. Gerard isn't sure, but he is glad. He likes the new place and he likes that they are using the kitchen as well, it makes life more normal. Except for Greta, they never lived with humans before. Well, Gerard didn't.
~+~
Vicky is making some kind of red soup and Gabe...well, Gabe is smoking up in the entrance to the kitchen. He smokes more these days, Gerard can sense a kind of restlessness from him, he can't put a finger on, but it seems familiar. Gerard pushes him aside and he looks down.
“You are a really strong little vampire, aren't you, honey?” Gabe asks. Gerard used to flinch whenever someone called him 'honey' before, but he got used to it in the few years Gabe and Vicky are staying with them.
“All vampires are strong,” he answers shrugging. “What are you making?” he asks Vicky. She turns, picks him up and sets him on the counter.
“Tomato paprika soup with chilli.”
“Sounds spicy,” Gabe says, he exhales smoke, leaning on the wall, looking at them.
“It sure as hell is,” she answers. Gerard likes when she cooks dinner. It always smells nice. “Will you set the table for me, honey?” she asks, adding a bit more pepper to the soup. A strand of her long hair is falling into her eyes as she does and he brushes it away. She smiles.
“Of course,” he says, hopping down and taking out bowls and spoons. They usually sit together at the table and he looks at the clock, counting the seconds. William bursts through the door just as he sets the last spoon onto the table.
“You're late,” Gabe drawls. He got tall over the last few years. He and Vicky are not kids anymore. They are not the strays William took in one night.
“Where's Travis?”
“In his room, he came back earlier than you,” Vicky answers, setting the pot on the table.
“Damn, but I'm on time,” William answers, sitting down.
“You have blood on your chin,” Vicky says. Gabe reaches over and wipes it away: it smudges. William takes a sharp breath. Gerard shakes his head.
“Let me,” he says, leaning forward and licking it away, there is another sharp intake of breath. He thinks it might be Vicky.
“Thanks,” William answers. Gerard shrugs.
“She tastes delicious,” Gerard says, sitting down on his chair.
“She was,” William answers.
“Eat your soup children,” Travis says as he enters the kitchen. Vicky puts a mug of coffee in front of him and he nods his thanks. He doesn't drink it, but he inhales the smell and warms his fingers on the mug. They chatter while they eat. It's like having a family again. Gerard likes it.
~+~
“So, there is this family by the name Way,” Gabe says, Gerard sits up in his bed.
“You found them?”
“Not sure, the records say something about a Helena Way, she lives with her daughter.” Gabe shrugs giving Gerard the piece of paper with the address. Gabe is a bit like William: He likes to write things down.
“Thanks,” Gerard says. Gabe nods.
“No problem. Family is important,” he says.
Yeah, Gerard thinks that as well. He misses Mikey in an abstract way, he knew him too short a time to really miss him, but he misses the idea of having someone like Mikey. Someone who is like him. Despite all this he would never ask William or Travis for a brother or a sister. It wouldn't be fair. When he's doomed, he should be doomed alone.
Gabe sits down on the bed. It's unexpected. Gerard raises one eyebrow, he knows he learned it from Spencer, but he doesn't seem to let go of his past. He had...Not everything was bad. He misses Brendon sometimes. He misses how Brendon used to read fairy-tales to him. William never did, and Travis only reads poems, which are nice too, but not the same.
“Listen,” Gabe begins, he grabs Gerard's shoulder and makes him lean against Gabe, slings an arm around him and strokes his hair while he speaks. “She is your sister, but she is old and she has a daughter and her daughter is pregnant...you will not do anything stupid?” Gabe asks. Gerard swallows. He didn't think he was so obvious.
“I...” he tries, but he won’t say 'I won’t' because he can’t make any promises.
“I know we are not blood related, I mean, not even you and Travis and William are, but we are your family. We...you took us in, Vicky and me and we love you,” Gabe finishes and it's rare that Gabe speaks like this, that he actually words his feelings so openly, honesty without any mockery.
Gerard buries his head in Gabe's stupid pink shirt.
“I know, I love you too,” Gerard answers and it's the truth. He didn't want to, but it's hard not to love William, or Travis or Gabe and Vicky.
Gabe nods, Gerard can feel it, even if he can't see it. They stay like this: Gabe stroking his hair and Gerard listening to Gabe's heartbeat. Calming him down.
~+~
He meets Helena one evening in the park. It's not by chance, he knew she would be there, as she always goes for a walk on Wednesday evenings. He sits down on the bench beside her and just watches her from the corner of his eye.
He meets her the week after as well, and the week after that and then she doesn't come for two weeks and he is crushed even if he never talks to her. She is back the third week.
“You look like someone I would have liked to know,” she says that time, not looking at him. She is staring up at the sky.
“You weren't here last week,” he answers softly.
“My daughter has a child now. His name is Mikey,” she answers and turns to smile down at him.
“Mikey...” Gerard whispers. She smiles.
“After one of my brothers...he died when he was really young and I wasn't even born. I miss them both, stupid, hmm?” She says.
“No,” Gerard answers. It's really not, he misses Mikey as well and he misses Helena and not growing up with her.
~+~
“You are stalking your sister,” William says one morning, there is blood on his shirt. He's lying on the couch, smoking a cigarette, exhaling smoke slowly. He looks really fucking pretty and Gerard's fingers ache for a pen. He shrugs. William sighs. “This is dangerous, she could recognise you,” he says.
“She wasn't even born at the time I became this,” Gerard says. William raises an eyebrow, because Gerard rarely uses this term when it comes to himself these days. He uses the word 'vampire' like everyone in the family does.
“Your parents loved you, they told her about you and Mikey, they sure as hell kept all the photographs as well,” William answers.
“You're telling me to stop seeing her?” Gerard asks.
“Yes, that's what I'm doing. I like it here, Chicago is great at this time of year or century, whatever. I like the house; I would like to stay a bit longer.”
Gerard nods, he knows William, under all these pretty words there is a warning he can't ignore. William will make them leave if it should be necessary, but he will not be pleased about it. And Gerard actually doesn't want to be on William’s bad side. Travis told him all about Tom and ...well, besides Gerard loves William and he knows William loves him back.
“You didn't eat,” William says softly, reaching out for Gerard and Gerard takes it, curling up to William. Listening to the too slow beat of his heart. “Wanna eat something?” William asks. Gerard shakes his head. He doesn't feel hungry. “Okay, but you're going to hunt with Travis tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Gerard says into William's light green shirt. It smells like spring rain and blood.
~+~
He doesn't talk to her anymore, doesn't meet her anymore, but he can't seem to leave her alone. So he sometimes goes by her house. Looks through the windows. Watches. Watches her with Donna and little Mikey on her knees. He hears her sometimes too, when the window is open, she tells the baby stories. About when she was a little girl and about her brothers who are angels now. And Gerard swears to himself to never let her know that he is as far from an angel as you can get. She reads poems to Mikey as well and shows him pictures. Things Gerard had long forgotten. It makes him sad and he doesn't like to feel like he doesn't belong. And this makes him feel like he doesn't belong.
Gabe looks up from his place in Travis' lap when Gerard enters the living room and William silently makes room for him on the couch.
“Where's Vicky?” he asks, sitting down, letting William pull him into his lap and wrap his impossibly long arms around him.
“Working late,” Gabe says.
“You gonna pick her up later?”
“Travis will,” Gabe answers, Gerard nods.
“So, what is wrong with you, honey?” William asks into his neck.
“Helena knows...” Gerard says. Gabe looks up again, Travis places his hand over Gabe's chest and he lays down. Closing his eyes; letting Travis pet his hair.
“She's old,” Travis says and it's not meant for Gerard, it's aimed at William. William nods, Gerard can fell the soft brush of his hair against his neck. It makes him shiver. Makes him want.
“It's okay,” William says, his lips brushing Gerard's skin softly. Gerard isn't sure he means the whole Helena-thing or something else, but he nods nevertheless.
~+~
Gabe starts a band sometime in the nineties. William blames it on Kurt Cobain, Travis laughs and gives Gabe his first guitar. Just brings it home one Monday evening. Gabe kinda kisses him full on the lips. William makes a face, but Gerard knows he isn't annoyed, just playing the bitch.
“I've got something for you too, pretty princess,” Travis says, as Gabe lets go of him to sit down on the soft carpet William insisted they buy (it doesn't match anything except William's teacups in the flat) to play a song. William raises one eyebrow.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Travis says, taking out a small box and handing it over. William takes it, opens it and laughs out loud. Travis grins. Gerard looks over Gabe's shoulder into the box.
“Cuff links?” he asks.
“Yeah,” William says, he is smiling. It's his true smile, that one that he only smiles when he is really happy or touched.
“It's something from your past, right?” Gerard asks.
“Yes, it is,” William says and to Travis: “Thank you.”
Travis shrugs. “They clearly had your name on them.”
“I see, Vicky and I are totally the stepchildren...” Gerard says a bit sulky.
“No, just you, I got Vicky a bracelet!” Travis says, taking another box out of his jacket. Gerard sits down on the couch and snuggles into William's bony side.
“Don't be mean,” William says, but his eyes are still dancing.
“Okay, kid. Here,” Travis says, taking out an envelope. Gerard gives Travis a look, but takes it anyway.
He can't breath for a few seconds, William kisses his temple and Gerard takes a deep breath. It's an old faded photograph of him and Mikey.
“Thank you,” he whispers. Travis bends down and kisses the top of Gerard's head.
“You're very welcome,” he says.
~+~
When Mikey is three he sees Gerard outside his window and waves and Gerard waves back, but doesn't try to talk to him.
Gerard leaves when Mikey is six. He leaves without saying goodbye in person, just leaves a letter. He was thinking about it, thinking about leaving, because he recognised the kind of feelings he had for Brendon once. He didn't mean to fall in love, it just happened.
The only thing he knows as he leaves is that he will never be friends with adults again. It just intensifies the pain, and that he will write William letters, so they know he's okay.
continue
Author: alles_luege
Pairing: Frank/Gerard, Ryan/Spencer/Brendon, Pete/Patrick, also kind of Travis/William/Vicky/Gabe
Rating: R
Summary: Gerard is only eight years old when he dies and his unlife begins. Roughly 70 years of Gerard being tiny and emo, Ryan being mean and Travis being awesome. Also, with bonus Pete/Patrick!
Warning(s): kissing, sex, vampires, mentions of violence and child abuse
Author’s Notes: Important! This is loosely based on theopteryx 's and shoemaster 's not!fic. Prequel to 'Shades of black or Gerard the littlest vampire'. Can be read on its own. Posted in two parts for length.
Word Count: 14.851
Beta: figilio_vampiri and tygermine (Thank you both so much!)
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real.
~1~
Mikey is sick. He has been sick since that day they were caught in the rain. And it was Gerard's fault. It's Gerard's fault Mikey is sick. Because Gerard is older and he should have known better.
It's only natural that his mom sends him to fetch the doctor, even if it's getting dark outside already. His dad is away and Gerard doesn't know when he will be back. They never know.
“Don't forget your scarf!” she yells after him, and he grabs it and makes for the door. It's cold outside and it starts to rain again, but that's okay, because no one will see him cry. He needs to hurry so Mikey will get better soon.
He rounds a corner in full speed and crashes into something solid. He staggers and would have fallen, but a hand grabs his wrist lightening fast. He gasps, tries to say something - a thank you, maybe - and then everything goes black.
~+~
“Oh NO!” The voice sounds angry and he struggles to sit up, to open his eyes, but everything feels so heavy, so far away and his body just doesn't want to cooperate with him.
“I couldn't resist! Look at him! Like a black-wrapped candy! Soft and delicious...” another voice says.
“He is a child. Ryan!” the first voice says.
“Don't sound so disapproving, he is not dead, for god's sake!” Ryan answers, he sounds a bit annoyed.
“Will he make it?” the other voice asks, it sounds hopeful. Gerard begins to understand that they are talking about him, but he can't remember what happened. He needs to get up and get a doctor so Mikey will be alright again.
“Ahem...” Ryan says.
“Ryan!” A third voice says, it sounds pissed off and stern.
“He killed a child, Spencer!” The second voice says. He sounds like he is going to cry. Gerard tries to get up again. It just doesn't work, he feels so weak.
“Ryan!”
“He is not dead, Brendon, and besides, look at him. Cute as a button...” Ryan says again. He leans over Gerard and strokes his face, his fingers feel...not exactly cold, but chilly.
“He is not going to survive...” Brendon says.
“Dispose of him before he dies, I don't want to deal with it,” Spencer says.
“He could, we can't! He is a child... We could, maybe we could keep him?” Brendon sounds hopeful.
“We can't keep a dead body,” Spencer says annoyed.
“NO!” Brendon answers.
“No,” Ryan says as things fall in place. Gerard is still confused and weak.
“We are not letting him die.”
This time Brendon sounds stern. And then he looks down at Gerard and he looks so pretty and smiles at Gerard and Gerard can't help it. He smiles back “I'm going to make you better...you'll see.”
“Okay...” Gerard manages to whisper.
“Here you need to drink this. It's medicine,” Brendon says. And Gerard trusts him, or maybe he is too weak to fight and it really tastes good...
~+~
It's dark outside when he wakes up and he has no idea how much time has passed. Someone sits beside his bed, just, it's not his bed.
“Where am I?” he asks. Everything smells sharp and delicious and he is really hungry.
“At our house, you can stay here,” Brendon says, softly. He is stroking a cold hand over Gerard's cheek.
“I need to fetch a doctor for Mikey... I can't stay here.”
“Are you feeling better then?” Brendon asks.
“Yes, hungry though.”
“Of course,” Brendon says and gets up. He comes back a few minutes later with a glass full of something red.
“I'm not supposed to drink wine,” Gerard says a bit confused and his head hurts from all the noise. Where is all the noise coming from anyway?
“Just drink it, you will feel better after,” Brendon says with a smile and Gerard just takes the glass and doesn't argue. It tastes delicious, like nothing he has ever tasted and it makes the hunger go away as well.
“Thank you,” he says giving the glass back.
“You should sleep now,” Brendon answers and Gerard nods.
~+~
He slips away as soon as Brendon leaves the house with the other two people that are living there. The streets smell sharp and delicious and he is hungry again, but he needs to go back home. Needs to make sure his mom is okay and that a doctor was there to make Mikey better. He finds the house dark and cold.
It smells all wrong and he can't even put a finger on it. There is ash in the fireplace, but it seems old. He shivers, not from the cold of the small house, but from something else he can't describe properly.
“Here you are,” Brendon says quietly behind him.
“Where is Mikey? And my mom?” He doesn't ask about the baby because it was still inside his mom and he really, really wants a baby sister.
“Mikey is gone and your mom...and your dad they moved away,” Brendon says.
“But?” He can't understand this, he is here and where is Mikey? “Where is Mikey?” he asks.
“He is dead, Gerard, he died...” Brendon answers softly. Gerard shakes his head, denying what Brendon is saying. It can’t be true. It just can’t.
“Why are they gone?” he asks. He is going to cry any second now. He knows it.
“Hey, no... Come here,” Brendon says, Gerard shakes his head violently. He doesn't want comfort. He doesn't deserve comfort. It was his fault Mikey died, he...no. It was Ryan. Ryan kept him away.
“No,” he says, but Brendon is stronger and bigger and he just wraps his arms around Gerard's small body and Gerard can't help it: he cries light pink tears that stain Brendon's white shirt.
“You need to come home with me now. Spencer and Ryan are worried sick already I imagine.”
Gerard takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to go home to Ryan. Ryan did this. This is Ryan's fault. Besides this is his home. This cold, small, empty house.
“I don't. I want to be with my mom.”
“She is gone. Moved away...” Brendon says and Gerard doesn't know what to answer.
Later he will, later when he finds out that Ryan gave them money and told them their kid was dead and that they need to think of the future, of the unborn little girl inside his mom. And he will hate Ryan. Hate him with all he has, and it will take him years, decades to forgive Ryan and Spencer and Brendon for not being able to stop Ryan. For giving in. For loving him and letting this happen.
Brendon picks him up and lets him cry and takes him back home.
~+~
“I don't even care,” Ryan says pissed off. “You wanted him, you can teach him stuff. I will not baby sit that brat,” he finishes.
“You should be glad! You would have killed him!”
“I don't care about that. And you well fucking know it. They are just food to me,” Ryan answers.
“And still, you turned me,” Brendon says. His voice quiet but firm. Gerard is tired of their arguing, it's not like with his parents, but it's still unsettling.
“Bren...” Ryan says softly, grabbing Brendon's neck gently and making their foreheads touch before he kisses Brendon on the lips. Gerard gasps. He has never seen two men kiss and he doesn't think it's right. Ryan turns to glare at Gerard and Gerard tries to disappear into the big chair he has curled up in.
“Ryan,” Brendon says, softly. His right hand is curled around Ryan's scarf, tugging gently.
“You better get over it and fast kid,” Ryan says with a mean look, before he turns to kiss Brendon again.
And that's the day Gerard learns that there are more forms of love than the one his parents share. It's also the day Ryan makes him kill his first victim. And the day he begins to hate Ryan.
He thinks he would leave if he knew where to go, if he thought he already knew everything that would make him survive on his own. He feels still weak three hours before sunrise.
“It's because you are a child,” Brendon tells him one night. He has lived with them for three months now. He hunts with Brendon or Spencer, but his favourite is Brendon. He is sitting on Brendon's lap, listening to a fairytale. He likes Brendon the best. Brendon always reads him stories before sunrise and doesn't make him kill.
He learned that Spencer doesn't particularly care either way, he just doesn't want witnesses. So it's okay to hunt with Spencer, besides Spencer buys him nice clothes and a lot of shoes. It's hard to hate someone like Spencer anyway, because when he smiles, the room seems to get brighter.
~+~
His sixth year in he asks about why he doesn't grow up and Brendon looks lost and sad and Spencer's face closes off and Ryan says: “You will always be like this!” in a voice that bears no argument.
“It's because you made me this...this thing,” Gerard answers sharply.
“A vampire, use the fucking word, it will not bite you. I will. Your head off if you snap at me again like that!” Ryan snaps. And Gerard knows better, but he is angry and he hates Ryan so much at times that it scares him.
“So finish the job!” he yells. Brendon takes a sharp breath, standing up.
“Ryan,” he says, because Ryan looks murderous.
“Don't you think for one second I won't!” he says sharply. His voice cold as ice.
“Oh, I don't doubt it, cos you are a heartless bastard on your best days!” Gerard yells back. He doesn't even see it coming - suddenly he is hitting the opposite wall hard. His head hurts, like everything else as he slides down and lands in a heap on the carpet. He was hit so hard there is blood on the pale beige wallpaper.
“Ryan!” Spencer says sharply and Ryan glares at him and then he just sits down.
“Take him away, out of my fucking sight,” Ryan says and his voice is full of things Gerard can't understand.
“Gerard, honey...come here,” Brendon says. He picks Gerard up carefully and brings him upstairs into his room where he lays Gerard on the bed, sitting down beside him. They can hear arguing, raised voices and Ryan hissing at Spencer from the living room.
“I hate him,” Gerard says quietly, with cold fury. And he knows it's true.
“Gerard...” Brendon sighs, he is stroking Gerard's head with his cold fingers and Gerard leans into the touch. Brendon did never anything to hurt him.
“I don't hate you,” Gerard whispers, because that's the truth as well.
“Maybe you should,” Brendon answers, his fingers stilling, tangled in Gerard's hair.
“I could never hate you,” Gerard says.
“But I wanted this,” Brendon answers. Gerard smiles, he knows that. He remembers.
“But it was him who killed me, who took me away, because I was a black-wrapped candy...”
Brendon gasps. “You remember,” he whispers.
“Yeah, everything. I don't hate you, you made me better. Stronger...” Gerard answers.
“Hush,” Brendon says, kissing Gerard's head. He rips his wrist open and lets Gerard drink. It helps instantly.
“Thank you,” Gerard says tired.
“I love you,” Brendon whispers.
“I love you too,” Gerard says and knows that's the only reason he is still alive.
~+~
He's sixteen. Sixteen in an eight year old body. He counts the days, the years, earlier he even counted the hours. Nothing is changing. He is still a delicious looking petit four, as Brendon calls him sometimes, as Ryan mocks him sometimes. He wants to rip Ryan's throat out when he does, and he knows Ryan knows he does and that he can't, because he is just not strong enough. Will maybe never be.
~+~
The first time it does something to him - seeing Ryan biting Spencer's throat - is when he's fourteen. He dismisses it as blood lust. It doesn't stop and one evening when he walks in on Ryan and Brendon he growls low in his throat. He can't help it. He sees Ryan smirk the split second before Spencer shuts the door firmly.
Something inside him clenches and wants out. Something low in his stomach. Something he can't name, isn't sure how to describe, how to get.
~+~
“He loves you!” Ryan says. Gerard is standing just outside the kitchen and he doesn't dare move, because movement would give him away. It's freaky how Ryan always knows he is nearby. And the only reason he can imagine why Ryan doesn't seem to sense him now is maybe because he is too deep into whatever they are discussing now without Gerard.
“Of course,” Brendon answers calmly.
“No, Brendon, he is in love with you,” Spencer says.
“He is a child,” Brendon replies, denying any implications.
“He is sixteen. Sixteen, Brendon. I see how he looks at you, how he looks at Spencer!” Ryan answers. Gerard can hear him pacing the kitchen. He doesn't even know why they have one. As none of them eats real food. Maybe because it would be suspicious to not have one? “How he looks at me and let me tell you, it's not fucking pretty. This will end badly and soon,” Ryan finishes.
“What are you talking about?” Brendon asks faintly.
“He needs to go,” Ryan answers, his voice hard.
“No fucking way am I sending Gerard away!” Brendon shouts. Gerard hears Spencer take a sharp breath.
“Brendon,” he says.
“No way, Spencer. I don't care, he never liked Ryan. From the beginning he hated you. You made him hate you...” Brendon says to Ryan, his voice a whisper on the last few words.
And Gerard really doesn't want to hear anymore.
~+~
He's lying in bed a few hours away from sunset, restless, shifting, thinking about Brendon. Brendon's lips, his hands, his teeth. His hands clenching in the sheets. Something inside him screaming for release. He just doesn't know how.
He doesn't hear Brendon entering.
“Hey...you not hungry?” he asks softly.
Gerard's eyes snap open. “No, I'm not.”
Brendon sits down on the bed and looks out of the window. It's still dark outside. He reaches out to stroke Gerard's hair and Gerard, he doesn't even mean to, jerks away.
“Gerard, honey...” Brendon says. He looks lost, Gerard thinks. He turns his head into the pillow so he doesn't need to look at Brendon's sad face.
“I just can't. Not tonight, okay?” Gerard mumbles into his pillow.
“Can I... Is it okay if I kiss you goodnight?” Brendon asks. Gerard nods, not looking at Brendon. Brendon's lips feel cold and dry and he smells faintly like Spencer and blood. “Goodnight, Gerard,” Brendon says.
“Night, Brendon.”
~+~
He doesn't know why Ryan lets him watch. Because he knows that Ryan knows he is there, standing at the door which isn't closed firmly shut, like it usually is. He hears Brendon moan and takes a sharp breath. His lip is bleeding, because he bit it so hard preventing himself from making any sounds.
Gerard knows that Brendon is usually too far gone to notice his presence. What with Ryan biting, licking, kissing his skin. Full of blood, he smells delicious. Sharp and, he can't really place the other smell. It makes him heady like blood does sometimes.
Gerard had a vague idea of what they are doing when they are alone. Usually not even in the house, as Spencer doesn't like doing it with Gerard there, Gerard knows, but he never has seen it. Has never seen Brendon gasp and beg, has never seen Spencer flushed like this, has never seen how Ryan goes down on Brendon, he heard things about this kind of sex, but he had no idea. He takes another breath and tries to make his heart stop beating so loud in his chest. (It still beats, slower, but it beats, he still breathes when there is blood in his veins.) He turns and leans against the wall in the hall. He doesn't think he can just go, doesn't think he wants to, but he knows he can't watch either, just listening to it makes him ache. Makes him want to touch, Brendon and Spencer and grab Ryan's hair and pull, bite, lick and he doesn't know what, how, he just doesn't know, because his body wants something he can't get.
~+~
It takes him another year before he leaves. It’s the day he learns what Ryan did. That Spencer and Brendon, his Brendon, knew about it and just let it happen. Sent his family away, made them believe he was dead. He doesn't even know where they are now.
“You made them leave me!” he yells and Ryan looks murderous. Like this one day years ago when he hit Gerard for the first time (and the last, Spencer made sure of that) and Spencer steps in front of Gerard. Gerard's hands are clenched into tiny fists. He feels so angry and he thought, he told Brendon he couldn't ever hate him, but in this moment he's really close to hating Brendon.
“You were dead! You are dead!” Ryan answers sharply.
“You took me away from them. For stupid selfish reasons! You took me away and it's your fault Mikey died!” Gerard screams. It's the truth, if Ryan hadn't taken him, then Gerard would have been able to fetch the doctor and maybe Mikey would be still alive and he wouldn't be a monster. Feeding off people. Children.
“Gerard...” Brendon tries.
“And you knew! You knew what he did! All these years you knew and...I trusted you! I loved you!” he yells and what makes him even angrier is that he still loves Brendon and that Brendon will never love him back! Not like he loves Ryan, not like he loves Spencer, not like Gerard wants him to love him! Brendon flinches as if burned and Ryan takes a step towards Gerard.
“Don't you fucking dare!” he hisses. His voice cold as ice. And why? Why couldn't Ryan love him as well?!
“You made me like this! That's what you did!” Gerard answers.
“Gerard,” Spencer says in warning, not looking away from Ryan.
“What? It's true, he made me a monster and he never wanted me here and he never loved me like he loves you and you!” here he turns around to look at Brendon, “You never loved me like you love him!” he finishes. Brendon's eyes are wide and sad and he looks like he is going to burst into tears any second now.
“You little bastard!” Ryan yells, making a sudden move, but Brendon is at Gerard's side in an instant, taking the punch Spencer wasn't fast enough to stop. Ryan looks shocked, as does Spencer. There is blood on Brendon's face from his split lip.
“I hate you!” Gerard spits at Ryan, clinging to Brendon's leg, because he is too small to reach his hips or shoulders. He hears Ryan take a deep breath.
“I want him gone tomorrow or I swear I'm going to kill him,” he says.
“No way!” Brendon whispers harshly. He picks Gerard up and his blood smears, Gerard kisses it away.
“I'm sorry,” he whispers. “I'm sorry,” licking Brendon clean.
“It's not your fault, honey. I didn't think. I didn't think it would be like this. I didn't think you would grow up so fast,” Brendon says softly, kissing his cheek. Gerard wants to kiss his lips, wants all these things Brendon does with Ryan and Spencer.
“I wish I didn't,” Gerard says and Brendon does break into tears. They fall pale pink on his light blue shirt; staining it.
“I'm sorry,” Brendon says and Gerard kisses his lips. Just a soft press of his lips to Brendon's, that tastes like blood and salty tears.
“I want him gone,” Ryan repeats, but the fight is drained from him as he falls heavily onto the couch.
“Ryan,” Spencer says sharply.
“I mean it,” Ryan answers, closing his eyes. “He needs to go, not only for my sake, but for his and Brendon's as well,” he adds.
“No,” Brendon says, clinging to Gerard.
“I've seen how you look at him. You want to love him like he wants you to. I know you. It will break you,” Ryan says. Brendon bites his lower lip until it bleeds again.
“I'm sorry,” Gerard says, kissing the blood away. Spencer looks away from them and Gerard knows it's because he wants that too, that he wants Gerard too. “Let me down,” he whispers and Brendon does. “I will go,” he tells Ryan. Ryan just nods.
“Maybe William will take him...for a while,” Spencer says, biting his lip as well, his right hand finding Gerard's shoulder and squeezing it.
“Yeah, I'll write to him immediately,” Ryan answers, getting up and leaving them alone.
“You need to drink,” Spencer says.
“I'm not hungry,” Gerard answers and it's the truth. He is not. He feels drained and weak.
“You need to drink, you need to be strong,” Spencer says, opening his veins for Gerard like he did before. Spencer lets him feed off him once a month, so he grows strong, so he can be on his own, Gerard realizes. Because Spencer knew it would come to this. And he tried to do his best to make Gerard strong, to prepare him for a time when Spencer wouldn't be able to protect him anymore.
~2~
William is tall and beautiful and has a nice smile and Gerard thinks he hates him as well. Maybe it's because he doesn't want to allow himself to like anyone anymore. It would be too painful.
“So, which one made you?” William asks as they're getting into William's car.
“Brendon,” Gerard says. He is not going to talk much. It's one of his rules. He will not make William love him, he will not love William back.
“Should have known that...” William answers with a sigh. He starts the car and keeps silent except for singing something under his breath. He has a nice voice, Gerard thinks.
~+~
William lives in a hotel. Which is surprising to Gerard.
“Well, I don't like staying in one place too long,” William says upon entering.
“Oh...”
“Yeah, we will go to Sweden for a while, I need a change of air. And you need it too,” William answers. Sweden, Gerard thinks, is really far away from here. “Besides Travis hates it here anyway,” William adds.
“Damn right!” a voice says from the bedroom. Gerard doesn't jump but it's a close thing. “All this crap about skin colour, damn I hate this country a fucking lot,” Travis says, as he enters the living room. He is black and Gerard never saw a black man clothed like this and being well...
“He's not a servant,” Gerard says and Travis laughs out loud.
“He is cute as a button,” Travis says.
“Don't say that!” Gerard yells, suddenly angry. Travis looks at him.
“You need to get out of this fucking country as well.” He nods his head for emphasis. He takes out a cigarette, lights it and passes it over to William.
“Thanks,” William says.
“So, which one made him?”
“Brendon,” William answers, taking a deep drag.
“Should have known. Fuck,” Travis says with emphasis, he rubs his face with his free hand and takes another drag of his cigarette. Gerard sits down on one of the two couches.
“It's not normal to do that, right? To turn someone so small?” he asks.
“No, it's not. Even if you are strong for such a young one. Your body...”
“I can never grow up, I know...” Gerard says. Travis and William share a look, but Gerard is suddenly too tired to ask about it.
“Come on, you need to feed,” William says, opening the window and throwing the butt outside.
“Okay,” he answers, Travis picks him up and he snuggles into his chest. He needs to be close to someone and Travis seems like a good guy and he is so different from them. Like William is.
~+~
He learns that William is a snob when it comes to his food. He likes to hunt in company and he likes to play with his food, but he is not cruel about it. He seduces his victims and more often than not doesn't even kill them. Travis doesn't seem to care at all. But not one of them kills children. In fact Travis tries to stick to bad people. Murderers, child molesters, smugglers. It doesn't work always, but most of the time he is right.
Travis lets him feed off his victims and William from his veins and he feels like a spoiled child.
~+~
William meets Maja three months into their stay in Sweden. Gerard thinks she looks like an icequeen and she finds it funny. Her voice sounds like tiny bells when she laughs.
“He is really cute,” she says to William and William nods.
“He is also smart and an artist!” Travis throws in. He is lounging on the couch, smoking a cigarette and staring into his coffee, he doesn't drink it, but he likes how it smells and the warmth. Winter in Sweden is really fucking cold, even for vampires. Gerard thinks he feels it more than they do because he is still so fucking young, not even twenty years old yet.
“So, you paint little one?” she asks, her fingers stroking soft over his skin, he nods. “What do you paint?”
“A bit of everything, I guess,” he answers shrugging.
“I bet.” She sits down on the couch. William is standing at the window looking into the dark winter night. There are snowflakes spinning around in the wind.
She stays with them for four months and Gerard paints her several times in pale blue and shades of silver.
He cries when they part and she tells him he could stay and part of him wants to. But he doesn't think he can leave William and Travis who are like his parents now. He doesn't want to be an orphan. She kisses him goodbye and he thinks he will remember her scent - like snow and fresh blood and wood - for the rest of his life.
~+~
They meet Greta by chance. She is running away from someone and Travis just breaks that someone's neck. Snaps it in two.
“Oops”? he says, letting the body fall to the ground. She doesn't scream. She nods her thanks and leans against a wall. It's late autumn in Germany and Gerard wanted to go out and see The Berlin Wall.
“Thanks,” she says. Travis smiles at her; his fangs carefully hidden. Her English is really good and she doesn't seem freaked out. “So, where are you from?” she asks, as she is able to breathe again.
“America, the great land of...everything I guess.”
“This your way of protesting Vietnam?” she asks. It's not, Gerard knows, this is Travis’ way of protesting everything that is wrong with the country he was born in, but he nods, because it's not a lie either.
“I'm Travis,” he says.
“Greta,” she answers with a smile. “And you?” she asks Gerard.
“Gerard,” he answers. He wants to paint her. She is just so beautiful. Not like Maja, who looks like an icequeen forever young and cold, but like a sunny afternoon.
“Wanna come back to our hotel?” Travis asks and Gerard gives him a look. He likes her, he doesn't want her eaten! She laughs.
“Sure,” she answers.
~+~
She puts flowers into her hair and doesn't mind that they never seem to eat and that they're living in an expensive hotel, she stays. And Gerard paints her.
“You are really a talented little guy, aren't you?” she asks one evening, she smells like hay and wild flowers.
“Guess so,” he answers shrugging.
“So...William and Travis, are they...together?” she asks with a small move of her hand.
“Don't think so, they aren't sleeping together,” Gerard answers, because he really doesn't think it's like with Brendon and Ryan and Spencer with them. They are just friends.
“They seem close. You seem close.”
“We are,” William says from behind her and she jumps a bit.
“You need to stop doing that, I'll die of a heart attack one of these days if you keep it up.” She laughs as she says it, so Gerard doesn't worry.
“I'll try,” he says, lighting a cigarette.
“Hey...can I ask you something?” she says.
“Sure.”
“You are not human, are you?” she asks. Gerard shots William a look, but William just smiles. He looks beautiful when he does and young. Really young.
“No, we're not,” he answers. She nods.
“Thought so,” she says and that's all.
They leave Germany in the middle of the 80's. Heading for Great Britain. Gerard leaves her a family portrait. Him, William, Travis and Greta. Because she became part of their family even if she never got turned. It's not that William didn't ask her, she just refused with a soft laugh, kissing his cheek. Neither of them drank from her. Because a vampire or not, she was theirs.
William promises to write, and Gerard knows him, knows he will until his letters will be sent back to him.
~+~
On the second night William runs into Gabe and Vicky. He brings them back to the hotel and Travis laughs out loud as he sees them and William's flushed cheeks. They are both really young and maybe runaway kids. Not older than fourteen. Gerard doesn't understand at first. Some things are still unclear to him as he is forced to behave like a child. Sometimes it's easier to be a child. Sometimes he feels himself slip.
“Oh my god! He is so adorable!” Vicky says and picks him up before he can even blink. “Is he yours?” she asks William.
“He is ours,” Travis throws in.
“Really? He doesn't look like you at all...” she answers. Travis laughs.
“But like him?” he asks.
“Well, he is pale like Bill,” she answers, shrugging. Gerard loves how she smells and her hair and how her blue dress clings to her soft curves.
He loves Gabe's loud laugh and stupid colourful clothes and tight jeans and big glasses. He paints them in bright colours and even sometimes uses glitter.
Time is slipping through his fingers and Britain is great and loud and wonderful. Gabe thinks so as well. Vicky works part time at a club and lets William feed off her sometimes. Gerard can smell her on William. Her blood and her sweat and other things he has words for now, but doesn't like to think about. With Vicky and Gabe things are shifting, changing. They form a new kind of family. Not like with Greta, like with those intense months with Maja where everything seemed a good idea. This is different and dangerous, because Gabe is reckless and Vicky wicked. It doesn't matter in the long run, he loves them and he knows William and Travis do as well. It's just a matter of time before they ask and Gerard knows they will say yes.
He begins to miss his home, America, in the early 90's. He feels restless and like they should move.
“I want to go home,” he says one Wednesday evening. William is lying curled up around Gabe, Vicky stroking his hair. Travis doesn't look up from the book he is reading, but Gerard knows he is paying attention.
“Great Britain too small for you?” William asks.
“No, I just want to go home...I want to,” he sighs and looks up from the drawing he was working on, one of Vicky.
“We don't know where they are,” Travis says carefully. Gerard swallows. He was thinking about Brendon in the last few months more, but that is not the only reason he wants to go home.
“It's not that, I want to find my family,” Gerard answers. William sits up and Gabe makes a displeased noise low in his throat. Vicky smiles and begins to pet his hair.
“Your human family? You have a human family?” William asks.
“Yes, Ryan made them go away, but I know I have a sister, at least I have a sister,” Gerard answers, and Ryan's name still tastes bitter on his tongue. William opens his arms and he gets up and crawls into his lap and lets William pet his hair and kiss his face and listens to William's slow heartbeat, because he hasn’t fed for a few days.
They leave for Chicago a month later and they're taking Gabe and Vicky with them.
~3~
Chicago is everything he remembers and completely different. He was away nearly 50 years; of course it was bound to change.
Travis makes William rent an apartment in the city. Gerard knows he had help from Vicky and Gabe, who might be a bit sick of hotels. Or maybe Travis just wants a place of his own for a while. Gerard isn't sure, but he is glad. He likes the new place and he likes that they are using the kitchen as well, it makes life more normal. Except for Greta, they never lived with humans before. Well, Gerard didn't.
~+~
Vicky is making some kind of red soup and Gabe...well, Gabe is smoking up in the entrance to the kitchen. He smokes more these days, Gerard can sense a kind of restlessness from him, he can't put a finger on, but it seems familiar. Gerard pushes him aside and he looks down.
“You are a really strong little vampire, aren't you, honey?” Gabe asks. Gerard used to flinch whenever someone called him 'honey' before, but he got used to it in the few years Gabe and Vicky are staying with them.
“All vampires are strong,” he answers shrugging. “What are you making?” he asks Vicky. She turns, picks him up and sets him on the counter.
“Tomato paprika soup with chilli.”
“Sounds spicy,” Gabe says, he exhales smoke, leaning on the wall, looking at them.
“It sure as hell is,” she answers. Gerard likes when she cooks dinner. It always smells nice. “Will you set the table for me, honey?” she asks, adding a bit more pepper to the soup. A strand of her long hair is falling into her eyes as she does and he brushes it away. She smiles.
“Of course,” he says, hopping down and taking out bowls and spoons. They usually sit together at the table and he looks at the clock, counting the seconds. William bursts through the door just as he sets the last spoon onto the table.
“You're late,” Gabe drawls. He got tall over the last few years. He and Vicky are not kids anymore. They are not the strays William took in one night.
“Where's Travis?”
“In his room, he came back earlier than you,” Vicky answers, setting the pot on the table.
“Damn, but I'm on time,” William answers, sitting down.
“You have blood on your chin,” Vicky says. Gabe reaches over and wipes it away: it smudges. William takes a sharp breath. Gerard shakes his head.
“Let me,” he says, leaning forward and licking it away, there is another sharp intake of breath. He thinks it might be Vicky.
“Thanks,” William answers. Gerard shrugs.
“She tastes delicious,” Gerard says, sitting down on his chair.
“She was,” William answers.
“Eat your soup children,” Travis says as he enters the kitchen. Vicky puts a mug of coffee in front of him and he nods his thanks. He doesn't drink it, but he inhales the smell and warms his fingers on the mug. They chatter while they eat. It's like having a family again. Gerard likes it.
~+~
“So, there is this family by the name Way,” Gabe says, Gerard sits up in his bed.
“You found them?”
“Not sure, the records say something about a Helena Way, she lives with her daughter.” Gabe shrugs giving Gerard the piece of paper with the address. Gabe is a bit like William: He likes to write things down.
“Thanks,” Gerard says. Gabe nods.
“No problem. Family is important,” he says.
Yeah, Gerard thinks that as well. He misses Mikey in an abstract way, he knew him too short a time to really miss him, but he misses the idea of having someone like Mikey. Someone who is like him. Despite all this he would never ask William or Travis for a brother or a sister. It wouldn't be fair. When he's doomed, he should be doomed alone.
Gabe sits down on the bed. It's unexpected. Gerard raises one eyebrow, he knows he learned it from Spencer, but he doesn't seem to let go of his past. He had...Not everything was bad. He misses Brendon sometimes. He misses how Brendon used to read fairy-tales to him. William never did, and Travis only reads poems, which are nice too, but not the same.
“Listen,” Gabe begins, he grabs Gerard's shoulder and makes him lean against Gabe, slings an arm around him and strokes his hair while he speaks. “She is your sister, but she is old and she has a daughter and her daughter is pregnant...you will not do anything stupid?” Gabe asks. Gerard swallows. He didn't think he was so obvious.
“I...” he tries, but he won’t say 'I won’t' because he can’t make any promises.
“I know we are not blood related, I mean, not even you and Travis and William are, but we are your family. We...you took us in, Vicky and me and we love you,” Gabe finishes and it's rare that Gabe speaks like this, that he actually words his feelings so openly, honesty without any mockery.
Gerard buries his head in Gabe's stupid pink shirt.
“I know, I love you too,” Gerard answers and it's the truth. He didn't want to, but it's hard not to love William, or Travis or Gabe and Vicky.
Gabe nods, Gerard can feel it, even if he can't see it. They stay like this: Gabe stroking his hair and Gerard listening to Gabe's heartbeat. Calming him down.
~+~
He meets Helena one evening in the park. It's not by chance, he knew she would be there, as she always goes for a walk on Wednesday evenings. He sits down on the bench beside her and just watches her from the corner of his eye.
He meets her the week after as well, and the week after that and then she doesn't come for two weeks and he is crushed even if he never talks to her. She is back the third week.
“You look like someone I would have liked to know,” she says that time, not looking at him. She is staring up at the sky.
“You weren't here last week,” he answers softly.
“My daughter has a child now. His name is Mikey,” she answers and turns to smile down at him.
“Mikey...” Gerard whispers. She smiles.
“After one of my brothers...he died when he was really young and I wasn't even born. I miss them both, stupid, hmm?” She says.
“No,” Gerard answers. It's really not, he misses Mikey as well and he misses Helena and not growing up with her.
~+~
“You are stalking your sister,” William says one morning, there is blood on his shirt. He's lying on the couch, smoking a cigarette, exhaling smoke slowly. He looks really fucking pretty and Gerard's fingers ache for a pen. He shrugs. William sighs. “This is dangerous, she could recognise you,” he says.
“She wasn't even born at the time I became this,” Gerard says. William raises an eyebrow, because Gerard rarely uses this term when it comes to himself these days. He uses the word 'vampire' like everyone in the family does.
“Your parents loved you, they told her about you and Mikey, they sure as hell kept all the photographs as well,” William answers.
“You're telling me to stop seeing her?” Gerard asks.
“Yes, that's what I'm doing. I like it here, Chicago is great at this time of year or century, whatever. I like the house; I would like to stay a bit longer.”
Gerard nods, he knows William, under all these pretty words there is a warning he can't ignore. William will make them leave if it should be necessary, but he will not be pleased about it. And Gerard actually doesn't want to be on William’s bad side. Travis told him all about Tom and ...well, besides Gerard loves William and he knows William loves him back.
“You didn't eat,” William says softly, reaching out for Gerard and Gerard takes it, curling up to William. Listening to the too slow beat of his heart. “Wanna eat something?” William asks. Gerard shakes his head. He doesn't feel hungry. “Okay, but you're going to hunt with Travis tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Gerard says into William's light green shirt. It smells like spring rain and blood.
~+~
He doesn't talk to her anymore, doesn't meet her anymore, but he can't seem to leave her alone. So he sometimes goes by her house. Looks through the windows. Watches. Watches her with Donna and little Mikey on her knees. He hears her sometimes too, when the window is open, she tells the baby stories. About when she was a little girl and about her brothers who are angels now. And Gerard swears to himself to never let her know that he is as far from an angel as you can get. She reads poems to Mikey as well and shows him pictures. Things Gerard had long forgotten. It makes him sad and he doesn't like to feel like he doesn't belong. And this makes him feel like he doesn't belong.
Gabe looks up from his place in Travis' lap when Gerard enters the living room and William silently makes room for him on the couch.
“Where's Vicky?” he asks, sitting down, letting William pull him into his lap and wrap his impossibly long arms around him.
“Working late,” Gabe says.
“You gonna pick her up later?”
“Travis will,” Gabe answers, Gerard nods.
“So, what is wrong with you, honey?” William asks into his neck.
“Helena knows...” Gerard says. Gabe looks up again, Travis places his hand over Gabe's chest and he lays down. Closing his eyes; letting Travis pet his hair.
“She's old,” Travis says and it's not meant for Gerard, it's aimed at William. William nods, Gerard can fell the soft brush of his hair against his neck. It makes him shiver. Makes him want.
“It's okay,” William says, his lips brushing Gerard's skin softly. Gerard isn't sure he means the whole Helena-thing or something else, but he nods nevertheless.
~+~
Gabe starts a band sometime in the nineties. William blames it on Kurt Cobain, Travis laughs and gives Gabe his first guitar. Just brings it home one Monday evening. Gabe kinda kisses him full on the lips. William makes a face, but Gerard knows he isn't annoyed, just playing the bitch.
“I've got something for you too, pretty princess,” Travis says, as Gabe lets go of him to sit down on the soft carpet William insisted they buy (it doesn't match anything except William's teacups in the flat) to play a song. William raises one eyebrow.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Travis says, taking out a small box and handing it over. William takes it, opens it and laughs out loud. Travis grins. Gerard looks over Gabe's shoulder into the box.
“Cuff links?” he asks.
“Yeah,” William says, he is smiling. It's his true smile, that one that he only smiles when he is really happy or touched.
“It's something from your past, right?” Gerard asks.
“Yes, it is,” William says and to Travis: “Thank you.”
Travis shrugs. “They clearly had your name on them.”
“I see, Vicky and I are totally the stepchildren...” Gerard says a bit sulky.
“No, just you, I got Vicky a bracelet!” Travis says, taking another box out of his jacket. Gerard sits down on the couch and snuggles into William's bony side.
“Don't be mean,” William says, but his eyes are still dancing.
“Okay, kid. Here,” Travis says, taking out an envelope. Gerard gives Travis a look, but takes it anyway.
He can't breath for a few seconds, William kisses his temple and Gerard takes a deep breath. It's an old faded photograph of him and Mikey.
“Thank you,” he whispers. Travis bends down and kisses the top of Gerard's head.
“You're very welcome,” he says.
~+~
When Mikey is three he sees Gerard outside his window and waves and Gerard waves back, but doesn't try to talk to him.
Gerard leaves when Mikey is six. He leaves without saying goodbye in person, just leaves a letter. He was thinking about it, thinking about leaving, because he recognised the kind of feelings he had for Brendon once. He didn't mean to fall in love, it just happened.
The only thing he knows as he leaves is that he will never be friends with adults again. It just intensifies the pain, and that he will write William letters, so they know he's okay.
continue