Won’t you break for me? 1
Title: Won’t you break for me? (1/3)
Author: alles_luege
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon, Ryan/William, Panic GSF
Rating: R
Summary: Brendon is on a mission to make Ryan happy and if Ryan needs another vampire to make him happy, well, that’s Brendon’s eternal quest then.
Warning(s): Vampires, sex, blood play (a bit), angst, also not a 16 candles Au.
Author’s Notes: Set after ‘Midnight land’. And this is the last part. I swear. I’m done.
Word Count: 4.126
Beta: tygermine
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real.
~1~
It was never about the pain. Not for Ryan. In the beginning it wasn’t even about control or fear or any other thing that he hates and desires in equal measure. It was about blood and acceptance and friendship. Until the thing with Brendon’s finger, and Spencer, and well.
He doesn’t think often about it anymore. He just can’t. It does him no good and besides, Spencer seems to sense it when he’s wallowing in the past again and self-pity. Don’t forget the self-pity and guilt.
“I’m going to buy some chocolate for Brendon, you want something?” He asks, looking at Ryan. He waves his hand.
“Why isn’t he going himself?” he wants to know, his eyes fixed on the book he isn’t really reading, because he was wallowing in the past again.
“You know him…”
“That’s not really an answer and besides since when are you going?”
“I’m being nice.” Spencer says, Ryan does look up then and Spencer says, “Shut up!”
“I didn’t say anything.” Ryan answers smiling. Jon is the nice one. They all know it. Jon is the nice one. It’s something like a law.
“I am nice.”
“You’re the best.” Ryan says. Spencer huffs. “Hey, Spence?”
“Yeah?”
“I want something too.”
“What?”
“Surprise me.”
“You will get a bloody steak…” Jon says from the kitchen door.
“But Spencer is being nice,” Ryan answers laughing.
“You’re so going to get a bloody steak.” Spencer says darkly before he leaves. Ryan curls on the couch and laughs until his stomach hurts and breathing becomes an issue.
“You are a mean, mean boy. Ryan Ross.” Jon says.
“I need to keep up appearances.” Jon raises an eyebrow. “I’m a vicious creature of the night.” Ryan clarifies.
“You wish.” Jon answers deadpan. Ryan smiles. It’s always nice to hang out with Jon, because Jon actually says what he means and means what he says. And Ryan knows that Jon always thinks in terms of ‘who’ not of ‘what’. “What are you reading?” he asks.
“A book, you heard about them, I’m sure.”
Jon rolls his eyes, “Make some room, I wanna watch a movie.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Which one?”
“Nosferatu.”
“Funny.”
“Isn’t it?” Jon laughs, leaning against Ryan.
~+~
The first time wasn’t about violence at all. It was about…he doesn’t know. Want. His want, maybe Ryan’s too. He isn’t sure. He knows Ryan wanted, but Ryan didn’t make him want. This want, was his own. His desire. His. No one’s else.
Brendon doesn’t think Ryan ever understood that. Not then, not now. Because it’s still Brendon’s desire. Mostly. Even when Ryan loses it on occasion.
“What are you doing?” Brendon asks. Ryan looks up from the magazine he was reading.
“You’re totally able to see it, Brendon.”
“I’m bored.”
“You’re always bored.”
“It’s especially bad today.”
“Right.”
“It’s especially bad right now.” Brendon says, his eyes wide and innocent.
“I hate you.”
“You love me.” Brendon answers with a grin, Ryan rolls his eyes.
“What do you want to do?”
“We totally could have sex.”
“No.” Ryan says.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to.” Ryan answers.
“Well, what do you want to do?” Brendon asks.
“Read this magazine.”
“Okay,” Brendon says.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, I will just put my head in your lap and you will read the articles out loud.” Brendon answers, already getting comfortable on the couch.
“Right.”
“It’s that or sex. You totally can choose.” Brendon says with a smile.
“What are you interested in? Gossip?”
“Sounds good to me.”
Ryan rests the magazine on Brendon’s chest and sneaks one hand to pet his hair.
“Don’t fall asleep on me.”
“Hmmm…”
~+~
Ryan doesn’t really fall apart. Not anymore. Not since that one day at Spencer’s when he first said ‘I’m sorry’ and couldn’t stop saying it again and again, shaking and wanting to die. He keeps it together. Even when he loses control. He wishes he could just give it to someone, but he can’t, he loses it to himself, to the primal part of his being. He thinks he accepted that, but sometimes he wonders how it could be. How it could be with someone like him. Someone who isn’t human, whom he can’t hurt so easily.
“You’re brooding again.”
“I’m writing a song.”
“Don’t lie to me.” Spencer says.
“I can do both, you know.”
“So, it wasn’t lying?”
“Not really, no.” Ryan answers. Spencer lets it go, sitting down on the floor, setting up the Playstaion. “Hey, Spence?”
“Yeah?”
“I was wondering…”
“Yeah?”
“Do you ever, I mean… do you think I will ever come across another…another,” he sighs a bit frustrated with himself, “someone like me?” It’s ridiculous that he still can’t say it, but he can’t.
“Do you want to?”
“Yes.”
“Why?” Brendon asks.
“Because…I don’t want to hurt anyone.” Ryan says. Brendon looks at him, thinking.
“You want someone to hurt you?” he asks. Ryan didn’t think about it like that. He isn’t sure.
“I…maybe?”
“Oh,” Spencer says.
~+~
“Ryan?”
“Yeah?”
“You sure about finding someone like you?”
“I, yeah. I’m sure.” He’s lying with Brendon on the bed under the covers, Brendon feels tired and sated but he really needs to know what Ryan wants. And if he is able to…well, he will.
“What is it you want from him/her?”
“I want to give up control.” Ryan says quietly.
“Oh,” Brendon says. “And you can’t do that with me, with us?”
“You aren’t…I mean when I’m violent, when I’m high on whatever it is that makes me do that. I don’t mean, when we are like this.” Ryan says. Brendon is thinking what it is Ryan wants him to understand.
“You mean, we’re too weak, because you always know you could kill us.” Brendon says softly. Ryan flinches. “I…it’s like that, isn’t it?”
Ryan nods and closes his eyes. Brendon leans his forehead against Ryan’s, his hand stroking Ryan’s hip. “You don’t want someone to hurt you, do you? You just want someone you can’t hurt.” He whispers.
“Maybe.” Ryan says and Brendon knows it means ‘yes’, he picked that up from Gerard.
“Sleep now.” Brendon says.
“Brendon?”
“I’m totally your guardian angel.” Brendon whispers and Ryan smiles.
Two
Three
Author: alles_luege
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon, Ryan/William, Panic GSF
Rating: R
Summary: Brendon is on a mission to make Ryan happy and if Ryan needs another vampire to make him happy, well, that’s Brendon’s eternal quest then.
Warning(s): Vampires, sex, blood play (a bit), angst, also not a 16 candles Au.
Author’s Notes: Set after ‘Midnight land’. And this is the last part. I swear. I’m done.
Word Count: 4.126
Beta: tygermine
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real.
~1~
It was never about the pain. Not for Ryan. In the beginning it wasn’t even about control or fear or any other thing that he hates and desires in equal measure. It was about blood and acceptance and friendship. Until the thing with Brendon’s finger, and Spencer, and well.
He doesn’t think often about it anymore. He just can’t. It does him no good and besides, Spencer seems to sense it when he’s wallowing in the past again and self-pity. Don’t forget the self-pity and guilt.
“I’m going to buy some chocolate for Brendon, you want something?” He asks, looking at Ryan. He waves his hand.
“Why isn’t he going himself?” he wants to know, his eyes fixed on the book he isn’t really reading, because he was wallowing in the past again.
“You know him…”
“That’s not really an answer and besides since when are you going?”
“I’m being nice.” Spencer says, Ryan does look up then and Spencer says, “Shut up!”
“I didn’t say anything.” Ryan answers smiling. Jon is the nice one. They all know it. Jon is the nice one. It’s something like a law.
“I am nice.”
“You’re the best.” Ryan says. Spencer huffs. “Hey, Spence?”
“Yeah?”
“I want something too.”
“What?”
“Surprise me.”
“You will get a bloody steak…” Jon says from the kitchen door.
“But Spencer is being nice,” Ryan answers laughing.
“You’re so going to get a bloody steak.” Spencer says darkly before he leaves. Ryan curls on the couch and laughs until his stomach hurts and breathing becomes an issue.
“You are a mean, mean boy. Ryan Ross.” Jon says.
“I need to keep up appearances.” Jon raises an eyebrow. “I’m a vicious creature of the night.” Ryan clarifies.
“You wish.” Jon answers deadpan. Ryan smiles. It’s always nice to hang out with Jon, because Jon actually says what he means and means what he says. And Ryan knows that Jon always thinks in terms of ‘who’ not of ‘what’. “What are you reading?” he asks.
“A book, you heard about them, I’m sure.”
Jon rolls his eyes, “Make some room, I wanna watch a movie.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Which one?”
“Nosferatu.”
“Funny.”
“Isn’t it?” Jon laughs, leaning against Ryan.
~+~
The first time wasn’t about violence at all. It was about…he doesn’t know. Want. His want, maybe Ryan’s too. He isn’t sure. He knows Ryan wanted, but Ryan didn’t make him want. This want, was his own. His desire. His. No one’s else.
Brendon doesn’t think Ryan ever understood that. Not then, not now. Because it’s still Brendon’s desire. Mostly. Even when Ryan loses it on occasion.
“What are you doing?” Brendon asks. Ryan looks up from the magazine he was reading.
“You’re totally able to see it, Brendon.”
“I’m bored.”
“You’re always bored.”
“It’s especially bad today.”
“Right.”
“It’s especially bad right now.” Brendon says, his eyes wide and innocent.
“I hate you.”
“You love me.” Brendon answers with a grin, Ryan rolls his eyes.
“What do you want to do?”
“We totally could have sex.”
“No.” Ryan says.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to.” Ryan answers.
“Well, what do you want to do?” Brendon asks.
“Read this magazine.”
“Okay,” Brendon says.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, I will just put my head in your lap and you will read the articles out loud.” Brendon answers, already getting comfortable on the couch.
“Right.”
“It’s that or sex. You totally can choose.” Brendon says with a smile.
“What are you interested in? Gossip?”
“Sounds good to me.”
Ryan rests the magazine on Brendon’s chest and sneaks one hand to pet his hair.
“Don’t fall asleep on me.”
“Hmmm…”
~+~
Ryan doesn’t really fall apart. Not anymore. Not since that one day at Spencer’s when he first said ‘I’m sorry’ and couldn’t stop saying it again and again, shaking and wanting to die. He keeps it together. Even when he loses control. He wishes he could just give it to someone, but he can’t, he loses it to himself, to the primal part of his being. He thinks he accepted that, but sometimes he wonders how it could be. How it could be with someone like him. Someone who isn’t human, whom he can’t hurt so easily.
“You’re brooding again.”
“I’m writing a song.”
“Don’t lie to me.” Spencer says.
“I can do both, you know.”
“So, it wasn’t lying?”
“Not really, no.” Ryan answers. Spencer lets it go, sitting down on the floor, setting up the Playstaion. “Hey, Spence?”
“Yeah?”
“I was wondering…”
“Yeah?”
“Do you ever, I mean… do you think I will ever come across another…another,” he sighs a bit frustrated with himself, “someone like me?” It’s ridiculous that he still can’t say it, but he can’t.
“Do you want to?”
“Yes.”
“Why?” Brendon asks.
“Because…I don’t want to hurt anyone.” Ryan says. Brendon looks at him, thinking.
“You want someone to hurt you?” he asks. Ryan didn’t think about it like that. He isn’t sure.
“I…maybe?”
“Oh,” Spencer says.
~+~
“Ryan?”
“Yeah?”
“You sure about finding someone like you?”
“I, yeah. I’m sure.” He’s lying with Brendon on the bed under the covers, Brendon feels tired and sated but he really needs to know what Ryan wants. And if he is able to…well, he will.
“What is it you want from him/her?”
“I want to give up control.” Ryan says quietly.
“Oh,” Brendon says. “And you can’t do that with me, with us?”
“You aren’t…I mean when I’m violent, when I’m high on whatever it is that makes me do that. I don’t mean, when we are like this.” Ryan says. Brendon is thinking what it is Ryan wants him to understand.
“You mean, we’re too weak, because you always know you could kill us.” Brendon says softly. Ryan flinches. “I…it’s like that, isn’t it?”
Ryan nods and closes his eyes. Brendon leans his forehead against Ryan’s, his hand stroking Ryan’s hip. “You don’t want someone to hurt you, do you? You just want someone you can’t hurt.” He whispers.
“Maybe.” Ryan says and Brendon knows it means ‘yes’, he picked that up from Gerard.
“Sleep now.” Brendon says.
“Brendon?”
“I’m totally your guardian angel.” Brendon whispers and Ryan smiles.
Two
Three