Where Did I Go? General Life Update
Edit: I realized after I posted this that I'd covered much of my health issues before in the very last post I made--sorry for the repeat of info. I can't say my memory has improved much.
It's been a while, eh? Its been on my mind that it'd be nice to touch base with everyone, but I just never seemed to get it done. I guess you could say I've been pretty insular lately, kinda gave up on building relationships in deference to just dealing with everyday life.
The last two years have been rough--just when I needed a friend the most, everyone I used to talk personal talk with was kinda gone or busy. And I know all of you were still here, but I felt like I asked for too much without giving anything back and I just can't feel good about that. I don't wanna be the person who takes and takes but doesn't give back in equal measure. I hate feeling like a burden--so it was easier to just maintain radio silence. So, I did what I always do, I dealt on my own--took one day at a time, went through the motions, got up and did what I had to do and just kept moving forward. It's been a very long, very hard two years filled with a whole lot of anxiety, physical pain and, at times, depression. My emotions have been all over the map and God love those who stuck by me through all of my irrititability, temper and insecurities. I know I've not been easy to live with at times over the course of all this upheaval.
Finally, last autumn I felt like something had to give and I went to my doctor and made it clear I needed help. This resulted in me being sent to a gynecologist and getting my antidepressant doubled. The medicine has helped calm some of the anxiety and the gynecologist gave me a diagnosis of Menorrhagia, a good-sized fibroid and possible endometriosis. I was also given a presciption for a maximum dose of naproxin, but I honestly can't tell it controls my pain any better than a Jolly Rancher. So, I have a very close relationship with my heating pad. :)
Luckily, the school changed insurances last summer and, when I checked this January, it covered the Mirena IUD, which is the number one way doctors treat endometriosis. A month or two ago I got that taken care of and things are better--not cured, but better. Also, I had a wonderful friend on Tumblr who listened to the few posts I made and extended her hand in help. You might know her, she goes by Mostly-Jensen. She's very sweet, giving and has been very instrumental in me being well enough to feel like making this post. She turned me on to essential oils. Not only did she talk to me about them and her experiences, but, God bless her, she sent me a box filled with samples for me to try. Which was a big deal, especially given that she's a very private person. I feel honored that she trusted me with her information and that she went to all the trouble to make this care package for me.
It's been a blessing. I've been using the essential oils for the last month or so and I can honestly say I think they are helping. I'm not going to say they are a total answer or cure, but they have enhanced the things I was already doing. I feel a little more grounded, a little more content, a little freer of burden and less anxious and panicked. Plus, I stopped rolling from one flu/cold to the next.
I find myself feeling more and more moments of happiness. Enough so that when I received the most lovely story review for What Comes After this week, I gathered my courage to reach out and ask for help getting a new chapter beta read while I work on the next. Honestly, it was hard to do that and has been the primary factor in why the story has stalled for so long. I'm so afraid of being a burden on anyone over this story and all of my usual beta readers have left, all save one and she's so busy I feel terrible asking. I have a friend or two that have offered, but they are also busy and I just can't keep bugging them.
So what do I do? I don't feel comfortable posting without another pair of eyes and I don't feel like searching for new beta readers. I'm kinda picky about who I trust--not just in terms of who I think will do a quality job, but who I think won't leave me feeling even more discouraged. I appreciate advice, but too much nitpicking only serves to dishearten me...especially when it comes in terms of style choices and personal theory on characters or things that really aren't a big deal overall. Anyway, I guess that's a worry for some other day since I've still got one willing soul still saying yes when I ask.
In other news, this school year has been a relief considering how bad I was hating my job last time we talked. We got fourth graders handed off to us this year and they have been so precious and so much fun. Little kids, man, there's nothing like working with kids under a certain age. Its been so good, so refreshing to get to work with these little ones. On top of that, my autistic girl I spend all afternoon with has been so much better this year. We seem to have reached some sort of truce and I hope it holds through the remaining six weeks or so of school.
I finally had to accept that not every single piece of work we did had to have a grade. I've always been a firm believer that if the kids put in the time and effort to do the work I hand out, I was responsible for making sure it was properly graded. This year, though, something had to give. So I started devising ways to get around being buried in paperwork and grading. We also have iPads now and so I started putting educational apps on them and having one day a week be iPad day so long as they have their work completed and don't have any re-works to do.
Next year my job will be changing in a very big way. I can't say if its going to be a good change or a bad change. There are a lot of pros, but the possible cons are doozies. The high school principal pulled me aside a couple of months ago to tell me the current high school special ed teacher had applied for the elementary position and they had given it to her and were pulling me over to take her place. This means I will be back to doing full-time teaching again rather than babysitting one student or being pushed out into other classrooms for a big part of the day. It means I'll have my own room all to myself and it means I can't be pulled to cover other teacher's classes unexpectedly (which I despise--there's a reason I do special ed and not regular room). It means I'll be teaching subject matter I'm more comfortable with and more interested in. It means no more 5th/6th grade lunch duty--hallelujah! Those kids are animals, I tell ya, wild animals bent on breaking my will!
The cons? The big two are: 1) I'll miss working with my sister and 2) I'll be working with my least favorite age group. People say middle school is hard--but I've had high school before (when I did art) and I can say assuredly that high schoolers are no cake walk. I'm especially nervous because I know some of the boys who'll be in my classes and they aren't exactly easy to get along with--unmotivated, lazy, sassy, obnoxious, disrespectful. I don't look forward to the possible conflict. In fact, I'm really nervous about it because I really, really, really hate conflict. But I equally hate a noisy, boisterous room. I can't have chaos in my classroom or my nerves will explode. I tend to run a pretty tight ship with clear boundaries, but at the same time, I really struggle with the conflict that sometimes arises. I want the kids to like being in my room, I want them to feel comfortable, so its really hard on me when I have to discipline or confront a situation--I'm typically a passive, quiet, shy, sensitive person and this part of teaching has always been unnerving for me, especially so when the kids are bigger than me. *sigh*. Also, I'll have to learn how to do transistioning for my students. Transition is a plan you make for post-high school and its something that I've not dealt with and don't know a lot about.
And I'm really going to miss working with my sister. I'll miss our venting sessions, I'll miss her help and support and the food goodies she surprises me with. I'll miss the security of having someone I trust fully to watch my back and just be there so I'm never in the room alone with other adults. We've been partners in the same room for years and its going to be hard to have that separation. However, in a way, its a good thing too. She's older than I by several years and is already looking at retirement. Every year I've been scared and worried about how I will deal with her leaving and then being forced to share the room with some stranger. At least this way that burden of worry is removed. A band aid being ripped off. Still, it makes me sad. Change is hard and I've never been one to welcome change.
She's been focused on helping me get excited about making a plan for decorating my new room, though. We've got a color scheme picked out and I've got some ideas to try to make the room as calming and welcoming as possible. I'm going with greens and turquoise colors with some cream thrown in. I want to cover my bulletin board in burlap fabric painted in a cream. Then I'm planning on using two kinds of trimmers layered one on top of each other. I'm going to try to work up the money to buy a diffuser and diffuse calming essential oils. I've got plans to incorporate as much plant life as possible and I want to get a bird feeder to attach to the outside window to give help keep us all calm. Nature calms me and I'm going to miss the scenery outside my current window. :'(
I've asked for desks to replace the tables and I'm going to set a basket of Himalayan salt rocks with a light somewhere near my desk--also looking to afford a small tabletop water fountain as well. I'm going to try to make some terrariums this summer and I hope to find the money to buy some bamboo windchimes. I've also got my eye on some wall decals that are really cool. See this one? CLICK ME! Cool, right? And this one: CLICK ME! I've also spent a lot of time on looking at apps to use in the classroom and working up some plans to reward/discourage behaviors and to just help make the classroom run as smoothly as possible by having plans in place. I'm hoping with enough positive things and a positive atmosphere, it'll help keep my worst nightmares to a minimum. I feel like a general going into battle.
All of this equals being excited, scared and nervous--I hope it works out to be a good thing and not a bad thing. I need for my job to be something I don't dread.
The last few months have been very busy for me. I've done a lot of research both for my classroom next year but also about essential oils (how to use them and where to buy them as cheaply as possible while getting quality). I'm thinking about making some body butter, bath fizzies and some sugar scrub for the women in my life as Mother's Day gifts if I have the money for the ingredients. Got all kinds of terrarium and other projects pinned on Pinterest. I've rearranged my living/bedroom completely around and have created an art center in front of my bedroom window. Been watching watercolor tutorials, reading every article I can on improving my writing skills, actively searching for new and different kinds of music (I adore Alt-J) and just a lot of reading on this and that. I'm the epitome of never stop learning. I'm a perpetual student and I love it--so long as I'm learning about things I enjoy. :)
Also, finally watched a Paul Walker movie this week. First one since his death--just couldn't bring myself to do it until now. I loved him--not nearly the same as I love and adore Jensen, but enough that his death hit me hard.
So, a lot of changes in my life, a lot of things keeping me busy and a lot of planning going on. Some days are still hard and I sometimes feel down and lonely, but I think, overall, I've been on an upswing. I'm feeling hopeful again. I hope it continues and I hope all of you are doing well. I've not heard much from anyone lately, but I hope this finds you all living well and feeling good. I wish I could give you all whatever it is that you need most right now. Even when I'm not here, I still think about several of you all the time--you're always in my heart. I wonder how you're doing, if your life has changed too, if you're sad or happy. I wish my thoughts of you could be packaged and sent out to somehow make your day happier, easier. I'm sending warm hugs to you and hoping you feel my love and appreciation. *hugs hard*
That's my update. I'm not sure how cohesive it is given my contacts are giving me heck. Sorry it turned out to be so long!
Video rec of the day (I watch this over and over and over--brilliant storytelling via music video):
Song rec of the day (give it a chance--it has cool lyrics and a cool guitar trick wherein a roll of insulation tape is tapped on the guitar fretboard to make a really cool Indian instrument sound. This is not an official video):
It's been a while, eh? Its been on my mind that it'd be nice to touch base with everyone, but I just never seemed to get it done. I guess you could say I've been pretty insular lately, kinda gave up on building relationships in deference to just dealing with everyday life.
The last two years have been rough--just when I needed a friend the most, everyone I used to talk personal talk with was kinda gone or busy. And I know all of you were still here, but I felt like I asked for too much without giving anything back and I just can't feel good about that. I don't wanna be the person who takes and takes but doesn't give back in equal measure. I hate feeling like a burden--so it was easier to just maintain radio silence. So, I did what I always do, I dealt on my own--took one day at a time, went through the motions, got up and did what I had to do and just kept moving forward. It's been a very long, very hard two years filled with a whole lot of anxiety, physical pain and, at times, depression. My emotions have been all over the map and God love those who stuck by me through all of my irrititability, temper and insecurities. I know I've not been easy to live with at times over the course of all this upheaval.
Finally, last autumn I felt like something had to give and I went to my doctor and made it clear I needed help. This resulted in me being sent to a gynecologist and getting my antidepressant doubled. The medicine has helped calm some of the anxiety and the gynecologist gave me a diagnosis of Menorrhagia, a good-sized fibroid and possible endometriosis. I was also given a presciption for a maximum dose of naproxin, but I honestly can't tell it controls my pain any better than a Jolly Rancher. So, I have a very close relationship with my heating pad. :)
Luckily, the school changed insurances last summer and, when I checked this January, it covered the Mirena IUD, which is the number one way doctors treat endometriosis. A month or two ago I got that taken care of and things are better--not cured, but better. Also, I had a wonderful friend on Tumblr who listened to the few posts I made and extended her hand in help. You might know her, she goes by Mostly-Jensen. She's very sweet, giving and has been very instrumental in me being well enough to feel like making this post. She turned me on to essential oils. Not only did she talk to me about them and her experiences, but, God bless her, she sent me a box filled with samples for me to try. Which was a big deal, especially given that she's a very private person. I feel honored that she trusted me with her information and that she went to all the trouble to make this care package for me.
It's been a blessing. I've been using the essential oils for the last month or so and I can honestly say I think they are helping. I'm not going to say they are a total answer or cure, but they have enhanced the things I was already doing. I feel a little more grounded, a little more content, a little freer of burden and less anxious and panicked. Plus, I stopped rolling from one flu/cold to the next.
I find myself feeling more and more moments of happiness. Enough so that when I received the most lovely story review for What Comes After this week, I gathered my courage to reach out and ask for help getting a new chapter beta read while I work on the next. Honestly, it was hard to do that and has been the primary factor in why the story has stalled for so long. I'm so afraid of being a burden on anyone over this story and all of my usual beta readers have left, all save one and she's so busy I feel terrible asking. I have a friend or two that have offered, but they are also busy and I just can't keep bugging them.
So what do I do? I don't feel comfortable posting without another pair of eyes and I don't feel like searching for new beta readers. I'm kinda picky about who I trust--not just in terms of who I think will do a quality job, but who I think won't leave me feeling even more discouraged. I appreciate advice, but too much nitpicking only serves to dishearten me...especially when it comes in terms of style choices and personal theory on characters or things that really aren't a big deal overall. Anyway, I guess that's a worry for some other day since I've still got one willing soul still saying yes when I ask.
In other news, this school year has been a relief considering how bad I was hating my job last time we talked. We got fourth graders handed off to us this year and they have been so precious and so much fun. Little kids, man, there's nothing like working with kids under a certain age. Its been so good, so refreshing to get to work with these little ones. On top of that, my autistic girl I spend all afternoon with has been so much better this year. We seem to have reached some sort of truce and I hope it holds through the remaining six weeks or so of school.
I finally had to accept that not every single piece of work we did had to have a grade. I've always been a firm believer that if the kids put in the time and effort to do the work I hand out, I was responsible for making sure it was properly graded. This year, though, something had to give. So I started devising ways to get around being buried in paperwork and grading. We also have iPads now and so I started putting educational apps on them and having one day a week be iPad day so long as they have their work completed and don't have any re-works to do.
Next year my job will be changing in a very big way. I can't say if its going to be a good change or a bad change. There are a lot of pros, but the possible cons are doozies. The high school principal pulled me aside a couple of months ago to tell me the current high school special ed teacher had applied for the elementary position and they had given it to her and were pulling me over to take her place. This means I will be back to doing full-time teaching again rather than babysitting one student or being pushed out into other classrooms for a big part of the day. It means I'll have my own room all to myself and it means I can't be pulled to cover other teacher's classes unexpectedly (which I despise--there's a reason I do special ed and not regular room). It means I'll be teaching subject matter I'm more comfortable with and more interested in. It means no more 5th/6th grade lunch duty--hallelujah! Those kids are animals, I tell ya, wild animals bent on breaking my will!
The cons? The big two are: 1) I'll miss working with my sister and 2) I'll be working with my least favorite age group. People say middle school is hard--but I've had high school before (when I did art) and I can say assuredly that high schoolers are no cake walk. I'm especially nervous because I know some of the boys who'll be in my classes and they aren't exactly easy to get along with--unmotivated, lazy, sassy, obnoxious, disrespectful. I don't look forward to the possible conflict. In fact, I'm really nervous about it because I really, really, really hate conflict. But I equally hate a noisy, boisterous room. I can't have chaos in my classroom or my nerves will explode. I tend to run a pretty tight ship with clear boundaries, but at the same time, I really struggle with the conflict that sometimes arises. I want the kids to like being in my room, I want them to feel comfortable, so its really hard on me when I have to discipline or confront a situation--I'm typically a passive, quiet, shy, sensitive person and this part of teaching has always been unnerving for me, especially so when the kids are bigger than me. *sigh*. Also, I'll have to learn how to do transistioning for my students. Transition is a plan you make for post-high school and its something that I've not dealt with and don't know a lot about.
And I'm really going to miss working with my sister. I'll miss our venting sessions, I'll miss her help and support and the food goodies she surprises me with. I'll miss the security of having someone I trust fully to watch my back and just be there so I'm never in the room alone with other adults. We've been partners in the same room for years and its going to be hard to have that separation. However, in a way, its a good thing too. She's older than I by several years and is already looking at retirement. Every year I've been scared and worried about how I will deal with her leaving and then being forced to share the room with some stranger. At least this way that burden of worry is removed. A band aid being ripped off. Still, it makes me sad. Change is hard and I've never been one to welcome change.
She's been focused on helping me get excited about making a plan for decorating my new room, though. We've got a color scheme picked out and I've got some ideas to try to make the room as calming and welcoming as possible. I'm going with greens and turquoise colors with some cream thrown in. I want to cover my bulletin board in burlap fabric painted in a cream. Then I'm planning on using two kinds of trimmers layered one on top of each other. I'm going to try to work up the money to buy a diffuser and diffuse calming essential oils. I've got plans to incorporate as much plant life as possible and I want to get a bird feeder to attach to the outside window to give help keep us all calm. Nature calms me and I'm going to miss the scenery outside my current window. :'(
I've asked for desks to replace the tables and I'm going to set a basket of Himalayan salt rocks with a light somewhere near my desk--also looking to afford a small tabletop water fountain as well. I'm going to try to make some terrariums this summer and I hope to find the money to buy some bamboo windchimes. I've also got my eye on some wall decals that are really cool. See this one? CLICK ME! Cool, right? And this one: CLICK ME! I've also spent a lot of time on looking at apps to use in the classroom and working up some plans to reward/discourage behaviors and to just help make the classroom run as smoothly as possible by having plans in place. I'm hoping with enough positive things and a positive atmosphere, it'll help keep my worst nightmares to a minimum. I feel like a general going into battle.
All of this equals being excited, scared and nervous--I hope it works out to be a good thing and not a bad thing. I need for my job to be something I don't dread.
The last few months have been very busy for me. I've done a lot of research both for my classroom next year but also about essential oils (how to use them and where to buy them as cheaply as possible while getting quality). I'm thinking about making some body butter, bath fizzies and some sugar scrub for the women in my life as Mother's Day gifts if I have the money for the ingredients. Got all kinds of terrarium and other projects pinned on Pinterest. I've rearranged my living/bedroom completely around and have created an art center in front of my bedroom window. Been watching watercolor tutorials, reading every article I can on improving my writing skills, actively searching for new and different kinds of music (I adore Alt-J) and just a lot of reading on this and that. I'm the epitome of never stop learning. I'm a perpetual student and I love it--so long as I'm learning about things I enjoy. :)
Also, finally watched a Paul Walker movie this week. First one since his death--just couldn't bring myself to do it until now. I loved him--not nearly the same as I love and adore Jensen, but enough that his death hit me hard.
So, a lot of changes in my life, a lot of things keeping me busy and a lot of planning going on. Some days are still hard and I sometimes feel down and lonely, but I think, overall, I've been on an upswing. I'm feeling hopeful again. I hope it continues and I hope all of you are doing well. I've not heard much from anyone lately, but I hope this finds you all living well and feeling good. I wish I could give you all whatever it is that you need most right now. Even when I'm not here, I still think about several of you all the time--you're always in my heart. I wonder how you're doing, if your life has changed too, if you're sad or happy. I wish my thoughts of you could be packaged and sent out to somehow make your day happier, easier. I'm sending warm hugs to you and hoping you feel my love and appreciation. *hugs hard*
That's my update. I'm not sure how cohesive it is given my contacts are giving me heck. Sorry it turned out to be so long!
Video rec of the day (I watch this over and over and over--brilliant storytelling via music video):
Click to viewSong rec of the day (give it a chance--it has cool lyrics and a cool guitar trick wherein a roll of insulation tape is tapped on the guitar fretboard to make a really cool Indian instrument sound. This is not an official video):