I Know Him So Well (1/1)
Title: I Know Him So Well
Author: tromana
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Jane/Lisbon
Summary: A case has Lisbon thinking; Jane tries to cheer her up. With tea.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Notes: Written for diviniaserit as a part of the Holiday Fics challenge. Twin - I know you asked for Lisbon solo on this one, but Jane insisted he played too.
I Know Him So Well
She stared up at the ceiling. Wishing, wishing that she could slow down her mind for half a second just to get some sleep.
This case was bothering her. Usually, she was able to compartmentalize effectively and just ignore it until she woke in the morning. But this one had just got to her.
She wasn’t even sure how or why. It didn’t have anything that would normally bother her. No alcoholics abusing their children, no mothers losing their lives too young. No children whose lives had been ended brutally far too soon. It didn’t seem to be particularly affecting the rest of her team either.
There was a knock at her hotel room door which jolted her from her reverie. Mumbling incoherently, Lisbon pulled herself to her feet and shambled to the door. When she opened it to see Jane, standing there with two cups of tea and a couple of bear claws, she knew she shouldn’t be surprised.
“As I suspected,” he said with a grin.
Lisbon suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. She had long since grown used to Jane springing things on her like this. At least this time, he hadn’t made a breakthrough in the case in the middle of the night and wanted to drag her to some unknown place, despite the fact she was half asleep.
Except, right now, she wasn’t half asleep. Quite simply because she wasn’t tired at all, however much she wished she actually was.
Wordlessly, she took a step to one side and indicated with her left arm that he was welcome to enter. Jane smiled once more as he walked past her, accidentally brushing against her ever so slightly with her shoulder. Lisbon shuddered slightly at the touch and knew Jane had noticed. Part of her was relieved that, for a change, he had the decency to ignore it.
The last thing she wanted right now was for him to pick up on that.
Because she knew, deep down, that she had feelings for him. And that they weren’t going to go away any time soon. She could ignore them, pretend they didn’t exist and suppress them furiously, but it didn’t change a damn thing. They were still there.
But he was out of bounds. Then again, so was she.
And if she wasn’t ready for a relationship, there was no chance in hell that he would be too.
Quietly, she thanked him for the tea and took a sip. It wasn’t your standard tea, it was an unusual blend. Still black, but had a strange taste to it. Not unpleasant, but that was typical Jane. He couldn’t do anything normally and especially not tea drinking. He wouldn’t have been himself if he did something in the average way.
The silence was companionable, if a little uncomfortable on Lisbon’s part. Jane rarely made social visits for no apparent reason, but equally she didn’t have the energy for his style of psychoanalysis. Most of the time, she was more than happy to deal with it but now? She had too much on her mind.
This case, for one.
The sooner they closed it, the better. Not just because it was bothering her, but it also meant they could get back home, to familiar ground soon. Cases which were out of town and required longer stints elsewhere always put the team on edge. They were intelligent and highly strung individuals as it was, so putting them in situations like this was always like putting hyperactive kids in a candy store. Even if you were as careful as feasibly possible, it was still likely to lead to disaster.
And with her feeling off her game, it was just making it all the worse.
“Don’t worry, we’ll close this case soon,” Jane assured her, though she had vocalized that concern.
Then again, with Jane, she never needed to. At times, he could read her like an open book and it always unnerved her. Really, it shouldn’t anymore. She’d known him for more than long enough to familiar with his quirks and idiosyncrasies. Still, there were times when she didn’t exactly forget, but almost switched off about the fact. It was then that it made her feel more uncomfortable than unnerved.
“What makes you think that?”
“Call it a hunch.”
“You never tell me you hunches,” she said, sounding dubious. “And if I recall correctly, that’s for good reason.”
“Au contraire, my dear Lisbon. I do whenever it’s necessary.”
“And right now, it’s necessary how?”
“Because you need cheering up.”
She snorted. These days, it didn’t seem like much could do that. She spent so much time and energy on making sure that Jane stuck to the straight and narrow, that she never really had time for herself anymore. Especially so since he had nearly gone down for the murder of Timothy Carter. She knew that she shouldn’t treat Jane like a charity case, as he certainly didn’t see himself as one, but sometimes, she just couldn’t help it. Her fondness for him overrode her sense of logic. Even if he didn’t want her help, she was going to give it to him through hell and high water.
They’d been through way too much together for her not to do that.
And yet, at times, it seemed like they were just as distant as ever. Jane never seemed to get over his incessant desire to push people away. Not because he didn’t like company or attention, but simply because he was so scared about getting attached again. Lisbon was certain that generally, Jane was a social butterfly, he craved attention, but he just couldn’t allow himself to get too close to people.
Everybody that happened to, he ended up losing, one way or another. And more often than not, it was through dire consequences (more commonly known as the serial killer, Red John.)
Still, he sometimes tried to put the effort into spending time with her. When he thought she needed it and such. And she appreciated it so. In fact, she clung onto any shred of care and attention he gave her, as if it were her lifeblood. Which, in a way, it was. It showed her that he appreciated the energy she put into him, that he was still capable of caring. Of acting like a human being, rather than simply existing to carry out a twisted quest for revenge.
But it wasn’t healthy for her. She’d never allowed herself to get so attached to men in the past, as it never ended happily.
Even her father, the man she was meant to be able to trust the most, had let her down quite spectacularly. In fact, if anything, that was most likely where her trust issues stemmed from. Not only had he neglected his duty of care, but he had actively made her and her brother’s lives a misery. It was no wonder that she had had a screwed up vision of life since then.
And it was no wonder that, every so often, there were cases that just got to her as a result. That they didn’t even need a specific trigger to start her off in one way or another.
“What about the truth?” she queried.
“It will be closed soon. Within forty-eight hours, I believe.”
“Another hunch?”
“Yes,” he answered honestly.
“And can you tell me why you believe that?”
“Ah, now that would be a hunch too far.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes, really.”
Though she had been resisting temptation for a while, Lisbon yawned. Then again, despite the fact she quite obviously couldn’t sleep, she had been feeling awfully tired for a long while.
“You’re tired.”
“No kidding,” she answered, the sarcasm dripping out automatically.
“I’ll let you get some rest.”
She nodded, but still took a couple of steps and accompanied him to the door. He stepped outside but turned to face her, frowning a little. When he cupped her face in his hands, Lisbon was stunned to silence. Though he was a naturally tactile person, Jane never really touched anybody in such an intimate place. She could almost feel the panic rising inside of her. This was all kinds of wrong; they weren’t ready, he wasn’t ready. He was still mourning for his dead family, and she…
She…
It was almost a relief and at the same time, unbearable torture, when he brushed his lips softly against her forehead. An almost paternal gesture, and a very protective and caring one at that. It was almost unheard of for Jane and yet, she couldn’t help but wonder if it meant that he was about to pull away from her again.
If it was an apology, of sorts, before he did so.
If, when, he did, she knew it was going to hurt like hell. It always did.
“Thanks for the company,” he murmured and took a couple of steps back. “Get some rest.”
Lisbon nodded. “Thank you for the tea.”
When she’d closed the door firmly shut, Lisbon headed straight to the bed and collapsed on top of it.
Now she knew why the case was bothering her. It was blindingly obvious. The widower was practically Jane, just before his breakdown. Toeing the fine line between sanity and not. He’d sworn to exact revenge on the person responsible for his wife’s death. And despite Jane’s insistence (still) to carry it out, Lisbon knew that it was never the answer. It just led to people running around in circles.
And it hurt those closest to the individual the most.
For they were the ones always scrabbling to put the pieces back together. They were the ones always running one step behind, trying to stop them from doing something stupid. They were the ones who were going to land up getting their hearts broken, because they cannot help but let themselves get too close, despite getting pushed away.
She was one of them.
And would be, until the day when Jane either succeeded (for real, this time) or realized the foolishness of it all.
Even then, she knew that whichever happened, it most likely didn’t have a happy ending written in it for her.