Comments | noldoparma: Friends forever

noldoparma

Friends forever

Aug 12, 2010 13:41

I discover in the course of RP-ing - what better way to self-discovery than creating completely different avatars? - that I am terrible at keeping friends. Making and keeping friends, rather. Not that the knowledge is completely new to me, but as I count off my fingers on the friends I have remained closed to over the years, I realise just how bad ( Read more... )

Comments 3

irnbruise August 12 2010, 06:32:12 UTC

I could have written this myself ( ... )

noldoparma August 12 2010, 06:53:54 UTC

Nah, not pyshobabble - I know what you mean. My problem however is as much as I extend an olive branch or as much as I "work through things", the balance in the friendship just never comes back. Partly because, I suppose, there is that shadow of "dishonesty" and "mistrust" - as though I am not quite the person they know after all and God knows what other secrets I have. Then the friendship fades altogether into being acquaintances. Story of my friendships, sigh.

There are times I wonder if it is because I do not care deeply enough for actual personal connection.

irnbruise August 12 2010, 07:20:57 UTC

No, I know what you mean, because even though I wrote a really emotional email to said friend explaining why I don't want to lose them, and the language on fb/lj has gone back to being friendly - I'm worried that deep down there is an irreparable thing that's been done and it's never going to be the way it was before and this is another loss I should write off. I'm trying to organize a group meetup including this person, so if it happens I guess I can see how it is in real life. Because most people - myself included - once they feel like they've been attacked or criticized you can never really regain that level of trust/intimacy that was there before. Alas.

I still want to know the secret to letting friendships fade to acquaintances because it's like I either have friends or people who hate me. Hmph. No moderation.

I don't care for people at all, but I also recognize that without them I would be very lonely, so I have to get over myself and deal with other people, however distastefully, to not drown in isolation.