This has always been a puzzler to me as well. To me, dating means being in high school, having to sneak around to spend time with somebody, and getting yelled at for holding hands in study hall - sex is very much beside the point. By that definition, I've only ever dated one person.
I have been in sexual relationships that I thought had a minimum of commitment with people, in which the other party thought we were "dating". I think it's a very variable thing - everyone makes their own criteria and is then surprised when others have different ones.
So now I wonder, how do other people feel about this? What has to be there before you say you're dating?
I don't know - still sorting this one out. Ever since I started playing I've had to re-examine my assumptions about what is "sex", what is a "relationship", what is "dating" and I've still not got it sorted. Yes, it makes describing some people and some interactions with them complicated :P
What you say about commitment and prioritizing that relationship ring true, but I have a strictly platonic friend who I tend to prioritize (I've known her since I was 11, so that friendship is kind of in a space of it's own - almost "sister"). I think for me there would have to be genital sex involved for me to call it "dating", but then, see redefining "sex" above.
I don't even think of it as sex vs. other things, it's all just stuff you do, and with every person there's some stuff you do and some you don't. I can't even order things from least intimate to most intimate anymore, it depends too much on the person and the relationship. There are people I'd have sex with but not bottom to, and vice versa.
What you say about commitment and prioritizing that relationship ring true, but I have a strictly platonic friend who I tend to prioritize [...]
I wasn't trying to say "if there is commitment then you're dating", but rather "if you're dating then there must be commitment". In other words it's a necessary but not sufficient condition.
I've had friends who could demand a lot and get it, but never a friend who took as much time and energy as any relationship. Partners also have far more ability to ask me to change my life or myself than friends do.
If I'm dating someone I feel it's reasonable for each of us to demand a lot more of the other (and get it!) than "just friends" could. For me this commitment seems to naturally bring a feeling of posession, and I'm not sure that I can have that feeling without some level of commitment.
This makes some sense. Then again, "close friends" also does.
I will feel obligated to do things for close friends that I might not feel obligated to do for others.
I think you might have also been discussing the concept of close friends earlier in the post; dunno.
:shrug: no time right now.
Or I might have been making some commment re 'close friends' being a descriptor that would still work for a number of your 'talk all hte time and spend a lot of time together without romantic happenings' relationships.
my experience is that there's not necessarily any definable difference between dating and not-dating except the label. i think the label is usually employed to signal the intent for some kind of romantic relationship, though, even if the reality doesn't pan out.
my experience is that there's not necessarily any definable difference between dating and not-dating except the label.
You're even worse (or better?) than I am! I think I'd like to be more like you but I still see there's a difference between my "real"/dating relationships and the ones that aren't that serious. It's like there's an uncomfortable middle ground. When a relationship is in that zone it makes me want more from it, but if I can't have more I pull back a bit to avoid the pain of wanting something I can't have. Now to be fair that zone is small and definitely shrinking over time, so maybe I just need to give it another year or so. And come to think of it I've had a couple relationships squarely in that middle zone lately... hmm.
Ok how about this: even though I do let relationships sit in that middle zone, mentally I still classify each as dating or not. I guess I should change that!
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I have been in sexual relationships that I thought had a minimum of commitment with people, in which the other party thought we were "dating". I think it's a very variable thing - everyone makes their own criteria and is then surprised when others have different ones.
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I don't know - still sorting this one out. Ever since I started playing I've had to re-examine my assumptions about what is "sex", what is a "relationship", what is "dating" and I've still not got it sorted. Yes, it makes describing some people and some interactions with them complicated :P
What you say about commitment and prioritizing that relationship ring true, but I have a strictly platonic friend who I tend to prioritize (I've known her since I was 11, so that friendship is kind of in a space of it's own - almost "sister"). I think for me there would have to be genital sex involved for me to call it "dating", but then, see redefining "sex" above.
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What you say about commitment and prioritizing that relationship ring true, but I have a strictly platonic friend who I tend to prioritize [...]
I wasn't trying to say "if there is commitment then you're dating", but rather "if you're dating then there must be commitment". In other words it's a necessary but not sufficient condition.
I've had friends who could demand a lot and get it, but never a friend who took as much time and energy as any relationship. Partners also have far more ability to ask me to change my life or myself than friends do.
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This makes some sense. Then again, "close friends" also does.
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I'm either pretty surprised by this, or totally misinterpreting it.
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I think you might have also been discussing the concept of close friends earlier in the post; dunno.
:shrug: no time right now.
Or I might have been making some commment re 'close friends' being a descriptor that would still work for a number of your 'talk all hte time and spend a lot of time together without romantic happenings' relationships.
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You're even worse (or better?) than I am! I think I'd like to be more like you but I still see there's a difference between my "real"/dating relationships and the ones that aren't that serious. It's like there's an uncomfortable middle ground. When a relationship is in that zone it makes me want more from it, but if I can't have more I pull back a bit to avoid the pain of wanting something I can't have. Now to be fair that zone is small and definitely shrinking over time, so maybe I just need to give it another year or so. And come to think of it I've had a couple relationships squarely in that middle zone lately... hmm.
Ok how about this: even though I do let relationships sit in that middle zone, mentally I still classify each as dating or not. I guess I should change that!
Reply
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