Honor the boundries and tell anyone all they wish to know. I do not know of any play I have done with anyone that their partner did not know, and my partner did not know about (unless you count play events, where crazy things happen all the time, but even then people honor the arangements they have and then tell their partners after the fact).
There are always good reasons for everything from cheating, to stealing, to murder, but that does not make it moral or right. Everyone has to live by their own moral code.
I have a weird situation in that I will play with whomever I like but my play partner does not. It is not by my decision it is that way but his that we discussed in our initial negotiation and have maintained in subsequent negotiations.
I don't have sex with people [at all *pft*] I'm just playing with, so it's really not an issue on the intercourse side. If I were in a relationship I would still play with whoever I liked though unless it was specifically negotiated ahead of time that I would not. I guess for me play and sex are two different things and I keep them pretty well separated.
A similar question has come up in a different venue for me, and really made me think. Here's my rough take:
When I go to a play party or an event like Springfire, I generally assume that they're there in goodwill - they wouldn't be there to play if someone at home had a problem with it. In most situations I know the person at at least well enough to know whether they have someone at home or not, and have asked in the past if it's ok, and for good or ill take their words for it.
If I started playing with someone regularly or making regular "play dates" outside of party/scene space, then I'd want to know more, because it's getting beyond "casual friendly" play. And if it turns out they were deceiving their partner(s), I'd back off. Even if the partner(s) would never know, I don't want to be party to that dishonesty.
For my own part, I always wear my wedding and engagement rings to parties and discuss D. and mine's boundaries with play buddies.
All (okay, both) of my serious, long-term partners have permission to play with whomever they choose to play with, as long as their choice doesn't adversely impact our relationship (my two concerns being safety and drama). That's the only way I can conceive of ever having a poly relationship -- I implicitly trust both of my partners to make responsible choices.
As far as notification goes, if a long-term partner has casual play at a party or whatever, I don't necessarily need to know. I might LIKE to know, but that's just because I'm a voyeur. ;-) If it turns into a recurring thing, or if sex happens, I want to know at least in general terms what's going on and with whom. Again, I don't need to know gory details -- but I do enjoy living vicariously through the sex lives of my partners on occasion. :)
I have quite different standards for when I am the one who has a primary partner, and for when my potential play partner is. This is based on my view that fidelity is a contract between partners.
As an analogy, think of a business contract. If I am an employee, I am legally not permitted to take a second job that would violate my contract with my first employer. However, if I am an employer hiring someone for a part-time job, I do not have to determine whether the potential employee has another job, and whether the part-time job I am offering would interfere with the primary job. If the employee says s/he has a primary job, I am certainly not required to go to the primary employer, describe the employee's duties at the secondary job, and find out whether the secondary job is okay with the primary employer.
I treat the contract of fidelity in relationships the same way. I will do my utmost not to do anything that would violate the contract between easy_living and me. This does not necessarily mean that easy_living has to know everything that I do.
( ... )
I think this is an interesting point, and part of the stickiness that I alluded to. It's one thing to behave ethically yourself, it's another to police your play partner's ethics. I personally don't want to be involved in any situation that's clearly unethical, but how hard should I go looking for trouble? For me it depends a lot on what I think the potential for drama is, though I guess in most of those cases I'd prefer to avoid the situation entirely.
That brings up another good point. Regardless of the ethics, I have often advised people to avoid playing with someone who is cheating on a spouse/partner, simply as a matter of self-preservation. Part of this is the potential for drama if the spouse/partner finds out. Part is that I've seen far too many situations in which a single person starts thinking of what they have with a married person as an exclusive relationship, no matter what the married person says ahead of time. The single person is then devastated when the married person does not leave the spouse, or plays with others, or isn't there for the single person on Valentine's Day/Christmas/New Year's, or whatever.
It would seem to me obvious that a guy who is already married, and especially one who is already married to someone who does not know about his play activities, is not a good candidate for a monogamous relationship. I have been startled, however, by the number of people who seem not to grasp this.
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Honor the boundries and tell anyone all they wish to know. I do not know of any play I have done with anyone that their partner did not know, and my partner did not know about (unless you count play events, where crazy things happen all the time, but even then people honor the arangements they have and then tell their partners after the fact).
There are always good reasons for everything from cheating, to stealing, to murder, but that does not make it moral or right. Everyone has to live by their own moral code.
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I don't have sex with people [at all *pft*] I'm just playing with, so it's really not an issue on the intercourse side. If I were in a relationship I would still play with whoever I liked though unless it was specifically negotiated ahead of time that I would not. I guess for me play and sex are two different things and I keep them pretty well separated.
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When I go to a play party or an event like Springfire, I generally assume that they're there in goodwill - they wouldn't be there to play if someone at home had a problem with it. In most situations I know the person at at least well enough to know whether they have someone at home or not, and have asked in the past if it's ok, and for good or ill take their words for it.
If I started playing with someone regularly or making regular "play dates" outside of party/scene space, then I'd want to know more, because it's getting beyond "casual friendly" play. And if it turns out they were deceiving their partner(s), I'd back off. Even if the partner(s) would never know, I don't want to be party to that dishonesty.
For my own part, I always wear my wedding and engagement rings to parties and discuss D. and mine's boundaries with play buddies.
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As far as notification goes, if a long-term partner has casual play at a party or whatever, I don't necessarily need to know. I might LIKE to know, but that's just because I'm a voyeur. ;-) If it turns into a recurring thing, or if sex happens, I want to know at least in general terms what's going on and with whom. Again, I don't need to know gory details -- but I do enjoy living vicariously through the sex lives of my partners on occasion. :)
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As an analogy, think of a business contract. If I am an employee, I am legally not permitted to take a second job that would violate my contract with my first employer. However, if I am an employer hiring someone for a part-time job, I do not have to determine whether the potential employee has another job, and whether the part-time job I am offering would interfere with the primary job. If the employee says s/he has a primary job, I am certainly not required to go to the primary employer, describe the employee's duties at the secondary job, and find out whether the secondary job is okay with the primary employer.
I treat the contract of fidelity in relationships the same way. I will do my utmost not to do anything that would violate the contract between easy_living and me. This does not necessarily mean that easy_living has to know everything that I do. ( ... )
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It would seem to me obvious that a guy who is already married, and especially one who is already married to someone who does not know about his play activities, is not a good candidate for a monogamous relationship. I have been startled, however, by the number of people who seem not to grasp this.
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