can't breathe without you.
breathe in, then breathe out.
this is what jessica always herself to do. before performances, after rehearsals, before the winner of an award they are also nominated for is announced. never in her life has she imagined herself doing this particular feat in front of her laptop while reading an article.
shinee’s jonghyun and shin sekyung confirmed to be dating!
“jess - “
sooyoung stops short at the doorway to their shared bedroom as she spots what jessica is reading, the screen of her laptop displaying a telltale photo of jonghyun and sekyung. “jessica,” she murmurs, crawling onto the bed, fingers instinctively reaching out toward her shattered friend.
“what is it?” jessica turns to her band mate with a minute smile on (stop smiling and break goddammit but sooyoung keeps her mouth shut) and her head cocked to the side.
“are you alright?”
“of course. why wouldn’t i be?”
“jonghy - “
jessica throws back her head and laughs (it’s too bright and too cheerful when the circumstances aren’t right, like a rainbow drawn on gray paper) as loud as she can without making it seem forced. “i’m fine, sooyoung-ah. he’s happy now; he really cares for her.”
at one point he cared for you. if you took the chance, that would’ve been you.
it would never have been me. it couldn’t be me.
yuri and tiffany stumble into the room, simultaneously. in utmost silence, a stifling air of compassion surrounding them, they sit on jessica’s bed. their arms encircle her frail, thin body because they don’t know what else they can do.
“everything will be okay,” tiffany continues to insist as she rubs jessica’s arm again and again but the latter feels nothing. she is hollow inside, as if she was created without emotions. as if she is made of cold stone.
“honestly, you guys are acting as if i’m upset!” whines jessica (her voice fails her when there is an audible tremor that betrays her nonchalant appearance) as she clicks the ‘x’ button at the top of the page. “i’m not. as a matter of fact, i’m glad that he’s found someone who makes him happy.”
“but ‘sica - “
feigning annoyance, jessica socks yuri on the arm. “take a chill pill, kwon yuri!” she shrieks, pelting her half-amused friend with a pillow. now that the ambiance is lighter, she announces, “i have a photo shoot in an hour, so i’ve got to get ready. get out of the room - including you, soo.”
the other three hesitantly get off the bed, worry clouding their eyes.
“go.”
they comply, closing the door behind them.
the very moment there is a click to signal that the door is closed, jessica locks it. then she retreats to her bed and silently falls apart.
bitter tears roll down her cheeks and soak the pillowcase. her lips shudder and quaver spasmodically as her mouth open and close, shaking with her sobs (he used to own her heart but it has since detonated because he threw it back at her once he has the heart he wants) and blanch with her gasps.
at one point, jessica genuinely thought that it would be him. it would be him who would dance with her in the rain and kiss her until she is panting for air in dark closets. maybe it would even be him who would present her with a glittering diamond ring when they are a bit older.
you’re stupid girl, sooyeon-ah. stupid, stupid girl.
jessica lies in bed, knees pulled up to her chest (if she doesn’t, perhaps her heart will to catapult out of her body and explode all over the floor) as she attempts to regain her sanity which she is sure she has lost.
she reaches into the drawer next to her bed and pulls out a polaroid photo. it is of her and him, posing together at one of the recent smtown concerts, smiling brightly without a care for the world, as if nothing is going to break their bond.
he just did.
with trembling fingers, she moves her two hands in opposite directions. the picture tears slowly, leaving her on one side and him on the other - the way it’s supposed to be - as shreds dropping onto the floor without sound.
“jessica-noona,” jonghyun muses when he spots her the next day on his way to shinee’s practice room. “have you heard?”
she puts her mask on, just like she’s practiced, and replies readily, “of course i did! good for you, jjong-ah. good luck to you and sekyung, okay?”
offering a small grin as a goodbye, she walks away but makes a turn into a tiny, isolated space near the stairwell. then jessica stuffs her fist into her mouth when tears turn her face sticky and frustrated sobs overflow.
she tries to take in quick, stilted mouthfuls of air.
i can’t breathe without you.