Scandalous and cold.
jessica’s sister.
the two words are like the oxygen that surrounds her wherever she goes - something inevitable. unlike oxygen, though, it is not vital. she does not need it but she has it. it’s a label that she doesn’t want; a label that provides her with an insecurity that makes her feel like she’ll never sum up to their expectations.
it leaves her hovering on the frame, just short of falling off the edge. she’s struggling to find the meaning of her life in someone else’s existence and choking on air all at once, not knowing who would save her this time (not her sister, not him, not them) because she isn’t strong enough to save herself.
krystal tries to remember the exact moment, the exact period, in which she lost her heart and soul to him and to the world. she attempts to retrieve the memory but fails because perhaps she gradually lost it in large amounts that she couldn’t control because this is what it’s supposed to be like.
she’s seen this before. back then, jessica was as sweet as seohyun and as witty as sooyoung and as bold as tiffany, which essentially means that she was your average girl-next-door. then she realized that if you play it safe, you get swallowed up at the back.
in this business, krystal learns, it’s much better to be scandalous (because you get to stand out and actually matter) and cold than too compliant.
but maybe minho isn’t made for this business because he doesn’t do scandalous and cold.
“good job, soojung!” cheers minho, acknowledging her with a nod and one of his infamous grins as he catches hold of her backstage. failing to notice that it is he who addressed her, krystal replies with a toneless and curt thanks.
no, krystal. minho does not like scandalous and cold.
the instant she realizes her mistake, it’s already too late. his eyes hollow out automatically and his lips press into a thin line. “oh, i - i didn’t notice it’s you. i am so sorry, minho-oppa.” krystal bows staggeringly (it’s ironic just how afraid she is of losing someone she’s never had) without looking him in the eye.
“it’s alright, soojung,” he says, and there’s that smile again but it’s already different. it becomes a smile that’s just for her but not in the way she wants - a mere replica of his genuine smile, a meaningless copy.
this particular smile never emerges when yuri is around.
strangely enough, that one time (that leaves a permanent mark) when krystal walked in on them together was not during a moment of any personal intimacy. they were on the couch in girls’ generation’s practice room, laughing about something only they know about.
but the insane splendor of the scene splits split her heart in half (she would offer the other half to him but she’s pretty sure he already has the half he wants) and made her gulp for air because it’s this kind of pretty nobody can spoil.
“hi, krystal!” when she spots the young girl peeking into the room, yuri’s eyes brighten. she asks, “are you looking for someone?” krystal is at a loss for words but since she is a self-trained liar, she offers them a winsome grin in return. “i was just looking for ‘sica-unnie,” she clarifies. “she’s not here, though, so i’ll go look somewhere else. bye!”
(they should’ve noticed that something was wrong. krystal never looks for jessica and jessica never looks for her because there’s this unspoken strain of you’re my sister but you never look out for me between them.)
“going on a date?” teases krystal as she spots minho and yuri huddled together after practice one day, hastily pulling on their jackets.
“don’t tell manager-hyung.” when minho grins at her she loses her breath because it’s the yuri smile - bright and beaming and so fucking smitten.
krystal rolls her eyes, seals her lip with her finger and wistfully keeps an eye on them as they prepare to leave.
he opens the door and lets yuri walk out first like the true gentleman he is. their fingers are linked together and it is like love photographed; the way he bends down and brushes his lips across her hair and the content smile she wears.
(actually, krystal couldn’t offer half of her heart to him to begin with. she already threw everything - heart, soul and feelings - out when she signed on to become the plasticized, scandalous and cold krystal of f(x), sister of girls’ generation’s jessica, instead of dainty, happy jung soojung, baby sister of jung sooyeon.)