Fic: Pranksters - First Year
Title: Pranksters - First Year
Beta: dizilla and aquila_star
Rating: R
Word Count: 4,631 (overall 23,000)
Pairings/Characters: Kirk, McCoy, OFCs, OMCs, McCoy/OFC (hinted)
Warnings: bad language, innuendo, public nudity and a whole lot of pranks going on
Disclaimer: Not mine, dammit!
Summary:
The legendary and epic prank war of 2255-2256 by cadets Kirk and McCoy.
Leonard might not have started it, but he was damn sure gonna finish it.
A/N: A very long time ago I started on this fic, based off a prompt on the Kink meme about the idea of Kirk and McCoy pranking each other while at the Academy here. I didn’t use the two suggested pranks, but it is canon that McCoy was a very good prankster while at Ole Miss.
This will be posted regularly over the next three weeks. I hope you enjoy!
Also posted at AO3
Leonard should have expected it.
He had already spent most of his youth in college and was well versed in pranking, more often being the giver than the receiver. Jim was a newbie to college life, even if this was a Military Academy and not a University, so there were a few more rules and regulations, but there had always been a hint of mischief in Jim’s eyes that should have warned Leonard well and good.
Leonard might not have started it, but he was damn sure gonna finish it.
-- 1 --
By the seventeenth message left on his PADD and the fourth call in two days, Leonard’s temper was well and truly riled.
Leonard gritted his teeth as he listened to the request. His tone could only be described as terse as he replied to the anonymous person on the end of the line.
"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer! You have called the wrong number, ma'am."
Leonard glanced over at Jim, who had stopped to wait when Leonard took the call as they were walking from Archer to Tucker Hall.
He took in Jim's attempt at affecting an innocent expression.
"Damn it, Jim. You’ll get yours."
With that, Leonard was striding away to his next class, already planning his revenge.
-- 2 --
Leonard had tracked down all the ads which Jim had placed. A little turnabout was his plan, but it hadn't worked quite as he intended.
"Kirk's Plumbing, where we will service your pipes all hours of the day and night!" Jim announced happily when he answered his PADD.
How was he to know Jim had worked as an apprentice plumber during his misspent youth?
Leonard just glared at the unrepentant grin on Jim's face.
There was one plus though, Jim had been generous at the bar lately with his new-found earnings.
A failed prank was still a failed prank, so Leonard turned his mind to winning the next round. Jim might have turned the tables on him, but from what he knew of his new roommate so far, Jim didn't like to concede. In this, they were well matched.
-- 3 --
It was a few weeks later before he unleashed his next prank.
His Xenobio Professor was always eager to finish her classes a little early on Fridays, while Jim's Advanced Tactics course always ran over time, well into the lunch hour. Leonard hadn’t heard Jim complain about the overrun like he had for a couple of other classes and it made him suspect it was Jim’s fault, with all the questioning he was likely doing. Leonard made sure he got to the Mess Hall early that day and swiped a salt shaker off the table, before heading to the nearest restroom to make the necessary adjustments undisturbed.
He placed the salt shaker carefully into his case and headed back into the Mess Hall, making sure to keep away from others so they couldn't jostle him. He picked up lunch for himself and Jim and headed back to their table, both trays balanced carefully, one in each hand, ambidextrous ability a useful side effect from his surgical training.
It should have been strange that people already had their own little tables picked out. No one would sit at a table different from what was now their ‘normal’ preferred spot. All of the cadets seemed to know each other’s preferences, it was just one of those little clique things which seemed to happen when people spend a lot of time in each others pockets.
He put the trays down and carefully removed the case from under his arm, taking even more care at opening it than he had carrying it, in case the lemon juice and baking soda inside had already started to combine. The salt shaker was sitting in there benignly so he carefully took it out, closed the case and placed the it on the table before sitting down and waiting for Jim to arrive.
"Bones!" Jim exclaimed as he slapped him on the shoulder a few minutes later. "Potatoes? Good man! Although this serving looks a little stingy, might have to go back for seconds."
Jim slid into the chair next to him and picked up the salt shaker. Leonard ignored the new nickname and surreptitiously angled his tray away from Jim.
"Don't you always, Jim?" Leonard murmured as he watched Jim give one normal shake and when that didn't work, he put more arm work into it.
On the third shake, the top exploded off the salt shaker and a shower of foam coated Jim's meal and most of his cadet reds.
At the look of consternation on Jim's face, Leonard smiled.
"Well, Jim-Boy, I think you were right. Seconds is definitely in the cards." Leonard speared a piece of carrot and popped it into his mouth, resolutely ignoring the raised chatter around them, taking satisfaction in the crunch the carrot made as he chewed.
Jim's natural disposition took over and he grinned.
"Good one, Bones. Score two to you." Jim picked up his tray and, ignoring the wet patches on his uniform, heading over to dispose of the still foaming food and salt shaker.
Leonard smiled in response to Jim conceding the prank and how he was responding to the game. From the few months they had lived together, Leonard had learned that Jim’s natural disposition was a fairly happy one and he wasn’t quite what others thought of him. Leonard knew that Jim would come back with a good response, so he was prepared to be on his guard.
-- 4 --
It was over a month since the foam incident and Bones, while seemingly not entirely complacent, had dropped his guard enough for Jim to observe and strike back.
Their barracks had a shared bathroom facility, the joys of being first year cadets, and Bones was fond of showering at night, while Jim was more a morning person.
While Bones was showering, Jim snuck into the room and removed his clothes. It took a couple of trips and some careful planning and watching to ensure he was unobserved. The hardest part was stealing his towel. Luckily Bones had had a hard shift and was taking his time under the hot water, which was steaming up the room nicely to assist Jim. He couldn't hide the clothes back in their room, as Bones would be able to find them, so he had to think of an alternative where Bones wouldn’t. There was a room in the basement which had pipes running along the ceiling and was just too perfect for his plan. Over the top of them the clothes went and Jim rushed back to their room to wait for the fireworks.
First there was the whooshing of other cadets’ doors opening and not closing, and then the raised chatter of voices. Jim stayed leaning back on his bed, PADD resting on his knees, focusing on the PADD and not the disturbance out in the corridor.
As the door to their room opened, he glanced up, face as neutral as he could make it.
His expression didn't stay as neutral as he would have wished as Bones walked into the room in his normal loping, casual style, but completely naked. Bare-assed naked.
Jim could see other cadets out in the hallway watching his roommate walk about, seemingly unconcerned with his state of undress. His hair was still soaked and water droplets running down his body, his very well toned body which he hid daily under the regulation clothes they all had to wear now. The door closed on the curious and Bones walked over to his drawers and pulled out a new towel.
Not a word was spoken between them. Bones continued to ignore him while he dried himself off, then once it was completed to his satisfaction he pulled on some underwear. Bones hung his towel up to dry and slipped into his bed before reaching for his own PADD.
They both studied in silence. Eventually, Bones put down the PADD and settled in for sleep. Jim took the hint and put his own down, undressed and got under his covers.
As the lights were turned off, Bones turned on his side, his back to Jim.
"I better find my clothes, laundered and back where they belong tomorrow," Bones said. "That was my favorite towel too."
Jim didn't respond, but he was making sure to keep his mouth shut and not show his astonishment at Bones’ overall response. His roommates' complete comfort in his nakedness almost turned this one back in Bones' favor and made Jim wonder what Bones would retaliate with.
-- 5 --
Leonard retaliated with a little bit of help from some of his fellow medical track cadets.
Jim was out attempting to chase that fine piece of fierceness named Uhura and normally Leonard would love to sit back and watch Jim get his ass handed to him, but this time it was out of his line of sight. Jim had tracked her down to the Xenolinguistic club and had joined up himself. Tonight was one of their first social gatherings and Jim had taken extra care in order to look his best. It had greatly amused Leonard to watch Jim fuss but he himself had his own plans for the night.
It was nice to finally be getting back into civvies and hanging out and relaxing with his fellows, even if most of them wouldn't be able to find an Andorian's second antenna with both hands, let alone their find own ass.
He leaned back in contemplation of the bar before him. Some of the cadets would make adequate medical staff and some would be downright useless, but hopefully weeded out before the end of this first year. He heard, above the beat of the music being blasted at a level just shy of ear splitting, the words "Kirk" and "foaming" which was then closely followed by "buck naked".
He turned toward the voices to find Jenks and Cameron, two of the better cadets pointing in his direction. He raised an eyebrow at them, then raised his bottle of beer before bringing it back and taking a long pull. It was the end of semester, with no curfew for once, so he was making the most of the freedom.
"We hear tell you and that cocky roommate of yours have a little prank war going on." Jenks seemed to be the one nominated to break the ice.
Leonard looked at both of them with an assessing gaze. "Possibly," he admitted before he took another swig of the beer.
"Did you really walk buck naked three times around Tucker Hall after he stole your clothes?" Cameron seemed a little eager to ask that question.
"Nope," Leonard replied.
At the deflated "oh" from Cameron, an idea started to form in his head.
"Just from the showers back to the room is all. Don't think Jim quite expected that. Probably thought I was gonna go all Southern belle on him and get missish." Leonard noted the slight perk up from Jenks at the mention of ‘Southern belle’. She had a good hint of Kentucky in her own drawl and Leonard remembered the scuttlebutt that she was a bit of a computer whizz and up for a bit of a dare.
"Say, Jenks, can you call a number and have them not able to trace it back to you?" he asked.
"Sure, I can set up a simple re-router, as long as the calls aren't too long in duration. The longer you are on, the more likely they might be able to track it back, if they were a certified computer genius and had a Decius F-10 and a Halo tracer at their disposal," she replied.
Leonard pulled his phone out of his back pocket and tossed it on the table. "Can you make it seem that phone has a new number now?"
"What you got planned?" Jenks asked, a sly smile turning up the edges of her mouth.
"Well, I had a few things planned for that cocky little roommate of mine, but with all these people here tonight, I reckon they might be able to help me out with the next stage of our war." Leonard smiled at her and leaned his elbows on the slightly sticky table.
"How so?" Cameron piped up from beside him.
"Just a little bit of harmless fun. We call him, ask for someone else, say an 'Elroy Jennings' and ask to leave a message. First couple of times he should say we have the wrong number but then he will keep getting the calls every couple of minutes or so. Can't call him too often though, 'cause he will then just be contrary and not answer after a while. Even better if we start quoting his number at him.” Leonard noted the small nods they were both giving as he laid out the plan.
“Then at the end of the night place one more call, say we are 'Elroy Jennings' and do they have any messages for us. Simple but annoying. I think a few people in here might like to annoy one James T. Kirk, don't you?" Leonard looked at both their wide smiles and knew they were in.
Cameron picked up his phone, tossed it at Jenks and slid out of the booth. "You fix that up and I'll go round up some volunteers, voices he probably won't recognize too easily. Might have to make some calls from outside and some from in here too, just to mix things up."
Leonard saluted her with his beer bottle and sat back in the well worn booth seat to enjoy the show which was about to start. "I knew I liked you two. You both weren't that incompetent during the Traxian sim like the rest of them."
"I do declare, Leonard, that just might have been a compliment out of your mouth? Will wonders never cease?" Jenks laid on her accent a bit thicker and batted her eyelashes at him.
He chuckled deeply at her act. "Maybe, but don't expect it too often."
She smiled and went to work on his phone.
With so many people involved he knew word would eventually get back to Jim that he had been behind it, but their pranks were really not about hiding from each other in the end. He thought the news would probably find its way to Jim's ears, even as soon as tomorrow. Medical staff were notorious gossips and with the number of people involved tonight, there was no way it was going to be kept quiet. Everyone seemed to be having great fun with such a simple thing as just calling, asking for the wrong person but quoting the right number at them.
As it neared 2 AM, Leonard decided it was his turn. He bid farewell to the others, thanked Jenks for her assistance with a kiss on her cheek and discovered that when she had a few, she got a little handsy. They made a time for him to meet up with her tomorrow and adjust his phone back to normal. She was a fine looking woman and clever to boot but he wasn't inclined to piss in his own pond at the moment, maybe.
He walked slowly and carefully back toward the Academy, pulling his collar up tight around his neck. The famous San Francisco fog seemed to be settling in nicely, giving everything a misty quality as he walked. He pulled out his phone to make the final call. Dropping his voice a few octaves and installing more of a drawl than normal, he announced to Jim, when he grumpily answered the call, that he was 'Elroy Jennings' and asked if there were any messages for himself? The groan from Jim had him smiling like his Great Aunt Enid when she got her hands on a juicy piece of gossip which no one else had heard of yet.
"Look, man, I don't know what is up, but my name is Jim and I'm a cadet at Starfleet. This isn't an answering service. Maybe you might want to check the number of your service?" Leonard could tell there was a little bit of petulant frustration in Jim's voice, he had to hold back his desire to laugh while he apologized with as many down home boy-isms as he could muster and then hang up.
The sight of Jim, arm across his eyes and not asleep when he entered their room had him smiling.
"Bad night, Jim?" he asked.
"Don't start, Bones," Jim mumbled. "Some idiot gave out my number as his personal answering service. Every damn time I got close to Uhura it would ring. It was like they all had a sixth sense. I got cock-blocked by a phone!"
"Jim, I am damn sure if the phone hadn't rung, you still would have gotten cock-blocked," Leonard announced as he pulled off his boots. The thud on the floor when they landed made both of them wince.
"You doubt me?" Jim was now sitting up and facing him.
"Nope, just watched that fine Miss Uhura deal with you before."
Jim waved one hand in the air. "Whatever. What about you? There’s a smile on your face. Don't tell me you got some?"
"Unlike you Jim, I don't kiss and tell." Leonard pulled his phone out of his back pocket and tossed it in the air before re-catching it and putting it off to the side.
"Just kisses, Bones? I'm disappointed." Jim was now leaning forward, his chin resting in his hands.
"Kid, you ain't been doing things right if you call them 'just kisses'. Now I might have a date tomorrow with a nice, devious little lady about a phone, so I need my beauty sleep. Get your ass back in that bed and shut your mouth so I can sleep."
Leonard pulled off his jeans, letting them just drop to the floor. He left his vest on and slid into the cool sheets before telling the lights to turn off, a smile on his face as he drifted off to sleep, pointedly ignoring Jim.
-- 6 --
"Jim!" Leonard yelled as he stomped down the corridor of the barracks.
Doors opened behind him and heads poked out to see what was going on. The curious had come out to watch the entertainment.
"Jim!" Leonard yelled again as he reached his own door. He bashed in the entry code. His fingers were not gentle and if the wall could feel, it would be feeling Leonard's displeasure quite strongly. The door opened quickly and he stalked into his shared dorm room.
The curious had to walk out of their rooms and clustered around the now closed door, in order to find out why the doctor was angrier than normal.
What they couldn't see was the pursed lips and angry glare on the doctor's face as he took in the nonchalant attitude of his room mate. His roommate who was fussing with his hair as he looked at his reflection in the mirror.
"What's up, Bones?" Jim asked, smiling at the glare he was receiving.
"Going somewhere, Jim?" Leonard responded.
"Yep, got a Xenolinguistic club meeting. I'm angling for treasurer at the next election, can't be tardy."
"Too bad. You ain't going nowhere," Leonard announced, arms folded across his chest which brought his PADD up to the notice of Jim.
"You gonna stop me?" Jim asked, one of his heavy eyebrows lifting in curiosity at the anger emanating from his friend. Jim leaned back against the small bench under the mirror, resting a hip on it as he crossed his own arms.
"Kid, I know you think you know all about fighting, but just you remember I got me a whole lot of medical training which can do you a world of harm. Hippocrates can just go take a long walk off a short pier." Leonard tossed his PADD toward Jim who caught it, a considering look on his face as he continued to watch Leonard. "Now if you want to be sharing a room with some young, stupid idiot next year, you go right ahead and not fix what you did to my PADD. But if you want to keep this little arrangement going, I need to pass my classes, fix the Goddamn PADD so it doesn't keep asking me ‘What The Fuck Would Jim Do’!"
Jim laughed. "Bones, I can fix it when I get back."
"No, you’ll fix it, now! I need to send my paper off and the stupid electronic dingbat of a piece of machinery won't do so 'cause you told it not to!"
"I did not!" Jim pouted.
"Oh so help me God! If I say it won't send, it won't send. Now, fix it," Leonard hissed at Jim. As he spoke he had stalked across the room to stand toe to toe with Jim.
Jim furrowed his brow in confusion and looked at the PADD.
"Aw shit," Jim said as he cycled through the menu. "Sorry, Bones it was only supposed to show up on some minor commands, but this communique you got here had a virus attached to it which put a bit of a bug in the system."
Jim moved away from Leonard to sit at his desk and started tapping commands into the PADD.
"I'll boost up your firewall. You would think Starfleet would have better protection," Jim complained as he worked.
Leonard stood in silence, Jim was honestly apologetic and he was fixing the problem. His anger, like always, which was quick to flare, had dropped away. It left him with the knowledge that there was more to Jim than most saw on first glance.
Jim handed the PADD back. "There, should be all okay now. Wanna try and send the paper?"
Leonard took his PADD and cycled to his saved messages. No longer did the PADD ask him at certain commands, "WWJD?". He checked that the paper was attached correctly and sent it.
"Sorry Bones, won't happen again," Jim said as he stepped past him, slapping him on the shoulder on his way to the door. "Catch you later."
"Damn straight it won't," Leonard muttered toward the now closed door. "Just you wait, James Tiberius Kirk. The next one is going to be good."
-- 7 --
Leonard bided his time. He let it go until he had the perfect opportunity--which came at the end of their first year.
Both of them had worked hard with a bigger load than most other cadets. Jim was determined to finish in three years and while Leonard had originally thought he was insane, he quickly discovered it wasn't the case. He himself wasn't one to sit around idly either, and if Jim was going to do it in three, then Bones was determined to match him. He had an advantage in already being a doctor, which gave him a chance to concentrate more on the command track.
They were one of the few cadets left in the Academy over the break. Leonard had a little time before he was returning to Georgia to see his daughter, he didn't think of it as home anymore. He wasn't quite sure where that was now. Starfleet gave him some respectability with the court, even if his ex didn't seem to think so.
Jim hadn't said anything but Leonard got the feeling his situation was similar, minus the ex and the kid.
They’d planned a nice dinner with just the two of them in the room. No hospital, no classes, and a little surprise for Jim. Leonard knew it would be trouble to leave that brain of Jim Kirk's to plan while he was away, but it was too good an opportunity to leave alone.
Dinner was being eaten, takeaway from one of their favorite places and to top it off, a nice bottle of red. Their little present to each other. Spirits and beer were all well and good but there was a time and a place for a fine wine. It would be a shame to taint it with the dye, but really, Jim had it coming.
When Jim left to relieve himself after the meal, Leonard took the opportunity he had been waiting for, and placed a few drops of Rifampin into Jim's half full glass.
When Jim came back, they laughed and reminisced about their first year and Leonard made sure to nurse his wine. He took the opportunity to savor the fine Cabernet Sauvignon from Chateau Montelena. They had bought it when they took themselves off to the Napa Valley for a little weekend leave during the last semester, on one of their few available break times. Jim had really liked the winery, had spent a long time in the old building made to look a bit like a castle. Bones had laughed and finally dragged him away to taste some wine and expand his horizons.
Just as Leonard expected, Jim needed to go to the toilet again. The man could drink but once the seal was broken, the seal was broken good.
This time Leonard joined him, knowing there would be a reaction. There was teasing about Leonard being a girl and having to go to the toilet with someone else. It was still a mystery to the both of them as to why females needed to do that. It wasn't confined to humans either, other females of different species seemed to have the same need to go to the toilet together. Such was their conversation as they stood at their separate urinals and Leonard waited for the reaction.
"Fuck!"
Yep, there it was.
"Hmm, Jim?" Leonard calmly asked.
"Um, my, um," Jim was waving toward the urinal as he spoke.
Leonard calmly leaned over to see what Jim was waving at.
"Yes, it isn't supposed to be that color," Leonard informed him before straightening up and calmly looking ahead.
"Bones, I'm pissing blood!" Jim said in horror, as he twitched up and down on his feet.
"No you ain't," Leonard replied.
"It's red! It's blood! You are a crap doctor!" Jim was getting more agitated with each statement.
"I'm a damn fine doctor, it isn't blood and yep it is red. I expected it to be red," Leonard said as he shook himself off and stepped away from his own urinal, tucking himself back into his pants.
He walked over to the basins as he watched Jim's expression in the mirror. Jim had twisted his head to watch him, realization slowly dawning.
"You fucker! What did you do?" Jim accused.
"Just a little something in the wine, a safe biological stain, and boy was it a temptation to not put anything in there. It’s a damn fine wine and I did feel mighty sad tainting it. I only put a few drops in, you will be fine. It will clear up by morning."
Jim had finally finished pissing red and had flushed away the reminder of Leonard messing with his bodily function. He was contemplating Leonard as he finished tucking himself away.
"You know we could finish this here and now. Call an end to it. We are even, call it a draw," Leonard offered.
"You are a devious asshole. I don't do draws," Jim announced as he walked across the room.
"Well that's something you might need to work on," Leonard said as he watched Jim wash his hands.
Jim's eyes met his in the mirror.
"You don't do them either, do you?" Jim asked.
"Nope," Leonard replied as he stepped away and headed toward the door, watching over his shoulder for Jim’s reaction.
"Man, this oughta prove interesting then," Jim said as he smiled and followed Leonard.
***
Second year this way
Beta: dizilla and aquila_star
Rating: R
Word Count: 4,631 (overall 23,000)
Pairings/Characters: Kirk, McCoy, OFCs, OMCs, McCoy/OFC (hinted)
Warnings: bad language, innuendo, public nudity and a whole lot of pranks going on
Disclaimer: Not mine, dammit!
Summary:
The legendary and epic prank war of 2255-2256 by cadets Kirk and McCoy.
Leonard might not have started it, but he was damn sure gonna finish it.
A/N: A very long time ago I started on this fic, based off a prompt on the Kink meme about the idea of Kirk and McCoy pranking each other while at the Academy here. I didn’t use the two suggested pranks, but it is canon that McCoy was a very good prankster while at Ole Miss.
This will be posted regularly over the next three weeks. I hope you enjoy!
Also posted at AO3
Leonard should have expected it.
He had already spent most of his youth in college and was well versed in pranking, more often being the giver than the receiver. Jim was a newbie to college life, even if this was a Military Academy and not a University, so there were a few more rules and regulations, but there had always been a hint of mischief in Jim’s eyes that should have warned Leonard well and good.
Leonard might not have started it, but he was damn sure gonna finish it.
-- 1 --
By the seventeenth message left on his PADD and the fourth call in two days, Leonard’s temper was well and truly riled.
Leonard gritted his teeth as he listened to the request. His tone could only be described as terse as he replied to the anonymous person on the end of the line.
"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer! You have called the wrong number, ma'am."
Leonard glanced over at Jim, who had stopped to wait when Leonard took the call as they were walking from Archer to Tucker Hall.
He took in Jim's attempt at affecting an innocent expression.
"Damn it, Jim. You’ll get yours."
With that, Leonard was striding away to his next class, already planning his revenge.
-- 2 --
Leonard had tracked down all the ads which Jim had placed. A little turnabout was his plan, but it hadn't worked quite as he intended.
"Kirk's Plumbing, where we will service your pipes all hours of the day and night!" Jim announced happily when he answered his PADD.
How was he to know Jim had worked as an apprentice plumber during his misspent youth?
Leonard just glared at the unrepentant grin on Jim's face.
There was one plus though, Jim had been generous at the bar lately with his new-found earnings.
A failed prank was still a failed prank, so Leonard turned his mind to winning the next round. Jim might have turned the tables on him, but from what he knew of his new roommate so far, Jim didn't like to concede. In this, they were well matched.
-- 3 --
It was a few weeks later before he unleashed his next prank.
His Xenobio Professor was always eager to finish her classes a little early on Fridays, while Jim's Advanced Tactics course always ran over time, well into the lunch hour. Leonard hadn’t heard Jim complain about the overrun like he had for a couple of other classes and it made him suspect it was Jim’s fault, with all the questioning he was likely doing. Leonard made sure he got to the Mess Hall early that day and swiped a salt shaker off the table, before heading to the nearest restroom to make the necessary adjustments undisturbed.
He placed the salt shaker carefully into his case and headed back into the Mess Hall, making sure to keep away from others so they couldn't jostle him. He picked up lunch for himself and Jim and headed back to their table, both trays balanced carefully, one in each hand, ambidextrous ability a useful side effect from his surgical training.
It should have been strange that people already had their own little tables picked out. No one would sit at a table different from what was now their ‘normal’ preferred spot. All of the cadets seemed to know each other’s preferences, it was just one of those little clique things which seemed to happen when people spend a lot of time in each others pockets.
He put the trays down and carefully removed the case from under his arm, taking even more care at opening it than he had carrying it, in case the lemon juice and baking soda inside had already started to combine. The salt shaker was sitting in there benignly so he carefully took it out, closed the case and placed the it on the table before sitting down and waiting for Jim to arrive.
"Bones!" Jim exclaimed as he slapped him on the shoulder a few minutes later. "Potatoes? Good man! Although this serving looks a little stingy, might have to go back for seconds."
Jim slid into the chair next to him and picked up the salt shaker. Leonard ignored the new nickname and surreptitiously angled his tray away from Jim.
"Don't you always, Jim?" Leonard murmured as he watched Jim give one normal shake and when that didn't work, he put more arm work into it.
On the third shake, the top exploded off the salt shaker and a shower of foam coated Jim's meal and most of his cadet reds.
At the look of consternation on Jim's face, Leonard smiled.
"Well, Jim-Boy, I think you were right. Seconds is definitely in the cards." Leonard speared a piece of carrot and popped it into his mouth, resolutely ignoring the raised chatter around them, taking satisfaction in the crunch the carrot made as he chewed.
Jim's natural disposition took over and he grinned.
"Good one, Bones. Score two to you." Jim picked up his tray and, ignoring the wet patches on his uniform, heading over to dispose of the still foaming food and salt shaker.
Leonard smiled in response to Jim conceding the prank and how he was responding to the game. From the few months they had lived together, Leonard had learned that Jim’s natural disposition was a fairly happy one and he wasn’t quite what others thought of him. Leonard knew that Jim would come back with a good response, so he was prepared to be on his guard.
-- 4 --
It was over a month since the foam incident and Bones, while seemingly not entirely complacent, had dropped his guard enough for Jim to observe and strike back.
Their barracks had a shared bathroom facility, the joys of being first year cadets, and Bones was fond of showering at night, while Jim was more a morning person.
While Bones was showering, Jim snuck into the room and removed his clothes. It took a couple of trips and some careful planning and watching to ensure he was unobserved. The hardest part was stealing his towel. Luckily Bones had had a hard shift and was taking his time under the hot water, which was steaming up the room nicely to assist Jim. He couldn't hide the clothes back in their room, as Bones would be able to find them, so he had to think of an alternative where Bones wouldn’t. There was a room in the basement which had pipes running along the ceiling and was just too perfect for his plan. Over the top of them the clothes went and Jim rushed back to their room to wait for the fireworks.
First there was the whooshing of other cadets’ doors opening and not closing, and then the raised chatter of voices. Jim stayed leaning back on his bed, PADD resting on his knees, focusing on the PADD and not the disturbance out in the corridor.
As the door to their room opened, he glanced up, face as neutral as he could make it.
His expression didn't stay as neutral as he would have wished as Bones walked into the room in his normal loping, casual style, but completely naked. Bare-assed naked.
Jim could see other cadets out in the hallway watching his roommate walk about, seemingly unconcerned with his state of undress. His hair was still soaked and water droplets running down his body, his very well toned body which he hid daily under the regulation clothes they all had to wear now. The door closed on the curious and Bones walked over to his drawers and pulled out a new towel.
Not a word was spoken between them. Bones continued to ignore him while he dried himself off, then once it was completed to his satisfaction he pulled on some underwear. Bones hung his towel up to dry and slipped into his bed before reaching for his own PADD.
They both studied in silence. Eventually, Bones put down the PADD and settled in for sleep. Jim took the hint and put his own down, undressed and got under his covers.
As the lights were turned off, Bones turned on his side, his back to Jim.
"I better find my clothes, laundered and back where they belong tomorrow," Bones said. "That was my favorite towel too."
Jim didn't respond, but he was making sure to keep his mouth shut and not show his astonishment at Bones’ overall response. His roommates' complete comfort in his nakedness almost turned this one back in Bones' favor and made Jim wonder what Bones would retaliate with.
-- 5 --
Leonard retaliated with a little bit of help from some of his fellow medical track cadets.
Jim was out attempting to chase that fine piece of fierceness named Uhura and normally Leonard would love to sit back and watch Jim get his ass handed to him, but this time it was out of his line of sight. Jim had tracked her down to the Xenolinguistic club and had joined up himself. Tonight was one of their first social gatherings and Jim had taken extra care in order to look his best. It had greatly amused Leonard to watch Jim fuss but he himself had his own plans for the night.
It was nice to finally be getting back into civvies and hanging out and relaxing with his fellows, even if most of them wouldn't be able to find an Andorian's second antenna with both hands, let alone their find own ass.
He leaned back in contemplation of the bar before him. Some of the cadets would make adequate medical staff and some would be downright useless, but hopefully weeded out before the end of this first year. He heard, above the beat of the music being blasted at a level just shy of ear splitting, the words "Kirk" and "foaming" which was then closely followed by "buck naked".
He turned toward the voices to find Jenks and Cameron, two of the better cadets pointing in his direction. He raised an eyebrow at them, then raised his bottle of beer before bringing it back and taking a long pull. It was the end of semester, with no curfew for once, so he was making the most of the freedom.
"We hear tell you and that cocky roommate of yours have a little prank war going on." Jenks seemed to be the one nominated to break the ice.
Leonard looked at both of them with an assessing gaze. "Possibly," he admitted before he took another swig of the beer.
"Did you really walk buck naked three times around Tucker Hall after he stole your clothes?" Cameron seemed a little eager to ask that question.
"Nope," Leonard replied.
At the deflated "oh" from Cameron, an idea started to form in his head.
"Just from the showers back to the room is all. Don't think Jim quite expected that. Probably thought I was gonna go all Southern belle on him and get missish." Leonard noted the slight perk up from Jenks at the mention of ‘Southern belle’. She had a good hint of Kentucky in her own drawl and Leonard remembered the scuttlebutt that she was a bit of a computer whizz and up for a bit of a dare.
"Say, Jenks, can you call a number and have them not able to trace it back to you?" he asked.
"Sure, I can set up a simple re-router, as long as the calls aren't too long in duration. The longer you are on, the more likely they might be able to track it back, if they were a certified computer genius and had a Decius F-10 and a Halo tracer at their disposal," she replied.
Leonard pulled his phone out of his back pocket and tossed it on the table. "Can you make it seem that phone has a new number now?"
"What you got planned?" Jenks asked, a sly smile turning up the edges of her mouth.
"Well, I had a few things planned for that cocky little roommate of mine, but with all these people here tonight, I reckon they might be able to help me out with the next stage of our war." Leonard smiled at her and leaned his elbows on the slightly sticky table.
"How so?" Cameron piped up from beside him.
"Just a little bit of harmless fun. We call him, ask for someone else, say an 'Elroy Jennings' and ask to leave a message. First couple of times he should say we have the wrong number but then he will keep getting the calls every couple of minutes or so. Can't call him too often though, 'cause he will then just be contrary and not answer after a while. Even better if we start quoting his number at him.” Leonard noted the small nods they were both giving as he laid out the plan.
“Then at the end of the night place one more call, say we are 'Elroy Jennings' and do they have any messages for us. Simple but annoying. I think a few people in here might like to annoy one James T. Kirk, don't you?" Leonard looked at both their wide smiles and knew they were in.
Cameron picked up his phone, tossed it at Jenks and slid out of the booth. "You fix that up and I'll go round up some volunteers, voices he probably won't recognize too easily. Might have to make some calls from outside and some from in here too, just to mix things up."
Leonard saluted her with his beer bottle and sat back in the well worn booth seat to enjoy the show which was about to start. "I knew I liked you two. You both weren't that incompetent during the Traxian sim like the rest of them."
"I do declare, Leonard, that just might have been a compliment out of your mouth? Will wonders never cease?" Jenks laid on her accent a bit thicker and batted her eyelashes at him.
He chuckled deeply at her act. "Maybe, but don't expect it too often."
She smiled and went to work on his phone.
With so many people involved he knew word would eventually get back to Jim that he had been behind it, but their pranks were really not about hiding from each other in the end. He thought the news would probably find its way to Jim's ears, even as soon as tomorrow. Medical staff were notorious gossips and with the number of people involved tonight, there was no way it was going to be kept quiet. Everyone seemed to be having great fun with such a simple thing as just calling, asking for the wrong person but quoting the right number at them.
As it neared 2 AM, Leonard decided it was his turn. He bid farewell to the others, thanked Jenks for her assistance with a kiss on her cheek and discovered that when she had a few, she got a little handsy. They made a time for him to meet up with her tomorrow and adjust his phone back to normal. She was a fine looking woman and clever to boot but he wasn't inclined to piss in his own pond at the moment, maybe.
He walked slowly and carefully back toward the Academy, pulling his collar up tight around his neck. The famous San Francisco fog seemed to be settling in nicely, giving everything a misty quality as he walked. He pulled out his phone to make the final call. Dropping his voice a few octaves and installing more of a drawl than normal, he announced to Jim, when he grumpily answered the call, that he was 'Elroy Jennings' and asked if there were any messages for himself? The groan from Jim had him smiling like his Great Aunt Enid when she got her hands on a juicy piece of gossip which no one else had heard of yet.
"Look, man, I don't know what is up, but my name is Jim and I'm a cadet at Starfleet. This isn't an answering service. Maybe you might want to check the number of your service?" Leonard could tell there was a little bit of petulant frustration in Jim's voice, he had to hold back his desire to laugh while he apologized with as many down home boy-isms as he could muster and then hang up.
The sight of Jim, arm across his eyes and not asleep when he entered their room had him smiling.
"Bad night, Jim?" he asked.
"Don't start, Bones," Jim mumbled. "Some idiot gave out my number as his personal answering service. Every damn time I got close to Uhura it would ring. It was like they all had a sixth sense. I got cock-blocked by a phone!"
"Jim, I am damn sure if the phone hadn't rung, you still would have gotten cock-blocked," Leonard announced as he pulled off his boots. The thud on the floor when they landed made both of them wince.
"You doubt me?" Jim was now sitting up and facing him.
"Nope, just watched that fine Miss Uhura deal with you before."
Jim waved one hand in the air. "Whatever. What about you? There’s a smile on your face. Don't tell me you got some?"
"Unlike you Jim, I don't kiss and tell." Leonard pulled his phone out of his back pocket and tossed it in the air before re-catching it and putting it off to the side.
"Just kisses, Bones? I'm disappointed." Jim was now leaning forward, his chin resting in his hands.
"Kid, you ain't been doing things right if you call them 'just kisses'. Now I might have a date tomorrow with a nice, devious little lady about a phone, so I need my beauty sleep. Get your ass back in that bed and shut your mouth so I can sleep."
Leonard pulled off his jeans, letting them just drop to the floor. He left his vest on and slid into the cool sheets before telling the lights to turn off, a smile on his face as he drifted off to sleep, pointedly ignoring Jim.
-- 6 --
"Jim!" Leonard yelled as he stomped down the corridor of the barracks.
Doors opened behind him and heads poked out to see what was going on. The curious had come out to watch the entertainment.
"Jim!" Leonard yelled again as he reached his own door. He bashed in the entry code. His fingers were not gentle and if the wall could feel, it would be feeling Leonard's displeasure quite strongly. The door opened quickly and he stalked into his shared dorm room.
The curious had to walk out of their rooms and clustered around the now closed door, in order to find out why the doctor was angrier than normal.
What they couldn't see was the pursed lips and angry glare on the doctor's face as he took in the nonchalant attitude of his room mate. His roommate who was fussing with his hair as he looked at his reflection in the mirror.
"What's up, Bones?" Jim asked, smiling at the glare he was receiving.
"Going somewhere, Jim?" Leonard responded.
"Yep, got a Xenolinguistic club meeting. I'm angling for treasurer at the next election, can't be tardy."
"Too bad. You ain't going nowhere," Leonard announced, arms folded across his chest which brought his PADD up to the notice of Jim.
"You gonna stop me?" Jim asked, one of his heavy eyebrows lifting in curiosity at the anger emanating from his friend. Jim leaned back against the small bench under the mirror, resting a hip on it as he crossed his own arms.
"Kid, I know you think you know all about fighting, but just you remember I got me a whole lot of medical training which can do you a world of harm. Hippocrates can just go take a long walk off a short pier." Leonard tossed his PADD toward Jim who caught it, a considering look on his face as he continued to watch Leonard. "Now if you want to be sharing a room with some young, stupid idiot next year, you go right ahead and not fix what you did to my PADD. But if you want to keep this little arrangement going, I need to pass my classes, fix the Goddamn PADD so it doesn't keep asking me ‘What The Fuck Would Jim Do’!"
Jim laughed. "Bones, I can fix it when I get back."
"No, you’ll fix it, now! I need to send my paper off and the stupid electronic dingbat of a piece of machinery won't do so 'cause you told it not to!"
"I did not!" Jim pouted.
"Oh so help me God! If I say it won't send, it won't send. Now, fix it," Leonard hissed at Jim. As he spoke he had stalked across the room to stand toe to toe with Jim.
Jim furrowed his brow in confusion and looked at the PADD.
"Aw shit," Jim said as he cycled through the menu. "Sorry, Bones it was only supposed to show up on some minor commands, but this communique you got here had a virus attached to it which put a bit of a bug in the system."
Jim moved away from Leonard to sit at his desk and started tapping commands into the PADD.
"I'll boost up your firewall. You would think Starfleet would have better protection," Jim complained as he worked.
Leonard stood in silence, Jim was honestly apologetic and he was fixing the problem. His anger, like always, which was quick to flare, had dropped away. It left him with the knowledge that there was more to Jim than most saw on first glance.
Jim handed the PADD back. "There, should be all okay now. Wanna try and send the paper?"
Leonard took his PADD and cycled to his saved messages. No longer did the PADD ask him at certain commands, "WWJD?". He checked that the paper was attached correctly and sent it.
"Sorry Bones, won't happen again," Jim said as he stepped past him, slapping him on the shoulder on his way to the door. "Catch you later."
"Damn straight it won't," Leonard muttered toward the now closed door. "Just you wait, James Tiberius Kirk. The next one is going to be good."
-- 7 --
Leonard bided his time. He let it go until he had the perfect opportunity--which came at the end of their first year.
Both of them had worked hard with a bigger load than most other cadets. Jim was determined to finish in three years and while Leonard had originally thought he was insane, he quickly discovered it wasn't the case. He himself wasn't one to sit around idly either, and if Jim was going to do it in three, then Bones was determined to match him. He had an advantage in already being a doctor, which gave him a chance to concentrate more on the command track.
They were one of the few cadets left in the Academy over the break. Leonard had a little time before he was returning to Georgia to see his daughter, he didn't think of it as home anymore. He wasn't quite sure where that was now. Starfleet gave him some respectability with the court, even if his ex didn't seem to think so.
Jim hadn't said anything but Leonard got the feeling his situation was similar, minus the ex and the kid.
They’d planned a nice dinner with just the two of them in the room. No hospital, no classes, and a little surprise for Jim. Leonard knew it would be trouble to leave that brain of Jim Kirk's to plan while he was away, but it was too good an opportunity to leave alone.
Dinner was being eaten, takeaway from one of their favorite places and to top it off, a nice bottle of red. Their little present to each other. Spirits and beer were all well and good but there was a time and a place for a fine wine. It would be a shame to taint it with the dye, but really, Jim had it coming.
When Jim left to relieve himself after the meal, Leonard took the opportunity he had been waiting for, and placed a few drops of Rifampin into Jim's half full glass.
When Jim came back, they laughed and reminisced about their first year and Leonard made sure to nurse his wine. He took the opportunity to savor the fine Cabernet Sauvignon from Chateau Montelena. They had bought it when they took themselves off to the Napa Valley for a little weekend leave during the last semester, on one of their few available break times. Jim had really liked the winery, had spent a long time in the old building made to look a bit like a castle. Bones had laughed and finally dragged him away to taste some wine and expand his horizons.
Just as Leonard expected, Jim needed to go to the toilet again. The man could drink but once the seal was broken, the seal was broken good.
This time Leonard joined him, knowing there would be a reaction. There was teasing about Leonard being a girl and having to go to the toilet with someone else. It was still a mystery to the both of them as to why females needed to do that. It wasn't confined to humans either, other females of different species seemed to have the same need to go to the toilet together. Such was their conversation as they stood at their separate urinals and Leonard waited for the reaction.
"Fuck!"
Yep, there it was.
"Hmm, Jim?" Leonard calmly asked.
"Um, my, um," Jim was waving toward the urinal as he spoke.
Leonard calmly leaned over to see what Jim was waving at.
"Yes, it isn't supposed to be that color," Leonard informed him before straightening up and calmly looking ahead.
"Bones, I'm pissing blood!" Jim said in horror, as he twitched up and down on his feet.
"No you ain't," Leonard replied.
"It's red! It's blood! You are a crap doctor!" Jim was getting more agitated with each statement.
"I'm a damn fine doctor, it isn't blood and yep it is red. I expected it to be red," Leonard said as he shook himself off and stepped away from his own urinal, tucking himself back into his pants.
He walked over to the basins as he watched Jim's expression in the mirror. Jim had twisted his head to watch him, realization slowly dawning.
"You fucker! What did you do?" Jim accused.
"Just a little something in the wine, a safe biological stain, and boy was it a temptation to not put anything in there. It’s a damn fine wine and I did feel mighty sad tainting it. I only put a few drops in, you will be fine. It will clear up by morning."
Jim had finally finished pissing red and had flushed away the reminder of Leonard messing with his bodily function. He was contemplating Leonard as he finished tucking himself away.
"You know we could finish this here and now. Call an end to it. We are even, call it a draw," Leonard offered.
"You are a devious asshole. I don't do draws," Jim announced as he walked across the room.
"Well that's something you might need to work on," Leonard said as he watched Jim wash his hands.
Jim's eyes met his in the mirror.
"You don't do them either, do you?" Jim asked.
"Nope," Leonard replied as he stepped away and headed toward the door, watching over his shoulder for Jim’s reaction.
"Man, this oughta prove interesting then," Jim said as he smiled and followed Leonard.
***
Second year this way