Thirtieth Rebirth [video]

[neverquitedies]

[The camera flickers on and finds Yuca, once again, sitting peacefully in his garden, an arm wrapped around his knees. He's got cuts and bruises here and there from his fight with Merlin, but for the most part, he still looks pretty okay. The flowers are just starting to bloom, and his fingers barely brush against one, as if he isn't sure of the

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[law_of_reason]

[Long silence. Almost like he forgot he started a recording, or that it triggered by accident.

Though in the end he only speaks up because he's annoyed with his own hesitance.]

Still taking care of your flowers?

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[law_of_reason]

It was overwhelming, but in a different way. This... you felt what I did, which is what I felt from you? Was that different from what you usually deal with, then?

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[neverquitedies]

I saw me through your eyes.

[He sighs.]

No- that's not right. I... I felt your reaction- your... [He struggles- should he call it fear?] ...your apprehension.

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[law_of_reason]

[Not really sure what he thinks about Yuca being aware of his experience; it wasn't something he'd given much thought. Even remembering the misery gives him pause, and Mayuri's somehow surprised that feeling the experience reflected would even be noticeable to Yuca.]

...And how was it?

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[neverquitedies]

[Another pause.]

...I don't know. It's not something I want to feel again, anytime soon, but- [He 'hm's for a few moments.] -it was frightening. I trembled at feeling myself.

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[law_of_reason]

So it's different, seeing it from the outside?

...I wonder how it doesn't spill over all the time, somehow.

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[neverquitedies]

Less of the fact that I was seeing myself, and more of your reaction to me, I think.

...How would it do that? I'm not- psychic or anything.

[Private || Unhackable]

[law_of_reason]

It wasn't pleasant.

I know. It's only - something like that didn't feel like anything that could be contained. Not by one person.

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[neverquitedies]

No, it wasn't.

[He sighs.] It's had a lot of time to build up, I suppose. There's too much of me.

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[law_of_reason]

[Of course, he had to pick up melancholia from Yuca, and not anything useful (like long-buried 'sympathy' or 'caring') from that wealth of experience.]

How do you make it? Through the day-to-day life?

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[neverquitedies]

[Of course. &hearts ]

I don't, sometimes. You know that.

[He grits his teeth.] My body won't stop living, my soul won't stop going, but all that time- all this emotion- it's impossible for me to die, it can only go on. [This is- surprisingly difficult to talk about.] ...I don't have a choice but to make it. Do you see?

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[law_of_reason]

I know. Or - no, I don't.

[Not having an easy time talking about it either, even without the constant weight of it closing in.]

I know you manage it, because you don't have any other choice. But I can't claim to understand it.

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[neverquitedies]

It's alright. I wouldn't want you to.

[There's a vague smile in his voice.]

I don't wish that sort of knowledge on anyone.

[Private || Unhackable]

[law_of_reason]

You don't? Though I suppose that even if someone experienced the same thing, it wouldn't matter.

[Private || Unhackable]

[neverquitedies]

...Well- I do. But not you, certainly. You don't deserve that.

[Whether that statement was derogatory or complimentary is totally up in the air.]

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[law_of_reason]

[Takes it as a positive, even if it isn't a compliment. Even if just the awareness that immortality exists disturbs him now.]

It's not a matter of deserving, it's a matter of what happens. There's no 'deserving'. And if someone experienced the same as you, what would it matter?