Series: So Far Exceeds Expression, chapter five
So Far Exceeds Expression, 5/5
(alternate title: Covered in Blood)
Doctor Who, Classic Series AU
Rating: PG-13 as a whole
(this chapter: a last bit of violence, swearing, and kissing. Vague discussions of sex. Illness. Small children.
As a whole: violence, PG rated slash, femslash, and het. Small children.)
Pairings and characters (this chapter): Three/Delgado!Master, slight Three/War Chief and War Chief/Narvin, Zoe/Jenny (OFC/historical personage), Jamie/OFC. A couple historical personages.
Wordcount (this chapter): about 9,000
Total wordcount for the series: about 32,000
Summary: The end! In which the Doctor and the Colonel sort their lives out, sort of.
A/N: The final part of my odd, historical fiction reimagining of the War Games. Credit for some of the dialogue in this chapter goes to Colonel Thomas Blood. Huge, tremendous, enormous thanks to my beta, birdsarecalling, who helped me with the ending and also this whole entire thing. It's done! Done! Ahahahahaha! Written for the best_enemies bigbang challenge.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four
Jamie and Zoe sat together in the Bloods' sitting room. The street sounds of bustling Westminster filtered through the curtained windows, but the air inside held a subdued quality that resisted the incursion.
"So," said Jamie, breaking the tense silence that had hung between them, "how's London?"
"Good," said Zoe. She smiled, faintly. "The firm is doing well enough. We've moved into a nicer area, and we're getting better accounts. It seems nearly a decade is almost enough time to build a reputation."
"What is it you girls do, anyway? I was never what you’d call clear on that," admitted Jamie.
"Miscellaneous services," said Zoe. "Accounting, debt collection, mechanism repair. I'm afraid my skill-set doesn't really translate into any particular job in this era, but I can do quite a lot of things. Jenny's good at filling in the gaps. I do miss the twenty-first century, but we're getting by."
"That's grand," said Jamie, nodding vaguely. "Just grand."
They lapsed into silence again for a few minutes.
"And how is Beth?" asked Zoe, having finally remembered Jamie's wife's name.
"She's fine," said Jamie, and sighed. "She'd have come, of course, but someone has to look after the business. The kids, as well."
"How old are they now? Three and one?"
"John's five, and Cecily's two." Jamie smiled for the first time all day. "I wish I had something that could take pictures, they're such fine kids."
"It's very odd, thinking of you with a wife and children," said Zoe. "A respectable businessman, with his stand at the fishmarket and a crew of men for his boats. I always half-expect to find that you've moved back to Scotland and taken up the sword again."
"Aye, well, it wouldn't be the right war in Scotland for years and years," said Jamie. "I'm happy as I am. I might go say hello to my father after he's born, but I can't think what else. Turns out being from the future isn't the big deal I thought it was."
They sat for a while longer, until one of the servants came in and showed them to the Colonel.
---
Maria Blood was a handsome woman, even at this stage of her life. Her hair was still red-blond, her back unbowed. The light from the candle, however, illuminated the worry in her face, and her delicate hands were white-knuckled where they wrapped around her husband's own hand. She looked up as Zoe and Jamie entered the bedroom.
"He's awake," she said. "I don't know if he knows what's happening, but he's awake."
"Oh, Colonel," said Zoe. She moved close to the bed, wringing her hands. "I'm so sorry."
"He looks very ill," said Jamie. He clasped Zoe's shoulder, trying to comfort her. "There's no chance he'll get better?"
"I don't think so," said Maria. "The doctors don't have any idea what to do, and Thomas never liked them anyway. Said they didn't know what they were about. Thomas," she called, "Thomas, Zoe and Jamie are here. Thomas?"
The Colonel stirred, shivering, his eyes staring wide, but didn't say a word. Maria sighed.
"We tried to call in the children, but it's difficult. Most of them are out of the country, or unable to come home, all except for Holcroft." She looked back, out of the pool of candlelight, and a man detached himself from the wall.
"Holcroft Blood," he said, holding out his hand to Jamie, and then Zoe. "The youngest son, much to my loss."
He took after Maria in most respects, from hair color to bearing. But there was a gleam in his eye that owed much to the Colonel.
"Hello," said Zoe. "I've heard so much-"
"Please don't try to be polite," said Holcroft. "I know Father didn't actually say anything about me. He never did have much use for any of us except Tom."
"Don't talk about your father like that," scolded Maria. "Have some respect."
"Like he'd care," said Holcroft. He crossed his arms and looked away, ignoring the sick body on the bed.
"He tried to do right by you," said Maria. She gripped the Colonel's hand tighter. "He got you that appointment with the government."
"He took an interest once he realized he was stuck here," corrected Holcroft. "I doubt he'd have even said goodbye if his Doctor hadn't been caught."
Zoe shifted uncomfortably, and Jamie stepped back a pace, preparing to leave if need be. Holcroft preempted him by simply walking out, pulling the door quietly shut behind him.
"Holcroft," said Maria, too softly and too late. She sighed. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to deal with that. Thomas just wanted to see you two before the end."
"We understand," said Jamie, trying to cover his secondary embarrassment. "This must be hard for everyone."
"I think it's worse for poor Holcroft," said Maria. "He's right that Thomas never had much time for the younger children. I just wish he didn't have so much resentment." She straightened the bedclothes. "Blaming Thomas for wanting to get away from Earth after a few years is like blaming a convict for wanting to escape his prison."
"I can't imagine wanting to leave my children," said Jamie. "They're one of the best parts of my life."
"Children grow up and go away on their own, Jamie," said Maria. "Thomas once told me that, on his planet, children left home by the age of eight. I don't think he ever really understood that his sons and daughters needed him even after they turned nine."
"Cultural differences can be hard," offered Zoe. "I'm always doing something or another wrong."
Heedless of their discussion, the Colonel tossed and turned on the bed. Finally, Jamie had to hold his shoulders until he calmed down.
"I just wish we could do something," said Zoe. She sniffed and rubbed at her eyes. "It feels wrong to see the Colonel like this. He was always so strong."
"He's a good man," said Maria. "I'm sure he'll find happiness in what comes after." She smiled, suddenly. "Did he ever tell you how we met?"
Jamie shook his head, and Zoe followed suit.
"He'd met my brother on the battlefield, you know, fighting for Cromwell. Irish parliamentarians, the lowest of the low. Well, my brother was, and Thomas was pretending to be. They got leave together, and my brother introduced us when they came to visit. Thomas proposed almost at once."
"Love at first sight?" suggested Zoe.
"Hardly. I wanted out of the house, Thomas wanted the dowry and some help with 'our confusing, yet quaint customs.' I said yes after he'd told me he was an alien. I was still young and romantic enough that teaching a visitor from the stars about love seemed a fine adventure." She looked up at Jamie and Zoe. "I hope I'm not boring you."
"Well," said Jamie, eyeing the door.
"Of course not," said Zoe. "So you were married?"
"Aye, despite what my father thought of it all. Marriage," said Maria, thoughtfully, "was another thing Thomas never really understood. I know he liked me then, and likes me now, but he was never jealous or possessive. He didn't demand anything at all, or expect me to conform to his wishes. I had to do my best to return the favor. I do love him, you know." She patted the Colonel's hand. "For all that he left me to take care of the children while he kidnapped dukes and hid from the law."
The Colonel muttered something, becoming more lucid.
"What's that?" asked Maria. She leaned in close. "Thomas?"
"I said, at least it gave you time to collect lovers, you poor home-body." The Colonel's voice was raw and ragged, and he coughed as he spoke.
"Colonel?" said Jamie, trying to remind them that he and Zoe were still there.
"Jamie," said the Colonel, struggling up. "Zoe. I have to- I must make sure you'll be alright, once I'm... gone."
"We'll be fine," said Zoe. "Don't you worry about us."
"Good," said the Colonel. "Good. I'm glad you're here." He laid back down as coughs and shudders racked his body. "I meet death unafraid," he said, hazily. "I've still got lives left to live- So many lives left to-" His head tipped back, and the breath rattled in his throat.
"Oh, Colonel," said Zoe, starting to tear up.
"He's gone," said Jamie. He pulled Zoe into a hug. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Blood."
"Don't cry, dears," said Maria. "He was sick for a while, and he wasn't enjoying himself. He'll be at peace now." She stood up, wiping at her own eyes. "I have to go tell Holcroft. Make arrangements."
She left the room and closed the door. Alone, Jamie and Zoe moved apart.
"I wish-" said Zoe, "Oh, I wish so many things."
"I know," said Jamie. "Wait, what's happening?"
The Colonel's body was glowing, faintly, and, as they watched, he started to change, features melting and rearranging. Zoe stepped toward him, then back, her hand at her mouth. Jamie just stood and gaped.
"What do I look like?" said the Colonel, at last. "I wish that proper mirrors weren’t so expensive."
"What just happened?" said Jamie.
"I regenerated," said the Colonel. "Now, it is imperative that no one else see me like this. I trust you two will help me get out of here?" He got out of the bed, wobbling. Zoe caught his arm.
"Of course," she said. "But why? What's wrong? Why aren't you dead?"
"My people can change bodies when they use up an old one," said the Colonel. He tottered to a wardrobe and flung it open. Shaking off Zoe's hand, he stripped off his sick-clothes, and began dressing in a black suit.
"But you sound completely different," said Jamie. "I mean, you've still got the Irish accent, but that's about it."
"I might be stuck with that," mused the Colonel. He swung around and half-fell to the ground, where he pulled on a pair of shoes that were far too large for his newly-small feet. "I learned English in Ireland, when I was without my TARDIS' translator. But, as for the rest of it, a new body comes with a new manifestation of my personality. It's still me in here, but it may not seem like it to you. I don't know yet, though. It's still settling." He lurched to his feet, forcing Zoe to steady him again.
"But why didn't you tell your poor wife?" asked Zoe, looking disapproving. "She was very worried."
"Ah, Maria," said the Colonel. He had the grace to look uncomfortable. "I didn't really want to get sick, but it was convenient. I'm afraid I've racked up a series of debts, including some court-ordered damages. Death seemed a better escape than actually trying to pay, but I'm sure Maria wouldn't see it that way. She'll get over me, in time. By the way, you'll need to help me find a corpse to bury in my coffin. Can't have people thinking that I faked my death."
"But you have faked your death," said Jamie.
"Exactly," said the Colonel, as he opened the door. "But I don't want anyone to know."
"I see you're up and around," said Maria, right outside.
"My dear!" said the Colonel. He waved his arms extravagantly, nearly hitting Zoe and causing him to lose his balance. Maria caught him as Zoe let go. "I was just coming to see you."
"I heard everything," said Maria. "Just going to run off, were you? I'll get over it, in time?"
"A little joke," said the Colonel. "Ahah."
"I think you forgot who you were dealing with," said Maria. "You told me you were at the end of your regeneration cycle, you ass."
"I may have overestimated my number of deaths," said the Colonel. "Only by one or two, a simple mistake."
"I came all the way down from Ireland," complained Holcroft. He leaned over his mother to better glare at the Colonel. "This is absolutely typical. A complete lack of consideration for those of us trying to make an honest living."
"I just died, and already you're whinging at me," said the Colonel. "I have to warn you that I'm currently highly impressionable. You might scar me for the rest of this life."
"Oh, please," said Holcroft, rolling his eyes.
"We do need a body to bury," said Maria. "Thomas, Michael Burman died four days ago, and he was about your height. Or," she looked the Colonel up and down, "the height you used to be. You're not the fine figure of a man I married, you know."
"Thank you," said the Colonel, sourly. "What did I say about highly impressionable? I had hoped to avoid a height complex in this regeneration, not that you care."
"Not a bit," said Maria, cheerfully. "But it was only a little joke. Ahah."
"You're taking this very much in stride," said Zoe. "Isn't this a surprise?"
"I had my suspicions," said Maria. "I hope you don't talk in your sleep again this time around, Thomas."
"Mother, if you would have shared your inside knowledge, I could have stayed at home," said Holcroft.
"No, you'll need to be at the funeral for it to be convincing," said the Colonel. "And you can help steal Burman's body! We'll bond!"
"I don't want to bond anymore," said Holcroft. "Especially not over criminal acts."
"This is why I don't like you as much as Thomas," said the Colonel. Holcroft's expression got even worse.
"Er, parenting tip," said Jamie, breaking in. "You're not actually supposed to tell them who your favorite is."
"Sorry," said the Colonel. "Can't I get any leeway at all for dying just a moment ago?"
"No," said Maria and Holcroft together.
"But I suppose I'll stay," added Holcroft, a little less bitterly. "I have the days off anyway, I might as well use them."
"Well, everything's settled, then," said Jamie, grinning. "How long do we have to wait before we can go and rob us a grave?"
"A while, unless you want to do it in broad daylight," pointed out Zoe. "Why don't we sit down, have some tea, and wait for the Colonel to finish 'settling.' He looks ill."
"I'm fine," said the Colonel, freeing himself at last from his wife and striding past Holcroft and into the corridor, where he promptly ran into a wall.
"I see your point," said Maria. "Thomas, you'll need to turn left. No, more."
"Some excuse for an adventure this is," complained Jamie.
"I think I don't mind adventures if they come with tea," said Holcroft.
---
The headstone said "Colonel Thomas Blood. Departed this world on 24 August, the year of our Lord 1680." The Doctor kicked it, irritably, and stuffed his hands in his pockets, completely ruining the line of his trousers.
"You even managed to get your fake military rank on the inscription," he said. His voice was choked, a little, and he didn't bother to clear it. "I suppose they wouldn't deny a dead man, would they?" He drew and handkerchief from the pocket of his velvet coat and used it to blow his nose.
"I did try to get back," the Doctor continued. "But the Time Lords exiled me to the wrong century, even though I asked for this one. It took me absolutely ages to get my TARDIS working again. Still not entirely accurate, as you see." He sighed. "No help from the War Chief, of course. He escaped custody, by the way, though he won't tell me how. Your friend Narvin's very upset about it. He got demoted, and he keeps stopping by to complain. Seems to think it's my fault, somehow, for not warning him that the Mexican Reform War is a very chaotic place. And then, of course, the War Chief turns up to make my life exceedingly difficult. I wouldn't tell you that if you could hear me, I suppose. You always were jealous of him. He's got one of those, what do you call them, Fu Manchu moustaches. And muttonchops. He looks absolutely ridiculous, but he won't take my advice. I always thought you couldn't go wrong with a nice shave. Not your beard of course. I always liked your beard." The Doctor stopped talking as his tone faded into insincerity. He folded up his handkerchief and thrust it back into his front pocket, then looked up at the sky, shading his eyes from the bright, cheerful sun.
"Isn't it always supposed to rain at funerals?" he asked of no one.
"It did rain," said a man standing behind him. "You're nearly a week late."
The Doctor spun around.
"Koschei? I mean, Colonel? Is that you?"
"It is indeed," said the Colonel, spreading his arms as if to show himself off.
He was shorter, with a higher forehead and a neater beard. His nose was still oversized, as were his clothes.
"Did you just regenerate?" said the Doctor. "Or have you just not bothered to get a decent suit?"
"We can't all be fashion-plates," said the Colonel. "I do like your new body, though. Ruffles and grey hair rather suit you. Did you regenerate like that, or did you grow into it?"
"It hasn't been very long for me," said the Doctor. "I'm glad to see you well, by the way."
"Long enough to start flirting with the War Chief again, I hear," said the Colonel, ignoring the second comment.
"Ah," said the Doctor. "You were listening."
"I did," confirmed the Colonel. "It was revealing, but not as much as I had hoped. Some people get confessions at their gravesides, but all I seem to rate is a pack of gossip."
"Look, old chap," said the Doctor, running his hands through his hair. "What do you want me to say? Come away with me? What about your wife?"
"You didn't seem much concerned with her last time," said the Colonel.
"Different body, different sentiments. This me is more inclined to the common courtesy of not stealing people's spouses," said the Doctor.
"She's dumped me." The Colonel looked both amused and aggrieved. "Said it was quite clear that we'd vowed 'til death do us part,' and that she thought she could be a very happy widow. I'm welcome to come around, she says, but not on Thursdays."
"Why not on Thursdays?"
"The new butcher," said the Colonel, "closes shop early on Thursdays. It's Thursday today, actually. Anyway, I'm perfectly free to leave this time and place, if anyone would like to offer." He looked around, as if expecting someone else to pop out of the underbrush with a signed invitation.
"Well, that is what I came for," said the Doctor. "Before you startled me by being dead." He offered the Colonel a hand and then, when it was taken, pulled the Colonel into an embrace.
"Not right now," said the Colonel, stepping out of the Doctor's arms.
"Whyever not?"
"They're coming to dig up my grave," said the Colonel. He pointed at a gang of men with shovels coming into view. "My creditors, you see. I came to watch, make sure everything was in order. Anyway, we'd better get away."
"Before they find out you're still alive?" The Doctor started to walk toward the nearby clump of trees he had landed in.
"Give me some credit. The body in that grave is convincing enough. No, I just don't think men hugging in public would go down very well. They have houses in London for that sort of thing."
They were in amongst the trees now, and the Doctor caught the Colonel by the shoulders.
"Speaking from experience?" he asked, mildly.
The Colonel laughed, lightly. "Who's jealous now? No, not from experience."
"I don't see how you can accuse me of being jealous when I already know that you have a wife. Or had one. I am completely calm about that fact."
"And seven children," pointed out the Colonel. "Thomas is already in his second regeneration, living in America with children of his own. I'm a grandfather."
"Thomas not the apothecary's son, then?" asked the Doctor, after a pause.
"It seems not," said the Colonel. "Did you really think he was?"
"I was actually hoping that your wife was a beard," admitted the Doctor. "It helped that you kept talking about her taking up with other men."
"You are jealous," said the Colonel. "I'd say pretending that I never have sex with other people - even ones I'm married to - falls under that label."
"It merely makes me uncomfortable," said the Doctor. "I wouldn't go so far as to call it jealousy."
"Don't worry," said the Colonel. "I fully intend to have sex with you again soon."
"You do, do you?" said the Doctor. "Yet you keep talking instead of responding to my advances."
"I've got a lot to say in this regeneration," said the Colonel. "I was a little laconic last time, but I think I got it out of my system-" The Doctor finally gave up and kissed the Colonel to shut him up. Deprived of speech, the Colonel demonstrated his opinion eloquently by latching on to the Doctor's neck and pulling him down for more, and the whole thing went on for some time.
"TARDIS," gasped the Doctor, when they finally broke apart. "I am very glad that you're not dead."
"Agreed on the second point, but not on the first," said the Colonel. "Aren't you forgetting something? A pair of your companions?"
"Jamie and Zoe," said the Doctor. "Of course. They're still stuck here."
"I didn't have any transportation for them," confirmed the Colonel. "But we don't have to visit them right away." He raised his eyebrows.
"Don't be ridiculous," said the Doctor. "We can't delay, especially not for that. What would they think of me?" He began to stride out of the trees.
"We wouldn't have to tell them," said the Colonel, but he followed all the same. "We could say you'd just appeared. Where are we going?"
"I don't know," said the Doctor. "Where did you say Zoe and Jamie lived?"
"I didn't, but turn left at the road." The Colonel pointed. "You're in luck, today. Zoe lives further north, near the new developments in Soho."
"With Jamie, I assume?"
"No. Well, yes, but only this week. He came down from Ipswich while I was dying, and then brought his wife and children down for my funeral."
"Wife?" said the Doctor, incredulously. "Children?"
"I see," said the Colonel, looking up at the sky as if hoping for help. "It's not just me you can't stand moving on. It's everyone."
"I was just surprised," said the Doctor. "A small lapse. Ignore it. How much further?"
"Quite a ways," said the Colonel. "You're a bit of a nuisance, you know. These are new feet."
"Oh, shut up. I'd offer you a lift in the TARDIS, but we'd probably end up another five years out. I've had a lot of trouble navigating this century."
"I'd noticed," said the Colonel. "Believe me."
"Don't take that tone with me," said the Doctor. "I was stuck on Earth as well, after my exile."
"Really?" asked the Colonel. "For how long? Ten years? Twenty? Perhaps thirty."
"Only for a couple years," admitted the Doctor. "I suppose it's not really comparable."
"Thirty-five years," said the Colonel, relishing the words so much that he nearly ran into a cart that was going through a crossing. "My last regeneration never even left Earth."
"Why is that, by the way?" asked the Doctor. "You had plans to do so before I appeared, and presumably you could have continued them after I was captured."
"You said you'd return," said the Colonel, nobly. "I was waiting for you."
"If you say so. I didn't think you had that much faith in me."
"Well, I do."
They walked in silence for a moment.
"Your plots all failed, didn't they?" The Doctor looked studiously at the street.
"Yes, fine, they did." The Colonel spat the words angrily. "You've found me out. I don't know why you bothered to come back for someone so pathetic."
"Don't take it that way," said the Doctor. He put his arm around the Colonel's shoulder, in a manly, companionable way. Somehow he segued from that into squeezing the Colonel's shoulder, in a manly, sexual way. "You're a very worthwhile person who, incidentally, left me hanging in my last regeneration. I had every reason to try and find you again."
"That makes a change from last time," muttered the Colonel. He shoved sullenly at the Doctor's arm but didn't actually push him away.
"Let me put it this way," said the Doctor. "Koschei the CIA operative was very dear to me, but we got into fights quite often and he wouldn't see sense about my need to leave. Colonel Blood the exiled criminal mastermind may have his own problems, but we get along much better when we're not indulging our nostalgia for conflict. More to the point, I knew where he lived."
"How very flattering," said the Colonel. His tone wavered between sincerity and sarcasm. "Why don't you concern yourself with preparing to reunite with your companions? Ready yourself for the shock of how much they've matured?"
"Oh, they won't have changed," said the Doctor. "Good old Jamie and Zoe."
---
The woman who answered the door at the nice house outside Soho was slight and cheerful, her dark hair mostly covered by a white cloth cap. It took the Doctor a moment to recognize her.
"Zoe?"
"Doctor?" The woman's eyes widened. "You've changed bodies as well!"
"You've grown up," marveled the Doctor. "Or grown down. You're much shorter than you were before."
"I think it's just your perspective that's changed," said Zoe. "Come inside, hello Colonel. Jamie!"
"Just a moment!"
The Doctor stepped into the entryway, followed by the Colonel. Presently sturdy man wearing a kilt and carrying a little girl joined them.
"Jamie!" said the Doctor. "And who is this?"
"Doctor!" said Jamie. He let go of the toddler in shock, but she clung to his neck until he'd regained his grip. "Uh, this is my daughter, Cecily."
"She looks just like you," said the Doctor, leaning down to tweak her nose. Cecily grinned back at him.
"She looks more like her mother," said Jamie, automatically. "When did you get here?"
"Quite recently," said the Doctor. "The Colonel intercepted me at his gravesite."
"He insisted on coming straight here," said the Colonel. "It's only my luck that you're both in London at the moment, or he would have wanted to walk to Suffolk next."
"Doctor, you've got to meet my son, John, and my wife, Beth," said Jamie. "I've told them all about you."
"You are staying for dinner, of course," said Zoe. "Jenny will be glad to see you again."
"I suppose," said the Doctor. "I hadn't planned on making this a long visit. Jenny?"
"My girlfriend, Doctor. Remember, we ended up kissing right in front of you?"
"Did you? I must have been busy." The Doctor thought back. "Wait. Yes. She was very tall. Perhaps not so tall now," he mused. "Everyone does seem to have shrunk."
"Hey!" said Jamie.
"I tried to tell you," said Zoe. "You're quite a bit taller than you used to be."
"That makes sense," agreed the Doctor. "But the Colonel has definitely shrunk."
"I got enough of that when I first regenerated," said the Colonel. "I don't need to hear it from you as well."
Cecily giggled, and reached her arms out to the Doctor, who took her, gingerly.
"Funny man," she said, hands fisting in his ruffles.
"Cecily, that's the Doctor," said Jamie. He smiled nervously, with the air of a man who isn't sure if he actually trusts his old friends with his children.
"Funny Doctor," said Cecily, imitating Jamie's accent.
"That's right," said the Doctor, trying to regain his ruffles without dropping her. The Colonel sighed and took Cecily away, setting her on the ground.
"Bad Colonel!" she said, pulling on his breeches. "Up!"
"You'll have to stand on your own two legs," the Colonel frowned down at her. "It builds character."
"Up!" said Cecily, tugging harder.
"Say you'll stay for dinner," said Zoe. "You can't just leave right away. Not after all these years."
"I had hoped to take you two with me," said the Doctor, ruefully. "But you seem well settled."
"Maybe I'd have gone, five years ago," said Jamie. "Before Beth and the children. But I'm happy here."
Zoe had an odd look on her face, and the Doctor was going to ask her if something was wrong. He was distracted, however, when the Colonel bumped into him, knocking them both into the wall.
"Let go," said the Colonel, ignoring the Doctor's protests.
“Terribly sorry,” said the Doctor, pushing the Colonel away, “but may I point out that it was you who bumped into me?”
“I wasn’t talking to you,” said the Colonel, trying not to step on the little girl that was still attached to his leg. “Let go, you nuisance.”
"Up!" said Cecily. Releasing the Colonel's trousers, she yanked on his coat.
"Here, you can just have it," said the Colonel, struggling out of the garment. It fell on top of Cecily, covering her completely.
"Oh dear," said Zoe. Jamie just laughed.
"Hey!" said Cecily, crossly. The Colonel sighed and picked her up at last, coat and all.
"I'll stay for dinner," said the Doctor.
---
"The mutton is delicious," said the Doctor.
"Thank you," said Beth. "It's my grandmother's recipe."
"I wonder if I ever met her," said the Doctor. "You remind me very strongly of someone."
"He's never going to figure it out," said the Colonel to Zoe, quietly. "He's completely oblivious."
Zoe giggled. "He does seem to be having some trouble."
The Doctor stared at Beth. She was short and a little plump, with deep laugh lines. Her messy dark hair was pulled back, making it look as if it had been cropped off at the ears.
"You're sure we've never met?" he asked.
"As far as I remember," said Beth.
"Let it rest, Doctor," said Jamie, his cheeks red. "Have some more turnips."
"You see?" said the Colonel. "He'll still be wondering, right up until he forgets all about it."
"It's probably for the best," said Zoe. "I'm sure the Doctor doesn't want to know that he used to be Jamie's 'type.'" Her fingers sketched tiny quote-marks under the table.
"Give!" said Cecily from the Colonel's lap, grabbing for his plate. The Colonel managed to keep the food from toppling over them both, and passed Cecily the piece of bread she'd been reaching for.
"You're going to break something," said John, from the Colonel’s other side. His voice was solemn with all the wisdom of his five years. "Careful."
"She won't listen to you," said the Colonel, sighing. "It's the curse of being sensible."
"I don't think anyone's ever accused you of being sensible," said the Doctor. He reached across the table to get a second helping of mutton, and nearly knocked over the gravy. The Colonel reached out and stabilized the tureen while Jenny pushed the mutton closer to the Doctor's hand.
Cecily chuckled through a mouthful of bread, sending crumbs flying all over the Colonel's breeches.
"I can see why Jamie doesn't want to leave, with such lovely children and a dear wife," said the Doctor, gallantly. "He's not the first companion I've lost to marriage, but this is certainly the first time I've actually gotten to sit with the resulting family. I'm glad it could be such a good one."
"I'm glad you approve," said Beth, amused.
"And Zoe," continued the Doctor, "you've found such a nice girl in Jenny. I completely understand if you also wish to remain."
"Actually," said Zoe, "I'd like to take you up on your offer. Jenny as well, of course."
"What? Well, the more the merrier." The Doctor beamed. "It'll be just like old times."
"Not quite," said the Colonel, looking as if more was definitely not merrier. "Perhaps Zoe needs a moment to discuss this with Jenny?"
"We talked before dinner," said Jenny. "We're capable of having grown-up discussions without being prompted. Anyway, Zoe didn't mean we plan on traveling."
"I don't quite see what you're saying," said the Doctor.
"Jenny and I just want a lift to more enlightened times. Enlightened on both the subjects of personal relationships and of hygiene." Zoe smiled, a hint of strain creeping into the edges. "I've lived here for a decade, and we've made a stab at a life. We're doing well. But I'm afraid I rather miss the twenty-first century, and Jenny's agreed to give it a try."
"I want to go to space again," supplied Jenny. "I don't mind starting over."
"I'm sure I can get you there," said the Doctor, heartiness covering disappointment. "How soon can we leave?"
"Give me a day to wrap things up," said Zoe. "Jamie can help, can't you?"
"Sure," said Jamie. "Especially if the Colonel can baby-sit."
"Of course he can!" said the Doctor. "This all sounds perfect."
"Oh yes," said the Colonel. "Perfect."
Cecily made another grab for his plate and pulled the whole thing on to them. The Colonel caught the plate before it hit the ground, and then glowered among the remains of his meal.
"I told you," said John, scolding his sister. "Now look at you."
Cecily ate a turnip off of her dress.
"He's very good with children," confided the Doctor to Beth. "Seven of his own, as he keeps reminding me."
"I didn't exactly raise them," pointed out the Colonel. "I was in hiding."
The Doctor ignored him, chatting with Beth and Jamie. The Colonel picked bits of sheep out of his lap.
"Don't do that again," he said to Cecily. "If you want something, ask for it."
"Can I have some of your beer?" asked John, politely.
"No," said the Colonel. "I think I'm going to need that. But thank you for asking."
---
The Doctor waited outside as the Colonel said goodbye to his wife. After spending yesterday helping Zoe pack, the Doctor was tired, irrespective of how much he had actually helped. He'd said farewell to Jamie and been ready to leave, but the Colonel had insisted on a quick stop.
Now the Doctor loitered in front of the nice townhouse, alternating between pacing and wringing his hands.
"Dear me," said the Colonel, as he stepped back out into the street. "What's the matter with you?"
"Nothing," said the Doctor. He stopped moving, standing up straight and pasting on a smile. "How is Mary?"
"Maria," corrected the Colonel. "She's fine. She's coming out in a minute, since you seem so averse to leaving the street."
"Oh, I don't mind," said the Doctor, clenching his teeth around the lie. "I just thought you would want to go in alone, at first."
"Of course you did," said the Colonel. "Come in, then."
The Doctor stepped inside as the Colonel vacated the doorway. He was almost immediately confronted by Maria Blood, he had been waiting.
"Doctor," she shook his hand, warmly. "You won't believe how much I've heard about you."
"All of it good, I hope."
"No, not really." Maria quirked her lips. "But we shouldn't dwell on that, should we? I do hope you and Thomas will be happy."
"Thomas?" asked the Doctor. "Isn't he in America or something?
"Not my son, Doctor," said the Colonel. "Colonel Thomas Blood, you recall?"
"I could hardly forget such a gauche pulp-fiction style of a name," said the Doctor. "I merely hadn't expected you to be using the least objectionable part of it."
"I felt that it was reasonable to be on first-name basis with one's spouse."
"Really? May I call you Thomas?"
The Colonel shook his head in a prelude to a vehement no, but Maria broke in with a wide grin.
"You've proposed, then? When's the wedding?"
"No, no, no," said the Doctor, hurriedly. "I wasn't trying to imply that I was his spouse, I was just-"
Maria laughed, not bothering to cover her mouth. She just put her hands on her hips and laughed, fully. The Colonel cringed, indulgently, and the Doctor looked bemused.
"You are a pair, aren't you? Well, off you get," she said, waving the Colonel and the Doctor out of the door. "Mind you stop by again, see the children and whatever grandchildren there are by then."
"Goodbye," said the Colonel. He kissed his wife on the cheek and followed the Doctor out.
They ambled in silence toward Tothill Fields, where the TARDIS was parked and Zoe and Jenny were waiting for them.
"I'm really not proposing," said the Doctor, when they were nearly halfway there.
"I know," said the Colonel, mildly.
"I don't want you coming into this with false expectations."
"I'm not." The Colonel rolled his eyes. "Don't worry."
"You say that now, but back at home you would have-"
"I've changed a lot since then." The Colonel cut the Doctor off. "Having a more casual relationship was rather eye-opening. I've come to understand that unreasonable expectations can be death to an otherwise completely satisfying union."
"That's very mature of you," said the Doctor.
"Thank you."
"More mature than I recall you acting last time I was here," the Doctor pointed out. "Arguing with the War Chief, glowering at Zoe and Jamie."
"I've changed since then as well, Doctor," snapped the Colonel. He slowed his anger, forced a calm smile. "Surely you learned something during your own exile?"
"Yes, of course."
They walked in silence for a while longer.
"Well?"
"I learned how to function within a military bureaucracy and how to defend against several species of aliens, not least Humankind. Not as profound as your own achievements, I admit, but far more practical."
"Oh, well done, Doctor," said the Colonel. "I'll have you know that I've accomplished plenty of practical deeds while on Earth."
"Oh yes? Any successful plans? Perhaps you managed to actually steal the crown jewels after all."
"Not as such." The Colonel hesitated. "It rather depends on how you define success."
They walked in silence for a little longer, until they could see the patch of trees the TARDIS was in. The Doctor waved at Jenny and Zoe, who were already there.
"I hope they haven't been waiting long. We could have been here ages ago, if you hadn't spent so long with Maria."
"I wanted to say goodbye." The Colonel shrugged. "It's important to do things properly. You wouldn't understand."
"Let's not argue," said the Doctor. "Listen here, we should be grateful that we have another chance together, not wasting time dwelling on the mistakes of the past."
"How very convenient for you," the Colonel said, loftily. "Since they're almost entirely all your mistakes. But my hard-earned 'maturity' also extends to forgiving and forgetting."
"That's a new one," said Jenny, in hearing-distance now. "How many times have we heard the story of 'the Doctor's terrible flight,' Zoe?"
"Twenty or thirty times at least, for my part," said Zoe. "That's why I tend to avoid drinking with you, Colonel."
"'I understand why he left, but why couldn't he say goodbye?'" quoted Jenny, affecting a maudlin slur. "'I wouldn't've stopped him! Well, I would've, I would've broken his legs to keep him with me, but it would've been for his own good! My hearts are beyond repair, even after his too-short return.'"
"You mock my pain," said the Colonel, with rather less humor than he had attempted to show.
"Why don't we just leave?" said the Doctor. He unlocked the TARDIS door. "Everyone ready?"
"Oh, yes," said Zoe. She carried her bags in. "You've redecorated, Doctor!"
"Yes, do you like it?" The Doctor helped Jenny with the last of the luggage. "Here we go, my dear. Watch your step."
"We're never mentioning this again," hissed the Colonel, as he followed the Doctor inside. "Never."
"I should hope not. A fresh beginning, that's what we need. I'll have Zoe and Jenny dropped off at their new home soon enough, and we can get started."
---
It only took the Doctor three or four tries to get Zoe and Jenny to more or less the right time and place.
"You're a much better navigator than you used to be," said Zoe, hugging him goodbye. "We never knew where we'd end up next."
"He still managed to land us into trouble every other time so far," said Jenny. "I'm keeping an eye out for invading aliens here as well."
"I'm sure it will be fine," said the Doctor. "This is the calmest patch of space-age Earth a couple could hope for."
"Good," said Zoe. "Jenny will need some time to adapt, just as I did." She squeezed Jenny's hand, smiling "Goodbye, Doctor. Colonel."
"Goodbye, my dear girls," said the Doctor. The Colonel waved to them, and then they were out of the doors, two more new arrivals on the first civilian orbital space-station.
"You realize there's an incursion with Space Pirates here in less than a day?" asked the Colonel.
"As I recall, they beat them off with no casualties," said the Doctor. "Anyway, periods of great confusion are the best time to blend in. That's been my experience, anyway."
"I can believe that," muttered the Colonel. He fiddled with the console and, at the Doctor's nod, set the TARDIS into flight.
"The whole place to ourselves," said the Doctor. "What shall we do now?"
"I don't know," said the Colonel. "It's been a long time since I was off Earth. All of time and space at our fingertips." He ran his hands absently over the console, as he had been doing since they'd left England a week ago.
"I said," said the Doctor, "we've got the whole place to ourselves now."
"Hm?"
"Sex!" said the Doctor, exasperatedly. "We've been back together for a week, and we haven't had any. Fresh beginnings are meant to incorporate the reacquaintance of bodies."
"Where did you read that, a romance novel?" The Colonel didn't turn away from the controls.
"Don't deflect," said the Doctor. "This is serious."
"It's your own fault," said the Colonel. He fiddled with the dials until they were stopped and sitting in space. "I don't see why we couldn't have had sex in one of the spare bedrooms while Zoe and Jenny were on the other end of the TARDIS."
"It would feel wrong," explained the Doctor, for about the fiftieth time.
"It's not as if they were celibate."
"I really don't want to think about that, thank you," said the Doctor. "It's as if," he tried to explain, "one of your children came home to visit, after years of being apart. You don't want to hurt them."
"Ah," said the Colonel. "That happened to Maria and I, once or twice."
"And what did you do?" prompted the Doctor.
"Had sex. It's a natural thing, Doctor, no need to be squeamish."
"I think I'm done with this conversation," said the Doctor. "I'm just going to go to my bedroom. You're welcome to join me, if you can get over the need to be right." He walked out.
The Colonel checked the gauges, and adjusted the TARDIS until she could hang in space for an indefinite period of time. He set up a forcefield that would deflect space debris. He put away a pile of nets and bait that had been left over from two days ago, when they'd had to capture some dinosaurs that had been let loose in London. Finally, he turned off the console room lights, and ambled toward the Doctor's rooms. Once there, he leaned against the open door, studying the Doctor as the man turned a page in his book.
"Finally decided to come to bed, have you?" said the Doctor.
"Yes," said the Colonel. "Though I would like it to be understood that I'm never going to get over my need to be right, especially when you're so patently wrong. Colonel Blood the criminal mastermind isn't necessarily as agreeable as you'd like him."
"I really don't care anymore, you nitwit," said the Doctor, fondly. He closed his book and set it on the bedside table. "Come here."
The Colonel sat down on the bed and found himself pulled into the Doctor's arms. They kissed, briefly, and then the Doctor had his mouth on the Colonel's neck, and the Colonel was running his hands down to pull the Doctor's shirt out of his trousers and the TARDIS shook as something rammed into it.
"What was that?" The Doctor broke away, half-getting up. The Colonel held on to him, doggedly.
"I'm sure it was nothing. Don't worry about it."
"This is the War Chief!" The TARDIS comm system screeched into life. "You are trapped, Doctor!"
"We've got to get to the console room," said the Doctor. "Make some kind of evasive action."
"I enhanced the forcefield," said the Colonel. "Nobody can get in. Why don't we deal with it in about a half an hour?"
"I can't believe you're suggesting that we just carry on." The Doctor looked flabbergasted. "Listen to me, one simply does not have sex while one's enemies are battering down the door."
"I just told you, he can't get in."
"That's completely beside the point. Anyway, if you hadn't spent so much time fiddling about after I scolded you earlier this evening we could have had it off by now."
"Doctor?" said the comm. "Are you there? Doctor?"
"It's only polite to send a reply," said the Doctor.
"Oh, I have some ideas for that," growled the Colonel. He got up and stalked off to the console room, leaving the Doctor to follow.
"Piss off!" said the Colonel, grabbing the microphone attached to the console. "We're busy."
"Koschei? What are you doing there?" said the War Chief.
"Being busy," said the Colonel. "Go bother Narvin. I hear he's your back-up for annoyance purposes."
"I've got a whole fleet of Draconians out here," complained the War Chief. "You can't just expect me to turn around and leave."
"Hang around if you like. We'll get back to you when we have time."
"When you have time?" squawked the War Chief. The Colonel deactivated the comm's speakers.
"There," he said, turning to where the Doctor was watching him. "Polite enough for you?"
"Not quite what I had in mind, but effective," admitted the Doctor. "I imagine he'll either get bored and go away, or collect the TARDIS in one of his ships. But your forcefield won't last forever if he starts pounding at it."
"It'll last a half an hour," said the Colonel. "I’ll show that man that he has no business chasing after you."
"Touchy," said the Doctor, but he allowed himself to be dragged away. "You know, I don't think you're anywhere near as secure in our relationship as you claim to be."
"I'm relying on experience, Doctor. Experience with the War Chief teaches me that having sex with you is infinitely preferable to wasting my time talking to him."
"New beginning," reminded the Doctor. "Though I take your point."
“And then after we’ve finished,” the Colonel continued talking over his shoulder as he navigated the corridors, “we can devise some cunning plan to get out of here without seeing the War Chief at all. I’m still considering it, but I believe if we simply dematerialize straight away, just before the forcefield lifts, nothing can prevent us. Surely we can take some precautions to ensure he won’t be able to follow us.”
“Wait a moment.” The Doctor stopped moving, just outside his bedroom. “You mean we won’t even stop to say hello? To foil whatever galactic take-over schemes he has?”
“No.” The Colonel looked at the Doctor reproachfully. “Why, do you want to?”
“Not per se,” said the Doctor, carefully, “but I have rather gotten used to keeping the War Chief in check. Even if he is a terrible bore.”
“Someone else can take care of it,” said the Colonel. “I’ll send a message to the CIA, unless you’ve already managed to get yourself in trouble with the law again.”
“No, no, you do that.” The Doctor still hesitated. Finally, the Colonel threw up his hands, impatiently.
“What is it now?”
“Well,” said the Doctor, “it’s just that this whole situation doesn’t exactly seem full of the emotional maturity you claim to have gained. Not when you’re reporting an old school friend to the authorities just for interrupting our intimate time.” He folded his arms awkwardly.
“He interrupted with a fleet of Draconian cruisers,” the Colonel pointed out. “He’s trying to capture us for his own ends.”
“The War Chief has some trouble communicating,” said the Doctor. “Perhaps this is just his way of saying ‘congratulations on not being stuck on Earth.’ For both of us.”
“I see,” said the Colonel. “Well. I suppose you have two options. You can either wait for another,” he thought about it, “twenty-five minutes, and then go play your games with the War Chief. Or you can come with me and forget about that blundering idiot, for good if I have anything to say about it.” The Colonel wrenched the door to the bedroom open and stepped inside.
The Doctor rubbed at his neck.
“I would like to point out,” the Colonel stuck his head back out into the corridor, “that while both I and the War Chief might lack your much vaunted ‘emotional maturity,’ I, at least, have the courtesy to lie about it.” He retreated back into the room again.
The Doctor thought about it for at least two or three seconds.
“No contest,” he said, pulling the bedroom door shut behind him. “But perhaps we might just leave old Magnus a note.”
---
The War Chief screamed in rage as the Doctor’s TARDIS faded away from the storage bay his minions had towed it to. All that was left behind was a piece of paper that flapped forlornly. The War Chief pushed away his anger and picked it up.
“Dear,” it began, but someone had crossed that out with a heavy hand. In fact, annotations covered the paper, replacing most of the normal pleasantries associated with letter-writing. The War Chief had to concentrate hard just to make out what the thing was actually supposed to say.
“Dear War Chief, I’m afraid I’m rather too occupied to deal with your heinous plots today. Or any time in the foreseeable future. As you’re aware that the Colonel is with me, you can no doubt ascertain why. Sorry.”
The War Chief growled and twirled one of his long moustaches around his finger, tight enough that it hurt. The nearest Draconians stepped quietly away from him, and then began to run as screeching noises filled the air. The War Chief ignored the commotion as he read the postscript that the heavy hand had added to the Doctor’s note.
“Go get your own,” it said. “By the way, enjoy your (hopefully quite lengthy) stay in the CIA’s care.”
The War Chief looked up just as Narvin stepped out of the bulkhead his TARDIS had disguised itself as. Similar bulkheads around the storage bay were disgorging CIA operatives, each one armed with a blaster and a slightly unnerving grin.
“Caught you in the act,” said Narvin, showing off his own weary smirk. “Tip from the Doctor. Has he finally gotten bored of you?”
“As you see,” snarled the War Chief. He wadded up the letter and threw it to the ground, where he stamped on it. “He is no longer a worthy adversary.”
“I’m so sorry,” said Narvin, insincerely. “Now, are you going to come quietly, or do I get to shoot you again?”
“But perhaps I have found a better nemesis.” The War Chief ignored Narvin’s words. Instead his eyes gleamed and his face transformed from angry despair to a triumphant leer. Narvin took a step back.
“Are you ill? Or insane? Never mind, it’s probably both.” He waved his ray gun threateningly. “Just get into my TARDIS and we’ll go.”
“Sweet words, Doc- Narvin, but I’m afraid I can’t comply,” said the War Chief. He reached into his jacket and produced a handheld teleportation device. “Places to go, you see.” He paused with his thumb over the button and grinned, winningly, while twirling his moustaches in a much less angry way than before.
Narvin shot him.
“They never learn,” he said, plucking the teleporter from the War Chief’s spasming hands. “To the zero room with you.” Narvin sighed and, in the absence of a helpful subordinate, picked up the War Chief’s feet to drag him into his TARDIS.
---
“Aren’t you glad you stayed with me?” said the Colonel. He and the Doctor were lying together on a couch in the library. Or, rather, the Doctor was sitting up and trying to drink his post-coital tea while the Colonel lounged around and put his head in the Doctor’s lap and stroked the Doctor’s biceps and generally made it very difficult to drink anything.
“Yes,” said the Doctor. “Now, stop acting so pleased with yourself before you strain something.”
“Why shouldn’t I be happy?” asked the Colonel. “Everything’s sorted out, to both of our satisfaction.”
“It’s not the happiness I’m opposed to, it’s the smugness.” The Doctor batted the Colonel’s hand away from his cheek. “You’re going to make me upset my tea.”
“It’s very nearly the perfect day,” said the Colonel, unconcerned by the Doctor’s rudeness. “All we need is something to cap it off. Why don’t we go steal something?”
“Really, now,” said the Doctor, aghast. “You have picked up some bad habits on Earth. If you want an adventure, we should just rescue a planet instead. Perhaps some oppressed captives.”
“Why don’t we kidnap their oppressors and hold them for ransom?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” The Doctor gestured with his tea and sloshed some onto the Colonel, who yelped and sat up.
“That was hot!”
“If you would stop being such an inveterate criminal, perhaps I would be more careful,” said the Doctor.
Their bickering filled the TARDIS until they finally gave up and set her co-ordinates to a random destination. Luckily, it turned out rescuing the Venusian crystalline sepulcher and stealing it were more or less the same things.
Final note: If you're interested, I wrote up a short thing about the history I played with in the story. It's here.
ETA: I got art for this fic! I am linking to the two pieces here at the end, because they both contain spoilers for the ending. Since hopefully you just read it, here is an awesome comic by alex_e_smith , and an amazing animation by aqueousserenade .
(alternate title: Covered in Blood)
Doctor Who, Classic Series AU
Rating: PG-13 as a whole
(this chapter: a last bit of violence, swearing, and kissing. Vague discussions of sex. Illness. Small children.
As a whole: violence, PG rated slash, femslash, and het. Small children.)
Pairings and characters (this chapter): Three/Delgado!Master, slight Three/War Chief and War Chief/Narvin, Zoe/Jenny (OFC/historical personage), Jamie/OFC. A couple historical personages.
Wordcount (this chapter): about 9,000
Total wordcount for the series: about 32,000
Summary: The end! In which the Doctor and the Colonel sort their lives out, sort of.
A/N: The final part of my odd, historical fiction reimagining of the War Games. Credit for some of the dialogue in this chapter goes to Colonel Thomas Blood. Huge, tremendous, enormous thanks to my beta, birdsarecalling, who helped me with the ending and also this whole entire thing. It's done! Done! Ahahahahaha! Written for the best_enemies bigbang challenge.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four
Jamie and Zoe sat together in the Bloods' sitting room. The street sounds of bustling Westminster filtered through the curtained windows, but the air inside held a subdued quality that resisted the incursion.
"So," said Jamie, breaking the tense silence that had hung between them, "how's London?"
"Good," said Zoe. She smiled, faintly. "The firm is doing well enough. We've moved into a nicer area, and we're getting better accounts. It seems nearly a decade is almost enough time to build a reputation."
"What is it you girls do, anyway? I was never what you’d call clear on that," admitted Jamie.
"Miscellaneous services," said Zoe. "Accounting, debt collection, mechanism repair. I'm afraid my skill-set doesn't really translate into any particular job in this era, but I can do quite a lot of things. Jenny's good at filling in the gaps. I do miss the twenty-first century, but we're getting by."
"That's grand," said Jamie, nodding vaguely. "Just grand."
They lapsed into silence again for a few minutes.
"And how is Beth?" asked Zoe, having finally remembered Jamie's wife's name.
"She's fine," said Jamie, and sighed. "She'd have come, of course, but someone has to look after the business. The kids, as well."
"How old are they now? Three and one?"
"John's five, and Cecily's two." Jamie smiled for the first time all day. "I wish I had something that could take pictures, they're such fine kids."
"It's very odd, thinking of you with a wife and children," said Zoe. "A respectable businessman, with his stand at the fishmarket and a crew of men for his boats. I always half-expect to find that you've moved back to Scotland and taken up the sword again."
"Aye, well, it wouldn't be the right war in Scotland for years and years," said Jamie. "I'm happy as I am. I might go say hello to my father after he's born, but I can't think what else. Turns out being from the future isn't the big deal I thought it was."
They sat for a while longer, until one of the servants came in and showed them to the Colonel.
---
Maria Blood was a handsome woman, even at this stage of her life. Her hair was still red-blond, her back unbowed. The light from the candle, however, illuminated the worry in her face, and her delicate hands were white-knuckled where they wrapped around her husband's own hand. She looked up as Zoe and Jamie entered the bedroom.
"He's awake," she said. "I don't know if he knows what's happening, but he's awake."
"Oh, Colonel," said Zoe. She moved close to the bed, wringing her hands. "I'm so sorry."
"He looks very ill," said Jamie. He clasped Zoe's shoulder, trying to comfort her. "There's no chance he'll get better?"
"I don't think so," said Maria. "The doctors don't have any idea what to do, and Thomas never liked them anyway. Said they didn't know what they were about. Thomas," she called, "Thomas, Zoe and Jamie are here. Thomas?"
The Colonel stirred, shivering, his eyes staring wide, but didn't say a word. Maria sighed.
"We tried to call in the children, but it's difficult. Most of them are out of the country, or unable to come home, all except for Holcroft." She looked back, out of the pool of candlelight, and a man detached himself from the wall.
"Holcroft Blood," he said, holding out his hand to Jamie, and then Zoe. "The youngest son, much to my loss."
He took after Maria in most respects, from hair color to bearing. But there was a gleam in his eye that owed much to the Colonel.
"Hello," said Zoe. "I've heard so much-"
"Please don't try to be polite," said Holcroft. "I know Father didn't actually say anything about me. He never did have much use for any of us except Tom."
"Don't talk about your father like that," scolded Maria. "Have some respect."
"Like he'd care," said Holcroft. He crossed his arms and looked away, ignoring the sick body on the bed.
"He tried to do right by you," said Maria. She gripped the Colonel's hand tighter. "He got you that appointment with the government."
"He took an interest once he realized he was stuck here," corrected Holcroft. "I doubt he'd have even said goodbye if his Doctor hadn't been caught."
Zoe shifted uncomfortably, and Jamie stepped back a pace, preparing to leave if need be. Holcroft preempted him by simply walking out, pulling the door quietly shut behind him.
"Holcroft," said Maria, too softly and too late. She sighed. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to deal with that. Thomas just wanted to see you two before the end."
"We understand," said Jamie, trying to cover his secondary embarrassment. "This must be hard for everyone."
"I think it's worse for poor Holcroft," said Maria. "He's right that Thomas never had much time for the younger children. I just wish he didn't have so much resentment." She straightened the bedclothes. "Blaming Thomas for wanting to get away from Earth after a few years is like blaming a convict for wanting to escape his prison."
"I can't imagine wanting to leave my children," said Jamie. "They're one of the best parts of my life."
"Children grow up and go away on their own, Jamie," said Maria. "Thomas once told me that, on his planet, children left home by the age of eight. I don't think he ever really understood that his sons and daughters needed him even after they turned nine."
"Cultural differences can be hard," offered Zoe. "I'm always doing something or another wrong."
Heedless of their discussion, the Colonel tossed and turned on the bed. Finally, Jamie had to hold his shoulders until he calmed down.
"I just wish we could do something," said Zoe. She sniffed and rubbed at her eyes. "It feels wrong to see the Colonel like this. He was always so strong."
"He's a good man," said Maria. "I'm sure he'll find happiness in what comes after." She smiled, suddenly. "Did he ever tell you how we met?"
Jamie shook his head, and Zoe followed suit.
"He'd met my brother on the battlefield, you know, fighting for Cromwell. Irish parliamentarians, the lowest of the low. Well, my brother was, and Thomas was pretending to be. They got leave together, and my brother introduced us when they came to visit. Thomas proposed almost at once."
"Love at first sight?" suggested Zoe.
"Hardly. I wanted out of the house, Thomas wanted the dowry and some help with 'our confusing, yet quaint customs.' I said yes after he'd told me he was an alien. I was still young and romantic enough that teaching a visitor from the stars about love seemed a fine adventure." She looked up at Jamie and Zoe. "I hope I'm not boring you."
"Well," said Jamie, eyeing the door.
"Of course not," said Zoe. "So you were married?"
"Aye, despite what my father thought of it all. Marriage," said Maria, thoughtfully, "was another thing Thomas never really understood. I know he liked me then, and likes me now, but he was never jealous or possessive. He didn't demand anything at all, or expect me to conform to his wishes. I had to do my best to return the favor. I do love him, you know." She patted the Colonel's hand. "For all that he left me to take care of the children while he kidnapped dukes and hid from the law."
The Colonel muttered something, becoming more lucid.
"What's that?" asked Maria. She leaned in close. "Thomas?"
"I said, at least it gave you time to collect lovers, you poor home-body." The Colonel's voice was raw and ragged, and he coughed as he spoke.
"Colonel?" said Jamie, trying to remind them that he and Zoe were still there.
"Jamie," said the Colonel, struggling up. "Zoe. I have to- I must make sure you'll be alright, once I'm... gone."
"We'll be fine," said Zoe. "Don't you worry about us."
"Good," said the Colonel. "Good. I'm glad you're here." He laid back down as coughs and shudders racked his body. "I meet death unafraid," he said, hazily. "I've still got lives left to live- So many lives left to-" His head tipped back, and the breath rattled in his throat.
"Oh, Colonel," said Zoe, starting to tear up.
"He's gone," said Jamie. He pulled Zoe into a hug. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Blood."
"Don't cry, dears," said Maria. "He was sick for a while, and he wasn't enjoying himself. He'll be at peace now." She stood up, wiping at her own eyes. "I have to go tell Holcroft. Make arrangements."
She left the room and closed the door. Alone, Jamie and Zoe moved apart.
"I wish-" said Zoe, "Oh, I wish so many things."
"I know," said Jamie. "Wait, what's happening?"
The Colonel's body was glowing, faintly, and, as they watched, he started to change, features melting and rearranging. Zoe stepped toward him, then back, her hand at her mouth. Jamie just stood and gaped.
"What do I look like?" said the Colonel, at last. "I wish that proper mirrors weren’t so expensive."
"What just happened?" said Jamie.
"I regenerated," said the Colonel. "Now, it is imperative that no one else see me like this. I trust you two will help me get out of here?" He got out of the bed, wobbling. Zoe caught his arm.
"Of course," she said. "But why? What's wrong? Why aren't you dead?"
"My people can change bodies when they use up an old one," said the Colonel. He tottered to a wardrobe and flung it open. Shaking off Zoe's hand, he stripped off his sick-clothes, and began dressing in a black suit.
"But you sound completely different," said Jamie. "I mean, you've still got the Irish accent, but that's about it."
"I might be stuck with that," mused the Colonel. He swung around and half-fell to the ground, where he pulled on a pair of shoes that were far too large for his newly-small feet. "I learned English in Ireland, when I was without my TARDIS' translator. But, as for the rest of it, a new body comes with a new manifestation of my personality. It's still me in here, but it may not seem like it to you. I don't know yet, though. It's still settling." He lurched to his feet, forcing Zoe to steady him again.
"But why didn't you tell your poor wife?" asked Zoe, looking disapproving. "She was very worried."
"Ah, Maria," said the Colonel. He had the grace to look uncomfortable. "I didn't really want to get sick, but it was convenient. I'm afraid I've racked up a series of debts, including some court-ordered damages. Death seemed a better escape than actually trying to pay, but I'm sure Maria wouldn't see it that way. She'll get over me, in time. By the way, you'll need to help me find a corpse to bury in my coffin. Can't have people thinking that I faked my death."
"But you have faked your death," said Jamie.
"Exactly," said the Colonel, as he opened the door. "But I don't want anyone to know."
"I see you're up and around," said Maria, right outside.
"My dear!" said the Colonel. He waved his arms extravagantly, nearly hitting Zoe and causing him to lose his balance. Maria caught him as Zoe let go. "I was just coming to see you."
"I heard everything," said Maria. "Just going to run off, were you? I'll get over it, in time?"
"A little joke," said the Colonel. "Ahah."
"I think you forgot who you were dealing with," said Maria. "You told me you were at the end of your regeneration cycle, you ass."
"I may have overestimated my number of deaths," said the Colonel. "Only by one or two, a simple mistake."
"I came all the way down from Ireland," complained Holcroft. He leaned over his mother to better glare at the Colonel. "This is absolutely typical. A complete lack of consideration for those of us trying to make an honest living."
"I just died, and already you're whinging at me," said the Colonel. "I have to warn you that I'm currently highly impressionable. You might scar me for the rest of this life."
"Oh, please," said Holcroft, rolling his eyes.
"We do need a body to bury," said Maria. "Thomas, Michael Burman died four days ago, and he was about your height. Or," she looked the Colonel up and down, "the height you used to be. You're not the fine figure of a man I married, you know."
"Thank you," said the Colonel, sourly. "What did I say about highly impressionable? I had hoped to avoid a height complex in this regeneration, not that you care."
"Not a bit," said Maria, cheerfully. "But it was only a little joke. Ahah."
"You're taking this very much in stride," said Zoe. "Isn't this a surprise?"
"I had my suspicions," said Maria. "I hope you don't talk in your sleep again this time around, Thomas."
"Mother, if you would have shared your inside knowledge, I could have stayed at home," said Holcroft.
"No, you'll need to be at the funeral for it to be convincing," said the Colonel. "And you can help steal Burman's body! We'll bond!"
"I don't want to bond anymore," said Holcroft. "Especially not over criminal acts."
"This is why I don't like you as much as Thomas," said the Colonel. Holcroft's expression got even worse.
"Er, parenting tip," said Jamie, breaking in. "You're not actually supposed to tell them who your favorite is."
"Sorry," said the Colonel. "Can't I get any leeway at all for dying just a moment ago?"
"No," said Maria and Holcroft together.
"But I suppose I'll stay," added Holcroft, a little less bitterly. "I have the days off anyway, I might as well use them."
"Well, everything's settled, then," said Jamie, grinning. "How long do we have to wait before we can go and rob us a grave?"
"A while, unless you want to do it in broad daylight," pointed out Zoe. "Why don't we sit down, have some tea, and wait for the Colonel to finish 'settling.' He looks ill."
"I'm fine," said the Colonel, freeing himself at last from his wife and striding past Holcroft and into the corridor, where he promptly ran into a wall.
"I see your point," said Maria. "Thomas, you'll need to turn left. No, more."
"Some excuse for an adventure this is," complained Jamie.
"I think I don't mind adventures if they come with tea," said Holcroft.
---
The headstone said "Colonel Thomas Blood. Departed this world on 24 August, the year of our Lord 1680." The Doctor kicked it, irritably, and stuffed his hands in his pockets, completely ruining the line of his trousers.
"You even managed to get your fake military rank on the inscription," he said. His voice was choked, a little, and he didn't bother to clear it. "I suppose they wouldn't deny a dead man, would they?" He drew and handkerchief from the pocket of his velvet coat and used it to blow his nose.
"I did try to get back," the Doctor continued. "But the Time Lords exiled me to the wrong century, even though I asked for this one. It took me absolutely ages to get my TARDIS working again. Still not entirely accurate, as you see." He sighed. "No help from the War Chief, of course. He escaped custody, by the way, though he won't tell me how. Your friend Narvin's very upset about it. He got demoted, and he keeps stopping by to complain. Seems to think it's my fault, somehow, for not warning him that the Mexican Reform War is a very chaotic place. And then, of course, the War Chief turns up to make my life exceedingly difficult. I wouldn't tell you that if you could hear me, I suppose. You always were jealous of him. He's got one of those, what do you call them, Fu Manchu moustaches. And muttonchops. He looks absolutely ridiculous, but he won't take my advice. I always thought you couldn't go wrong with a nice shave. Not your beard of course. I always liked your beard." The Doctor stopped talking as his tone faded into insincerity. He folded up his handkerchief and thrust it back into his front pocket, then looked up at the sky, shading his eyes from the bright, cheerful sun.
"Isn't it always supposed to rain at funerals?" he asked of no one.
"It did rain," said a man standing behind him. "You're nearly a week late."
The Doctor spun around.
"Koschei? I mean, Colonel? Is that you?"
"It is indeed," said the Colonel, spreading his arms as if to show himself off.
He was shorter, with a higher forehead and a neater beard. His nose was still oversized, as were his clothes.
"Did you just regenerate?" said the Doctor. "Or have you just not bothered to get a decent suit?"
"We can't all be fashion-plates," said the Colonel. "I do like your new body, though. Ruffles and grey hair rather suit you. Did you regenerate like that, or did you grow into it?"
"It hasn't been very long for me," said the Doctor. "I'm glad to see you well, by the way."
"Long enough to start flirting with the War Chief again, I hear," said the Colonel, ignoring the second comment.
"Ah," said the Doctor. "You were listening."
"I did," confirmed the Colonel. "It was revealing, but not as much as I had hoped. Some people get confessions at their gravesides, but all I seem to rate is a pack of gossip."
"Look, old chap," said the Doctor, running his hands through his hair. "What do you want me to say? Come away with me? What about your wife?"
"You didn't seem much concerned with her last time," said the Colonel.
"Different body, different sentiments. This me is more inclined to the common courtesy of not stealing people's spouses," said the Doctor.
"She's dumped me." The Colonel looked both amused and aggrieved. "Said it was quite clear that we'd vowed 'til death do us part,' and that she thought she could be a very happy widow. I'm welcome to come around, she says, but not on Thursdays."
"Why not on Thursdays?"
"The new butcher," said the Colonel, "closes shop early on Thursdays. It's Thursday today, actually. Anyway, I'm perfectly free to leave this time and place, if anyone would like to offer." He looked around, as if expecting someone else to pop out of the underbrush with a signed invitation.
"Well, that is what I came for," said the Doctor. "Before you startled me by being dead." He offered the Colonel a hand and then, when it was taken, pulled the Colonel into an embrace.
"Not right now," said the Colonel, stepping out of the Doctor's arms.
"Whyever not?"
"They're coming to dig up my grave," said the Colonel. He pointed at a gang of men with shovels coming into view. "My creditors, you see. I came to watch, make sure everything was in order. Anyway, we'd better get away."
"Before they find out you're still alive?" The Doctor started to walk toward the nearby clump of trees he had landed in.
"Give me some credit. The body in that grave is convincing enough. No, I just don't think men hugging in public would go down very well. They have houses in London for that sort of thing."
They were in amongst the trees now, and the Doctor caught the Colonel by the shoulders.
"Speaking from experience?" he asked, mildly.
The Colonel laughed, lightly. "Who's jealous now? No, not from experience."
"I don't see how you can accuse me of being jealous when I already know that you have a wife. Or had one. I am completely calm about that fact."
"And seven children," pointed out the Colonel. "Thomas is already in his second regeneration, living in America with children of his own. I'm a grandfather."
"Thomas not the apothecary's son, then?" asked the Doctor, after a pause.
"It seems not," said the Colonel. "Did you really think he was?"
"I was actually hoping that your wife was a beard," admitted the Doctor. "It helped that you kept talking about her taking up with other men."
"You are jealous," said the Colonel. "I'd say pretending that I never have sex with other people - even ones I'm married to - falls under that label."
"It merely makes me uncomfortable," said the Doctor. "I wouldn't go so far as to call it jealousy."
"Don't worry," said the Colonel. "I fully intend to have sex with you again soon."
"You do, do you?" said the Doctor. "Yet you keep talking instead of responding to my advances."
"I've got a lot to say in this regeneration," said the Colonel. "I was a little laconic last time, but I think I got it out of my system-" The Doctor finally gave up and kissed the Colonel to shut him up. Deprived of speech, the Colonel demonstrated his opinion eloquently by latching on to the Doctor's neck and pulling him down for more, and the whole thing went on for some time.
"TARDIS," gasped the Doctor, when they finally broke apart. "I am very glad that you're not dead."
"Agreed on the second point, but not on the first," said the Colonel. "Aren't you forgetting something? A pair of your companions?"
"Jamie and Zoe," said the Doctor. "Of course. They're still stuck here."
"I didn't have any transportation for them," confirmed the Colonel. "But we don't have to visit them right away." He raised his eyebrows.
"Don't be ridiculous," said the Doctor. "We can't delay, especially not for that. What would they think of me?" He began to stride out of the trees.
"We wouldn't have to tell them," said the Colonel, but he followed all the same. "We could say you'd just appeared. Where are we going?"
"I don't know," said the Doctor. "Where did you say Zoe and Jamie lived?"
"I didn't, but turn left at the road." The Colonel pointed. "You're in luck, today. Zoe lives further north, near the new developments in Soho."
"With Jamie, I assume?"
"No. Well, yes, but only this week. He came down from Ipswich while I was dying, and then brought his wife and children down for my funeral."
"Wife?" said the Doctor, incredulously. "Children?"
"I see," said the Colonel, looking up at the sky as if hoping for help. "It's not just me you can't stand moving on. It's everyone."
"I was just surprised," said the Doctor. "A small lapse. Ignore it. How much further?"
"Quite a ways," said the Colonel. "You're a bit of a nuisance, you know. These are new feet."
"Oh, shut up. I'd offer you a lift in the TARDIS, but we'd probably end up another five years out. I've had a lot of trouble navigating this century."
"I'd noticed," said the Colonel. "Believe me."
"Don't take that tone with me," said the Doctor. "I was stuck on Earth as well, after my exile."
"Really?" asked the Colonel. "For how long? Ten years? Twenty? Perhaps thirty."
"Only for a couple years," admitted the Doctor. "I suppose it's not really comparable."
"Thirty-five years," said the Colonel, relishing the words so much that he nearly ran into a cart that was going through a crossing. "My last regeneration never even left Earth."
"Why is that, by the way?" asked the Doctor. "You had plans to do so before I appeared, and presumably you could have continued them after I was captured."
"You said you'd return," said the Colonel, nobly. "I was waiting for you."
"If you say so. I didn't think you had that much faith in me."
"Well, I do."
They walked in silence for a moment.
"Your plots all failed, didn't they?" The Doctor looked studiously at the street.
"Yes, fine, they did." The Colonel spat the words angrily. "You've found me out. I don't know why you bothered to come back for someone so pathetic."
"Don't take it that way," said the Doctor. He put his arm around the Colonel's shoulder, in a manly, companionable way. Somehow he segued from that into squeezing the Colonel's shoulder, in a manly, sexual way. "You're a very worthwhile person who, incidentally, left me hanging in my last regeneration. I had every reason to try and find you again."
"That makes a change from last time," muttered the Colonel. He shoved sullenly at the Doctor's arm but didn't actually push him away.
"Let me put it this way," said the Doctor. "Koschei the CIA operative was very dear to me, but we got into fights quite often and he wouldn't see sense about my need to leave. Colonel Blood the exiled criminal mastermind may have his own problems, but we get along much better when we're not indulging our nostalgia for conflict. More to the point, I knew where he lived."
"How very flattering," said the Colonel. His tone wavered between sincerity and sarcasm. "Why don't you concern yourself with preparing to reunite with your companions? Ready yourself for the shock of how much they've matured?"
"Oh, they won't have changed," said the Doctor. "Good old Jamie and Zoe."
---
The woman who answered the door at the nice house outside Soho was slight and cheerful, her dark hair mostly covered by a white cloth cap. It took the Doctor a moment to recognize her.
"Zoe?"
"Doctor?" The woman's eyes widened. "You've changed bodies as well!"
"You've grown up," marveled the Doctor. "Or grown down. You're much shorter than you were before."
"I think it's just your perspective that's changed," said Zoe. "Come inside, hello Colonel. Jamie!"
"Just a moment!"
The Doctor stepped into the entryway, followed by the Colonel. Presently sturdy man wearing a kilt and carrying a little girl joined them.
"Jamie!" said the Doctor. "And who is this?"
"Doctor!" said Jamie. He let go of the toddler in shock, but she clung to his neck until he'd regained his grip. "Uh, this is my daughter, Cecily."
"She looks just like you," said the Doctor, leaning down to tweak her nose. Cecily grinned back at him.
"She looks more like her mother," said Jamie, automatically. "When did you get here?"
"Quite recently," said the Doctor. "The Colonel intercepted me at his gravesite."
"He insisted on coming straight here," said the Colonel. "It's only my luck that you're both in London at the moment, or he would have wanted to walk to Suffolk next."
"Doctor, you've got to meet my son, John, and my wife, Beth," said Jamie. "I've told them all about you."
"You are staying for dinner, of course," said Zoe. "Jenny will be glad to see you again."
"I suppose," said the Doctor. "I hadn't planned on making this a long visit. Jenny?"
"My girlfriend, Doctor. Remember, we ended up kissing right in front of you?"
"Did you? I must have been busy." The Doctor thought back. "Wait. Yes. She was very tall. Perhaps not so tall now," he mused. "Everyone does seem to have shrunk."
"Hey!" said Jamie.
"I tried to tell you," said Zoe. "You're quite a bit taller than you used to be."
"That makes sense," agreed the Doctor. "But the Colonel has definitely shrunk."
"I got enough of that when I first regenerated," said the Colonel. "I don't need to hear it from you as well."
Cecily giggled, and reached her arms out to the Doctor, who took her, gingerly.
"Funny man," she said, hands fisting in his ruffles.
"Cecily, that's the Doctor," said Jamie. He smiled nervously, with the air of a man who isn't sure if he actually trusts his old friends with his children.
"Funny Doctor," said Cecily, imitating Jamie's accent.
"That's right," said the Doctor, trying to regain his ruffles without dropping her. The Colonel sighed and took Cecily away, setting her on the ground.
"Bad Colonel!" she said, pulling on his breeches. "Up!"
"You'll have to stand on your own two legs," the Colonel frowned down at her. "It builds character."
"Up!" said Cecily, tugging harder.
"Say you'll stay for dinner," said Zoe. "You can't just leave right away. Not after all these years."
"I had hoped to take you two with me," said the Doctor, ruefully. "But you seem well settled."
"Maybe I'd have gone, five years ago," said Jamie. "Before Beth and the children. But I'm happy here."
Zoe had an odd look on her face, and the Doctor was going to ask her if something was wrong. He was distracted, however, when the Colonel bumped into him, knocking them both into the wall.
"Let go," said the Colonel, ignoring the Doctor's protests.
“Terribly sorry,” said the Doctor, pushing the Colonel away, “but may I point out that it was you who bumped into me?”
“I wasn’t talking to you,” said the Colonel, trying not to step on the little girl that was still attached to his leg. “Let go, you nuisance.”
"Up!" said Cecily. Releasing the Colonel's trousers, she yanked on his coat.
"Here, you can just have it," said the Colonel, struggling out of the garment. It fell on top of Cecily, covering her completely.
"Oh dear," said Zoe. Jamie just laughed.
"Hey!" said Cecily, crossly. The Colonel sighed and picked her up at last, coat and all.
"I'll stay for dinner," said the Doctor.
---
"The mutton is delicious," said the Doctor.
"Thank you," said Beth. "It's my grandmother's recipe."
"I wonder if I ever met her," said the Doctor. "You remind me very strongly of someone."
"He's never going to figure it out," said the Colonel to Zoe, quietly. "He's completely oblivious."
Zoe giggled. "He does seem to be having some trouble."
The Doctor stared at Beth. She was short and a little plump, with deep laugh lines. Her messy dark hair was pulled back, making it look as if it had been cropped off at the ears.
"You're sure we've never met?" he asked.
"As far as I remember," said Beth.
"Let it rest, Doctor," said Jamie, his cheeks red. "Have some more turnips."
"You see?" said the Colonel. "He'll still be wondering, right up until he forgets all about it."
"It's probably for the best," said Zoe. "I'm sure the Doctor doesn't want to know that he used to be Jamie's 'type.'" Her fingers sketched tiny quote-marks under the table.
"Give!" said Cecily from the Colonel's lap, grabbing for his plate. The Colonel managed to keep the food from toppling over them both, and passed Cecily the piece of bread she'd been reaching for.
"You're going to break something," said John, from the Colonel’s other side. His voice was solemn with all the wisdom of his five years. "Careful."
"She won't listen to you," said the Colonel, sighing. "It's the curse of being sensible."
"I don't think anyone's ever accused you of being sensible," said the Doctor. He reached across the table to get a second helping of mutton, and nearly knocked over the gravy. The Colonel reached out and stabilized the tureen while Jenny pushed the mutton closer to the Doctor's hand.
Cecily chuckled through a mouthful of bread, sending crumbs flying all over the Colonel's breeches.
"I can see why Jamie doesn't want to leave, with such lovely children and a dear wife," said the Doctor, gallantly. "He's not the first companion I've lost to marriage, but this is certainly the first time I've actually gotten to sit with the resulting family. I'm glad it could be such a good one."
"I'm glad you approve," said Beth, amused.
"And Zoe," continued the Doctor, "you've found such a nice girl in Jenny. I completely understand if you also wish to remain."
"Actually," said Zoe, "I'd like to take you up on your offer. Jenny as well, of course."
"What? Well, the more the merrier." The Doctor beamed. "It'll be just like old times."
"Not quite," said the Colonel, looking as if more was definitely not merrier. "Perhaps Zoe needs a moment to discuss this with Jenny?"
"We talked before dinner," said Jenny. "We're capable of having grown-up discussions without being prompted. Anyway, Zoe didn't mean we plan on traveling."
"I don't quite see what you're saying," said the Doctor.
"Jenny and I just want a lift to more enlightened times. Enlightened on both the subjects of personal relationships and of hygiene." Zoe smiled, a hint of strain creeping into the edges. "I've lived here for a decade, and we've made a stab at a life. We're doing well. But I'm afraid I rather miss the twenty-first century, and Jenny's agreed to give it a try."
"I want to go to space again," supplied Jenny. "I don't mind starting over."
"I'm sure I can get you there," said the Doctor, heartiness covering disappointment. "How soon can we leave?"
"Give me a day to wrap things up," said Zoe. "Jamie can help, can't you?"
"Sure," said Jamie. "Especially if the Colonel can baby-sit."
"Of course he can!" said the Doctor. "This all sounds perfect."
"Oh yes," said the Colonel. "Perfect."
Cecily made another grab for his plate and pulled the whole thing on to them. The Colonel caught the plate before it hit the ground, and then glowered among the remains of his meal.
"I told you," said John, scolding his sister. "Now look at you."
Cecily ate a turnip off of her dress.
"He's very good with children," confided the Doctor to Beth. "Seven of his own, as he keeps reminding me."
"I didn't exactly raise them," pointed out the Colonel. "I was in hiding."
The Doctor ignored him, chatting with Beth and Jamie. The Colonel picked bits of sheep out of his lap.
"Don't do that again," he said to Cecily. "If you want something, ask for it."
"Can I have some of your beer?" asked John, politely.
"No," said the Colonel. "I think I'm going to need that. But thank you for asking."
---
The Doctor waited outside as the Colonel said goodbye to his wife. After spending yesterday helping Zoe pack, the Doctor was tired, irrespective of how much he had actually helped. He'd said farewell to Jamie and been ready to leave, but the Colonel had insisted on a quick stop.
Now the Doctor loitered in front of the nice townhouse, alternating between pacing and wringing his hands.
"Dear me," said the Colonel, as he stepped back out into the street. "What's the matter with you?"
"Nothing," said the Doctor. He stopped moving, standing up straight and pasting on a smile. "How is Mary?"
"Maria," corrected the Colonel. "She's fine. She's coming out in a minute, since you seem so averse to leaving the street."
"Oh, I don't mind," said the Doctor, clenching his teeth around the lie. "I just thought you would want to go in alone, at first."
"Of course you did," said the Colonel. "Come in, then."
The Doctor stepped inside as the Colonel vacated the doorway. He was almost immediately confronted by Maria Blood, he had been waiting.
"Doctor," she shook his hand, warmly. "You won't believe how much I've heard about you."
"All of it good, I hope."
"No, not really." Maria quirked her lips. "But we shouldn't dwell on that, should we? I do hope you and Thomas will be happy."
"Thomas?" asked the Doctor. "Isn't he in America or something?
"Not my son, Doctor," said the Colonel. "Colonel Thomas Blood, you recall?"
"I could hardly forget such a gauche pulp-fiction style of a name," said the Doctor. "I merely hadn't expected you to be using the least objectionable part of it."
"I felt that it was reasonable to be on first-name basis with one's spouse."
"Really? May I call you Thomas?"
The Colonel shook his head in a prelude to a vehement no, but Maria broke in with a wide grin.
"You've proposed, then? When's the wedding?"
"No, no, no," said the Doctor, hurriedly. "I wasn't trying to imply that I was his spouse, I was just-"
Maria laughed, not bothering to cover her mouth. She just put her hands on her hips and laughed, fully. The Colonel cringed, indulgently, and the Doctor looked bemused.
"You are a pair, aren't you? Well, off you get," she said, waving the Colonel and the Doctor out of the door. "Mind you stop by again, see the children and whatever grandchildren there are by then."
"Goodbye," said the Colonel. He kissed his wife on the cheek and followed the Doctor out.
They ambled in silence toward Tothill Fields, where the TARDIS was parked and Zoe and Jenny were waiting for them.
"I'm really not proposing," said the Doctor, when they were nearly halfway there.
"I know," said the Colonel, mildly.
"I don't want you coming into this with false expectations."
"I'm not." The Colonel rolled his eyes. "Don't worry."
"You say that now, but back at home you would have-"
"I've changed a lot since then." The Colonel cut the Doctor off. "Having a more casual relationship was rather eye-opening. I've come to understand that unreasonable expectations can be death to an otherwise completely satisfying union."
"That's very mature of you," said the Doctor.
"Thank you."
"More mature than I recall you acting last time I was here," the Doctor pointed out. "Arguing with the War Chief, glowering at Zoe and Jamie."
"I've changed since then as well, Doctor," snapped the Colonel. He slowed his anger, forced a calm smile. "Surely you learned something during your own exile?"
"Yes, of course."
They walked in silence for a while longer.
"Well?"
"I learned how to function within a military bureaucracy and how to defend against several species of aliens, not least Humankind. Not as profound as your own achievements, I admit, but far more practical."
"Oh, well done, Doctor," said the Colonel. "I'll have you know that I've accomplished plenty of practical deeds while on Earth."
"Oh yes? Any successful plans? Perhaps you managed to actually steal the crown jewels after all."
"Not as such." The Colonel hesitated. "It rather depends on how you define success."
They walked in silence for a little longer, until they could see the patch of trees the TARDIS was in. The Doctor waved at Jenny and Zoe, who were already there.
"I hope they haven't been waiting long. We could have been here ages ago, if you hadn't spent so long with Maria."
"I wanted to say goodbye." The Colonel shrugged. "It's important to do things properly. You wouldn't understand."
"Let's not argue," said the Doctor. "Listen here, we should be grateful that we have another chance together, not wasting time dwelling on the mistakes of the past."
"How very convenient for you," the Colonel said, loftily. "Since they're almost entirely all your mistakes. But my hard-earned 'maturity' also extends to forgiving and forgetting."
"That's a new one," said Jenny, in hearing-distance now. "How many times have we heard the story of 'the Doctor's terrible flight,' Zoe?"
"Twenty or thirty times at least, for my part," said Zoe. "That's why I tend to avoid drinking with you, Colonel."
"'I understand why he left, but why couldn't he say goodbye?'" quoted Jenny, affecting a maudlin slur. "'I wouldn't've stopped him! Well, I would've, I would've broken his legs to keep him with me, but it would've been for his own good! My hearts are beyond repair, even after his too-short return.'"
"You mock my pain," said the Colonel, with rather less humor than he had attempted to show.
"Why don't we just leave?" said the Doctor. He unlocked the TARDIS door. "Everyone ready?"
"Oh, yes," said Zoe. She carried her bags in. "You've redecorated, Doctor!"
"Yes, do you like it?" The Doctor helped Jenny with the last of the luggage. "Here we go, my dear. Watch your step."
"We're never mentioning this again," hissed the Colonel, as he followed the Doctor inside. "Never."
"I should hope not. A fresh beginning, that's what we need. I'll have Zoe and Jenny dropped off at their new home soon enough, and we can get started."
---
It only took the Doctor three or four tries to get Zoe and Jenny to more or less the right time and place.
"You're a much better navigator than you used to be," said Zoe, hugging him goodbye. "We never knew where we'd end up next."
"He still managed to land us into trouble every other time so far," said Jenny. "I'm keeping an eye out for invading aliens here as well."
"I'm sure it will be fine," said the Doctor. "This is the calmest patch of space-age Earth a couple could hope for."
"Good," said Zoe. "Jenny will need some time to adapt, just as I did." She squeezed Jenny's hand, smiling "Goodbye, Doctor. Colonel."
"Goodbye, my dear girls," said the Doctor. The Colonel waved to them, and then they were out of the doors, two more new arrivals on the first civilian orbital space-station.
"You realize there's an incursion with Space Pirates here in less than a day?" asked the Colonel.
"As I recall, they beat them off with no casualties," said the Doctor. "Anyway, periods of great confusion are the best time to blend in. That's been my experience, anyway."
"I can believe that," muttered the Colonel. He fiddled with the console and, at the Doctor's nod, set the TARDIS into flight.
"The whole place to ourselves," said the Doctor. "What shall we do now?"
"I don't know," said the Colonel. "It's been a long time since I was off Earth. All of time and space at our fingertips." He ran his hands absently over the console, as he had been doing since they'd left England a week ago.
"I said," said the Doctor, "we've got the whole place to ourselves now."
"Hm?"
"Sex!" said the Doctor, exasperatedly. "We've been back together for a week, and we haven't had any. Fresh beginnings are meant to incorporate the reacquaintance of bodies."
"Where did you read that, a romance novel?" The Colonel didn't turn away from the controls.
"Don't deflect," said the Doctor. "This is serious."
"It's your own fault," said the Colonel. He fiddled with the dials until they were stopped and sitting in space. "I don't see why we couldn't have had sex in one of the spare bedrooms while Zoe and Jenny were on the other end of the TARDIS."
"It would feel wrong," explained the Doctor, for about the fiftieth time.
"It's not as if they were celibate."
"I really don't want to think about that, thank you," said the Doctor. "It's as if," he tried to explain, "one of your children came home to visit, after years of being apart. You don't want to hurt them."
"Ah," said the Colonel. "That happened to Maria and I, once or twice."
"And what did you do?" prompted the Doctor.
"Had sex. It's a natural thing, Doctor, no need to be squeamish."
"I think I'm done with this conversation," said the Doctor. "I'm just going to go to my bedroom. You're welcome to join me, if you can get over the need to be right." He walked out.
The Colonel checked the gauges, and adjusted the TARDIS until she could hang in space for an indefinite period of time. He set up a forcefield that would deflect space debris. He put away a pile of nets and bait that had been left over from two days ago, when they'd had to capture some dinosaurs that had been let loose in London. Finally, he turned off the console room lights, and ambled toward the Doctor's rooms. Once there, he leaned against the open door, studying the Doctor as the man turned a page in his book.
"Finally decided to come to bed, have you?" said the Doctor.
"Yes," said the Colonel. "Though I would like it to be understood that I'm never going to get over my need to be right, especially when you're so patently wrong. Colonel Blood the criminal mastermind isn't necessarily as agreeable as you'd like him."
"I really don't care anymore, you nitwit," said the Doctor, fondly. He closed his book and set it on the bedside table. "Come here."
The Colonel sat down on the bed and found himself pulled into the Doctor's arms. They kissed, briefly, and then the Doctor had his mouth on the Colonel's neck, and the Colonel was running his hands down to pull the Doctor's shirt out of his trousers and the TARDIS shook as something rammed into it.
"What was that?" The Doctor broke away, half-getting up. The Colonel held on to him, doggedly.
"I'm sure it was nothing. Don't worry about it."
"This is the War Chief!" The TARDIS comm system screeched into life. "You are trapped, Doctor!"
"We've got to get to the console room," said the Doctor. "Make some kind of evasive action."
"I enhanced the forcefield," said the Colonel. "Nobody can get in. Why don't we deal with it in about a half an hour?"
"I can't believe you're suggesting that we just carry on." The Doctor looked flabbergasted. "Listen to me, one simply does not have sex while one's enemies are battering down the door."
"I just told you, he can't get in."
"That's completely beside the point. Anyway, if you hadn't spent so much time fiddling about after I scolded you earlier this evening we could have had it off by now."
"Doctor?" said the comm. "Are you there? Doctor?"
"It's only polite to send a reply," said the Doctor.
"Oh, I have some ideas for that," growled the Colonel. He got up and stalked off to the console room, leaving the Doctor to follow.
"Piss off!" said the Colonel, grabbing the microphone attached to the console. "We're busy."
"Koschei? What are you doing there?" said the War Chief.
"Being busy," said the Colonel. "Go bother Narvin. I hear he's your back-up for annoyance purposes."
"I've got a whole fleet of Draconians out here," complained the War Chief. "You can't just expect me to turn around and leave."
"Hang around if you like. We'll get back to you when we have time."
"When you have time?" squawked the War Chief. The Colonel deactivated the comm's speakers.
"There," he said, turning to where the Doctor was watching him. "Polite enough for you?"
"Not quite what I had in mind, but effective," admitted the Doctor. "I imagine he'll either get bored and go away, or collect the TARDIS in one of his ships. But your forcefield won't last forever if he starts pounding at it."
"It'll last a half an hour," said the Colonel. "I’ll show that man that he has no business chasing after you."
"Touchy," said the Doctor, but he allowed himself to be dragged away. "You know, I don't think you're anywhere near as secure in our relationship as you claim to be."
"I'm relying on experience, Doctor. Experience with the War Chief teaches me that having sex with you is infinitely preferable to wasting my time talking to him."
"New beginning," reminded the Doctor. "Though I take your point."
“And then after we’ve finished,” the Colonel continued talking over his shoulder as he navigated the corridors, “we can devise some cunning plan to get out of here without seeing the War Chief at all. I’m still considering it, but I believe if we simply dematerialize straight away, just before the forcefield lifts, nothing can prevent us. Surely we can take some precautions to ensure he won’t be able to follow us.”
“Wait a moment.” The Doctor stopped moving, just outside his bedroom. “You mean we won’t even stop to say hello? To foil whatever galactic take-over schemes he has?”
“No.” The Colonel looked at the Doctor reproachfully. “Why, do you want to?”
“Not per se,” said the Doctor, carefully, “but I have rather gotten used to keeping the War Chief in check. Even if he is a terrible bore.”
“Someone else can take care of it,” said the Colonel. “I’ll send a message to the CIA, unless you’ve already managed to get yourself in trouble with the law again.”
“No, no, you do that.” The Doctor still hesitated. Finally, the Colonel threw up his hands, impatiently.
“What is it now?”
“Well,” said the Doctor, “it’s just that this whole situation doesn’t exactly seem full of the emotional maturity you claim to have gained. Not when you’re reporting an old school friend to the authorities just for interrupting our intimate time.” He folded his arms awkwardly.
“He interrupted with a fleet of Draconian cruisers,” the Colonel pointed out. “He’s trying to capture us for his own ends.”
“The War Chief has some trouble communicating,” said the Doctor. “Perhaps this is just his way of saying ‘congratulations on not being stuck on Earth.’ For both of us.”
“I see,” said the Colonel. “Well. I suppose you have two options. You can either wait for another,” he thought about it, “twenty-five minutes, and then go play your games with the War Chief. Or you can come with me and forget about that blundering idiot, for good if I have anything to say about it.” The Colonel wrenched the door to the bedroom open and stepped inside.
The Doctor rubbed at his neck.
“I would like to point out,” the Colonel stuck his head back out into the corridor, “that while both I and the War Chief might lack your much vaunted ‘emotional maturity,’ I, at least, have the courtesy to lie about it.” He retreated back into the room again.
The Doctor thought about it for at least two or three seconds.
“No contest,” he said, pulling the bedroom door shut behind him. “But perhaps we might just leave old Magnus a note.”
---
The War Chief screamed in rage as the Doctor’s TARDIS faded away from the storage bay his minions had towed it to. All that was left behind was a piece of paper that flapped forlornly. The War Chief pushed away his anger and picked it up.
“Dear,” it began, but someone had crossed that out with a heavy hand. In fact, annotations covered the paper, replacing most of the normal pleasantries associated with letter-writing. The War Chief had to concentrate hard just to make out what the thing was actually supposed to say.
“Dear War Chief, I’m afraid I’m rather too occupied to deal with your heinous plots today. Or any time in the foreseeable future. As you’re aware that the Colonel is with me, you can no doubt ascertain why. Sorry.”
The War Chief growled and twirled one of his long moustaches around his finger, tight enough that it hurt. The nearest Draconians stepped quietly away from him, and then began to run as screeching noises filled the air. The War Chief ignored the commotion as he read the postscript that the heavy hand had added to the Doctor’s note.
“Go get your own,” it said. “By the way, enjoy your (hopefully quite lengthy) stay in the CIA’s care.”
The War Chief looked up just as Narvin stepped out of the bulkhead his TARDIS had disguised itself as. Similar bulkheads around the storage bay were disgorging CIA operatives, each one armed with a blaster and a slightly unnerving grin.
“Caught you in the act,” said Narvin, showing off his own weary smirk. “Tip from the Doctor. Has he finally gotten bored of you?”
“As you see,” snarled the War Chief. He wadded up the letter and threw it to the ground, where he stamped on it. “He is no longer a worthy adversary.”
“I’m so sorry,” said Narvin, insincerely. “Now, are you going to come quietly, or do I get to shoot you again?”
“But perhaps I have found a better nemesis.” The War Chief ignored Narvin’s words. Instead his eyes gleamed and his face transformed from angry despair to a triumphant leer. Narvin took a step back.
“Are you ill? Or insane? Never mind, it’s probably both.” He waved his ray gun threateningly. “Just get into my TARDIS and we’ll go.”
“Sweet words, Doc- Narvin, but I’m afraid I can’t comply,” said the War Chief. He reached into his jacket and produced a handheld teleportation device. “Places to go, you see.” He paused with his thumb over the button and grinned, winningly, while twirling his moustaches in a much less angry way than before.
Narvin shot him.
“They never learn,” he said, plucking the teleporter from the War Chief’s spasming hands. “To the zero room with you.” Narvin sighed and, in the absence of a helpful subordinate, picked up the War Chief’s feet to drag him into his TARDIS.
---
“Aren’t you glad you stayed with me?” said the Colonel. He and the Doctor were lying together on a couch in the library. Or, rather, the Doctor was sitting up and trying to drink his post-coital tea while the Colonel lounged around and put his head in the Doctor’s lap and stroked the Doctor’s biceps and generally made it very difficult to drink anything.
“Yes,” said the Doctor. “Now, stop acting so pleased with yourself before you strain something.”
“Why shouldn’t I be happy?” asked the Colonel. “Everything’s sorted out, to both of our satisfaction.”
“It’s not the happiness I’m opposed to, it’s the smugness.” The Doctor batted the Colonel’s hand away from his cheek. “You’re going to make me upset my tea.”
“It’s very nearly the perfect day,” said the Colonel, unconcerned by the Doctor’s rudeness. “All we need is something to cap it off. Why don’t we go steal something?”
“Really, now,” said the Doctor, aghast. “You have picked up some bad habits on Earth. If you want an adventure, we should just rescue a planet instead. Perhaps some oppressed captives.”
“Why don’t we kidnap their oppressors and hold them for ransom?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” The Doctor gestured with his tea and sloshed some onto the Colonel, who yelped and sat up.
“That was hot!”
“If you would stop being such an inveterate criminal, perhaps I would be more careful,” said the Doctor.
Their bickering filled the TARDIS until they finally gave up and set her co-ordinates to a random destination. Luckily, it turned out rescuing the Venusian crystalline sepulcher and stealing it were more or less the same things.
Final note: If you're interested, I wrote up a short thing about the history I played with in the story. It's here.
ETA: I got art for this fic! I am linking to the two pieces here at the end, because they both contain spoilers for the ending. Since hopefully you just read it, here is an awesome comic by alex_e_smith , and an amazing animation by aqueousserenade .