Volume 2: Issue 1
Much like an ancestral curse in a Gothic novel, the task of editing neptune_online has at last befallen Yours Truly. You can find out how we regained control of the blog by reading the updated user info. How did I end up in charge? Ms. Mars informed Ms. MacKenzie that I wasn't attending any of my classes, and I therefore had some openings in my schedule. I put the question to you: with the life I've led, can't I just skip Intro to Psychology? I already know I have an Oedipus Complex. Why is this class required? They're not even handing out drugs.
But, I digress. Ms. MacKenzie approached me about becoming Editor, and I accepted. Believe it or not, I actually enjoyed working on N.O. One bright spot in a senior year I'm trying very hard to forget.
So -- meet the new boss, not the same as the old boss. I have better hair. Also, I take bribes.
~ Logan
Campus Safety
by Veronica Mars
Hi, I’m Veronica. Due to the recent thefts on campus, Mac thought it would be a good idea for me to offer some simple tips on how to avoid getting stuff stolen while on campus.
First of all, LOCK YOUR DOORS! Car doors, room doors, and any other doors. Even if you will just be gone for two seconds, it only takes one for someone to open the door and grab your stuff. This isn’t Beaverton, folks! Here people will take your stuff and not return it. And the sheriff’s department won’t help.
The Hearst Welcome Wagon does not exist! This is a fake organization that is actually a ring of criminals who steal stuff from college kids and turn around and sell it on CraigsList. I may have succeeded in shutting them down, but others may get the idea and start their own operation. If a campus organization offers you a service, you can always call Hearst Student Services at ext. 5555 to determine the organization’s credibility.
Hide your valuables in safe places. Even if your doors are locked at all times, that won’t stop your roommate or their friends from taking it. Valuables like cash, jewelry, credit cards, car keys, and other items worth large sums of money should be stored in safe places that are not in plain sight. You don’t want to even tempt strangers by leaving loose cash around, because believe me, the evil refuse to get jobs like the rest of us.
Be aware of who you let in your room. Don’t invite sketchy people in. Ask your roommate to do the same, because he/she probably don’t want their stuff stolen either. Trust your instincts, and if someone is really bothering you, you can contact campus security at extension 1234.
If somehow your stuff gets stolen and you want it back (for a small fee, of course), feel free to contact me, Veronica Mars, at 555-0129. You can also call me for secret admirers, stalkers, lost pets, and missing persons.
Getting Friendly at Hearst
by Your Friend, Parker Lee
Hey there party people! Mac and I were supposed to talk about this week’s ANTM after seeing it last night but then her friend Veronica came by and, oh my God, she’s so much fun - I’ve met some of the best people in Neptune! Veronica loves to rock (see the adorable picture someone snapped of her for proof) so we went to the Unwashed show instead and now I have to keep my ears covered until I find someone who Tivo-ed the show. I don’t want to know who got the boot (or should that be high heel?) before I see it!
Anyway, Mac said they still needed something for this Neptune Online thing seeing as how she had committed to submitting a piece this week so I promised I’d write about how to make new friends at Hearst. Not that any of you reading this probably need help with that! Everyone here in Neptune has been so friendly and welcoming, it’s like the best place on Earth.
But, just in case you do need some advice on meeting friends, here are three surefire ways that worked for me.
1. Definitely Get a Dorm Room! Ok, it's probably a little late for this one if you made the mistake of getting a place off campus but they aren't lying when they say the best way to meet people is in the dorms. Just look at me, I'd never have met Mac if we hadn't ended up in the same room together and then I'd never have met Veronica or their boyfriends Piz and Wallace. Then there's all the other girls on our floor - who are AWESOME. Plus, you get invites to all the best campus parties if you’re actually, you know, on campus.
[Editorial Correction: It should be noted that neither Piz nor Wallace is Veronica's boyfriend. That'd be me, just so we're clear.]
2. Decorate Your Whiteboard! With every dorm room comes a whiteboard. Well, except if you're Mac but she's totally making a statement about being unique and she's already got great friends. Decorating your dorm whiteboard with lots of stickers and doodles lets people know that you're friendly and open and encourages people to knock on your door. Plus, it helps the friends you do meet find your room! I included a picture of my whiteboard to help give you some ideas on how to decorate yours. Just remember, be imaginative and fun and you'll be making new friends in no time!
3. Don't Be Shy! You're not in high school anymore! The days of slipping on one shirt without taking off the other and contorting your body in weird directions to change your bra without showing any skin in the locker room after gym are over. It's college! No one cares about seeing you naked in college so don't be shy. Let your roommates know that you're comfortable in your skin so they can be comfortable in theirs. And don't be afraid to go up to guys and start conversations with them either. How do you think I got to hang out with the guys in Unwashed last night? By talking to them! It's not like anyone is going to think you're a slut just for not being afraid to talk and hang out with guys. So, don't hold back. Put yourself out there.
Ok, I gotta go to class. There's this girl who sits behind me and we think our professor looks like Colin Farrell. Totally hot, right? She and I are bringing pictures we found on Google to compare them today. Who says college students are lazy?! Anyway, if you follow these three simple steps, I promise you'll be making new friends in no time!
TTFN!
Oh and, if anyone out there still has last week's ANTM episode saved on your TiVO, I'll love you forever if you let me and Mac come over and watch! Just leave a note on my whiteboard (see!). [Editornal Note: Mac has informed me, with great joy I might add, that she and Parker now have a copy of the ANTM episode so you can ignore this plea.]
Get an apartment
by Logan Echolls
Whilst Parker may offer you the perks of living on campus, I discovered some emails that show why living off campus is a much better decision. Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this story the tale of the crazy substitute parents.
--------------------
From: wallace.fennel@hearstcollege.org
To: veronica.mars@hearstcollege.org
Subject: I'm Rick James, *****
V, my RA is nuts! Check out this email he just sent out!
-Wallace
P.S. - Piz will not stop talking to me about you. Whenever I'm in the room he's all 'What's with Veronica, is she single, does she like cheese...' I gave him your backstory hoping it would get him off my back.
Anyways, here is that email:
Hello fellow earthlings, and welcome to the glorious institution that I like to call home. Here at Hearst College, all you little seeds can learn from the best, and blossom into spectactular flowers. Of course, if you ever get too stressed and need a break, my door is always open for some nice Oolong and a Battlestar Galactica marathon to make you feel better. Have a great frakking year everyone!
Your RA,
Moe
--------------------
From: veronica.mars@hearstcollege.org
To: wallace.fennel@hearstcollege.org
CC: cindy.mackenzie@hearstcollege.org
Subject: Oh Moe
Hah! Oh Moe! You're not the only one with a crazy RA, Wallace, check out this email that Mac got from hers! (Obviously, rape is not a laughing matter. Over-the-top bulk emails from crazy people, however, are hilarious.)
The email:
I know that I’ve already sent out a million emails about dorm policies, but tonight’s outburst seems to indicate that this needs to be sent out again.
Thanks to a series of rapes going back to last year, boys are not allowed on the floor after 10 PM. Okay chicas, NO BOYS AFTER BEDTIME! I know you all like to get around and everything, but believe me, the last thing you want is a reputation. Take it from someone who had too much fun their first week away from home.
I don’t meant to sound like a bitch about it, but it is my sworn duty to protect you lovely young ladies from the evil that is the male species.
These new rules are on account of there being a rapist loose on campus. I know none of you want to be raped and wake up with your head shaved! Please respect the rules out of respect for yourself and all the women in this dorm. As long as the frats are around, you are all in danger of being violated, like one of my closest girlfriends from last year was.
I don't like to be a hard ass because I love it when people like me, and I hope that you will like me, but if you don't follow the rules, I will not hesitate to contact the Dean’s office.
It’s guys like that idiot that give Hearst a bad rep and make it unsafe for some women on campus.
Try to get some sleep before class, and remember: Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them!
Take this time to bond with your new girlfriends!
Sarah
--------------------
And there you have it folks. I am so glad that my girlfriend, Veronica Mars, doesn't live on campus so we can have sleep-overs whenever we want, which we want a lot.
To Piz, Veronica loves cheese. She is also taken. But hey, I hear Sarah is easy. Just make sure you get there by 9:58 because you have to be done by 10.
Top Model Talk
with Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie and
Parker Lee
Our Editor-in-Chief asked me to pick another show to fill-in for The Office since Veronica couldn't watch this week's episode with him. Parker suggested America’s Next Top Model. I’ve watched a few episodes during the previous seasons or ‘cycles’ as they call them, but since Parker is an avid ANTM fan, I’m going to let her run with this one. As a side note, this piece was not reviewed by the editor-in-chief since, as he says, he’s “not that much of a girl.”
Parker_Lee: Hey, everyone! First of all, I want to thank that girl down the hall with the pigtails who lent us her copy of ANTM! I thought we were going to have to hold off on this review because I totally forgot to program my Tivo and that would have been a major bummer!
Cindy_Mackenzie: I know I would have been crushed.
Parker_Lee: I know, really! Anyway, for those of you like Mac that may not be familiar with all the fabulous people in America’s Next Top Model, you can check out America's Next Top Model on the CW for the deets. I still can’t decide which Jay I like best, it’s a tough choice.
Cindy_Mackenzie: I think I like Jay Manuel the best, he’s like the Simon Cowell of ANTM.
Parker_Lee: Omigod, you have watched the show before! I thought you were just humoring me.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Hey, I do watch some TV you know. So what do you think of this cycle of models? Anyone you thought should have made the initial cut, but didn’t?
Parker_Lee: Well, that Ginger girl was really pretty but it’s too bad she was so insecure about getting naked. It’s not like it was for Playboy, and it was in front of a bunch of sisters and other professionals. I felt really bad that she thought her family would be so judgmental of her.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Ginger reminded me of a girl from my high school and from what I knew about her, she’d be rolling over in her grave that her lookalike blew an opportunity to be famous because she was worried about what her parents would think.
Parker_Lee: Lilly Kane, right? I remember reading about her in People. What a gruesome way to die. I’d rather die in my sleep than get my head bashed in with an ashtray.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure Aaron Echolls didn’t ask for her opinion before he murdered her. How about we cut to the chase? Out of the thirteen models that are left who are you favorites and why?
Parker_Lee: Well, I love those twins. Amanda and Michelle? They’re like these gangly colts that still haven’t found their footing yet. It’s adorable! I think they’ll be an inspiration for all those girls out there that have two left feet.
Cindy_Mackenzie: If one of them wins, it will be proof, at least, that coordination can be learned. I think my favorite is Anchal. She’s kind of this underdog because I don’t think there are any Indian top models, but it’s also weird that she’s just so gorgeous but is still so insecure. It’s amazing that girls that look like that could still be self-conscious like the rest of us humans.
Parker_Lee: I totally know what you mean. If she was one of my girlfriends I’d give her a makeover so she’s more 2006, but then we’d go clubbing and she could watch the men throw themselves at her feet. I don’t know if I’m in Jay Manuel’s league but I’m so the makeover queen. If you let me give you a makeover, I guarantee that you’d have tons of guys falling at your feet.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Thanks for the offer, but I think I’ll pass. Boys falling at someone’s feet are probably the cause of most sorority accidents.
Parker_Lee: I always thought it was the alcohol, but it could be the boys! So, is there anyone that you hate so far and want to see eliminated?
Cindy_Mackenzie: Definitely Monique. She’s got psychotic and bitchy covered. What kind of person pretends to pee on someone else’s bed?
Parker_Lee: I agree. I’m glad we’re roommates. I wouldn’t have minded some rocker chick like Meg, but I would have hated to have a nut case like Monique as a roommate.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Same goes. I can’t think of a worse roommate than Monique. Next week should be good. It’s always fun to see those before and after pictures from the makeover show.
Parker_Lee: I love the makeover episode! It’s like seeing butterflies emerge from their chrysalis. I knew we were totally soul sisters!
Cindy_Mackenzie: As long as I get to be Diana Ross. Anyway, it's back to The Office next week, so hope enjoyed the change of pace. If you have a favorite model in this cycle or there’s someone you love to hate, let us know so we can discuss some of the other contestants next time we need to fill-in for our Editor-in-Chief and his Bond.
[Editoral note: I am not a Bond Girl. And America's Next Top Model is a poor substitute for The Office. Dear readers, luckily we are not the only blog in the business. Gia's been up to no good since leaving Neptune. You know, of the Supernatural variety. Check out her recap of the season two opener, "In My Time of Dying."]
Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls
Dear Logan,
I realize that you lost the last biological member of the your family. What do you plan to do with yourself now?
--Curious
Dear Curious,
You don’t work for a tabloid do you? If you do, this is a really shitty way to find out what I’ve done with my summer vacation. I’ve decided to live a life of quiet despiration, and really, I’m on my way to Massachusetts right now to hang out around Walden Pond. A life without Aaron Echolls is going to be so difficult for me, I assure you. It’s too bad I have a supportive girlfriend around to keep me entertained, right?
Logan
***
Dear Logan,
In all seriousness, what are you doing with yourself?
--Inquiring Mind
Inquiring Mind,
I’m tempted to think that you, too, work for a tabloid, but I guess that would be too obvious.
In all seriousness, I’m living off the fat of my dead father and staying in the same place where he was offed and my friend’s little brother killed himself. That sounds like the picture of mental health to me.
I’m trying to go to Hearst, but I think everyone knows that I’m not that interested in learning at this point. I spend my time lurking around campus, avoiding classes I should be in, all the while maintaining the illusion that I’m going to college. Of course, I just blew my cover by writing that, so now I have to go to class.
Logan
***
Dear Logan,
I saw you around campus the other day when that guy got the crap kicked out of him and you got back at the guy who beat the crap out of him, and I was wondering, do you have a girlfriend?
--Interested
Interested,
If you were at lunch the other day, you might have remembered that blonde I was sitting with before I saved my friend's ass? You know, the one with the TASER? Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but that was Veronica Mars, and we are in fact still dating. I know, you think we’ll never make it given the “troubled past” we’ve had, but I’m going to tell you that it works.
Sorry to disappoint,
Logan
***
Dear Logan,
I’ve heard about you on campus and I wondered if you could tell me more about your girlfriend. I know she solves crimes, but is there anything else that she does?
--Nosy Neighbor
Nosy Neighbor,
Back away from Veronica before I take you and that damned argyle shirt and throw you into San Diego Bay or worse, all the way to New Zealand. I saw the way you were looking at us the other day, and I’m sure Wallace will tell you that I take treating Veronica well seriously, and I mean SERIOUSLY. You should have seen what I did to this guy that tried to kidnap her in high school--he looked like Chuck Norris had done a number on his face.
Logan
***
Logan,
I noticed you were in my sociology class. How exciting are those lectures! Doesn't the professor seem cool? I think it's my favorite class at Hearst!
--Sociology pimp
Wallace,
Stop trying, man. I'll go to class when I feel like it. You're breaking that bond we shared last year, dude. Remember, teamwork for the goal of getting on Veronica's good side? Also, stop tattling on me to her! I'm not in the mood to be left alone in my suite four nights a week.
Logan
Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.
Film review: Little Miss Sunshine
by Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie
If you're like me and you prefer your movies indie, with a whole lot of random and quirk, then Little Miss Sunshine is a safe bet.
It's about the Hoover family who travel from Albuquerque to California when seven year old Olive makes it into the finals for the Little Miss Sunshine Beauty Pageant. The family is struggling financially and can't afford to fly, so they decide to drive there in their beat-up VW bus. I have felt the pain of family roadtrips, so I sympathize with the hell these people are in. Although we have never had to get out and push our RV, so I guess I'm complaining about nothing.
As they travel towards the beauty pageant, things go from bad to worse and each family member comes to a realization about their lives. It sounds cliched but it really is an enjoyable little movie. Plus, the acting is great and this family pretty much defines disfunctional. (Because what is a quirky indie film without an incredibly disfunctional ensemble cast?)
Dad Richard (Greg Kinnear) is a motivational speaker no one wants to listen to. (Hee.) His wife Sheryl (Toni Collette) is trying to be a good mom while attempting to stay sane. Her brother Frank (Steve Carell), the country's pre-eminent Proust scholar (as he keeps reminding us), is staying with the Hoovers while he recovers from his recent suicide attept. He can't be left alone, so he has to share a room with Dwayne, the fifteen year old son who has taken a vow of silence (I'm with you, Dwayne). The family also shares their home with Richard’s father (Alan Arkin) who was thrown out of his nursing home for abusing heroin. Yep, much more like the actors who played "The Partridge Family" than the fictional troupe.
The one ray of sunshine in this otherwise grim bunch is Olive. She has very little chance of winning the pageant but she that isn't stopping her from trying her hardest. This film is about this family, but it is also about inner beauty and having the courage to be yourself and be happy. Olive is pretty much the world's cutest feminist. And she is hilarious. Honestly, you should see the movie just to see her dance. (Or you could ask Veronica to show you a few steps. She did a pretty decent imitation after we saw it... Of course, depending on her mood, you could end up getting tasered, so maybe you should just see the flick.)
Sound Off:
Dorm-room Dos and Don'ts
Moderator: Wallace Fennel
Moderator: Dick Casablancas Logan Echolls Wallace Fennel
You have entered room "Sound_Off"; October 5, 2006, 4:20 PM.
Wallace_Fennel: Uh, Logan? You there? You’re supposed to introduce the topic, remember?
Stosh_Piznarksi: Wallace! Long time no see.
Wallace_Fennel: Piz, you’re on the other side of the wall. I can see your *** from here.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Yeah, it was a joke. I was trying to be funny. You know because we do-never mind. Why is my name pink? Can’t I be blue or something a little less girly?
Wallace_Fennel: I dunno. I think the moderator controls the name colors. You’d have to ask him.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Oh. Where is he? Where is everyone else? I thought you guys said the sound offs included everyone.
Wallace_Fennel: They usually do. Mac and Parker were supposed to be here since they live in the dorms too, but then... they aren’t going to be here. And V’s over there with them.
Stosh_Piznarksi: So it’s just us?
Logan_Echolls has entered the chatroom.
Logan_Echolls: Yo! Yo! YO!
Stosh_Piznarksi: Logan. Nice of you to show up.
Logan_Echolls: Do I know you? Holy shit. Is your name seriously STOSH? That’s fucking hilarious. How do you get laid with a name like that?!
Stosh_Piznarksi: …
Wallace_Fennel: Dick, why are you signed on as Logan?
Logan_Echolls: What are you talking about? I AM Logan.
Wallace_Fennel: Sure. If you say so, but Logan already knew Piz’s name.
Logan_Echolls: PIZ?! HAHA. Oh, that shit is funnnnny. Like that’s any better? Piz… reminds me that I gotta take a whiz is what it does. Later, bitches.
Logan_Echolls has left the chatroom.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Oooook. He’s pleasant. Why is *** starred out but **** and ******* aren’t? What the heck?
Wallace_Fennel: Looks like Logan has been messing with the chat settings. I've got practice soon so let's get this on topic. #1 Dorm-room Don't: Don't tell your roommate that you like to walk around naked. Even more important? #2, Don't walk around naked.
Stosh_Piznarksi: That’s not what you were saying this morning.
Wallace_Fennel: That’s so not funny.
Stosh_Piznarksi: I thought it was, just a little.
Wallace_Fennel: No.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Ok, how about the flip side. #1 Dorm-room Do: Do room with someone who has hot friends.
Wallace_Fennel: You can’t really control that but there’s always… Do room with someone who will go bird watching with you.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Really, though, who wouldn’t? Those girls, err, birds are hot.
Wallace_Fennel: Back to the Don’ts. Don’t play your guitar at all hours of the night.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Is that a hint?
Wallace_Fennel: I’m just saying…
Stosh_Piznarksi: No, it’s cool. I’ve got one. Don’t bounce your basketball in the room before noon.
Logan_Echolls has entered the chatroom.
Logan_Echolls: Hey, dudes, sorry I’m late. Let’s get this Sound Off started!
Wallace_Fennel: A little late for that. You do realize Dick signed on as you a little while ago, don’t you?
Logan_Echolls: No, he didn’t. Did he?
Stosh_Piznarksi: He did but we can use that too. Don’t use your roommate’s computer to auto login to their chat rooms and pretend to be him.
Logan_Echolls: I checked the transcript. That’s pretty funny.
Stosh_Piznarksi: It is not!
Logan_Echolls: Whatever, Pink Lady.
Stosh_Piznarksi: About that-
Logan_Echolls: Looks like you guys covered the topic and time’s up.
Wallace_Fennel: How can time be up? You just got here.
Logan_Echolls: And now I gotta go again. I’m a busy man with classes to skip and a girlfriend to kiss. I don’t have time to babysit the two of you and break up your fights about guitars and basketballs. This sound off is officially over.
Special thanks go out to afrocurl, babsonite, bennet_7, dark_roast, liz-guerin, raelee, rowanlove and spadada. Want to show your appreciation for all their hard work? Leave a comment.